Not until the last few seasons have I gotten into the “spoiler” aspect of the “Bachelor/ette”. As I mentioned before, once the Jason/Molly/Melissa thing fell into my lap, people have been coming to me expecting to know everything. I know a lot of things, but I certainly don’t know everything. However this season, things are in place for me to know a little bit more than in past seasons. Just giving you a heads up. Like for instance, even though filming hasn’t started yet, I know that one of the early season dates will be at Sea World in San Diego. Lovely. Jake riding on the back of Shamu. Think that’ll bring him to tears? I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks someone to marry him right there. Basically what I’m saying is more information will be delivered as it becomes available to me. So yes, you will get my column every Tuesday morning starting January 5th with the usual snark and sarcasm, but will also be finding things out when I find them out.
Lets immediately get down to business, and that’s the fact that they haven’t even started filming yet, and already the lies have started. If I’m not mistaken, the meet and greets will start either tonight or Thursday night, but filming definitely starts this week. However, lets backtrack real quick to this whole announcement of Jake being named the “Bachelor”. A few weeks ago when Chris Harrison tweeted that “Kiptyn, Reid, and Jake were all finalists” and that the announcement would be made on Oct. 13th, don’t think for a second he didn’t already know who it was going to be. And then last week, Jake tried to throw all his Facebook friends off by posting this B.S.:
“Reid, Kiptyn and I are all being considered. I tend to lean towards Reid bc he had so much more TV time, which leads to more fans and higher rating. Sorry guys, its just a rumor.”
Uh, huh. Sure it is, Jake. Lets face it, the guy lied through his teeth. I understand he can’t go on there and say, “Hey, they chose me”, but why not just go the route of “I can’t say one way or another. Thanks for all the support”? If you honestly believe last week when Jake posted that he didn’t know he was the next “Bachelor”, then I don’t know what to tell you. He knew. And he’s already lying. Already doing what they’re telling him. Really creative of him to try and throw people off and lead them in Reid’s direction. Wow. How long did it take him to come up with that? Or did he even come up with it himself? I’m very curious this season to see how many things he says or does on his own, and how many are orchestrated by the powers that be who are controlling him like a puppet.
And if you think the lying just started, it didn’t. This all started back during Jillian’s season. Let me ask you this: Do any of you honestly believe that after Jillian eliminated Jake, he went home by himself, talked to no one, yet was so infuriated by what he thought was Wes having a girlfriend, that he decided on his own terms, and with the help from NO ONE, that he would try and come back on the show? Really? You do? Cool. I’ve got some land to sell you then. Jake was coerced/approached/nudged by the show, told to come back so they could continue the “Wes has a girlfriend” BS (which was never proven of course), and in return, was given a little nudge of, “Hey, you do this for us, we’ll definitely consider you for the Bachelor.” Problem is, they do that to a lot of the guys. They tell a lot of them, “Hey, do this or do that, and you can be the next Bachelor”. Of course, some guys do and some guys don’t. The bottom line is Jake was chosen because they know they can get him to do whatever they want. Why? Because its been his lifelong dream to be the “Bachelor”.
Has there ever been in a guy in “Bachelor” history that wanted to be the “Bachelor” worse than Jake Pavelka? The answer is no. You heard it straight from Wes’ mouth in one of the interviews I did with him a couple months ago. Jake specifically told him during filming last season that he wanted “America to fall in love with him so he could be the next Bachelor.” (Along with God telling him to come back and confront Jillian about Wes). Of course, plenty of you discredit anything Wes says because you believe the propaganda that the show put out last season, and that’s fine. Just know it’s true. More than one person can corroborate that story. Also, lets not forget this guy is an actor. He has an acting past. It’s not like he couldn’t pull it off. Remember the “Men Tell All” last season when they had a female from the audience (pre-planned of course) ask Jake, “Would you want to be the next ‘Bachelor'”? Remember how he went into his “Oh gosh golly darn gee” routine when answering? Complete B.S. The guy knew he wanted to be the “Bachelor”, lobbied to be the “Bachelor”, and got his wish. So I guess some credit goes to Jake for setting out to achieve a goal, and then getting it.
And holy sh**! “On the Wings of Love”????? That’s what they’re calling this season???? Even Tom Bergeron was chuckling under his breath when he had to announce that last night. What an embarrassment. This brings up quite a dilemma: What was the worst title for a “Bachelor” season? Andy Baldwin’s “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, or Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love?” Ummmmm, it’s a landslide. “On the Wings of Love” might be the stupidest f***ing thing this show has ever done, and that’s saying a whole hell of a lot. That’s an insult to Jeffrey Osborne. I can’t believe he signed off on that.
As I said last column, I don’t really care who they cast. I’m gonna write my column regardless. But I think this works out well since as boring and goody two-shoes as Jake is, I think this’ll be pure comedy. I’m counting the seconds til this season starts. This guy has already broken the record for most times a “Bachelor” has cried, and the season hasn’t even begun filming. That’s how awesome/awful it will be. It’s funny to hear the reaction from the Jake haters out there. Seriously? Who actually watches this show because of the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” they cast? Very few. You watch the show for the interaction with the Bachelor and the 25 bachelorettes. You watch the show for the cattiness and the fights and the drama. As many people as I hear say, “Oh my God, not Jake! So boring. I’m not watching this season”, I call BS. You’ll watch, just not because of him. Because you love a good train wreck just like everyone else. The show has been the EXACT SAME THING for 18 seasons, and you watched other seasons. What makes this any different? They had some real King Douchenozzles on past seasons and you were watching. So yeah, a couple people turn off their TVs. It’s not like this show is gonna go from 10 million viewers down to 5 million. Not gonna happen. It’s been on 18 seasons now. They know what they’re doing. You’re watching for the formula that the show has produced, not specifically for individual people. And that formula being the fairy tale ending, the cat fights, the drama, the romantic, over-the-top, never-happen-to-normal-couples dates, etc. So I just laugh when people tell me they’re not gonna watch because some person they don’t like was cast. Then why did you watch other seasons? They’re all the same. Every season. Same concept. You’re watching for the story, not the people.
Remember, just because you think Jake is boring and lame, doesn’t mean millions of other people do. Sure, plenty of you dislike Jake and wish Reid or Kiptyn or someone new would’ve been the “Bachelor”. And if Reid were picked, people would complain about him. And Kiptyn, same thing. And if they went with someone new, you’d be complaining why wasn’t it Reid, or Kiptyn, or Jake. The faÃ§ade that is Jake Pavelka as the “Bachelor” was done for one reason and one reason only: He will do EXACTLY what they tell him to do. Hell, he already did by posting that bogus Facebook status last week when he knew damn well he was the “Bachelor”. I don’t think Reid and Kiptyn were interested in that.
This is a TV show. It’s fake. Nothing about it is real. So they are creating storylines and characters when they cast for this season. Jake fit their “casting” the best. If they were really trying to find true love for Jake, why were the 25 bachelorettes already chosen before they even decided on Jake? Because they don’t care about creating a love story. It’s a television show. If a marriage comes out of it, that’s just a bonus, but it’s certainly not the goal they set out for. They set out for drama. Drama=ratings, ratings=money. 18 seasons and 1 marriage. How could a show be on the air that long if it’s “goal” is to produce a marriage and they’ve done it once? Because people still keep watching, that’s how.
Lets make one thing clear: I don’t hate Jake. Hate is a pretty strong word. I don’t hate anybody. Well, maybe except Speidi. But just because I trash this show on a weekly basis and make fun of the things these people do and say, I don’t hate them. How can I hate someone I don’t even know? I think long time readers of this column (coming up on 8 years now) understand that distinction. However, there are the Johnny-come-latelys (basically everyone that found me after the Jason/Molly/Melissa fiasco), that still don’t quite get me. That’s fine. I’m not for everyone. I get that. But just don’t take everything I say about them so seriously. And I’m talking about when I joke around and poke fun. Some of you get waaaaaaaay too worked up over stuff I say when it’s all for fun and games. I don’t hate these people. Ed, Jillian, Jason, Molly, Jake, Chris Harrison, etcâ€¦I don’t know these people on a personal level, so for me to say I despise or hate them would be ridiculous. I don’t. I just tend to look at their behavior on television a little differently than most people and have a forum to express it. That’s all. In the grand scheme of things, they are about as inconsequential as anything. I’ve never understood people that get so worked up over this show and its contestants. Who cares? You’ll probably never meet these people in your life, so what’s the point of worrying about something they did on television? Get over it.
Since a few bachelors from Jillian’s season have been quite outspoken once their season ended, I wanted to see if I could get a reaction from them regarding Jake being announced as the next “Bachelor”. I contacted three people: Reid, Tanner, and Wes.
Reid’s response: “No comment”. Thanks Reid. Try not to be so wordy next time.
Wes told me, “Its no secret Jakes goal was to be the “Bachelor.” He got what he wanted. I wish him the best.” Translation: Don’t let God down. He told you he’ll be watching. Never want to disappoint the big guy.
As for Tanner, he had a field day. Here’s what he had to say:
“Jake as the next bachelor…Hooooray! That is if you like the non-sense of humor, cookie cutter, habitual, systematic, unexceptional type. Jake takes the suspense out of the Bachelor. It’s not going to be a guessing game, everyone will have super power knowledge of 100% predictability of what is to come each and every week w/ Jake. However, that is not my cup of tea. Jake fell hard and way fast for Jilly Bean and he fits right into the hands of what Fleiss and ABC want for this season of The Bachelor…A MARRIAGE!
This season, Fleiss will not accept anything less than a marriage in my opinion. Just look at the success rate for actual marriages coming from the show…they are almost non-existent. It is hard to get to know someone in such a short time but Jake has already proven that he is somehow willing and able to fall madly in love w/ someone in the blink of an eye.
I can already hear Harrision saying “For the first time in Bachelor history, we have chosen the most conventional, methodical, run-of-the-mill, goofy, and typical All American Boy, Jake. So tune in to find out who he chooses to join his mile high club on this season of “The Bachelor.”
C’mon Tanner. Tell us how you really feel.
I also asked Jeremy Anderson what he thought. His response: “Oh boy”, an obvious mimic of Jake’s favorite catch phrase.
So in closing, I just wanted to say to ABC: Your show is a joke, your new “Bachelor” is a joke, no one should believe a single thing that happens this season is real, and I cannot wait until January 4th to watch this unmitigated disaster of a show begin so I can completely annihilate the farce that it is.
T-minus 82 days and counting. Game on!
I will return Friday with a “Reality Roundup” and other things. Gotta talk about the “Hills”, the “City”, “DWTS”, “Survivor”, the “Ruins”, “Leave it to Lamas”, and a few other tidbits. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at email@example.com. See you Friday.