The Bachelorette 5 Recap – 6/1/09

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-Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes to me on Facebook. I really appreciate it. Had a great weekend in California. Not only did Spiderman sling his web for a couple days, the Hurricane also apparently got released. It’s still being debated at this time what level of Hurricane this was, but for the record, it didn’t destroy anything. Someday maybe I’ll explain what the hell I’m talking about. Took my niece to see “Up” on Sunday afternoon. I have a question: Why aren’t all animated movies in 3-D? They all make a bazillion dollars anyway, so its not like the extra cost would kill them. Just makes the movie look better. And it’s not like “Up” had a bunch of stuff flying into your face the whole time either. Animated movies just look better in 3-D. I wonder if this will start a trend. Just wasn’t too jazzed about sitting in the third row. Yuck. Not like my niece cared. She downed popcorn and a slurpee like it was her last meal. I think she liked the movie even though she fell asleep in the last ten minutes. She is now 5-for-5 in falling asleep at movies Uncle Stephen takes her to.

-In case you missed my note in Thursday’s “Reality Roundup” column, I mentioned that the “Bachelorette’s” ratings were in the toilet last week. Had 9 million the first week and only 6 million last week. Granted, I did forget to mention that you gotta take into account last Monday was a holiday. Regardless, ABC can’t be too pleased that only two weeks in, and they lost a third of their audience from the premiere, which was obviously helped along by a “DWTS” finale lead-in. I think it’s safe to say that Jillian has ZERO star quality whatsoever. Nice girl, cute, and seems normal, but there’s just no “wow” factor surrounding her at all. I just don’t think many people care about her. Probably cuz’ she’s Canadian and likes her milk to come in a bag instead of carton. Or her money has the face of someone from another country on it. That’s impressive. She’s not even your queen yet she’s on your money? How’s that work? I think America should put Kim Jong-Il on the $20 bill now so we can be more like Canada. On to the good stuff.

-Host Chris looking quite dapper yet again in his shirt from Nordstroms says that there will be three dates this week: two 1-on-1 dates, and a group date. And once again, a rose is up for grabs on each date. I can’t remember which season they started that whole routine but it’s not even interesting anymore. We know that certain guys are chosen specifically for certain dates to either keep around (so we can establish a connection earlier with the bachelor/ette), or eliminate to weed out the people with no chance. Whatever the case, Ed gets the first 1-on-1 date and Jillian picks him up in a helicopter, which has become an institution on this show. Outside of the dude on the new “90210″ who took Annie to San Francisco on their first date, there isn’t a chance in hell anyone reading this column has ever been on, or taken anyone on, a helicopter ride for a first date. So immediately, the gushing begins by both of them how exciting helicopter rides are. Jillian: “The last helicopter ride I was on was with Jason.” How’d that turn out for ya’? Good times? Develop any sorta connection? What’s he up to these days? Oh yeah, that’s right. Falling off the face of the earth without a rope.

-Jillian informs us she likes her new company. Jillian: “Today I’m gonna be with big, strong, bulky, hunky Ed.” Is she looking at the same person we are? Later on when they jumped in the pool he looked more short and dumpy than anything. Some people emailed me last week saying Ed reminded them of Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a way after I had said he’s a cross between Jeremy Piven and Robert Downey Jr. Well, considering Jeffery Dean Morgan looks like a cross between those two as well, let’s just say Ed is now a combination of all three: Ed Dean Piven Jr. Same difference. It’s all the same guy. Except while this Ed is trying to win over some quirky midget Canadian, Jeffrey Dean Morgan gets to bang Katherine Heigl sort of. I haven’t seen an episode of “Grey’s” since season 1, but I hear about what goes on. His ghost? Really? And that’s what chicks are into? Well, that and vampires apparently. If I see/hear/read about anything else related to “Twilight”, “New Moon”, or “Robert Pattinson’s ghostly white features”, it won’t be soon enough. No, I haven’t read a word of any of the books or seen the movie and I plan on keeping it that way. There are just some things in this world that will forever go unexplained. Freddie Prinze Jr. being cast on “24″ next season when his last meaningful acting gig had him an ascot and driving the “Mystery Machine”, and America’s obsession with vampires all the sudden.

-I thought the repelling down an LA building on the first date was actually pretty cool. But once I saw that they were repelling down at a speed equivalent to how long it takes me to drive from here to the moon, the date really lost its luster. Geez, could they have gone any slower? I understand neither of them are trained stuntmen, but that was a joke. I wonder if all those people helping them get roped in before they went down were all the script writers for the show? Which one was the guy who came up with last seasons brilliant idea of having Jason pretend he changed his mind? Congrats to him. He did well, as almost 18 million that watched the finale will prove. However, unless someone can pull something out of their ass this season, I don’t think we’re headed for much of a finale with fireworks. Host Chris did tweet yesterday that “Jillian is the happiest she’s been in a long time.” Yeah, probably because the season is finally done filming and she realizes what a bore the whole thing was. If it wasn’t for David the serial killer, I don’t know what we’d be talking about this season.

-After repelling down at the speed of not light, they ended up jumping into a pool and hanging out. Ed first wanted to tell her how special he felt. Ed: “I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” Wow. How kinky. You are quite the wordsmith, Eddie Dean Piven Jr. Such a romantic the way you compared repelling down the side of building with the first time some Canuck forced himself on top of her in their igloo. Wait, she’s from Alberta, so what do we call those people besides rednecks? A lot of people email me and ask, “Why don’t they ever show them talking about important issues, like politics or religion? These conversations are so lame.” That’s true. They are. And they don’t ever show them talking about stuff like that because, frankly, I don’t think people want to hear that. I know I’d be bored by it. And considering this season is already boring as it is, I really could not care less what Jillian’s political views are or where she worships. I’m sure once she narrows it down she actually talks to the guys about it, but, they just choose not to air it, and rightfully so. Probably the only smart thing they do on this show.

-Jillian and Ed’s conversation in the pool? Jillian: “So after a crazy day at work, what do you do to unwind?” Ed’s answer was he’s really having a hard time balancing out his work life with his personal life. Translation: Ed doesn’t get out much and probably masturbates at an alarming rate to the point where he might be going blind. Hell, I don’t know. If he couldn’t answer that question, then their relationship is already in trouble. Here Ed, I’ll tell you what I do to unwind after a crazy day at work, then you can just use my answer free of charge. Oh wait, I don’t have crazy days at work since I work from home. Well, here’s what I do anyway. Sleep, eat, watch crappy reality shows, walk Maddie, and then eat a bowl of cereal before bed. See. Simple. To the point. I don’t think you need to come up with some grand answer that you expect to blow her socks off with. What do most people do after a crazy day of work? They come home and relax. What’d you expect him to say? Stupid question.

-Ed: “I didn’t know much about Jillian coming into this.” Probably a good thing, buddy. Don’t think you’re missing out on too much. I mean, we don’t even know much about her other than she’s Canadian, works in interior design, and probably owns a dogsled and eats whale blubber. Probably like hockey too since I think it’s the law you’re a hockey fan if you live in Canada. By the way, nice performance in the last Olympics. Oh Canada. How we love our neighbors to the north. So since he knew nothing about her coming in to this, Jillian puts him on the spot and tells him to ask her anything that he wants. Ed being such a creative mind, and remember, not knowing anything about her, decides to ask if he’s getting a rose tonight. Genius really. I can see these two are connecting on many different levels. All of which revolve around, ummmm, nothing that I can put my finger on. They made out in the pool, Ed is a workaholic, and he knows nothing about her. Seems like quite the pair these two make. Let’s send them to the altar now.

-The group date is up next where they will be going to a Western movie shoot. Great, another one of these. Look, it happened last season when Jason took the girls to the “General Hospital” set, and I didn’t think it could get worse than that. Well, it did last night. These horribly acted, cheesy scripted lines, and forced kissing is just dumb. It’s like a 5th grade play they’re putting on. Despite all of that going on, ABC could’ve at least saved themselves by having Michael and Tanner as the gay cowboys. It was right there in their hands for the taking, and they completely dropped the ball. Michael and Tanner could’ve had their moment to shine, they could’ve gotten the ball rolling on a “Brokeback Mountain” sequel, but no. They pair Michael with Mike in a gay cowboy scene and ruin everyone’s moment. Michael and Tanner could’ve been up for an Emmy this season if they would’ve just been paired together. Best Supporting Actors in a Horribly Scripted Reality Show with a Boring Lead.

-Just like how Jason got to essentially make out with every girl during his filming, Jillian did the same. Except her tongue stayed in her mouth. I don’t know why these guys were constantly talking about what great kisses these were when not once did anyone’s tongue come in view of the camera. As we learned last season, that’s apparently not allowed on television. Apparently that was ok with Brad since his kiss couldn’t have been more awkward if he tried. I guess he kisses everyone with his arms at his side and standing upright as a board. Yet apparently he thought his skills would bring Jillian to climax. Brad: “There’s bad ass, and super bad ass. I’m ultra bad ass.” I’d say more like ultra-douchey. That was embarrassing. And you were the one bitching last week she picked Wes over you for the dinner date? Please. Grow a pair. I have no idea what your relationship past is like, but I’m guessing it’s pretty non-existent. Go practice on your pillow or in the mirror. That should do the trick. If not, join Michael and Tanner in their quest for love with the same sex.

-So it seemed like Jillian kissed every guy there at least once and has now surpassed all records for most guys kissed. Yeah, this is the chick who was completely insulted in her conference call before the season started when asked if she slept with Jason on her overnight date, yet, she has kissed every single guy she’s had a 1-on-1 date with or had for some alone time. Maybe she’s not as innocent as she wants us to believe. She certainly has no qualms about letting guys check out her tonsils, so I’m sure she has no problems letting them check under the hood either. See, I can make assumptions like that because I’m a guy and, well, that’s what we do. Oh yeah, they didn’t show any scenes with her and Wes, but, he did pull her aside to tell her essentially that he was this seasons Graham. Didn’t Graham let DeAnna know that he wasn’t interested in tonguing her after it had been in six other guys mouths that day? Wes just left Jillian with a kiss on the cheek and foreshadowed we’d be hearing his completed redneck song some time later on. Oh boy. Can’t wait. I’ll be sure to set my recorder and download it to itunes. I don’t know how else to put it, but that song blows. And it’s getting way too much exposure. Hey, just like he planned it.

-I really hope they do away with these fake movie or TV shoots in future seasons. They are so not watchable. They’re not the least bit funny, no one can act, and we know the only reason they do it is so that the lead can kiss everyone on the date to create drama. So the Mike and Michael scene was supposed to make me laugh when all they did was steal lines from “Brokeback Mountain”? Really? Lame. Go back to doing other dates like, oh I don’t know, ones that involve hot tubs. So after shooting the worst Western movie ever made, it’s time for the wrap party at a hotel. Reid wants some alone time, which he gets, only to be asked about his ex’s by Jillian. Reid says he’s been in love 1.5 times in his life, which ironically, is 1.5 times more than Brad has with something other than his right hand. Reid is feelin’ it with Jillian, and just about as he’s gonna become her sloppy 10ths tonight, here comes gay Juan strolling in to compliment her on her style of dress or the way she’s parting her hair tonight.

-Gay Who-ahn is a beauty. Oh, he’s definitely gay all right. That’s confirmed after last nights performance. Why is this guy constantly going overboard with the compliments? If it’s not about her hair, it’s about her eyes. If it’s not her eyes, it’s how the moon glistening off the water makes her skin so radiant. Just a creepy, creepy guy. Then he laid this one on her. Who-ahn: “All I care about is what you think and what you care about.” I think Jillian actually feels really safe with Juan. Why? Probably because he has a vagina just like her. She doesn’t feel threatened at all by a chick who’s more feminine than her. These two could be the next Thelma and Louise and go on road trips together man bashing, tearing up the town, and having their cycles link up. And I would highly encourage them to drive off a cliff together as well. Seems Who-ahn has found his soulmate in Jillian. Now it’s time these two chicks start a life together.

-Of course, right after Juan and Jillian’s scene together, it’s imperative that ABC gives us a shot back at the house of David the Angry AA member talking more about how he’s gonna Juan’s ass for being fake. We get it David. You don’t like him. Crushing more vodka is making Dennis Rodman jealous. At this point, David is about .15 I’m guessing. Hell, he just called Jillian “Julien” before correcting himself. This is a sign of things to come. He is a complete mess and in full serial killer mode as we speak. The other thing we find out when they film the boys not on the group date, is that Sasha is getting the next 1-on-1. The card reads: “Sasha, can you handle my curves?” Ummm, what curves? I understand the play on words since their date was going to involve driving around LA in expensive cars, but, well, that’s the last phrase I’d use to describe her. Curvy? No. Fur trading lumberjack? Sure.

-To end the night, they all jumped in the jacuzzi. Robby took her away for some alone time and, shocker, she kissed him. Apparently all you need is a pulse for Jillian to kiss you. And wouldn’t you know it, when they’re back in the jacuzzi, Tanner P. is mauling her feet again. “I’m here to suck on some toes and I’m here to meet some Jillian.” Don’t forget you’re also here to make an ass of yourself on national television. I don’t know what to make of this guy. Sure, he’s creepy, but there’s no way that his act is real. He’s being put up to this and is strictly on this show because they want the comedic value he brings. No guy is that obsessed with womens feet. No way. And he’s going completely overboard with it every time they show him, which means he’s being told to embellish things, thus making it unfunny at this point. Whatever the case, Robby ends up getting the rose because apparently the other ten guys she kissed weren’t better than him. Then they all got to rewatch the awful Western movie they made earlier in the day. Please. Just burn that film right now. I highly doubt the AFI is gonna come looking for that piece of work. It’s hilarious how hypocritical it is of her to go off on some reporter for asking what she termed an “inappropriate” question regarding any relations she had with Jason, when she’s signing up to do the show herself and basically be forced to be sexual with tons of guys. What does she expect?

-Time for Sasha’s date and he’s pretty impressed with, well, himself. “I’m one of the more well rounded individuals here.” That’s still to be determined. Yet any guy who greets his first date by slapping two low-fives with her must be taken seriously. Did you catch how Sasha and Jillian slapped hands when she showed up, yet she hugged and got kisses from the other guys. Yeah, and this was Sasha’s date. No, totally couldn’t tell where this date was headed. Or wasn’t headed. These two are headed to an auto show museum. Wow! An auto show museum?!!!! That’ll be so much fun! They can walk around and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe because it said in the script, “Tonight Jillian sends Sasha home because we don’t have any plans for him” that he got stuck with the boring 1-on-1 date, but seriously, whoever planned that night out should be fired. Yes, apparently Jillian loves cars. And westerns. And country music. All things she is constantly telling us. Does she really love them or does she love them because that’s what’s being planned for her? Oh wait, she’s from Alberta. They apparently like all things redneck-y so I guess Jillian is in her element now.

-So these two take a Ferrari for a spin around L.A. and Jillian is getting all giddy every time Sasha steps on the gas. Sounded kinky, but it wasn’t. didn’t look like Sasha ever broke the speed limit considering they were on the side streets. Of course, all the fun came to a crashing halt when at dinner, Sasha recalls the time he was once crushed by a car. Yes, the common tale of the 18 year old driver, gets in an accident, and a car falls on his back and crushes his pelvis. He was in the hospital forever, almost paralyzed, but has made it out a better man, and now doesn’t take life for granted, lives one day at a time, yada yada yada. Good for him. Thanks for the uplifting story of the night. I’m sure that really got Jillian’s insides all squishy. How about you tell us how they fed you through tubes and you urinated in a bag while you’re at it? Look, I get he wanted to share his most life changing moment with her, but really? On the first date? Kinda depressing.

-Then of course from that, he jumps to “If I found the right person, I’d get married and have kids the next day.” A little too eager if you ask me. He tells Jillian he’s told three women in his life he’s loved them, but realizes now he was never in love and has never been heartbroken. Uhhhh, ok. He’s searching for that “mythical unicorn” and won’t settle for just anyone. He has certain expectations for himself and he plans to live up to it. Well, I guess that answers why he’s still single. Too picky. With a name like Sasha, your pickings are already slim. And wasn’t Jeremy the one who originally brought up “unicorns” during DeAnna’s season? I think he was. Why is Sasha stealing his thunder? Does Jeremy get residuals from this? I can honestly say that I’ve never personally referred to any female I was dating or was interested in as a “unicorn”. How cool would you be if you were a unicorn? I mean, you’re a horse, but you’ve got a spike sticking out of your head. In Brad’s world, that would make you an “ultra bad ass”. Unicorns don’t get enough love in this world. Oh wait, they’re fake? Really? Am I just losing my mind or did I actually think unicorns existed? Or do they? I’m completely confused. Here’s what I’m saying: Until I just wrote this, I was under the assumption unicorns existed. Then when I was writing I realized maybe they’re fake. And now I honestly don’t know. I’m a complete moron that I have no idea if unicorns are real. Rough weekend.

-Back to reality, or what he is pawned off on us as reality. So Sasha asks Jillian, “How do you think we connected?” Jillian: “You know what unicorn boy, you stay right there. Let me get the rose and answer that question.” Uh, oh. Kiss of death. Basically, Sasha gets shot down because Jillian feels he hasn’t gone through enough relationship wise to warrant a rose from her. He’s never been dumped nor has he really been in love. “I just don’t think I can meet your expectations.” Good one, Jill. Put it all on him so it makes you feel better. How about the real reason? “Uhhhh, you weren’t one of the pre-selected final four or five, so, I gotta send you home.” Funny that Jillian dumps Sasha for being a heartbreaker and worried about him never being dumped, yet, she’s keeping Kiptyn around who admittedly has never been dumped. Very fair.

-Jillian is crying as she sends Sasha away on public transportation. When did this trend start? Bad enough the guy just got embarrassed getting dumped by a 5 foot Canadian, you can’t even send a town car to come pick him up? Brutal. Jillian is now upset: “I just don’t like to hurt people.” Gee, then you kinda came on the wrong show sweetcakes. She also says this is the toughest decision she’s had to make. And you know what? Next week she’ll say the same thing. Followed by the next week, and then the next week. I highly doubt letting Sasha the unicorn go will be the most difficult thing you do this season. Please.

-Of course, when Jillian gets home, it’s time for Wes to finally release his long awaited debut single for her. Of course, this single only has one note and, from what we’ve seen, about two lines to it. It took him that long to write this song, yet, all we hear are the same two lines over and over again. What a horrible song writer. At least he can have a job next year writing the “American Idol” finale song. And if this song is so important to him and needs to be played for Jillian, why does he keep starting over? Finish the damn song. Jillian invited him upstairs so he could sing to her in person or something. Or because she was told to. One or the other. I think it’s very clear at this point three episodes in why Wes is on this show. Jillian actually did an interview yesterday with TVGuide.com and was asked if she thought Wes was on the show to promote his music career. Here’s what she said:

“Will Wes’ career benefit from this? I think absolutely. Did he come on the show just for his career? Maybe. I think he’s there for the right reasons but I think he’s got some other things to figure out.”

Yeah, so in case you didn’t know, Wes isn’t the final one. Hate to ruin anything for you, but hey, couldn’t help it. The fact that Jillian even answered the way she did was somewhat surprising. Basically she admits that he’s not the final one which is probably something she’s not allowed to do. And she didn’t even shoot down possible rumors that he’s there to promote his career. Also in the same interview, she was asked, “Now the guy that you ultimately picked, have we seen him show us something special yet?” Here was her response:

“I think so, but, ummmm, I think that everyone has their own opinion of who that last guy is right now. But no, ummmm, I would say I’d wait a few more episodes maybe.”

Well it sounds to me like whoever she’s picked really hasn’t been featured that much at this point, and knowing who the final four or five is, I think I can narrow it down to who she’s talking about. Shouldn’t be too hard.

-Final cocktail hour and this is where things get a little crazy. Reid is up first with Jillian and asks her why he didn’t get a rose last night. Of course, she danced around the question and basically ended it with, “Well, if I had two roses to give, you would’ve gotten the second one.” Uh huh. Sure he would’ve. Way to let the guy down easy. Reid is really starting to remind me of someone and I can’t place my finger on it. Man, it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t quite figure it out. Dammit. I’m sure I’ll remember at 3:00 in the morning on a Wednesday for no reason. Usually the way it happens with me. That along with crazy ass dreams about people I haven’t seen in years. And since Facebook has come along, my dreams have had tons of high school people show up in them for no reason other than I added them, or they added me, as a friend that day. Totally bizarre how that works. I haven’t thought about that person since the day I graduated, now they’re showing up in my dreams. I wonder what that means? I swear, my dreams about high school outweigh dreams on any other topic by about a 10-to-1 margin. It’s not even close. Well, there’s one other dream subject I get quite frequently. I just figured that was a given.

-Time for Mount David to begin eruption. Let’s make one thing clear at this point: David has been drunk in every scene so far this episode. I mean, REALLY drunk. You can tell by his speech, his tone, and the fact that it’s been taking him about ten seconds to complete a blink. Never a good sign. So Jillian pulls him aside and David isn’t too thrilled with the fact he got the first impression rose yet has only been on one group date. AA David: “I’m kind of used to being the top dog.” Why not just tell her you have many leather bound books and your apartment smells of rich mahogany? At least David isn’t struggling in the self-esteem department. Wow. Nice line. I’m sure you’re a delight with the ladies. He claims he got five minutes with her before Juan steps in to interrupt. Once again, yet another thing that was completely staged. The producers knew David was drunk, knew he wanted time with Jillian, and knew he hated Juan. Without a doubt, 100%, Juan was told to interrupt those two just so they could get more footage of Mount David reaching his boiling point.

-Gay Who-ahn is back at it with his book of compliments. “I’ve seen you in plenty of different outfits and I’ve never seen you look bad.” Then he says something in Spanish to her which translates to “I think you’re marvelous.” Marvelous? When was the last time anyone described anything as marvelous, let alone a woman? Mr. Sensitive here is a complete tool who is trying waaaaaay too hard. “I think you’re marvelous?” Really? I can’t imagine that would work on any woman under the age of 60. Juan and Jillian really need to escape the madness of the mansion, put scarfs over their hair, take off in a beat up ol mustang, and let the good times roll. I think regardless of if Jillian finds love on this show or not, she has a new girlfriend this season in Who-ahn, the marvelous gay sidekick they cast just for this season.

-So we go from creepy to creepier when Tanner steps up to the plate next. This guy is a complete basket case. “I want to make a connection with her feet. She has beautiful feet. I wanna kiss em’, touch em’, suck em’, rub em’, feel em’, tweeze em’, I’m that in love with them.” I thought he said “squeeze em’”, but nope, I went back just to make sure and he said “tweeze em’”. Ok, pal. Have fun doing that. The fact that this guy has spent such an inordinate amount of time obsessed with Jillians feet, makes me think he’s either gay, or being paid handsomely to do this. And the worst part? Jillian says later that the more time she spends with Tanner, the more COMFORTABLE she feels with him. Huh? I figured by now she’d be filing restraining orders against the guy. Is it possible to tell someone they need to stay 100 yards away from your feet at all times? And this guy Tanner lives here in Dallas? I gotta find out his story. What a circus clown he’s turned himself into this season. You could do a whole clip show just based off his foot fetish comments. It’s way overdone and so over-the-top at this point, I can’t possibly take him seriously. Yet, apparently Jillian can and loves the attention she’s getting. Well, her feet at least. I can’t think of one meaningful dialogue these two have had.

-But the story of the final cocktail hour was obviously the battle of David vs Juan. The Ego vs Thelma. AA meets Hair Styling school. David has a group of guys around him, and in his most inebriated state, asks the other guys if they think Juan is here for the right reasons. When they say no, he then berates them for not telling Jillian that. Huh? David has completely lost it. I don’t even know what kind of argument he’s trying to make. I guess that’s what happens when you’re drunk. You don’t make sense. Juan steps outside because he hears David talking about them. Uhhh, not a good idea. David: “Juan, go back inside. We’re talking about you.” So the pansy turns around and goes back inside. Then comes out seconds later to confront David. Oh boy. You don’t want to do this young man. He doesn’t know what David’s problem is, and after David babbles on about how he doesn’t like him, thinks he’s fake, knows he didn’t drink his shot last week, he leaves him with these parting words never to be forgotten in “Bachelor/ette” history: “Stop bein’ a cheese ass.” Personally, I would’ve gone with cheesedick, but hey, who am I to argue with Mount David? He’d blow about a .42 at this point, so hide the women and sharp objects before a homicide occurs. I mean jeez David. Get some alcohol in you already. You are a going 120 mph in a school zone right about now. I am just waiting, and praying, that we get the most famous drunk line ever out of David’s mouth at some point this season. The one line that every drunk bully says in every fight/confrontation/bitch slap he’s ever been in. “You think you’re better than me?” You know it’s coming.

-Rose Ceremony time. Thank God. David is about to wet himself just over the site of Juan. Jillian: “Tonight is tough. The more I speak to each of you, I realize that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. You bring out the best in me. Juan, you’re the best sister anyone can ever have. David, I think a 12 step process should’ve started, like, yesterday.”

Jake: I don’t think we got one word from the guy this episode.
Reid: Quietly under the radar at this point.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is. And why would we when it’s the David/Juan show every week.
Jesse: He can join Mark in the Bachelors Anonymous club.
Tanner P. Either the best actor this show has cast, or a complete lunatic. Still deciding.
Wes: Someone should take that guitar and smash it over his head like the Honky Tonk Man used to do back in the day.
Juan: There is nothing stronger than the friendship bond of two women.
Michael: After breakdancing the first night, he’s disappeared. Probably a good thing.
Kiptyn: The heartbreaker lasts another week. And another. And another. And another.
Mkie: Speedo last week. Supporting role this week.

“Gentleman, Jillian. This is the final rose tonight. If she doesn’t give this David, everyone immediately run under a door or jump in the tub. We’re expecting an earthquake of epic proportions.”

David: The guy seriously could barely stand up when receiving his rose. The alcohol on his breath wilted the rose before he even got back to where he was standing.

-So Tanner and Brad are the two that are leaving us tonight. Tanner, apparently you can’t get by on name alone. You need to develop a psychotic foot fetish for Jillian to pay attention to you. Tanner: “I hope she doesn’t make the same mistake Jason made.” Don’t worry. I’m sure she will. That’s what this show is for. To help someone pick the wrong person. As for Brad, he was completely broken up about the whole thing. When you love someone more than they love you, it’s tough.” Huh? You loved her? Brad, go get some help. “I’ll just go back to being a drifter. I don’t think anyone can relate to me.” The final shot we see of Brad is of him slitting his wrists. Good riddance.

So that’s all for this week. The merchandise store is a work in progress. I’ve put in a couple orders and it’s worked for me, so, it shouldn’t be too much trouble. Very easy to navigate and order. I would love all your feedback on what you think of the products, anything else you’d like to see, and whatever else you can think of. We are open to suggestions since this is a new venture for us. As I said, we’re extremely happy with our product, we hope you like it, and we want to give you the readers the best possible service for all your loyalty. So please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.