The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

The Bachelorette 5 Recap – 6/8/09

-I wanted to let everyone know right off the bat that I am aware of the slow loading process that the website sometimes has, as well as the comments section. I’ve looked into everything and still can’t figure out the problem, so, just bear with it the rest of this season, and by next season, we are going to go with a new layout for the site. If you bring up the page, and it doesn’t load, just wait. Sometimes it takes ten seconds, sometimes thirty, or sometimes a minute. But it’s always working very shortly thereafter. As for the comments section, same thing. Sometimes it loads immediately when you click on it, and sometimes it takes a while. If you’re hell bent on commenting, then wait it out, or refresh and try again later. So yes, I am aware of the slow loading of the site at times but I don’t want to fix it mid season since it’ll be down for long periods of time. I’d rather just deal with it once this seasons over. In the meantime, enjoy what we have now because it won’t be around much longer.

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-Before we get started, let me first give you my first bit of information I found out about this season that is 100% true. I’ve heard plenty of rumors and innuendo, but finally something has come to the forefront that shows once again how well engineered this show is. Not surprising to hear this, but still, par for the course for ABC. As we all remember in the first episode, when David exited the limo, he stood in front of Jillian for a good ten seconds in complete silence. In episodes since, the guy has been anything BUT silent, and has come across as a drunken lunatic. Yet on the first episode, he said he couldn’t think of anything to say, Jillian liked that approach and gave him the first impression rose for it. Well, I have found out in recent days, confirmed to me by three independent sources, that Dave was told on the night of the meet-and-greet to pretend he was nervous. In addition, the scene where he is speechless in front of Jillian was also re-shot THREE times because he kept laughing every time he did it. Like I said, not surprising to hear it, but it all plays in to “roles” that are created for each guy. So it’s very tough to take any edit of Dave from here on out seriously, because it seems like they just decided to have fun with him. However, us as viewers can only go with what they show us, so that’s what I’ll comment on. But if the first impression rose was staged this season, exactly what are we supposed to think about the rest of this nonsense?

-It’d be one thing if they told Dave to act speechless, and not say a word, and never told Jillian about this. Still it’d be wrong, but at least Jillian would be clueless. But the fact that the scene was re-shot three different times because he couldn’t get through the first two takes without laughing means Jillian knew all about what was happening, and giving him the first impression rose because she liked “his approach” was complete B.S. Hey, I don’t think I’m breaking any earth shattering news here by telling you portions of the show are “scripted”, I just wanted to point out a scene in particular that was. The fact that ever since the first night Dave has been made out to be a complete bully who can’t hold his liquor and would like nothing better than to string Juan up by his nuts David Carradine-style, makes me even more interested to hear what Dave admits to now that he’s been eliminated. Nice legacy Carradine left behind, huh? Great character actor and liked wearing fishnet stockings and getting off while suffocating himself. Outstanding. Hope that last orgasm was worth it, buddy. On to last night.

-Host Chris, for the 3rd episode in a row, starts off the show by telling us what’s up. Cuz heez da’ shiznit. Sorry. Trying to act like Michael the screaming breakdancer who likes talking with his rap hands. Is it possible for him to speak A) at a volume lower than 10, or B) without moving his hands around like he’s hosting “Yo! MTV Raps”? Just asking. Anyway, Chris tells us there’ll be a group date, a 1-on-1 date, and a 2-on-1 date. But since we all know what happens on the group and 1-on-1, “lets talk about this other date.” Yes Chris, lets do that. Since we’ve never seen this before in the history of the show. Well, except in the last about seven editions this show has produced. Do the guys really not know what happens on the 2-on-1 date? Pretty simple. One guy gets a rose, one guy doesn’t. What ‘tard hasn’t figured that one out yet? Are they thinking it’s gonna be a menage a tois? Maybe they think 2-on-1 means she likes both of them so much, they’re both getting roses and are just out for a jolly good time that night. Sometimes this show really thinks its viewing audience is stupid. I mean, really stupid.

-Host Chris also tells them they’re leaving the mansion for good and headed to Vancouver, Jillians hometown. Although, I thought her hometown was Alberta. Hell, what do I know? Ok, so her bio says she’s a native of Alberta, but currently resides in Vancouver. I guess it all depends on your definition of “hometown”. I pretty much spent my whole life in Orange County, Ca. Now I’m living outside of Dallas. I certainly would never say my hometown is Dallas. My hometown is Orange County. I currently live in Dallas. But whatever. The show can BS us all they want. It’s a minor technicality compared to re-shooting Dave’s opening limo scene. What a joke. Jillian is so proud that her “hometown” is the site of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. I would expect someone from Canada to be excited about that since, well, they can watch their national hockey team take 4th place again. Maybe Janet Gretzky can light the torch during the opening ceremonies. If she does, can I get some action in on that? What are her odds in Vegas? I liked Wayne in the “Waikiki Hockey” sketch when he hosted “SNL” in 1989. Funny stuff. Gambling addict wife? Not so funny.

-Kiptyn gets the solo date on the night and is pretty excited. See, he and Jake are having a little pow-wow and are so thrilled because they think Jillian is different than the other bachelorettes. Jake: “For the first time in my life, it seems like a girl is looking for the nice guy. I don’t understand the ones who chase the bad boys.” Wow. Jake and I actually have something in common besides both living in Texas. We both don’t understand the “bad boy” phenomenon. Look, I know women have their phases with it, I just don’t understand it. And never will. That’s because I’m the nicest guy on the planet and look where that’s gotten me. Ha ha. I’m kidding. I’m in a good place right now, so I ain’t complaining. Anyway, I’ll get off the “woe is me” card right now and get back to the task at hand. And that’s Jake the pilot who loves the fact Jillian likes nice guys. Uhhhh, Jake’s in for a rude awakening. Looks like he’s headed down a road all too familiar for the “nice” guys, and we all know what that is. It’s called the “Friend Zone”. And Jake isn’t too far away from being thrown in. Bump-bump-buuuuuummmmm.

-So Kiptyn and Jillians date made me nauseous I must admit. Why, you ask? Because every freakin’ sentence out of their mouth was a compliment about the other person. Immediately when he meets up with her, they run into each others arms (the running when meeting someone needs to stop. Act like you’ve been there before guys), and he tells her, “You look beautiful”. Nice compliment. No harm in that. The only problem was she was in jeans, an oversized raincoat, and a scarf. Beautiful? Really? So when she’s all decked out and dressed up in her 5 inch heels and sparkly backless dress and you tell her she looks beautiful again, doesn’t it lose its luster a bit? Ease up pal on tossing word beautiful around. The law of diminishing returns will set in rather shortly if you keep it up.

-Immediately these two get in a kayak so they can head over to the market and buy some food for the night. Jillian wants to find some homemade tortellini so she can make it with her special sauce. Uh huh. I say Kiptyn’s special sauce will work out just fine on your tortellini. I’m so immature at times, it’s frightening. Really. So after these two go to the market, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none. Ok, somethings come over me tonight and I don’t know what, but I’m delirious right now. Maybe cuz’ I’m tired. I’ll try and fight through it, but I can’t promise anything. So Jillian and Kiptyn sit on a park bench and talk about charity work. Kiptyn does some work with kids, and Jillian chimes in she’s put in work with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Organization. Hey Canadians, want me to say something nice about Jillian? Ok, I will. Very cool she did work for Big Bros/Big Sis because I was involved with the program myself for five years. Still keep in touch with my “little brother” to this day. So at least Jillian has one redeeming quality about her I can appreciate.

-Kiptyn: “Jillian and I have the beginnings to a relationship of people who are best friends.” I’m glad he was able to tell this by a kayak across the river, shopping at the market, talking charity work, and feeding the pigeons. Why not just propose now since everything you guys say to each other at this point seems to impress the other one. Jillian could say right now, “Hey, I have horrible gas every morning and usually go days without brushing my teeth” and you know what Kiptyn’s response would probably be? “Really? Me too!” This love affair is almost too much too soon. They’re convinced that this is real between them because they’re not on an extravagant date. They’re just chillin’ at Jillians place (well, it’s not really her place as Host Chris explains in his blog today)she’s cooking him dinner. Hey, I’m all for more normal dates since that’s where people get lost and caught up in the fantasy of this show since once you get back to the real world, the days of you taking helicopters over mountains and repelling down sides of buildings on your first date end, and dinner at Olive Garden then to a movie begin. But now these two are a married couple because she’s at home, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen making a pie. Or something like that.

-The diarrhea of compliments continues. Jillian: “What’s your biggest turn on?” Kiptyn: “Being spontaneous.” Jillian: “Me too! Love that! As for physically, well, you should probably just look in the mirror.” These two are so cute. Like two little cats playing with a ball of string. Just doing the same thing over and over again for hours while the rest of watch bored out of our minds. The outpouring of affection between these two is never a good sign. It’s almost too forced at this point. Now its time for Kippy to get serious. The Kipster lets her know that he’s never really been much of a pursuer. In past relationships, he’s tended to end up with people who come after him. Yeah, I know what you mean pal. It’s tough fending off so many women at a time. Man, what a tough life you and I lead. I just wish we didn’t have so many women approaching us all the time, you know? I’m glad Kiptyn cleared that up for us because what better show to go if you’re not a pursuer than the “Bachelorette”. It’s not like you have to put yourself out there very much at all and force yourself to have time with a woman being pursued by 29 other guys. So if Kiptyn isn’t a pursuer, and this show is essentially all about pursuing, then how in the hell did he end up on this show? Hmmmmmmm, interesting question. Wouldn’t it just be so crazy if Kiptyn was our next “Bachelor”? You know, since he usually ends up with women who come to him. Well, what better show to do that becoming the “Bachelor”? Boy, that would just be perfect for him. Let’s stay tuned for those developments.

-However Kiptyn, after telling us he’s not a pursuer, not explains why he came on this show. Kip: “I was telling myself, ‘You need to do this. You need to go after something.'” Well, either that or someone influenced you to come on the show with a few hundred benjamins in hand. Hey look, I said it a month before the season started, and I’ll say it again. I know that there were two guys approached about coming on the show, both offered $50k and guaranteed at least final four, and both of those guys turned it down. Now, whether or not ABC decided to go after a couple other guys with the same offer, or more money, or less money, I don’t know. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. But I know that two individuals were offered money to come on the show and rejected it. It might mean that some of the guys this season were paid, it might not. However, I will say this. If Kiptyn ends up in the final two, doesn’t get picked, and ends up as our next “Bachelor”, I think the writing is on the wall. This show is telling a story, remember that. It’s not that far fetched to think that’s what’s going on here. Time will tell.

-Now its time for the group date with Michael, AA Dave, Wes, Reid, Jesse, Who-ahn, Robby, foot freak Tanner, Jake, and Ed Dean Piven Jr. Once again, Jillian is extremely excited because they will be competing in an “internationally recognized Olympic winter sport. Curling.” Hilarious. Like we would come to expect anything different from a Jillian date than curling. Curling? Really? We have to watch this? Shocking to see a date in Canada is centered around this ridiculous sport. I would’ve much rather preferred chopping down trees or harpooning whales, but I guess this is the best they could come up with. Lets get something straight: Curling isn’t a sport. It’s an activity. It’s a skill. Big difference. Doesn’t mean it’s a sport. Kinda like lawn darts or bochy ball. Sure, not everyone can do it, and some people are really good at it, but that doesn’t make it a sport. I could go on for days debating what’s actually considered a sport or what isn’t, but for the time being, just know curling is lame. Most people don’t give a crap about curling, so my interest in this date was rather minimal. I was just curious to see if Dave was going to crack Juan’s skull on the ice after a victory. Or maybe take one of the curling broomsticks and whack him across the face leaving him in a bloody pile of his own mess.

-Speaking of Who-ahn, he’s really fired up for curling. “Curling requires three things: Flexibility, balance, and touch. And I got all three.” Another important trait that any good curler should have is testosterone. Unfortunately, Who-ahn is lacking in that category. Flexibility, balance, and touch don’t come in handy when you have ovaries and its that time of the month. And considering they never really showed Who-ahn doing anything during this curling event pretty much tells us all we need to know how he fared. They were split up in to teams of five and the winners got to party with Jillian later in the night. The Blue team consisted of Wes, Ed, Reid, Michael, and Tanner. The Red team was the other five d-bags. Let’s talk about Michael for a moment. He’s annoying. Like, Dave-why-don’t-you-use-his-face-as-a-punching-bag-and-leave-Juan-alone annoying. Why does Michael have to yell every sentence? And why is he doing his best Kiptyn impression this date? Michael: “She looked beautiful today. I just wanted to hug her and get some hot chocolate.” Dude, you’re weird. Beautiful again? She was freezing her ass off in a pair of sweats. Hey Eminem, calm down you little twerp. Go show us your 1985 dance moves on the ice and maybe rupture a spleen in the process. That’d be splendid.

-So the Red team won. That’d be Jake, Jesse, David, Robby, and Juan. Yes, Juan and Dave were on the same team and managed not to come to blows. Well, at least from what they showed us they didn’t. Jake is up first to talk to Jillian and boy is he nervous. I don’t know how else to explain what he said to her. In talking about their date that happened a week ago when Martina McBride performed for them, he said, “I had a great time. It was great. Made my year. Made my life.” Jake, you’re a pilot. You’ve probably flown all over the world. You’ve probably been to places that 95% of America has never been to. Now I’m supposed to believe a Martina McBride concert with you wearing ass tight jeans and an awful cowboy shirt made your life? I know you’re trying to get Jillian to remember the one good time you guys had together so far, but don’t go overboard. It’s like you and Kiptyn are sharing the same brain since you’re convinced she’s here looking for the nice guys. Jillian: “You are too perfect.” Jake: “I’m not too perfect.” Well, glad we got that established. Because all along I was thinking, “You know, if there’s one person on this planet who is the perfect person, it’d be Jake. The guy from Denton, Texas who chose to go on the ‘Bachelorette'”. Nauseating, really.

-One guy who could better than any of the rest of them was Jesse. We haven’t seen much of him up to this point, but now Jillian is getting some alone time with him and his Kango hat. He looked like a golf caddy from the 1950’s or LL Cool J. Couldn’t quite figure out what look he was going for. Oh, I got it. It was the “giant tool” look. As Farmer Ted told the dork in “Sixteen Candles”, “Take that ridiculous thing off!” Apparently Jesse isn’t going to listen to me and is going to continue to wear it during his alone time. And apparently he’s drinking some of the Jake/Kiptyn Kool-Aid. Jesse: “You’re one of the greatest girls I’ve ever met.” This is just getting ridiculous. Jillian? Really? One of the greatest human beings ever to walk this planet? What are they slipping into these guys drinks? Jillian: “You are here for a reason, and it’s not out of luck.” She kisses him. And it’s official four episodes in: Jillian is very uncomfortable to watch kissing. For someone who’s as big a mouth whore as she is, she really doesn’t seem to be very good at it. But hey, what do I know? According to Jesse, there isn’t a single woman on the planet who is on par with Jillian Harris. Good Lord.

-Next up was the highlight of the night. Our boy Dave lubed up yet again finally getting Jillian for some alone time. Jillian says her and Dave are kinda on the buddy level going into this, so she wants to see if there’s more. Oh there’s more, sweetcakes. Trust me. Dave is convinced you will be his love slave and will wait on him hand and foot for the rest of your life. But not before he showers you with compliments, although, in a much more vulgar variety than did Kiptyn/Jake/Jesse. Dave: “Today at the curling event, your ass was fantastic. I kept standing behind you looking at it going, ‘Uh huh’. Do you ever look at your ass in the mirror? You’ve got a great ass.” Very subtle, Dave. I can’t imagine why she didn’t drop her panties right there. Wait, it gets worse. Even though she’s completely taken aback by his forwardness, apparently in his eyes, it’s on like Donkey Kong. This guy is going in for the kill. With his psycho eyes approaching, and his tongue already in lizard position, Jillian gives him the ol’ “here, let me turn my head you disgusting pig and kiss my cheek”, ala DeAnna with Chef Robert. Best scene of the season.

-The Incredible Dave does not like this one bit. “I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before. Ever.” I don’t doubt that for a second. Kinda hard when you’re holding them down against their will. So now these two are in a discussion about how women never turn down the Incredible Dave, and as she’s explaining herself to him about not kissing every guy in the house (even though it seems like she has), her top starts to slide down a little bit which does two things to Dave. #1, gives him an erection. #2, assumes this is the go ahead for him to caress her boob as he fixes her shirt for her. Very smooth, buddy. Couldn’t see that one coming from a mile away. And now he’s feeling the need to talk about what he just did. Dave: “You and I are comfortable together. You can talk to me, your tit falls out, it’s no big deal.” Jillian: “Uhhh, it’s my bra.” If this whole scene doesn’t show up on the “Soup” Friday, some intern screwed up. Hell, this should be the “Clip of the Week”. Dave, just because Jillian showed you her training bra doesn’t necessarily give you the right to mount her on national television. I will make a bet with anyone right now that, if it already hasn’t happened, at some point Dave will either get:

a) maced by police officers
b) arrested for public drunkenness
c) arrested for disturbing the peace
d) accused of domestic violence
e) all of the above. On the same night.

I don’t think there’s been a season I was looking more forward to the “Tell All” episode than this season. If Dave isn’t on the hot seat for the full hour, I’ll be pissed. Even Host Chris wants a piece of him. And as we saw later, when you cross Host Chris, there is hell to pay. Hell hath no fury than a scorned Chris Harrison. Did I say that right? Anyway, Jesse and his Kango hat ended up getting the rose.

-We are now in the 2-on-1 date with Mark and Mike. Mike was the dude earlier in the season who put on a speedo and jumped in the ocean. Cheesy. He was also the guy who on opening night, tossed her a baseball that she caught, so he could use the line, “I knew you were a good catch.” Barf. Mark we basically know nothing about at this point other than in the beginning of the episode, he had neck beard. But by the time the date rolled around, someone knocked some sense into him and mentioned he might want to shave that thing off since it looks like he’s been living in the woods for the last five years. And oh yeah, Mark is a Pizza Entrepreneur. Outstanding. I can totally see Jillian ending up with a guy who comes home with pizza dough on his hands after flipping pizzas all day. Is “Pizza Entrepreneur” short for “delivery guy for Dominos”? Just checking. ABC totally missed the boat on this date. Frankly, I don’t think anyone gives a rats ass about these two guys. How can you not have the 2-on-1 date with Dave and Juan? Horrible directing. They should be ashamed of themselves. They’d have television gold on their hands if they’d gone that route. Sure, Dave getting a boner over seeing Jillians bra was good stuff, but nothing like the endless possibilities of a 2-on-1 date with Juan. Just think, there could’ve been a murder and a sexual assault on the same date!

-So the date was to take a helicopter to Grouse Mountain, wherever the hell that is. During the helicopter ride, Mike was definitely the aggressor while Pizza Hut was sitting there twiddling his thumbs. Domino’s tells us he’s his biggest competitor and own worst enemy when it comes to dating. I know. Must be tough. Fending off all the chicks who are all over in your white apron covered in marinara sauce. So Mark the Pizza Geek is making it perfectly clear he isn’t really suited for a 2-on-1 date. However, Mike is in his element. And what is that element? Throwing out every relationship one-liner he could. “I’m at the point in my life to find a woman to spend the rest of the my life with. I would make you happy, care for you, provide for you, etc. This is a big risk, big reward situation.” What’s next Mike? Let me guess, you “work hard, and play hard” as well? Mike couldn’t have come across worse if he tried. In fact, he was trying too hard. He basically was telling her everything he thought she wanted to hear and I’m guessing it came off pretty hollow.

-As for Mark, the head chef at Little Caesar’s, he joins the crowd of millions this season who have enjoyed talking about their past girlfriends. Tells us he had a long distance girlfriend, pretty much got cheated on, was burned by it, and now takes a little bit longer to open up to people. Although, he does say one smart thing, he does question how other guys on the show can say they’re in love after such a short time. You’re preachin’ to the choir buddy. Amen. Now go make me a large pepperoni and garlic pizza with extra cheese. After he whips up Jillian a meatball sub, it’s decision time for her. Does she go with the speedo dork who’s just feeding her lines, or does she consider a life in the fast lane with Luigi over here? Jillian: “This is the hardest date I’ve ever been on in my life.” Well, if you want to convince yourself of that, then sure. But I’m guessing we’ll hear something very similar in the coming weeks. She’s made her decision: She wants a medium Canadian bacon pizza with half anchovies and half onions. Mike, I’m sorry, but take your baseball and speedo and get the f-out. As she sends Mike on his way down the gondola, he says, “If I was a betting man, I’d have put all the money I had on me getting a rose.” Well, good thing you didn’t. I’m sure your ego didn’t take bashing having been beaten out by Domino’s Employee of the Month.

-Since it’s getting late, I’m going to condense the cocktail party a little bit since it all surrounded the question I’ve been more times than I can imagine this season: Which one of these guys has a girlfriend? I will be honest. I don’t know. In fact, I’m more tending to believe that none of these guys do and this is just being thrown out there to create drama. Yes, I understand that Tanner said he knows for a fact that Wes has a girlfriend, but that could easily be in the editing. I am withholding judgment until I see more. The way this show works, and considering the whole final cocktail hour was spent dissecting who does or doesn’t have a girlfriend, makes me think the whole thing was made up. Time will tell, but let’s not just immediately assume someone has a girlfriend because that’s what someone said. We know how manipulative the show can be. Remember when DeAnna had a blow up at the mens BBQ crying, yelling, and screaming at the guys that if they didn’t want to be there, they should just go home? Totally made up. Was all part of the “script” to create drama.

-So Jillian is pissed. Tanner tells her in private that guys aren’t there for the right reasons, and that someone has mentioned having a girlfriend. This causes Jillian to cry for what seems like the 100th time this episode. So instead of talking to all the guys, Jillian is so furious, she decides its time to end the party. Jillian: “I’ve been told some guys aren’t here for the right reasons. I’m very upset. So no more cocktail party. I’ll see you guys at the elimination. I’m taking my ball and going home. I might even suck on my thumb for a while.” So this has all the guys in a tizzy and all the guys look around to see who’s gonna say what. Jillian heads to the deliberation room with steam coming out of her ears. “I don’t even want to cry about it. They don’t deserve my emotion. That’s bullsh**. I want to know who it is and I want them gone. I don’t want to cry.” Funny how you keep telling us you don’t want to cry, yet, that’s all you’re doing. You’re a horrible actress.

-Elimination time. Host Chris comes out like a fire breathing dragon ready to kick some ass. “All right guys. Jillians upset. To hear that some guys might have girlfriends, lets just get it out in the open. If you have something to say, say it now.” Thirteen douchebags then proceed to look around at each other with blanks looks on their faces. Who me? Nope. Not me. You? Nope. Not me. What about you? Not me. On and on this goes until Jake tries to act all hard. Jake: “I’m here to find love in my ripped designer jeans. Be a man and step up.” Jake is a pansy, I’m sorry. Quit being Mr Peacemaker here. Like any of these guys are going to admit it, even if they do have a girlfriend. I get what Jake is trying to do here, being the first one to speak up as he’s thinking it’ll get him a one way ticket under Jillians shirt, but it ain’t happening. Basically, none of the guys speak up, yet people seem to know that Tanner is the one who ran his mouth. Poor Tanner is red as a beet, sweating like a prostitute in church, and about to cry. Why, I have no idea since I wasn’t there. Host Chris gives his explanation in his blog. But basically after weeks of teasing us with, “One of the guys has a girlfriend”, and spending the last 20 minutes talking about it, none of the guys confess to anything and nothing gets resolved. Gee, glad we wasted time on that. Hence the reason I think this was all done for drama’s sake.

-Jillian: “Thanks guys for the discussion. I want to make sure I find who I’m looking for.” Huh? Nothing got resolved, what exactly are you thanking them for? They’re all cowards for basically not saying anything. Tanner is a wuss for not admitting he was the one who ratted someone out, Jillian is equally to blame for not admitting what she knew, and the rest of them are sheep for not answering what fire-breathing Chris Harrison asked them to admit in the first place. That whole scene was ridiculous. On to the roses. Jesse the Kango, Kiptyn the weenie, and Mark your friendly neighborhood pizza boy are already safe with roses.

Reid: Hey, Reid stole my glasses.
Robby: One of the guys who acted pissed he lost out on some Jillian time when she went crying home to mommy because boys were being mean to her.
Ed: Is he going to be on next season of “Grey’s”?
Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what’s the word? Word up.
Wes: Maybe he does have a woman back home.
Jake: Don’t you dare come on this show without the truest intentions. My ripped jeans are so tight right now, it’s cutting off the circulation to my boys.

“Gentleman, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Take your time. I’ll be over here benching 440 and ready to go MMA on these clowns if they don’t step up and be a man.”

Tanner: Of course you gotta keep the Informant around. He’s got all the info.

-So yes, Dave and Juan head home on the same night. Juan basically said nothing good on the way out the door other than he’s a passionate guy, he doesn’t know what happened, and that he doesn’t have a girlfriend back home waiting for him. Maybe not, but notice he didn’t say anything about a boyfriend back home? Ah ha! Busted! As for Dave, totally disappointed in his exit performance. I wanted glasses shattered, fights to break out, and a nice forearm shiver to Juan out the door. Never happened. Dave: “I feel pretty wronged. Jillian made two mistakes. Not telling us who ratted us out and letting me go. She definitely made a mistake. What the f**k, man?” I don’t know Dave, but I can’t wait til you do your conference call with the media this week. I think for the first time I might actually listen in live on one of these and see if I can get a question in. Unless of course ABC decides I’m not a “news” site and doesn’t let me in. Gee, what are the odds of that happening?

On a side note, nice to see Adam Lambert officially admit something we’ve known for the last five months about him. Cover of “Rolling Stone”, snakes hanging around near his crotch area, admitting to everyone he’s gay. Really Adam? Could’ve fooled me. I totally thought you were straight. Maybe next he’ll tell us that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West and that Barack Obama is the new President of the United States. Congrats to him that he officially came out, but that was the least surprising news of this century outside of Paris Hilton having ties to an escort service. Or that David Carradine’s ex’s are now coming out and admitting he was a sexual deviant.

So that’s all for this week. Back Friday with “Reality Roundup”. Would still love any and all feedback related to the merchandise store. We appreciate everyone who has purchased so far, you should be getting your stuff shortly, so please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

30 Comments

30 Comments

  1. ninali

    June 9, 2009 at 1:53 PM

    “Dave: “Today at the curling event, your ass was fantastic. I kept standing behind you looking at it going, ‘Uh huh’. Do you ever look at your ass in the mirror? You’ve got a great ass.” Very subtle, Dave. I can’t imagine why she didn’t drop her panties right there.” Ah Steve…you almost made my milk come up my nose when I read that! Loved it!

    Not too surprised by the re-takes for Dave…at first I thought it really wasn’t a long moment he didn’t say anything and that it was just edited to seem longer…but neither here nor there…he’s gone thank goodness.

    I thought for sure when they announced there would be a 2 on 1 that it would be Juan and Dave hands down withuot a doubt…I would’ve bet on it…was very surprised they didn’t. Oh well you’re right Steve it probably would’ve ended up they way you said.

    Interested in seeing the next episode…it seems to be getting a little more interesting as I ususally think it does as it whittles down. I think I like Reid…he seems to be funny, witty and sincere and he looked hot in those glasses…I had to keep rewinding my tivo when they showed him at the ice rink…yummy!

  2. JENNIFER S.

    June 9, 2009 at 1:56 PM

    Ahhh RS – another fab review. You crack me up. I usually crack myself up but you are 2nd in that chain of command. I must say – your comment about there being a murder and a sexual assault all in the same night” was really very funny. I too agree – Dave & Juan should’ve had the 2 on 1 date. That would’ve made for classic TV. My favorite part of this tw0 hour extravaganza was when Jilly and Chris were trying to find out who the guy was with the girl back home. Tanner was hysterical – all sweaty and turning red and when he said to Juan – STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! I thought I would laugh till I cried. These guys are all loopy – all of them. Jake is creeping me out lately. Kippy is also annoying me. Hell – I dont like any of them anymore. I liked WHO-AHN – I need to see more of him someplace. That being said GO ADAM LAMBERT – on Rolling Stone – I think I will actually be purchasing this magazine for the first time in my life! Yeah – I think I will.
    :)

  3. u2nloth

    June 9, 2009 at 2:20 PM

    Have to admit I was sad to see Mike go, and honestly did not have a clue who Mark was when they first showed him. I think now I’m pulling for Reid or Ed. Jake seems like a great guy, but sometimes nice is too nice. However, I totally see Jillian following in Deanna’s footsteps with letting the nice guys go (“I thought I knew what I wanted but now I’m not so sure”) and choosing someone a little edgy or “bad boy”-ish. Big mistake. Go for the nice guys.

  4. ottonian

    June 9, 2009 at 3:18 PM

    I think your write-ups are amusing, albeit you are some what quick to judge. And I am not sure I would go w/your opinion when you yearn for DeYAWNa’s season! Seriously – Deanna is fame-chasing, full of herself (i.e. ‘go buy a copy of this magazine, yeah i’m on the cover!!!” – get over yourself! Perhaps Jillian is down to earth, not scripted – which is why you don’t like her – she is unscripted, much to your – and other’s dismay. Reason Deanna can’t get attached to Jillian’s season is because….well Deanna isn’t on it and is therefore uninterested!!

    Jillian reminds me of Trista – there to find love – not fame/TV shows/Music career (i.e. Bob Guiney).

    p.s. Curling is a sport – it’s in the Olympics – which makes it a sport. You may not like it – that does not make it a non-sport.

  5. jljohnson

    June 9, 2009 at 3:57 PM

    I only found your column during the Bachelor drama with Jason, so I never realized how funny your recaps can be. I think the highlight for me was: “I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before. Ever.” I don’t doubt that for a second. Kinda hard when you’re holding them down against their will. LMAO!

    I was kind of sad to see Mike go. Personally I liked him. Maybe he was trying a little too hard but I don’t think it’s a bad thing when someone is obviously really trying to show you they’re interested and want to be there. Mark, on the other hand, was a bore. I think Reid looks like kind of a dork. I like Jake but I agree, I could see him ending up in the friend zone really quickly.

    The thing about Jillian is, she’s the girl everyone can relate to. She’s cute but definitely not gorgeous, she’s quirky, fun, the kind of person you can imagine hanging out with. The thing is, I’m not interested in watching a TV show about someone just like me! I know it’s called “reality television” but there’s nothing real about it and most of us tune in for the simple fact that we like the fantasy.

  6. SweetPea

    June 9, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    Another great recap, Steve! I sit at my desk reading your column and have tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing so hard. People say, “What are you reading?” and I tell them and now about 15 people in my office are your new fans! You are terrific!!!

    When Chris Harrison came out at the end and told the guys they’d better fess up about having a girlfriend, and all the guys were looking around at each other, it reminded me of Ralphie in “The Christmas Story.” Remember when the teacher asked the class, “Who put Flick up to this?” (sticking his tongue to the flag pole)? Ralphie innocently looked around at all his classmates, his eyes saying, “Certainly not me, loveable, likeable Ralphie!” It was a hoot!

    I agree with another posting above, Jill is an all-around nice girl and I really do believe she’s there for the simple reason of finding a man for her life. I don’t think she has any designs on becoming a movie star or anything else … I think she truly wants to find a husband, move back to Canada, have kids, take them to the park, cook dinners and just live her life out with her best friend. I hope she finds that guy amongst these last 10 men. I really liked Juan, but since he’s gone Reid and Jake are now my favorites, Kiptyn is OK. The rest needs to go soon — especially Wes and Tanner. I truly believe Jillian would be better off choosing one of the guys in their early 30s — they’re more mature and apt to be ready to settle down.

    Thanks for the great recaps — looking forward to next week!!!

  7. mja

    June 9, 2009 at 4:32 PM

    Great recap, once again! I didn’t think this show was boring like the earlier ones. Maybe it is just because the field is being narrowed down.

    I thought it was strange that they didn’t show more in this episode that would explain why she didn’t give Juan a rose. She seemed to like him fine last week, and then this week — gone! Maybe the producers told her not to give him a rose so that Dave wouldn’t freak out if he left and Juan didn’t.

    Re: Tanner, I was so very glad not to see any foot comments from him this week. I wonder about the girlfriend story, though — the only evidence Tanner gave for Wes having a girlfriend was that Wes said there was a woman back home that he still liked (apparently after they broke up). I have a feeling that Wes has a lot of women, but not that he has one girlfriend. So Jillian should probably be more worried about the idea that he isn’t really ready to have just one girlfriend. He has shown no sign of that, at least. I loved when Jillian said the first boy she had a crush on (named Victor?) had dark hair and sang a song for her. That explains the attraction to Wes, all right — she is reliving her childhood fantasies.

    I noticed in Host Chris’ blog today he said that Jillian was very attracted to Kiptyn immediately, from day one. I believe that was what happened with Jason about Melissa, too, according to Chris. Is this another Jason/Melissa thing, where Kiptyn makes it to the end as the seeming favorite, but then gets left by the wayside? Maybe he would be too nice for her — I don’t think she really is looking for the goody two-shoes guys. But not the completely bad guys, either… she seems more complicated than I gave her credit for at first.

  8. mja

    June 9, 2009 at 6:18 PM

    What I forgot to mention in the last paragraph of #7 above was that Chris Harrison mentioned in his blog AFTER the Jason Bachelor season was over that “now he could tell” everybody how attracted Jason was to Melissa from the beginning. But this time, he is mentioning that Jillian was strongly attracted to Kiptyn from the beginning. So, maybe he wants us to believe that it will be a similar result. … Or maybe it’s just by chance. :-)

  9. Bliss_Leia

    June 9, 2009 at 7:18 PM

    Ok… I have to admit like Sweetpea… I laugh so hard sitting on my desk that everyone at my job thinks a)Im crazy, or b)Im reading something very funny: your column of course! – by the way, I love the “a” and “b” for Michael and asking your question “Is it possible for him to speak A) at a volume lower than 10, or B) without moving his hands around like he’s hosting “Yo! MTV Raps”?” No, apparently he cant! I cant stand this guy seriously.

    My fav is Ed, and yes he should be on the next season of Greys. I read on FORT people speculating about him getting out and then coming back again because he is in one picture in Spain or something like that, not clear about it, but want to know if this is correct…

    Thank God AA Dave is out, it wasnt a shocker after his 5 minutes of fame last night. Juan was nice, but there was something strange with that guy, maybe your right about him. Kiptonite is like whatever and the pilot/tight pants guy… I think like Jillian, he is too perfect but you know only in the outside… how he eat, dance, walks, blah blah blah. I dont even want to talk about Wes ’cause everybody knows why he is there but! man he is annoying. Its like he is trying so bad and then, simply he cant.

    For next week I want out Tanner and Michael. Thank u Steve your are the best!

  10. catholicgrl16

    June 9, 2009 at 8:37 PM

    I’ve been reading your column since the jason/mel/molly fiasco. i always watch the show with this column in mind. wondering what you will say about this or that…i do have a couple comments though..

    My boyfriend is also a pilot, like jake…in fact, they are very much alike. just wanted to say that the story jake gave jill on their 1-on-1 about waking up, going to work, and then flying out staying in where-ever for the weekend..private pilots actually do that..maybe not as much anymore b/c of the hard economy right now…but it’s DEFINITELY not out of the question to actually happen. …and you have to admit..that’s pretty cool to be able to do that.

    like i said, jake and my boyfriend are very similar..and i’m pulling for jake. he may be a nice guy and easily tossed into the “friend” pile…but whoever he ends up with is a lucky lucky girl, she will be very loved, the sole object of his affection, and taken care of. go jake!

  11. Pam in Evansville

    June 9, 2009 at 9:20 PM

    Steve……WOW! Your blog comments have really turned hateful. I loved reading your comments during “TB”, but you have certainly changed. Your tasteless comments about David Carradine in particular, were truly mean-spirited. The deceased deserve some respect. PLEASE tone it down and get back to who you were b4 you got so full of yourself. Reading your blog should be an enjoyable experience. This one wasn’t.

  12. oversharequeen

    June 9, 2009 at 10:12 PM

    Steve, you’re a little mixed up about your geography. Alberta is a Canadian province, not a city. Jillian’s hometown is Pearl River, Alberta.

  13. localady

    June 9, 2009 at 10:32 PM

    So glad to have you around the blogoshere Steve! LMAO reading your blog. I have a question for you…as far as you know did any of the producers and/or editors get canned (or promoted?) since Jason’s season? does the editing seem the same as in Jason’s season to you? i feel like it is soooo much more guarded and careful…am wondering if there is a new production crew working the show…

  14. ellie

    June 9, 2009 at 10:41 PM

    Your remark about David Carradine was so out of place & tasteless. What does that have to with The Bachelorette?

  15. Deegirl

    June 9, 2009 at 11:19 PM

    Just when I think this season can’t get any more boring, it does. I loved your recap as usual especially all your comments about Mark (Luigi, pizza delivery guy, Dominos employee of the month). Brilliant. The end where everyone stood around trying to figure out who had a girlfriend was so lame. This was the big build-up for the week? Are you f-ing kidding me? That’s all you’ve got, ABC? Really? That was nearly as exciting as the curling. Or watching ice melt.

    I still don’t get how people think Jillian is cute. She has the body of a twelve-year-old boy, she walks like a guy, talks like a she’s been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 40 years and her nose is enormous. All the aboats and dudes are getting on my nerves. If a guy was whoring himself out by playing tonsil hockey (must be a Canadian Olympic sport)with all the girls the way Jill is with all the guys everyone would be sooooo upset.

    I continue to watch only to read your hilarious take on everything (and those who take offense to your comments need to unbunch their granny pants) and to check out the guy candy.

  16. je2

    June 10, 2009 at 12:09 AM

    David was “hired” to be the bad guy, only he never dreamed he would be as bad as he is. That’s what you get when you sign the contract.

    Wes has a girlfriend, or a girl he is dating, at home, he was jumped aboard to promote his CD and his coming tour. He and probably others came with girlfriends or SO baggage with full knowledge of the producers. Wes was never going past the fantasy dates. No chance he would be committed to the show any longer.

    Jillian is reading her script like a good little girl. No surprises for this little girl. Too bad she cannot carry a conversation without locking her lips to some dude – any dude – anytime – anywhere – as often as possible

    The only interesting event of the season is the exquisit scenery and the change of format. Too bad they lost Lisa Levinson after B11. The show lost any semblence of spontenaity or possibility.

  17. ellesbells

    June 10, 2009 at 1:23 AM

    Wow, I just have reiterate what Pam and Ellie said. There is such a hateful quality to this blog now that the humor has been all but obliterated. There is a definite change in tone. Snark is cool, but there should be cleverness behind it, not laziness.

    Oh, and if you’re going to be so hateful and judgemental, you might want to get your facts straight. It is a KANGOL hat, not a “Kango” and it is BOCCE BALL, not “bochy” ball.

  18. Sirtriz

    June 10, 2009 at 1:38 AM

    I think Jillian chose to oust David & Juan because that was her best guess as to who was not there for the right reasons. Since the discussion they had prior to the RC was futile, she probably based it on the fact that they were the top 2 to be voted out by the other bachelors a couple weeks ago, though she vetoed the vote.

  19. owl

    June 10, 2009 at 7:08 AM

    The real question should have been: “Who still has a boy friend?” Now THAT would have been funny, especially if someone came forward to fess up.

  20. Sparky

    June 10, 2009 at 7:55 AM

    Hillarious re-cap Steve. They really did screw up by not having the Dave/Juan two-on-one date that everyone was hoping for. Same as last week when they missed out on the Tanner/Michael scene. Whoever is responsible should be fired! LOL. Your list of things that we’ll be hearing about Dave in the future was hysterical and the murder/sexual assault comment was priceless.

    Not sure I’ve ever read it here but since you live in the Dallas area, do you have any idea why there are so many “contestants” on the show from Texas? Is it like some kind of club that people want to get into down there? I think the prestige of being an ex-bachelor/bachelorette is becoming rather alluring in that area. 😉

  21. addicted2trainwrecks

    June 10, 2009 at 12:57 PM

    OMG the following two paragraphs were certainly among your best ever. (I will only post the first few words of each)I admit this particular column was just laugh out loud funnnnnnnny and I had a hard time picking just 2 but these were special for certain.
    -Speaking of Who-ahn, he’s really fired up for curling……
    and -As for Mark, the head chef at Little Caesar’s,….
    Thanks so much for your humor and talent that brings a bigger laugh to me than this stupid show itself and that is saying something,

  22. TexasGG

    June 10, 2009 at 3:48 PM

    This was absolutely hilarious blog! Hey Sparky, we just have a great bunch of good looking guys in Texas.

    My question is why do they have so many really young guys for a 29-year-old woman? I know that women do marry men younger as do men, but some of this is ridiculous. Getting rid of Mike and keeping a 25-yr-old “pizza boy” just doesn’t make sense. Jillian honey, just keep in mind that some of these young guys probably still live at home with their parents and surely wouldn’t be good husband/daddy candidates. Believe me, this is the voice of experience talking. My husband was 21-1/2 when we married and I had just turned 23 and I didn’t think I was ever going to get him raised. Maybe had 10 years as age appropriate and then he became an old man at 55 and died at 62. Just my opinion, but Jill, go for a guy at least your age or older.
    Steve, keep up the good work. I’m retired so only the dog hears me laughing at your column each week. And, I agree with one of the posters above, Tanner may be from Texas but that foot fetish thing is disgusting and he really needs to go. Also, the young bartender from Spring, TX (suburb of Houston) is cute but way too young. I may be a native Texan but I am realistic. Loved Jeremy from DeYawna’s season and thought Sasha from Tiki Island, TX (Galveston) was cute also but he has now bit the dust.

  23. xeny

    June 10, 2009 at 5:02 PM

    Uh Grouse Mountain is right next to downtown Vancouver. It’s like taking a helicopter ride from Hollywood to West Hollywood. In other words whats the point? And saying your home town is Vancouver when you are from Alberta is well like saying Los Angeles is your hometown if you are from Seattle – 2 states away.

  24. suez

    June 10, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    Catholicgirl…I am a Jake fan too!!Let’s here it for nice guys. hey, if I lived in Texas I would track his ass down. It’s easy to do on the internet.

  25. Kasthu

    June 11, 2009 at 5:47 PM

    Very good recap!

    Have you read the interview on realitytvworld.com yet? Basically, Dave does what everyone else in Bachelor/ette history has ever done–backtracked on what they said and did during the show. Yeah, OK, I’ll believe that what we saw was only 1% of what he’s really like… or that he didn’t really grab at Jillian’s chest. He was also really hung up on the “someone has a girlfriend” thing. And someone needs to fire the intern who transcribed the interview…

  26. Kasthu

    June 11, 2009 at 5:49 PM

    PS–I really like Reid; he actually seems a bit normal, a great feat considering this group of guys. If he’s still single, I’d date him… we’re from the same city.

  27. terry-pat

    June 12, 2009 at 4:29 AM

    Things are a bit slow around here,so I think I will post,something,anything…Jillian’s hometown is Peace River,not Pearl river…Jake is Adorable,but maybe that is it,he is on AutoPilot,so cute and earnest,but I don’t know if I want a teary eyed pilot.Curling is funny,it can turn into a blood sport,or skill,it can hook you with it’s strategy.Dave is in denial,it is not comfort,when a girl has her boot up on the seat,girls can kick. I will take up for Steve,on the David Carridine comment,he,David should have thought of consequences of those actions,I feel sad for his family and him also.signed thanks for listening to an insomiac,having a bad day.xo

  28. Kathleen

    June 12, 2009 at 1:22 PM

    Awesome recap Steve!!! I was totally laughing my ass off ~ keep up the great reviews!!!

  29. Never2Late

    June 14, 2009 at 4:41 PM

    Just in case you didn’t see this elsewhere, Jillian reuintes with the first crush she mentioned to Reid on the show. He contacts the show, they reconnect, she continues the boring dating of the bachelors and at the very end trots out Mr. Jr. High crush as the first true love lost and found again…happy ending….

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