-I’ve really been out of the loop for the last five or six days having been out of town. So there really isn’t much to address beforehand. The store will continue its sale throughout this week, and if you want your picture up on the site, you can see we’ve added a flickr photo album. Thanks to Holly, DeAnna, Natalie, and Richard for their pics. Good stuff. A lot of you have sent emails over the last week that I probably didn’t get to. My apologies. But I wasn’t really around a computer at all and didn’t want to respond through Blackberry to everyone. And when I got back yesterday, there were just too many to go through pretty much all asking the same questions. So if I have time today, I will get around to them. If not, don’t take it personal.
-The only thing I want to say about last week is I stand by what I did. I was kinda surprised so many people ran with the “do what you do best” comment, when that’s probably the 2nd column in the last 7 years where I didn’t do a recap. Really? And honestly, I planned on doing a regular recap, but when they zipped through 4 hometown dates in the first fifty minutes, and dedicated so much time to butchering Wes’ edit and the return of Ed, I figured that was an appropriate time to bring out the column. And for every negative comment I received regarding what I did, trust me, there were ten emails/comments/facebook posts thanking me for letting them know what really goes on. I think a lot of you need to remember that probably 95% of the “Bachelorette’s” audience does not follow message boards and study screencaps and read blogs. They just tune in every Monday and live their life the rest of the week thinking what they saw was real. Amazing, I know, but it’s the truth. Will I reach all of them? Of course not. Just because you read stuff about the show on the internet, doesn’t mean everyone else does. In fact, you are most definitely in the minority. I think what I wrote helped, and I’m glad I did what I did. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
-The first ten minutes of the show were dedicated to recaps of Jillian’s journey so far with the remaining four guys. Waste of time. Although, what was funny was her just aimlessly walking the streets of Spain as her voice over is telling us all about the four guys. It got me thinking, “What do the Spaniards think of this show?” When they see some Canadian girl walking their streets with cameras following her, are they aware of what crap is being filmed? Do they even get the show out there when we do, or are they just getting around to airing Bob Guiney’s season in Madrid? This I’ve always wondered. I’ve never been to Spain, so I’m clueless to how their prime time TV network schedule looks. My guess? Soccer in the mornings, soccer in the afternoons, and soccer at night. And the nights when soccer isn’t on? Bullfighting. Maybe a “Flamenco Dancing With the Stars” as a reality show. Then once a year you have your special of the “Running of the Bulls” where crazy, lubed up fans try to out run a bunch of charging bulls down narrow streets. Hell of a sport. Where do I sign up? Any sport where the downside is possibly taking a bull’s horn right up your ass and being trampled, consider me out. Call me crazy.
-So Kiptyn is the first one up for a date. Jillian is giddy again, but does have some reservations. “Maybe Kiptyn is out of my league and he isn’t falling for me.” Hmmmm, maybe you’re right. Just kinda funny hearing Jillian say someone is “out of her league”. Since I’m unaware of Jillian’s ex-boyfriends and what they look like, I can’t jump to too many conclusions. Lets just say that Jillian is a lucky woman to be cast this season as the “Bachelorette”, since two others rejected it, yet they tried to play it off like “America fell in love with Jillian.” They did? When? Did I miss something? Do you know how many people I heard in coffee shops and on the streets talking about how they HAD to have Jillian Harris as the next “Bachelorette”? I’ll tell you how many: zero. Just another way for them to peddle their fake love story. And for those interested, ABC has been pushing the “Bachelorette” this season as the third most watched show of the summer. Once again, only half the story. Yes, it is, but that’s because pretty much everything else its up against are repeats. Not a lot of new network shows that get released in the summer. Why do you think they’re running it now? Put Jillian’s season on when shows start up in September, and it’d be about the 20th most watched show.
-Uh oh. More problems in Loveville with Jillian and Kiptyn. When Jillian asks him what he thinks about a possible proposal at the end of all this, he replies, “I think a proposal seems far off at this point in time”. Jillian then goes on to contradict herself by saying, “I am here to get engaged. I want an engagement out of this. I think it’d be fun. But I don’t necessarily have to have one.” Huh? I think Jillian is pretty enamored with the thought of possibly being engaged to on the show because she desperately wants to shut some people up. But hey, it actually seems like Kiptyn has a head on his shoulders. Really? A bachelor who actually thinks that six weeks might be a little too early to drop a proposal on somebody? Where’d casting find this guy, and why did the script call for him to last this long? Make no mistake, the show ALWAYS would like to see a proposal at the end. They can’t force these people to, but there’s definitely incentive thrown out there.
-I’m going to send a lot of you out on a hunt right now. Like I said, I’ve been out of the loop and pretty much away from a computer for the last week, and frankly I just don’t feel like looking for this, but I’m sure some of you will. As far as I know, in every interview I’ve seen or read with Jillian since the season ended taping about a month ago, I have yet to hear her say she is engaged, I have yet to hear her say she is in love, I have yet to hear her say she can’t wait to see the man that she chose again, and I have yet to hear her say she talks to her man every day and they are so happy together. All we’ve gotten is, “I’m happier than I’ve ever been (but not necessarily with another person), the “last five minutes is really good”, and “I’m happy with my decision.” Now, I can’t read everything, and there are some interviews I might have missed, but that’s what I’ve gathered so far. Sounds an awful lot like Brad Womack to me. Jason screamed from the mountain tops before the season even started how in love he was and that he was engaged. DeAnna let us know that she was engaged before the finale. During Andy Baldwin’s season they promoted all along a proposal at the end. Maybe ABC told her to play it coy to not let anything out, maybe not. But I’d be interested if someone could find me an interview she’s given where she said something different than what I listed below and specifically mentions she chose someone, they are happy together, and can’t wait to see each other again. I’ve yet to hear that.
-Time for the embarrassing portion of last nights show: Kiptyn and Jillian flamenco dancing. They walk in to a mini studio where two instructors are waiting for them, Maria and Ricardo. Let me ask you something: What were the odds that two flamenco dance instructors in Madrid, Spain would be named “Maria” and “Ricardo”? 1-to-1? 1-to-5? Could I have gone anywhere and bet on this beforehand? I believe they even said the guitar player’s name was “Paco”. What’s next? Are they going to tell us that “Maria y Ricardo work at the biblioteca?” Or that Maria drives a red car? If I remember anything about high school Spanish class, it was that every female in the text book was named “Maria”, and every male was named “Ricardo”. And I’m sure they had a third friend named “Paco” who liked going to the grocery store to buy “naranjas, platanos, y flan.” Never in the book were they flamenco dance instructors. This disturbs me. You know what else disturbed me? The fact that Jillian couldn’t clap in rhythm. Maria could. Ricardo could. Hell, Kiptyn could even clap in sequence, but there’s Jillian completely spazzing out to a simple clap. That means on next season of “Idol”, she’s going join the mosh pit in front of the stage with the rest of them who are completely out of tune.
-Now these two decide to ride mopeds around town before settling in for some dinner. Personally, I think they should’ve gone the route of “Dumb and Dumber” and had one strapped on to the others back, but that’s just me. At dinner, they discussed Kiptyn’s tight fitting outfit during the dance session. Kiptyn: “I could get the button on the shirt closed, just not the zipper.” Jillian: “You could hurt the boys that way.” Which was a brilliant segue into her next topic of, “Hey, you want kids someday?” Ha ha. Very nice. Kiptyn says he definitely wants kids if he’s able to after having the circulation cut off to the boys earlier in the night. Then I started thinking about the kids these two would have. Short, big noses, and big ears. Outstanding. Get to reproducing you two.
-Jillian now wants to ask him some more hard hitting questions. “If I were to ask your last three ex-girlfriends what’s one thing they’d change about you, what would they say?” Kiptyn: “That I have a twin brother.” Easy there, ego. Lets not get carried away with how awesome you think you are. And there’s enough bad kissing you’ve done on this show to last a lifetime. Do we really need a second version of you terrorizing other women’s mouths? I think not. Jillian then proceeds to tell him something all guys want to here from a potential mate. “You remind me of my dad.” Guys, never tell a woman she reminds you of your mom. And ladies, never tell a guy he reminds you of your dad. There’s just really nothing positive that can come out of that. Jillian then goes to the “You’re too nice” card on him. Basically asks him that because he’s so nice, if they were in a relationship, would he ever challenge her or call her out on something. Frankly, this is a sore subject with me, so when Kiptyn says he would totally do that, she agrees. If only she believed it. I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and it seems that when you do call them out and challenge them, they don’t like it. So it’s a lose-lose situation. You keep your mouth shut, and you’re too nice. You challenge them, and it turns into a fight. That blows.
-So for whatever reason, we’re gonna bust out the date cards in Spain as well as Hawaii. “Welcome to the romantic city of Madrid. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms for the evening, please use this key to enjoy your night together in the fantasy suite. Chris.” I hated the date cards coming out this early because it’s so contrived. So I’m supposed to applaud Jillian for turning down all the guys on the overnight date in Spain, knowing that a week later in real time, she’s going to use the overnight date cards on Reid, Ed, and Kiptyn? So dumb. Jillian: “I don’t think I’m ready to spend the entire night with somebody.” Oh, but you will be the next time you see them in Hawaii? Please. Her and Kiptyn did go up to the room and play tonsil hockey since he left with his hair all disheveled, but because he didn’t actually stay the night, I’m expected to view Jillian as some virgin princess? No thanks. That was so staged in advance.
-Next up is Reid’s date in Seville, Spain. According to Jillian, they are going to have “wine, cheeses, hang out in the park, and make out.” What a wonderful day in Seville, Spain for that. Two Americans (well, one American and one Canadian) fondling each other in a park to be televised back in the States. I can’t see why the local Sevillians would have any problem with that. I could tell you one guy who definitely had a problem with them: the meat guy in the grocery store. He must’ve been like, “What the hell did I just get myself into?” The guy has probably been serving meats for 30 years in that shop, all the sudden an American film crew shows up with two idiots who don’t speak a lick of Spanish trying to order a meal for twelve. We get it, you don’t speak the language, and when trying to order, you’re trying to be funny. Reid: “Soy grande.” Thanks for that, Reid. Has nothing to do with any sort of sandwich you’re ordering. Might as well have dropped on them, “Soy guapo”, which is what I most certainly would’ve done. It’s the only thing I remember from Spanish class.
-Jillian: “Reid is not the guy I saw myself with, I’m not gonna lie.” Uh oh. Didn’t we hear that from DeAnna when speaking about Jesse? I think we did. Reid says his family loved her, but it always takes him a while to tell someone how he’s feeling. Reid is the guy this season that has a hard time opening up and is a little weary about the whole situation. Whether or not that works for or against him only time will tell, but, he does seem a bit nervous about the whole thing. Reid: “It could be love, but I’m not there yet to say it to her. I move so slow with these things. Physically, I’m attracted to her. Mentally I’m there. I just need to take time.” Well, we get one of these guys every season. Can he open up in time before she lets him go? There’s Reid’s storyline this season. Kiptyn’s is as the heartbreaker who’s never had his heart broken. And Ed’s is the guy who was told he’d be leaving the show only to be brought back so they could create drama. And of course, Wes is the villain who they throw under the bus with the butchered editing job.
-The date card comes out for these two and Reid gives the most honorable answer he can. “I’ll just do whatever you want to do.” Oh, ok. Pin it all on her. It was here where he started to mention how he gets bothered by her kissing all the other guys. Earlier in the day, Jillian had told Reid she’s not one of those girls that constantly needs to know the answer to things, and doesn’t need to constantly ask why you feel certain ways about things. Yet after Reid tells her he feels uncomfortable with her kissing the other guys, she comes back with, “Why? Tell me, tell me.” Yeah, I’m sure that won’t get annoying after, oh I don’t know, a week? However, Reid has got to know what this show is about by this point. She takes four guys to Spain, she makes out with four guys (well, I guess except Wes), then she’ll take three of you to Hawaii, she’ll make out, grope, fondle, explore body parts with all three of you, then when it’s down to two, she chooses (we’re assuming), the one who she feels most comfortable with in a hot tub. She figured once she did that with Jason, she was all his. But that’s not what the script called for, uhhhhhh, I mean Jason had to go with his heart. That changed two months later.
-Reid: “She has my heart. As neurotic as I am, as much as I 2nd guess things, I’m confident in my relationship with Jillian.” Ummmm, I don’t really know what the hell that means. I guess as confident as one can be who knows she’s getting frisky next week with two other guys in Hawaii. Or is he just saying, “Look, I know every time I go to the bathroom, I can’t leave without washing each hand 37 times, and that I’d love to be given a year supply of Purell as a parting gift from this show if Jillian doesn’t pick me in the end, but yeah, I’m pretty confident I’m going all the way. And if not, my real estate business got some free pub. And if they ever decide to do a ‘Friends’ reunion show and Matthew Perry doesn’t sign on for it, I could always fill in.” Remember how in the beginning of the season I said Reid looked like someone and I couldn’t put my finger on it? Well, I’ve gotten more emails from people suggesting who he looks like, and you should see how long this list is. Maybe I’ll share all the suggestions I got next week. Unbelievable how many different emails I got suggesting who Reid looks like. The list is at least 15 names long. And only one of them named the person I finally figured out who it was he resembled: PGA Tour player David Toms. Google him. You’ll see the uncanny resemblance.
-Since ABC was too cheap to give Ed a date in a different city (or Reid, however you want to look at it), Ed gets his date in the sloppy seconds city of Seville as well. I’m sure it still smells like Reid’s hand soap everywhere they go. Ed immediately explains himself during a horse carriage ride. Sort of. “I got home and I’m like, ‘What am I doing?’ I need more time. I couldn’t get you off my mind. I had to come back somehow.” Of course, no mention whatsoever about how he was the first ever contestant in 18 seasons to actually leave the show, fly back to his hometown (which has been confirmed by people in Chicago), only to show back up again to re-enter the competition. And without a good explanation either. Even fellow contestants didn’t even know he was allowed to do it. Our boy Michael Stagliano, who was booted last week, even said as much in his exit interview last week. Check out what he had to say:
-Jillian asks Ed, “What would it have been like if I would’ve gotten to go home with you?” Well, for one, I’m sure he would’ve taken you to all the pretty sights and sounds that Chicago has to offer. You guys could’ve taken in a Cubs game and sang “Go Cubs Go! Go Cubs Go! Hey Chicago, whaddya’ say, Cubs are gonna win today!” afterwards. Maybe taken you to the Sears Tower since that’s such a historic landmark. Then to cap it all off, I’m sure he would’ve introduced you to the numerous girls he’s bedding in the Chicago area all while pretending to be single on the show. That would’ve made for some great television. Boy, you do enough digging you find out some really interesting stuff about these people. Too bad they gave Wes the hatchet job on the editing. Probably should’ve been Easy Eddie and his minions of girls waiting for him back in Chicago not knowing what the hell is going on. Of course, none of this will ever get brought up at the “Men Tell All” episode. It’ll be the Dave/Juan show, and the “Butcher Wes’ edit even more” episode.
-The producers decide to show us how much of a physical chemistry these two have, and give us more of Hypocritical Jillian, by showing us them making out in every possible landmark in Seville. This is the first alone time she’s spent with a guy who essentially ditched her for work, then came back unannounced, yet before getting into all the questions she would need to ask somebody who pulled this stunt, she can’t keep her tongue of her mouth. Yeah, she really seems to be struggling with what Ed did. If she’s not careful, he might actually have to explain himself. But not before climaxing a few times apparently. Geesh. Get a room you two. Oh wait, that’s later. But for the time being, it’s make out city in Seville. Jillian: “I can’t stop making out with Ed.” They even jump into a fountain, roll up their pants, and make out in front of a group of people looking on probably adding more fuel to the fire of why they hate Americans. Hell, if I lived there and saw that, I’d hate us too. Get out of the fountain you two, you look ridiculous. I know the producers told you to do that, but geez, could you at least have shown a little restraint? Really? Making out in the fountain? It’s not like you just accepted a proposal either. There’s still three other guys left. Sometime this show makes me want to vomit. Ok, all the time.
-Ed: “I need to show her I’m a trusting person.” Yes you do. Can your girlfriends back home back you up on that one? Just curious. Ed asks Jillian, “How open are you to living somewhere else?” Jillian is open to the the idea since the thought of living in Vancouver pretty much makes Ed want to hurl. He mentions that he can see them being together a long time, taking in Cubs’ games, and just enjoying life together. Jillian chimes in she knows nothing about baseball. Shocker. I thought she could reel off Alfonso Soriano’s awful stats from this season. Or that she likes Carlos Zambrano’s stuff, but doesn’t know why he has to blow a gasket every other start. She really seemed like the type who could break down why its better to have Carlos Marmol setting up Kevin Gregg rather than the other way around. Wow. I really misjudged you Jillian. I apologize. How about while in you’re in Chicago, you go visit my crush from last season Nikki and ask her if she can come in and replace you as the “Bachelorette”? Like, ummmm, now. Two episodes left, just let her take over from here so I can watch the rest of this season with the volume and my pants down. Been a while since I used that one.
-The date card comes out for her and Ed. Something I didn’t really understand was her telling all the guys that she wasn’t ready for it, but not telling any of them, “Hey, just to let you know, I’m turning you down, but I’m also turning the rest of the guys down.” I think I would’ve done that if I were her just to set the guys minds at ease. Although, there’s a strong possibility she did tell them that but they never showed it to us. Because, well, they’re known for that sort of thing. These two actually did decide to use the room for the night since they had some “catching up to do” due to the script calling for Ed to leave earlier this season and come back. But Jillian assures us that the “clothes will stay on”. Like we have any idea if that’s true or not. People will believe what they want to believe happens behind closed doors. Personally do I think sex happens? Yes. That’s what horny people that are attracted to each other do. They have sex. Does it happen with all of them? Not sure. I guess it’s up to each individual person to choose to do it with whoever they choose to do it with. Sorry, I don’t have those answers. And I’m guessing you’ll never get any of them to actually admit it any way, so its pure speculation.
-Next up is a date in Barcelona with Wes. Here’s where it gets tricky. Already a lot of you are on my case asking, “So how did Wes get the bad edit job this week? Huh? Huh? Huh?” I don’t know how to answer that other than to say he did. What they did to him this week was just as easily edited as it was last week. And the week before. And the week before. It is very apparent that ABC set out to have a particular storyline with Wes’ character and they were going to edit things he said, splice them together, and get what they wanted. Although, I did find the “I have a song from my 2nd album that’s #2 in Chihuahua, Mexico” rather humorous. He definitely said that. Why? I have no idea. But it was funny. I really can’t recap Wes’ date because nothing that we were shown I believe really happened. I think them sitting at dinner and having their conversation spliced up into soundbites was ridiculous. They had an agenda with him for whatever reason, and he got thrown under the bus. There’s a big difference between feeding guys and girls alcohol, then recording all their worst moments and airing them, and to purposely putting words together in sentences from different time parts to make them say something they didn’t. Totally different.
-As you know I think Wes is getting one of the worst edits this show has ever done, and it’s nearly impossible to comment on what happened on his date, at the rose ceremony, and in the limo afterwards. I can easily see how everything he said in the limo was edited, it’s not very hard. They can cut and splice anything together and make it sound like one normal sentence without a change in pitch or tone. I’d really like to get to the bottom of this whole situation. Stay tuned the next couple days and I’ll see what I can come up with.
-Time for the rose ceremony. Three guys in suits, and Wes in jeans and a jacket. Kinda reminded me when Graham got the boot at the final four. Totally underdressed for the occasion, but, for what reason we’ll never know. Jillian: “This is one of the best weeks in my life. Never been to Europe before. Or Spain for that matter. No idea I’d have the feelings I have right now. Except for Wes. So after I give out the first two roses, and it’s between Wes and Kiptyn, there will be zero suspense since it’s obvious who is going home. Let’s just see if I can do this right without Chris Harrison here to help me. He’s probably getting another comped room and meal by one of these hotels. Bastard.”
Ed: I hope your women back home bought the “Hey, I gotta go to Texas for work” line.
Reid: Lets see how they actually depict his “bedroom malfunction” next week. I’m guessing it’ll be 100% different than how they portrayed it earlier this season. Funny how they didn’t even mention it in previews for next weeks episode.
Kiptyn: Like Wes stood a chance by this point.
-So yes, Wes did have one of the all-time great limo departures in show history. Some highlights?
“How you gonna lose to Reid? That boy’s a retard.”
“Those boys couldn’t get a nibble from the women in Texas.”
“I’m the first guy in Bachelorette history to make it to the final four with a girlfriend”
I know some of you are absolutely hanging on every one of those words and are positive those couldn’t have been edited, trust me I’ve seen your emails, but I’m here to tell you they were. Let me see what I can do and I promise I will get back to you this week.
Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Stay tuned for more. It’s coming.