WARNING: This is the longest column I’ve ever written. Please, take your time and read all of it. I’ve come to realize that most of you skip around and miss some important subjects, then ask about things I’ve already covered. I know it’s long and drawn out. But if there was ever a column not to skim through, it’s this one. Please. It’s for your own good. And my sanity.
TONS of stuff to get to before we start this week’s column. I mean, A LOT. Almost seven pages on Microsoft Word worth of info. I need to get this off my chest first. I know you all are very anxious to read my columns on Tuesdays, and I appreciate that very much. I realize the site going down the last few weeks is frustrating. Trust me, it’s 1,000 times more frustrating for me than it is for you. With that said, I would greatly appreciate if everyone would kindly back off the emails and FB wall posts saying, “Hey, your site is down. Is something wrong? Did ABC get to you?” I’m well aware of the technical difficulties my site has been having this season and you have no idea how much it bothers me. No idea. So please, out of respect, I’m well aware of my site’s technical problems. I would appreciate not being reminded about it every ten seconds by an email or Facebook wall post.
In a nutshell, the server I’m using isn’t big enough to hold the amount of traffic I’m getting and keeps crashing it. So we are in the process of transferring over to a bigger server. I don’t know how long this will take. When you can read the site (as you are now), it means that traffic isn’t as high. That’s why the site is crapping out on Tuesdays, because that’s when the highest traffic is. So please, bear with me through this, and eventually we will get to a point when the site never goes down and you can read it every time you go it. But right now, we are in transition mode. Sometimes it will load right away, and sometimes it won’t at all. Just because you are reading the site right now doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll be working in an hour when you try again. Or later tonight. This is an ongoing process. Hell, if I were you and you can read it now, I would cut and paste the thing and save it somewhere else just to be safe. I am well aware of every single time my site goes down. I apologize immensely. I’m just asking politely that you don’t remind me about it every chance you can get. Thank you.
Next order of business is obviously the Ella situation from last night. The minute Jake handed her a rose, I knew the emails and FB wall posts were coming. And boy did they ever. I added it up last night and this morning. As of this writing, I’ve had 376 emails (UPDATE: over 500 now) wall posts, or comments all saying essentially the same thing, “I thought you said Ella was going home last night. What happened?” So yeah, if the “Hey, your website is down” emails weren’t enough, we had the Ella ones on top of it. Here’s what I’ll say about that: I misinterpreted the information I was given and am off by a week. Ella goes home next week. It was my mistake, my source wasn’t wrong, and I take full responsibility for it, and that’s that. If you honestly think that the rest of the information I gave you this season is wrong now because I was off by a week regarding Ella, I don’t know what to tell you. Keep believing that. I’m here to tell you it’s not. Let’s remember what I gave you already which proved to be true (these are all documented on the site in past columns):
-Before filming of this season even started, I told you there would be a date (group date or 1-on-1 at Sea World) – TRUE
-I told you about six weeks ago that there would be a group date at a comedy club – TRUE
– Elizabeth would be getting the rose on the group date at Magic Mtn – TRUE
– Rozlyn would be getting the rose on the In Style Photo Shoot date – TRUE
– Ali would get the first 1 on 1 and a rose – TRUE
-Michelle would be sent home during the middle of her group date at the Comedy Club by Jake – TRUE
-Later on this season, Jake will send both girls home on a 2 on 1 date – WILL HAPPEN
-Announced the order of elimination of F4/3/2/1 – WILL HAPPEN
So I think I’ve proven that my info is solid this season. And I’ll repeat, the info I was given on Ella was MY fault, not my sources. I spoke with them last night and I just misinterpreted what they said. Essentially, I jumped to a conclusion, and I did it on the wrong date. No excuses on my part. But Ella’s gone next week. I’m actually surprised so many people think because I was off a week on the Ella elimination that it means I was given false information and now they’re questioning if everything else I was told was wrong. Did you jump to conclusions on the final two or final one? No, I didn’t. Trust me, the last thing I’m concerned with is being wrong about the Final Four and their order of elimination. I guess you have every right to doubt it, but I’m here to tell you that’s how it shakes down. I’m 100% certain based on what was told to me about the Final Four. Once again, I’m not predicting what I THINK will happen, or saying what I WANT TO or MIGHT happen, this IS what happens. Write it down and commit it to memory. I know about .00001% of you are Vienna fans, but sorry, she is the final one this season.
I’m assuming a lot of you who email me and post on my Facebook wall are readers of the column, right? I mean, how else would you know who I am and why would you be contacting me? With that said, in last Tuesday’s column (2nd to last paragraph), I told everyone about the Tenley situation regarding the “I’m pregnant” statement she made to Jake. Well, leading up to last night, you have no idea how many emails and FB posts I got again saying the same thing, “Hey, I just saw a promo from ABC with Tenley saying she’s pregnant. Do you know anything about this?” Well, yes. I told you all the story last week. I understand that my posts are very long and I ramble, however, most of the questions I get in email (especially that one), I’ve already answered in the column. So please, read carefully at the things I say. I have no problem answering your emails and getting your feedback, but when it comes to something I’ve already written about in my column, sorry, I’m usually not going to respond to it. I hope you can understand that.
ABC promo’ed that Tenley soundbite all last week during commercials, I had two websites contact me saying, “Hey, do you know about this pregnancy thing?”, and I saw EXTRA TV even promote last night’s episode as such. Then last night, they don’t even show the clip of Tenley saying “I’m pregnant” and they never address it. Obviously it was purposely done so the ABC hype machine would get people talking and tune in to their show. I’ll say is this: That clip wasn’t believable from the get-go because it was Tenley uttering the “I’m pregnant” line. Gia? Sure. Vienna? Hell, he probably impregnated her in St. Lucia. But Tenley was the one that chose to say it as a joke/ice breaker. Here’s the video clip that wasn’t shown last night:
I mean this is the same girl, who now in two of the three episodes, has told us she held out sex until marriage, and her ex-husband is the only man she’s been with in her life. Did people honestly think that Tenley was really pregnant? Really? REALLY? The gullibility of some of the viewers of this show amazes me sometimes. So to repeat, this clip was from before Tenley gave her speech to Jake last night about her divorce. I didn’t see any harm done. It was playful humor that got Jake to laugh on a stressful night. There was nothing mean spirited about it. It was actually pretty funny.
I want to acknowledge something that I completely forgot to mention in Friday’s column, and that’s the fact that one of our previous “Bachelor’s” marriage has ended. According to reports, Bob Guiney and his hot wife Rebecca Budig are calling it quits after five years. True, their relationship didn’t start on the show, but it’s always worth noting when any of the former contestants have a marriage or relationship hit the skids. I have no first hand knowledge of exactly what happened between these two, but here’s my guess. She’s Rebecca Budig and she realized she was married to Bob Guiney. The end.
With the announcement of the “Bachelor Pad” last week, I spent some time this weekend thinking about what type of competitions this show will need to put the other contestants through. I mean, nothing is really finalized yet, so I think my ideas should be taken in to consideration. Boy, I can’t wait for this. Chris Harrison doing his best Jeff Probst impersonation during the “challenges”. “Bachelors win reward!” (A lot of bare-skin chest bumping, some man hugs, and some awkward high-fiving). Should be a blast. Anyway, here are some competitions I’ve come up with.
“Name that Retailer”: This is where the teams are given a buzzer, Chris Harrison walks out in his latest designer shirt and skinny jeans, and the first team blurt out “Banana Republic”, “Nordstrom’s”, or “Macy’s” wins. Seems simple enough.
“The Csincsak Experience”: Teams are shown a quick five second clip of Jesse Csincsak appearing on some channel doing something, and they have to guess whether it was pre-“Bachelorette” or post-“Bachelorette”. Bonus points if they guess how much he got paid for it.
“Guess that Twin”: (This will only work if Holly, DeAnna and their boyfriends the Stagliano brothers are cast). Pretty simple competition. Holly and DeAnna give the rest of the teams clues about their boyfriends and the teams must guess either “Michael”, “Stephen”, or “Neither”. Example: “Which one got paid to pimp his sunglasses while on the show?” Answer: “Neither”. (That was Jesse).
“The Pick-Up Artist”: Former contestant Dave Good from Jillians season is served a ton of alcohol. They let him loose at a bar to start hitting on women. Surveillance cameras are everywhere and everyone at the house is watching live as he tries to hit on women. While it’s happening, teams have to guess whether: A) a woman will accept his advances, B) they’ll reject his advances, or C) they’ll reject his advances by mace-ing him, kicking him in the nuts, and calling the cops. This could be a tricky one.
“You’ve Been Fleissed!”: Clips from past seasons are shown where Fleiss and his minions have thrown people under the bus with their editing skills. Contestants must answer what the person really said as opposed to what was spliced together to make them look like an idiot. Bonus category: Which team can name all the former female contestants Mike Fleiss has played tonsil hockey with at the “Women Tell All” after parties.
Speaking of our boy Mike Fleiss, I found this interview on YouTube over the weekend. The whole video is only 3 ½ minutes long, but it’s only the first minute and a half you need to pay attention to. Basically talks about why people are so interested in watching the “Bachelor”. WARNING: Watch at your own discretion. He’s a creepy looking fella’.
My favorite line in the whole thing: “I don’t think people really care what the end result is if the story is interesting enough. And so, whether or not the couple gets married at the end I think is immaterial.” So the creator of the show just admitted to his viewing audience essentially that the journey is much more interesting/entertaining than the end result. Yet, so many people are finding it hard to believe that things like the Rozlyn scandal, the Jason/Molly/Melissa ending, and the Ed leaving then returning and being the final one are all happening naturally and there’s no coercing being done behind the scenes? Oh, ok. All you need to use is a little common sense to see what’s going on here. I love this guy constantly putting his foot in his mouth every time he speaks.
I’ve never really paid much attention to the red carpet shows during award seasons since, well, that stuff is for women. There’s a reason all your tabloid mags this week will be filled with pages of pages of women in their dresses and jewelry, while all the talk shows will dedicate their shows to what people were wearing. And here’s a hint: It’s not because straight men care. Those shows are geared towards women and only women. However, I had some time to kill before “24” premiered, so I headed on over to the TV Guide Channel (yes, there is something called the TV Guide Channel) because as you know (or may not know), their red carpet show is hosted by none other than Chris Harrison and Carrie Ann Inaba from “Dancing With the Stars”. I’ve never watched them before, and needless to say, probably won’t ever again. Chris has been around the business for a while, he kinda knows what he’s doing, so he was fine to me. I’m not gonna rip the guy since that’s seriously one of the worst gigs you can do. It’s so pointless and stupid and you essentially ask every person the same thing. It makes for some incredibly awkward exchanges. So in that aspect, it’s like watching the “Bachelor”. You’re just waiting for some trainwreck to happen, except this is on live TV.
However, my point in this is, Carrie Ann Inaba has no business doing this show. She is TERRIBLE. I saw her interview four different people, and it was painful to watch. She had her notes in her hand that she constantly kept looking down to, and every person she talked to, at some point, they had an “awkward” moment. Like, either she didn’t really know who that person was, or didn’t know what to ask them, or in the case of Joshua Jackson, he didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. And of course Carrie Ann would just laugh everything off like she does on “DWTS”. I don’t know how many of you caught this, but for comedy’s sake, check out Chris and Carrie’s red carpet show next time when they do the Oscar’s. She is not a polished TV host to say the least. The fumbling of her lines, the constant looking at her cue cards in her hand, the not knowing who the hell she’s talking to, and the “I don’t really know what to ask you” questions she had. Funny and painful all at the same time.
Speaking of Chris, he spoke out about how he handled himself during his 1-on-1 with Rozlyn since I, and many others, questioned the vagueness and ambiguity of everything that came out of his mouth. Of course, now he says he should’ve done it all differently. Kinda easy to say all this after the fact, isn’t it? I don’t know what’s happening with Rozlyn and the “Women Tell All”, but something tells me she’s either not gonna be allowed to show up (like Wes), or if she does, they will edit the hell out of her to keep their side of the story in touch. This is all, of course, considering that Rozlyn would even agree to do it, which I highly doubt. You think in a million years Chris Harrison would ever agree to do a live, unedited, 1-on-1, sit down interview with Rozlyn on a network of her choosing along with her own camera crew? Not a chance in hell. So why would Rozlyn go on the “Women Tell All” and step into that pit of alligators? Doesn’t make any sense. I can’t in a million years see her going back on that show unless it’s under her terms, which they’ll never agree to because they have a show to produce and they’ve gotta continue to make her look as bad as they did last week to continue their “storyline”. Now, FINALLY, on to last night…
-Why did it seem like Chris Harrison’s hair was grey last night? Or was it just me? He came out to talk to the ladies and I thought we was gonna need a walker. Chris earns that fat paycheck of his by telling them what the dates are this week: Two 1-on-1’s and a group date. Then leaves. Wow. Hope that wasn’t too much to handle in one day Chris. You sure you’re alright? Need another few days off to recover after that? I tell you what you do. Go help Carrie Ann practice her hosting skills cuz she needs it. Badly. You’re already a perfectionist. You can bang on a wine glass like its nobody’s business, can count backwards using roses, and have such a way with words to vaguely and ambiguously throw people under the bus. You’re the best, my man. Well, except for Probst. Someday maybe you’ll reach that pinnacle. Some day.
-Vienna gets the first 1-on-1 date and we have our first “accident” of the season. During Ali’s ITM talking about how she was a little jealous of Vienna now getting time with him, we see Ali on the bed in a white bikini top. Trust me, I rewatched this at least ten times. It was not a mini microphone in her top that maybe was the cause for what I saw. I know what I saw. It was a nipple. Twice. Apparently no one bothered to tell her that her bikini top wasn’t pushed all the way over, and if you really studied it like it was the last nipple you’d see on earth (like I did), you would definitely notice two consecutive ¼ nipple shots on Ali’s left breast. Hey, I’m here to help. You can thank me later. So Vienna and Jake take off on his motorcycle for their adventurous date. We knew it was going to be bungee jumping off a bridge. We just didn’t know how petrified both would be. And can you blame them? Sorry. Not for me. No interest in ever doing that in my life. I’d rather not consider the alternative, thank you.
-Here’s something interesting I wanted to point out about the Jake/Vienna date. For two episodes, we haven’t seen anything that would make the viewing audience think he chooses her in the end. Hell, no one even likes the girl. But did you notice last night how they started planting the seed that, “You know what? I can see Jake picking her.” I certainly did. As corny as it was, the clichés like “She’s the life of a party…Never dated anyone like that…I was out of my comfort zone…Relationships is all about risk taking…Gotta have that solid rock foundation…Trust…Bond” blah blah blah, it was obvious what they were doing. I certainly noticed it. I think Jake’s first 1-on-1 time was a hell of a lot more intense than anything he did with Ali last week. They biked, took a helicopter ride (both things Vienna did), then had a picnic and watched a concert. Jake and Vienna were put into a situation that forces you build a strong bond/trust/connection/whatever awfully quick. Yes, this is Dr. Reality Steve at his finest.
-What I’m trying to get at is I think it’s safe to assume that the way Jake and Vienna’s relationship really started (this date), makes a little more sense as to why he chose her in the end. A LOT of sense? No. I still know for a fact these two will never last. BUT, for the five weeks they were filming, and from what we’ve seen, I can see where Jake might’ve fallen for her, regardless of what the women in the house were saying about her. What’s a more intense first kiss? Sitting on a picnic blanket, or holding on to someone for dear life, hanging upside down over a bed of rocks after almost free falling to your death? I think it’s obvious. I think last night’s bungee jumping date was a huge foreshadowing as to why he chose her in the end. And oh yeah, her fake cans and promiscuity. Had to get that in there so you don’t think I went all soft on you.
-Here’s something funny: When Jake asked Vienna before they jumped, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” Her response was: “Ziplining in Jamaica.” Well, that’s not what I’ve heard sweetcakes. Before I continue I want to immediately mention that what I’m about to say IS ALL SPECULATION AT THIS POINT. But in case you haven’t heard, this is what is being reported about Vienna right now. Don’t shoot the messenger. That she has a boyfriend back home, she’s strictly on this show because she wants to be famous (wouldn’t be the first one), and that, well, let’s just say she’s no Tenley (i.e. – she likes her men. And often). Even one story out there that she won a “Sex Position” contest once on Spring Break. Hey, I don’t even care if that last one is true, it’s hilarious. I’m sure these pictures will eventually get more widespread run the longer she’s on the show, and especially after she’s the final one, but some pop culture website ran this story at the end of last week. Hmmmm, interesting. In her defense, the pictures themselves don’t prove at all she had a boyfriend when she left for the show. Obviously this guy is an ex or some bar hookup that she liked posing with. And he liked posing himself. In fact, I think this guy loves himself a little too much. Whatever the case, I’m sure you’ll be seeing more of these pics in the future.
-Must mention that for the first time, I think ever, I watched the show last night at a Bachelor “viewing party”. Although, with so many people flaking, it only turned out to be five of us. Chris Bradshaw (DeAnna’s season), Chris’ wife, their neighbor, me, and Jeremy made an appearance for the last 30 minutes or so. Nice of you to show up buddy. I mention that because Chris had the line of the night while watching the next scene which was all the girls laying around the pool talking about their hatred towards Vienna. During this, I noticed that Crazy Ass Michelle had some ink on her lower back. So of course, I pointed out she had a “tramp stamp”. To which Chris immediately corrected me. Chris: “Oh boy. She’s got a P.O.T.” I knew the “T” stood for “Target”, but it took me a few seconds to realize what the “P.O.” stood for. Not hard to figure out. Anyway, kudos to Chris for throwing that in there. Told you I’d recognize your brilliance in the column. And your wife’s cookies were fabulous.
-After almost plunging to their death, Jake and Vienna enjoy some alone time together. Don’t know where they were. Don’t care. Not important. What is important is that Jake seems smitten by her now. Jake: “I want someone who is nuturing. Someone like my mommy.” Ok, so he didn’t say that last line. But he might as well have. I think Jake was breastfed until he was five. Strictly a guess on my part, but wanted to make that astute observation. These two’s date couldn’t have gone any better, and Vienna wants everyone in the house to know about it. For the 19th consecutive season (never fails), there is someone in the house who no one likes and nobody can understand why the “Bachelor/ette” is keeping them around. Please. It’s the same old tired story every season. Yes, Vienna is not well liked in the house and goes far in the show. Lets not act like we haven’t seen this before. Vienna is playing the role of Moana from Travis’ season. Or Krisily from Charlie’s season (more on her later). Or Trish from Jesse’s season. Or Wes last season. Jake keeps Vienna around and none of the other girls like it because he doesn’t see what they see. And he sees in Vienna something the other girls don’t see. Namely, his Johnson.
-Some people say the proper etiquette is to not talk about your 1-on-1 time with your date, and some say it’s no big deal. I don’t really care if Vienna volunteered the information to them about her date with Jake, or they asked her questions and she answered. Those group conversations are so staged and manipulated, it’s impossible to know what to believe. Regardless, Vienna is now officially hated by everyone in the house because she couldn’t stop gushing about her date. Understandably, catty women who are all vying for the same guy are going to get mad/jealous/lash out because they want time with him too. And after having to sit around all day with no internet, TV, cellphones, newspapers, or contact with the outside world, they drink themselves silly. And you know what drunken jealous women do? They talk sh** about other women. Walla! What a crazy coincidence, huh? I think at some point it was revealed that whatever girls Vienna was sharing a room with, they moved out because they couldn’t stand her anymore. Probably just made her day. Now she has an entire room to herself and can get off in private to pictures of her dude back home.
-Now it’s time for my favorite group date ever, the comedy club. Not because the date turned out any good, but because I’m a comedy club junkie. One of my favorite things to do. Although seeing Jon Lovitz would be about 100th on my list. He hasn’t said anything funny since he sang Christmas songs as Tonto on “Saturday Night Live”. I’m sure he probably stole some of the material from the ladies for his next set. Anyway, Michelle, Tenley, Ali, Elizabeth, Kathryn, Jessie, Ashleigh, and Corrie will be your opening acts tonight. And I use that phrase very loosely. For whatever reason, Ashleigh is already crying and she doesn’t even know she’s performing in front of an audience yet. They just think they have to perform for Jake. However, after it looks like someone force fed Ashleigh about ten Vodka/Tonics, she looks lubed up and ready to do. Lubed = liquored. Get your mind out of the gutter people. We got a brief clip of everyone’s act and here’s how it all shook down:
Ali: Told a joke. “Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for poo.” Please, someone shoot me right now.
Jessie: Another joke. “Remember the movie ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding?’ Well I heard my family is going to be in the sequel. It’s called ‘They’re So Fat I Can’t Even Tell If They’re Greek’.” Ummm, is this thing on?
Tenley: Her act was interesting. We never saw her on the mike talking. Nope. Just basically on her back flinging her legs behind her head doing aerobics. This might’ve been the naughtiest thing Tenley has done in her life.
Elizabeth: The chick who won’t let Jake violate her tongue, gets up there and I really couldn’t even tell where her joke was going because she got bleeped out twice. Something about a guy in Utah with a big unit who I guess wears her out. Very bizarre. This is stand up comedy lady, not a place to act out your sexual fantasies.
Kathryn: Didn’t have any jokes. Just got up on stage, told Jake to come down and join her, then kissed him. Yep, Lovitz will definitely be stealing that act for his next gig. And will probably be using Jake as his prop as well.
Michelle: A lunatic. Plain and simple. The stage set up was of palm trees. So she says, “I noticed there aren’t any coconuts. I wonder where they are? They’re on me of course waiting for Jake”. Huh? Is she serious? This is a comedy routine or the “Vagina Monologues”? And you thought that was bad? The stage floor was also painted like a green on a golf course. She continues, “I’ve never been golfing before. I notice I’m on the green. Now I’m just waiting for that ‘hole to get that 1-on-1.” Ummm, did she basically just call Jake an asshole for not spending any time with her? I think she did. Good call. You’re a very sane woman.
Ashleigh: Totally blitzed at this point. Probably would blow a .20 if there was a breathalyzer around. So she tells blonde jokes. How fitting. “How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.” “What did the blonde get on her SAT score? A coffee stain.” Then some other one that was worse than the first two. I seriously can’t take any more of this. I wish this date was set up like the Gong Show and Mean Gene the Dancing Machine could come out and interrupt her. By the way, when I was a kid, apparently I used to imitate him all the time. So my mother tells me.
Corrie: Best performance of the group. She made fun of all the other girls in the house (as I’m sure she was egged on to do by producers). Tenley, for her ability to turn herself into a human pretzel. Kathryn, for having the mouth of a drunken sailor. And Vienna, for being, well, ummmm, kinda trashy. “Hi, my name is Vienna and I love showing off my boobs. I love talking about myself and my blonde extensions. I love walking around the house topless. And I love talking crap about every other girl in the house.” Bam! So this was Jake’s first time he’s been informed that Vienna is the house bitch, and he realizes something is up.
-If you thought that part of the night was painful. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The girls are all hangin at the club afterwards and Tenley is up first to pull Jake aside. This is where the deleted scene happened and BEFORE she spilled her guts about the divorce, she said “I’m pregnant” to break the ice. No reason as to why ABC ran promos all week promoting this “pregnancy” only to never air it during the show. Well, yes I do. They wanted to get you to watch and talk about it. And considering the response today about “Hey, I thought Tenley told him she’s pregnant”, they succeeded. I think that’s the most ironic thing, and the reason why the joke worked. Because it WAS Tenley saying this. Even though she gave Jake less than five seconds before saying “Just kidding”, I can’t imagine Jake believed it. What’s next? Heidi Montag telling us she’s no work done on every part of her body from the belly button up?
-Tenley tells Jake she was married, her husband left her after having an affair with another woman, and he’s the only guy she’s ever been with. I’m sure skeptics will say they don’t believe her, but I don’t see how you can’t NOT believe her. Not many women would admit to that, and does Tenley come across to you as a liar and manipulative person that says things to get what she wants? I certainly don’t think so. Well, this story definitely works in her favor. Jake doesn’t seem the least bit unnerved by it, and they kiss. Woo hoo! First base for Tenley! Or is kissing still technically in the batter’s box? Hell, in 2010, kissing might mean she’s the fourth outfielder riding the pine still. I’m not sure on where we’re at in terms of “bases” nowadays, but for Tenley, this is a big step. For Jake, considering he wants to marry someone like his mother, I don’t know what he thinks of this. I can’t really get a grip on how much of horn dog this guy is. Does he have a sexual appetite? If so, is it bigger than a Caesar salad? Some wings? Maybe a plate of sliders?
-Ashleigh is Girl #1 who decides to attack Vienna to Jake. She gives the standard, “You’re not seeing what we see in her” line, and this really frosts Jake’s hide to no end. He’s so mad right now he could just spit. “Golly gee willikers, bless her heart, she’s not even here to defend herself on the date.” Man, don’t get Jake angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Word of advice to girls who finally get their alone time with Jake: probably don’t want to be spending it trashing other girls. It’s your time to sell yourself to him, not bring others down. Basically, Ashleigh is turning in to this season’s Informant. And probably a reason she doesn’t last much longer on the show. Pretty girl, likes her alcohol, but in three episodes has basically shown us nothing. You know what was disappointing from Ashleigh in this one? No side boobage. Tough break. Crowd would’ve loved it. Jake might’ve been terrified, but crowd would’ve loved it.
-Back at the house, the catfighting begins between Gia and Vienna. Vienna: “Every girl in this house is so fake.” Like your rack? Or faker than those things? I find that hard to believe. Anyway, this is where we finally see the clip they’ve been showing for weeks of Gia and her Hooked-on-Phonics voice blurt out, “YOU…are calling ME out?” We haven’t seen much of Gia yet (Well, on the show of course, not Maxim), so I really don’t have too much of an opinion on her yet. Well, other than she’s certainly got some weird mouth contortions when she speaks. Could be from all the collagen in her lips or it could be because talks like a 12 year old girl. Either way, Gia Pavano is certainly not someone you’d see going to the final three based off the first three episodes. Well, until you realize that if you make the final three, that means you get an overnight date. And you get to share a bed with each girl left with the lights off, rose petals on the floor, and Viagra at the bedside. Sooooo, ummmmm, yeah. I can see why Gia makes it to St. Lucia. Sure. I’m feelin’ ya’ Jake.
-More Vienna: “Every girl in the house hates me because I’m real and tell it like it is. It’s 11-on-1 right now.” Uh, lets start with the “I’m real” part. Technically, no. Your chest sure isn’t. Neither is your hair. And I’m not a doctor who has performed any medical procedures in my life, but something is telling me Vienna has had more work done than her boobs. Just sayin’. Yes, even at 23. And I think every girl in the house hates you because, well, I’m still not sure yet. Is it because you talked about your date and rubbed it in people’s faces? Then again, I highly doubt in the history of this show, anyone has walked in from a 1-on-1 date with a rose in their hand, said hi to everybody, and walked straight up to her room without saying a word. C’mon, they ALL talk about it with the group. It’s just Vienna’s loud personality, big giant mouth, and annoying personality just rub people the wrong way. There’s always someone like her in the house. Like our girl Krisily from Charlie’s season. We’ll be talking with her probably once this season is over, but when I spoke with her this afternoon, her assessment of Vienna was, “That was me on Charlie’s season. All the girls hated me. The only difference is, I didn’t give a sh** and would call people out.” Man, those were the days. For more on Krisily, visit www.KrisilyKennedy.com, add her as a friend on Facebook, and read her blog on the show on her FB page. She’d love to hear from anyone who’s interested.
-So you’ve got Vienna taking the crown for “Most Hated”, and now there’s Ali who is the “Reassurance” girl. Always one of these every season too. It’s either the girl/guy who gets the first impression rose, or gets the first 1-on-1 date, who afterwards, misses out on dates or doesn’t get much time anymore, so when they do, the conversation is always, “Man, I’ve missed you since our date. Was hoping you didn’t forget about me…blah blah blah”. Yep, that’s Ali. Hey, that was Jake last season with Jillian. Remember how he had such a hard on after his country date with Jillian but barely got any time after that so he was constantly pissing down his leg wondering if she still liked him? Maybe Ali and Jake are made for each other. They can reassure each other to death. “You wanna go to the movies?” “Sure, I’d love to.” “Are you sure?” “Of course I’m sure. Are you sure you want to?” “Of course I’m sure. I was just making sure you were sure so we can be sure together.” And they live happily ever after.
-It is now time for Michelle to take Jake on a one-way train ride to Crazy Town. All aboard! Woo! Wooooooooo! I don’t even know where to begin with this nut job. For the first time this season, I’m gonna give Jake props. He had the line of the season so far. It was when Michelle was gushing about how much she wanted to be there, she was there for the right reasons, wanted to find love, then dropped the “You have no idea how bad I want to get married. I really, really, really want a husband.” Jake: “Oh, I believe you.” Translation: No sh**? I never would’ve guessed that you freakin’ kook. Couldn’t have said that any more sarcastically and in a better tone. Nice one, Jake. Your acting skills are paying off. How about her pulling Jake aside and immediately telling him, “Yeah, I think I’m gonna leave”, then within the same breath is asking “Would it be crazy to ask you for a kiss?” That then led to one of the more awkward kisses this show has ever seen. It would be like me making out with Megan Fox. I’d be an animal trying to suck her face off, and she’d just pucker wanting it to be over as soon as possible. Awesome. Michelle might have what we like to call some emotional problems. Yeah. She’s certified.
-Was there anything better than that kiss? Yep. The post-kiss talk. “That’s all I get?” Well yeah, you psycho. He didn’t want it in the first place and you practically committed a felony trying to get him to enjoy your tongue of pleasure. This chick just doesn’t get it and probably never will. I just hope for her sake, Lara Flynn Boyle doesn’t tell any future potential ex-boyfriends that she ever appeared on this show. Probably wouldn’t be a good ice breaker. “Yeah, I was the one who was completely off my rocker. I talked about Jake wanting my coconuts on stage. I said my first kiss with him would be ‘long and passionate, tongue in your mouth, pulling hair, and ripping clothes off’, and it ended being like he was kissing his dying grandmother one last time. But other than that, I thought I had a good showing for myself.”
-Time for Ella’s 1-on-1 date at Sea World. And for the 100th consecutive date it seems, it starts off on Jake’s motorcycle. They head on down to Sea World to swim with Shamu, but Jake’s bigger surprise is he’s gonna have her son Ethan show up. Not that everyone didn’t know this was coming, regardless of whether or not I told you beforehand. C’mon, she’s a single mom. Although, I’d be really curious to see how this date played out with Rozlyn considering she was the one that this was originally planned for. Sorry Ella. Sloppy seconds. Anyway, Jake takes her to the park bench, and her son comes running in. I want to applaud her for tackling her son or suffocating him to death like Stephanie did with her daughter during Jason’s season. Then we had a great exchange between Ella and her son. Ella: “What are you doing here?” Ethan: “Well, great question Mom. What happened was, I was chillin’ at home when Mike Fleiss dialed me up and we started rappin’ about stuff.” What do you think he’s doing there, Ella? He’s there to be exploited by television and put Jake in an impossible position to not give you a rose. C’mon. We all know that…ha ha.
-All the while these three have a fun, jolly day at Sea World. They pet Shamu, they walk around eating churros (Jeremy’s quote: “Notice the phallic food she’s eating”. Uhhhhh…..), and they throw around paper airplanes. Jake is a pilot and Ethan likes planes. Wow! A match made in heaven! Ella and Jake should just get married right now. How disappointing it will be for Ethan to see his mom get dumped next week after he got to chuck around some planes while Jake tried to cop a feel with mommy. I would like to tell you what Ella was saying to Jake, but with the thickest Southern accent known to mankind, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I do know that one of the planes Ethan threw landed in the bushes and Jake was such the gentlemen, he picked Ethan up by his feet and dipped him in to the bushes so the kid could pick up a little poison ivy to remember him by. Nice going, Jake. Way to go out of your way for the kid. I wonder if Ella and Ethan will send Jake the medical bill on that one.
-Back at the last ditch cocktail party, the story was Elizabeth and her 25 alter ego’s. Jake is still scratching his head from last week when she wanted him to make out with her forehead. Then again, so am I. Any possible juices that get flowing with this chick came to a screeching halt the minute she said that. Now Jake is just flat out confused: “She’s the queen of mixed signals. I’m not supposed to kiss her, but physically, she’s all over me.” Of course, Elizabeth finds her behavior totally appropriate. And she’s the only one. Jake: “I’ve known couples who haven’t kissed for spiritual reasons, but this, ummmm, yeah. This is weird. I’m horny and you’re a tease.” Elizabeth doesn’t think she is, Jake insists that she is, and these two get nowhere fast. Elizabeth knows she’s hot, and Elizabeth knows she can pretty much land any guy. I don’t know why she’s acting like such a prude, especially on a show like this. Please. Elizabeth, do you honestly think that Jake would keep you around to the end without having ever being able to kiss you? Seriously? And you don’t think what you did was teasing? You and Michelle should get together and play bridge at an old folks home. You’re senile and she’s delusional. Would make for a hell of a contest.
-Vienna interrupted their time together so she could inform Jake that everyone in the house hates her (I believe that’s the 17th time this episode she’s uttered those words), and Jake comforts her saying, “Look baby honey girl. I got you. And I’m red to go.” Woops. That was Wanda from “In Living Color.” I don’t know what Jake said. I was mesmerized by Vienna’s horrible roots. Somehow after Jake and Vienna’s come to Jesus conversation, Elizabeth ended up getting Jake alone again to apologize for their miscommunication earlier. Jake realizes she’s a lost cause, he’s already checked out on her even referring to what she did as “dangling a carrot”. Oh, I bet she’s dangled a few carrots in her lifetime. I have no idea what that means. Sounded good though.
-Rose ceremony time. Vienna and Ella (woops) already have roses. Jake: “Thank you…do this with me…decision was horrible…I want to give my heart to someone in this room…and it certainly isn’t going to be with some chick I can’t even use my tongue to check her tonsils with. I mean, I know I’m a man of God, but let a playa’ play.” Or something like that.
Gia: “YOU…are giving ME a rose?” I don’t think I’ll forget the tone of that sentence the rest of the season. Just didn’t sound right.
Corrie: Another girl we’ve barely seen any of. She will soon be informing Jake she’s a virgin. She will soon shortly afterwards be going home.
Tenley: Next week she should tell him she’s a mermaid. Hey, didn’t she play one at Disneyland? Technically wouldn’t be lying.
Ali: I’ve gotten more emails on Ali’s performance last night than anyone else. The gist of it has been, “I loved Ali in the first two episodes. Last night she came across as a jealous, confrontational bitch.” Hmmm, wonder if that’s coincidental?
Jessie: So much better when she was performing “Womanizer” on karaoke. Someone, ANYONE, please re-post that on YouTube. I HAVE to see it again.
Kathryn: I can tell you nothing substantial about this chick, other than Chris Bradshaw’s wife really likes her.
“Ladies, Jake. This is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be back here in editing trying to figure out how we can mislead the public next week since they bought that “I’m pregnant” bit from Tenley hook, line, and sinker.”
Ashleigh: I’m sure she will definitely toast to the fact she lasted another week. Probably ten toasts.
-Ummmmm, Valisha went home in case you care. I can’t imagine any of you do outside of her two kids considering we didn’t hear peep from her. The only thing I’m getting about Valisha is people asking, “How can she be a homemaker if she’s not married?” My answer: I don’t know and I don’t care. She had about as much relevance on this show as Tenley’s ultrasound did. On the way out, she informed us that she’s “used to things not going my way.” I don’t know what she meant by that, but I’m sure it was because she was asked something totally unrelated by a show producer, like, “Hey Valisha, now that you’re gone, tell us about that one threesome you were about to engage five years ago that never happened?” Valisha: “I’m used to things not going my way.” Producer: “Aaaaaaand cut. Thank you, V. That’ll be all. You can go now.”
-Elizabeth doesn’t know why she got booted. “What happened?” Jake: “I had to go with my heart.” Elizabeth: “I should’ve kissed you.” Jake: “No you giant c**k tease, that wasn’t it. Please leave before you make me even more sexually frustrated.” Elizabeth definitely wins the “Blue Ball Award” for the season, that’s for sure. I think she can now go back to Nebraska and jump right back in her role as a nanny. Hey, you know Elin was a nanny before Tiger met her, didn’t you Elizabeth? Although you withholding a kiss, let alone sex, from Tiger Woods would essentially be like withholding milk from a newborn. Some just need it to survive.
Whew. Easily the longest column ever. Please, bear with all the technical difficulties on the site. I am trying my best to get them fixed as quickly as possible. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you want to join me on Twitter, my address is Twitter.com/RealitySteve. Or if you want to add me on Facebook, scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and click on the appropriate link. See you next week…