The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

The Bachelorette 5 Recap – 5/25/09

-Let’s first get started with where its stands regarding the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. I was going to launch it today, but not everything is set to go. I would’ve launched it tomorrow or Thursday, but then remembered I’m going to be in California this weekend for my birthday and won’t really be around a computer much. So I’m gonna hold off until next Tuesday when everything will be ready to go. I’m liking the products we have and I hope you do too. It’s just this week is a short week, everyone is just getting back to work today, I leave Thursday morning, and it would’ve been too much of a scramble. I’m sure you can all wait another week. And yes, the big #34 is this Sunday. I’ve now moved into the category where I’m referred to as someone in his “mid 30’s”. Oh boy. That’s a big step. Saturday night is going to be wild. Looks like Spiderman will be making another appearance I’m sure. And if you haven’t guessed what Spiderman is yet, don’t worry about it. Just know I will be him again on Saturday night. I’m good for it.

-It seems that I’ve drawn the ire of Canadians this season with a comment I made last week. I find that hilarious. Mostly because I essentially made the same exact jokes about Canadians last season when Jillian was on the show, and no one seemed to care. Now I’m insulting their country, I’m insensitive, and my comments are way out of line. And? Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve been doing this for 7 years now and I’ve said from the beginning, my column isn’t for everyone. I’ve accepted the fact that no matter what I do and what I write, I will always end up pissing off somebody. I get that. It’s just what I’ve never understood is, people taking the time to berate someone in an email if they didn’t like something they wrote. You know what I do with people whose writings I don’t care for, or who offend me, or who say inappropriate things? I ignore them. Writing them an email and telling them how much they suck is pretty much the last thing I would do. Like anything I say is gonna change the way they write. If anything, it eggs them on. Sure does to me. The more nasty emails from Canadians I get it, the more Mountie and Rolling Rock jokes I plan on making. Keep it coming. Let’s lighten up people. You’re not reading this column to find a cure for cancer. It’s entertainment. I generalize, I stereotype, I make fun of how people look on the show. It’s what I do. Sorry if you don’t like it, but its not changing anytime soon.

-Lastly, “Reality Roundup” will actually be appearing Thursday this week instead of Friday. Yes, I could’ve chosen not to write anything since I’ll be out of town Friday, but since there isn’t much to be writing on now with all the big shows ending last week, I figured I could get a column in. Definitely will have a few things to say about our “RW: Cancun” cast that was announced last week. Along with some thoughts on the “Hills”, “The Duel 2”, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”, and “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”. So check that out come Thursday. Ok, on to last nights show.

-We start out with Jillian telling us something we already know. Jillian: “I’m not a 5’5″, skinny, blonde, big boobed model. I’m just a quirky, brown haired Canadian looking for love.” Trust us Jillian, nobody has mistaken you for a model. Or big boobed for that matter. We are well aware of your features. I was surprised she didn’t tell us that she’s no hoser whose favorite movie is “Strange Brew”. Jillian understands her place in “Bachelorette” history. She can’t baby talk like Trista. She can’t be as vanilla as Meredith. She can’t be as disinterested in being on the show as Jen. And she can’t possibly be as phony and out-for-fame as DeAnna was. So hey, maybe it’ll work out with her and someone. Or not. I’m not getting my hopes up. Jillian, I hope this experience changed your life. I hope you found the one guy that you can love for the next 3 months before breaking up. And I hope you can turn this negative into a positive. Best of luck. We’re all pullin’ for ya’.

-Host Chris comes to visit the guys in his pimp black and white striped shirt. I think he stole that from any of the 20 guys suitcases considering they all dress the same. He informs them there will be 2 group dates, and a 1-on-1 date, but that not everybody will be going on dates today. This is always tense for the guys. The optimist says, “Well, if I don’t get to go on ANY of the dates today, then I must be safe and she feels she doesn’t need to get to know me.” The pessimist would say, “Oh sh**, I’m screwed. She doesn’t want to spend any time with me.” I think you should probably be a pessimist if you get left out of these dates, and I haven’t done the research, but I’m guessing there hasn’t been a single guy that got to at least the final four who got left out of one of the early dates. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. I’m sure some “Bachelor/ette” historian will look that up for me.

-On the group date is Michael, Brian, Sasha, Tanner the foot freak, Wes, Ed, Mathue, and Brad. It started out as an innocent little pool party where 7 of the 8 guys flexed their abs as Brad wore a collared shirt. Very nice. You didn’t really stick out like a sore thumb at all. Michael decided to pull Jillian aside and take her upstairs first to fawn all over her. Told her she smelled unbelievable, and was about to reel off a few more compliments before Jillian got up, walked downstairs, grabbed the rose up for grabs, and took off in a car. Ooooohhhh scandalous! What happens now? Where did our Bachelorette go? Host Chris knows and he’s here to save the day in his striped hoodie sweatshirt from the GAP. “Guys, Jillian has got the rose and you need to go find her. Your clues are waiting out front. Go!” Basically, the guys got paired up in two’s, got in a car, and had to follow directions on where to find her. All a big lame scavenger hunt. And even though they are paired in twos, once they finally reach Jillian, she’ll make a determination based on, well nothing, to see who gets to have dinner with her with the other seven guys have a circle jerk.

-I think we’ll all agree, the best part about the scavenger hunt was the duo of Tanner and Michael, or as I like to call them, Heath and Jake. My god, could those two have been any more excited to be paired together? I was half expecting them to forget the scavenger hunt, veer off into the Hollywood Hills together, rent some horses, and make passionate love all night long in a tent. They definitely lost some man points during that car trip. The screaming, Michael peeing on himself due to the excitement. What an odd duo. I can’t believe they were that excited to be in a car together to look for Jillian. I wonder how much studying of Michael’s feet that Tanner did. Did they not show us the foot massage he gave him? Did he give Michael a pedicure? What’s their relationship status now? Has anyone checked their Facebook pages? Maybe they’ve formed a bond far beyond what this show let us believe and they are currently feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries curled up on the couch in the spooning position. I hope they both get eliminated on the same night because one of them will be pissed the other isn’t around.

-Jillian is already at her destination waiting to see which two guys show up first to meet her. She is giddy with excitement. “I can’t believe eight guys are frantically racing around Los Angeles looking for me.” Ummmm, Jillian, it’s because that’s what they were told to do. Once again, yet another “Bachelor/ette” who thinks that because ABC plans the dates in advance and tells them where they’ll be going and what they’ll be doing, that they fall into this sense of entitlement. Let me tell ya’ something Canuck, if you weren’t on a show where the whole object is for guys to compete for your affection, then you wouldn’t be in LA right now on a group date where guys are on a scavenger hunt to find you. I’m pretty sure of that. I mean, you’re a nice girl and all. And you’re cute in your own little quirky way, but I’m immensely bored with what you have to offer right now, and if half these guys weren’t recruited to be on this show or using it to further their career, they wouldn’t even be there. But I like how you’re already sucked in to the whole thing and think 30 guys REALLY want you. Cool. You keep thinkin’ that. Keeps me laughing.

-So the dynamic duo of Wes and Brad are the ones who arrive to meet Jillian first and I’m really scratching my head to see who she’ll decide to have dinner with. Such a tough pick. Shocker, she goes with Wes. And basically doesn’t even give Brad a reason why. Brad, here’s the reason: The producers told her to. Get used to it. Wes is the country music singer on the show to promote his album, and his hair constantly looks like he just got out of bed. Jillian sees Wes as kinda the bad boy, something she admits to usually being attracted to. So her question is, “Am I his type?” Probably not. But hey, if he peddles a few extra CD sales out of it, you can be his type for the time being. Wes admits to having three serious girlfriends his whole life and is definitely a relationship guy. Jillian questions that since his lifestyle is basically set up to where he has a bunch of women fawning all over him being a musician and all. Of course, Wes says “No, no, no, that’s not me at all.” Then again, would he actually admit to groupie sex? I highly doubt it. Wes is the front runner right now as he gets the first kiss with Jillian. She doesn’t hide the fact she’s attracted to him and he doesn’t hide the fact that he wants to finish that song he started last week for her. Because, you know, maybe some radio executives are watching and want to sign him to their label.

-The lucky chap for the 1-on-1 date is Jake, the pilot from Denton, Texas. Jillian comes over in a black dress wearing the wings that Jake gave her the first night. She also has on red f-me boots. So her and Jake are headed to the “House of Blues” for the night. But first, he must dress the part for the evening, which means, he must now become a total redneck. Being from Denton, that won’t be much of a problem for him. But instead of dressing like every other guy in the house would, he needs to try on a cowboy shirt with embroidery in it, wear some tight Wranglers, and look the part. Jillian of course enjoys every minute of watching him go in and out of the dressing room, and I’m not convinced isn’t secretly having him dress this way for that reason. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Jake is loving every second of this too, but she seems to really be taking a liking to this. Silly kids. Why doesn’t she just chase him around the schoolyard then tell him she doesn’t like him?

-Once they get to “House of Blues”, we find out that Jake apparently has never watched this show before. Why? Because he was “shocked that we had the entire venue to ourselves. I thought there’d be a line with like 800 people for us to get in.” Don’t they give these guys a refresher course of what they’re getting into before coming on this show? Maybe give them some past DVD’s to freshen up on what their experience will be like once they agree to sign their life over to ABC? Really Jake? You’re really surprised that the whole place is rented out for you when they’ve basically done this, oh I don’t know, for about the last 16 seasons? You see, that’s what they do on this show, Jake. They put you in complete unrealistic dates that would never happen in real life, then when both people get so caught up in the fantasy land they’re in and try to convince themselves they’re actually falling for each other when in reality they’re falling for the experience, they rip the rug out from under you and put you back in the real world and you realize, “Hey, maybe so-and-so isn’t that romantic when the dates aren’t already planned out and paid for?” Oh, this show will getcha’ every time, Jake. Go ahead. Keep gushing over Jillian and how this is the best date you’ve been on. Of course it is. Something tells me your dates in Denton haven’t been where you could rent out a place to yourself and have someone perform solo for you.

-Of course, that’s not stopping these two from convincing themselves that each of them are the one for each other. Especially Jillian. “There’s definitely a spark here, which could turn into a flame, which could turn into love, and that could turn into marriage.” Yikes. Jillian is really putting the cart before the horse here. If that wasn’t bad enough, check out what she has next in store for us. “I know exactly that Jake could take care of me, and that’s what I’m looking for.” Hmmmmm, you’ve spent a whole couple hours with this guy so far and you already know that this is someone you could be with the rest of your life? Uh huh. This is gonna work out well. At least hold off on saying stuff like that until, you know, like a hometown date or something. You have no idea what this guys life is like. You may not even like Denton. Or who knows? Maybe he’s got a girlfriend back home and you realize this just in time for the hometown dates and he never gets one? Crazier things have happened on this show.

-So these two sit down to have dinner and start talking about the future. Jake tells asks her the really important stuff like, “What do you want out of all this?” Jillian responds, “To find my best friend.” To which Jake said, “I was hoping she’d say that. That’s exactly what I’m looking for.” Well aren’t you two a couple of peas in a pod? Why don’t we just cancel the show at this point and start the engagement party? They are giving these two an awful lot of lovey dovey camera time for us not to see something going horribly wrong in their future. Jake the pilot even puts in her head that, if she so happened to pick him, imagine having a date where he sends for a car to pick her up at work on Friday, bring her to the airport, and he takes her away for the weekend to another country. Wow. Pretty ambitious. And I’m guessing will never happen either. Promises, promises. Just admit it, Jake. You’re playing it up for the cameras now. Your dates will consist of dinner at the Black Eyed Pea, then to some dive bar in Denton to check out the local band playing that night. Of course, Jillian thinks that’s the most amazing date yet, and since they’re both such spontaneous people, that would totally fit her lifestyle. Hmmmmm, this isn’t going to end well for Jake.

-And oh yeah, Martina McBride performed live for both of them. They danced, they kissed, they danced some more, they laughed, they flirted, and they kissed. Pretty much how every 1-on-1 date that’s been at a concert rented out for the two contestants has gone. Jake shows us again his lack of “Bachelorette” knowledge when he realizes the concert is just being performed for the two of them. You know, for a pilot, he sure is a dumbass. I hope he’s not flying me out of DFW Thursday morning. If he is, I’m sure I’ll be all up in the cockpit asking him questions about Jillian and why it didn’t work out. You know what’s funny? Back in the day when I was a kid and the “Airplane” movies were a couple of my all time favorites, I actually thought the cockpit of an airplane was actually that big. A lot of room to maneuver, you could stand up and walk around, and that even someone like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar could be the co-pilot. That was all shot to hell the first time I flew and actually saw the inside of a cockpit. Holy crap. Ever looked in there? How the hell do they even breathe, let alone stand up in there? Seems awfully cramped space to be in for my 3 hour flight to California. I feel bad for Mr. Pilot. Is there really such thing as an auto pilot? How the hell does a pilot know where he’s going when he’s in the air and there aren’t any off ramps? What even makes a plane fly? I could go on for hours questioning air travel. I’ve always been fascinated by it.

-The next group date was one of my all-time favorites. Seven guys (Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kiptyn, and Juan) will be headed to Venice Beach to play some basketball with Jillian. It’s always interesting to see which guys actually have an athletic bone in their body and which ones end up being complete tards the minute the game starts. Immediately, Juan makes the first impression on me. Not because of his basketball skills or anything. But because he decided to wear his dove shorts to play in. What the hell was that? Your basketball shorts shouldn’t be 12 inches above your knee buddy. David was the guy who thought he was an All-American and you could tell was showing off. I’m not sure how much game he had, but he did look better than the rest of the clowns out there. Although, that’s like winning first place in the best looking pig contest. Of course, Jillian can’t play a lick so the guys all try and help her out. One of the guys is even dumb enough to yell out, “Double team her!” Whoa. That’s not til later in the season, buddy. You really think you should be looking to get a threesome before the second rose ceremony? That’s a bit of wishful thinking, no?

-So after all that dilly dallying around, Jillian says its time for them to play a real game. She’ll be right back, she’s gotta go get her team. She walks off and comes back with five black guys. My first thought? “Who says this show isn’t racially diverse?” There you go. Five large, hulking black men all vying for Jillian’s attention. Woops. No, they didn’t add yet another 5 guys to the show. It’s the Harlem Globetrotters! Fantastic! Now this will get interesting since nothing gets the party started more than a bunch of guys doing tricks with the basketball. How about the ol’ bucket of confetti trick? Hilarious. Knee slappers I tell ya’. If you’re over the age of five, and you find the Harlem Globetrotters entertaining, then you’ve got a problem. But after thinking this over, it all made perfect sense. I asked myself why in the world ABC would decide to put these guys on the show, until it finally hit me. The Harlem Globetrotters games are all fixed and scripted, just like this show. See, I knew there was a good reason for their appearance. Never thought they’d have so much in common.

-So once the Globetrotters showed up, David definitely had to show off even more and bring his “A” game. Of course, that consisted of him airballing his first shot by about five feet. Nice one. Our first hilarious laugh from the Globetrotters? Pick Jillian up to have her dunk then leave her up on the rim until Juan comes underneath her, mini-shorts and all, and helps her down. Awwwww, how cute. Too bad it’s the only girl-on-girl action we’ll get all season. If that didn’t endear Juan to other guys in the house, his act later certainly will. Time to head down to the beach to take a look at the sunset. One of the guys we’ve barely heard from this season, Mike, decides he needs to make himself stand out. And by that I mean, the producers told him, “Hey, do something to make yourself stand out.” And Mike, figuring there may be a final four spot waiting in the wings for him if he agrees, decides to bum a speedo off some guy at the beach, and run into the water. Jillian is totally impressed by this. She apparently thinks this is the funniest thing anyone has ever done. So Mike sporting a banana hammock and running into the ocean pretty much endears himself to Jillian. She now knows exactly who Mike is and wants to know a little bit more about him and his speedo. Or what’s underneath it.

-All the guys get dressed up and head to the Viceroy hotel for drinks and alone time with Jillian. To start off the night, everyone takes a shot. Well, except for Juan. David notices Juan had poured out his shot, then used his hand to cover up the glass while taking it to pretend to fit in with the rest of these guys. That didn’t sit too well with David, especially when right afterwards, Jillian pulled Juan aside for some alone time. David is roid raging right now. David: “There’s no reason we shouldn’t tie him up to a tree and beat the f**k out of him.” Wow. Really? Granted, what he did was a pretty chick thing to do, but now you want to pummel the guy? David is a very angry individual. Remember last week when they said in the upcoming previews for the season that something happens this season which has never happened before? I know what it is. David kills another person. And it’s probably Juan. Whatever the case, while he’s still alive, Juan gets some 1-on-1 time with Jillian so he can tell her how green her eyes looked earlier when the sun was setting. Wow. He’s really laying it on thick now. Maybe David’s right. Someone should beat the f**k out of this chick. Whatever the case, Jillian likes him enough to kiss him.

-Next, Jillian pulls Kiptyn aside for some alone time. He procees to tell her he’s never had his heartbroken in his life. He’s always been the heartbreaker. Like Jillian cares. The only reason she pulled him aside was so that she could kiss him. I got your heartbreaker right here. Gimmie those lips you manly man, you. For the record, we’ve seen Jillian alone with four guys now (Wes, Jake, Juan, and Kiptyn), and she’s made out with all of them. Granted, I’m sure she’s had alone time with other guys as well that we weren’t shown, but from what they’ve decided to show us, she’s 4-for-4 in presenting her tongue to another guys mouth. Jillian: “I hope you stick around for a while.” Huh? Isn’t that your decision? I didn’t realize he was the one who presenting roses. Jillian is apparently confused about this whole process now. No, you see Jillian, you’re the one who decides if Kiptyn sticks around for a while. Well, you and the producers.

-At the end of their long day, Jillian decides that Mike will get the rose and be safe at the rose ceremony. This pleases David for the sole reason that the guy he has a hard-on for, Juan, didn’t get the rose. And Mike got it because, well, he did nothing other than jump into the ocean in a speedo. That Jillian seems pretty damn easy to please. According to her, when Mike jumped into the ocean in the banana hammock, “That was wicked.” Whatever you say, Jill. Wicked? Haven’t said that since 8th grade. Must be a Canadian thing, eh? Just waiting for the moment she calls someone a hoser. Then that’ll put the finishing touches on our worst “Bachelorette” season yet. So far, her and Meredith are in a dead heat to finish first in that category.

-Time for the final cocktail hour where desperation runs wild, and David begins stalking his prey, the chick that is Juanita. First up, Tanner needs to tell us more about his foot fetish. He shares some alone time with one of the other dudes, and gets Jillians feet all to himself. I wonder if they paid him extra to do this? So of course he tells her how great her feet are and she asks which guy in the house has the worst. “Sasha. They’re hairy.” Outstanding. What about your lover Michael’s feet? Whose are better? I bet if pressed for an answer on that one, Tanner might not be able to be completely honest with her. Things are real for he and Michael right now. Things are getting more serious by the day. He certainly doesn’t need Jillian in the picture to complicate matters. Let’s just hope Jillian puts both of these two out of their misery sooner rather than later. You wouldn’t want to break up such a solid foundation between those two.

-Time for Jesse (who?) to get some alone time. I don’t think I’ve even seen this guy all show, but apparently Jillian has been dying to get to know him. Whatever. I think she’s gotta say that at this point to not make the guy feel bad. Jesse tells her that before coming on the show, he was given an opportunity to go live in Italy for a few months and do some business involving wine. Hell if I know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, the thing that caught my attention was him telling her he had a choice of either living in Italy, or coming on the “Bachelorette”. And naturally, he chose coming on the “Bachelorette” like any normal, sane individual would. So it’s official, Jesse is an idiot. Did this guy really turn down a business opportunity overseas just because he heard Jillian was the “Bachelorette”? He’s kidding, right? This is just one of those moments where he has little time to impress so he’ll just throw that out there in hopes that she’ll actually believe him? Wow Jesse. Quite a sacrifice you made. Kind of on par with Lauren Conrad deciding to pass up an internship in Paris so she could spend the summer with the racist homophobe Jason Wahler. Except your decision is worse. I’m sure you’ll feel that much better about it too when you don’t even get a hometown date.

-Wes is still making noise in the house because even though he has a rose (oh yeah, forgot to mention he and Jake both received roses on their dates so they’re safe for the night. Shocker), he still wants some alone time, and some of the guys aren’t too happy about it. Hey, isn’t that what Jeremy did with DeAnna which in turn made Ron call him classless? Can’t remember. Whatever the case, I guess Wes is this seasons Jeremy. Which is ironic considering Wes and Jeremy grew up together. One of the guys whose game Wes is stepping on is Robby the bartender. He’s mixing up one of his classic “Rozmos” to bring to Jillian. And just as he’s about to spill his guts to her, Wes walks in and steals her away for some alone time. You don’t do that to the Robster. He is none too happy with Wes right now. This means war for Robby. Immediately he starts in with the “Wes isn’t here for the right reasons” complaint. Something tells me this will be a recurring theme throughout the season. Bed Head Wes will have to do an awful lot of convincing that he’s not there to pass out free CD’s and get some serious camera time.

-Host Chris comes out to tell us that, no, it’s not time for Jillian to make her decision, but that all the guys will be voting on which guy they’d like to see go home. David’s eyes bug out of his head even more than they already do. I’m surprised he even wrote down who he wanted to leave. I figured he’d just scream it at the top of his lungs. The funniest part about Host Chris announcing this to the guys? While he’s doing it, there’s a shot of Tanner and Michael on the couch and Tanner has his arm around him. You think our next “Bachelor” wedding will be Jason and Molly? Try again. It’s these two. Jillians quest for love is becoming less and less interesting and is completely taking a backseat to the bromance going on between Tanner and Michael. I really hope these two make it. In fact, I hope you don’t mind me covering their relationship the rest of the season. Or at least until they’re eliminated.

-So all the guys vote, and Host Chris informs us that Juan has received the most votes. Of course, Host Chris needs to show us how fluent he is in Spanish by pronouncing it “Who-ahn”. Thank you, Chris. Thank you for bringing me back to sophomore year high school Spanish class. How many stories in high school Spanish revolved around a kid named Juan? All of them? I didn’t even know there was another Spanish name until I graduated. Juan liked the library. Juan has two sisters. Juan goes to the airport. Juan sure played a key role in my high school Spanish knowledge. All of which I’ve forgotten now. So with Who-ahn getting the most votes, Jillian has the option to save him, or let him leave the mansion now in shame. So to piss David off and ensure there will be a murder this season on “Bachelorette”, Jillian decides to use her judges save on Matt Giraud, AKA Juan. To this, David dropped a few f-bombs to the camera. David seems like a real stable guy who keeps his emotions in check. I see big things in his future. Like a 300 lb cell mate.

-I must obviously talk about Brian the d-bag who decided that he needed to do SOMETHING to grab Jillians attention. So he decided to strip for her, to complete nudity, then jump in the pool. I don’t know what says, “Hey, look at me and my small dingus” more than that, but Brian accomplished it. The one dude from DeAnna’s season, Paul, did that on the first night but at least he went with the speedo. Really? Stripping down completely naked in front of someone you’ve known for three days is supposed to impress her? Something tells me after Brian returns home to the world on internet dating, his profile pic is of him shirtless. And he’s probably one of the weirdos that sends pictures of his junk after a chick responds to him. Brian, just be thankful that “To Catch a Predator” has been taken off the air. Something tells me you would’ve made quite a showing for yourself on that someday.

-Rose ceremony time. Jillian has lots to say. “I had an incredible week. These were amazing dates. Glad you all opened up. I’m incredibly lucky. You’re incredibly good looking. I’m the one Bachelorette who’s been blessed with the best bunch of smart, charismatic guys. And just because I haven’t said this word enough, you’re all incredibly incredible. Kudos to the casting department for recruiting all of you.”

Wes, Jake, Mike, and Juanita are safe from earlier. The others getting roses are:

Jesse: Italy awaits you, pal.
David: A trial awaits you.
Ed: In case you haven’t noticed, Ed looks exactly like a cross between Robert Downey Jr and Jeremy Piven.
Sasha: You have ugly feet, my friend. Tanner will always hate you.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is, which means he’s gotten no camera time, which means he’s going home soon.
Michael: Like he cares he got a rose.
Tanner the foot freak: Now Michael is happy. How cute that Jillian called their names back-to-back.
Kiptyn: The heart breaker is going to be around for a while now.
Reid: We haven’t seen much of him. But we will.
Robby: Apparently that Rozmo worked. He must’ve laced it with GHB.
Tanner F.: Another guy we have barely seen any of.
“Gentleman, Jillian, it’s the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. David is about ready to spear Juanita from across the room, so you better make this quick.”

Brad: So he loses out on the solo date to Wes, but somehow managed to get a rose out of it.

-So Julien, Mathue, Simon, and Brian didn’t get roses. We didn’t know much about any of them, so it wasn’t really sad to see them go. Well, except Brian, who blamed the weather on the fact that he was “hung like a lightswitch, so that probably didn’t help matters.” Thank you Brian for that visual. Now go comb the high schools for your next victim you creep. I would hope that Mathue would use this experience to see that his name is spelled incorrectly and he needs to fix it. As for Simon, he was the Agnese of this season. The European contestant who completely didn’t fit in. Except Agnese got to the final four, and Simon is going home in Week 2. That’s ok. Gives him more time to hang out in pubs, sing songs, and star fights while watching Liverpool play soccer.

That’s it for this week. I’ll see you Thursday for your next “Reality Roundup”. All your feedback is welcome either in the comments section or email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Don’t forget to join me on Twitter at “RealitySteve” (check out yesterday’s brilliance on the Spelling Bee), you can join the “I Love Reality Steve” Facebook group, or, you can just add me as a friend on Facebook. You can do it all by scrolling down the right hand column. See you Thursday.

31 Comments

31 Comments

  1. Carrie

    May 26, 2009 at 9:17 AM

    Steve, you absolutely must continue to cover the budding romance between Tanner and Michael. It is honestly the most real and intense feelings I’ve seen on this show! I’m just glad to see that the husband and I weren’t the only ones to recognize it.

  2. bfan22

    May 26, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Steve, I am so happy you noticed the love connection between Michael and Tanner- so obvious. Also when Jake and Jillian were driving to the House of Blues there is a shot of a billboard- an ad for ABC’s Bachelorette! Lame. Juan reminds me of Tailor Made on I love NY- just cause he’s so awkward and tries way too hard.

  3. Curmudgeon

    May 26, 2009 at 10:39 AM

    You got it, Steve. David is a thug. Maybe this is morbid, but I hope he tries something physical with Juan (or any other guy) and he gets a shiv or bashed over the head with something in the mansion for it. ABC wants ratings? That would do it!

  4. nurseman3802

    May 26, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    I refuse to watch these lame “reality” programs after what happened to Melissa Rycroft. And so far I have stayed true to that commitment, however I can’t wait for YOUR assessments each week. All I can say is Sidesplitting Hilarity. I’d rather get my entertainment from someone real than give ABC the ratings they desire.

  5. eloquentblue

    May 26, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    So many LOL moments in your blog but this one took the cake – “David is about ready to spear Juanita from across the room, so you better make this quick.” I had to re-do my make-up after laughing so hard.

    I agree re: TannerP/Michael and though they were wayyyyyyyy too enthusiastic on their car trip. And David? He went from speechless to dropping the testosterone-filled f-bomb a dozen times. You are right – a trial awaits him *lol*.

    This was a fantastic synopsis .. thanks!!

  6. JENNIFER S.

    May 26, 2009 at 11:58 AM

    Okay RS – I have decided NOT to read you while I am eating lunch. Nope – no can do. I swear to God, Im gonna choke one of these days if I do. “Circle jerk”, “Heath & Jake”, the bromance (which I did notice the arm around the guy too) Who-Ahn!!!! Im laughing as Im typing this. SOOOOO Funny. Im so glad youre here RS!

    My friend at work is babbling on about Jon & Kate now. I can’t wait to see what you write on Thursday.

    Happy Birthday – enjoy your trip and behave yourself Spidey!
    😉

  7. Deegirl

    May 26, 2009 at 12:40 PM

    Steve,

    Good to have you back minus the drama that was last season. Your recap is hilarious as usual. My gaydar must be way off because I completely missed the Michael/Tanner connection. I kept thinking they’d be perfect for a remake of Dumb and Dumber. But the arm over the shoulder on the sofa OMG, get a room you two. I think my dog has a higher IQ than both of them put together. I keep thinking Juan is gay. And I think his boyfriend David is one of those in the closet homophobes who hides behind his hate.
    Love Jake/Mike/Jesse/Reid. Wes is the biggest, creepiest douchebag ever. I think Kiptyn is a player. I think he has commitment issues but I think he’s probably really good in bed and would be a great one night stand. Well, at least I’m not reading too much into this. Ed is too funny. Next week “I better get a rose for this”. And Reid “do you really love me more than anything else in the world?” to Juan. Yeah, that and his in the closet hater David.
    If ABC is going to steal from other shows (The Amazing Race) they should steal from Big Brother and keep the cameras on in the Outhouse 24/7. Love the outtakes with the guys. Much more entertaining than their stupid scripted “love story”.
    Anyone else notice that when Jillian is kissing the guys she goes in for the kiss instead of them. It also always looks really awkward like they are kissing their sister. She’s just too much like one of the guys. I agree most of the guys probably thought they were getting Melissa but got her tomboy little sister instead.

  8. cagey

    May 26, 2009 at 12:41 PM

    Happy Birthday Steve! I hope you have a great day!

  9. Deegirl

    May 26, 2009 at 12:49 PM

    Oh, yeah I thought Mathue looked like he could be George Bush’s son. I don’t think his parents decided on an alternative spelling for his name I just think they didn’t have a clue.

  10. ibhaleybug

    May 26, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    Michael and Tanner’s budding bromance was definitely the highlight of last night’s episode. And good call on Ed – although I was thinking a mutated version of Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

  11. Dennett

    May 26, 2009 at 1:49 PM

    You’re the best! Enough said.

  12. KellyH

    May 26, 2009 at 2:14 PM

    Jillian’s season puts me to sleep. Snooze.

    Looking forward to any dish you might have on Jon and Kate. I am almost willing to bet that this whole thing is a HUGE publicity stunt. What better timing that this all came to surface than right before their season 5 starts. Hmmmm…sorry, can’t feel sorry for them!! Just feel sorry for their 8 kids. They deserve better than this.

  13. ann_j

    May 26, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    Dee girl
    I agree with ya, I too noticed that Jillian went in for the kiss with all 4 guys and all of them were pretty awkward. I was cringing while watching them on TV. I think someone mentioned this someplace that maybe she hasn’t dated very many men, hence she is falling for everybody.

    and Steve , great recap as usual, had a frickin load of fun stuff. I gss with teh # of clowns and less intelligent guys on this season, your recapa might be funnier than usual.

  14. jan

    May 26, 2009 at 2:37 PM

    Awwww Steve…your recap is crazy…dont cha know…the only thing that makes sense to me is that this batch of Bachelors WAS picked for Molly not Jillian. They all would go with her “shucks” persona.

    The forced hilarity of each minute of each date is tiring. I feel sorry for Jillian, she really has to try way too hard to show she’s having fun.

    What’s with her belly button? My husband thinks it’s the scar from all of the lipo- she had to make her so thin.

    And that dress she wore with the points…OMG! At first I thought she came out with a Madonna-esq cone brassierre…wow.

    I like Wes…but I think he might be mentally challenged and that just comes across as wicked suave….

    Thanks for the entertaining recap and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

  15. angela1040

    May 26, 2009 at 7:28 PM

    Tanner the foot-fetish freak reminds me of Jack from Will & Grace.

  16. Carolyn

    May 26, 2009 at 8:18 PM

    Once again Steve, you are making this scripted show worth watching. Your comments are nothing short of comical genius. You say exactly what I feel as I am watching the show.

  17. pinkstockdiva

    May 26, 2009 at 9:33 PM

    Great Recap Steve… I loved the comments about Wes, and his bed head.. From the couch after the tuxedo change he looked very scruffy! It seemed like another team was ahead of Wes and that loser guy he was with. Also I loved the exchange between feet freak and break dancing kid… Hilarious… Roid rage.. FUNNY.. keep up the good work!!

    I agree that had the Pilot and Jilli been in that bar with 800 people, trying to hear over the noise drinking watered down drinks would have been a million times different than seclusion and a private concert.. But Jake was hot during the clothing changes.

  18. KiSsSsSs

    May 26, 2009 at 10:15 PM

    I was hoping you were going to comment on the whole Tanner-with-his-arm-around-Michael thing. I was, however, surprised you never mentioned Tanner’s comment–“I saw a guy get naked (pronounced `nekked’) and was like, WOAH!!” Haha. I’m patting myself on the back, because when Tanner first came out (haha) on the first episode and was standing with the other 4 guys, the first thing I said to my fiancee was, “that guy looks GAY!” And now we have proof. However, I actually thought the interaction between Michael and Tanner in the car was hillarious–they seemed to be having such a good time getting lost and not really caring, reminded me of a couple kids. And Michael’s comment about peeing in his shorts a little kind of reminded me of Jesse in DeAnna’s season talking about farting in bed.

    I was on another spoiler site and someone mentioned that they knew David and he was commenting about how he got a bad edit on the show. You think? I realize the power of editing and all, but they can’t make you sound like you are talking about tying someone to a tree and beating them unless you actually SAID it. Get a clue. Better yet, get a brain.

  19. SweetPea

    May 26, 2009 at 10:58 PM

    Steve — Hope you have a great trip to California and a wonderful birthday celebration! I am nearly 60 years old but hopelessly addicted to The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I found your site quite by accident last year when Jason was pursuing Melissa, Molly and Jillian and now I read it every week and I must say, you have a real gift for comedy! I cannot believe how hard I laughed at your recap of last night’s Bachelorette. I had mascara running down my cheeks from laughing so hard! Keep up the great work … and I hope you have some good dirt to share with us in upcoming weeks. (For instance, the trailers tease us by saying there are a few guys there that already have girlfriends — I wonder who they are?) Love your take on Tanner/Michael! And you’ve got to love those Canadians — my best friend is one, and while she’s a medical professional, she’s still a total ditz! I don’t think they know any better :) Best wishes again!!!

  20. kc

    May 27, 2009 at 3:29 AM

    you didn’t notice jesse the first night?!!
    i did. bigtime.

    2 things:
    – jesse, if he makes it to the hometown date (which he will), will be who jillian chooses in the finale.
    – the surprise on this show will be that one of the guys jillian expresses she has fallen for… does not feel quite the same. and will bail. will not accept the rose.

    remember this, please.

  21. mja

    May 27, 2009 at 8:05 AM

    This recap is hilarious, and far more entertaining than the actual show was. I am now remembering why I’ve been only an occasional watcher of the Bachelor/ette in the past. It just doesn’t grab my attention enough — especially for two hours!

    I’m disappointed that Jillian is such a ditz. I didn’t really see that coming. She is showing very little substance so far (although maybe I shouldn’t be looking for any substance on this show!). I think one of her criteria is going to be how well she likes the guys’ kissing abilities. That’s why she is jumping in right away with the smooching.

    Wes seems remarkably unconnected to Jillian, up to this point. He is competitive in his actions, but I get the impression he is just doing it to play the game, and I don’t really see a real connection with her. Although, that could change. Jake is the opposite… it seems that the connection is being displayed and almost forced by both of them. Due to the editing, I agree with you that one of the two of them (probably him) is being set up for a huge heartbreak. And Kiptyn, never having had his heart broken, in his early 30s? Something will happen with Jillian and Kiptyn — either he will get his heart broken, or he will coldly turn her down, or he will turn out to be “the one” — there has to be a reason they put that comment into the show.

    Happy birthday, Steve!

  22. jljohnson

    May 27, 2009 at 8:37 AM

    I have to echo what everyone else already said – so far these two episodes of the Bachelorette have been rather boring but I watch it in part so I can read your recap the next day! They have most definitely been better than watching the show itself!

    The part about Michael and Tanner was soooo funny, I was cracking up! The part when they were driving around shirtless, giggling like 2 13-year-old girls was hilarious. I’m thinking Juan is definitely gay. Maybe he’s just very feminine but when he was telling Jillian about how her eyes were “piercing” when she was standing on the beach and just the WAY he said it…I thought, “There is no way this guy is straight!”

    My favorites so far are definitely Jake and Mike. Wes is a tool and David is just kind of scary. He seriously needs to chill! Juan was bugging me too but then David starts going into his angry rant and I kind of disliked him more than Juan!

    Anyway, have a happy birthday, Steve!

  23. CalaLily

    May 27, 2009 at 9:50 AM

    Bravo, Steve! Keep it up. Love your sharp sense of humor and the in depth reporting. And someone who sees what I see – BRAVO! (I also think that the Tanner/Michael story is ABC’s secret love story). and Happy Birthday!

  24. suez

    May 27, 2009 at 2:11 PM

    KC…. You made a couple of comments. Who is your resource??? Do you know somebody connected to the show??

  25. Iris

    May 27, 2009 at 2:40 PM

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
    Have a great time.
    Love your site.

  26. mrgreen523

    May 27, 2009 at 3:06 PM

    Great job Steve!!! So funny and happy happy birthday!!!!

  27. bribri

    May 28, 2009 at 6:53 PM

    I have the worst gaydar ever – I didn’t even pick up on the Michael/Tanner bromance. How could I have completely missed that?
    I’m surprised you didn’t notice the uncomfortable kiss between Jill and either Juan or Kipten. I hadn’t noticed it before, but she kept leaning in and out while kissing him – her neck like a turtle. It was very strange and awkward to watch – I felt embarrassed, like I should look away. It was like being 10 years old and seeing your parents kiss. Totally disgusting. I was also weirded out by her constant use of the word “wicked” last night – she said it at least 4-5 times. And am I the only one that hates when they always use the phrase “you are such a great guy/girl and will make someone very happy one day”. Yea, so great that I am not attracted to you in any way and I’m sending your sorry ass home. It’s right up there with handing someone the friend card. Just let them go with dignity, is it really necessary to humiliate them further?
    Thanks for keeping this show entertaining and hilarious Steve. This week’s column was great – you have a true talent for writing!
    Have an awesome birthday!

  28. mja

    May 29, 2009 at 8:08 AM

    Oh, did anybody notice how uncomfortable Jillian seemed when Tanner the foot fetish guy was examining her feet in this episode? She seemed to be trying to divert his attention (haven’t seen a replay; this is just what I remember and forgot to put in my comments above.

  29. Brady

    May 30, 2009 at 12:00 AM

    I thought the most uncomfortable part of the night, (not including the Globetrotters) was when Jake planted a kiss on Jillian’s lips when she was totally unprepared for it. If Jake is as clumsy a pilot as he is a lover, I hope I never fly his airline. LOL

    By the way, I’ve created my own Bachelorette blog (no, I don’t have any intentions of competing with Steve..YOU are the man Steve). But anyway, for those interested, I pull no punches in my reviews, and have a few polls as well.

    And through photo analysis of available pics on the net, I have been able to determine who are most likely three of the final four guys. (Wes, Reid, and Kip) For further info, check out my blog at…http://bachelorettenews.blogspot.com

  30. sweeetbea

    June 5, 2009 at 4:51 AM

    Hi Steve: Been up the past couple hours catching up on the last few weeks’ recaps. I’m very dissappointed as I think there is something missing form the 5/25/09 Bachelorette one. The recap ends with: “Jillian got up, walked downstairs, grabbed the rose up for grabs, and took off in a car. Ooooohhhh scandalous! What”. Where is the rest? Am I missing something on the page I’ just not seeing? Love your recaps, they crack me up! Bea

  31. sweeetbea

    June 5, 2009 at 4:53 AM

    Hi Steve: Been up the past couple hours catching up on the last few weeks’ recaps. I’m very dissappointed as I think there is something missing form the 5/25/09 Bachelorette one. The recap ends with: “Jillian got up, walked downstairs, grabbed the rose up for grabs, and took off in a car. Ooooohhhh scandalous! What”. Where is the rest? Am I missing something on the page I’m just not seeing? Love your recaps, they crack me up! Bea

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