The Bachelor 15 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 1/10/11

For episode-by-episode spoilers of Brad’s season, click on the link above that says “Bachelor Brad Spoilers”. It has a breakdown of every date, rose, and elimination, all the way down to Brad’s final choice. However, there will be spoilers talked about throughout the course of this column. You’ve been warned.

So this past Saturday as part of the “Bachelor Gives Back” promotion, there was a blood drive in LA where former contestants from the show, along with public, got together and helped donate blood. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures by now considering they’ve promoted the hell out of it the last couple days. What’s interesting is that there will be three other blood drives in the coming weeks: In Philly Jan. 15th, Dallas Jan. 22nd, and Chicago Jan. 24. Wait, back up a second. Dallas? In 2 weeks? Weeeeelllllllll, might have to make a stop on over there and give my blood. Not sure of what all former contestants will be at that one, although I did speak to Wes and he said he might come up. Tanner’s in, and I believe Jeremy is stopping by as well. I’m just waiting to show up and get escorted off the premises by armed guards. Hey, funnier things have happened like, oh I don’t know, having me removed from a TV show within an hour of it airing. I sure hope they do kick me out of there. That’ll be quite a story to tell.

I’m glad a lot of you liked the new Friday column which will include “Reader Emails”. That was fun. And if you think last week batch of questions were good, wait til you get a load out of this week’s doozies, and it’s only Monday. I’m sure someone will come to me in the next few days with some good hate email, or a question I’ve answered one billion times. On your mark, get set, go! Who’ll be this week’s winner in “Most Ridiculous Email”? The clock is ticking. In fact, I’m even going to start taking some of the questions off of Twitter because I get PLENTY of asinine things asked to me off there. I’m trying to see if I can pass the one trillion mark of times I’ve been asked, “How do you get your spoilers?” Well gee, why don’t you all just gather ’round the campfire and I’ll tell you where and how I get all my information from.

One last note I’d like to mention about the dating contest. Since the column last week where I said that the contest is over, I’m still single, and that it just didn’t work out with any of the women I met, I’ve had a few of you inquire about, “Well, can we still send in applications now that you’re single?” My short and honest answer is no. I gave that route a try, and it didn’t work. I’m really not up for continuing to try it that way. If something develops naturally with someone, then great. But I really don’t want to go through that “interview” process again. It was hard enough as it was, and sure I’ll be questioning some of my decisions, as I’m sure some of the girls are. But as much as I appreciate the interest, I just don’t have it in me to go through it right now. I will let the cards fall where they may and hopefully I meet someone great in the future. The originator of the dating contest, Olivia Wilde, is going to have me on again a week from tonight on her internet radio show again talking about the show, and I’m sure she’ll ask me about the contest. I’ll have a link to that up here next Tuesday night if any are interested and want to listen and/or call in. On to last night…

-The show started off with Brad outside the house he stays at holding a football. Ummmm, does he play catch with himself? Last time I checked, no one else was in that house with him. However, we did find out in this past week that the house Brad’s staying in is the same house that Natalie and Dave stayed during their overnight date on “Bachelor Pad”. That is awesome. I love the fact that Brad gets to sleep in the sheets that Natalie and Dave soiled with their DNA. Must make for some real comfortable nights. Hope you’re enjoying the sloppy seconds, Brad. Or thirds. Or fourths. God knows how many times those rabbits went at it that night. With Natalie’s sexual appetite, and Dave’s enhanced testosterone level, my guess is double digits.

-Host Chris gathers the women around and explains there will be dates this season where the girls get to spend time with Brad. Really? I figured this time he’d just go with the ol’ “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” trick and land on Chantal and we could skip the next 2 ? months. Guess not. Oh well. Melissa is very excited for the upcoming dates. You know why? Cuz’ she’s a lunatic. “I’ve been thinking about this for 8 years. I’ve spent a fortune on clothes, dresses, and gowns. I even quit my job to do this.” You’re a waitress sweetie. I’m sure Applebee’s will have an opening when you get back to town. And what do you mean you’ve been thinking about this for 8 years? The show’s only been on 8 years. You mean to tell me when you first laid eyes on that questionably heterosexual first “Bachelor”, Alex, that you immediately started thinking about appearing on this show? Ok, you need some new career aspirations. And 8 years of shopping the best you could come up with was that plain red dress I’ve seen 1,000 times at high school prom? Well, not like I’ve been to prom a 1,000 times, it’s just, well, you know what I mean. I think. Let’s move on.

-Ashley H.’s 1-on-1 date is up first as Brad picks her up in a car and takes driving out into the middle of nowhere. Doesn’t tell her where they’re going, looks like they’re about to drive off a cliff, but then finally stop in a wooded area. Ashley is freaked out. Ashley: “Can’t really say I’ve been on any first dates on a deserted road in the pitch black.” Well then apparently you haven’t lived, Ashley. I mean, who hasn’t? That’s like one of my all time favorite things to do on dates. Gas up the van with no windows, take out all the seats, pick up my woman, and head off to the middle of nowhere. They find it very exhilarating and suspenseful as we pull up in a cold, dark place and I ask if they wouldn’t mind handing me the rope in the back seat. Whatever the case, it’s fun times all around. I recommend it to more people. You’ll be talking about it for days with your friends. It’s not the least bit creepy.

-Brad has Ashley pull a lever down and suddenly a whole man made amusement park lights up. I like the editing job on that one. Hey, I’m no electrician, but I’m guessing one pull of a lever doesn’t have every light and ride functioning within, ohhhhhh, five seconds. But hey, what do I know? Ashley is ecstatic. She loves the fact she’s in the middle of nowhere in the woods in a half gown/half tutu about to go frolicking around in an amusement park. As would any of us. Why? Because carnivals are the best. Who doesn’t eat like a complete pig at a carnival? Funnel cakes? Really? C’mon. If I lived near a carnival, I might have funnel cakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then again, if I lived near a carnival, odds are I wouldn’t be alive since I’d have most likely been shanked by a carnie. Probably the only disappointing thing about this date is that it wasn’t accurate enough in regards to the carnies working the rides. I refuse to get on a ride at a carnival unless I know for a fact it will be manned by a dirty, unemployed, homeless looking guy with 17 teeth perfectly spaced out inside his mouth. It’s then, and only then, will I feel completely safe being locked in a cage and spun around like a top while 80’s music blares and my life flashes before my eyes. Good thing the carnie is paying attention though, cuz I know if anything goes wrong, it’s that guy who has everything under control and will know exactly what to do.

-Ahhhhhh, one of the joys of carnivals has got to be the photo booth. I mean, how can you not jump into the photo booth at some point during your stay at the carnival? Which is exactly what Brad and Ashley did. And you know what? You’re never gonna believe this, but they didn’t take it seriously, and made funny faces. Is that a prerequisite at photo booths? Has any couple in the history of mankind ever gone into a photo booth and said, “Ok, let’s do this. Let’s be sure we look our best so we can make this our Christmas card picture this year.” Uhhhh, no they haven’t. They go in there and look stupid, inevitably half of someone’s face is missing from the picture, or, they take a shot of them kissing. So nothing new here between these two, although the kissing was tame. Brad waited til they got outside the booth before he said, “F-it, I’m going in for the kill”, and didn’t let her up for air.

-So on a positive note, Brad immediately comes out of the booth stupidity and declares, “I like this girl. I like this girl a lot.” Translation: I’m gonna tongue you down like you’re the last woman on earth. And they did. A lot of kissing. A lot. It was quite obvious (compared to the other 1-on-1 date later) who Brad is sexually attracted to. And who wouldn’t be? Say what you want about her choice of dress, but Ashley is an extremely attractive woman. You know how I know this? No, not because she’s got great teeth, a great smile, awesome hair, and fun personality. Nope. Well, I mean it is all that too, but, I’m gonna share a little secret with you: I saw her nipple. Don’t believe me? Ta-da! (To see what’s covered up, just click on any one of the pictures themselves)

Wanted to get three different sizes of it and break it down like the Zapruder film because, well, someone sent it to me and I thought it told a good story. With that story being they shouldn’t have put Ashley in a strapless dress if she’s going to be lifting heavy mallets at a carnival. Yeah Ash, I suggest you bitch to the editors about that one. I’m sorry, if a network show is going to give us a nipple slip nine minutes into the episode (7:09pm central time), it’s my job to make people aware of it. If I didn’t post this, someone else would’ve. And it’s not like Ashley has anything to be embarrassed about. We all know she’s hot, and this just confirms it. Why? Cuz nipples equal hot last time I checked. I blame the show. It’s unfortunate, but hey look on the bright side, I think I’m in love.

-Brad also won her a bear at the carnival, although, we didn’t ACTUALLY see him perform anything, we just saw him giving her the bear. So no props to you Brad for landing a coin on a glass plate. Or throwing a ping pong into a floating glass. I don’t believe you did it and neither should anyone else. Now it’s time to get serious. Ashley sits Brad down and tells her how much her father was absent in her life, which Brad can totally relate to. His dad once took four years to come pick him and his brothers up to go to the store. Must’ve taken the long route to get there. Anyway, it was a really heartfelt moment and pretty much solidified her to be around for another billion episodes. However, I had a really hard time focusing because while Ashley was talking to him, she was also conducting the show in sign language for the hearing impaired. Holy hand movement, Batman! It was almost like a free commercial for the Braille Institute. She uses her hands more than I do in the bedroom. And that’s saying a lot.

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35 Comments

35 Comments

  1. Dreamy

    January 11, 2011 at 8:39 PM

    Thanks Steve, entertaining as always!

  2. sclark

    January 11, 2011 at 9:20 PM

    OH MY GOD, you got my curiosity up to search “Michelle Money” online, and I think I found it… she was indirectly involved in the Jason/Melissa Young murder case… she was seeing the husband on the side, and was even served a search warrent for her home, apparently they thought she might have been involved at one point.

  3. sclark

    January 11, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    Here’s a quote from CBS News:
    Records show Jason Young and Michelle Money, a friend of Young’s wife, contacted each other 980 times within one month of the murder, and 51 times the day before. Michelle Money was the last person Jason Young contacted on the eve of the murder, and first person he called the morning of the murder.

  4. iowagirl

    January 11, 2011 at 9:40 PM

    I’m sure this will make it to the dumb question e-mails. In one post you made acomment about Emily being a Hooters girl. What’s up with that? Can’t quite see her going there. I’m sure it was sarcasm…but just curious.

  5. Julee

    January 11, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    Hilarious!

  6. Miss Kris

    January 11, 2011 at 11:01 PM

    sclark – I was about to say the same thing. She was the one involved in that murder. She also had affairs with athletes and other rich married men. What a sick b*tch.

  7. Miss Kris

    January 11, 2011 at 11:07 PM

    It says that Michelle attended sex parties regularly too and broke up several marriages. She also got pregnant in high school and gave the baby up for adoption at the instruction of her modeling agency. She cheated on her ex husband numerous times and then up and left him and their child to pursue her acting career.

  8. Miss Kris

    January 11, 2011 at 11:55 PM

    Actually, I don’t think she was the Michelle Money involved in the murder… but all of the rest is correct.. namely the affair with Carlos Boozer and forcing him to pay off her credit card debt.

  9. LynnMJ

    January 11, 2011 at 11:57 PM

    Steve, just for the record…I’m female and didn’t like Black Swan. Maybe it was hyped too much. Anyway, funny column!

  10. Sunnyside422

    January 12, 2011 at 12:19 AM

    I am happy to confirm that the snarky Steve is back! Super blog. Don’t ever become mellow! Loved all your comments and of course had me laughing throughout.

    I just want to say that I wish these women would realize they are being filmed at ALL times and behving like loonies is not attractive. All the shallow tears and drama…really this is your personality? Or better…a producer prodded you rather forcefully in your fake boobs and told you to get out there and make good TV drama!

    I think Ms. Emily isn’t the saintly one by a long shot. She can be had numerous times with the right offer! Too bad she makes it to the final two. Not buying the Southern Belle concept at all.

    The carnival was by far the lamest “date” I’ve seen thus far. How excited the 38 year old was to connect with his inner child and have a child along with him! Beyond stupid! I could only stomach a bit of that “date” and had to stop watching. Barf worthy.

  11. Sunnyside422

    January 12, 2011 at 12:29 AM

    Forgot to mention how incredibly sexy and handsome Roberto looked and how not, Brad looked. Brad, poor thing, has these slits for lips and those beady marbles for eyes. Roberto on the other hand is one fine speciman and has the much better body!

    And don’t be so sure that Ali doesn’t realize what she has in Roberto…he adores her and she knows it. Disagree, Ali is a very pretty lady. And why not appear on the show…they are under contract and must perform for this show.

  12. thewipf

    January 12, 2011 at 1:05 AM

    Two of my favorite moments were at the carnival. First was when they were playfully running around holding hands and Brad looks back at the camera guy to see if he was doing right. The second was after their kiss and Ashlee says, “can you do that again?” She said just like she was mimicking what the producers had been telling them all night long. “Hey can you two do that again we need to get a better angle.”

  13. sweetness34

    January 12, 2011 at 1:49 AM

    When the carnival appeared in the forest, all I could think of was the final season of Heroes. I kept thinking that creepy Samuel guy with the weird accent would jump out from the bushes.

    As for Jackie’s dating experience in college, not having a serious boyfriend in college usually means, “I spent 4 years partying and drinking beer with my friends while hooking up with random guys from frat parties and bars…boyfriend, schmoyfriend”.

  14. Caroll

    January 12, 2011 at 2:58 AM

    Note to Iowagirl: Steve was making a joke comparing Emily to Holly, (one of the three former Hef’s girlfriends from Playboy) as Emily looks somewhat like Holly.

  15. josie

    January 12, 2011 at 3:29 AM

    Steve,

    I enjoy your columns, I do, but you’re a bit pathetic panting over mediocre-looking flashes of nipples on the telly. I know you probably think it makes you seem cooler and compensates for you being a dude and watching a lame show such as The Bachelor. So to assert your manhood, you point out nipples and such. Well sadly, Steve, you come off like the creepy guy who jerks off in the dark, while spying on his neighbor undressing.

    Also, Ashley H. appalls me. Wasn’t anyone else turned off by the fact that she is an alleged professional–a dentist to boot–but uses the term “like” way too much and converts into childish behavior on her date with a man, squealing and saying silly things? It’s annoying. Furthermore, I loved their little superficial bonding.

    Ashley: “my daddy is like homeless. he like abandoned me.”
    Brad: “Omg like mine too! OMG we are two peas in a pod! How could this happen? It’s like the Twilight Zone.”

    Newsflash Brad and Ashley, whose daddy hasn’t left them these days? Um like hello, welcome to 2011. It’s not that serious. Get over it.

  16. Dianne

    January 12, 2011 at 2:36 PM

    Oh, my josie, aren’t we cynical. To some people, not having a dad means something. Obviously to you, it doesn’t, so YOU get over it.

  17. mja

    January 12, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    One of the better recaps I’ve seen in this column lately — really enjoyed it!

  18. jax71868

    January 12, 2011 at 3:50 PM

    Your recap was entertaining as usual. The spoilers and recaps make the show more entertaining for me. I have to give Brad props for getting rid of the two drama queens.

  19. Jane B

    January 12, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    I wonder how the producers decide who gets a one-on-one,especially at these early stages. I thought it was curious how Brad was saying Jackie was such an absolutely special person that she deserved such a special date. He doesn’t know her at all at this point. She also seems like a really nice girl, but not one who’d make it down to the final 5. Just found her a curious choice b/c that date seems like it usually goes to someone destined to go far or someone let go (a la Jason and Natalie). It would have been great to see psycho Michelle get that date… and go home that night once he realized it, she was awful, hope he saw that quickly.

    I have to say that this season makes the franchise seem really tired. The tv commercials were stupid, they were horrible vignettes with horrible acting. Especially after Ali just did it. Then the copycat carnival date. And the copycat phrasings “here for the right reasons”, etc. They need to come up with something new b/c it’s like watching re-runs with different people and getting less palatable each season, there’s nothing new to see.

    I can’t believe no one else commented on the amount of Botox this season! When Holly Madison and Brad were talking alone outside (sorry, Emily Maynard and Brad, I keep getting those two women confused) I noticed she couldn’t move her forehead, but then again, neither could he! Granted, he’s what, 38? But she’s 24! I’m sure she’s very beautiful but I’d love to see her without the inches of make up on and the perfectly set waves of perfectly highlighted white blonde hair. And speaking of that, whatever happened to the Bachelorettes doing their own hair and makeup?? It was kind of nice to see them getting ready and coming out looking like themselves. Molly attracted Jason with messy ponytails and looking like herself and it worked… he married her.

  20. Jane B

    January 12, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    I forgot… shame they edited Jackie’s HS and college dating life the way they did. Kudos to her for being particular and dating by being choosy. I kind of felt like they tried to set her up as being someone not really able to commit when she probably a) although lovely wasn’t asked out frequently, she just looks like a really nice girl that didn’t “put out” and b)had standards for the men she dated. If she didn’t date in college it’s my guess that she would rather wait for the right person and that she’s NOT a commitment-phobe. Seemed rather mean to paint her differently, my vote is that she IS there for the “right reasons”. LOL

  21. josie

    January 12, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    Dianne,

    I think not having a dad means something when you’re a kid. But when you’re a grown ass adult, it shouldn’t affect all your actions for the rest of your life. I think blaming the parents is a lame, overused excuse for one’s own bad behavior.

    And when you’re in the art of “dating,” if that is the first thing you discuss with someone else, I have two questions for you:

    1.) Is your life so boring that your parent issues are the only ones you can think of when you want to get “deep” with someone?

    2.) Once again, it is not so odd to meet someone else with parent issues. It doesn’t make you “special” that your parents divorced or your daddy abandoned you. I hate people who act like it makes them so different and unique. It really doesn’t.

    That’s all. :)

  22. josie

    January 12, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    I guess the second point was really more of a comment/observation than a question.

  23. stearlgirl

    January 12, 2011 at 6:32 PM

    I can just see you: “D-J turn it up, up, up, up, up…” :)

    So thanks, I was hoping you would mention:

    – Ashley H’s incessant hang gestures
    – Michelle mentioning it was her birthday 8,000 times (and it being annoying)
    – Brad looking totally uncomfortable during the onion pizza conversation

    A couple other notes:

    – The whole Gustavo thing was hilarious.
    – I’m really glad Brad has a no tolerance policy for drama. I hate when these girls stick around after an episode like this. It’s almost too obvious the producers tell the Bachelor to keep them around. Good riddance.
    – For once, it’s kind of nice to watch a season of the Bachelor from beginning to end and knowing who wins, so you can see the “relationship” develop between the two. I gotta say, I was really loving the commentary from Chantal last night. I mean, is this girl right on target, or what? I wanna have some drinks with her.

    Anywho, thanks for another great commentary. :)

  24. DallasMs

    January 12, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    Disappointed they aren’t showing the girls coming home after the dates and all the ones left at home in their PJ’s waiting to see if they get the rose or not. I miss all the snarky whining about missing out on the dates. Especially since this was the Pretty Woman date week. No rehashing of…did you kiss him? How was it? What did he say? What did you say? Really fun watching them all get their dainties in a wad!

    Michelle Money is in a race with Trish from the Jesse Palmer season as ballsiest wack job around.

  25. guccilizzy

    January 12, 2011 at 7:10 PM

    I think Miss Kris is right about Michelle. The picture of the Michelle Money who supposedly had the affair with Jason Young doesn’t even look like her. Plus it says she is (or was) married and lived in Florida. The Michelle on the show is from Utah. I don’t think it’s the same girl.

    She’s nuts but not the same girl.

  26. AmberK

    January 12, 2011 at 7:24 PM

    Interesting tidbit… I keep seeing OBrian Auto Commercials during the show.

  27. MrsT

    January 12, 2011 at 11:46 PM

    Highly entertaining blog, as usual, but I really must thank you for convincing ABC to not torture us with “Hey, Soul Sista” last night. My wrists remain unslit as well (but I did have the TV muted just in case.)

  28. Alexandran

    January 13, 2011 at 10:10 AM

    Steve, I feel quite disenchanted with the frequency of your disrespectul comments about women’s bodies.

  29. Dianne

    January 13, 2011 at 1:27 PM

    Josie – points taken, thanks! :-)

  30. jecoon

    January 13, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    “Then again, if I lived near a carnival, odds are I wouldn’t be alive since I’d have most likely been shanked by a carnie.” Funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. :) But you were wrong about one thing. Ever since I saw the preview for next week’s episode, Kiss From a Rose has been stuck in my head all week…

  31. leftyinthepen

    January 14, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    As always great. although I can’t believe that no one made the connection of Melissa and Janice from the Muppets. You know exactly who i am talking about. Every time Melissa kept opening her flippin mouth, I kept thinking of Janice rocking out on her guitar, swaying her head back and forth. I just couldn’t get that image out of my head.

  32. cellardoor1116

    January 14, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Your comment about Grey’s Anatomy actually made me hoot and snort laugh in the middle of a quiet computer lab. Hilarious.

    This was definitely the best post I’ve read by you in some time. Consistently laughing throughout. Love this show. It’s such a delightful, glittery trainwreck!

  33. luvthebeach

    January 15, 2011 at 8:46 PM

    Okay, so I know that you don’t double-check your work for grammar errors before posting, but there’s one thing that bugged me and made me cringe when I read it. It’s “encrusted” not “incrusted”. And I’m sure that as long as Michelle is on the show, there will be more references to things being diamond encrusted.

    I also agree with the poster above that it’s nice to know who wins, so you can see things develop between the two (and laugh at the stupidity of the other girls).

    P.S. Pinot Grigio? Really? I thought you would drink something more manly, but then again, you are blogging about The Bachelor…

  34. mommyof2

    January 17, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    I totally agree that Michelle’s obsession with herself and her 30th birthday was nauseating, obnoxious, self-absorbed, etc… I’ve never seen anyone so obsessed with themselves and the importance of their freaking birthday! She obviously has several screws loose and will never amount to anything in this world. People like that think that if the world revolves around them, they’ll be happy, but in reality, they never become happy unless they change their attitude and outlook on life. The only way to be truly happy is through strong, stable relationships with others (whether it’s family or friends, it doesn’t matter). And the only way to have that is to give more than you receive, which is something Michelle obviously knows nothing about since all she does is take, take, take…

    Sorry for the philosophy lesson, but she is just terrible! Brad obviously is lacking some judgment in character in that he keeps her around for so long, but at least he did get rid of the drama in the house immediately by evicting Melissa and Raichel.

  35. serpephone

    January 18, 2011 at 3:18 AM

    so far, this season SUCKS!

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