For episode-by-episode spoilers of Brad’s season, click on the link above that says “Bachelor Brad Spoilers” (it’s like, 1″ inch above this sentence. Twice). It has a breakdown of every date, rose, and elimination, all the way down to Brad’s final choice. Which of course was modified since there was some kinda big news revealed yesterday. Don’t know if you heard. However, there will be spoilers talked about throughout the course of this column. You’ve been warned.
I suggest if you did not read yesterday’s post, you do so before continuing to read today’s. It will make a lot more sense. Yesterday was biggest traffic Monday in the history of this website, and for good reason. Not to mention probably the biggest day I’ve ever had in terms of emails. Easily had over 300 email responses to yesterday’s column, and I’m being honest here (Sorry Brad, stole that line from you), only TWO were negative. The consensus seemed to be, “Who cares? Don’t be so hard on yourself. You nailed everything else this season and you still spoiled the ending two weeks before it airs.” So yeah, I guess you can look at it that way that I still accomplished by goal of spoiling the ending, and what does it matter if it was wrong for the last three months if I eventually get it right?
But, I still needed to say what I needed to say, and I wanted to be as clear as I could about the reasons why it was now Emily and not Chantal. Just saying I was wrong wouldn’t have been enough. Just know I read every single one of those emails yesterday, but only responded to about 10%. It was overwhelming. I appreciate the sentiments. It’s a good thing I’m heading out of town and getting away from this craziness this weekend. Going to Wash DC for my first time for a little business, but mostly for fun, so Friday’s column is actually gonna go up late Thursday night. Cant wait. Should be a good time.
So here’s where we’re at in terms of the finale. Got some more info for you to add to the stuff I gave you yesterday:
-Ricki is definitely not part of the finale. She does not show up in South Africa
-Regular rose ceremony, Chantal does get escorted to the vineyard where she is then unceremoniously dumped by Brad. Don’t know if there was any dry heaving into the bushes like last time. Guess we’ll have to see
-Brad did in fact have Emily’s father fly to South Africa to ask for his permission to marry his daughter. However, this was not filmed and we will not see it. He wanted to do the gentlemanly thing, which I respect. So that answers my question from yesterday about how a guy who’s been so insistent on getting fathers permission could propose without ever having spoken to anyone in her family. Just know he did get permission from her dad but we won’t see it
-Finale plays out as normal: Each girl meets Brad’s family out there, each get a last chance date with him, he rejects Chantal, proposes to Emily, she says yes, and they’re engaged
-Last thing I finally learned: Filming ended Friday, Nov. 19th. Brad and Emily stayed in South Africa a few extra days in a house that they shared with his producer Cassie Lambert and her man Pete Scalettar, who is also a producer on the show. Emily was back in Charlotte the day before Thanksgiving
Like I said yesterday, there really is no need to get into why I ran with the information I did. If I told you everything that went down, I’d be telling you my sources and what they said. It was wrong, and that’s all that matters. I honestly don’t think ABC has figured out who gives me info. No one knows where I get my info from, nor will they. So if they don’t know who gives me info, I don’t see how they could’ve planted misinformation. To whom?
Trust me, if I went into detail of every email/call/text I had back in November coming up with the “Brad is engaged to Chantal” ending, you would believe me. But that would mean revealing my sources and that’s not gonna happen. So what if I get next season’s ending right? Does that mean they’ve found out who my sources were? Wouldn’t seem like it. I’m gonna shore things up next season and we’ll definitely get it taken care of. No worries. Back on it. By the way, I’ve already gotten two names and some info confirmed of guys on next seasons “Bachelorette”. We’ll start talking about that once Brad’s season ends. On to last night…
-So Brad basically narrarated the first 5-7 minutes of the show. We see him in NY getting ready and packing for South Africa talking about his journey for love. It was like he was reading us a romance novel. “I’m scared of getting hurt. I definitely have trust issues. I’m terrified of ending up alone.” Nothing we haven’t heard for 8 weeks already, but usually he’s saying this to one of the women, or Little Drummer Boy Therapist that he thankfully sh**canned back in the states. I love how they have a camera following Brad in the terminal. Is this really necessary? Really? Walking to his seat is important footage? Gonna film the guy taking a leak too? I’m surprised we didn’t see him reading the barf bag as well. I loved the image of Brad daydreaming while looking out the window of the plane. Man, they really needed some time to kill with this episode. Ridiculously slow.
-Brad narrates his concerns with the remaining three women. Not like these were hard to figure out, but, here he goes:
Chantal: All the clips they showed were of her crying meltdowns where she would insist on sending her home if he didn’t want her there. Called their journey a “roller coaster”. I actually didn’t know what Brad was referring to here. The chick told you she loved you in like 3-4 weeks. Seems to me you pretty much knew where you stood in her eyes at all times. All the crying? Ehhhh, that’s the alcohol talking. Not sure if you know this Brad, but women become emotional basket cases when they drink. I wouldn’t worry about it. Chantal likes to booze it up with the best of them, then turn on the water works immediately.
Ashley: Says she always has questions and insecurities about their relationship. Not to mention, she has jazz hands going every sentence out of her mouth. I think at some point Ashley has taken up sign language because my god, I could swear she’s telling us a story with her active hands. And Brad, if there’s any of them left whose journey has been a “roller coaster”, I’m guessing that would be Ashley. She’s like riding shotgun on Montezuma’s Revenge. Or Viper. Or any other large roller coaster in America that I don’t feel like googling right now. It’s been a long day. Really. You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to getting away this weekend. Been too long. Hey DC! Drinks on me!
Emily: Says she’s “one in a million”. Actually, she’s one in 30, but whatever. Who’s counting? Brad says Emily’s past is “intimidating”. You mean, having to replace a father that Ricki has never met? Or the wealth that Hendricks family has to where you’re probably gonna need to sign a pre-nup? Hey, now that we know Brad is with her, people asked me today if I feel the same way about Brad and Emily making it as I did about him and Chantal. I think it’s the same really. For no other reason than just playing the percentages of this shows track record, coupled with the fact he’s 14 years older than her and jumping into a relationship with a single mom. I think Brad will even admit he hasn’t been the greatest in relationships in the past. This just seems like an awful lot. We’ll see. But the offer still stands. These two get married, I’ll buy them the most expensive gift on their registry.
-Sabi Sands, Africa got some major run this episode. I’m sure there was a nice trade off. Chris Harrison probably got to chill there for free with the wife and kids once again. Greatest job in the world. Show up, free vacation, have a sit down with Brad, walk him down some steps, say a couple lines to the ladies, shake his hand, then collect a paycheck. Awesome. I’m glad broadcasting school helped prepare him for this one. Up first is Brad’s safari date with Chantal. Chantal was dressed much more casual while Brad went for the complete dork look. Safari hat and mandals. Tell me he didn’t just wear that outfit? All in all, just an awful attire by him. I felt he should’ve been giving the tour on the “Jungle Cruise” at Disneyland. They begin in a tour where they decide it’d be a great idea to stop and wake a bunch of sleeping lions. That was smart. How about you just go up to them and stick your head in one of their mouths while you’re at it? Then we could call him Brad “Siegfried”. Or Brad “Roy”. Can’t remember which one got attacked. Nor do I care. At least Brad moved on from his infatuation with animals that will bite his head off to gushing about the giraffes. “That is a very pretty animal.” Sorry, but giraffes are kinda goofy looking to me. Something about them that I just don’t get and I can’t pinpoint what it is. I just can’t get with an animal that tall and skinny. Can’t chill with them and just hang out.
-Next up was lunch with a hippo. And they had a hippo in hanging out in the water behind them too. I kid. I kid. Brad’s in South Africa, thousands of miles away from Seattle, but his bromance with Mike O’Brien is at the front of his mind. Brad: “Is it weird for me to say I miss your family?” Uh, yeah it is dude. Especially when you’re never gonna see them again. Did you actually miss her family, or miss shootin’ the sh** with Mike and getting to look at his bronze statues? Or did you miss looking at her mom? I think we all did. I cannot begin to tell you how many emails I got last week that stated if there was ever a “Real Housewives of Seattle”, Billie Jo O’Brien would be the first woman they’d cast. It was like they all came in at the same time and all said the same thing. Creative. No, really. Then Brad reaches back into his “Bachelor” archive bag, and practically steals a line from Season 6 with Byron. Remember when it was down to the final two, and Byron toasted to Tanya by saying “To Christmas in Texas”, then ended up dumping her at the final two? Well, Brad kinda went the same route. He toasted at the picnic, “Cheers to a perfect beginning but even better endings.” Huh? Ouch. That’s gonna sting a little bit come final rose ceremony time. Kick him in the nuts, Chantal.
-I liked this dinner date the best. Why? Chantal’s dress with the unreal amount of cleavage she had going. Say what you want about the girl and weight that she gained from episode one until South Africa, but those puppies look damn good in some of the tops she wears. How in the world Brad could even focus for one second on anything but those bazooms is beyond me. Hey, Chantal might not be the “winner” this season, but she certainly wins for Best Knockers. How many more boob euphemisms can I squeeze into this paragraph. I’m at three already. Lets try for a world record. Brad: “I’m definitely most comfortable around you.” So much different watching last night’s show knowing the different outcome now. Now I hear Brad say that and go, “Did Emily just cringe and send Ricki to bed without dinner hearing that?” Chantal has a brilliant idea on this dinner date. “Lets just get married here and screw the engagement.” Only if you wear that as your wedding dress, sweet t**s (Four). Brad acted like he would’ve seriously taken Juggs McBongos (Five, Six) up on that offer if, you know, he actually liked her. At least now since we know we’re all gonna feel sorry for Chantal on the final rose ceremony day, at least put her in a dress that accentuates her, ummm, eyes. I think six is good enough. We can stop there.
-Uh, oh. It’s that time of the season. The dreaded fantasy suite card not actually written Chris Harrison, but signed by him. “Brad and Chantal, Welcome to the beautiful country of South Africa. Should choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison.” Was this the biggest no-brainer in all of no-brainers? Chantal: “We should go. We should hurry. I don’t feel like eating anymore.” Chantal even compares her overnight date to Las Vegas. “You know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and what happens on the overnight dates stays on the overnight dates.” Wow. Absolutely no shame there. Pretty much just admits “It’s getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes. I am…getting so hot…I’m gonna take my clothes off…” Well, that would’ve happened if these two weren’t given the WORST overnight date in the history of this show. Call it cute, call it original, call it romantic, blah blah blah. That was bullsh**. I’m sorry, a treehouse? Really? No thanks. And can we at least get a bathroom up in here? I mean, where did they wash off after afterwards? Gimmie a fat hotel room suite with a king sized bed covered in rose petals, 1000 thread count sheets, a hot tub, and some mirrored closets dammit. And mirrored ceilings. I need to watch it from every angle. Or something like that. Sucks for them man. Although, I’m sure they still found a way to knock it out even with bugs biting on them all night long.