Hopefully this is the last of the major glitches to the site. But just to be safe, if you’re reading it, I’d cut and paste it and save it somewhere else just so you have it. It might be gone next time you check. I’ve forked over a good amount of money to purchase a much bigger server that allows me to handle plenty of traffic, so we should be done with major site problems. Thanks for your patience. And by the way, this is another long ass column. A LOT to cover, so make sure you read it thoroughly.
Back in my “Reality Roundup” column on 12/14, I gave everyone a heads up on a Vegas weekend I was planning right after Jake’s season ended. I haven’t mentioned it since because, well, I didn’t know what exactly was going on. Well, now I do. I will be in Vegas the weekend of March 5-7th to hang out, have a good time, and do what I do. Of course it is still open to any of my readers. I have reserved a block of rooms at the Venetian hotel at a discounted rate for anyone interested. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more details. Of course, you don’t have to stay there, you can stay wherever you want. But I just thought I’d give some of you the option of a discounted rate as a thank you for being a fan of the site. That rate is only good through February 10th, which gives you a couple weeks if you’re interested. Now, the question I’m sure most of you are asking is, “Who else is going?” That’s a good question. I had mentioned back in December the idea was to get a few of the former bachelors from past seasons to show up. However, things happen, people get greedy, fights occur, and it’s impossible to nail any of these guys down. Do I think some will come? Yes. Am I willing to confirm names? No. Because then if they don’t show, I look like an ass. I will not promise anything. I can’t. But I have a good feeling a few might show up.
Now obviously I understand a lot of your final decisions will be based on, “Well, I don’t want to go if none of the former bachelors are gonna be there”. I get that. Surely you’re not going just to hang out with me and a couple of my buddies not related to the show. The way I see it is, it’s Vegas. Even if none of the guys show, it’s not like you’re stuck in a city with nothing to do. So you go, have a good time, and we’ll party it up one of the nights. That’s the best I can do right now. I wish I had solid confirmation for you from some of the guys, but I just don’t right now. Wes said he would be there if he didn’t have any gigs that weekend. Jeremy is up in the air. A couple others are still debatable. Obviously if I get a firm commitment, I will mention it in future blogs. Regardless, hey, I’m gonna be there. Shouldn’t that be enough? Ha ha. Kidding. March 5-7th, discounted rate at the Venetian if you’re interested, and there’ll be one night at a club (probably Fri night) where everyone interested will get in free and will have some drinks covered. That’s the best I can offer at this point. As more stuff gets finalized, and if I get any firm commitments, I will notify you as soon as it happens. Hope some of you can make it. It’ll be good times all around.
Wanted to finally bring this out in to the open since I’m guessing most of you have never seen this. I’ve talked many times about the contract these contestants sign when going on this show. It’s 22 pages long and full of lawyer speak. But I cut and pasted two parts I thought you might find interesting and would shed some light on exactly what this show is capable of doing to you without you having the right to sue them. These are from two different sections of contract, but I think are pretty telling:
Knowledge of Series Nature and Content and Agreement to Comply with All Rules, Directions, and Instructions:
I understand that the Series is an unscripted and/or reality series that may involve the element of surprise. I have been informed and understand that I should be prepared for anything, at any time during the production of the Series and that the Series may involve “twists” and that that Producer may make misrepresentations intentionally or unintentionally concerning the Series and/or any element or aspect of the Series. Said misrepresentations made by, without limitation, Producer, Host, other Series participants, Producers’s affiliates and/or other parties connected to the show. Being so informed, I voluntarily agree to participate in the Series.
Knowledge of Potential Embarrassment and Surprises:
I acknowledge that interviews on or in connection with the Series may consist of another Participant and/or my statements about other Participants, personal relationships and, perhaps, the opinions and statements of my family and/or friends and other people connected with the Series, and that some of these statements and/or statements by the host of the Series, Producer or Producer’s employees or agents or others may be considered surprising, humiliating, embarrassing, derogatory, defamatory, or otherwise offensive in injurious to me, the viewing audience, Producer or Producer’s employees or agents and/or other third parties.
Translation: We can basically screw however we want with your character once you agree to come on this show and you have no right to sue us. Nanny nanny billy goat. So sure, people who get thrown under the bus have only themselves to blame for going on the show in the first place, but, does that make it right? Of course not.
I read Michelle’s exit interview from last week. Kinda boring actually. She basically doesn’t regret anything she did on the show and would do it all over again. Uhhhhh, ok. Whatever you say. However, I did want to point something out she hit on. Just as Ashley Elmore last week admitted to never having actually seen a physical relationship between Rozlyn and Ryan, neither has Michelle. Here was her answer when she was asked about it:
“I just saw what other women had commented about, I woke up one morning in the house and she was sleeping on the couch, which I thought was weird because why would she sleep on the couch when you have — you know, your roommate’s upstairs and you have a nice comfy bed upstairs, maybe she had a rough night, maybe she didn’t get along with some of the girls. I have no idea.
“But that’s the only thing I saw. I didn’t see anything in connection with her having you know, relations with somebody out from, you know, in the house. I just saw her sleeping on the couch, that’s all I saw. And I didn’t see — like I said I didn’t see anything else.”
Wow, that’s some pretty damaging evidence against Rozlyn. GUILTY! So we’re 2-for-2 on contestants who lived in that house openly admitting they didn’t see anything happen. Yet Chris Harrison will tell everyone who’ll listen, not only was there a physical relationship going on but, “everyone knew about it”, and “they were very brazen about it”. Uh huh.
Jake is starting to make his rounds in the media and I found two things in an interview he did with TV Guide particularly interesting. You can read the full interview here, but I found these quotes quite interesting.
TVGuide.com: How much do you let the some of the women’s opinions about other contestants on the show affect your decisions?
Jake: The most important thing was me. I want to see things for myself. I know what to watch for. They were telling me these things about Vienna. The problem with that is it’s starting to get so out of control, even women like Ali are starting to get into it. It’s like I’ve got 15 minutes with you. Do you really want to throw all these other girls under the bus when you’re spending time with me? I’m seeing some true colors here.
Seems a bit hypocritical, don’t you think? “I want to see things for myself.” Him complaining about some of the women in the house using their time to criticize the other women, yet last season with Jillian, he came back to the show to tell Jillian that Wes wasn’t for her. He’s contradicting himself once again. How can you ask that of the women competing for you when you didn’t do it yourself? If some of you want to get technical and say, “Well Jake did that AFTER he was already eliminated from the show”, I don’t buy it. Yes, he did it after the show, but he still did it. And I do believe while he was still on the show he was telling Jillian about what he thought of Wes.
And then I’m sure his answer that will be dissected in every which way, was the one he gave regarding the ending of the show:
TVGuide.com: What can you tease for viewers about the end of the season?
Jake: I think the ending is probably going to puzzle a lot of people, and I think some others are going to go, “Ok, yeah. If you look back, you could see this.”
I think that answer at first might seem like it tells a lot, but it really doesn’t. He was coached on that answer. It could mean a couple things. A) that most people watching the show wouldn’t think he’d pick Vienna because everyone hates her, and that’s why they’d be puzzled, but when they look back to just the two of them’s interaction with each other, might say, “Ok, together it seemed like they enjoyed each others company.” Or B) If you look back, you’ll see that he didn’t develop strong enough feelings for any of them and maybe they’d be puzzled if he didn’t choose anybody. What I know is what I told back three weeks ago. Vienna and Tenley are the final two, and he chooses Vienna. Most people who have listened to Jake’s interviews since the show are convinced he’s not with anyone right now. But considering he’s coached to give the answers he’s given, I wouldn’t let that fool you. DeAnna didn’t announce until the “Men Tell All” that she was engaged. Jason announced he was engaged before the season even started. Jillian gave vague answers her season. So it varies. I wouldn’t put too much stock into what Jake is saying in his post-show interviews regarding the outcome.
The worst answer Jake is giving, and I’ve heard this at least three of four times now when he’s asked about the rumors floating around he chooses Vienna, Jake keeps saying, “My parents don’t even know, so I find it funny that anyone else could.” Look you dolt, your parents not knowing has no bearing on anything. If they don’t know, it’s because you’ve chosen not to tell them. But to say just because “they don’t know, how could anyone else” is ridiculous. One has nothing to do with the other. Jake, you do realize at the final rose ceremony there were people there with cameras, and boom mikes, and producer’s chairs, right? It wasn’t just you, Vienna, Chris Harrison, and a limo driver at the final rose ceremony. Quite a few more people know what happened at the end of filming. What a horrible answer. Quit saying that. You’re making yourself sound like even more of a puppet to the show when you do.
A lot of people have asked this week, “What do you make of Jake saying there’s ‘something even bigger than the Rozlyn scandal still to come. On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a 10.'” I can tell you that is all hype. It’s just Jake telling whoever will listen to tune in to the show. What Jake is referring to is Ali’s exit after the hometown dates. No, I don’t know the details. I do know that Ali was very much into Jake, and Jake was very much into Ali. Hell, I think she practically gave her reasoning for eventually leaving after Vienna got her rose last night. Talk about someone’s edit getting a 180. Ali’s edit is doing nothing to help her cause. I mean, at some point during last night’s episode, EVERY GIRL commented on how they thought Vienna shouldn’t be there, yet, they keep harping on Ali being the one leading the charge. More on that later. I’m not sure if Ali leaves before the actual rose ceremony begins, or if Jake asks her to leave, or she rejects a rose – that I’m not sure of – all I do know is Ali is gone after the hometown dates and DOES NOT return to the show. Let me repeat that: ALI DOES NOT RETURN TO THE SHOW, a la Reid. When Jake finished filming, he had chosen Vienna. If he’s not with Vienna now, and is somehow with Ali (which I highly doubt), then that would’ve had to have been done after the show finished taping in November. But once Ali leaves after the hometown dates, you will not see her return to the show in any way, so lets put that rumor to rest. Well, except for the “Women Tell All”. I’m assuming Ali will be part of that. I don’t think I can make that much clearer. On to last night…
-So the show starts how every other one starts: the girls in small shorts or sweats, no makeup, and looking rather haggard, as a well dressed, dapper looking Chris Harrison comes prancing into the room. Since the girls usually look drunk and hungover, shouldn’t Chris not be allowed to get all dressed up? By the way, this week’s Chris Harrison sweater is definitely a Banana Republic specialty. How do I know this? Because I have one. Anyway, Chris informs them there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date. Then in a great piece of editing, Chris says, “Everything’s about to change.” Of course, when they showed him saying that at the beginning of the season to preview what was upcoming, I’m sure a lot of people gasped and said, “Oh my God! What’s that all about?” What’s it all about? Ummmm, nothing. They’re just moving out of the house for the rest of the show. No big deal. But in the editing world, it looks like it’s a cataclysmic event that will forever change mankind. Nope. Just a couple RV’s showing up. Nice.
-Ella is really excited they’re getting out of the house and hitchin’ up the trailers. Ella: “I’m fixin’ to get on this RV”. Translation: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaawwwwww!!!!! Giddyup partner. So Ella is pretty fired up to say the least. RV’s are right in her element. In fact, her whole housing track is full of them. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Not all of them have wheels. Gia however is taking a different approach to the RV’s. She seems to be a little more skeptical about them. Gia: “I hope this RV has a shower.” No, it doesn’t Gia. You and the rest of the girls will be forced to pull over to the side of the road and hose each other down as your way of bathing. Which actually, come to think of it, isn’t a bad idea at all. I should be writing this damn show. Oh wait, Ella has something else important to tell us: “My relationship with Jake is rollin’ down the highway of love.” Barf. And I’m talking projectile vomiting with blood. The highway of love is about to take a detour off a cliff for you, sweetcakes.
-Corrie is a really sweet girl. I like her. Forget all the virgin stuff (which will come next week. At least I think it is considering A) it’s her last episode and B) they’ve played audio of a girl saying “I’m a virgin” earlier this season. Then again, that doesn’t mean anything since for the 3rd consecutive week, they left something out that they’d previously shown in previews. Get to that later), and I understand that Corrie is not from Southern California so she obviously wouldn’t know her sense of direction, but someone probably should’ve corrected her. Corrie: “We’re taking our dysfunctional family and driving down the California coast”. Sorry, it’s just always been a pet peeve of mine. Call me nitpicky. But if you’re in Southern California and driving north, you are headed “up the coast”, not “driving down the coast”. Also in my list of stupid pet peeves: people who don’t know their time zones (my girlfriend in high school actually thought that Orange County, CA and San Diego were in different time zones. I mean, wow), people who honk their horns in bumper to bumper traffic so they move an extra five inches, and people who actually believe this show is real…ha ha.
-Time for Gia’s 1-on-1 date with Jake. Jake is so fired up for this thing, he decides to shave outside while using the same compact mirror chicks use to put on their eyeliner. Very manly, Jake. So “rugged”. The fact that some of the girls thought Jake was “rugged” because he had on a flannel shirt made me stab myself in the thigh with a fork. Really? Flannel shirt = rugged? I thought it meant you’re a horrible dresser. And if you’re a chick, it meant you enjoyed the company of other women morning, noon, and night. Regardless, Rugged Jake wears his flannel on his date trying to impress Gia, while Gia combats his flannel by wearing a kimono, or whatever the hell she was wearing. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of females out there that loved the top she wore on the date. I didn’t. I felt like she was going to start teaching a self defense class in that thing. Vienna, what do you think? “I think Gia is totally wrong for him.” You don’t say? And why’s that? Cuz she’s an elf with a speech pattern equivalent to a high school freshman?
-These two are so cute, they decide to play hide-and-go-seek. In a vineyard. Not that I’m against doing playful things on a first date, but hide-and-go-seek? Really? In an open area where there’s no place to hide? How totally cheesy of you. And if you think that’s the only children’s game they played on this date, you’d be wrong. After that riveting game of hide-and-go-seek where it must’ve taken Jake at least seven or eight seconds to find Gia, they sit down for a little chat. Gia has already mentioned once this season that she was kind of a nerd and an “artsy” girl growing up. We didn’t really get the extent of it though until she detailed this week that she used to get her book bag and shoes stolen at school. Sorry, I found that funny. Did she get beat up for her lunch money too? Stuffed in a locker? Seemed a little too sappy for me. But hey, she’s gotten the last laugh so good for her. She gets to do spreads in Maxim, date overrated MLB pitchers, and go on a reality show. You showed them, Gia!
-If getting your book bag and shoes stolen wasn’t bad enough, Jake has to chime in with his sob story. He was called “Mr. Dateless” in high school and didn’t have his first real kiss until 11th grade. I guess we should all say we’re surprised by this, but really, are we? C’mon. This is Jake we’re talking about. He went on one lame country date with Jillian and already he was picking out tuxedo colors for his wedding. So if he didn’t have his first kiss til 11th grade, I’m guessing he never dry humped until college. And God knows when he actually experienced the heavy breathing of a female partner underneath him. Forget it. I don’t want to know. And if hide-and-go-seek wasn’t adventurous enough for you, now comes a game of Spin the Bottle. With two people. Fascinating. What, was Pin the Tail on the Donkey not an option? Producers forget to provide you guys with a game of Twister? This date sucks. And now it’s getting worse that Gia is giving us rules for Spin the Bottle: 1st kiss will be on the cheek. 2nd kiss will be on the lips. 3rd will be “all the way”. Do you realize how stupid you sound Gia? What’s the point of spinning the bottle considering every time it stops, no matter where it’s pointing, you’re gonna kiss him? Why not just save us all the dry heaving and throw up in our mouths, and just kiss him already? Their grammar school crush is kind of annoying. Maybe later on they can play a game of “M.A.S.H.” and couples skate together to “Endless Love”.
-As for their kisses, well, I’ll let Gia explain it. Gia: “It was the best kiss of my life. I’ve never experienced anything like that.” Speechless. I’m speechless. The best one ever? Really? That was? Was I watching the same kiss she was experiencing? Talk about exaggerating. I will interject here and say no it wasn’t and you’re just telling the cameras what they want to hear to pump up their boy. Another thing I noticed is that Gia likes being picked up and carried around by Jake. Must be some deep seeded issues involving wanting to be dominated. Whatever the case, these two decide to eat some hot dogs and smores. Oh, I bet they do. She’s also really impressed with the fact that Jake can start a fire with a lighter. Yeah, let’s just say Jake isn’t going to be on “Survivor” anytime soon. Try starting it with two sticks buddy. Or with some flint. Richard Hatch you are not. But the most important part of their conversation was yet to come. Gia: “I’d like to be engaged for a while…I want two kids by 30..and I want to adopt a baby girl from China.” Ok, Angelina. Whatever you say. She’s acting like adoption is easy as grocery shopping and she can just pick one up at the store. Good luck with that, Gia. But you might want to try Malawai to get your kids. Madonna seems to be able to drop in every few months and pluck another one out of there at will.
-Group date time in Pismo Beach with Ali, Tenley, Vienna, Jessie, Corrie, and Ashleigh. Immediately, Ali chooses a different RV so she doesn’t catch any diseases from Vienna. And of course, Ali is front and center on the “I hate Vienna” bandwagon. Ali: “I don’t feel like I’m anything like Vienna. I’m struggling with the fact that she’s here.” Let me ask everyone something since some of you seem to be curious why all the girls hate Vienna when they haven’t showed Vienna doing much wrong. Let’s just say that, once again, it’s the editing. Through my sources, I have been told that Vienna was a Grade A bitch to everyone in the house and no one liked her. I mean, do you honestly think that EVERY SINGLE GIRL would be talking about Vienna and how bad she is if she never did anything wrong? Of course not. Editing is not showing you Vienna’s interaction with the other girls. Apparently it was brutal, completely out of line, and there’s a reason every girl hated her. We’re just not seeing it. Yes, a majority of the people watching still don’t like Vienna anyway, but, that’s really because they think she’s unattractive, loud, and they don’t like what she says to the camera 1-on-1. How much interaction have they actually showed with Vienna talking to the other girls? Very little, if any. Yet all of them have something negative to say about her. It’s not a coincidence. Believe it or not, Vienna is getting a good edit by them NOT showing her interaction with the girls. Just keep that in mind the rest of the season.
-This date was on the beach riding around in dune buggys and sand surfing. The dune buggys were pretty anticlimactic in that nothing good happened. Jessie and Vienna getting stuck in the sand was lame. Would’ve been much more fun if they went too fast, hit the brakes, then the buggy took about 100 tumbles in a row. But that couldn’t happen with Jessie driving that thing about as fast as I could jog. Jake didn’t not like the fact that Jessie didn’t drive her dune buggy fast. He likes girls with speed. And dark roots. And who pose topless in bikini girl calendars. Oh, you never saw Vienna in action? Well here you go. This comes from some website called HollywoodLife.com. Verrrrrrrrrry classy:
Still trying to put two and two together and figure out where choosing her came from. I mean, let’s just play naïve here for a second, and pretend that for the 5-6 weeks of filming, Vienna totally blew Jake away. Has him completely fooled about who she is and about her past. Sure, the other girls don’t like her, but Jake is so enamored with her, that he realizes, “I don’t care what anyone else says. This is the girl for me. Hands down.” Did Vienna actually think that none of these photos would get out? Or stories about her past would come to light? She had to have known, which makes her time on the show all about trying to win first, then worry about the consequences later. She must’ve done one hell of a snowjob on him to go against how every other woman in the house felt about her. Either that or he was told to pick Vienna for shock value. One of the two.
-I think my favorite part of this date was the sand surfing. Why? Because every one of them face planted after about ten feet of surfing. Although, I was seriously concerned for Vienna. I could’ve sworn she was gonna pull a Shauvon from “RW/RR: The Ruins” and have her implant pop when she went chest first into the sand. That couldn’t have felt great. Good thing Corrie’s aren’t fake since she decided the best way to get Jake’s attention would be to wrestle him all the way down the hill. Definitely an aggressive approach, made her stand out among the rest and Jake seemed to take a liking to it. However, she’s a virgin, so isn’t that just one giant tease? Jake’s all hormoned-out frolicking in the sand with this chick, but eventually in the end, he’d just end up walking back to his RV with an ice pack around his nuts. Sucks for him.
-After a day at the beach, time to head to the Madonna Inn. Never heard of it, didn’t really care for the layout. Sure it’s probably fairly expensive and luxurious, but just a little too overdone for my liking. But what do I care? It’s not like I’ll ever stay there in my lifetime. Nor would I want to. Well, unless of course their owner is a reader of this column and would hook me up with a weekend there like he does for Chris Harrison since he loves plugging restaurants and hotels they visit in his blog. What a shill. I’d do it too for hookups. But since I’m not, I’ll tell them their hotel is not my style and I won’t be staying there anytime soon. I’m fickle like that. Anyway, the girls go get ready for their alone time with Jake, and Ashleigh proceeds to tell us she has sand in every crevice of her body. Hmmmm, there’s a myriad of ways I can go with this one. For the time being, and in honor of being a little nicer to Ashleigh since she doesn’t have much time left on this show, I’ll just say this: Screamin Seagull. Moving on.
-Time for Ashleigh to finally get some alone time with Jake that didn’t have her in a bikini showing side boob and straddling him in a pool. Ashleigh is insistent that she doesn’t want to come across as desperate towards Jake so she does the very subtle move of draping her whole body all over his when they talk. And when I say “talk”, I mean, look at each other awkwardly with no words coming out of either of their mouths. Now granted, I’m well aware that editing probably only chose to show the moments where neither of these two said a word to each other. I can’t imagine she sat there looking into his eyes for 5-10 minutes without saying anything. But hey, you sign that bogus contract, they can do what they want to you. And Ashleigh was a victim in this case. Regardless, Jake says there just wasn’t any chemistry there and he wishes there was. Is that because you really thought there might be something serious between you two Jake, or, you wish there was because her leg is rubbing on your inner thigh and you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy down in your dirty parts? We never really get an answer to this question, but I’m guessing the latter.
-Ali gets her alone time and honestly, I can’t read my notes I took. Looks like my niece wrote it. If I remember correctly, they didn’t talk about much that was important. Well, at least on camera they didn’t. It’s very obvious at this point that Jake is very in to Ali, and she is in to him. So much so that it’s very bizarre to watch the editing she’s getting. Not saying Ali didn’t say the things she did, but why they are putting all of their focus on Ali’s negative comments towards Vienna when it’s obvious everyone else in the house is against Vienna being there as well. Quite an editing hatchet job they’re doing. My theory is coming later, only because I want to mention Tenley’s alone time with Jake. I thought it was awfully generous of Tenley to breastfeed Jake after a long hard day at the beach. Holy crap, did you see that? I thought we were going to have to get another black box put on the screen to cover up all the dirtiness. To quote the great Vince Vaughn: “They look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What’d you do with em? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you old sailor you.” Well, if Jake is looking to marry someone like his mother, then Tenley is the woman for him considering how she had no problem nursing him right there on the couch. Oh yeah, and they talked about her cheating ex-husband who got caught because she looked at his phone bill. So Tenley’s ex-husband was a cop that cheated? Crazy. Most cops I know are very well grounded, level headed, enjoy monogamous relationships, and aren’t very self-absorbed at all. Shocking to hear.
-Earlier in the date, when Jake was asking for alone time with all the women, Vienna asked if she could go last. I thought this was very generous of her. You know, let all the ladies kiss him first so they wouldn’t catch any of her diseases when she germs up his mouth with her saliva. Oh wait, she’s already been with him. Sorry everyone else. Your test results are due back shortly. Anyway, this is the first we hear of Jake having reservations about Vienna. Once again, great editing and storytelling here. This was just to set up the rest of this particular episode for people who didn’t know Ella and Kathryn were going home on the 2-on-1 date, and that he was gonna eliminate two at the rose ceremony and not one. They needed to build some suspense so when Vienna actually got the final rose, we would get the reactions we did from all the other ladies. He tells Vienna she needs to not egg it on so much with the other girls and that he’s concerned at this point with her. Sure he is. I’d be much more concerned with topless pics in a scarf and her hanging on guys at the beach with orange skin than whether or not the girls in the house like her. Anyway, Tenley got the rose for the night because she made her milk available to Jake.
-Time for the 2-on-1 date with Kathryn and Ella in Big Sur. I told you at the beginning of the season there would be a 2-on-1 date where both girls got sent home. Well, this was obviously it. The exact info I got was given to me like this, “Ella goes home during a rose date and there’s a 2-on-1 where both girls go home.” That’s where I made my mistake. The source didn’t know WHO was on the 2-on-1 date, but knew that both went home. I just jumped to the conclusion once I realized Ella had a 1-on-1 that that was the one she left on. Woops. See, my fault. Wasn’t given false info. Just read it too fast and goofed. Shoot me. Ella and Kathryn’s date wasn’t even that painful to watch for the sole reason it was obvious there was no serious attraction with either girl. Hell, he never even looked at Kathryn during dinner, choosing to stare at Ella the whole time. Kathryn even tried to interrupt Ella but she just kept on truckin’. She’s lookin’ to find Ethan a new daddy. She doesn’t have time for Kathryn butting in to her conversations. And the more Ella spoke, the more Jake probably realized, “Yeah, I was doing the generous thing saving her the agony of getting the boot the day I met her kid.” Not only was my goof on Ella going home embarrassing, but it wasn’t smart on my part. If I thought about it, is someone really gonna send a single parent home on the day they meet their kid? C’mon. No, they’ll wait til later. You’d be one cruel individual if you did that. So I truly missed the boat on that one.
-When Jake finally decides to pay attention to Kathryn, she lets him have it. Kathryn: “Why is it when I’m with everyone else, you don’t pay attention to me.” Jake: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that.” Kathryn: “I hope you won’t discredit the fact that we’ve spent all of 10 seconds together since I’ve been here.” Jake: “Oh no. Not at all.” Yeah, of course you didn’t Jake. Vienna is giving you the goods whenever you want it, Tenley lets you motorboat her, Ali is basically waiting for you to lift up her yellow dress she wears every episode, and Gia plays 2-person Spin the Bottle. What else could you ask for? Kathryn? I didn’t even know she was on the show until last night. Her and Jessie must’ve been part of some witness relocation program for the first three episodes. Sending both of these women home on this date was about the easiest decision he’s made this whole time. I just loved that when he sent Kathryn home, she said, “I don’t understand.” Huh? You admitted earlier you’ve gotten zero time with him, yet you’re surprised by this? Women are delusional sometimes. If a guy doesn’t look at you, and a guy doesn’t pay attention to you, stop making excuses for him that it must be something else. He’s not interested in you if that’s what he’s doing. Plain and simple. Hell, I’ve done it myself. We all do it.
-This was also the date where in the promos for three weeks, they show Jake all upset with the camera, getting up out of his chair, then kicking the light over and walking out. I mean, they even showed it in previews earlier in this show, yet, they never showed it when it happened. Congrats ABC/Next Entertainment/Warner Horizon/Fleiss & Company, that’s three weeks in a row something you showed in the previews never gets aired during the actual episode. Yet we’re supposed to believe that everything you show us is real and nothing is done for hype. If I ever got to replace Steve McPherson and take over as President of ABC Entertainment, I swear, you’d see such different programming under my watch. Maybe that should be my goal someday, to become President of ABC Entertainment. I’ve read about McPherson in books. Seems like a bright guy. However, when it comes to this show, he seems to be taking a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” type of approach. He lets them do their thing, doesn’t question it, and it brings in ratings, that’s all he cares about.
-Final cocktail party time. Corrie pulls Jake away first and even Jake admits, “You know, she doesn’t move as fast as other girls.” Translation: “Well considering I’ve kissed Vienna, Tenley, Ali, and Gia already, and Corrie is girl #5 heading into next week, probably a safe bet she’s going home. Hey, didn’t Reality Steve have that final four pegged after week 1?” Well yes Jake, thanks for noticing. Corrie wants to know if she makes Jake nervous at all. Jake: “No. Should I be?” I guess if you were into her maybe you would be. Ouch. Strike two for Corrie. She should’ve just volunteered to leave this week so we can just get on with the final four next week. Unfortunately, we’ll have to watch all two hours just to see her go home at the end of the episode. That’s too bad. I wonder what fake drama they’re gonna build up for next week? Probably more Vienna bashing I’m assuming. 4-on-1. Vienna vs the rest of the girls in a mud wrestling match. Or jello. Whatever works for you. See? President of ABC someday. I got ideas, people.
-Ali gets her time with Jake. Ali: “I find it honorable what you did with Ella and Kathryn last night. Now if you’d only dump that b**ch Vienna so we can move on with our relationship, it’d be much appreciated.” Sorry Charlie. No dice. Looks like you’re gonna have to stick it out another two weeks before leaving the show. I wish I had the details for you, but I don’t. Just don’t know them. But Jake talking about this scandal that’s worse than Rozlyn’s, trust me, it has to do with Ali leaving the show. I’m guessing it gets pretty emotional for both of them. Everything I’ve led to believe is that Jake was really in to Ali and she was in to him. However, if I had to guess, it certainly sounds by her comments that she leaves because he continues to keep Vienna around and the “If that’s what he wants, I’m not what he wants” will play a huge role in her leaving.
-It’s just making too much sense at this point as to what’s going on. Obviously Vienna is hated by everyone for a reason. Eight other girls don’t hate her because they’re told to say that, or because they’re acting. ABC is just choosing not to show the reason she is hated because Vienna is their F1. So lets turn the edit on Ali to look like a jealous, outspoken b**ch, so when she leaves the show, it’ll explain why. One of my sources told me last night that the reason Ali is acting the way she is is because she was essentially told by Jake she had nothing to worry about and that Vienna would be leaving. Something happened. I don’t know what. But that’s the reason for the change in Ali’s edit from the first two episodes. And to repeat, once she leaves after the hometown date, she DOES NOT return, despite what you’re hearing. Even Jake is trying to throw people off now. In an interview with Eonline.com yesterday, he even insinuated that “maybe someone comes back. Hey, it worked for Jillian.” No Jake. Quit trying to throw people off. It’s a lie. They’re just trying to misdirect people since they know they’re F1 was exposed after the first episode.
-Lets just get to the rose ceremony. Other stuff happened like Jessie telling Jake that Vienna was bad news (yet another girl), and Vienna defending herself. Notice how so much of this show is focused around the women and less about the Bachelor? Probably because he’s boring. I actually think Jake has handled himself fairly decent this season. Sure he’s a dork, and sure he’s boring as sin, but I’m ok with how he’s done so far. That’s about the best compliment I can pay him at this point. So for this Rose Ceremony, Gia and Tenley are safe. Jake’s got something to say, “This week I got to see another side…hard for me…can’t hurt anyone…hard to figure out what to do…hurts my heart to say goodbye to somebody…so that’s why I’m gonna say goodbye to two of you. I want to not only stick the knife in your heart, I’m gonna turn it as well. Weeeeeee!!!!!!”
Ali: There is no doubt she likes wearing yellow. And there is no doubt she would slap a b**ch if Vienna stepped to her. Oh, it’s on now!
Corrie: “Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Like a vir-ir-ir-a-gin. With your heartbeat. Next to mine.”
Now here is where Jake got all tight under the collar and excused himself to go outside, where Chris Harrison was pretending to have a casual conversation with the cameramen. These rose ceremonies take a hell of a lot longer than the three minutes you see on TV, so just because Jake was one rose away from Chris walking in and making his weekly “This is the final rose tonight” announcement, doesn’t mean Chris would’ve been standing right by the door as some of you seem to think. It’s television people. They are starting and stopping the filming constantly. ESPECIALLY at the rose ceremony. So lets just say Chris was well aware Jake was gonna walk outside so they could record this “real” conversation. Jake asks if he really has to give out two more roses. And Chris, just wanting to make sure everyone understands what’s going on here, repeats exactly what Jake says. “Ok, so are you saying that there are two women in there who you definitely don’t see as your wife?” Yes, that’s what he said Chris. You read your cue cards perfectly. Now get in there and break some more hearts.
-Chris walks back in the room, tells the girls what an awful menstrual day Jake is having, and that sometimes in life, you gotta do what you gotta do, and removes one of the two roses left. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!!!!! Wow. This probably totally threw Chris off his game. So now after picking up one of the roses, there is one left, and Chris had to do his math on the fly. “Jake has asked me to take one of his roses. Which means two of you will be going home. Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose tonight.” I hope they gave him a bump in pay for thinking on the fly like that because I sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to subtract one from two and had an answer immediately.
Vienna: This is wonderful news to everyone in the house. She is so well liked and respected by the others, they are thrilled she’s going to continue on this journey with them.
-Jessie approaches Jake to say her goodbyes and Jake is as honest as one can be. “You are absolutely amazing. You have a beautiful heart. I listened to every word you said.” Well, you may have listened to it, but it sure didn’t change your mind about anything. What you should’ve told Jessie was, “Thanks for warning me about Vienna, but it doesn’t matter. My blinders are on and I’m going full speed ahead. Choo choo!!!!” Jake then asked her exactly why before the rose ceremony she threw a bunch of green sh** on her eyes. What the hell was that? Not a great look last time I checked. Jessie now will head back to a life of bad karaoke singing, awful eyeliner, and looking like MaryAnn from “Gilligan’s Island”.
-After Vienna gets her rose and the rest of the girls gather round, this is where Ali starts her under-the-breath remarks about “Why is she still here?”, “How can he look at her and think she could be his wife? How can he think that?”, and “If that’s what he wants, I am not what he wants”. By all accounts, Ali was supposedly very secure in the fact that Jake wanted her and Vienna was leaving soon, hence the reason for her reaction. I’m certainly not defending what she’s saying, I’m just trying to relay to you the reason for why she’s acting the way she is and is being so outspoken about Vienna. Her edit has no doubt taken a turn for the worse in the last two episodes, and it’s because they are not showing Vienna’s interaction with the rest of the women. I’ve been told it was about as bad as you can get and that’s why every girl in the house hates her. Granted, the only way you will ever officially know this is if one of the remaining four girls who was there comes out on record and says it publicly. I doubt that is going to happen. But hey, any of you want to speak your mind, you know where to find me. I’ll let you explain to everyone how ABC is hiding Vienna’s edit.
-Ashleigh has some few parting words for the masses as well. “Vienna over me? Are you kidding me? Are you f***ing kidding me? There’s a reason she has no friends in the house. Really? I go before Vienna? Please. Spare me.” Yep, it’s official. Vienna is definitely everyone’s best friend and they love her to death. This is such a wonderful. Brings such joy and optimism to peoples lives, doesn’t it? Ahhhhh. Like a breath of fresh air every Monday night. Gotta love it. I wonder how Ashleigh feels about the edit she got on a date where they show her barely saying two words to the guy. Her post show interview should be coming later today, so I’ll keep a look for it. Then again, those interviews are moderated by ABC so they won’t let those girls go off on something in relation to the show. Wanna really get them riled up? Someone get on that conference call and say the words “Reality Steve” and watch the moderator flip out and cut that reporter off before they can finish their sentence. Good times. Glad I’m so well loved by everyone over there. Did you all get my Christmas cards this year?
-This column wouldn’t be complete without me mentioning a few people who deserve credit for the work they do. So I want to take this time to acknowledge some people dedicated to their profession who’s work goes underappreciated on a weekly basis. Kudos to:
I’m sure you’re asking, “Who the hell are these people?” I wouldn’t expect you to know them. Well, unless you paused your TV while the credits were rolling at the end of Monday’s episode. These six individuals are listed under “Story Editors” for the show. So a “reality” show needs “story editors”. That should just about answer any possible question about how genuine this show is. Basically, these are the ones that edit the show in a way to tell the story ABC wants to show you, and not what’s really going on. Hell of a job guys. Let’s see what promo you run this week that won’t run in next weeks episode. C’mon, you can do it! Make it four weeks in a row where you lead the audience on! What are they paying your for?
Another long ass column. Hey, that’s the way it is nowadays. I try to address all the questions, and rumors, and comments I get throughout the course of the week during the first portion of the column, and then the recap starts after that. Sometimes I have a lot to go over, sometimes less. It varies. But I try to pack it all in there. Anyone interested on the March Vegas trip, feel free to contact me at email@example.com. Feb. 10th is the last day to book a suite at the Venetian for the discounted group rate. Stay where you’d like, but if you’d never stayed there, trust me, it’s worth it. If you want to join me on Twitter, my address is Twitter.com/RealitySteve. Or if you want to add me on Facebook, scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and click on the appropriate link. See you next week…