It’s been two weeks now since we’ve done this so there’s A LOT to cover. “DWTS”, “American Idol” results show, “Celebrity Apprentice”, “Survivor”, “The Hills”, and your emails. When I start referencing stuff that happened a couple weeks ago on “DWTS” or “Celebrity Apprentice”, don’t think you’re reading the wrong column but there’s some stuff that’s happened over the last couple weeks worth giving my opinion over. And what brilliant opinions they are. To start off, I’ll have you know that my computer and TV are working fine now. I realized how reliant on both I was on a daily basis when I was without them all day on Tuesday and I just sat around and watched paint dry. Took Maddie for like ten walks, went to the gym, took about a 2 hour lunch, went to the mall. Rough day I tell ya’. Good thing my dad was out of town and I was able to drive to his place to watch the shows and type the column. Let’s say I find a hobby shall we?

“Dancing with the Stars”

-Loved “DWTS” this week. Why? Cuz’ David Alan Grier cursed like a sailor when he found out he was in the bottom two. And if you’re a lip reader like myself, you know EXACTLY what he said. That was awesome. Even Host Tom didn’t mind bringing it up again and ribbing him for it, but man was David pissed. Half the time I don’t know if that guy is acting or serious, but it was obvious he was serious when he blurted out that f-bomb. Classic. Relax David. It’s a dancing show where you win a crystal ball. Plus, you already got your six figures for showing up to begin with. I doubt you’re hurting for money.

-Is it just me, or does Lawrence Taylor look like he just doesn’t want to be on the show? I understand he’s an intense competitor, but the guy never seems happy. He’s working hard, but let’s face it, he hasn’t really gotten better as a dancer. He’s probably going to be the next to go, and that’s a good thing. He really looks like he’s not having fun at all and wouldn’t mind packing his bags immediately so he can play more golf. I got a little nervous when LT called him the “Prince of Darkness” this past weekend. I thought LT was gonna go right through him like a sharp knife through butter. Half the stuff Bruno says you can’t understand anyway, but he was perfectly clear on that one. The Prince of Darkness? Really, Bruno? Couldn’t have avoided the double entendre there?

-I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say Naked Guy has been the best dancer this season. First, because he didn’t have any dance training to begin with as far as we know. And secondly, because he’s gotten the best scores. So what do we attribute that to? I’d say its to the bitch of a teacher he has in Cheryl. They show plenty of the pro dancers getting frustrated from time to time with their partners, and you’ll get the occasional blow up here and there, but man, Cheryl is a dictator during those practice sessions. I guess her style of teaching works for them, but there’s obviously other ways to go about it. Frankly, she comes off as a narcisstic beyotch when she bosses him around the way she does. Can’t argue with the results, but when you look at the other pros and they way they teach, either Cheryl is just the most impatient woman on the planet, or she’s just playing it up for the cameras. Or she’s sexually frustrated. I’ll say a little of all three.

-Why does Ty always look petrified? Not even when he’s dancing either. Just in general. The guy has the same look on his face whether the judges are happy that he’s improving, or whether they’re telling him he has the flexibility of a 2 x 4. It’s that look that most kids give when they know they’re about to get in trouble for something they’ve done. And it’s amazing how in week one, he was awful. One of the worst dancers we’ve ever seen. Then over the course of the next few weeks, he actually got better up until last week, when he went back to being the worst dancer out there. How does he do that? Must take talent to suck that bad after looking like you were improving. He’s only got a few weeks left in this competition no doubt.

-I like how they introduce Melissa as “Bachelor Star, Melissa Rycroft”. I wonder how that makes Jason feel? Especially considering have we really heard a peep about Jason and Molly since maybe a week after the finale aired? Hey, accepting a deal to become the Bachelor and pretend to “change your mind” kinda worked out for him, didn’t it? So he took a week of bashing from the press. They’re already yesterdays news now so lets not act like it’s that much of a stretch that he agreed to comply with that ending. I certainly won’t and even more stuff I hear since the finale proves to me what I said all along was true. But like I said, its yesterdays news now, so no need to get into that again. Just know it was true.

-You know who Chuck Wicks looks like? A cross between Matt Leinart and C Thomas Howell. I know, random. But it’s true. If you go to one of those photo booths and stick Matt Leinart and C Thomas Howell in there together, it will spit out a picture of Chuck Wicks. Since I’m not much of a country music fan, I’ll ask this question out loud: Is Chuck Wicks a big name in the country music world? I’d never heard of the guy before the show started, which isn’t saying much, but still. How many albums has this guy put out? Does he have any pull in that industry or is he just a wannabe who’s fairly new to the scene?

-Has anyone else noticed Derek Hough’s favorite phrase of all time? I can guarantee you that every results show, and he’s been doing this for a while now, every time he and his partner have found out they’ve advanced, he says, “Yeah baby”. And even in those taped segments backstage when the two of them are in the “confession” room talking to the cameras, he usually says it once as well. Just something I picked up on. Watch for it next time. He says it ALL THE TIME.

-I noticed two weeks ago that after Cheryl and Naked Guy got their perfect score of 30, she was heard telling us that she had “never had so much chemistry dancing with someone before”. Really Cheryl? Might want to re-think that one. I believe back in season 3 you had a partner named Emmitt Smith that you had great chemistry with. I’d bet he say the same as well. And oh yeah, your dancing chemistry wasn’t bad either.

-How cool was it to see Boyz II Men perform two weeks ago? Hell of a lot better than Hall and Oates. Maybe you weren’t into Boyz II Men as much as I was back in the day, but in high school, they were the cat’s meow. I seduced numerous women to the tunes of Boyz II Men back in the day. And when I say “seduced” I mean “tried my damndest to get to second base with anyone while their songs played in the background”. Can’t imagine why that didn’t work. “Hey ladies, come back to my car. I’ve got the latest Boyz II Men single on cassette tape.” You know what I did one time when the stereo and tape deck in my car was broken? I drove to school with the windows down and a boom box in the passenger seat. It’s safe to say that’s probably where it all started going downhill for me.

“American Idol” Results Show”

-Finally got to see Adams performance from Tuesday night. It was good. Was it great? Debatable. I think he’s had better, but I also think he’s had worse. It was a good, solid performance. Didn’t really think it deserved a standing ovation, but it was good. Once again, I don’t hate Adam. Go back to my first recap about this season and I even say I expect him to be in the final two. I still don’t believe he will win, but what does that really mean in the end anyway? Probably be better for him if he didn’t win career-wise. He’s no doubt the best performer they have this season and might be the best over any season. I liked in his video package where his dad admitted, “Yeah, he wasn’t much in sports.” Then Adam chimes in that he liked playing “dress up”. Really? Never would’ve guessed that.

-Holy nose job, Batman! Kellie Pickler, what happened to your face? Yikes. Two years ago when she came back to perform, she had two new goodies up front to show everyone. Now she has a new face. Not only has she lost weight, but I think it’s quite obvious she got some work done on her beak. The weird thing is, I don’t remember much being wrong with her nose. Let me guess, she’s gonna go with the ol’ “I was having breathing problems and it cleared up my deviated septum” excuse? Kinda like the one Karina Smirnoff went with. Look Kellie, just admit you got a nose job because, well, that’s what people do in the entertainment industry. They’re all perfectionists and everyone has to look perfect or else people won’t like them. At least, that’s what they try to convince themselves of. I’ve got no problem with these people getting their shnoze fixed, or going from an A cup to a DD. Whatever floats your boat. Doesn’t affect my life in any way. Just be honest enough with yourself and give people the real reason why you did it and not some made up medical excuse.

-I think Simon said it best yesterday when asked about saving Scott for this week. He basically said it would’ve been patronizing to keep him around another week, and said that with only two weeks left to use the “veto”, they might not even end up using it. Maybe two judges wanted to keep Scott around (Paula and Kara), but if Simon is the one making the final decision, you knew that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t even know if Lil Rounds is gonna be saved at this point considering her performances over the last three weeks. Probably looking at her, Anoop, and Allison being your next three voted off. Not necessarily in that order.

-Don’t know why, but I just completely forgot to put my predictions in the American Idol column this week. I guess cuz I wasn’t on my computer and I was in a hurry. To let you know, I actually did email someone before Wednesdays results show and said I thought the bottom three would be Anoop, Scott, and Kris, with Scott going home. So I missed out on Kris being in the bottom three. Oh well. I saw where next week, Quentin Tarantino is the guest mentor with them singing songs from movies. Didn’t Quentin Tarantino do this once? I could’ve sworn I remember him being a judge during an episode. And what the hell does he have to do with music?

-Do you realize how excited I was to see Frankie Avalon performing on Wednesday? I was so waiting for him to start singing “Beauty School Drop Out”. Too bad he almost collapsed before going on stage. Guess the paramedics had to show up and revive old coot before wheeling him on out there. Kinda weird how he pretty much looks exactly the same as he did in “Grease”. That’s one handsome guy. He was once banging that peanut butter chick, right? Annette Funicello? I sure hope so. She was a little nugget back in the day. Yes, I know she has MS now and isn’t doing all that great. I’m talking about her when she was in her “prime”. Rawr.

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-Due to the fact that the wind blew over my satellite dish while I was out of town, I recorded nothing from last Thursday through this past Tuesday, so I was unable to watch “Celebrity Apprentice.” I did read that Trump sh** canned both T-Boz and Chyna. I didn’t really understand the T Boz firing from what I read, but the Chyna thing was hilarious. He basically broomed her because of her past DUI claiming he had no idea she ever had one, and if he did, he never would’ve invited her on the show. Really? We’re supposed to believe that? Nobody in casting, when going over all the contestants for this years show, mentioned to bring up the fact that she had a recent DUI that was all over the news? Please. I highly doubt that. Whatever the case, she won’t be missed. But hey, if they want to replace her with either of her sisters, feel free to do so.

-So the last episode I saw was the one where they were running the floor of the Loewe’s hotel and Dennis Rodman was crushing vodka/cranberries the whole night. Awesome. One of my favorite episodes ever. Dennis is a complete mess and if you don’t think he will parlay this performance into an appearance on the next “Celebrity Rehab”, you’re crazy. You know it’s coming and I can’t wait to see it. Dennis likes his alcohol, but even that night was bizarre for him. I’m with Jesse James on this one. It’s actually sad to watch him now. Uhhhh Dennis, easy on the “Phil Jackson said I’m the best player he ever coached” bit. Quit taking things so literally. No matter how much Phil smokes from the peace pipe, a guy that coached Michael, Scottie, Kobe, and Shaq would never utter such a ridiculous statement.

-Talk about a bizarre task, what was with the gay orgy that was going on in that one room? First the dudes had a few guys in there, then a couple ladies show up, then they’re ordering food and drinks every five minutes, and every time someone came up to deliver, they were wearing less and less clothing. And then they placed a call early in the morning all in their bathrobes in a 3-man spooning position. Who thinks of stuff like this? And we’re supposed to believe this was all filmed in the course of one night? Doubt that. Just like planting Stephen Baldwin and annoying guy from Sopranos on there, I’m sure these guys were told exactly what to do. I don’t care how many of them were in that room, nobody puts down that much grub in the course of one night.

-The best part of the episode? Ending the night by throwing up the number for Alcoholics Anonymous on the screen. It was like they purposely wanted to throw in that “intervention” episode so this used Dennis as the scapegoat. Kinda like when Bailey Salinger had a drinking problem and all the rest of the gang cornered him in the house and let him have it. Then he went out, got liquored up, and almost killed Jennifer Love Hewitt, something I’ll never forgive him for. Oh wait, that wasn’t real?

“The Hills”

-Yet another show that didn’t record since my satellite dish was taking a nap in my yard when I got back. I’ll catch it this weekend. But let me guess, Lauren had a birthday party, they planted Heidi there so they could create this fake make up session between the two and set the stage for this to be Heidi and Spencers show once Lauren leaves at the end of the season? In case you haven’t heard, Heidi and Spencer are getting married “for real” on April 25th. It’s for the season finale of the show. Really? How convenient. And I was actually thinking it was because they were in love and couldn’t wait to start their lives together. Must have something to do with that paperwork they signed which stipulates they’re a couple on TV and they do what MTV tells them to do. When does the “City” start back up? I like their fake stories better than the “Hills” fake stories.

“Survivor”

-Holy crap, is this show back on again? Seems like it’d been off for a month. I must say, every season I think it’s going to suck, or its going to run its course, or the same stuff we see pretty much every season will get old, and it never does. I’m genuinely excited to see how this Brendan vs Coach thing plays out. As Jeff Probst said in his blog today, there’s like a million alliances going on right now, and one person’s decision here or there can change the whole game. Brendan thinks the “exiled” alliance is gonna get him through, yet Coach is all over his alliance with Tyson, Stephen, and JT and thinks he’s controlling it. Seems to me that the key figure in this game right now is JT. Whatever alliance he chooses to side with will be the alliance that lasts til the end. Then again, on this show, you never know. I could see four different people winning it at this point: JT, Stephen, Coach, or Tyson. I don’t think any of the other five stand a chance in the finals against any of those four.

-There was an article recently that said casting for season 19 and 20 of “Survivor” was still ongoing, even though it was originally supposed to end Jan. 14th. Apparently since word is getting out that now there are so many more contestants being recruited for this show rather than being accepted from a 3 minute videotape they send in, they’re getting less and less entries. In fact, 12 of the 16 people cast this season were “recruited” to be on the show. Yeah, like Eddie George’s wife sent in a video tape like thousands of others do and just “happened” to land on the show. C’mon. It’s obvious what they’re doing here. Doesn’t make it wrong, because one of the best parts of the show is how well they’re able to cast it. I was just saying if you’re one of those people that really wants to be on this show and you send in your tape every season hoping to get discovered, you should probably stop. The show has gotten too mainstream to just cast random people.

-If they ever do another All-Stars edition, which I’m sure they will, you could easily take 4 or 5 from this cast alone and put them on the show. Coach and Tyson are locks. I think JT is one of the more likable characters they’ve had in a while, so you know he’d get on. Then depending on how Brendan and Taj play the rest of the game, either of them could warrant being brought back for an All Stars edition. Speaking of Coach, anyone ever read his bio on CBS’ homepage? Here’s a brief snippet:

“Aside from setting the world record for the longest solo kayak expedition on the ocean (an amazing 6,132 miles), Wade has also been attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar in the Amazon and has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand.”

Coach is one of these guys that you just feel is shoveling B.S. with every sentence that comes out of his mouth, that it’s hard to believe this stuff. He kayaked 6,000 miles? And he’s a soccer coach? Something is missing here with him. Like if we were ever to find out this guy has had numerous arrests in his past, or maybe like five years of his life are unaccounted for, would you be the least bit surprised? Neither would I.

I need to wrap this up, so I’ll keep the mailbag to just one this week. I found this funny.

Steve,

Elizabeth

RS: I thought they gave me the nickname because I was just the friendly neighborhood hero. Funny that’s how Elizabeth got the nickname, but no, that’s not how I earned it. I went about it a different way apparently. For the sake of those involved, the transformation of how Reality Steve became Spiderman will have to remain a mystery. Just use your imagination. It’ll be another seven weeks before Spiderman makes another appearance, and when he does, watch out. There’s no stopping him.

I had to cut this a little short today (I know, “This is short, Steve?”), but I definitely had some other things to get to. It’s just that I’m hungry, it’s almost lunch time, and I’ve been typing all morning. Next week, I promise a couple good nuggets regarding this season of the “Bachelorette”. So as always, any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, more stuff for next weeks email bag, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Wednesday.