For episode-by-episode spoilers of Brad’s season, click on the link above that says “Bachelor Brad Spoilers”. It has a breakdown of every date, rose, and elimination, all the way down to Brad’s final choice. However, there will be spoilers talked about throughout the course of this column. You’ve been warned.
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So Sunday during the Super Bowl I was randomly tweeting things throughout the game (mostly about Fergie being fugly and how bad the Black Eyed Peas suck), but also threw this nugget in:
@RealitySteve “Hey, SB/Bachelor crossover: Aaron Rodgers and Shawntel both from Chico, CA. #uselessinformationtoimpressyourfriendswith”
Well come to find out afterwards that there is more of a crossover than I originally thought. As I’m googling “Aaron Rodgers girlfriend”, come to find that (shocking), he’s been linked to plenty of celebrities. From Jessica Szohr from “Gossip Girl”, to Erin Andrews of ESPN, to Hillary Scott lead singer of Lady Antebellum, and even a Sports Illustrated model. If you keep scrolling though, I came across this article that was posted a week ago. Of course, his parents denied all of them in the story meaning, yep, he’s probably banged all of them. Like he’s gonna tell his mom he’s swinging it around like that? Please. Also, Aaron Rodgers is apparently close friends with Shawntel’s sister, Destiny, and she was even his guest at the game Sunday. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice. Why? Cuz this is Destiny:
Hubba hubba. Now, if I were to show you both of those pictures of Destiny and ask, “Where do you think Destiny has worked in the past?”, you’d probably answer, “Well, with a name like that and how she perfects the art of laying on a bar, I’ll go with strip club.” Close, but no. She bartends. Which basically is your first step on the way to stripping. Or working at Hooters/Twin Peaks/Bone Daddy’s. So congrats to Destiny for all her fine work. And oh yeah, her bartending too. Wanna know more about our little Destiny? Here’s a little background info on her. Question: Are we sure these two are sisters? I mean, geesh. I mean, one carves up dead bodies for a living while the other lets guys take body shots off her stomach at the bar. The Newton’s sure raised an interesting twosome. One thing I love about Destiny is she admits to getting all giddy when she met Jennifer Love Hewitt. It’s kinda hard to explain, but until my dying day, I will always have something for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Something about her makes me desperately want to make love to a school boy. And if you didn’t get that reference, I’m sorry, we can no longer be friends.
A lot of you have been on my case about the tabloid stuff that has and hasn’t been released about the people on this show. Some of it has, some hasn’t. Some has been in smaller doses, some in bigger (i.e. – Michelle admitting to her affair). I think I can tell you with pretty good certainty that the big story I’ve been telling you about is coming tomorrow. You’ll know it when you see it. With that said, I can’t wait to get bombarded with emails of people saying, “OMG! Did you hear about this?!!” Ha ha. I know it’s coming. That’s what I find amazing I guess. The people who tell me, “I love your column and read you all the time”, then ask me a question I’ve answered 100 times already. How is that possible? Anyway, what I think is coming tomorrow is nothing that is speculation or gossip or “sources say” or “insiders say” or “friends close to the situation say”. Nothing like that. A lot more concrete than the normal stuff you see. I’d say it’s a pretty big deal and will have a lot of people questioning what the hell they’re watching.
I wanted to point out something that was brought to my attention regarding this Chantal speculation about her still chasing after her ex-husband up until the day she left for the show. Sure, I’ve been hearing that for three months now, and it’s come from more than a few people. I wouldn’t easily dismiss that at all, and in fact, I have more reason to believe it’s true than it isn’t. However, what’s continually been asked to me is, “If that’s true, why wouldn’t her ex-husband just come out and say it and throw her under the bus?” Well that’s very easy to answer. Because Chantal’s ex-husband still manages one of her dad’s dealerships. You honestly think THAT guy is gonna talk to a tabloid and say, “Yeah, well she ruined our marriage because she cheated on me with a Mercer Island police officer, then once they were done, she came running back to me. I hate her for ruining what we had then coming back to me after realizing she’d messed up and wanting a second chance.” Uhhhh, no. The guy would lose his job in a heartbeat. You think Mike O’Brien is gonna let his former son-in-law trash his daughter publicly? Of course not. So just because it’s not her ex-husband saying these things publicly, don’t think it’s not people who know what they’re talking about. These were the same people contacting me three months ago telling me all this, which is why I said back then, “Hey, if these people are telling ME things about these contestants, don’t think they’ll hesitate to tell it to the tabloids”.
That’s why when I see her stories with “sources close to the situation” and “friends say”, it’s rather obvious that those “friends” are well aware of what went on, why the marriage ended, and what Chantal tried to do to get him back and they’re the ones trying to make Chantal look bad because they know what she’s really like. So like I’ve said, not EVERYTHING a tabloid prints is untrue, and in this case, they’re dead on. That’s why I’m having a hard time buying anything Chantal is selling on this show. Her marriage ended because she cheated, was finalized in Dec. of 2009, then wanted her ex husband back all the way up til leaving for the show in Sept. of 2010, and now four weeks into filming she’s telling Brad she loves him? Please. This chick is strictly out to win a competition and for attention. I don’t buy any of it, and ultimately, I don’t think Brad will either. Then again, these two might be two peas in a pod and deserve each other. Who knows? People are gonna have their favorites, and when someone says something bad about them, they’ll always think of something to defend them because God forbid the person they’re seeing on TV can’t possbily do anything wrong. This will be no different. Some will think it’s not a big deal. I tend to think it is if we are to believe what’s been presented to us all season. Hey, if I’m wrong, I’ll buy every single of my readers a steak dinner. When I’m not, you can thank me. On to last night…
-The show opens with Brad flying around Costa Rica in a helicopter talking about his journey. Brad: “Last time, at this stage in the game, I’m not nearly as emotionally invested than I am now.” Translation: So suck on that one DeAnna, Jenni, Bettina, and whoever else hometown I visited. I basically had checked my emotions at the door all season and didn’t give a rat’s ass what happened. But now, I’m a changed man in case you didn’t know. I talk to 80′s hair band drummers disguised as therapists to tell me what to do with my life. I say the same phrases over and over in hopes that it’ll be drilled into people’s heads how seriously I take this process. Well, somewhat seriously. Six episodes in and we are still being told how much more open to the process he is this time. The more he says that, the harder it is to believe. One episode? Fine. Two? Ok, we get it. Three? It’s getting beaten to a pulp. Six episodes in? I want to poke my eyes out with a letter opener then stab myself in the gut fifty times. The women somehow let Michelle drive them from the airport to where Brad was staying. Whoa. You let crazy behind the wheel? If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s this: Don’t let women drive.
-Brad greets the ladies like he just got back from a round of golf. Nice polo, dude. Where’s your Tony Romo cap to complete the full douchenozzle look? He leaves a date card for the women which says, “Chantal O. Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight.” Uh oh! A date card that says the word “love” in it. We all know what that means. Mount Michelle is about to erupt. Michelle: “If Brad is more interested in Chantal than I am not his girl. I just hope she gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” As much as I want to dislike Michelle, I honestly can’t. Sure she’s a horrible person who sleeps with married men and then claims to not have a clue they were married, but hey, who hasn’t ya know? On THIS show, she’s gold. She introduced us to the “Boom!” elbow, she’s the only person this season I can remember saying anything remotely funny, and she’s hot to boot. Can’t go wrong there. So hats off to the ABC casting department for finding this gem. She’s been totally worth it. You did well casting her “crazy” character this season. I mean, for six episodes now, this chick has stolen the show in all her ITM’s. Why would this episode be any different? Which is why I always say that no matter who the “lead” is in this show, it doesn’t matter. The show is made by the 25/30 bachelor/ette contestants they cast and NOT the lead doing the choosing.
-Michelle is still not done ranting about Chantal getting a date. “She’s really aggressive, over confident, and a bit egotistical.” Wait, huh? Michelle just said this? About Chantal? Talk about the irony of all ironies. Maybe when Michelle said that she was looking into a mirror or something. Whatever the case, chalk another one up to Michelle for a classic one liner. As for Chantal’s date, Brad picked her up in another solid polo from the IZOD collection apparently, and they went zip lining. And as is the case with all of Chan-clevages dates, it rained. You know how I know this? Because Brad figured it out all by himself. (Scene of it raining) Brad: “Is it raining? Oh, it IS raining.” Man, he’s a good one. Very observant. He was able to deduce by looking in the sky and seeing water fall from it that there was precipitation falling on them meaning, well, it’s raining. But that didn’t stop these two from charging full speed ahead. No, sir. They zipped their way through the jungle anyway like two lovers that’ll inevitably break up. So while they’re still in each others good graces, Chan-cleavage has this to say after tandem zip lining with Brad. “It’s definitely a different position to have my legs wrapped around Brad, but something I can get used to.” Uh huh. This chick couldn’t be any more horny if she tried. I just want to point something out here. You realize how many times these two have made out and been all over each other in six episodes compared to Brad and Emily? And some people really think that I was told the wrong thing and that he chooses Emily? Really? I mean, REALLY? There are some awfully naive people in this world.
-After zipping through all of Costa Rica, it’s time to get down to business. Like Chantal in more of her element, you know, a low-cut top letting the world in on all her glory. And bam! Exactly what we got of her in her flowery sun dress with cleavage for days. They decide to have a picnic outside where they can get romantic. Miss Rackenstein: “I’m feeling things tonight I dreamt of feeling one day.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we get a little more descriptive on that. Like, feeling things within your own lady parts, or feeling things between Brad’s legs? I wasn’t really sure where she was going with that. Well, yes I was, I just wanted to hear her say it. She’s already shown us she’s one of the horniest women this show has ever cast, and rightfully so. I mean, when you chase your ex-husband for months all the way up til leaving for this show and he keeps rejecting you, then you gotta turn somewhere else. But once again, these two get rained on and now a damp, wet, dripping Chantal must run inside Brad’s bedroom. She’s also now soaking wet from the rain.
-So naturally when you’re on a date and you get rained on and you’re forced to go back to the guy’s place, it’s imperative that you strip down to only your chonies and his long sleeved dress shirt. Honestly, I practically went CSI in this scene trying to figure out if she had anything on under that shirt. My guess, knowing that Chantal is basically just a walking estrogen bomb waiting to explode? Uhhh, that would be no. Brad’s reaction: “This is the hottest I’ve seen you.” Yeah, well that pretty much sums it up right there. Goodnight everybody! You know, sometimes people with zero sense of humor email me asking why I’m always making a bunch of sexual jokes or always talking about boobs. Ummmmm, have you watched this show? The show is laced with so many sexual scenes and sexual innuendos just waiting to happen, it’s my job to make fun of it and point them out. I mean, for Christ sakes, we had a guy and a girl standing in a bedroom last night with him practically pitching a tent while she stood in front of him with nothing on but his shirt. And you want me to talk about “Ohhh, these two are so in love with each other. You can really see that these two connect on such a deeper, emotional level.” Bullsh**. I’m gonna talk about how he wants wanted to knock the bottom out of that for the rest of the night and how she would’ve let him in a heartbeat. If that offends, then you’re reading the wrong column. Been doing it for eight years and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
-Boobs McBreasts: “I like being rained on with you. Especially in your cute comfies. I like that. This is real to me. I’m crazy about you. Do you not see that?” Oh trust me, honey. He sees that. Right through that white shirt of yours checking out that baby maker. Brad’s making no bones about, well, how badly he wants to jump her bones. Brad: “This could happen every night.” Chantal: “I want it to.” Not that Brad needed this Costa Rica date to solidify Chantals standing in the show (hell, he would’ve booked her overnight room after the Catalina date), but I seriously am beginning to question if any other woman this season came close to making his private stand at attention the way it did when he was with her. I mean, Ali has practically admitted since her season ended that it was Roberto since Day 1 and she basically just went through the motions for all the other episodes. Sure, you have to date the others and give them chances, but in the end, you signed up for a show. You HAVE to be in 10 or so episodes. You can’t just skip to the end, even though you probably want to. I said it Dec. 8th, and I think I’ve mentioned it somehow, some way in every column since that Brad chose Chantal. What we’re seeing in these first six episodes is just more confirmation of it. Emily is just along for the ride at this point. So if you want to compare and contrast how he talks to each one, be my guest. It’s a waste of time. It’s not like he’s going to make his decision on Mar. 14th and we’re still in the process of trying to figure out which one he likes the best. The show has been over for 2 ½ months. He chose and is engaged to Chantal. End of story.