-Oh boy, time to talk about Vienna’s hometown date. It was the only date in the beginning where they didn’t specify exactly what city they were in. They just let it be known it was “Florida”. Probably a good thing. They really set the scene there with Jake and Vienna meeting in an alligator infested swamp. How lovely. Couldn’t think of a more romantic place for these two to rekindle their budding romance. Vienna: “I’m a Florida girl. This is where Jake is gonna fall for me.” And who wouldn’t in that lovely “Deliverance”-esque town you call home? Paris is supposedly the most romantic city in the world? B.S. Sanford, Florida is my cup of tea. I mean, in what other city when you’re boating around the lakes do you get to hear things like, “Hey, there’s a turtle over there on the log”, and “Ooooh look! An alligator!” I don’t know what the population is in Sanford, Florida (and I’m too lazy to Wikipedia it now), but after last night, I’m guessing it never grows by more than one in the next ten years. I’m SHOCKED that Vienna comes from such a place. Shocked, I tell you.
-More ex boyfriend talk while on the boat. Jake: “So has your dad liked everyone you’ve brought home in the past?” Vienna: “No.” Jake: “What about that one ex you eloped with that you milked his bank account to buy your plus 2′s?” Vienna: “No. He didn’t meet him til later. He was a good guy, he really was, but my dad knows this time it’s serious.” Oh, I bet your ex was a good guy, especially considering all you apparently got away with while he was over in Iraq. A former Hooters girl, mom is an ex-stripper, Miss December 2009 for some raggedy-ass bikini pin-up calendar, I mean – you can’t even make this stuff up if you tried. Next thing you’ll tell me is Vienna has always been an attention whore and wants to be famous someday. Whereas I’ve said in the past I have no idea what Tenley is doing on this show considering what she’s gone through the past year and her completely not fitting in with this show whatsoever, I can totally see why Vienna is on this show. And as much as everyone in America seems to hate her and think how white trash she is, if she’s not the perfect contestant to throw into the “Bachelor Pad”, then I don’t know who is. She’s competitive, no one will like her, she talks sh**, and she’s willing to do just about anything to be on TV. Hell, she might be the first reality TV contestant to sleep with every guy put in the house with her. Outstanding.
-Now it’s time to meet the man that produced this fine young spectacle of a woman. Vinnie is her dad’s name. Vinnie. I expected nothing less. Vinnie is a cross between Groucho Marx and the late Bruno Kirby, who played Billy Crystal’s best friend in “When Harry Met Sally”. And Vinnie is also is a solid judge of character. He lets Jake know, “I’m a pretty good judge of character, so I got a real good feeling about you.” Oh yes you are Vin Man. Starting with your daughter. You raised quite the little precious princess, didn’t you? And apparently Jake has him fooled as well. I mean, please. I think you could fool Vinnie with the quarter-behind-the-ear trick if you really tried. Jake wouldn’t even have to act or be phony to try and convince the Vinmeister he’s the one for his daughter. The fact that Jake still has all his teeth was probably the first sign to Vinnie that Jake and his daughter should make babies. Which I think they actually started trying to later on in the date. But that was after the back porch dinner.
-I loved the dinner scene. It was my favorite of the whole night. Out in the backyard, probably were eating some possum Vinnie had killed earlier in the day, mosquitoes flying all around, the backyard was filled with dirt and brown grass, I mean, it was so romantic, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Jake is totally in his element here, right? Right? I couldn’t even remember what was being said at dinner half the time because I was enamored with what I was witnessing. The Beverly Hillbillies had returned to TV! Hey, I’m sure the Girardi’s are very nice people who mean well, but lets face it, they’re a bunch of ‘billies through and through. Don’t tell me Vinnie doesn’t have an alligator skinned somewhere in that house. Or that there is a velvet couch somewhere in that house. Or that most of their meals are killed by Vinnie, Lisa, and the rest of their kin with their bare hands. Don’t tell me that’s not the case. I won’t believe you.
-Well either the dinner was my favorite part of the date, or Jake and Vienna making out in the back room was. This was straight out of high school. Them sneaking away to the back room, Dad barges in, “Oh sorry guys. I’ll leave you two alone. Jake, hope you got some good swimmers. You make me a happy granddaddy someday. You two keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. I’ll just be outside here listenin’ to the noises.” That was awesome. C’mon Vinnie, you didn’t really want 12 inches of space between Jake and your daughter did you? Vinnie is the best. I thought Tenley’s dad was my favorite ever. Nope. Not anymore. Vinnie takes the cake. He was a joy and pleasure to watch last night. I could’ve spent two hours checking out his antics. I seriously got a kick out of him. Sure he’s pretty out of touch with what the hell is going on in life, but hey, at least he was entertaining. Lets go skin a raccoon, Vinnie.
I LOVE Steve’s deadpan comments and the dry humor in the Bonnie Hunt segment. (not Reality Steve… Bonnie Hunt’s Steve)
Hey there. I know you probably don’t get to read all the comments, but in case you do…I have never laughed at anything on the Net (except YouTube videos of cats) as much as I have laughed at your blogs about The Bachelor.
I can’t help but think that most of the interaction between Jake and Ali was choreographed and scripted. There were too many times when she rubbed her face and made that little mewling sound and then look into the camera. And Jake…I’ve never seen a man with less real emotion (except an old boyfriend but we won’t go there).
This show is so not “reality”. It’s just a money-maker and they will continue to do what they do in order to make the money. It’s just a shame that their creative team can’t be more…um…creative and that they have to recycle scenes from previous shows…the rail crying, the PHONE CALL after leaving the show, the drama, the hokey phrases and just the unreality of it all.
I think ABC should think about doing a series where a man/woman dates two or three people for a whole 24 episodes and goes through the process of meeting family, friends, co-workers, and working out likes and dislikes and so forth to find the “right” mate.
I guess that would be too boring, though. But I’m not sure that there is anything on television more boring than this show. I only watch to see how manipulative and catty and lame it is every week.
Keep on Steve. I love you for making me laugh so much!
As a poster stated…anyone who signs up for this turkey of a show is fair game for all of us. If you hate Steve, don’t read his blog or comment on it. He is not doing it for popularity but for entertainment. Keep doing it your way Steve! You’re the best!
Although, it would be GREAT if Reality Steve went on Bonnie’s show and they both ripped on it!
As annoying as her little girl voice is, I honestly think she can’t help it. As Steve has pointed out, she is on the show for the right reasons, and does not fit in as a result. She could be Trista Rehn like in that respect.
Hmmm…Maybe I should rethink my definition of “right reason”. Perhaps for a show as hokey as this, being a contestant as a way into show biz IS the right reason. Perhaps some pragmatism is in order. I am reminded of Melissa Rycroft, who bartered her 15 minutes of national humiliation fame in exchange for a reporting job at ABC. (It was right decent of ABC to do that, arguably they owed her big time for that fiasco.)
I just wanted to clarify the size of Sanford, FL (having lived & worked there before). Sanford is what I’d call a suburb outside of Orlando (about 20 miles north of downtown Orlando). The population is around 50,000 people, so it’s not really a small town or a podunk as it seems- so it really bothers me that Vienna is trying to act like some country bumpkin when she’s not.
Yes, I agree that most of Ali and Jake’s session seemed so scripted to me and painful to watch, I had to fast forward through most of that crying session, a bit overkill in my opinion. Too much back and forth, make a decision and don’t look back, good golly and I thought I was indecisive i.e. chicken or fish, I don’t know, which one???I My theory, I think the producer’s told Ali she wasn’t his chosen one and said to follow along with this script and you’ll be our number one consideration for the Bachelorette. From my understanding, they won’t let you be on the show unless you can commit to 6 weeks AND you can’t have phone access, internet or TV therefore no one can get a hold of you. I can’t imagine her saying, hey; I can only stay “so long” otherwise I have to go. I just don’t buy that but that’s me. I’m a die hard Reality Steve reader/follower but I think something is “off” about that information he received. If it’s true, then I don’t believe she was truly in it to find love with Jake otherwise she would have stayed and perhaps her entire motive was to get on the show, get her 15 minutes and be considered for her own show.
rs,
Tenley cried when she saw her mother, her and her died both cried when she was talking to him, her mom cried when talking to Jake, Jake cried when getting her dad’s permission, the dog cried when Jake sat on his chair, the sister cried when Jake ate all the food, Mike Fleiss cried when he saw his 3rd cousin Heidi on “Celebrity Rehab”, Ryan Callahan cried when Rozlyn laid her head on his shoulder, Chris Harrison cried when he realized all four hometown dates were done and there was still 45 minutes left in the show, Gia cried because she heard Tenley was crying, which then in turn made Vienna cry, and Ali caught wind of all this happening and cried because her grandmother spoke to her and said, “Get the hell off this show, go back to work, and make sure Jake never visits here again. He’s too short for you anyway.” So basically what I’m saying is, there was a lot of crying on this hometown date in case you didn’t notice. Even Maddie was crying. Why? Because daddy got mad at her for deciding to use my floor as her personal toilet when she knows she’s not supposed to. Bad girl. ”
I am still laughing and pounding my fists on my desk. My co-workers think I have lost it. Keep it coming.
First of all, I have to say that reading your blog is the highlight of my week! I regularly laugh out loud when reading it, so nice work.
Second, I was at an event yesterday and who was standing at the step-and-repeat waiting to interview the next B-list celebrity to walk up? None other than our favorite Chris Harrison. I almost laughed when I saw him standing there because of all your comments regarding him branching out to the TV Guide channel, but I managed to refrain. And for anyone who wants to know exactly how short Chris is—and therefore Jake—I can tell you: they’re pint-sized. I had about 4 1/2-inch heels on, which makes me about 6′ tall, and Chris was AT LEAST 3-4 inches shorter than me. I’m talking 5’9″ on a good day…like if he borrowed Jake’s cowboy boots with the higher heels.
And finally, while I love your sense of humor and spoilers, I just have to say one thing because I’m an editor and I just can’t help myself: It’s “voila,” not “walla” (see Jan. 18 entry). =D
Elodie:
Well ain’t you one to talk about poor grammar skills.
Quote: “Your good for learning the the facts in terms of who’s staying and who’s leaving. As for the rest, I get the biggest laughs out of your English.”
My dear, you should have put ‘you’re’, not ‘your.’ And you repeated the word ‘the’ twice. I also noted a few punctuation errors. I assume your comment about Steve coming from a “lower middle class” family is to imply that you are upper class. What excactly does proper grammar have to do with class background?
If you’re going to play grammar police, I suggest you be extra careful the next time you red ink a post.
To Reality Steve: I read on votefortheworst.com that Howard Stern is in talks to replace Simon Cowell.
Perhaps this whole Ali thing was a ploy from the start. Maybe Fleiss realized that Ali would be somebody the audience would fall in love with. So, the story that she could only take so much time off was concocted in order to make the audience feel sorry for Ali. She leaves alone (supposedly for something beyond her control), and the show goes on to offer her a second chance for love. All of the ‘sudden’ Facebook has a change of heart…
Like the grammar police stated, Facebook would not likely shy away from the publicity.
Being on Facebook Bachelor fan page it is almost scary the way people take this so seriously. People are almost creating fan fiction of how Jake & Ali will “reunite” and live happily ever after.
While it is nice to see people get so emotionally involved. I think some people are going really overboard. I can see why they hate RS so much. He bursts their fantasy bubble and brings them literally back to “reality”.
P.S. to
Well I heard that Roz is coming back! Yes she is going to return! How do I know? I saw it on page 236 of the script. A friend of a guy that had a cousin in prison who was a cellmate of a dude who was married to a gal that had a stepbrother who use to bang a cleaning lady of Chris Hansomes saw the script next to Chris’s toilet which had been cried on to a point were it was hard to read but was still dry enough to copy without distroying it. There was also a market study under the script that said 70% of the show watchers are gullable and believe that reality is reality.
Man I love a good laugh!
RS,
I laughed my a** off in the office. My co-workers were wondering what was going on. This is one of your best recaps. I can’t even begin. It was hysterical. You hit the nail on the head. I have followed your site since the Jason/Melissa/Moly fiasco and have enjoyed every bit. Keep it coming! I never laughed so hard at a blog. FANTASTIC
Kate
Steve,
I was really disppointed to see that you did not make fun of Jake constantly referring to proposing marriage to these nincompoops as “begging for their hand in marriage”. Go back and watch, he says it every single time. Pretty telling, isn’t it? Not asking, not proposing, not getting a blessing but BEGGING. Desperate loser.
oh, and thanks for all the snorts and giggles I get to explain away to my co-workers every week when I read your column. They just don’t understand your humor like I do.
@ carissag
Thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t believe Vienna’s BS about how she had never been in a big city. I knew then that she was from Sanford, which is a suburb or Orlando. Granted Orlando isn’t anywhere near the size of San Fransisco, but by no means is it a small town! She went to school in Orlando. The city has two major theme parks, decent night life and an NBA team for chissake. The country bumpkin act is ridiculous! The place where they saw the alligators, turtles etc. was probably Lake Lotus in Altamonte Springs, which is a nature park on the edge of a urban area. She’s just using the country bumpkin thing to get people to like her and make her look like and underdog or something. My dad has never watched the Bachelor but watched part of the San Fransisco dates while my mom and I were watching a couple weeks ago (its our weekly girls guilty pleasure night) and he saw Vienna for less than five minutes and declared her a “beaotch!”
Thanks Steve for the funny and all too entertaining column! I do wish they would break free from the recycling off of Brad’s season and give us somebody totally new again. The last several (DeAnna, Jason, Jillian and Jake … wow kinda looks like Ali’s former J boyfriend list) all are branches off of Brad’s season and its getting old.
Ignore what I said about Stern. Just checked votefortheworst.com and he is not in talks w/ american idol. Too bad. He would have been meaner than simon
That was funny- especially when he says it’s painful to watch.
@kathimcgraw
Not one comment about the creepy way that Vinnie hugged/kissed his princess, with his hand on her neck, almost combing her hair like a lover?? I’m disappointed in you all.
Thanks for the details. Makes sense. @bachshady
OK, they’ve moved the videos now over to the “Videos”column on the right hand side. Scroll down to “Best of Bonnie” Part 1 and Part 2 (total over 11 minutes) “Bonnie reviews the latest installment of…” – the picture shows a guy in a black sweatshirt/shorts and a brunette woman in a purple sweatshirt on the couch. Take a look at their comments of The Bachelor – hilarious! http://www.bonniehunt.com
Love the blog!! I don’t even remember how I originally came across it, but I now tune in every week to read your witty outtake. Keep it coming!
Was it just me, or did anyone else notice this … Right before Ali tells Chris that she needs to talk to him, they zoom in on her alone, and she mouths the word “now” as if she is needing cued to say her line. Then, she dramatically asks Chris to speak with him. Don’t get me wrong – I sure wish Ali had stayed over Vienna, but I still find it funny how scripted this show is … And, you don’t need half a brain to see that.
has anyone post this yet? It’s Tenley and her ex’s wedding page on “The Knot”.
http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?legacct=1&coupleid=3275641442468430&guestpassword=&MsdVisit=1
As much as I’ve enjoyed watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette over the years, I have to say this has been the most fun season yet. I’m enjoying it more than ever, not in spite of Steve’s spoiler blog but because of it.
I’m one of the rare people who has liked Vienna from the start. After all, she lives one county away from me.
I found this spoiler after I took a liking to the entertainment factor Vienna provides to the show. Reading this stuff has made it so much fun to watch how it all plays out.
My sister having flown on a Delta Connection flight from ATL to BTR during the last season adds to the whole Bachelor experience for me.
Corrie is a friend of my daughter….my daughter told me that Corrie has said she doesn’t want to have children. Did she possibly tell this to Jake and it was edited out? That would be a big strike against her.
To top it off, a friend of mine saw Vienna at the Seminole Towne Center mall last Saturday. She was just hanging out with a friend…yes, in Sanford, FL.
I must say that after last week though, I’m disappointed that Jake didn’t choose the only really normal girl in the remaining bunch. Why does Steve think he’s in the minority thinking Tenley had the only normal family? She DOES have the only normal family – any normal person sees this. This leads me to wonder if Jake is as normal as he appears to be.
@zombiehands: ugh. That was corny. And weird, in light of what we know now about the cheating and all
reality tv is harmful to your health? 11 reality tv contestant suicides known so far. does reality tv need to grow a conscience? article: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dangers-of-reality-television-plight-of-susan-boyle-touches-a-nerve-in-us-14329470.html#ixzz0fNRzp84b
I thought Ali was a cute girl next door, but she ended up being really whiny, annoying, and emotional. I will be glad for her that she gets her own show, but she seems to be a bit of a blonder DeAnna, a young girl who just wants fame.
I don’t think she is interesting enough to watch as a male viewer, but I can see a lot of women who like her. I think Ali is serious about marriage though, she’s not good looking enough to be a model or celebrity. I’m not sure there will actually be any guys out there who want to actually marry her, but good luck to her for trying.
She’s also not very rich, but she might have some good Facebook stock, and that could make her more appealing to some of the men. Hopefully she won’t get duped by a player like Ed.
Viewing this site is my first time and will be my LAST. Steve is an idiot. Listen people. Ali would have had to get back in touch with the show to find out how to get in touch with Jake. He is OUT OF the COUNTRY. So, of course, the show would have caught it on camera, Ali talking with Jake. Damn . Use your heads a little better, would ya? As far as Vienna goes, she is a troublemaker. Were you not paying attention to what her familiy said about her always having trouble with other girls, since SCHOOL?? She is low class. Steve has no insight to any of these reality shows. The producers do not let anything out! get a grip, get a life use your OWN MINDS!
Steve thanks for the post what a treat to read while on the pot. Honestly though I am disappointed that you made no comments about the rope lighting in the shed that housed Vinny’s Hog. Total classic moment. Can you imagine what Kypton would have thought walking into that place. What a Dive!!
Another thing at the beginning of the series when Vienna said her dad has bought her 5 cars because she cannot drive for s#*t. Tell me the cars she had purchased for her. Here are my top 5 vehicle choices:
1987 Chevy Celebrity Euro
1984 Buick Century Limited
1995 Geo Metro Lsi
1987 Ford Escort 2 dr Hatchback LX
and last but certainly not least.
1987 Chevy Surburban Diesel
She certainly did not have anything too classy in a gem of a property that Vinny owned.
Attention all Reality Steve fans: I am starting a campaign to get The Bonnie Hunt Show to bring RS on for a guest interview. They make fun of The Bachelor every week in their recap, pointing out how ridiculous & phony it is. I’ve already sent them an email with the request. Here is the link http://www.bonniehunt.com/show/respond/?PlugID=71
Unfortunately, her show is getting canceled this May, so she has nothing to lose by having RS on for an expose. It would be great if we can get him on a show with a nationally televised audience!