Yes, I know I told you that I didn’t want to release spoilers in pieces, however, ABC released a copy of the first episode out to the media yesterday (minus the rose ceremony), so that they can start putting their reviews online. Well, the media isn’t allowed to give away any of the major stuff that happens. They can only talk about certain guys and what people said, etc. Well that’s where I come in. I’m here to tell you what the media can’t. I figured since the episode is already out there for some to see, and the reviews you may be seeing in the next couple days won’t have any spoilers in the them, I’ll fill you in. Did I see the episode? No. You need a username and password on that site to watch it. Gee, shocking I couldn’t sign on and get one of those. Doesn’t matter. Didn’t need to.
These will be the only “spoilers” I release before my column coming shortly that maps out the whole season. So I won’t include last names of these guys today, just because I’ll put that all in the major spoiler column. Seems it’ll work easier that way. Plus, the first episode doesn’t have many major spoilers anyway other than who gets the first impression rose and one other pretty big thing that happens, which I’ll get to in a second. Nobody really cares about the eight guys who get sent home anyway. So without any further adieu, here are you spoilers for the Meet & Greet episode of the “Bachelorette”:
Starting off with the press release, let’s just make it real simple for you. I’ll take the quotes from their press release and tell you who they’re talking about, along with anything else I can add that I know.
“One outdoorsman literally tries to reel her in…” That’s Kyle. He gets booted the first night. Fish hooking chicks is not cool, man. Unless you’re performing the…forget it.
“A hunky skier does a death-defying back flip off the limo…” That’s Jason. He gets booted the first night as well. Hope that was all worth it, bud.
“One man even gets down on one knee and proposes…” This is John C. from Seattle. There is a Jonathan, and he’s the weatherman from Houston.
“An aspiring writer is the first to snag some alone time with Ali, sharing his very inspiring story…” This is Frank. Dude quit his job and lives with his parents. Maybe his inspiring story is that he wakes up before 11 every day.
“One man scores some points with a sentimental scrapbook he made for her…” That’s Kirk. Don’t know what the hell is in a scrapbook for a person he’s never met, but, uhhhhh, ok. And if it’s a scrapbook of himself, well, that’s a bit self-serving if you ask me. Not to mention gay.
“But one clever guy steals the show and Ali’s attention with a heart-felt, hilarious song, accompanying himself on a ukulele…” Obviously should come as no surprise that this is Hunter. Apparently he’s a one trick pony with that ukulele since he was doing the exact same thing on the video I posted of him a few weeks ago.
“A sexy Latin bachelor seizes the moment to take Ali outside and teach her some salsa steps…” This is Roberto. Roberto, Latin, salsa dancing – no way!
“Another handsome suitor rips his shirt open to reveal his professional wrestler alter ego…” Ahhhh, our boy Justin. His “alter ego” is “Rated R”. To say I’m going to have a field day with him this season would be an understatement. Justin is also the contestant this season who is on crutches. Apparently he broke his ankle wrestling before coming on the show.
“A rugged country guy gives Ali a beautiful hand-crafted wood necklace to make his point.” This is Jesse. Needless to say, you will not find that necklace in Tiffany’s anywhere.
“Chris comes to the rescue as he brings in a ballot box and instructs the men to each write down the name of a guy they feel isn’t here for the right reasons. Tensions rise and tempers clash as the men size each other up and call each other out.” A common theme this season. Nice casting job, ABC. You thought Vienna and Ali were enemies last season? Won’t hold a candle to every-guy-in-the-house vs. Justin.
“As the men battle, Ali scoops up the first impression rose and offers it to someone who swept her off her feet.” Chalk one up for all the Latinos! Roberto gets the first impression rose. Definitely a first in this show’s history. Token minority person cast actually getting some love? Who’d have thunk it?
“When the votes are tallied, one bachelor gets an overwhelming number of votes. But even though he is a marked man, Ali gives him some private time to convince her that his intentions are sincere. But will he have done enough to get a rose?” Yeah, that’d be Justin. And no, he’s not going anywhere. She keeps him around. I’ll just go on record right now and say it. Justin is going to be the biggest villain in this show’s history. Bigger than Wes. Women are going to hate his ass. More to come…