A lot of stuff to get to this week. Probably one of our bigger weeks in terms of content, so it’s possible I might spread this out over 2 weeks of columns. There’s “Celebrity Apprentice”, “DWTS”, “Survivor”, “Idol” results show, “The Hills”, “The Duel 2″, “The Cougar”, Heidi and Spencer news everywhere, not to mention the “Bachelor” Castaway weekend in Las Vegas, and a “Bachelorette” update on one of the men vying for Jillian’s heart. Before we get started, one quick note. I know a lot of you have mentioned how the comments section sometimes takes a while to load, and even after you hit submit it doesn’t appear right away. Yes, that does happen, but that has more to do with the website internally. Sometimes when I click on the comments it takes 20-30 seconds for it to load, sometimes it works right away. As for commenting itself, if you hit submit, then it went through. Might take a while to load and show up on the page, but it went through. It just looks bad when the exact same comment appears three times, and then a comment right after that giving your apologies for re-posting it just causes a little clutter. So please, one comment will do. This isn’t life or death. No need to apologize. Just don’t re-post please. Lets get started.

“Dancing With the Stars”

-Obviously the big story this week was Melissa being unable to compete. I think they need to do away with this “judging the rehearsal” thing. I don’t know, it just seems tacky. I can’t think of something better to do, I just know that’s not the solution. Maybe you just get eliminated if you can’t perform, period. The show must go on. Hell, that’s what Jewel seems to think as she pretty much dissed Melissa this week saying, “If you’re too hurt to compete, then you can’t compete.” Rawr. Cat fight. Ding ding ding. Wouldn’t mind seeing that. I’m sure they’ll look into it in the offseason, but judging those rehearsals is just dumb.

-One thing I noticed about Melissa and Tony’s rehearsal video, and you’ll be shocked to hear this coming from me I know, but it was Melissa’s boobs. Remember on the “Bachelor” she said she had a reduction and was once a 28FF? Gee, they must’ve really went in there with the vacuum and sucked it all out. She really seemed a lot bigger on the “Bachelor” than on “DWTS”. Ok, you got me. Yes, this is how I critique the female dancers. Or any female for that matter. Ha ha. Kidding. I think. I don’t really care all that much honestly, but for whatever reason, she looked much much smaller in the sport bra she wore during rehearsals than at any time in recent memory. Or in my dreams.

-Ok, I’m officially sick of Cheryl. Yet another pre-packaged video before her and Naked Guy’s dance, and there she is getting frustrated and just being a bitch during practice. It’s like clockwork every week now that she’s the one pro who has the pissiest attitude. I understand she wants to win, I understand she cracks the whip, and I understand she’s trying to get the most out of her partner, but no other pro acts like that in their video packages. In fact, none of them are close. Man, it seems like every practice session its that time of the month for her. It’s really gotten annoying. Especially when you watch all the other pros and how they deal with their partner. Obviously, she has her own style of teaching, and considering she’s a two-time winner, maybe I should shut up, but that would get on my nerves quick if she was constantly being like that to me.

-Chuck and Julianne are saying how great this experience was for their relationship now and its brought them even closer. Mark my words, these two are not going to last. You wanna know why? Because she is lightning years more famous and popular than him, and that dynamic has never worked out in Hollywood. When he’s part of some music festival in the sticks of Kentucky and she’s performing at the CMA’s, eventually, that’ll catch up to them. Nice guy, cute couple, but lets not get carried away thinking they’re going to be the next Hollywood power couple. He’s a no-name really. And once “DWTS” ends, Julianne will have plenty of opportunities to do other things. But hey, good luck you guys. Maybe I’ll run into you at Dave and Buster’s on your next date or something.

“‘American Idol’ Results Show’”

-Hey, how about that? Back on track with correctly predicting Matt going home. Not that it was all that difficult. Of course, the story of the night was people hyperventilating that Adam was in the final two. Really Adam fans? It bothered you that much? Ummmm, you need a life then. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re down to five people. Is it really that far fetched to think Adam couldn’t end up in the final two? You’re acting like he was told no one will ever produce an album for him and he’s been told to give up singing for a living. This show is voted on by pretty much a bunch of white, middle aged women and teenage girls. I don’t see what the shock is here. Especially with five people left. One is definitely the lowest vote getter, so that gives Adam a 25% chance of being in the bottom two. What’s so surprising? Nobody should be surprised about anything regarding this show from here on out. Except if Allison wins. That’s about the only thing that would surprise me at this point. Do I think Kris will win? No, I don’t. But if he did, it wouldn’t shock me to the point of some of the reactions I saw this week to Adam in the bottom two. Remember who’s voting, people.

-A Taylor Hicks sighting this week. Back making more music that has no “home” on the radio. Seriously, what station do you play Taylor’s music on? KIIS-FM, Top 40? No. Hard Rock? No. Classic Rock? No. Country? Love Songs? No. Alternative? No. R&B/Rap/Hip-Hop? No, no, no. Jazz? Maybe. If that’s the case, then there’s no wonder why his first album didn’t sell well. Lets face it, whoever wins “Idol” needs to get a lot of run on KIIS-FM/Top 40 type stations across America, or its not gonna sell. Period. Kelly Clarkson? Bingo. Reuben? Eh, not really. Fantasia? Did well for a little bit then tailored off. Carrie? Jackpot. Hit huge because you could play her music on Top 40 AND Country stations. Jordin? She’s done decent. Hey, at least she got to collaborate with Apollo Creed himself, Chris Brown. Nice career move, douche. David Cook? Another guy that can go Top 40 AND Soft Rock. Daughtry? More than one dimensional. That’s why I don’t think Adam would do well as the winner in terms of album sales. I can’t imagine he’d be putting out Top 40 type music like Clarkson and Underwood. Not sure. Time will tell.

-A great as Jamie Foxx was as a mentor to the kids this week, he was even better as a lip syncher on Wednesday night. Geez. Could that have been more obvious? When you’re voice is being synthesized, it’s pretty safe to assume you’re not singing live. Kinda brings me back to the whole Ashlee Simpson/Saturday Night Live debacle. Now, I’m not gonna sit here and defend Ashlee Simpson as a good singer because I find her rather average, but I never understood the whole crucifying of her because someone started the wrong vocal track. Hell, she never even started singing before they cut to commercial. Her band was playing one thing, and the recorded music was playing another. A LOT of vocalists sing over a voice track, so isn’t that a form of lip synching? Why did everyone come down on her for it? She’s not the first, and certainly isn’t the last. I remember the very next live show “SNL” did, Eminem was rapping over a voice track. The whole uproar over that never made any sense to me.

“Survivor”

-I love it when they do the challenge where they ask the contestants questions about other players in the game and you really find out who hates who. Of course, if you read Probst’s blog today, he hates that challenge and wishes it would go away. This week confirmed essentially what Tyson said in his exit interview last week (which the public obviously hasn’t seen), in that, Sierra was not very well liked out there and the editing is showing us a completely different person. The editing has pegged her as the underdog since Day 1 when she arrived sick, but Tyson said it, and now a lot of peoples answers last night confirmed it. She’s pretty much a bitch. It’ll be interesting to see if they come out and say it during the reunion show after the finale, which is always more entertaining than the finale itself. Sometimes its frustrating because rivalries you saw on the show, never pan out when it’s the live finale because they’ll say, “Yeah, I didn’t like him/her out there, but it’s all good. It’s just a game, and we were both competing. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. We’re cool now.” Something tells me Tyson won’t mince words when comes to Sierra and he will hate her til the day he dies.

-Another one of my favorite Probst-isms: After a team, or in last night’s case, Coach, Debbie, and Sierra didn’t win the reward, and neither went to Exile, Probst dumps salt on the wound with, “Guys, I got nothin’ for ya.” Really Jeff? And this whole time I thought maybe you’d surprise the losers with a feast to feed a small village. What a smug little prick he can be. Still the best reality game show host there is. No one is close.

-Coach was in rare Coach form during Tribal Council this week. Coach: “There are two things I hold most precious: Honesty, integrity, and courage.” Ummmm, that’s three Einstein. Once he and Deb ganged up on Sierra and claimed she was the one that approached them about reforming Timbira with Erinn to vote off Stephen, JT, and Taj, even I forgot what had happened earlier in the episode. I don’t remember who started it. Well, I rewound it after the show was over, and Sierra was the one telling the truth. With Stephen, JT, and Taj on their Reward Challenge, this is exactly what was said back at camp between Coach, Deb, and Sierra.

Coach: “With Erinn upset they sent her to Exile, if we’re gonna make a move, now is gonna be the chance.”
Deb: “Sierra, you would go with whatever Coach decided, wouldn’t you?”
Sierra: “I don’t know right now.”

So no doubt it was Coach and Deb’s idea since they were the ones who suffered the most from Tyson’s blindside last week. As I mentioned in last weeks column, there only chance to survive was to recruit former Timbira members, Sierra and Jenn, and have the 4-3 advantage, but that seemed impossible since I knew Sierra would be bitter at Coach for trying to vote her out last week. Which she gave him crap for last night basically saying, “You guys need my help now and why should I help you.” However, with all that said, I actually thought it was a genius move on Coach and Deb’s part to even bring up the fact it was Sierra’s idea to reform the old Timbira. Even though Stephen and JT seemed to believe Sierra over Coach, they still voted her out because of the drama she causes. And because apparently she wasn’t well liked out there at all. Whew. My head hurts.

-So last week I mention that the show is having us believing a Stephen, JT, Taj, and Erinn or Sierra final four, the fourth being whoever the Jalapao group decides to bring. Coach and Deb believe that their final four is them two along with Stephen and JT, who have told them as well that’s the the final four. And to back that up, at last nights vote, the 4 votes Sierra got were from Stephen, JT, Coach, and Deb. Taj voted for Deb, Sierra voted for Deb, and Erinn voted for Stephen for sending her to Exile. So going by that vote, you’d think the final four is Stephen, JT, Coach, and Deb. However, I think Stephen and JT were smart enough to tell Erinn and Taj, “Look, vote for whoever you want. We’ll let Coach and Deb vote with us to make them think they’re with us so we can blindside them at the next Tribal Council.” In fact, I’m positive that’s Stephen and JT’s strategy. Your final four is going to be Stephen, JT, Taj, and Erinn. Last nights vote out of Sierra was completely strategic on Stephen and JT’s part to let Coach and Deb continue to think they’re headed to the final four. I’m a genius, really.

“Heidi and Spencer”

-Amazing these two are getting their own “feature” in my column. So the marriage took place last weekend, and of course, Lauren showed up even though she denied she would for weeks leading up to it. Ummmm, this wedding episode is going to be this seasons finale. Lauren is leaving the show this season. Do we honestly think she wasn’t going to be a part of the major storyline in her last episode on the show? Probably the best news to come out of all this is that the show has been picked up for more episodes in the fall, with Brody, Audrina, Lo, Heidi, and Spencer being the focus now. Also, Kristin Cavallari was at the wedding and basically is going to come back to the show “replacing” Lauren. Awesome. So how’s that “other” career outside of “reality TV” working for you, Kristin? Or did MTV put an offer out you just couldn’t refuse? Kristin Cavallari returning to this MTV crap is hilarious on so many levels. Especially after she left “Laguna Beach” essentially vowing she was headed for bigger and better things in Hollywood and would never resort to coming back to such a show. Uh huh. Sure you wouldn’t. Everyone’s got a price, honey.

-Heidi is going to be on the cover of “Playboy” for their July/August issue and get a full spread inside. The only thing is, this is going to be one of those “tastefully” done shots and both of her lady parts will be covered up. Booooooooooooooo. So you’re doing “Playboy”, yet you’re going to cover yourself up? What the hell kind of B.S. is that? Why is “Playboy” even allowing this garbage? I hope their paying her like $100 for this spread. Here’s a rule I live by in life: If you’re gonna do “Playboy”, show us the goodies. No matter how fake they are. This just doesn’t make any sense. Especially when she paid top dollar for those implants. Say what you want about Heidi as a person, but her cans are pretty fabulous. These two are sucking every possible minute out of their 15 minutes. Especially more so since they’ve been officially cast now for “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” airing this summer on NBC. God help us all. Hopefully that will be the beginning of the end of their marriage and by the finale of the “Hills” airing in the fall, they’ll be seeing a divorce lawyer.

“Bachelor” Castaway Weekend in Vegas

-In case you didn’t hear, Jesse Csincsak arranged for a weekend in Vegas for all former contestants on the show who were booted off. From what I hear, no “stars” of the show were technically supposed to be there. Meaning, if you were ever one of the “Bachelors” or “Bachelorettes”, you weren’t invited. This was only for people who were booted off. Which is pretty ironic since, well, Jesse was never booted off. He was chosen as the final one in DeAnna’s season, so technically, he shouldn’t have been at his own event. Bygones I guess. So needless to say, apparently it got a little tense when not only did DeAnna show up, she showed up with Holly in tow. So his ex-fiancee and most recent ex-girlfriend are now BFF’s. What does Jesse think of it? Skip ahead to 1:26 of the video for his answer:

-There are plenty of pictures on facebook pages, or www.jessecsincsak.com if you want to look at who went, who looked like they hooked up, and who looked best in a bikini. Was I invited? Indirectly. Did I go? No. I’m sure all these people would’ve acted like saints around me knowing I’d be blabbing about everything I saw if I did go. But from what I’ve gathered in conversing with a few people, there really wasn’t any earth shattering news to come out of the weekend. The Holly/DeAnna BFF thing is probably the most scandalous to report, but that pretty much only affects Jesse. And what should he really care since he had some playmate on his arm all weekend. As for other hookups, I’m sure there were plenty. I just don’t know details and exactly who was with who. I’ve heard things, but nothing major.

“The Bachelorette”

-So do I spoil who one of the final four guys is, or do I wait? I think I’ll wait a little bit on this one, but just know one of the final four guys is definitely NOT there because he wants a relationship with Jillian. I know, crazy huh? Someone actually going on the show to further their career. Amazing. Mark my word. You’ll probably understand why once the show starts. Also, if any of you follow Chris Harrison on Twitter, you’ll notice he twittered, or tweeted, or whatever the hell you call it, last night about the show. Here’s what he wrote:

“Jilli isn’t as crazy as she thinks she is. I need a charcoal shirt.”

Do with that what you will. I don’t really know what it means. Could have a few different meanings if you ask me. So if all of you want to bug him and reply back, be my guest. Not my job to question the almighty Chris Harrison. It’s Chris Harrison’s world, he’s just letting us all live in it.

Ok, I’m tired. I know I said I’d get to “The Hills”, and the “Duel 2″, and the “Cougar”, but I want to go to bed. Long day tomorrow and Maddie is calling for me. I think. Anyway, any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, queries, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.