Sorry for not getting this up Friday afternoon. Meeting ran late and then the weekend hit and, well, I was busy. Great charity event Saturday night at the Palomar Hotel for the Child Abuse Prevention (CAP) Center of Dallas. It was an honor to be a part of it for the second year in a row, and would love to do it again next year. Especially when I outdid Mr Olympia in pushups. Well, sort of. You had to have been there. All in all a great time, and met some really interesting people. One in particular that I will introduce everyone to in the coming months.
I’m gonna cover “Dancing with the Stars” and “Survivor” in today’s column. I haven’t gotten around to last night’s “Celebrity Apprentice” yet, so that’ll be covered in Friday’s “Reality Roundup”. As for last Friday’s “Bachelorette” news, I’ve gotten a few emails regarding what I said, so I wanted to clarify a couple things for you. After telling you that someone from last season makes an appearance this season, I followed it with, “When I know, you’ll know.” Probably shouldn’t have written that directly after that sentence. Do I know who it is? Yes. Do I know any of the details regarding this person’s re-appearance on the show? Not all of them. So I do know, but only portions. We’re still five weeks away from the premiere. Hell, I never know this much with five weeks to go, but information seems to be coming to me a lot sooner this year. I was even texted information Saturday night while I was at the charity event.
For those that like to read into everything I say and think, “Ooooohhh, he said ‘last season’, maybe he means ‘last season of the Bachelorette'”. Uhhh, no. When I say last season, I mean last season. That would be Jake’s season. You people really need to calm down sometimes, seriously. It’s not that big of deal. So to be absolutely, 100%, perfectly clear (and I’m sure some people will STILL overanalyze this), but: Someone who appeared on Jake’s season of the “Bachelor” appears in Ali’s season. I know who it is, but I’m still getting the details of the context of how this person appears. And by sending me guesses hoping to get a “yes” or “no”, wouldn’t that basically be me giving you a process of elimination to work with? I’m not that dumb. But as I tweeted on Saturday, from some of the guesses I’ve seen and heard, nobody’s on the right track. I can see what you’re thinking about who would show up and why, and it’s what I expected you to think. You’re off. Back to the drawing board. Here’s something that’ll help you: It has nothing to do with helping Ali with her choices during the meet and greets on the first night.
Also, since everybody is killing themselves trying to figure out what this scandal is, I will fill you in this Wednesday in my “Idol” recap about what I’ve been told so far by more than one source. It’ll be the basics of what the scandal is. If I happen to hear more info in the next couple days, I’ll include that as well. But I don’t think I will, so I’ll just go with what I know so far. Pretty crazy scandal. Definitely hasn’t happened before in the show’s history and I’m interested to see how it all plays out. I’m not sure if the person from last season that appears has anything to do with the scandal or not. That’s what I’m trying to find out.
“Dancing with the Stars”
Been a couple weeks since I talked about it, and Jake is still on the show. Booooooooooooooo. At least we know now he’s been in the bottom two once, so that means he’ll be gone soon enough. Thank God. His cheesy smiles, and facial gyrations during his dances are starting to give me the heebie jeebies. Jake is getting creepier the more he’s on television. And man, he sure is a whiner isn’t he? If I were Chelsie, I’d beat his ass. What grown man puts himself in a timeout? Really? I fully enjoyed him slipping and almost falling on his ass last week. Had me laughing. If only he would’ve face planted. That would’ve rivaled Marie Osmond passing out. It’s obvious to see who the pecking order is on this show and Jake is not in the top. To say he outlasted Buzz, Aiden, Shannen isn’t saying much at all. Congrats. If you go home this week, that just makes you the 4th loser.
I noticed last week that Erin said her back has been hurting a lot. Yeah, probably from lying on it all the time. Hey, Maks is heavy. Maybe she should mix it up and be on top sometimes. Ba-dum-bump! Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your wait staff, they do a fantastic job. Just as long as Erin sticks around longer, I’ll be happy. I don’t care if she’s any good at dancing or not. Neither do any other guys that watch this show. I’m strictly enjoying her time on the show for the ummmm, uhhhhhh, interviews she does. She’s just fabulous in front of the camera. Especially when doing her hair naked in her hotel room.
Have you noticed that Brooke Burke is still adjusting to her co-hosting role? When the dancers come back stage after the judges rip them, Brooke is always very subdued, her voice is all somber, and she feels so badly for them. Then when they have rave reviews by the judges, she’s all happy, giddy and practically jumping up and down. I think she needs to be a little more objective. And Brooke, it’s ok to go one episode where you don’t mention that you and Derek used to be partners. Fans of the show pretty much know that already, we don’t need the weekly reminder. Thanks.
I got a kick out of Aiden and Edyta’s pre-dance video package last week where they did a promotion aboard a cruise that I think only allowed women over the age of 65 to attend. Oh wait, it was for Soap Opera fans? Well, that explains it. I thought it was hilarious seeing a bunch of menopausal women chanting “Take it off!” to Aiden. Seeing those women act like that kinda resembles the women who act that way around the bachelor guys when I’ve been out with them. Except they’re 100 times worse. Sometimes I just want to go up to those people and shake some sense into them. Do you people realize how ridiculous you look? Guess not.
No matter what Nicole and Derek do, and no matter what the judges say to them, just assume she’ll never get lower than an 8 the rest of the season. Last week, the judges were the harshest they’ve ever been to them, yet they got 9’s and 8’s. Huh? Yeah, no favoritism there. You’re not at all trying to keep them around til the end. Which makes sense since they’re the best dancers, but still. It’d be nice to show at least SOME objectivity when judging this thing. While you’re at it judges, feel free to throw in a couple 4’s for Jake. Just say his dwarfism is bothering you and you don’t like his fiancé. That should be enough.
I hope the people voting for Kate Gosselin understand what they’re putting the rest of America through. The judges can say what they want about last week’s performance, but I thought it sucked. She’s a terrible dancer. No two ways about it. And she’s also the biggest “Debbie Downer” walking the planet. Is that woman ever happy? Ever? Kate, you’re getting paid six figures (again) to show everyone how big of a bitch you are. You should be grinning from ear to ear. I love when she told us, “I feel pity for him”, meaning Tony. Yeah, so do we. He has to put up with your sorry ass for six hours a day. Tony Dovolani is like the happiest human being walking the planet and even Kate is wearing on him. I cannot wait to see the next guy that she ends up dating. He will be instant tabloid fodder from Day 1. Have fun, buddy. Whoever you are.
Before everyone blows a gasket on JT’s decision, you need to put yourself in JT’s shoes. Was it dumb to give Russell the idol? Of course. It’s dumb to ever give anyone else the idol in any circumstance. But so many of you are forgetting that none of those people had a clue who Russell was or what he did last season in Samoa when they arrived on the beach. If they did, he would’ve been the first one voted out. Jeff Probst seems to think Russell had no advantage or disadvantage by none of the other players knowing anything about him. I tend to disagree with that, but it’s definitely a debatable subject. On one hand, he says everyone was told that Russell was placed on the Villains tribe for a reason, and out of 19 previous seasons, they deemed him enough of a villain to cast him as one of the 10 best to ever play the game. So his castmates, just because they hadn’t seen him play, could’ve easily voted him off night one for fear of the unknown. They didn’t do that. And now they’re paying the price. Lets face it, if we all agree that he would’ve been voted off night one if they had seen him play before, and he’s still around, then yes, he has an advantage.
As for JT, his biggest mistake I think was just assuming there was an all female alliance with the villains. Where did that come from? Just because there was one guy and five women, that’s the automatic conclusion? Giving Russell the idol was a GENIUS move – IF there was an all female alliance. So that’s where I can’t fault JT for thinking about strategy and playing the game. If he guessed right, then his five goes to the merge with the upper hand. Problem is, he guessed wrong and now they’re about to pay for it. So I wouldn’t kill the guy that much for giving Russell the idol, I just think he was stupid for assuming there was an all female alliance. Yes, it was a dumb move, but not nearly as dumb as James getting voted out with two idols, or that one guy from Fans vs Favorites playing a fake idol that Eliza called “just a f***ing stick!”
The one thing about last Thursday’s episode that was most surprising to me? JT’s penmanship. Holy crap! What guy handwrites as well as he does? And lets face it, JT isn’t a Harvard grad by any means. The guy raises cattle lives on a farm. I was blown away by how well you could read his handwriting. I was half expecting it to be in crayon and he would hold the crayon like a 2nd grader would. Gotta give it up to the guy, he has better penmanship than most women. Outside of writing a check, or taking notes at a meeting, I can’t remember the last time I ever wrote something with a pen that was more than a paragraph long. 10 years? 15 years? Amazing isn’t it? With computers and cell phones being so prominent nowadays, who writes anything long anymore? I’m guessing not many people. If I tried to handwrite something right now, it might go running off the page. In fact, I don’t know if I even remember HOW to handwrite certain letters of the alphabet.
This season has been so good, it almost seems scripted. They couldn’t come up with some of the sh** we’ve seen this season if they tried. JT’s letter to Russell was one of the top 3 moments in this show’s history behind Hatch winning and Jenna and Heidi stripping down for chocolate (yes, these are my top 3). As much as I give credit to JT for having the penmanship of a 4.0 high school valedictorian, the sentence structure and point of his letter was straight out of grammar school. Telling Russell “Don’t Show This to Anyone!” and “Throw Away Immediately After Reading!” were downright hilarious. I wrote those same exact things to Christie Mulligan in 8th grade because I was trying to make out with her. Don’t really remember what I said, but passing notes was HUGE back in the day, and you didn’t want it ending up in the wrong person’s hands. All notes had to come with that disclaimer. Can’t remember if my letter succeeded or not, but seeing JT’s letter to Russell sure took me on a trip down memory lane.
Ok, back Wednesday with your “Idol” recap and the basics of what the scandal is this season on the “Bachelorette”. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. See you Wednesday.