-Let’s first get started with where its stands regarding the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. I was going to launch it today, but not everything is set to go. I would’ve launched it tomorrow or Thursday, but then remembered I’m going to be in California this weekend for my birthday and won’t really be around a computer much. So I’m gonna hold off until next Tuesday when everything will be ready to go. I’m liking the products we have and I hope you do too. It’s just this week is a short week, everyone is just getting back to work today, I leave Thursday morning, and it would’ve been too much of a scramble. I’m sure you can all wait another week. And yes, the big #34 is this Sunday. I’ve now moved into the category where I’m referred to as someone in his “mid 30’s”. Oh boy. That’s a big step. Saturday night is going to be wild. Looks like Spiderman will be making another appearance I’m sure. And if you haven’t guessed what Spiderman is yet, don’t worry about it. Just know I will be him again on Saturday night. I’m good for it.
-It seems that I’ve drawn the ire of Canadians this season with a comment I made last week. I find that hilarious. Mostly because I essentially made the same exact jokes about Canadians last season when Jillian was on the show, and no one seemed to care. Now I’m insulting their country, I’m insensitive, and my comments are way out of line. And? Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve been doing this for 7 years now and I’ve said from the beginning, my column isn’t for everyone. I’ve accepted the fact that no matter what I do and what I write, I will always end up pissing off somebody. I get that. It’s just what I’ve never understood is, people taking the time to berate someone in an email if they didn’t like something they wrote. You know what I do with people whose writings I don’t care for, or who offend me, or who say inappropriate things? I ignore them. Writing them an email and telling them how much they suck is pretty much the last thing I would do. Like anything I say is gonna change the way they write. If anything, it eggs them on. Sure does to me. The more nasty emails from Canadians I get it, the more Mountie and Rolling Rock jokes I plan on making. Keep it coming. Let’s lighten up people. You’re not reading this column to find a cure for cancer. It’s entertainment. I generalize, I stereotype, I make fun of how people look on the show. It’s what I do. Sorry if you don’t like it, but its not changing anytime soon.
-Lastly, “Reality Roundup” will actually be appearing Thursday this week instead of Friday. Yes, I could’ve chosen not to write anything since I’ll be out of town Friday, but since there isn’t much to be writing on now with all the big shows ending last week, I figured I could get a column in. Definitely will have a few things to say about our “RW: Cancun” cast that was announced last week. Along with some thoughts on the “Hills”, “The Duel 2”, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”, and “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”. So check that out come Thursday. Ok, on to last nights show.
-We start out with Jillian telling us something we already know. Jillian: “I’m not a 5’5″, skinny, blonde, big boobed model. I’m just a quirky, brown haired Canadian looking for love.” Trust us Jillian, nobody has mistaken you for a model. Or big boobed for that matter. We are well aware of your features. I was surprised she didn’t tell us that she’s no hoser whose favorite movie is “Strange Brew”. Jillian understands her place in “Bachelorette” history. She can’t baby talk like Trista. She can’t be as vanilla as Meredith. She can’t be as disinterested in being on the show as Jen. And she can’t possibly be as phony and out-for-fame as DeAnna was. So hey, maybe it’ll work out with her and someone. Or not. I’m not getting my hopes up. Jillian, I hope this experience changed your life. I hope you found the one guy that you can love for the next 3 months before breaking up. And I hope you can turn this negative into a positive. Best of luck. We’re all pullin’ for ya’.
-Host Chris comes to visit the guys in his pimp black and white striped shirt. I think he stole that from any of the 20 guys suitcases considering they all dress the same. He informs them there will be 2 group dates, and a 1-on-1 date, but that not everybody will be going on dates today. This is always tense for the guys. The optimist says, “Well, if I don’t get to go on ANY of the dates today, then I must be safe and she feels she doesn’t need to get to know me.” The pessimist would say, “Oh sh**, I’m screwed. She doesn’t want to spend any time with me.” I think you should probably be a pessimist if you get left out of these dates, and I haven’t done the research, but I’m guessing there hasn’t been a single guy that got to at least the final four who got left out of one of the early dates. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. I’m sure some “Bachelor/ette” historian will look that up for me.
-On the group date is Michael, Brian, Sasha, Tanner the foot freak, Wes, Ed, Mathue, and Brad. It started out as an innocent little pool party where 7 of the 8 guys flexed their abs as Brad wore a collared shirt. Very nice. You didn’t really stick out like a sore thumb at all. Michael decided to pull Jillian aside and take her upstairs first to fawn all over her. Told her she smelled unbelievable, and was about to reel off a few more compliments before Jillian got up, walked downstairs, grabbed the rose up for grabs, and took off in a car. Ooooohhhh scandalous! What happens now? Where did our Bachelorette go? Host Chris knows and he’s here to save the day in his striped hoodie sweatshirt from the GAP. “Guys, Jillian has got the rose and you need to go find her. Your clues are waiting out front. Go!” Basically, the guys got paired up in two’s, got in a car, and had to follow directions on where to find her. All a big lame scavenger hunt. And even though they are paired in twos, once they finally reach Jillian, she’ll make a determination based on, well nothing, to see who gets to have dinner with her with the other seven guys have a circle jerk.
-I think we’ll all agree, the best part about the scavenger hunt was the duo of Tanner and Michael, or as I like to call them, Heath and Jake. My god, could those two have been any more excited to be paired together? I was half expecting them to forget the scavenger hunt, veer off into the Hollywood Hills together, rent some horses, and make passionate love all night long in a tent. They definitely lost some man points during that car trip. The screaming, Michael peeing on himself due to the excitement. What an odd duo. I can’t believe they were that excited to be in a car together to look for Jillian. I wonder how much studying of Michael’s feet that Tanner did. Did they not show us the foot massage he gave him? Did he give Michael a pedicure? What’s their relationship status now? Has anyone checked their Facebook pages? Maybe they’ve formed a bond far beyond what this show let us believe and they are currently feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries curled up on the couch in the spooning position. I hope they both get eliminated on the same night because one of them will be pissed the other isn’t around.
-Jillian is already at her destination waiting to see which two guys show up first to meet her. She is giddy with excitement. “I can’t believe eight guys are frantically racing around Los Angeles looking for me.” Ummmm, Jillian, it’s because that’s what they were told to do. Once again, yet another “Bachelor/ette” who thinks that because ABC plans the dates in advance and tells them where they’ll be going and what they’ll be doing, that they fall into this sense of entitlement. Let me tell ya’ something Canuck, if you weren’t on a show where the whole object is for guys to compete for your affection, then you wouldn’t be in LA right now on a group date where guys are on a scavenger hunt to find you. I’m pretty sure of that. I mean, you’re a nice girl and all. And you’re cute in your own little quirky way, but I’m immensely bored with what you have to offer right now, and if half these guys weren’t recruited to be on this show or using it to further their career, they wouldn’t even be there. But I like how you’re already sucked in to the whole thing and think 30 guys REALLY want you. Cool. You keep thinkin’ that. Keeps me laughing.
-So the dynamic duo of Wes and Brad are the ones who arrive to meet Jillian first and I’m really scratching my head to see who she’ll decide to have dinner with. Such a tough pick. Shocker, she goes with Wes. And basically doesn’t even give Brad a reason why. Brad, here’s the reason: The producers told her to. Get used to it. Wes is the country music singer on the show to promote his album, and his hair constantly looks like he just got out of bed. Jillian sees Wes as kinda the bad boy, something she admits to usually being attracted to. So her question is, “Am I his type?” Probably not. But hey, if he peddles a few extra CD sales out of it, you can be his type for the time being. Wes admits to having three serious girlfriends his whole life and is definitely a relationship guy. Jillian questions that since his lifestyle is basically set up to where he has a bunch of women fawning all over him being a musician and all. Of course, Wes says “No, no, no, that’s not me at all.” Then again, would he actually admit to groupie sex? I highly doubt it. Wes is the front runner right now as he gets the first kiss with Jillian. She doesn’t hide the fact she’s attracted to him and he doesn’t hide the fact that he wants to finish that song he started last week for her. Because, you know, maybe some radio executives are watching and want to sign him to their label.
-The lucky chap for the 1-on-1 date is Jake, the pilot from Denton, Texas. Jillian comes over in a black dress wearing the wings that Jake gave her the first night. She also has on red f-me boots. So her and Jake are headed to the “House of Blues” for the night. But first, he must dress the part for the evening, which means, he must now become a total redneck. Being from Denton, that won’t be much of a problem for him. But instead of dressing like every other guy in the house would, he needs to try on a cowboy shirt with embroidery in it, wear some tight Wranglers, and look the part. Jillian of course enjoys every minute of watching him go in and out of the dressing room, and I’m not convinced isn’t secretly having him dress this way for that reason. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Jake is loving every second of this too, but she seems to really be taking a liking to this. Silly kids. Why doesn’t she just chase him around the schoolyard then tell him she doesn’t like him?
-Once they get to “House of Blues”, we find out that Jake apparently has never watched this show before. Why? Because he was “shocked that we had the entire venue to ourselves. I thought there’d be a line with like 800 people for us to get in.” Don’t they give these guys a refresher course of what they’re getting into before coming on this show? Maybe give them some past DVD’s to freshen up on what their experience will be like once they agree to sign their life over to ABC? Really Jake? You’re really surprised that the whole place is rented out for you when they’ve basically done this, oh I don’t know, for about the last 16 seasons? You see, that’s what they do on this show, Jake. They put you in complete unrealistic dates that would never happen in real life, then when both people get so caught up in the fantasy land they’re in and try to convince themselves they’re actually falling for each other when in reality they’re falling for the experience, they rip the rug out from under you and put you back in the real world and you realize, “Hey, maybe so-and-so isn’t that romantic when the dates aren’t already planned out and paid for?” Oh, this show will getcha’ every time, Jake. Go ahead. Keep gushing over Jillian and how this is the best date you’ve been on. Of course it is. Something tells me your dates in Denton haven’t been where you could rent out a place to yourself and have someone perform solo for you.
-Of course, that’s not stopping these two from convincing themselves that each of them are the one for each other. Especially Jillian. “There’s definitely a spark here, which could turn into a flame, which could turn into love, and that could turn into marriage.” Yikes. Jillian is really putting the cart before the horse here. If that wasn’t bad enough, check out what she has next in store for us. “I know exactly that Jake could take care of me, and that’s what I’m looking for.” Hmmmmm, you’ve spent a whole couple hours with this guy so far and you already know that this is someone you could be with the rest of your life? Uh huh. This is gonna work out well. At least hold off on saying stuff like that until, you know, like a hometown date or something. You have no idea what this guys life is like. You may not even like Denton. Or who knows? Maybe he’s got a girlfriend back home and you realize this just in time for the hometown dates and he never gets one? Crazier things have happened on this show.
-So these two sit down to have dinner and start talking about the future. Jake tells asks her the really important stuff like, “What do you want out of all this?” Jillian responds, “To find my best friend.” To which Jake said, “I was hoping she’d say that. That’s exactly what I’m looking for.” Well aren’t you two a couple of peas in a pod? Why don’t we just cancel the show at this point and start the engagement party? They are giving these two an awful lot of lovey dovey camera time for us not to see something going horribly wrong in their future. Jake the pilot even puts in her head that, if she so happened to pick him, imagine having a date where he sends for a car to pick her up at work on Friday, bring her to the airport, and he takes her away for the weekend to another country. Wow. Pretty ambitious. And I’m guessing will never happen either. Promises, promises. Just admit it, Jake. You’re playing it up for the cameras now. Your dates will consist of dinner at the Black Eyed Pea, then to some dive bar in Denton to check out the local band playing that night. Of course, Jillian thinks that’s the most amazing date yet, and since they’re both such spontaneous people, that would totally fit her lifestyle. Hmmmmm, this isn’t going to end well for Jake.
-And oh yeah, Martina McBride performed live for both of them. They danced, they kissed, they danced some more, they laughed, they flirted, and they kissed. Pretty much how every 1-on-1 date that’s been at a concert rented out for the two contestants has gone. Jake shows us again his lack of “Bachelorette” knowledge when he realizes the concert is just being performed for the two of them. You know, for a pilot, he sure is a dumbass. I hope he’s not flying me out of DFW Thursday morning. If he is, I’m sure I’ll be all up in the cockpit asking him questions about Jillian and why it didn’t work out. You know what’s funny? Back in the day when I was a kid and the “Airplane” movies were a couple of my all time favorites, I actually thought the cockpit of an airplane was actually that big. A lot of room to maneuver, you could stand up and walk around, and that even someone like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar could be the co-pilot. That was all shot to hell the first time I flew and actually saw the inside of a cockpit. Holy crap. Ever looked in there? How the hell do they even breathe, let alone stand up in there? Seems awfully cramped space to be in for my 3 hour flight to California. I feel bad for Mr. Pilot. Is there really such thing as an auto pilot? How the hell does a pilot know where he’s going when he’s in the air and there aren’t any off ramps? What even makes a plane fly? I could go on for hours questioning air travel. I’ve always been fascinated by it.
-The next group date was one of my all-time favorites. Seven guys (Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kiptyn, and Juan) will be headed to Venice Beach to play some basketball with Jillian. It’s always interesting to see which guys actually have an athletic bone in their body and which ones end up being complete tards the minute the game starts. Immediately, Juan makes the first impression on me. Not because of his basketball skills or anything. But because he decided to wear his dove shorts to play in. What the hell was that? Your basketball shorts shouldn’t be 12 inches above your knee buddy. David was the guy who thought he was an All-American and you could tell was showing off. I’m not sure how much game he had, but he did look better than the rest of the clowns out there. Although, that’s like winning first place in the best looking pig contest. Of course, Jillian can’t play a lick so the guys all try and help her out. One of the guys is even dumb enough to yell out, “Double team her!” Whoa. That’s not til later in the season, buddy. You really think you should be looking to get a threesome before the second rose ceremony? That’s a bit of wishful thinking, no?
-So after all that dilly dallying around, Jillian says its time for them to play a real game. She’ll be right back, she’s gotta go get her team. She walks off and comes back with five black guys. My first thought? “Who says this show isn’t racially diverse?” There you go. Five large, hulking black men all vying for Jillian’s attention. Woops. No, they didn’t add yet another 5 guys to the show. It’s the Harlem Globetrotters! Fantastic! Now this will get interesting since nothing gets the party started more than a bunch of guys doing tricks with the basketball. How about the ol’ bucket of confetti trick? Hilarious. Knee slappers I tell ya’. If you’re over the age of five, and you find the Harlem Globetrotters entertaining, then you’ve got a problem. But after thinking this over, it all made perfect sense. I asked myself why in the world ABC would decide to put these guys on the show, until it finally hit me. The Harlem Globetrotters games are all fixed and scripted, just like this show. See, I knew there was a good reason for their appearance. Never thought they’d have so much in common.
-So once the Globetrotters showed up, David definitely had to show off even more and bring his “A” game. Of course, that consisted of him airballing his first shot by about five feet. Nice one. Our first hilarious laugh from the Globetrotters? Pick Jillian up to have her dunk then leave her up on the rim until Juan comes underneath her, mini-shorts and all, and helps her down. Awwwww, how cute. Too bad it’s the only girl-on-girl action we’ll get all season. If that didn’t endear Juan to other guys in the house, his act later certainly will. Time to head down to the beach to take a look at the sunset. One of the guys we’ve barely heard from this season, Mike, decides he needs to make himself stand out. And by that I mean, the producers told him, “Hey, do something to make yourself stand out.” And Mike, figuring there may be a final four spot waiting in the wings for him if he agrees, decides to bum a speedo off some guy at the beach, and run into the water. Jillian is totally impressed by this. She apparently thinks this is the funniest thing anyone has ever done. So Mike sporting a banana hammock and running into the ocean pretty much endears himself to Jillian. She now knows exactly who Mike is and wants to know a little bit more about him and his speedo. Or what’s underneath it.
-All the guys get dressed up and head to the Viceroy hotel for drinks and alone time with Jillian. To start off the night, everyone takes a shot. Well, except for Juan. David notices Juan had poured out his shot, then used his hand to cover up the glass while taking it to pretend to fit in with the rest of these guys. That didn’t sit too well with David, especially when right afterwards, Jillian pulled Juan aside for some alone time. David is roid raging right now. David: “There’s no reason we shouldn’t tie him up to a tree and beat the f**k out of him.” Wow. Really? Granted, what he did was a pretty chick thing to do, but now you want to pummel the guy? David is a very angry individual. Remember last week when they said in the upcoming previews for the season that something happens this season which has never happened before? I know what it is. David kills another person. And it’s probably Juan. Whatever the case, while he’s still alive, Juan gets some 1-on-1 time with Jillian so he can tell her how green her eyes looked earlier when the sun was setting. Wow. He’s really laying it on thick now. Maybe David’s right. Someone should beat the f**k out of this chick. Whatever the case, Jillian likes him enough to kiss him.
-Next, Jillian pulls Kiptyn aside for some alone time. He procees to tell her he’s never had his heartbroken in his life. He’s always been the heartbreaker. Like Jillian cares. The only reason she pulled him aside was so that she could kiss him. I got your heartbreaker right here. Gimmie those lips you manly man, you. For the record, we’ve seen Jillian alone with four guys now (Wes, Jake, Juan, and Kiptyn), and she’s made out with all of them. Granted, I’m sure she’s had alone time with other guys as well that we weren’t shown, but from what they’ve decided to show us, she’s 4-for-4 in presenting her tongue to another guys mouth. Jillian: “I hope you stick around for a while.” Huh? Isn’t that your decision? I didn’t realize he was the one who presenting roses. Jillian is apparently confused about this whole process now. No, you see Jillian, you’re the one who decides if Kiptyn sticks around for a while. Well, you and the producers.
-At the end of their long day, Jillian decides that Mike will get the rose and be safe at the rose ceremony. This pleases David for the sole reason that the guy he has a hard-on for, Juan, didn’t get the rose. And Mike got it because, well, he did nothing other than jump into the ocean in a speedo. That Jillian seems pretty damn easy to please. According to her, when Mike jumped into the ocean in the banana hammock, “That was wicked.” Whatever you say, Jill. Wicked? Haven’t said that since 8th grade. Must be a Canadian thing, eh? Just waiting for the moment she calls someone a hoser. Then that’ll put the finishing touches on our worst “Bachelorette” season yet. So far, her and Meredith are in a dead heat to finish first in that category.
-Time for the final cocktail hour where desperation runs wild, and David begins stalking his prey, the chick that is Juanita. First up, Tanner needs to tell us more about his foot fetish. He shares some alone time with one of the other dudes, and gets Jillians feet all to himself. I wonder if they paid him extra to do this? So of course he tells her how great her feet are and she asks which guy in the house has the worst. “Sasha. They’re hairy.” Outstanding. What about your lover Michael’s feet? Whose are better? I bet if pressed for an answer on that one, Tanner might not be able to be completely honest with her. Things are real for he and Michael right now. Things are getting more serious by the day. He certainly doesn’t need Jillian in the picture to complicate matters. Let’s just hope Jillian puts both of these two out of their misery sooner rather than later. You wouldn’t want to break up such a solid foundation between those two.
-Time for Jesse (who?) to get some alone time. I don’t think I’ve even seen this guy all show, but apparently Jillian has been dying to get to know him. Whatever. I think she’s gotta say that at this point to not make the guy feel bad. Jesse tells her that before coming on the show, he was given an opportunity to go live in Italy for a few months and do some business involving wine. Hell if I know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, the thing that caught my attention was him telling her he had a choice of either living in Italy, or coming on the “Bachelorette”. And naturally, he chose coming on the “Bachelorette” like any normal, sane individual would. So it’s official, Jesse is an idiot. Did this guy really turn down a business opportunity overseas just because he heard Jillian was the “Bachelorette”? He’s kidding, right? This is just one of those moments where he has little time to impress so he’ll just throw that out there in hopes that she’ll actually believe him? Wow Jesse. Quite a sacrifice you made. Kind of on par with Lauren Conrad deciding to pass up an internship in Paris so she could spend the summer with the racist homophobe Jason Wahler. Except your decision is worse. I’m sure you’ll feel that much better about it too when you don’t even get a hometown date.
-Wes is still making noise in the house because even though he has a rose (oh yeah, forgot to mention he and Jake both received roses on their dates so they’re safe for the night. Shocker), he still wants some alone time, and some of the guys aren’t too happy about it. Hey, isn’t that what Jeremy did with DeAnna which in turn made Ron call him classless? Can’t remember. Whatever the case, I guess Wes is this seasons Jeremy. Which is ironic considering Wes and Jeremy grew up together. One of the guys whose game Wes is stepping on is Robby the bartender. He’s mixing up one of his classic “Rozmos” to bring to Jillian. And just as he’s about to spill his guts to her, Wes walks in and steals her away for some alone time. You don’t do that to the Robster. He is none too happy with Wes right now. This means war for Robby. Immediately he starts in with the “Wes isn’t here for the right reasons” complaint. Something tells me this will be a recurring theme throughout the season. Bed Head Wes will have to do an awful lot of convincing that he’s not there to pass out free CD’s and get some serious camera time.
-Host Chris comes out to tell us that, no, it’s not time for Jillian to make her decision, but that all the guys will be voting on which guy they’d like to see go home. David’s eyes bug out of his head even more than they already do. I’m surprised he even wrote down who he wanted to leave. I figured he’d just scream it at the top of his lungs. The funniest part about Host Chris announcing this to the guys? While he’s doing it, there’s a shot of Tanner and Michael on the couch and Tanner has his arm around him. You think our next “Bachelor” wedding will be Jason and Molly? Try again. It’s these two. Jillians quest for love is becoming less and less interesting and is completely taking a backseat to the bromance going on between Tanner and Michael. I really hope these two make it. In fact, I hope you don’t mind me covering their relationship the rest of the season. Or at least until they’re eliminated.
-So all the guys vote, and Host Chris informs us that Juan has received the most votes. Of course, Host Chris needs to show us how fluent he is in Spanish by pronouncing it “Who-ahn”. Thank you, Chris. Thank you for bringing me back to sophomore year high school Spanish class. How many stories in high school Spanish revolved around a kid named Juan? All of them? I didn’t even know there was another Spanish name until I graduated. Juan liked the library. Juan has two sisters. Juan goes to the airport. Juan sure played a key role in my high school Spanish knowledge. All of which I’ve forgotten now. So with Who-ahn getting the most votes, Jillian has the option to save him, or let him leave the mansion now in shame. So to piss David off and ensure there will be a murder this season on “Bachelorette”, Jillian decides to use her judges save on Matt Giraud, AKA Juan. To this, David dropped a few f-bombs to the camera. David seems like a real stable guy who keeps his emotions in check. I see big things in his future. Like a 300 lb cell mate.
-I must obviously talk about Brian the d-bag who decided that he needed to do SOMETHING to grab Jillians attention. So he decided to strip for her, to complete nudity, then jump in the pool. I don’t know what says, “Hey, look at me and my small dingus” more than that, but Brian accomplished it. The one dude from DeAnna’s season, Paul, did that on the first night but at least he went with the speedo. Really? Stripping down completely naked in front of someone you’ve known for three days is supposed to impress her? Something tells me after Brian returns home to the world on internet dating, his profile pic is of him shirtless. And he’s probably one of the weirdos that sends pictures of his junk after a chick responds to him. Brian, just be thankful that “To Catch a Predator” has been taken off the air. Something tells me you would’ve made quite a showing for yourself on that someday.
-Rose ceremony time. Jillian has lots to say. “I had an incredible week. These were amazing dates. Glad you all opened up. I’m incredibly lucky. You’re incredibly good looking. I’m the one Bachelorette who’s been blessed with the best bunch of smart, charismatic guys. And just because I haven’t said this word enough, you’re all incredibly incredible. Kudos to the casting department for recruiting all of you.”
–Wes, Jake, Mike, and Juanita are safe from earlier. The others getting roses are:
Jesse: Italy awaits you, pal.
David: A trial awaits you.
Ed: In case you haven’t noticed, Ed looks exactly like a cross between Robert Downey Jr and Jeremy Piven.
Sasha: You have ugly feet, my friend. Tanner will always hate you.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is, which means he’s gotten no camera time, which means he’s going home soon.
Michael: Like he cares he got a rose.
Tanner the foot freak: Now Michael is happy. How cute that Jillian called their names back-to-back.
Kiptyn: The heart breaker is going to be around for a while now.
Reid: We haven’t seen much of him. But we will.
Robby: Apparently that Rozmo worked. He must’ve laced it with GHB.
Tanner F.: Another guy we have barely seen any of.
“Gentleman, Jillian, it’s the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. David is about ready to spear Juanita from across the room, so you better make this quick.”
Brad: So he loses out on the solo date to Wes, but somehow managed to get a rose out of it.
-So Julien, Mathue, Simon, and Brian didn’t get roses. We didn’t know much about any of them, so it wasn’t really sad to see them go. Well, except Brian, who blamed the weather on the fact that he was “hung like a lightswitch, so that probably didn’t help matters.” Thank you Brian for that visual. Now go comb the high schools for your next victim you creep. I would hope that Mathue would use this experience to see that his name is spelled incorrectly and he needs to fix it. As for Simon, he was the Agnese of this season. The European contestant who completely didn’t fit in. Except Agnese got to the final four, and Simon is going home in Week 2. That’s ok. Gives him more time to hang out in pubs, sing songs, and star fights while watching Liverpool play soccer.
That’s it for this week. I’ll see you Thursday for your next “Reality Roundup”. All your feedback is welcome either in the comments section or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t forget to join me on Twitter at “RealitySteve” (check out yesterday’s brilliance on the Spelling Bee), you can join the “I Love Reality Steve” Facebook group, or, you can just add me as a friend on Facebook. You can do it all by scrolling down the right hand column. See you Thursday.