-I’m beaming with excitement to share this next bit of news with you. So Emily’s date ended and I realized it was only 8:10. We still had 50 minutes of the show left with no dates. But how in the world are they gonna possibly kill…here he is ladies and gentleman…Brad’s LA therapist! It’s like Brad needs help in every city he’s in. Do we get a Vegas therapist too? Maybe an international one when we head to South Africa later on? Because Dr. Jamie Greene is certainly no Dr. Thomas Parker PhD that we saw in the first episode. This is all getting much too confusing. Why does he need a shrink in every city? Is Brad really that f***ed up? And you know the greatest thing about this newest doctor other than the perm he was rocking? He’s got an IMDB page! Check it out:
This is outstanding. So I immediately don’t like the guy since he graduated from Pepperdine, my alumni’s arch rival. Although, it’s tough to have an arch rival when your school sucks in every sport. But still. You go to LMU, you despise Pepperdine and all their Malibu glory. Hey Waves, at least we didn’t have to walk up 100 steps every day to get back to our dorms. Anyway, for those that didn’t click on the link, let me shed some light on what Dr. Jaime Greene used to do for a living. Ready for this? In the 80’s, he was the drummer for “Go West”, a British band that produced that gem of a tune “King of Wishful Thinking”, which was featured on the “Pretty Woman” soundtrack. Awwwwwweeeeeessssssoooooooommmmme!! And Brad is taking his advice from this Pet Shop Boys wannabe? I love how stupid this show is. I really do. What’s next? Brad gets financial advice from the lead singer of A-Ha!? Maybe discusses all his real estate matters with Dexy’s Midnight Runners? Dr. Jaime Greene, therapist to the stars, and has-been 80’s drummer for a horsesh*t British band that had one song.
I’m glad you’re on the right path, Brad.
-Cocktail party time. Brad pulls Alli aside first to let her in on his final decision of whose cleavage would win in a battle to the death, her or Chantal’s. Unfortunately, since Alli decided to cover up a bit and wear a dress with a big bow on it, Brad’s final decision has to wait. Alli: “I wanted to wrap myself up like a present so I can open myself up to you.” And when she opens up, we have yet another woman with daddy issues. She said her parents are no longer together because daddy was schtupping someone else on the side. And then later on down the line surprised Alli by telling her, “Oh yeah, you’ve got a sister.” Surprise! Father of the Year material there. I’m sorry Alli. I really am. No one deserves to have that dropped in their lap one day. You need someone to talk to? I’ve got just the person for you. He once fronted for the band “Chicago” before deserting them and busting out with his own career singing such delights as “Next Time I Fall”, and “Glory of Love”. It’s Mr. Peter Cetera! I’m sure he has his own office in LA somewhere giving relationship advice after getting his degree online or something.
-Michelle is freaking out. Why? Well, let her tell you. Michelle: “It bothers me that he’s going out with other girls. It bothers me that he’s thinking about other girls. And it bothers me that, right now, he’s talking to another girl.” Sooooo, are you bothered by any of this? I couldn’t tell. Chantal is next up for Brad as they start discussing where they want to register for their wedding. But of course, Michelle couldn’t possibly let that happen so she butts in and interrupts their time together right before Brad was lay another one on her. Now it’s Michelle’s turn and she tells him, “We’re in a fight.” Brad asks why, Michelle says it’s because she’s horny, and watching him kiss and make out with other girls makes her even more horny because it’s been a while since she stole a man from someone else, and needs that in her life. Apparently this craziness completely went over Brad’s head because he loves what Michelle is doing. Brad: “She’s playful and she jokes, and she’s kind of a smart aleck, which I really like. Michelle can steal me away any time.” So remember how earlier I said that the producers don’t inform Brad about anything regarding the girl’s past? Well, they also don’t tell him what’s going on with the other girls when he’s not around. Or what they’re saying privately in their ITM’s. Brad is seeing all this cattiness for the first time when we’re seeing it. If they tip him off, then obviously he’d be sending people home a lot earlier than expected.
-Holy crap! We have a Lindsay sighting! You know, the red headed one that lives a few blocks from me. Yep. She’s on this show. And apparently did talk to Brad at some point. All we get to see was her saying, “I’m a relationship kind of girl. I really am. I’m a forever girl, not like a one night thing.” Oh. Damn. Next! Hey, you know I was at Northpark Mall last week splurging on myself and happened to drop in to Anthropologie to see if Lindsay happened to be working. Nope. Never been in that store before, and let me be honest, probably never will again either. It was hilarious. As I’m walking through there smelling the wonderful scents of apricot candles or whatever it is smelled like apricots, they have two couches in there. As I walk by, the only four other guys in the store were all sitting on the couches waiting for their women who were probably on hour number two perusing the store only to end up buying nothing. These guys did not look happy. I wouldn’t either if my balls were in my girlfriends purse.
-Madison is starting to break. Emily’s story really hit her hard and she’s questioning why she should be there. Brad pulls her aside and realizes she’s crying, so he gives her a hug. Since Madison decided to go braless tonight, we get some good side boob going with that hug. Madison basically tells him she’s not feeling it, she thinks other girls are more into this than her, and really, is a three episode stint on the “Bachelor” really gonna improve her demo reel? She takes out her stupid fangs and confesses, “Yeah, pretty much thought it’d be all fun and games, the producers told me the fang gag would be hilarious and keep me around a few episodes, but uhhhhh, some of these girls are a little too serious, and I’ve got an early call time tomorrow for a Tide commercial, so, peace out my brotha’.” Well, that’s pretty much what she was getting at. Brad gives her the option, “Ok, I really like you. You gotta give me a chance. Give it some time. Sit on it, and if I give you a rose at the next ceremony, you can choose to reject it.” Translation: Producers told me we needed to make the rose ceremony a little more dramatic, so without exactly telling you how we’re going to script this out later, ummmm yeah, I pretty much just told you what to do. Got it?
-Ashley H. is the latest “I don’t like you kissing other girls” woman. She gives Brad an ultimatum. “Look, if you don’t like me, or you don’t see it with me, I wanna go home. I’ve got dance class to teach, teeth to clean, and probably a boatload of former ‘Bachelor’ contestants that’ll be blowing up my Facebook page once I can turn it back on. So if you don’t want this, I’m guessing plenty of guys will. Make up your mind.” Brad knows something is wrong, Ashley is essentially telling him “Kiss me you fool”, but apparently Brad is dumb, and isn’t getting the hint. He gives her the most awkward hug of the night, stutters and stammers his way out of there, then was probably pulled aside by Elan or Pete and told, “You idiot. The chick digs you. Go back there and kiss her.” So he goes back to where she’s sitting, says, “Forgot one thing”, then lays one on her. I swear, in my second life, I should come back as a reality TV producer. How easy is this?
-Rose ceremony time. Ashley S., Emily, and Shawntel already with roses. Brad, the floor is yours. Brad: “Some of you have developed real feelings…hold on to moments…please trust they’re real…anyone here having second thoughts, please don’t accept these roses…Madison, that’s your cue. After I give out the second rose, walk off so I can chase you to the back room and act like I didn’t know what the hell was coming.”
Michelle: Naturally, crazy always gets the first rose. I’m sure she still has every one of them saved and they’re pinned to her vanity mirror at home. Like a bad romance movie. Hey everyone! Speaking of bad romance movies, “Midway to Heaven” starring Michelle Money opening next month!”
Chantal: Second rose ceremony in a row, he calls her “Chantal O.” Brad, Shawntel already has a rose. No need to qualify this one by giving her last initial. There are no other Chantal/Shawntels left. She knows who you’re talking about. Maybe he should just go with “Chantal W.”
At this point is where Madison leaves the podium and walks out. Brad goes after her into the other room and Madison admits, “Call time for my Tide commercial is now at 5am and I really can’t miss out on this gig. And oh yeah, I’d feel really awful taking a rose from one of these girls. They want to date you a hell of a lot more than I do. I kinda hit it off with Papa Smurf on the set of the “Smurfs”, so I think I’m gonna take my chances with him.” Then one of my favorite moments, Brad starts lecturing Madison on relationships. Tells her she’s being closed off, and by not opening up, she’s really closing people off. Ok, ok, ok, enough with the Dr. Phil speak here. Of all people to be giving relationship advice, Brad Womack? Really? Just because he’s been through more therapy than Jason Wahler’s been through rehabs doesn’t make him qualified. This is the same guy taking advice from Toto’s drummer, or whatever the hell band he was in. Eaaaaasssssy Brad. She doesn’t want to be there. Let her go and roam free with the rest of the Edward’s pack of wolves. Or is it Jacob? Hell if I know. And please, spare me the emails. I don’t care.
Lisa: Hey Lisa! You’ve been great so far. I loved that time when you…or when you told Brad…or remember when she…forget it. No clue who you are.
Jackie: Found out this past week that Jackie went to an all-girls high school. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, that explains everything.
Ashley H: She will be the #1 girl from this season that former ‘Bachelorette’ contestants will be after when this is all said and done. March 14th guys. Not too much longer before you can start harassing her. I’m guessing you’ll get your chance on “Bachelor Pad 2”. I’d be shocked if she wasn’t on that cast.
Marissa: Yeah, we don’t know you either. But the spray tan is working wonders.
Britt: Britt strikes me as someone who will be engaged or in a serious relationship within six months of this show ending.
Alli: How old is her little half sister? Old enough to know that big sis is setting a great example of how to rock some good cleavage?
Lindsay: I think I’m gonna be back at Northpark on Saturday. I will not be stopping in Anthropologie. It smells, and I get a tear in my eye seeing guys holding purses waiting for their women.
Meghan: Even though this didn’t work out for her, I’m sure she’s excited “Scream 4” is close to release.
“Ladies, Brad, it’s the FRT. When you’re ready. I’ll be in the back discussing which of the Miss America contestants that I judged this past Saturday we will cast on the next ‘Bachelor’. Consider it a done deal because, you know, those women have such a difficult time finding dates. And oh yeah, Reality Steve is now 3-for-3. Curse him.”
Stacey: There are lingerie photos of her floating around that the photographer who took them is peddling to anyone that’ll take them. Already showed them to me so I could post them. No thanks, buddy. I don’t care.
Kim may have been booted off this show after three episodes, but she’s certainly got a high opinion of herself. “There just wasn’t a connection. I think he was intimidated by me. You know I’m talented, smart, successful. Some guys find me attractive. The list could go on. I could turn around tomorrow and start dating somebody and be fine with it. F**k Brad. His loss.” I guess when you get a blow to your ego of being on a show for three episodes and never getting shown, and us never seeing Brad show any interest in you whatsoever, that is a pretty good self defense mechanism to resort to. Telling everyone how great you are and how many men want to sleep with you. I wonder if she has daddy issues too?
As for Sarah, the other one eliminated, she went a different route. “I have so much happiness and love to offer. Not being chosen hurts. Rejection sucks. I just want to go home.” I know, it’s ok dear. We want you to go home too so you can take a look at the mascara mess that your face has turned into. Go look in the mirror, fix that scrunchy hair you got going (thank you Holly) and we’ll see you at the “Women Tell All”. I think. Don’t know if you’ll get asked back considering no one knew who you were when you were actually on the show. Hard to imagine they’ll care about you on March 7th either. Hope you enjoyed your time on the show. Here’s a t-shirt that reads “I went on the Bachelor and all I got was this stupid t-shirt” as your parting gift.
Don’t forget to come back to the site later tonight at 10pm EST to listen to my interview with Olivia Wilder. I’ll be posting the link and the phone number again in case you want to call in and discuss all the goodies involved with this show.
Be back Friday with another installment of “Reader Emails”. More lunacy at its finest. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you Friday.