For episode-by-episode spoilers of Brad’s season, click on the link above that says “Bachelor Brad Spoilers” (it’s like, 1″ inch above this sentence. Twice). It has a breakdown of every date, rose, and elimination, all the way down to Brad’s final choice. However, there will be spoilers talked about throughout the course of this column. You’ve been warned.
Big week in “Bachelor” land. The “Women Tell All” tapes this Friday in LA. It’s looking like I will have some information coming to me on Friday night, however, not guaranteed I’ll be able to actually get to my computer and deliver it on Friday night. So at the latest, it will be Saturday morning. Not that I’m expecting any major news to come out of the WTA taping since there was no scandal this season, and I fully expect Ashley Hebert to be there since she gets the boot next week. But whatever info I do get, I will post either Friday night or Saturday morning. If for some reason I don’t post anything, then you’ll definitely know that nothing exciting or newsworthy happened at the taping.
In case you haven’t been back to the site since last Tuesday, you can view the poll results where they stand now. It’s basically been running 70/30 in favor of doing the interview with Laurel. If you haven’t voted, you still can. If you did vote, votes only count once. I think it resets after a month or something, but I’m sure the interview will be happening soon now. Over 2/3rds of you want the interview, so it’s going to happen. You can click “View Results” in the poll to see how overwhelming the “Yes” responses have been:
This last note is “Bachelor” related. Kinda. Well, not really. But I did want to mention it since next week during the “Bachelor” is when they’ll be announcing the next “Dancing with the Stars” cast. So People.com did a story on Cheryl Burke yesterday who says she’s ready to find love. You can read it right here. A couple weeks ago Cheryl did admit to having a fling with Chad Ochnocinco, which should surprise exactly no one. The dude gave her a $10k ring. For what? Being his dancing partner? Uh huh. I don’t care how much money you have in your account, you aren’t buying expensive jewelry for a woman unless she’s giving it up to you. Sorry. Anyone who didn’t think they were secretly knocking it out has their head buried in the sand. At least Cheryl admitted to it. Anyway, I loved this quote from her:
“Past relationships have always gone from 0 to 60. It goes from ‘nice to meet you’ and then he’s my boyfriend, we talk about kids and marriage, and then we break up six days later. I can’t wait to meet the guy that I take things slow with. I can’t wait to go on a first date for the first time in my life.”
Wait a second. Am I just an idiot, or did this chick basically just admit pretty much that she sleeps with every guy the second she meets them? She’s never been on a first date in her life? How is that possible? To me, that means she totally gives it up right away, the guy wants no part of actually dating her, then things end. Hell, she says things go from 0 to 60. You know what that means? That she’s a nymphomaniac and gives it up even before they go out. Wow Cheryl. Congratulations. That article couldn’t have been any more unflattering if you tried. Way to make yourself out to be such a skank. I’m sure guys are banging down your door as we speak. On to last night…
-The show started off with recapping the four remaining womens journeys up to this point. It was nice to see that night one clip of Chantal out of the limo. Basically proved how right I was about the few extra lbs she’s packed on this season. Maybe that’s why the slap never really bothered Brad. She was practically Britt’s size on night one. Or not. Definitely lighter though. When Brad’s talking about Chantal and some concerns he may have, he brings up her constant crying and being so overly emotional. Which leads him to giving us the biggest line of crap he’s uttered all season. Brad: “If there’s one thing I can’t deal in a relationship with is an emotional roller coaster.” Seriously? Did he just say that? Somewhere in Austin, Laurel just threw up her dinner. Brad, how many times did you and Laurel break up and get back together in 8 years together? 25? 50? Every other week? Yet, you can’t deal with emotional roller coasters? Dude, you were the conductor on the emotional roller coaster train that was Brad and Laurel’s relationship. So NOW all the sudden when the TV lights are on and cameras are around you, that’s when you’ve decided can’t have that in a relationship? Ahhh, got it. Totally believable. And the facade continues.
-For those that never read the spoilers for the season, or are completely confused on where to find the link (Hey, we even added a 2nd “Bachelor Brad Spoilers” link for the REALLY confused and blind out there), you will have noticed last night that the hometown dates were completely shown out of order in which they actually took place. So rather than make you look AAAAALLLLLL the way back up to the top of the screen and click “Bachelor Brad Spoilers”, I’ll refresh your memory on when they were filmed. After arriving back from Anguilla, all the girls stay in that NY hotel where the rose ceremony was until it’s time for their date. You can’t do anything without your handler with you at all times. Anyway, Emily actually flew directly from Miami to Charlotte, because she had the first hometown date. That was:
Emily – Filmed Wednesday, Oct. 27th in Charlotte, NC
Chantal – Filmed Friday, Oct. 29th in Seattle, WA
Shawntel – Filmed Sunday, Oct. 31st in Chico, CA
Ashley – Filmed Tuesday, Nov. 2nd in Madawaska, ME (the last day Brad contacted Laurel through email asking why he hadn’t heard from her)
Obviously on the show, they went Chantal, Ashley, Shawntel, and Emily. Don’t know why they did it that way, don’t care, and don’t think it means anything other than that’s how they chose to tell the story of the hometown dates. Once again, spoilers or not, how could anyone watch those dates last night and not know that Shawntel was going home? Like, do we even need spoilers anymore? This show isn’t that tricky at all. Anybody could’ve seen that Shawntel was a goner last night.
-Chantal’s date is up first as Brad meets her at Alki Beach. Yes, I know that wasn’t specified on the show, but that’s where they were. You gotta remember, we are seeing 15 minutes of a date that lasts all day long. They do plenty of other things besides what is shown to us, so just keep that in mind before you fire off any emails. Chantal tells Brad she lives in house (paid for by Daddy Warbucks I’m sure) with her 2 cats and dog. Ooooohhhh, I can’t wait to meet those giant balls of wasted fur. They talk about living in Austin, which is something they’ve obviously already covered even though it wasn’t shown. Chantal was resigned to the fact if he were to choose her (which he did), they’d be living in Austin. But to ease her nerves, he does tell her “I can see ourselves traveling a lot to this city.” Yeah, you say that now. Just wait til you meet those two lumps on a log she calls cats, then you’ll be regretting that statement. Grown men don’t like cats. Period. And if they say they do, they’re lying. Back me up here fellas. Any guy living with a woman, if they own cats, it’s because they were hers before they moved in together, and he knows he ain’t getting any ass if he puts up a fight, so he deals with it. Ladies, your man HATES your cat. I don’t care what he tells you, he HATES it. If your cat ever runs away, don’t ever blame on them “escaping” or “running away”. No, your man opened the door and let that piece of crap loose when you were away shopping one day. Count on it.
-Chantal reiterates Brad either deals with her annoying cats, or they’re done. “My dog and my cats aren’t going anywhere, so Brad has to get along with them in order for us to have a future.” Oh he’ll pretend to get along with them to get in your pants. But trust me, he thinks they’re worthless moochers who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. Never would’ve guessed Chantal as a cat lady, but have fun with that Brad. Your life, not mine. So they get to Chantal’s place, which of course she says is four streets away from her parents house. Obviously. Daddy wants to keep an eye on the train of men going through her revolving front door. Like random police officers named Bobby. I was curious if we’d get a tour of her place so I could check out which room Bobby stayed in when he mooched off her and lived there. You know, just months before she went on this show, which is why she’s already in love with someone after four weeks and ready to be engaged. Ok.
-They are greeted at her door by her little pipsqueak dog, Boca. Hey, I will give her credit that at least she HAS a dog to offset those two fat tubs of goo she calls cats. However, she dresses Boca. Sorry. Completely unacceptable and embarrassing. No points for you. Did you notice how excited Jinxy was to see Brad, or Chantal for that matter? Oh that’s right, he wasn’t. Cuz’ he doesn’t give a rats ass about anyone but himself. Selfish prick. Boca could possibly get annoying at times with his sweater vests and over excitedness, but much more tolerable and playful than Jinxy and Bailey, the outcast cats who do nothing but sit around all day, sleep, use the litter box, and play with balls of yarn. I’m sorry, but anyone who finds cats playing with a ball of yarn funny needs their head examined. Same thing with chasing a laser pointer. We’ve seen it a thousand times on YouTube by now. Not the least bit funny. You know what cat videos I find funny? When they’re falling into a hamper and can’t get out or are about to fall into a toilet or something. Now THOSE are high comedy. Boca seems to like Brad. Well, as much as you can like an android from the planet Boredom who’s come to bump uglies with your master. Boca, you better get used to mommy and daddy android playing Hide the Pickle on the couch.
-Time to meet the family and the O’Brien Castle. If you ever doubted how much money and what a hot shot Mike O’Brien thinks he is, look no further than his demeanor last night and what they live in. Lets face it, Mike O’Brien is loving his life. He’s 55 yet dresses like he’s going out a club on Friday night with his trophy wife, Billy Jo. Oh by the way, Billy Jo used to be a stripper. Not that you wouldn’t have been able to guess that by the looks of her. My God, who’s had more work done to their face and body: Billy Jo, Janice Dickinson, or Emily? Tough call. Of course Billy Jo is most definitely MILFy, Mike O’Brien wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s Mike F***ing O’Brien, auto dealer extraordinaire of the Pacific Northwest. That guy is making damn well sure his trophy wife has all her surgeries taken care of. He wouldn’t have it any other way. After looking at Billy Jo, is ANYONE doubting that Chantal has implants? Please. That family couldn’t be more materialistic, fake, and plastic if they tried. Once again, have fun Brad. You’re in for a real treat with that clan of uppity snobs.
-I loved Brad’s conversation with Mike F***ing O’Brien. The guy of course needs to take Brad outside to show him the bronze statue they have. Why not just bring Brad upstairs and show him your checking account balance while you’re at it? “This is a statue of a man who carved himself out of a rock. He’s a self made man and that’s how I look at myself.” I’m surprised Mike F***ing O’Brien’s shoulder didn’t come out of its socket last night from all the back patting he gave himself. Yikes. Look, we know you’re rich. We kinda saw that when the pearly gates opened up to your house and your garage area was bigger than Shawntel’s neighborhood. But the best part of this conversation happened in the wine cellar. I will admit, gotta give it up to Papa O’Brien, in case you didn’t watch last Friday’s video blog, it’s safe to say he’s got more bottles of wine than I do. I know. I know. Hard to believe, but it’s true. In fact, I think the O’Brien’s wine cellar might’ve been bigger than little Ricki’s bedroom. Whatever the case, the man likes his wine. And I’m sure he’s knocked the bottom out of Billy Jo in that wine cellar quite a few times.
-The conversation couldn’t have been more contrived.
Brad: “You think she’s ready to settle down now?”
Mr. Humble: “Oh yeah. She’s been ready for a long time.”
Really? Her divorce was finalized nine months ago, she was jerking around with a loser cop that moved in with her earlier in 2010, but she’s been ready for a long time? Uhhhh, ok pal. See, I say this every season during the hometowns, and I’ll say it again. It’s my biggest problem with this show and how unrealistic it is. I’m sorry. Your daughter has been away for a month. You haven’t spoken a word to her. She’s been there for a day, and this is your first conversation with Brad in your life, yet, these fathers are always giving blessings, “Oh sure, we think you’re a great guy and would love to have you as part of the family. Of course you can marry our daughter that you met on a TV show while you were dating and making out with a bunch of other women, a few of whom you are still going to go see and ask THEIR fathers for their blessing.” You do realize how ridiculous that is, right? You do realize there is nothing about these hometown dates that is anything like actually taking your boyfriend home to meet your parents for the first time, right? Ok, just checking. So dumb.