I’m making this short because I promised you a column, but I procrastinated and waited til the last minute, and now I have a flight in 8 hours and I haven’t packed yet. I was gonna spend a majority of this column on “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, but with what seems like a new story breaking every day, I want to have more time to devote to it since it’s getting completely out of hand and I want to address every single story/rumor out there. In short, I’ll say these two are money whores and I can’t believe some of the sh** that comes out of their mouth. And yes, I still haven’t seen an episode yet. Haven’t watched Monday’s premiere still. I’ll do it when I get back. With that said, TLC is giddy that Monday’s premiere drew 9.6 million viewers, double the amount they’ve had on any other episode in show history. Gee, didn’t think it had to do with all this media attention, do you? Nahhhhhhh. Let’s get to it.
-Once again, this show never seems to disappoint in how incredibly fake it is. You can pick out a number of scripted moments from this weeks show, but most notably, was Heidi showing up at Lauren’s work inviting her to the wedding. Couldn’t have been a more forced conversation if they tried. Don’t believe me? Here’s what Lauren had to say when asked about how they brought them together for this weeks episode:
“What they didn’t get is that I didn’t want to fight with her anymore. It’s hard to look at somebody who used to be your best friend and say, ‘We can’t be friends. Too much has happened.’ I’m trying to move on, but they won’t let me. And when someone keeps pushing you into the same position well, you get upset.”
Good stuff. Nice to see Lauren going out the way she wanted to go out. You won’t be missed Lauren considering you have the most boring life of any of the characters on that show.
-Pretty funny how in the previews for next weeks finale, we see Kristin Cavallari showing up late to the wedding and Lauren acting all surprised and bothered she’s there? Huh? Lauren, didn’t you read your script that morning? Quit pretending you didn’t know she was gonna be in the finale so they can make the smooth transition for her to be in next season. Didn’t you ask for one of the season 5 scripts where they have her and Justin Bobby hitting it off? Kristin has all but admitted, she’s single, and she came back to the show because they know she’ll have no problem causing trouble, dating a bunch of different guys, and speaking her mind. Essentially, everything they’re telling her to do to create drama. How much you wanna bet Lauren makes an appearance at some point next season? I mean, are we really gonna have a storyline involving Lo if Lauren isn’t involved? I didn’t think that was possible.
-As for Spencers apology to Lauren, I found that hilarious. Didn’t this guy swear up and down on his grave when this whole Lauren sex tape story broke that he and Heidi had nothing to do with it? Now he basically just brushes over it in one sentence in his conversation? Isn’t that kind of a big deal? This guy told every tabloid mag, every radio DJ, and anyone who would listen he had nothing to do with the rumor. He would blame Brody, he would blame Jason Wahler, hell, I think he blamed me at some point. But this guy constantly would tell all his haters to shut up, it wasn’t him. He would never even bother to stoop to that level, yet, this week we get a full admission of it like it was no big deal. Very bizarre. Way to handle that one, Spence. And if that’s really the case and he’s not just doing that for the cameras, how does that make Heidi look who constantly stood by him saying he never did that. If Lauren and Heidi’s biggest problem is Spencer, and Lauren has hated Heidi for two seasons now for this very incident of him spreading rumors about a sex tape, and now he admits to it, what the hell would Heidi still be doing with the guy? Oh wait, I forgot. They’re paid to be together. Oops.
“RW/RR Challenge: Duel 2”
-I haven’t watched last nights episode yet, so I can’t comment on it, but I am thoroughly enjoying seeing a rookie do so well in one of these things. I love how all the veterans with no lives outside of these challenges, all have some sort of rookie hazing period with people who have only done one or two challenges as opposed to the 15 that they’ve done because they can’t get a real job in the workplace or in Hollywood. Yet there’s Brittany and Landon killing it in every challenge and beating everyone’s ass. You notice how Landon likes a little cream in his coffee? If I remember correctly, during his season in Philadelphia, he was always attracted to non-white women. Perfectly fine. Whatever floats your boat Landon. He just comes across as so cornfed, white, Wisconsin boy, it’s surprising he likes anything that doesn’t have blonde hair and big boobs.
-Have we been told exactly who wins this thing and how? I don’t think I saw the first season of the “Duel”, so I’m clueless. Is it one girl and one guy? Are they teams at the end? Or is it just one person takes home all the prize money? Seems to me it must be one guy and one girl since Brad and what’s-her-face keep talking about how they’re in this together and how important winning this money would be. Of course it would. Certainly going back and being no-names in your hometowns isn’t good enough anymore, you need to stock up on all the Bose speakers and Kicker 2’s that you can. Strike while the iron is hot my friends. Which will probably be for a while, since like I said last week, they could do this show until the year 3000 and it’d never get old.
-So MTV decided to release a trailer plus a press release about the next season of the “Real World”, which takes place in Cancun, and airs towards the end of June. How appropriate. Unbelievable it took them 19 season to get down there. Courtesy of RealityBlurred.com, here is a summary of the new cast:
Ayiiia, who’s 21 and was selected by viewers at realworldcasting.com. She has “a viciousness that alienates the other roommates” and “is a reformed party girl with a history of drug abuse and cutting.” MTV’s casting people are at it again. “History of drug abuse and cutting? Well come on down to Cancun! We’d love to have you as part of our loving family!” Any chick with three I’s in her name is definitely gotta be a little off kilter. I think Ayiiia should drop a vowel and become a recluse. Will definitely pick a fight, or ten, with a roommate this season and it won’t be pretty.
Bronne, who’s 21 and “is the resident comic,” MTV says, and he’s so crazy that he will “often get naked to just break up fights, or maybe just to show off the physique he gained while on the Penn State varsity boxing team.” He also has “impulsive behavior” and is “the first roommate to make out with a woman old enough to be his mother’s older sister.” So he’s Tek from the “RW: Hawaii”? And the guy likes hooking up with GILFS. Outstanding. Should be another winner.
CJ, “an NFL free agent punter” who “would be a devout Christian if it weren’t for his sexual drive” and “takes pride in his hot body,” and apparently gets mocked for his metrosexuality. That might be my favorite line in the whole press release. “would be a devout Christian if it weren’t for his sex drive”. Kinda like saying would be an Abercrombie and Fitch model if not for his love of food. I really hope this guy doesn’t try to throw around his NFL status to get laid. Dude, you’re a punter. You practice off to the side with the placekicker stretching each others hamstrings while the rest of the real players have to deal with two-a-days. Calling yourself a football player would be like calling Mischa Barton an actress. It’s marginal at best.
Derek is 21 and “the resident nice guy,” in addition to being the resident gay guy. MTV says “all the roommates love him” even though he is “not afraid to be brutally honest about anything and everything.” He’s a super overachiever, the “president of the student council, captain of the basketball and track teams, and valedictorian of his graduating class,” and “[has] ex-boyfriend baggage that seems to follow him around, even to Cancun.” A gay guy is the captain of the basketball team? That’s a new one. All the others are understandable, but that one is a bit of a surprise. And what “Real World” season wouldn’t be complete with ex-boyfriend baggage? Isn’t that a requirement every season now? Either that or transsexualism. Derek shouldn’t worry about dealing with the ex when he’ll have a whole new slate of fresh hogs to go after in Cancun.
Emilee is a 21-year-old “sensitive girl who can let her emotions get the best of her, but as the daughter of therapists, she is also on of the few people in the house who is looking to learn and grow and change as a result of every new situation,” MTV says. She’ll be the resident Paula Walnuts this season. She’ll either end up learning the most out of this situation, or she’ll be straight jacketed at some point. It’s up to you Emilee. The ball is in your court.
Jasmine, 22, is five feet tall and weighs 95 pounds, and has “the absolute worst taste in men and always chooses unreliable players who treat her like dirt,” MTV says. She’s also a “former competitive cheerleader [who] thrives to be the center of attention, especially if other women are around.” 5 feet 95 lbs? So she’s a spinner? Hmmmm, so she’s Jenn from RW: Denver? So that means she plays for both teams. Outstanding. I think the city of Denver is still recovering from all the diseases Jenn passed around. Lets see if Jasmine can top her down in Cancun. We’re all pullin’ for ya’, Jasmine. If not, with a name like that, the pole is definitely in your future.
Joey, 22, “is the tall, skinny, tattooed rocker with the bad boy charm” and is “relentless in his pursuit of the women in Cancun and hopes to be the first roommate to hook-up.” He’s also “had more than a few bouts with excessive drinking, which will eventually become a problem in Cancun.” He plays guitar in a band called Late Nite Wars “and claims to have actually seen a UFO.” So how many seconds into this season will Joey and Jasmine be giving each other STD’s? First scene? Second scene? Once everyone has called dibs on their room? Think MTV had a hard time casting Joey? An excessive drinker, yet, lets bring him down to live in Cancun for 4 months. Awesome. How about next season you go with “RW: South Central” and cast a recovering heroin and crack addict? I’m sure that’ll help them rehabilitate themselves. Joey will punch someone, or something, this season. I know. Really going out on a limb there.
Jonna, 20, is multi-racial and has a boyfriend to whom she “swears from day one that she’ll remain true,” according to MTV. She “is trying to stay focused and shake her promiscuous past, but she canâ€™t help flirting, which turns on the guys in the house and pisses off the girls.” Oooohhhh, this means chick fighting this season. Jonna and Jasmine are gonna be at each others throats battling for Joey’s dong. And lets all place bets right now on the odds that Jonna stays faithful to her boyfriend. When she’s on the “Real World”. And it’s in Cancun. Jonna, you might as well just give up the ass the second you walk into the house since there ain’t a chance in hell you’re staying faithful. Especially when you’re a giant flirt. There’s names for women like you. One being a c**ktease. Have fun with that.
-I hope all of you saw that the “Bachelorette’s” ratings are a joke. The premiere episode got 9 million viewers. Not bad. Decent also considering it was going up against the DWTS finale and “24” finale. This week, going up against nothing really important including a lot of repeats? 6 million. The consensus is this season is boring. Which it is. Look, Jillians a nice girl, she’s a cute girl, but she has ZERO star quality about her and just isn’t made out for this show. This show needed Melissa as the “Bachelorette”. After what happened to her, waaaaay more people would’ve been interested in watching her season. When she turned it down, they were screwed, and now they’re suffering the consequences. 6 million people already in Week 2? Jason’s ATFR show which aired right after the finale drew close to 18 million. That shows you how little people care about Jillian and her sixteen douchenozzles left. Wow.
I will see you all Tuesday when the next “Bachelorette” column returns and the launch of the merchandise store is official. Can’t wait to see family and friends this weekend, looking forward to the Peter Parker/Spiderman transition, and can’t wait to turn 34. Yeah right. Any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, stories, queries, email me at email@example.com. See you Tuesday.