Bachelorette 6 Recap – 6/21/10 Plus Your Official Ending & Jake and Vienna Dunzo!

-Group date time. This date really wasn’t all that they made it out to be in the press release. You know why? Because the word “spelunking” was never uttered. That was disappointing. Well, at least not anything they showed. If I was on that group date (and I guess if you believe I’m secretly Craig then technically I was) the minute I heard that we were going “spelunking”, the jokes would’ve been non-stop. Like, “Are we spelunking as a group, or just one at time?” “Can I spelunk in the dark?” “How do I spelunk with all these harnesses on me?” I think at some point, I probably would’ve been kicked off the date for acting like such an ass. Whatever. Please please please tell me at least a couple of the guys dropped some spelunking cracks on that date. That would make me happy. Since nothing else on this show matters, and I don’t care who the hell ends up with who, nor do I care if any of these people ever build a connection with Ali. I watch for pure humor and entertainment. That’s it. Nothing else. Until the end of time, I will never comprehend people who get so wrapped up in these people’s lives and hope they stay together or fall in love. You don’t know these people. Why do you care so much? How many times do those people have to put their hand on the hot stove before realizing they’re gonna get burned? It’s a fascinating study in social behavior watching the crazies get all worked up over who she picks vs who she doesn’t pick.

-Not to wish ill will on any of these people, but the only thing I could think of while watching all of them go down into the cave was, “What if there was an avalanche?” I mean, I know you can’t plan for these things, but that seemed to be an awfully risky group date. Can you imagine if something like that happened? They’d have to start eating each other like in that movie “Alive”. And god knows the guys would start chowing down on Ali immediately with all the extra “padding” she had. Ok, that was horrible. True, but horrible. Hey, she even admitted to adding about 15 lbs during filming. So if she can admit it, I can certainly point it out. Would it prevent me from making out with her? Absolutely not. I’m still on Team Ali Fat-otowsky. Ok, I’ll stop. She’s already self conscious enough as it is. No need for me to jump all over our “Fat-chelorette” this season. Ok, seriously Steve. That’s enough. It’s childish and stupid. But it sure makes me giggle. Ali isn’t fat. There was just more of her love towards the end of the season.

-So the guys head on over to the Blue Lagoon to chill naked with Christopher Atkins and Brooke Shields. Or something like that. Ali certainly must’ve seen that movie back in the day since she had no problem whatsoever immediately stripping out of her clothes and into her bikini. Then again, might’ve had something to do with the fact she was completely plastered on that date. Good lord. I question whether or not she would’ve been able to touch her finger to her nose at that point. The Blue Lagoon, according to Ali, was a lake “with healing properties” and was “pretty magical”. Probably because you were so sauced at that point. Anything would’ve felt like you were being healed in the state you were in. They could’ve told you it was one giant hot tub time machine and you probably would’ve believed it. So she goes out into the lake with Ty, straddles him, then asks, “So what’s been your favorite part of this so far?” If I were Ty, my answer would’ve been, “You mean before you gave me this giant hard on, or before?” I think Ali was just fishing for compliments at that point. I mean, you’re straddling a guy half naked in a lake. Chances are he’s gonna give you the answer you want to hear at that point. Hell, I certainly would.

-Chris gets a chance to corner Ali in the lake and Ali asks him about his past relationships. Chris says a couple times he’s changed for the girl in his past relationships. Translation: I was p***y whipped. Can’t believe he admitted that. C’mon Chris. Don’t change for a chick. You know why? Because then they’ve won. That’s a huge difference between men and women when it comes to relationships. Guys want their women to stay exactly the same from when they first met them. Women want to change their men. Sorry ladies. Ain’t happening. You may think you can change us, and maybe you will for a period of time, but eventually, we are who we are and that’ll show in time. And if a woman completely changes a guy, then his life is pretty much over as he knows it. He’ll never get it back until they’re done. I’ve seen it happen one too many times to know I’ll never go down that road. Try as you might, no one is changing me. I will always be a sarcastic, opinionated ass who likes sports and hates drama. No time for it in my life. Maybe I’m a little too quick to bail sometimes, but I can usually tell pretty good if someone carries a lot of drama around. If I see it, it’s a huge turn off and I’m usually done. There. That’s a little insight on me what I like and don’t like. Applications still being accepted.

-Frank is being a big weenie again and getting bothered when the other guys speak with Ali, his #2 girlfriend. So when he finally gets time alone with her, she kicks him right in the nuts and tells him to stop being such a wuss and disappearing on the group dates. Make an effort to actually talk to her instead of sniveling that all the other guys are talking to your 2nd girlfriend. Frank takes her criticism like a man. Frank: “I need to be here for her. I want to be the guy that proposes to Ali.” Uh huh. Sure you do. Nicole would be awfully upset if you did that. Like I said in the spoilers, this is all going to end very badly for Frank. I’m starting to wonder which I’ll receive more emails of: the ones that start with “Now that Jake is single, do you think Ali…” or the ones I’ll eventually get after the hometown dates that say, “Why would Frank constantly say all those things to Ali if he was still in love with his ex”? The answer for both: Because the show is fake and stupid and none of it is real. How’s that? Now, could the show choose to have Jake show up on the ATFR show? Sure. But there’s a difference between having him show up, and having Ali take him back. I could tell you til I’m blue in the face, and Ali can release her statement about how it’s over with her and Jake, and I STILL know people will think there’s a chance for those two. You shouldn’t. They’re done. Accept it. Move on.