The Bachelor 15 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 1/3/11

For episode-by-episode spoilers of Brad’s season, click on the link above that says “Bachelor Brad Spoilers”. It has a breakdown of every date, rose, and elimination, all the way down to Brad’s final choice. However, there will be spoilers talked about throughout the course of this column. You’ve been warned.

Thanks to everyone who made it out to Bailey’s last night. It was a lot of fun, I drank much too much wine, but dammit, that Filet and Fries got me again. Best meal I’ve had in a while. I know with over 100 people there last night, it was difficult to hear the TV, so I apologize for that. But it definitely looks like we’ll be back there for the finale, with the audio problem fixed. Plus, with more time to promote it, looks like I’ll be able to get a few more former contestants to show up. Have already talked to a couple more that said they would, so, keep your calendar open on March 14th, and I’ll periodically update you on any new people that will be attending. Thanks again for coming out, and I apologize if I didn’t get to talk to some of you. I was trying to watch the show and meet and greet people and got a little overwhelmed at times. My apologies.

Let’s get to something immediately that has been asked to me more than anything else in the last 5 months, but I’ve yet to comment on, and that’s the Reality Steve Dating Contest. I’ve never been one to talk about my private/dating life in my column. Never have and never will. And I told everyone back in July when this started that this was never going to be for public consumption, but that when it was all said and done, I would briefly mention any results that may have come from it. Well, it’s over. And I’m still single. I had a few girls visit me here, and for one reason or another, it just didn’t work out. Wish them well. I gave it a try, it didn’t work, so that’s that. No hard feelings towards any of them, but either I wasn’t for them or they weren’t for me. Or both. Such is life. Moving on.

If you haven’t been back to the site in months because you only care to read when the show is in session, well, you have a lot to get caught up on. I was updating as the show was filming on what you were gonna see, as well other tidbits about the show and some of the women. So go back and read all of it. Why? Because it looks like on every Friday of this season, I will have a new column up talking about things regarding this show. Much shorter column, maybe some notes and tidbits I forgot about or didn’t get to in my Tuesday column, but I’m also going to include a feature of “Reader Emails”. They are mostly going to be emails that I get asking questions I’ve already given answers to, silly/stupid questions that I don’t have answers to, or even just the hate mail. Just want to fill people in on some of the asinine stuff I get when this show is in season, with my comments thrown in. Already got the first batch ready to go. Don’t worry, I won’t be re-printing these people’s emails addresses or even giving their names. I’m not that cruel. Just want to have a little fun at their expense because, well, that’s what I do. On to last night.

-Because of such a late start to this column, due to a late night that didn’t have me arriving home til almost 4am, and not getting to actually watch and take notes on the show until this morning, this will definitely be a shorter column than usual. But ohhhhhh is there definitely plenty of garbage to cover for Brad 2.0. Let me say right off the bat that I actually like the guy. Some of you hate him, some of you think he’s a dumb hillbilly who talks too slow, etc. That’s fine. I don’t know Brad personally, but there’s something about the guy that I find genuine. I don’t know. Call me an idiot. But he’s definitely been put through the ringer and seems to have gotten himself through it. However, with that said, enough of the “intense therapy” talk. Ok, we get it. Daddy never took you out for ice cream and that’s why you dumped DeAnna and Jenni. Whatever. I felt last night that if Chris Harrison would’ve given Brad a noose, he probably would’ve hung himself. This guy is beating himself up waaaay too much. I half expected him to clock himself in the face a few times during the episode. Calm down, Brad. It’ll be ok. The check they scratched you to be the “Bachelor” isn’t gonna bounce, you’re successful, you’ve got a sweet pad in Austin, and Chantal wants to do you. Life is grand.

-The show opened with re-capping Brad and what I like to call the “Double Dump”. I love when he’s letting DeAnna go and utters the line we’ve seen a thousand times now of “I have to tell you goodbye” with his voice cracking like Peter Brady’s on “goodbye”. Gets me every time. Don’t know why I find that so funny, but I do. Sorry, DeAnna. I know it was tough for you stand there and take that. Ooohhh, and not to mention Brad leaving the podium and practically blowing his chunks into the rose garden off to the side while DeAnna stood there thinking, “What the hell is wrong with this guy?” I know a lot of you have forgotten, or never watched his first season, but I’m telling you, that final rose ceremony of him giving the Double Dump was some gut wrenching, riveting television I tell ya’. Jenni was a crying mess, only to be picked up at the airport by her boyfriend once she came from the show, and DeAnna was on her way to being the next “Bachelorette”. So yeah, getting dumped was the best thing that could’ve happened to those two.

-Then afterwards, they show us “Depressed, Mopey, Suicidal Brad”. Are we really expected to believe that guy sits on his couch by himself and re-watches his first final rose ceremony? Please. That couldn’t have looked more like a green screen if they tried. I get that they want to show us how down in the dumps this guy was after the first time around, but that was taking it to the extreme. He’s on his computer talking about what the blogs were saying about him (Hey, how come RealitySteve.com wasn’t front and center on that thing? Oh wait), he likes roaming the streets of Austin all by his lonesome in the rain, he gazes into ponds trying to see if the reflection looking back at him is really the man he wants to be. Half expected to see a shot of him walking into oncoming traffic after all that depression. On and on and on this went and I couldn’t stop laughing. I guess we’re supposed to believe Brad has turned in to Debbie Downer the last 3 years. Man, not really the most uplifting story to watch. Was the guy ever happy afterwards?

-But I think my favorite part of “Brad Womack: Clinically Depressed Individual Who Wants to Turn His Life Around” was hearing from his therapist, Mr. Thomas Parker PHD. Awesome. Apparently doctor-patient confidentiality is shot to hell when it comes to this show. “Hey, let’s put his shrink on and let him spill his guts about Brad!” Gee, and the doctor said, “Brad is a different person now”. Well no sh**. What else is the guy gonna say? “You know, after speaking with Brad numerous times over these past few years, I’ve come to the realization that he’s just as f’ed up now as he was back then. God help the poor 30 souls that he’s about to meet. This is one bat sh** crazy individual.” Hey Thomas Parker PHD, don’t expect a lot of repeat business after that performance last night. Most patients don’t want their quacks running to television talking about their private issues. Just because Brad laid down on your couch for a few sessions and could decipher what a couple of ink blotches on a piece of paper meant, doesn’t give you the right to flap your gums cuz Mike Fleiss comes calling. Thanks Doc.

-As for the shirtless workout session we got from Brad? Not impressed. On the shoulder presses, you want to go with the split stance, buddy. And make sure on the way down your arms don’t come down past parallel. At least, that’s what my trainer tells me. And your pushups? Please. Anyone can do those. Let’s see some explosive pushups using the Bosu ball. Jogging on a trail in Austin? Psshhh. 5th graders can do that. Let’s see some high intensity burst training. And speaking of the jogging, love the giant tat on his back. He’s got the male tramp stamp going, although it’s on his upper back so Chantal can see it when she’s behind him giving him the rusty trombone. I cannot believe I just said that. I’m going to hell.

-Is there a reason Brad showed up to the mansion in LA with only a carry-on bag that would fit into the overhead bin on a Southwest flight? Brad, you do know you’re the Bachelor, right? You do know this season takes about 6-8 weeks to film, don’t you? Might wanna pack more than a toothbrush and a couple pairs of shirts and shorts. And I hope they provided you with an iron since all stuff in your carry-on bag will get wrinkled. I hate that. I can’t stand carry-on bags. Are you a suitcase? Are you a backpack? Pick a side, dammit. Brad ends this first segment with, “I want something very real. And I want to let a woman in.” Ummmm, technically the goal is the other way around. You need the woman to let you in. And once you’re in, don’t stop for like at least 15 minutes. Preferably 30 or 45. But I understand at 38 years of age, maybe your stamina isn’t what it used to be. But hey, all it takes is one good swimmer and that’s when the babies can start happening.

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21 Comments

21 Comments

  1. teegoogles

    January 5, 2011 at 2:24 AM

    You’re in top form here, Steve! I almost peed myself over “Allicans.” Great post.

  2. Jen6172

    January 5, 2011 at 3:57 AM

    I thought the same thing about Brad’s “luggage” but then remembered that he didn’t have to pack any shirts. That cuts what he needed to pack in half. :-)

  3. piscesgirl

    January 5, 2011 at 10:18 AM

    Hey Steve,

    Enjoy reading this! I must say that ABC has done a great job with this guerrilla marketing campaign. What a great way to keep people watching the show and talking about it after it’s over than to have a seemingly “tell all” about the Bachelor but that’s marketed as not associated with the Bachelor at all. That’s why you will keep getting the spoilers because they are giving them to you. It’s brilliant really and ABC can keep pretending to be mad at you. Honestly, why would they be mad at someone who is hosting a viewing party and sparking interest in their show? I think you’ve got a great gig. Keep it up you stealth marketer you! I hope they are at least paying you well.

  4. HeidiT

    January 5, 2011 at 2:27 PM

    I always liked Brad that’s why I cringed the entire first half of the show with the whole I’m a loser campaign they had going I feel so sorry for this guy, he’s moved past it why can’t ABC? Could it have been more awkward? The entire DeAnna and Jenni meet and greet was a huge waste of time, and I couldn’t understand why DeAnna kept saying I don’t think you’ve changed I don’t trust that you’re going to pick someone BS blah blah blah, I thought she buried the hatchet with this guy and became friends? What was the meet and greet on 20/20 if they didn’t work things out? Neither DeAnna nor Jenni made out badly on being dumped, they both found the person they were meant to be with so Brad did them a favor.

    By far the best looking girl is Emily Maynard, and it’s not just because she’s from my neck of the woods, Charlotte, but she is clearly the most beautiful of all the girls. However, I wish someone would get rid of Vampira, I mean seriously Brad, fangs are sexy?? Sure she’s here for the right reasons. Between all the gratuitous bare chest shots of Brad and Vampira’s fangs, can anyone say Twilight?

    Anyway excellent blog as always had me laughing out loud. Glad it’s Bachelor season again as I look forward to your blogs.

  5. mja

    January 5, 2011 at 3:07 PM

    I saw just the second half of the show. I wanted to skip the Jenni/DeAnna reunion since it sounded boring. I didn’t watch Brad’s first season. But, it sounds like the first half did have some fun, with his shrink and all.

    Brad was more likeable than I expected — I skipped the last Bachelor series because I couldn’t stand what’s-his-name. I’ll watch more of this one.

    Too bad the girl with the fangs made it through to the next round. I think she’ll be around for at least a little while. Really off-putting.

  6. sweetness34

    January 5, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    I’m one of the people that mainly comes here during the season, so it was nice to catch up on the spoilers and read the first recap. Steve–you’re like an old friend–one that wears a robe and slippers, and lounges in a recliner. I enjoyed the first episode of this season and it’s clear that ABC/Fleiss are back to their usual ABCness/Fleissiness. I was cracking up through the whole show. A couple other observations (you covered most of it well):

    –When each woman would come out of the limo, Brad would chat with the woman and then watch her walk into the house. The look on his face when most of these ladies walked into the house was hysterical. He looked kind of exasperated half the night.

    –The season previews crack me up because they show the usual ABC comedy with this show. Surprise concerts by the stars, crying, and the standard “jump off a boat while holding hands with my date” scene. And I love how we’ve move past the “most dramatic season ever!” to the “most controversial season ever!”. Controversial–way to come up with a new word ABC producers!

    –Agree that Emily is next Bachelorette. Beautiful and likable.

    –I didn’t see Brad’s first season. He is smokin’ hot. Just had to add that. Love that they brought him back as he makes my hormones stir.

  7. Tiff_haze

    January 5, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    You’re hysterical. I’m so addicted to your site. I just wanted to tell you that my husband thinks everything Bachelor is lame, so he’s never listened when I say how funny you are. Well, I was reading one of your posts the other night and noticed that you used to work for Jim Rome, who, of course, being the MAN that my husband is, listens to daily. 😉 When I told him that and your full name, he immediately knew you as I don’t know… someone who calls for smack down or something like that. Anyways, just wanted to let you know that thanks to you, something Bachelor-related is finally cool in my husband’s eyes. =)

  8. Gabby

    January 5, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    Steve – love your sarcastic, slanted, sophomoric and skewed views! Love the Brad v2.0!

    Me, I love to watch the Bachelor for the comedy value. For example, at the beginning of last nights show, when Brad talks about being so alone after sending the last 2 ladies home in his previous season. That wasy absolutely hilarious!! What the hell did he think was going to happen? Reject 30 women, go home alone and he expects what exactly? Praise and adulation? I was almost in tears I was laughing so hard.

    Personal point of view, who cares that he didn’t pick a woman last time? What, he’s not allowed to end a “relationship(s)” that he apparently didn’t want? Got really tired of the whole “let me defend myself” thing during the show. Grow some balls, Brad. I’m pretty sure the majority of the women on the show have been dumped at one time or another. I’m also pretty sure their exes next girlfiend(s) didn’t ask for an explanation for the break up of previous relationship(s), televised or not. Shit happens, ladies. Get use to it. All of you, except one, will be dumped (yet again, I’m sure) within the next couple of weeks. SHOCK!!!

  9. Tammy

    January 5, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Love reading this–
    Thought for sure u were going to comment on the fact that they left off the very young ages of the women. Interesting… Of course I knew from reading your site but a lot of my friends were commenting on it too
    Can’t wait to read Friday. Thanks. :)

  10. gbmommy

    January 5, 2011 at 6:26 PM

    I have a question- Under the recap Steve writes that Emily was a Girl Next Door and in Peepshow. Is this the same sweet Emily that is the single mom with the race car driver dead fiance?

  11. hazelleosu

    January 5, 2011 at 7:12 PM

    “And what better way to get foreplay started then to have a chick on the first night digging between your legs and ripping hair off your junk. Sexy if you ask me.” Love you Steve! I almost choked, I laughed so hard when I read that.

  12. BellaAmor215

    January 5, 2011 at 7:19 PM

    You are just ah-mazing! Really,I love reading your blog. In all honesty, if it weren’t for “reality steve” I would have stopped watching when I found out Ali was the Bachelorette.

  13. mja

    January 5, 2011 at 7:38 PM

    My favorite phrase that is overused on this show: “here for the right reasons.” And what might those be?

    I think the phrase began being used a lot during Jillian’s Bachelorette season, referring to Wes. Now, it’s a standard phrase. With Wes, I knew they were referring to the perception that he was there to promote his career rather than to find love. However, this past Monday when several “ladies” were wondering whether the Bachelor himself was there for the right reasons… I mean, what are they talking about? I wondered what they think the right reasons are. To take it further, is anybody on this show there for the right reasons? What are the “right reasons” on a show like this?

  14. PhoenixStrength

    January 5, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    Steve, I agree with your assessment of who Michelle looks like, except I actually think she looks more like (in the face at least) Amanda Peet.

    Great recap, made me laugh many times. Love the new columns you are adding on Fridays.

    @gbmommy: It was a joke, Emily looks like Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend. The things he said were really about Holly, not Emily.

  15. Inky

    January 5, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    Great job Steve!!

    So for those of you out there that live some place other than Seattle I just have to pass on the best laugh of the night. Can you guess what company was one of the first advertising spots for the show? It has a prominent rose in several of the shots. Hint daddy is piggy backing on his little girl. Yes, a commercial for the O’Brian Auto Group. I about fell over laughing seeing those roses all over high end cars. All I could think is daddy O’Brian telling the producers that he will let his little girl go on the show if they give him commercial time during the show. I will take bets that O’Brian will have his spots on every show this season.

    Carry on Steve!

  16. Sunnyside422

    January 5, 2011 at 10:37 PM

    I skipped the whole first 1/2 hour knowing it was all about poor Braddy discussing his sad fall from grace! Really??? Dumped two bimbos and everyone is up in arms. Well maybe one bimbo…DeAAhhhna!

    I’d have left on my own when given the chance. Brad is dull and boring and no way is he attractive at all. Definitely a come down from Chris, but understand why he turned the show down. Too nice a person to get his life trashed by these producers. Thinkin that Brad is as lame as Fakey Jakey.

    Steve, once again had me sputtering and laughing out loud..this time sans the coffee I usually sip while reading your blog. I am so glad the snarkey Steve is back. Please remain the man we have come to know and love! And thanks for letting us know the ins and outs of the coming weeks. I have no interest in Chantel or any of the others. This relationship is going nowhere…mark my words.

  17. randais

    January 6, 2011 at 12:47 AM

    Knock Knock joke? Just rewatched it and still didn’t see it.

  18. guccilizzy

    January 6, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    Great recap. I skipped a lot of the show. I still don’t get why women other than DeAnna and Jenni would be upset with Brad. Like you’ve said so few people who get together on this show stay together. He seems to have done the right thing in his first season. I don’t think it had anything to do with being scared; rather he didn’t find the right person.

    Some misc comments:
    Michelle the DDS teaches dance??? She was a horrible dancer. Yikes. She seems a little nuts too.

    Emily is adorable. I can see her as the next bachelorette.

    Not a very attractive group of women this time around. Just saying…

    Can’t believe I’m sucked back in to another season.

  19. serpephone

    January 7, 2011 at 3:52 AM

    Awww, crap! I didn’t realize the season had already started! My DVR failed me. Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do… missed the viewing party, too. Looks like it would have been great fun… I’m about ten minutes from the bar. Maybe I’ll catch the finale viewing party.

  20. bahurupiya

    January 9, 2011 at 2:49 AM

    Come on, Steve, you’d be depressed too if it was raining inside your apartment.

    I sure hope his check for this season is enough for him to fix that roof.

    And Keltie is totally this season’s Tenley. If the way she hop-skipped back to the lineup after getting her rose is any indication, not to mention the promo of her making Brad to play mini-kick line, she’s this season’s Tenley on steroids. And possibly Adderall.

  21. LoveGravy

    January 10, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    FYI regarding the “knock-knock” joke, that part did play out the first time the episode aired at 8:00 PM, however, for some odd reason they edited that particular scene out when it repeated on the West Coast timeslot as well as Saturday night when they re-aired it. I can’t remember who said it but it was when they were doing their little meet and greets just coming out of the limos. Perhaps it was Ashley Hebert. I kinda remember the girl who said it was wearing red. It was a stupid knock-knock joke, regardless.

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