A lot to get to this week. We need to cover the latest on “DWTS”, the “Idol” Results show, “Survivor”, “Celebrity Apprentice”, wrap up the “City” finale, plus, I will finally give you the rumors I’ve heard concerning Jillians season of the “Bachelorette”, what the tabloids are already saying about Jillian, an update on Jason and Molly, a “Bachelor” breakup, plus, answering your questions over the last week in our email bag.

“Dancing With the Stars”

-The latest news to come from the show is about crazy stalker guy getting arrested Tuesday night outside the studios because he was after Shawn Johnson. Like this season hasn’t already had enough drama. Damn. I think if this were a veteran actress would had been through “obsessive fans” before, I might not be as big of deal. But I’m guessing if you’re 17, and you find out a guy was roaming around outside the studio with two loaded guns, letters, and duct tape, I bet she’s pretty freaked out. Let’s see if it affects her performance the rest of the way. She’s gotta be pretty shaken by something like this. As for this 34 year old loser, what else can you say? Dude, she’s 17. I’m guessing she has no interest in you. And if you’re really that desperate for some female attention, there are plenty of 900 numbers to call, or strip clubs to visit. I’m guessing jumping fences and breaking security with loaded guns in your car isn’t the quickest way to Shawn’s heart. Call me crazy. Or how about I just call you crazy.

-Now, obviously that could have an affect on Shawn. But once the report came out yesterday of someone getting a hold of her contract for the show, I’m guessing her mind got put at ease a little bit. Let’s face it, if you go on this show, you’re making some good coin. And the longer you go, the more money you make. For years it was rumored that you make a minimum 100k to appear on the show, then 20 grand extra for each week you stay. Howard Stern announced that back in Season 3 when his girlfriend Beth was offered and turned it down. Well, since Shawn is a minor, TMZ.com got a hold of her contract, and it basically verified what Stern said. The basics:

-Under the contract, Shawn gets a guarantee of $125,000 for appearing on the show. By surviving the first elimination, she gets an additional $10,000 a week for weeks 3 and 4.

Read Shawn’s contract here

Not bad indeed. And some people question why C-list celebs are now begging their agents to get them on the show. Hell, I’d embarrass myself on national TV for six figures. So for those upset at Melissa for agreeing to do the show, there’s your reason why. Does it make her a money grubber? Not at all. Because every single one of you out there would’ve taken that in a heartbeat as well and you’re lying if you say you wouldn’t. Let’s see, go back home to Dallas and work in sales behind a desk from 8-5, or, do something you love doing, make it the finals, and get paid some serious money? Yeah, real tough decision there.

-Uh oh. Yet another “DWTS” injury. Late last night, it was reported that Holly Madison might have a broken rib. I think my ribs would be broken too if had giant DDD’s that banged against my ribcage all week dancing. Not that Holly has a chance to win this thing, but let’s at least see her for a couple more weeks. I want to make a deal with Holly as well. How about the longer you stay, the less clothing you wear every week? Sounds fair to me.

-So I presented the question last week of how the hell does the scoring system work on this show since they’ve never fully explained it. Little did I know, the answer was sitting right there on ABC’s website if you look hard enough. So for those that don’t know how they combine the viewers votes with the judges scores, I hope this clears it up for you. Certainly didn’t for me.

THE PROCEDURE FOR ELIMINATING COUPLES:

In this case, the bottom two couples would be A and C, and C would be eliminated.

Holy crap, really? That’s the way they decide who goes home? This is a freakin’ dance contest not nuclear science. No wonder they’ve never fully explained that to the viewers. It would have to include pie charts, bar graphs, and would take up the whole show. That’s just stupid if you ask me.

-During the video before Chuck and Julianne’s performance, he said something that got me to thinking. I think it’s safe to say now that “That’s how I roll” has now replaced anything ending in “izzle” as the most annoying pop culture phrase currently in the cycle. If I’m not mistaken, that phrase really took off when Jack Blacks character kicked Baxter over the bridge in “Anchorman” and then uttered the line. That movie came out in 2004. Why that phrase is still being used by EVERYBODY is beyond me. So annoying now.

-And just like Probst and Harrison, EW.com has hired on Carrie Ann to blog about the show every Wednesday. Is it as good as those guys? Of course not. But it does offer some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff. Read Carrie Ann’s blog right here.

-Holy sh**! We have a Hall and Oates sighting! Really? Hall and Oates on “DWTS”? Was Huey Lewis and the News too busy this week? Hey, it’s been 25 years and I still couldn’t tell you which one is Hall and which one is Oates. Whoever the one with the black hair and the porn mustache is, he might be barely five feet tall. Did you see him on stage Tuesday night? That guy is a midget. I think the one thing I like best about the Tuesday night performances is we get to watch the pros dance with the pros. Unlike on Idol where we’re treated to a ridiculous, lip synched, horribly choreographed group performance, I thoroughly enjoy watching the pros dance together on Tuesday nights. Shows you how much better they are than the celebs they’re coaching.

-Back to Holly Madison for a second. Obviously, she knows she’s the hottest female on the show with the biggest cans, but how come in every pre-dance video we see, she’s practicing in soccer shorts, an oversized shirt, and her socks are pulled up to her knees? Why can’t Edtya’s wardrobe designer give Holly a little help? I’m fine with her outfits the night of the dances, but can she practice in something a little skimpier? Like say, oh I don’t know, RealitySteve.com boy shorts and tank top? Coming soon everyone. Hopefully. And have you noticed how every judge, even Carrie Ann, seems to comment about her boobs after she dances. Good or bad, there’s always some reference made to them. Man I love this show.

-Steve-O really is trying out there and seems like he’s genuinely interested in doing well this season. I think the fact he’s dancing so poorly doesn’t really have much to do with his lack of rhythm, or his injuries. Really. I think it might have more to do with the fact that guy has to dance with a frog in his throat. What kind of voice is that? I guess if you’ve done every drug imaginable and have been in and out of rehab, you are gonna sound a little haggard. But my God, his voice almost sounds fake. Either that, or he gargles razor blades every morning.

“American Idol” Results Show

-Damn, I’m getting good at these predictions. Nailed two of the bottom three and correctly predicted who got eliminated for the 3rd time in 4 weeks. And I don’t feel bad I didn’t have Matt Giraud in the bottom three since I can’t imagine anyone else did. If he’s showing up in the bottom three after a performance like that, it goes to show that there’s just a little something missing with him where he’s not connecting with the audience. If I remember correctly, a lot of past winners never appeared in the bottom three once during their season. I don’t believe Carrie did, nor did Fantasia or Taylor. Can’t remember if David Cook did last year. I don’t think he did, but I could be wrong.

-At least the “Idol” producers admitted this week that, yeah, our group performance is lip synched. In case you didn’t see, this was the exact reasoning they gave for it:

“Due to extensive choreography and to balance their voices with open mikes against a screaming audience, the Idols do sing along to their own prerecorded vocal track during the group performances only.”

Whatever excuses you wanna make, that’s fine. No need to justify it. Hell most, if not all, pop singers lip synch in concert. Especially ones that choreograph dance routines around their music***cough*** Britney Spears***cough***. The easiest solution is just eliminate it all together. It’s so high school play-ish its not even funny. I fast forward through it every week. Then again, I fast forward through most of the results show every week unless someone’s performing that I give a damn about. Brad Paisley? Tivo 30 second jump. Carrie Underwood? Yes ma’am, may I have another?

-Why did the judges pretend last night like they were actually considering saving Michael Sarver? No they weren’t. Nice acting job. Remember how I said last week now that Alexis is gone, the only ones they’ll use the save on will either be Adam, Danny, Lil Rounds, or Matt? Let me revise that. I definitely think they’re going to use the save this season. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that they never would’ve instituted it if they weren’t going to use it. Assuming none of those four ever receive the lowest amount of votes, I still think the judges would use it to save someone when it’s down to the final six or five. Let’s say they haven’t used it yet, it’s down to five contestants (those four and Allison for arguments sake), and Allison gets the lowest amount of votes. I bet they use it to bring her back the next week. Why? Just so they can have a double elimination. Adds intrigue and adds interest to a rather boring results show. So here’s the bottom line: If any of the “fave 4″ get the lowest votes before the Final 5, they’re getting saved. If none of them ever do, the judges will still use it on someone halway decent when its down to five or six. Does that make sense?

-Final note: This week, Reuben’s performance was taped after Wednesday night’s show (along with a performance by Jennifer Hudson that’s going to appear later this year). And now, not only is the group performance lip synched, but now it’s not even live as that thing was watched on the monitor by people in attendance. Yikes. How much longer before someone gets accused of lip synching on the live show?

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-I’ve become a big fan of Brande Roderick. I know, shocking huh? I think she should incorporate the Holly Madison strategy into every task. That being to just where as little clothing as possible. Would make it so much more enjoyable for the viewer. I loved the scene this week where she went to go meet the police chief to present him with the money she won and she says, “I’ve got something I want to give you”. I’m guessing at that point, the last thing that guy wanted to see was some check for his foundation. If Brande Roderick says, “I’ve got something I want to give you”, I think that calls for an immediate hard on.

-The NBC editing/hype machine in full effect last week. “The Dennis Rodman Meltdown”. Really? That was a meltdown? Omarosa and Piers had better arguments than that. Like we ever thought he’d lay a hand on Clint Black. Please. Totally contrived on Dennis’ part too. I bet they told him to do that. He’s always been the bad boy, so nothing he does on this show should surprise anyone. Him flipping out on Clint after they’d just won the right to present seconds made no sense whatsoever. I’m willing to bet he was told to do that. Yes, I’m cynical. Frankly, when watching reality TV, I basically am starting to question everything since pretty much all of it is fake.

-Claudia Jordan no doubt must be banging one of the higher up executives at NBC. How else can you explain her being on the show? What credentials does she have? As C & D list as everyone else on that show is, Claudia Jordan can’t even hold a candle to them in terms of accomplishments in Hollywood. Someone do some digging and find out who her boyfriend/sugar daddy is. Has to be someone higher up at NBC. A “Deal or No Deal” girl? There’s 25 of them. What makes her so special?

-You know what’s funny? I’ve always mixed up Brian McKnight and R Kelly. Not because they look alike but because they both produce the same kind of music. I was trying to remember Brian’s biggest hit and I had to google it before I remembered. “Back at One”. That’s a good song. Always liked that one. But if you told me R Kelly sung “Back at One” and “I Believe I Could Fly” was by Brian McKnight, I probably would’ve believed that too. Here’s how you can tell the difference between the two (Yes, here comes the easiest joke ever written on this website). Brian doesn’t like videotaping himself urinating on underage girls.

-Did I hear Trump correctly in the boardroom saying that he has TLC on his ipod? Sure you do, Donnie. I’m sure “Waterfalls” is always bumping on your ipod when you’re at the gym. Or “Creep”. Or “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. Quit sucking up to your contestants. You know what I noticed about Donald Jr. and Ivanka? That are infinitely more cooler than their father and are halfway normal. How did he spawn those two? And if you think my next line is going to have something to do with Ivanka dressing more like Holly Madison and Brande Roderick, well then, you know me too well. Funny thing about Ivanka is, as far as I know, she’s never really done a provocative spread in any men’s magazine. That surprises me. Hold on, let me google that real quick to make sure I’m not missing out on anything (10 minutes later). Other than a few busty cleavage pics, nothing too scandalous out there of her. Dammit. That needs to change.

-Just a bit of editing once again at the end of the show. When Claudia got eliminated from the boardroom, she hair perfectly straight hair and wasn’t wearing any panty hose. In her walk out to the car, looks like she had extensions in her hair, it was wavy, and she had on black panty hose. I’m obsessed with those three seconds of them walking to the car now so I can find something different from that shot to a shot five seconds earlier when they were getting in the elevator. I think the “Apprentice” has always acknowledged that the “elimination” walks to the car aren’t on the same night they’re eliminated, but dammit if it doesn’t stop me from pointing it out every week. I’m weird like that.

“The City” Finale

-I know I’ve spent too much time watching the “City” and the “Hills” when last night my whole dream ended up being about me and Spencer Pratt becoming good buddies after he called me out for something I said in a past column about him. One of the more bizarre dreams I’ve had in a while and one that I’d frankly never like to have again. I seriously could never bring myself to even speak to that douchenozzle.

-So the “City” finale has come and gone, and oh the drama! Uh huh. Just like the scripted it out. What a surprise that every single person involved in the show ended the season on some cliffhanger with where there life was headed. Almost like it was planned right from the beginning. Which it was. Really? Whitney and Jay just happened to break up in the last episode of the season? How ironic. Let me guess, when next season starts, Whitney will have moved on, dated a few more guys, maybe even be exclusive with someone, but then Jay will reappear in her life wanting her back, and it’ll cause drama. Of course he will. He’s signed on for season 2. Look, I hate to ruin it for those that actually like the show and enjoy watching, but there’s absolutely nothing real about this show. Nothing whatsoever. Short of giving them a script to memorize lines, everything in both the “City” and the “Hills” is all planned ahead of time according to a storyboard so they can tell a story throughout the course of a season. I don’t think I’m breaking any news here, but I know there are those out there that think what they see on television is real. I hate to burst your bubble, but its not. Just because they’re not given scripts with monologues to memorize doesn’t mean they’re not told what to say or how to act in certain situations. And you know what? I’ll still be watching when the “Hills” begins its “final” season on April 6th.

“The Bachelor/ette”

-Quite a few things to cover this week regarding everyone’s favorite show here. Let me first start of with the “Bachelorette”, which begins filming today. How do I know this? There are a couple guys from Dallas on the show this season who left for L.A. two days ago. From what I hear, the meet-and-greets out of the limo will be occurring tonight. Then the fun begins. Weeeeeeee!!!!!! So how is our little Jillian going to be as the Bachelorette? Well, according to OK! Magazine, nothing like she was on the “Bachelor”. Read this story:

The Bachelorette Gets Naughty!

Now, it’s hard to put too much stock into this report for the sole reason they only quote an “insider”, however, would it be really that far-fetched if we saw this after everything that went down last season? I don’t think so. Look, anything is believable at this point and if you immediately dismiss this report, you’re being naïve. Mike Fleiss and his production company have the same exact objective as anybody who puts on a TV show, which is to get people to watch. As we saw last season, they will stoop to whatever level they have to for eyeballs to watch their show. So at this point, nothing would surprise me regarding Jillians season. Nothing.

-Now as for the information I’d heard about a month ago, here’s the rumor that is going around. In past seasons this hasn’t been the case, but because of the backlash this show received after the Jason fiasco, I’ve heard that guys who were set to be cast on the show this season started pulling out at the last minute and were basically offered money to come back on and “guaranteed” spots in the final four, and/or, final two. I put “guarantee” in quotes because there’s no guarantee whatsoever that can ever happen in this show unless its written into their contract, which doesn’t happen. However, I’ve had multiple people report to me that two guys in particular were offered $50k each to be in the final two this season, with the one not getting picked getting a handshake offer to be the next “Bachelor”, yet both of them turned it down. Not bad coin, huh? Kinda funny that now when I watch the show, when we get down to the final two, I’ll be asking myself, “Gee, I wonder how much those guys were offered? Maybe they should change the shows name to “For Love or Money”. Oh wait, NBC already ran that show. Hell, I’d even consider selling my soul to ABC for that amount of cake. 70k for six weeks of work of pretending to be interested in some Canadian chick? Works for me. Where do I sign?

-Now of course there will be people that question the validity of this, but ask yourself this question. In the history of this show, have you ever heard publicly about anything regarding money given out to these contestants? No. Sure, it’s talked about on message boards, but ABC has never released a statement that said, “Today, ABC and Jason Mesnick agreed on a six-figure deal for him to become the next ‘Bachelor’.” They just announce who our next “Bachelor” is and tell us when the season will start. But lets not play dumb here. The “Bachelor” and the “Bachelorette” get paid, and well. So when you’re getting paid that kind of money, let’s face it, you’re probably going to do what you’re told. Nobody is going to quit their job for six weeks and be the focal point of a network show if they’re not making any money off it. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. As for the contestants, the contract stipulates you receive compensation once you reach the final four, whatever that may be. Probably varies from season to season. If they’re handing out six figures for you to show up on “DWTS”, they’re obviously paying you to be the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette”. Lets not kid ourselves.

-Once again, there are those of you out there who believe in love stories, and live in a fantasy world, and are hoping Jillian finds the perfect guy, falls madly in love, and gets engaged at the end of the season. This show has always pushed the bounds of ridiculousness, but this stuff takes the cake. Now they’re resorting to paying guys to come on the show with promises of making the final two? Yikes. Even for them that’s pretty low. Gonna be real interesting to watch this season knowing all this. If two guys already turned down 70k to be part of the final two, I wonder what the eventual final two guys are getting? And is there a reason no one has ever publicly asked Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison, or ABC, “Hey, how much does your Bachelor/ette get paid to do the show?” If no one wants to ask it, I certainly will. There’s a reason no one’s asked and it’s because they don’t want to have to answer it. Because once they start throwing around figures of what these people are paid, then, all the rumors about the show start becoming more believable.

-I think another interesting point about how “scripted” the show is how the announcement of Jillian as the “Bachelorette” played out. Mike Fleiss admitted publicly that they were going to ask Molly to be the next one because she was the final two girl. Then when they got wind of Jason “changing his mind”, they asked Melissa, and she declined. So he’s been on record as saying essentially that Jillian was their 3rd choice. Well, Jillian was announced as the next “Bachelorette” on “live” TV March 3rd during the ATFR 2 show. The show was taped the Friday before on the 26th, which means they came to an agreement with her sometime a little before that. So if Jillian is officially signed on as the “Bachelorette” in late February, yet they’ve been casting for the show for months in advance, doesn’t that pretty much tell you that they’re just casting roles, and not necessarily casting 25 men specifically for Jillian?

-If this show is claiming they are out to find the 25 guys that suit Jillian the best, wouldn’t all casting begin AFTER they’ve decided on who the “Bachelorette” will be? Of course it would, but that’s not the way it works. There’s no way that the 25 guys this season were all scouted, interviewed, tested, and prepped for tonights meet-and-greet all in the last month. Impossible. Casting directors pick out certain guys they like, they place them on the show, and only afterwards do they find out who they’re “competing” for. And apparently this season, are throwing around gobs of cash guaranteeing them spots in the final two, as well as false promises that if they don’t get picked, they would end up being the next “Bachelor”. Even Fleiss made it perfectly clear in an interview recently where he said people are more interested in the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” when they’ve seen them before and have followed their storyline. Hence the reason DeAnna was cast, then Jason, and now Jillian. And you can bet your ass our next “Bachelor” will come from this crop of 25 guys competing for Jillian. Just one big recycle going on now. It’s too much of a risk for them to cast someone that no one has formed any opinion about already as the focal point of their show.

-”Star” magazine ran a weird headline over the last week saying Jason wanted Melissa back, then I never read any sort of story about it. So to one up them, “People” magazine decided to give us an update on how the hell Jason and Molly are doing. Interesting read:

“The Bachelor’s” Jason Visits Molly in Her Hometown”

So since the finale on March 2nd, Molly hasn’t been to Seattle once? Uhhh, that can’t be a good sign. Blame it on using up all your vacation days already, but why couldn’t she fly out after work on Friday and come back Sunday? Let’s face it, the “we’re taking it one day at a time”, and “we’ll see what happens” talk is Bachelor-speak for, “It’s only a matter of time before we break up.” So they’re “happy” together? How can you be since apparently you’ve barely seen each other? The negative publicity Jason has received since the show end apparently isn’t helping either. Numerous reports are saying he’s very insecure about people not understanding his decision of “changing his mind” and if he doesn’t get over it, the relationship will end sooner rather than later.

-Unfortunately, we had a recent “Bachelor” break up as the lovely Holly Durst and Jesse Csincsak are no longer together. Let’s all let out a collective, “If these two can’t make it, is there any hope for the rest of us?” If you looked closely enough, Jesse and Holly were in attendance at Monday’s taping of “DWTS” even though they’d already broken up. Naomi was there as well. On Jesse’s website, you can see a pic of Melissa, him, Naomi, and Holly after the show ended, in that order. Man, Jesse couldn’t even be next to her in the picture? Cold.

“Email Bag”

I want to save a couple for next week as well, plus, this is taking me a lot longer than I thought, so here’s just a few to wet your appetite.

Hey Steve,

Kelly

Reality Steve: Well Kelly, after everything I mentioned above about money being thrown around on this show, it’s safe to say that DeAnna and Jesse’s breakup had much more to do with money than it did with love. Yes, money played a role in her picking him, it played a role in them staying together, and it ultimately played a role in their breaking up. Draw your own conclusions from that.

Hi Steve,

Laura

RS: Thank you Laura for thinking I’m an unemployed loser with nothing better to do. In case you missed it, I will refer you to an interview that someone did with me about a month ago entitled, “Who is Reality Steve?”

http://blogs.hairboutique.com/index.php/2009/03/01/who-is-reality-steve/

Yes, I have a job. That job also requires me to work from home, so I’m pretty much in front of a computer all day. That job also allows me a ton of free time to write, work on my website, and travel back to California to see my niece and nephew, which is where I’ll be next week for his 2nd birthday. Looking forward to that. Hey, maybe that’s why Maddie urinates all over my apartment. She’s so used to me being here all day, that when I leave, she doesn’t know where the hell I’m going, or if I’m coming back, so she lashes out. Hmmmmmm, could be on to something here. Although, she only does it when I leave at night. It never happens if I have a meeting during the day, or go to lunch. Only when I leave at night. Weird.

Reality Steve,

Tina

RS: Well, would I bring a complete stranger as my date to this event? Probably not. Although with less than three weeks left and still being dateless, I guess it could be possible. But if you want to show up, feel free to do so. It should be a really fun night for a great cause. For those that didn’t come to the site yesterday, check back to the first few paragraphs and I encourage you to help out in any way you can to the Child Abuse Prevention Center.

So that’s it for this week. Back on Wednesday with your “Idol” recap. Keep sending in your emails for the mailbag as it will appear every Friday in the “Reality Roundup” column. As always, any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, donations, date applications, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.