Bachelorette 6 Recap – 6/21/10 Plus Your Official Ending & Jake and Vienna Dunzo!

-So Ali and Kirk’s 1-on-1 time starts and immediately my stomach starts feeling queasy. No, not because of the chicken Caesar salad I had last night. But more to the fact that these two went shopping and wore matching sweaters together. Might as well throw that on the list with people who have three or more kids whose names all start with the same letter, people who dress their dogs, and people whose name is embroidered anywhere on their clothing or on their belt buckle, as things in this world I can do without. And God forbid I ever saw a family portrait with everyone in matching sweaters, the dogs dressed up, and all the kids with their names engraved on their shirts, I might actually commit a homicide. Kirk informs Ali that he hasn’t had a relationship that’s ever lasted more than a year. Well, I’m shocked actually. I’m shocked he didn’t say six months. Any guy willing to wear a matching sweater should never be seriously considered relationship material since that means his nuts are firmly inside his girlfriend’s purse at all times. You might as well give your girlfriend your social security number, checking account number, and all your credit cards if she can convince you to wear matching sweaters. Maybe all that asbestos Kirk inhaled really did screw with his brain.

-Speaking of Kirk’s health issues, he broke down last night and explained everything to Ali. In case you were wondering if what he was saying is true, it’s explained here on this website: Kirk DeWindt Civil Suit. He explained that he used to be world class runner. All-American, 8th in the country in the 1500M, until he got sick. Had to throw that in there Kirk, didn’t ya? Couldn’t just say running was a big part of your life. Had to throw in exactly how good you were in hopes that maybe Ali liked dudes who run long distances in dove shorts. Surprised he didn’t give us all his times from all his meets. Maybe you can let her wear your letterman’s jacket when you take her back to Wisconsin for the hometown. Because nothing says “clinging on for dear life” than talking about how good of an athlete you USED to be. Hey, by the way, did I mention I was an all-state basketball player in high school? Just checking.

-Kirk and Ali’s date seemed to be going fine. Nothing too crazy, he explained his sickness, she felt bad for him, then he transferred his asbestos into her mouth over dinner. Kirk tells her how much Ali inspires him to be a better person. Well then good thing he came on this show. I mean, can you imagine if he didn’t? He’d be walking the streets of wherever every day of his life completely uninspired. But now that he was cast on a fake reality show with producers telling people what to say and manipulating as many situations as they can, now he’s found a will to live. You know, on one hand, hearing lines like that on this show make me puke. But on the other hand, look lets be honest, if you’re one of the guys, and you’re in your ITM saying, “You know what? Ali really doesn’t do it for me. Not really into her. I don’t think I could ever see myself dating someone like her and I’m not attracted to her whatsoever”, chances are you’ll last about four seconds on this show. So OF COURSE every guy is gonna gush about her. And OF COURSE they’re all going to talk about falling in love with her. That’s what you have to do if you want to stay on the show. The last thing they’re gonna do is keep someone on who has no interest in the girl that was chosen for them. It just gets nauseating hearing the same exact things every single season. Come up with some new stuff.

-Back at the hotel, Kasey is stressing. No, not because his singing career is rivaling William Hung’s, but because he’s got his 2-on-1 date with Justin coming up, and he’s still torn about showing Ali his tattoo. So Kasey does what he does best. Reaches into his bag of romance-novel lines and comes up with these beauties. “I want to be a man. I want to be a man for Ali…I’m not just looking to stick around, I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. I’m Kasey Kahl, I’m a dreamer. I love to love, I love to give, and I love to share.” This guy is a beauty. Seriously becoming one of my favorites ever on this show. Just for pure comedic value. I could listen to this guy spout off nonsense like that and sing crappy songs for hours. Keep goin’, Kasey. Gimmie more. Tell me how “I wanna know what love is. I want Ali to show me”. Kasey could make some good coin after this show bottling up all his little one liners and publishing a book. Or throwing them in fortune cookies. Who wouldn’t buy a t-shirt that says, “That’s my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.” Or maybe setting up a booth at the local fair and giving love advice for $1. Think big, Kasey. Think big.