Ok, you’re not gonna believe this, but the reason why the column has been done for the last three hours but hasn’t posted is because, for whatever reason, the YouTube clip of Gia, and one of the links I attached, were not allowing me to upload them into the column. Once I took them out, I could post it. When I put them back in, I couldn’t. Then I just moved them to the top of the column, and they worked. So screwy. Anyway, that’s why the column hasn’t gone up. So what I write about Gia in the beginning, and a link to help out my friend, I originally had towards the end of the column, and it wouldn’t load. But now that I moved it up to the beginning, it’s working. Whatever. Here’s today’s column.
It definitely looks like we will not be having any more website issues. Why it took a year for someone to tell me all I needed was a bigger server, I’ll never know. Granted, it’s costing me a hell of a lot more to run the site now, but it certainly beats dealing with the frustrations of not knowing when and how often my site would be unable to view. Like I said, as much as it was an inconvenience for you, it was much, much worse for me considering the whole time I didn’t know what was wrong. So that should all be in the past now, and we’re looking forward to adding a couple new features to the site. Maybe it’ll take a few extra seconds for your page to load, but that’s a hell of a lot better than it being down for hours. And if for whatever reason it does shut down because of traffic, I can “borrow/rent” another server that’s bigger temporarily. That takes 5-10 minutes and costs more money. I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back, I’m saying this because I’m giving you a reason why we’re running into these problems. As of 5:15pm CST today, I’m already at 113,000 page views, and the column hasn’t even been posted yet. I’ve been told I’m getting 250 page views per 30 seconds. That’s a lot for any server to handle. Outside of me forking over $500/month to run my blog, there will be times when it sporadically doesn’t appear. But it won’t be down for hours on end like it was before. It can definitely handle more traffic than before. I just need to see what I’m willing pay.
I’ve mentioned many times in this column that Gia did a photo shoot for Maxim that I’m sure is pinned up on most teenagers walls right now as they start discovering they’re becoming a man. Well, here it is. Guys, you might want to watch this is the privacy of your own room. Or shower. It’s go time! Weeeeeee!!!!
I think it’s safe to say that Gia has had some work done since that shoot. No doubt a nose job and 1,000cc’s of collagen injected into those lips. Holy crap. When the video first started, it didn’t even look like her. And she was the artsy, nerdy one in school? Ummmm, sure she was. She seems very shy around the camera. I think this is our #1 reason why Gia won’t be the next Bachelorette. Really? This chick needed to come on a reality show to find love? I’m guessing the seven episodes she’s on is going straight on to her demo tape. Please. Plus, I’m sure she’s already back to dating some other scrub MLB pitcher that is Alyssa Milano’s sloppy seconds.
On an unrelated note, my friend Jessica, who is an actress in LA, is doing the unconventional by campaigning for the role of “Mary” in the upcoming “Three Men and a Bride.” She has created a Facebook Fan Page and for every person that joins, she is donating $.50 per person to the Make-A-Wish foundation. Great charity and great cause to help kids that are physically unable to go after their dreams. Here is the link to her FB Fan Page–all you have to do is become a fan by clicking here: Jessica’s Fan Page. To be clear: You are NOT being charged anything. SHE is donating $.50 for every person that becomes a fan of her page. So help her out. It would be greatly appreciated.
One thing certainly disappointing to me last week was I didn’t find out until Thursday that I am one of five finalists in the 2010 Bloggie Awards for “Best Entertainment Blog”. While I certainly appreciate the nomination, nobody bothered to even tell me I was a finalist. Of course you know me, I would’ve promoted the hell out of it. But I didn’t find out til Thursday, and voting ended this past Sunday. So if you weren’t a friend on Facebook or following me on Twitter, you wouldn’t have seen me send the link to where you could vote. I don’t even know what the Bloggie Awards are, or if there’s even a prize, but I’m a competitive person by nature, so, of course I want to win. I will keep everyone updated as to the status of that. Thanks to all of you who did end up voting for me in the four remaining days you had left to vote. Very much appreciated. However, a great big “no thanks” to the people over at the Bloggies for not even letting me know I was a finalist.
Saw “Avatar” this weekend. Interesting flick. If it weren’t in IMAX 3D, I probably wouldn’t really recommend it to anyone. Well, except for the lady sitting next to me who was clapping her hands and cheering at the end of the movie. For what, I have no idea. That the blue people triumphed? Really? You’re that excited for them? Ummmm, ok. Anyway, sure it’s long at 2 ½ hours, but in IMAX 3D, it’s worth it. The story? Eh, whatever. It’s like a mix between “Lord of the Rings”, “Transformers”, “Dances with Wolves”, “The Last of the Mohicans”, “The Lion King”, and “Star Wars”. After sitting through 150 minutes, these are the three most pressing questions/observations I came out of it with (don’t worry, no real spoilers here):
1) So if Nitira ever gave Jake some mouth love, would it technically be called a “bluejob”?
2) Nitira and Jake hooking up definitely gives new meaning to the phrase “getting some tail”.
3) When Jake is in his Avatar, and they’re about to have sexual relations, if Nitira pulls away and says, “No, I can’t do this”, can we technically still say Jake has blue balls or no?
Yep. That’s what I came out of the movie with. I tend to think my mind marches to the beat of its own drum sometimes. Ok, most of the time. Fine. All of the time.
On the topic of spoilers, I want to set the record straight on something. Some people seem to think I take great pleasure in ruining this season by revealing what happens so early on in the season. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I hope people realize this is the ONLY show I’ve ever given spoilers on. I NEVER read the ending of a book first. I HATE finding out who wins “Survivor” early. I have to watch “American Idol” the night it airs because I don’t want to read anything about the performances before I watch them. Hell, I was the guy last season (even though I live in the Central time zone and see things first), who was deploring people who live in the Eastern and Central time zones to stop posting on FB and Twitter results to stuff they’re seeing before the Mountain and Pacific time zones have had a chance to see it. And the reason why is (I know a lot of you may not believe this), but there are plenty of people who live in the Eastern and Central time zones who actually think everyone in the U.S. is watching the same show they are at the same time. That’s just idiocy.
So why do I do it for the “Bachelor”? Well, because I don’t care about ruining the ending, and honestly, I don’t think finding out the order of elimination of the final four early is gonna make you stop watching the show anyway. You’ve known since Jan. 6th who the final four was going to be because I told you. Did any of you stop watching? I doubt it. In addition, I’m reaching a very, very, very small percentage of their viewing audience. So basically I don’t find my spoilers on this season to be that big of deal in the grand scheme of things. Sure, ABC hates the fact that I ruin it, but deep down inside, they’re probably thrilled that I’m bringing more attention to their fake show. I said it once this season, and I’ll say it again: I don’t give spoilers away in hopes that you’ll stop watching the show. That’s never been my objective and never will be. I don’t wield nearly that much power. You’re going to watch regardless. I think my spoilers just give you a different perspective when you watch the show than maybe it did before. If I have some news that no one else has regarding this show, then yes, I’m going to run with it. I did in Jason’s season, I posted it, and it turned out to be true. Had nothing during Jillian’s season and told you that I didn’t. This season was probably the earliest I ever had info, I posted it, and you’ll see it to be true. Everything has been spot on so far except being a week off on Ella’s exit. But you will NEVER hear me post spoilers about other shows on this site. I just like to make an exception for this crappy show because I like sticking it to them.
I’ve gotten tons of new readers to my site ever since I broke the Jason/Molly/Melissa fiasco. And that was almost a year ago to the day. So those people who are now following me regularly, think that’s all I do is give spoilers and I know everything. Go back and look at the archives. Before Jason’s season, all I did was recap the show in my smarmy, sarcastic, smart ass way. And still do. At its core, that’s what this column will always be about. It’s going to be me making a bunch of crass, sophomoric, and sometimes crude jokes about this show and its contestants. As I’ve said many times before, this column is not for everyone. That part will never change. It’s the stuff around it that changes because I’ve become privy to more information in the last few seasons. So yeah, maybe it takes a few more paragraphs to get to the recap part of the column, but I’m not going to include stuff that I don’t think is important regarding the show.
Everything I write about before I get to the recap portion of the column, I feel is relevant to the show. Whether it’s links to interviews, or YouTube clips, a review of “Avatar” (ha ha, ok maybe that one isn’t related to the show. Just thought I’d throw that in there), I feel like each is important in its own way. It’s probably a little frustrating for long time readers of the column I get that, but, I’ve seen my readership numbers. I’d be willing to bet I’ve gained three or four times more readers in the last year, than I had in the first seven years of this column combined. Whether I liked it or not, the minute I broke the Jason/Molly/Melissa news, this site became more newsworthy than it ever was and more people are reading it. I’m even forking over more money per month to keep this site running and I have no advertising yet. I honestly feel now I have an obligation and responsibility to address things more so than I did before. If I’m given information I’m comfortable going with, then I’ll report it. I won’t sit on it like I’ve done in the past. The minute I find something out, you’ll know about it. Regardless, you will always get my recap of the episode on a weekly basis and that will never change.
And finally, the biggest news to break in the last week was the announcement that ABC will be televising Jason and Molly’s wedding on March 8th, a week after the finale for Jake’s season ends. Which means that Jason and Molly’s wedding, I’m guessing, will happen some time in mid February to give them a couple weeks to edit the show. It’s just going to be one 2 hour event that covers the bachelor and bachelorette parties, the planning of the wedding, and the wedding itself. As opposed to Trista and Ryan’s wedding, which was played out over the course of four episodes. You know my thoughts on Jason. Do I think the situation could’ve been handled better? Yes. And I’ve told him that. But I wish no ill will towards the guy or his marriage. I’ve already emailed him a congratulations and got a thank you in return. What’s done is done.
I’m just shocked that so many of you have such hatred towards him. Sure, what he did was stupid and I thought it could’ve been handled much, much differently, but I was over what he did after a couple of days. People are still bothered by that? Really? Outside of being a friend or relative of Melissa Rycroft Strickland, why would it bother you so much what this guy does? Who cares? What does Jason and Molly getting married have anything to do with what’s going on in your life on a daily basis? I don’t get it. No one is forcing you to watch their wedding. You don’t like them, don’t watch. Pretty simple. Just don’t act surprised by this. Hell, if Jason and Molly DIDN’T have their wedding televised, I would’ve been surprised. I honestly don’t think this is a big deal and is totally expected. They’re getting a FREE wedding. Who wouldn’t want that? Plus, if I’m not mistaken, any couple that forms as a result of this show, if they get married within a certain time frame of the show ending, are contractually obligated to have ABC take control and televise it. I’m not 100% sure on that, but I’m almost positive that’s the case. Jason and I are not buddy buddy, we don’t talk every day, send each other Christmas cards, and plan golf outings together. But that doesn’t mean I’m disgusted that ABC is televising his wedding and hoping the guy’s marriage fails. Geez. People amaze me sometimes. Believe it or not, once Jason and Molly are married, your life will still be exactly the same. On to last night…
-You know what? I kinda miss Chris barging in on the just-woken-up-no-makeup-on-and-bags-under-my-eyes ladies. Seeing the show start out with them driving up the coast to San Francisco, I just couldn’t help but ask, “Couldn’t Chris have been the one driving the RV? Or maybe bunked in a private room?” Oh well. Maybe next season. I’m sure Chris was busy prepping for “Hollywood 4-1-1” on the TV Guide Channel. Yes, there is a show called “Hollywood 4-1-1”. And yes, there is a TV Guide Channel. Glad I could be of help to you. Vienna then informs us as they’re heading up the road she’s so excited because she’s never been in a big city before. Really? You don’t say? You totally seem like the big city girl. I mean, you do live in Sanford, Florida, which as of the 2006 had a population of 50,000 according to the U.S. Census Bureau. So have you seen a building bigger than three stories? Do you have to drive to the next city to get your groceries? Does your mail still come by Pony Express? Vienna is a fascinating individual really. And her attitude doesn’t at all reflect the podunk town she hails from (Oh boy, here come all the nasty emails from local Sanford-ians).
-The ladies arrive at their hotel in San Francisco, and I guess it’s supposed to be really nice. Never been there. Wouldn’t know. To that hotel I’ve never been. San Francisco I’ve been to I think around four or five times. It’s nice. Not somewhere I could ever live, but it was decent to visit. So Jake informs the ladies, they’re in the big time now. Jake: “The RV trips are over. We’re going to step it up a bit and start doing some things that are 5 star.” 5 star stuff equals unrealistic dates that are the reason most couples never survive coming out of this show. Ali was really the only one who didn’t have a 5 star date because she got to pick what they did. But drinks and dinner atop the Coit Tower? Staying overnight in a winery castle? Getting to roam a Science Museum at night all by yourselves? Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty unrealistic first or second dates with someone. You know what just struck me tonight? That not one girl in the history of this show has ever said, “You know what? I don’t like this guy. He’s boring. Couldn’t they have found someone better?” Sure, there have been women who have admitted there wasn’t much of a connection, but it’s pretty amazing that every girl who lasts long on the show is enamored with whatever Bachelor she’s with. That’s realistic? Probably not. They’re much more enamored with their surroundings, their dates, and the fact they’re on TV than they are with the person they’re spending time with. Why can’t a final four girl say, “Man, I’m shocked he’s kept me around this long. I’m not even that into him?”
-No roses will be given out on any of these dates. Tenley gets the first one and her card says, “Lets get our love on track in San Francisco.” You’ll never guess what happened after that? Yep. A bunch of giggling and squealing. That seems to be the theme this season. I know you’re supposed to act happy and excited, but geez, it’s just a date card. The date hasn’t even started and already the high pitch squeals are burning my ears. Lets tap the brakes a bit, shall we? After Tenley settles down from her giggle fit, apparently she starts having a mini heart attack. Well, that’s what the show would like us to believe. They even play darker music in the background as Tenley says, “Oh my gosh. My heart.” By the looks of it, you’d think she was suffering from heart arrhythmia. No, she’s just nervous for the date. Whew. Thought we were gonna lose you there for a second sweetie. Quit scaring us. Chris Harrison doesn’t know how to perform CPR and Andy Baldwin is nowhere to be found. The last thing this show needs after all the horrible publicity it gets, is a death to occur while taping. That might be the only thing that could stop this show from continuing at this point. So Tenley next time, pull a John Locke and fake your death. Or assume someone else’s body. Or whatever the hell is happening with him. Guess we’ll find out tonight.
-Jake really dressed for the occasion with Tenley by pulling out all the stops: his turtleneck. Ummm, Jake? 1992 called and wants its style back. Surprised he wasn’t wearing his buttoned up rayon shirt on his date with Corrie. Or maybe go with the Z Cavaricci’s and creepers when he was out with the Gia and Vienna. Yes, I wore all of these back in the day. Junior year of high school. Now if only Jake could change his wardrobe, this date might get off to a better start. But apparently since he’s dressed to go skiing, it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen. Too bad. I had hopes for him. Ok, no I didn’t. Sometime during the beginning of their date, Tenley makes sure she tells Jake how serious she is about this process. Tenley: “I know I’m really capable of loving someone. And I have a lot more love to give.” Oh boy. This is getting pretty kinky. I guess the biggest question is, “What form will that love take?” Sadly, it stops at kissing between these two. Not that I’d want to watch Tenley suffer through anything else with this bore, but what she said sounded much more sexual than what she actually meant. And that’s always disappointing. To me at least. Especially when it comes to this show. How long before full frontal nudity becomes acceptable on network television? Hopefully it’s while this show is still on the air because I guarantee this becomes the highest rated show on television if that ever happens.
-Probably my favorite line of the night was delivered next by Jake when these two cruised through Chinatown. Jake: “Chinatown was unbelievable. It was like you’re in a foreign country.” Really? A foreign country? For a guy who has traveled all over due to his extensive flying background, has anyone bothered to tell Jake there’s a Chinatown in a lot of major cities? And they’re all the same. Then again, why this show is making a big deal out of Jake being a pilot, I have no idea. That’s not his main job. He owns a limo company in Dallas. Of course, if they focused on that, he wouldn’t be nearly as “important” as they’re making him out to be, and they wouldn’t have been able to con Jeffrey Osborne into letting them use “On the Wings of Love” all season. Maybe if they would’ve stuck with “Jake Pavelka: Limo Business owner”, we could’ve got the Cars “Drive” to be played on a loop. Or maybe “Freeway of Love” by Aretha Franklin. I’m sure there are a gazllion more songs that reference cars, but those two popped into my head first for some reason. Guess I’m still stuck in the late 80’s/early 90’s with Jake’s gay turtleneck.
-Of course with these two wandering the streets of Chinatown aimlessly, they must do things associated with the Chinese culture. They make fortune cookies. Eat some dim sum. Tenley tries on one of those cone shaped straw hats. Just a jolly old time they’re having. It’s like they’re walking the streets of China! Except it’s San Francisco and a bunch of strangers are asking, “What the hell are these two doing with cameras following them around? Get to the hometown dates already, would ya’?” I was half expecting them to start riding around in a rickshaw. I think the more they spent time in Chinatown, the more I realized how uncomfortable Jake is in any setting outside of a plane, the state of Texas, or that involves women. Other than that, he’s a hell of a catch. Not once during the first five episodes have I ever looked at Jake and said, “Man, he sure is smooth around the ladies. I wish I had game like that.” Hey, I’ll be the first to admit my game is lacking nowadays, but damn, Jake just doesn’t look comfortable around good looking women who all want him. I don’t know how many times he’s gone with the fake laugh at this point either. Definitely over a 1,000. The fake/nervous laugh is the #1 reason you can tell how uncomfortable he is.
-Back at the hotel, the 2-on-1 date card arrives and Corrie decides to play a practical joke on the two girls in the house who hate each other the most: Vienna and Ali. She reads the date card as if its Vienna and Ali on the date which immediately sets Ali off. I think I saw steam coming out of her ears at one point. And Vienna looked like she wanted to go add to her horrible dye job on her hair than spend a date sharing Jake with Ali. Of course Corrie was kidding (since last week we all saw footage of Gia and Vienna on the 2-on-1 date), and Ali was caught with her pants down. Well, not literally. I would’ve enjoyed that. No, Ali had to go from “I cannot stand this bitch and I’m about to throw a hissy fit” mode to “Oh, I wasn’t upset because it was you Vienna. No, no, no sweet dear. It’s because this is my town and I wanted him for myself”. Nice cover, Ali. Might’ve been the worst lie told this season. Well, behind the “Producer Has Sex with Rozlyn” lie. Hey, Ella admitted in her interviews since her elimination that she never saw anything physical between Ryan and Rozlyn either. Three-for-three. And yes, I’m still working to try and get Rozlyn on the show.
-Tenley and Jake head up to Coit Tower for some dinner, drinks, and probing conversation. Jake: “So what mistakes in your marriage did you feel like you made?” You mean outside of marrying a cop? I’d say that first and foremost, that was Tenley’s biggest mistake. Although she has other ideas. Tenley: “I took moments for granted.” She basically said that she should’ve always been excited when her husband came home and hugged him or kissed him, or got up from whatever she was doing to acknowledge him. I guess that makes sense. Then again, I would only think that was a mistake on her part if he was doing it in return. If he wasn’t, then obviously it wasn’t a big to him, and these “moments” you speak of, weren’t really “moments” anyway. I don’t know if I made sense there, but I don’t care. I know what I was trying to say. It’s late and I’m tired. Also Tenley, don’t worry about passing up those moments with your ex-husband cop who was cheating on you with someone from work. He probably would’ve blown you off anyway to go sext with her.
-Jake: “I expect my wife to always have my back. Respect, love, honor, etc. Marriage won’t always be perfect. But love can be.” So beautiful, Jake. So touching. What hallmark card did you find that line in, “Valentine’s Day” or “Anniversary”? And don’t think for a second spouting of clichéd lines is gonna make women forget you wore a black turtleneck on your date. I’m glad that Tenley turned the tables on him and had a question. Tenley: “Hey, what about a pilot’s faithfulness?” Jake went to the safe answer: “Cheating is a choice. The woman that I marry will be the last woman I look at.” Ok, right there, Jake just admitted America he pees sitting down. I’m sorry. What guy says that? First off, it’s completely illogical and unrealistic. And secondly, it’s basically admitting you have no sack. Jake, it’s ok to look at other women when you’re married. If you don’t, you’re whipped. Ever heard the phrase, “You can look at the menu, you just can’t order from it”? Just because you look at another woman as a married man doesn’t make you the devil. Sure, if a woman walks by and you completely turn your head and follow her ass to the bathroom, of course you deserved to get slapped. But looking? Please. Every guy looks. You just need to be discreet about it. Hell, most women would EXPECT you to check out the scenery. As long as you aren’t a jerk about it, you don’t ogle over them, and don’t sexually harass or fondle random chicks, of course you can look. What a weenie.
-Gia and Vienna’s 2-on-1 date is up next, and beforehand, Jake sends over a chest full of different outfits for them to pick out. You’ll never guess what occurred after this. Yep. Screaching and giggling. Since Guantanamo Bay is shutting down soon, I have a new idea for torture. Get all the giggling and squealing from this season, put it all on YouTube on and endless loop, and force terrorists to listen to it for hours on end. You don’t think they’ll give up all their secrets after five minutes of that nonsense? I certainly do. These two are now all dolled up and headed to a winery castle called Castello di Omarosa. What? Omarosa has weasled her way on to another reality show? God help us. Woops. That’s Amorosa. Whew. Got nervous there for a minute. Whatever the case, since Vienna has never seen anything outside of Sanford, Florida, you can only imagine her reaction when they pulled up to this winery castle. Vienna: “I’m my dad’s princess. And now I’m Jake’s queen. And he’s my Prince Charming.” She’s already nauseating and this date hasn’t started yet. I think it’s safe to say that Vienna has a very high opinion of herself that really only seems to be shared by her at this point. And maybe her dad. And oh yeah, Jake too.
-Even though it’s a 2-on-1 date, Vienna pretty much hogs all the camera and face time she can. While the three of them relax with a nice bottle of wine, Vienna decides to turn on the water works and tell Jake what happened at the last rose ceremony with Ali. And it definitely accomplished its mission since Jake told us, “It makes me feel bad for Vienna.” Sympathetic figure now? Uh huh. She’s becoming the ugly duckling. The one no one likes. The one everyone picks on. The one picked last in their game of kickball. Except it seems to be having the opposite effect on Jake, who doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior when it’s just the two of them alone. Remember, pretty much every time you’ve seen Vienna as the “vixen” this season, it’s been when she’s 1-on-1 with camera. Jake doesn’t see any of that until the season starts airing. He hears it from the other girls who complain, but if he doesn’t see it, what’s he supposed to do? Boot her based off hearsay? One thing to keep in mind during all of this is that Jake is not seeing the Vienna we’re being shown. All he’s seeing is every other girl hating on her. Should it at least make him question her? Sure. But he’d really be an idiot to base his decision on what other girls, who are also competing for him, are telling him. He even reiterated last night to Ali that he hasn’t seen any of Vienna’s behavior they’re talking about. Anyway, Jake takes Gia away for some alone time so Vienna can sit in her own puddle of tears. Gia has some parting words for her as she leaves. Gia: “You can eat my salmon.” Was I supposed to be turned on by that statement? Cuz’ I was.
-Jake likes to be reassured that the women are falling for him. “Are you falling for me? Cuz’ I’m falling for you.” Or maybe Gia said that, I can’t remember. Either way, he likes to hear it. And he assures Gia that, even though he’s dating the other women, she is special. Jake: “I might have dates with the other women, but not the moments that we have.” Good save, Jake. Way to pull that one out of your ass. For that, you get to plant your tongue firmly in Gia’s mouth for the next five minutes while the producers go get Vienna and tell her, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if you went looking for Jake in this deep, dark castle. Especially right during the time when he’s making out with Gia? Go do it.” So of course Vienna obliges and begins her journey in the dungeon to go find Jake. I found this scene to be completely scripted and fake considering Vienna is acting all scared she doesn’t know where she’s going, yet, there’s a cameraman right behind her directing her exactly where to go. Of course, Chris Harrison will have you think otherwise if you read his blog today (sorry, can’t link to it right now). He claims Vienna was about to piss herself she was so scared. Uh huh. Sure she was.
-For some reason, this 2-on-1 date turned in to an overnight date, with Vienna and Gia sleeping upstairs in their own room. Of course, that wasn’t good enough for Vienna who decided to sneak downstairs and get some more alone time with Jake. He was in bed and in walks Vienna in all her glory. Or, at least Jake thought so. Jake: “Vienna walks in. Sexy as hell. With two glasses of wine. I gotta admit, I had dirty thoughts.” Jake had a dirty thought? What did that consist of? Were the cameras able to catch his dirtiness in the cellar of a winery castle? Basically Vienna went down there to offer herself up to him on a platter, Jake got a hard on, but couldn’t act upon it because Gia was upstairs. And apparently that wouldn’t have been the gentleman-ly thing to do. I guess Jake hasn’t been hanging out with Ali’s ex who didn’t mind sneaking into the next bedroom when those three were living together and banging her roommate. Classy guy. No worries, Ali. You’ll find your prince some day. Just won’t be on this show. Well, this season at least.
-Jake and Corrie’s date was kind of uncomfortable to watch. Most notably because, well, we all knew Corrie was going home this episode, and their date just wasn’t really interesting in the least bit. Even if you didn’t know Corrie was going home, did anyone watching last night think that these two were a match for each other? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes think Jake and Corrie’s chemistry is questionable. You know it’s not a good start to the date when Jake says, “I’m really attracted to Corrie. But we’re definitely taking baby steps to our relationship.” Translation: I’ve made out numerous times with the other four girls. Short of Corrie performing a pole dance for me, she’s not getting a rose tonight. I think Corrie is one of the better looking girls on this season, however, I throw her in Tenley’s category in that I just don’t see what either one of them came on this show for. They don’t fit the mold of the women who are cast on this show. And no, not just because Corrie is a virgin, but she sticks out like a sore thumb on this show being super passive, not hanging all over him, etc. Granted, it’s a great quality to have, just not for this show. Weird. Corrie, no worries sweet cakes, I’m sure you can find someone else out there to paddle you around a lake and not talk to you better than Jake did.
-Corrie’s theory on kissing. “I’m definitely not the girl who goes in for the kiss. It’s more 90% him, 10% me.” Jake? Your thoughts? Jake: “I’ve got no problem being the one who goes for the kiss first. It’s usually about 80% me, 20% her.” Well, now that we’ve agreed you guys are off by 10%, that’s where we get the awkwardness on the boat. Their faces are about two inches from each other, yet no kissing happens. Just a bunch of ducks quacking, and Jake fake laughing. This wasn’t the most comfortable scene I’ve ever watched, no doubt about that. Whatever the case, neither went in for the kiss and their 10% margin of error caused a very uncomfortable scene. I love how Jake played it off like it wasn’t just completely awkward. “Ready for the next part of the date?” Corrie: “Oh sure. Yeah. Sweet. Whatever you say. Can’t wait. I’m having such a great time. Can’t wait to have many more awkward moments with you. I’m sure it’ll make for great television too.” If by “great television” you mean me chuckling under my breath, then yeah, it sure did. Good stuff. Please show me more.
-Now these two are headed to the Science Museum that set up for just them. Nothing sexier than science on a first date, I tell ya’. Corrie really got the short end of a stick here. Paddling in some stupid rowboat and a Science Museum? Compared to what the other girls got, it’s like the Producers set her up to fail. And once again, the conversation wasn’t exactly flowing during the tour of the museum. Just a bunch of “ooohhhs” and “aaaahhhs” and “that’s really cool” comments. I can handle the zoo, and maybe an occasional museum if I’m given a tour by a tour guide because then I might actually learn something, but just wandering around looking at birds and snakes isn’t the best way I’d like to spend my weekends. Isn’t there a football game on or something? Can we catch a movie? How about walking around the beach? “This bird is one of only 75 still alive in the United States today…” Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
-So when they sit down to eat, Jake is worried yet again that their relationship is moving too slow. Translation: I have really been disheartened by the fact that I know what Gia’s, Tenley’s, Ali’s, and Vienna’s tongues taste like, and I have no clue about yours. Step up your game, Corrie. Damn. Jake: “Where are you right now?” The best answer Corrie could’ve given to that is, “I’m sitting down facing front.” Why? Cuz’ that’s from “Airplane!”, one of the greatest movies ever. Sadly, she didn’t though. Her answer. “I’d really like you to meet my family. I would totally move to Dallas…blah blah blah”. Let me tell ya’ something honey, you ain’t moving to Dallas unless he at least gets to kiss you. Which then leads into their conversation of cohabitating. Jake: “So you wouldn’t be with someone before marriage? Are you saving yourself for marriage?” Corrie: “I am.” Jake: “I completely respect where you’re coming from and that’s not an issue with me.” Gotta love Jake’s insincerity on that one. If you don’t think that played a role in her getting booted last night, then I don’t know what to tell you. Was it the sole reason? No. But Jake is about to come bursting out of his pants if he doesn’t find a wife or girlfriend soon. So now has he not only not kissed this girl yet, he finds out she doesn’t want to live with her fiancée before marriage, AND she’s holding out sex until that honeymoon night? Well then, Jake’s mind is made up. Corrie is no Vienna. He likes em’ loose.
-Time for Jake and Ali’s date around San Francisco. Ali is totally in her element here since, well, she lives there. I didn’t quite understand the purple sundress with the black boots she had going on. Didn’t really match, did it? Especially with Jake’s blue shirt and jeans. They looked like Grimace and the Cookie Monster. No, I’m not saying Ali is built like Grimace, I’m just saying the colors on the date didn’t really mesh well. That’s right. I’m Mr. Stylist now. Gotta color coordinate on your dates. Ha ha…not quite. If you ever see me out with a date and we’re wearing matching outfits, feel free to blast me in the face with a shotgun. Might as well just start having all my kids’ names start with the same letter while I’m at it. Sorry if you’re a parent and you chose to go that route with your children. Not a fan of it. Anyway, these two are out flower shopping and Ali says her favorite flowers are daisies. So Jake picks out a wonderful bouquet of flowers, none of which looked like to be daisies. I don’t think. Then again, I could be wrong since I don’t know sh** about flowers other than to buy a dozen of them if I ever get in an argument. Then that usually leads to sex.
-Ali takes him to some place that got a little free advertising last night, Ottimista. While there, they talk about what the future holds. Jake asks if Ali were to get a hometown date, would they be in San Francisco, or go back to Massachusetts. She says they’d be going to Williamstown, Massachusetts and that she “doesn’t come from a perfect family, but that’s ok. I’ve accepted that. I know what I want to do now.” Really? You want to work at Facebook the rest of your life? Or apply to more reality shows? Yes, Ali works for Facebook, and yes she has tried out for more than one reality show already. Sounds to me like she’s got the Hollywood bug. And hey, I don’t blame her. Attractive girl, good personality, suuuuure. Why not leave Facebook in this down economy to try and extend your 15 minutes of fame? As long as she doesn’t think that becoming the next “Bachelorette” is actually where she’ll find her next husband, she should be fine. All signs are pretty much pointing to Ali, in my opinion, of being the next “Bachelorette”. I’ll see if I can find anything more about that.
-So knowing that Vienna already spilled her guts to Jake about Ali’s behavior after the last rose ceremony, Jake decides to beat around the bush with, “You know Ali, if there’s anything specific you want to ask me, go right ahead. Anything at all. I’ll answer them. Like, you know, last rose ceremony where you couldn’t stop trashing Vienna. Go right ahead and ask. Ali: “Nope. I’m good on this end. Got nothing for ya’.” Yeah, that didn’t go over well. Jake finally tells her he knows she has problems with Vienna and then drops the hammer on her. “I’m not seeing what you guys are seeing in Vienna. She’s incredibly honest with me. She lets me know she’s here for me.” BOOM!! Probably not something Ali wanted to hear on her 1-on-1 date with Jake. And probably pretty telling considering what we know about the show’s ending. Vienna has Jake completely brainwashed at this point, and now he’s even telling the other girls how great he thinks Vienna is. This can’t be what Ali wanted to hear at this point. So she does what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation. Shove her tongue in his mouth and pretend he didn’t just say that. And then wraps it all up by saying, “I don’t understand what he sees in Vienna. But it’s not my business to understand it.” Uh huh. Sure. Nice try. Then they ran into the water and she messed up her boots. Happy, happy, joy, joy. The sh** is gonna hit the fan next week.
-Final cocktail party before the rose ceremony and Jake pulls each girl aside. Well, everyone except Ali since she just had an all day date with him. Tenley is up first and she’s real excited to see him dance. Really? This dork? You want to see him cut a rug? So I think they tried to waltz around the room they were in. Jake sucked, but Tenley liked it. I think Tenley likes everything. Jake could’ve been stepping on her feet causing blisters, and I’m sure Tenley would’ve played it off as Jake just being funny. Sooner or later Tenley is going to realize she doesn’t belong on this show and maybe she’ll just take off. Or not. Lets just say Jake will not be a candidate for next season of “Dancing With the Stars”. You know, cuz’ he’s got to go back to being a pilot and all. And owning a limo company.
-Corrie’s last chance to save herself. Yep, she goes to the virgin card. “I want to let Jake know that just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” Ummm, what does that mean? She never really explained herself. My thinking is that if you’re a virgin, you better be in touch with your sensual side. And often. But according to Jake, “It’s not about sex appeal. It’s about heart appeal.” You have no idea how long it took me to get the blood stain out of my carpet once I heard that line from Jake and blood started spewing out of every orifice on my body. I was a complete fountain of blood. Who fed him that line? Awful. Just awful. Corrie seems to have a great heart. So apparently it wasn’t about heart appeal considering you dumped her.
-His time alone with Gia was uneventful as far as I could tell. She told him he passed one of her tests. Think it had something to do with not being a failed MLB pitcher that signed a lucrative deal with the Yankees only to be a complete bomb and got booed out of the stadium every time he pitched. And she liked the fact that Jake didn’t ever have the hots for Samantha Miceli from “Who’s the Boss?”
-I thought Jake’s time alone with Vienna was interesting considering he took her back to the suite he was staying in as they overlooked the city on his balcony. Hmmmmm, didn’t do that for any of the other women. Why did Vienna get to see his special suite and none of the other girls did? Especially right before the rose ceremony? Just layin’ the groundwork at this point.
-I fast forwarded through Chris’ chat with Jake. Didn’t care. I’m sure nothing interesting came out of it. Rose ceremony time. Jake speaks. “A lot on the line…wish I had 5 roses (no you don’t)…absolutely amazing…heart is breaking right now…I think this is an easier decision than last week considering Corrie has the sex appeal of an acorn.”
Tenley Molzahn: She was very giddy this week. Even more so than usual. If only then she knew what was coming later.
Ali Fedotowsky: Uh oh. The sh** gonna hit the fan next week.
Gia Allemand: I liked the part in the video where they squeezed that black duct tape around her whole naked top. That must’ve felt quite comfortable.
“Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do next week with myself with no rose ceremony. Do I still get paid? Where do I stand? Who will do my math for me? HEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!”
Vienna Girardi: “Vienna and Jake, sittin’ in a tree…” I’ve already gotten bombarded with emails regarding the George Washington hairdo she had going on last night at the rose ceremony. Yeah, it was awful. Pretty self explanatory.
-So judging by the previews, next week is the week where Jake has been promoting something worse than the Rozlyn scandal and “on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a 10. It’s devastating.” As I said back on Jan. 6th, Ali leaves after the hometown dates. I don’t have 100% confirmation of the exact details surrounding it, or how it’s going to be shown on TV, but just to remind you, that’s what the big event next week will be. That part is fact. What I’m hearing now is speculation at this point, but, when Chris tells the ladies “There will be no rose ceremony this week”, it’s supposedly because all FOUR girls are told they’re going to St. Lucia. And THEN this is where Ali steps in and removes herself for whatever reason. So yeah, I’d say that’d be pretty devastating news to Jake where he invites someone to St. Lucia and she essentially refuses. Don’t run with it as fact, and don’t quote me on it just yet, but that’s what I’m hearing right now. If I get solid confirmation, or information regarding anything else, I will be back here before the end of the week. What you can report as fact is Ali is gone after next week, and she DOES NOT return. It’s just the how, why, and when she leaves is what I’m I’m trying to figure out. What I was told at the beginning of the season, was that she leaves for work related reasons. Whether or not that’s what’s shown is a different story. Maybe they’ll turn it into personal reasons that she can’t deal with Vienna being there. Whatever the case, that’s the reasoning for no rose ceremony next week.
Everyone who has contacted me regarding the March 5th-7th Vegas trip, I have saved your emails and will be sending out an update shortly regarding how you book the rooms under the group rate. I know I said Feb. 10th is the last day to book under the group code under the discounted rate, and that’s eight days away , but no worries. No one will get shut out. They’ve apologized to me for dragging their feet and taking forever to get the codes to me. If you want to join me on Twitter, my address is Twitter.com/RealitySteve. Or if you want to add me on Facebook, scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and click on the appropriate link. Talk to you later…