“Reader Emails,” “Dr. Reality Steve,” Courtney Auto-Tune, Blakeley Giving a Lap Dance, and I Get a Little Nostalgic

Dr. Reality Steve

I was thinking of maybe saving one of these for the show tonight, but decided against it. Knowing how many questions I’ve been asked in the last two weeks during the live video blog, the more time I don’t spend taking questions, the more time for the question queue to fill up. Which is why I’m gonna have a little help tonight. A friend of mine, Jen Marcus, is going to read all your questions first so I don’t have dead air trying to read them and pull them up at the same time. She will approve them, which shows me a little notification, and then I just pull it up without having to read it first. Jen has her own little Bachelor blog at www.jensreality.com. Check it out. So blame her if your question doesn’t get read. Kidding. Here are your Dr. Reality Steve questions for the week…
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Hi Steve,

This is the first time I’ve emailed you so here goes…

A little more than 10 years ago I started dating a guy who I fell in love with and spent 2 great years with. It took me a long time to understand that I loved him more than he loved me b/c after those years he packed up and moved to Thailand for the experience of traveling. While he was away we kept in touch over the next few months with calls and emails every once and awhile. When he came back home we met up again, just as friends. Of course I still loved him but knew things would never be like that again. Then after a few more months I met a great guy and we started dating. Then one day my ex messaged me on msn wanting to get together for a drink to hang out. I told him I was involved in another relationship and didn’t think it would be good idea. Long story short, I was stupid and met up with him to chat and had a drink. Another long story short, he ended up taking advantage of me that night and I haven’t seen him since. After that night, my then current boyfriend and I were married. Now 8 years later I’m still living with the fact that my husband doesn’t know about the night my ex took advantage of me or the fact that his son could actually be my ex’s. I’ve held this in for so long, sometimes I can repress the thoughts and sometimes I can’t, but I’ve never spoken about it with anyone. And the only reason why I can bring this up to you is because you have no idea who I am and never will. B/c it’s already been a little over 8 years ago, should I even say anything to him? If it turns out my son is my ex’s should I even tell him? He’s in Singapore (based off of his facebook page), or should I not mess up anyone’s life and just enjoy the current family situation that I have?

Comment: Whoa. About half way through, my response would’ve been, “It’s 8 years ago. Big deal. No need to bring it up now. If it was that important, you would’ve told your boyfriend after it happened.” But when you dropped the “the fact that his son could actually be my ex’s,” well, that’s when things get a little hairy.

Hmmmmmm, I’m not a doctor so I don’t technically know how this could work, but I’m assuming you’d need some of your ex’s DNA to get a paternity test, right? That seems to be out of the question at this point. So the only other option is getting a paternity test with your husband to make sure the kid is his. But unless you can somehow grab some DNA off him without him knowing, looks like you’re gonna have to fess up and admit what happened 8 years ago which could pose more problems. The only other option is not saying anything, but I guarantee that’ll end up eating away at you the rest of your life.

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself these questions, but, does your son even look like your ex? Did you time everything out from the time you slept with the ex to the time your son was born? I mean, that’d be some serious bad luck if your son is your ex’s and your current husband has no clue. You need to get this take care of. Easiest way? The Maury Povich Show. He’ll do it for you and if it turns out your husband is not the baby daddy, all hell will break loose on set. I’d watch.
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Hi Dr Steve!

Thought I’d mention first (though I know you hear it in almost every email) how much I enjoy your column. Love your humour.

Anyways, I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible because I don’t want to ramble…
I’m in first year university and I haven’t ever been in a serious relationship – or any relationship for that matter. I’ve started seeing a guy for the past couple months or so, and I’m still unsure as to whether I want to commit to a serious relationship. It’s not that I’m interested in sleeping with other guys, I just don’t feel like I need to invest any more emotionally than I am already. Basically, we’re friends, we can hang out alone and in a group of our friends, and I’m comfortable with it as it is… That being said he is definitely the “relationship type” (one other previous girlfriend, 2 year long relationship). I can tell he hasn’t brought it up with me because he gets the vibe I’m not looking for much else, but I can tell he wants to be “girlfriend/boyfriend”. Firstly, what do you think the best way to deal with the situation would be? He’s a great guy and I’m sure would be a great boyfriend (especially for a first relationship), but I just can’t decide if that’s what I want right now. Also, what would you suggest as the protocol for Valentines Day? I can tell he definitely wants to do something, but with the relationship being where it’s at, I honestly have no idea what to do/expect!

Comment: Since this person spells humor with an “-our” and says she attends the “university,” my guess is she isn’t from the states. Sweet. I love out-of-the-country Dr. Reality Steve emails.

The fact that you said “I’m not interested in sleeping with other guys” signals to me that you are sleeping with this guy, but just want to keep it at that. Got it. If you’re not, then you at least need to tell him you are about as emotionally invested in your guys’ relationship than Ben is with anyone else not named Courtney. If you’re unsure if that’s what you want right now, then you’re sure. You don’t want it. If you did, you’d be in the relationship.

Valentine’s Day protocol? Ha ha. I’m the last person to ask about that. You know, considering I was once dating a girl for ONE month, we were two weeks short of Valentine’s Day, she asked me what I had planned. I’d never been put on the spot like that before so after I suggested we’d go to a nice dinner and hit up one of the nicer hotels in DFW (it was the first thing that popped into my head), she uttered, “That’s great and all, but I’d much rather you buy me a Coach purse than spend money on me for dinner.” I really wish I were making that up. I’m not. One month we’d been dating. A lot of other crazy sh** happened that night, but that was the beginning of the end for us. We were broken up about 6 hours after that came flying out of her mouth. So yeah, if you’ve only been with this guy a couple months, no need to go overboard for Valentine’s Day. Especially since you don’t seem to want to take it much further than friends with benefits. Good luck.

Hey, you really want to send him running for the hills so you don’t have to do the breaking up part? Ask him to buy you a Gucci bag. That should do the trick.
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Hi Steve, love your blog. Here’s a Dr. Reality Steve question for you.

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now and although not perfect I would say our marriage is pretty good. We did get married young though and had a lot to learn about each other. One the most important things I learned about my husband is that he values and needs my respect more then anything. Anyway my BIGGEST pet peeve is when someone chews loudly and unfortunately I think my husband learned his table manners from Porky Pig, it really bothers me, it can be a big turn off too. So how do I bring this up and respectfully, tactfully ask him to work on his table manners without sounding like a harping b*tch? Thanks (ps. yes I have brought it up before, but more in a joking way so I don’t think he knows how seriously it bothers me) .

Comment: I don’t think telling your husband to not eat like a farm animal makes you a harping bitch. I think you’re just gonna have to be honest and tell him. And if he doesn’t believe you, you need to secretly video tape him while he’s eating and show it to him. I guarantee he doesn’t think he eats like a slob, so the only way to prove it to him is to have him watch himself eat. Might be tough to pull off but that seems to be the only way he’ll get your point if he resists when you first mention it to him.
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Since this person used names, I’m assuming it was ok to reprint them.

Hi Steve. Your column is a lot of fun to read, I check back every week for new stuff/spoilers. Anyway, I have a problem and need some advice from a third party who’ll be neutral/objective. First, I’ll have to give you a little bit of background on the situation. There’s this guy in my life Tom, who’s a good friend. We’ve known each other about a year now, and got introduced through a mutual friend. Last year, he started dating my friend (the one who introduced us) Sira, but they broke up due to long distance. Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, he admits that he had feelings for me, which was nice and all, but Sira’s mother assumed the worst and thought that we were dating behind her back. Which wasn’t the case at all, because Sira gave us her blessing. And that’s another thing too, we’re not kids or anything; Sira is 27, Tom is 30, and I’m 26.

Sira’s mother is pretty overprotective of her, and she butted in to our business and told her that she should be angry at us, even though we didn’t do anything wrong. Okay, here’s the real problem, sorry for all of the babbling: Last year, Tom and I tried dating for awhile, he’s really sweet and showers me with lots of compliments and gifts. But he can be a little bit smothering at times, plus, not to mention the fact that I only think of him just as a friend, there’s no sparks or chemistry. So we broke up, and he started dating another girl and I thought (with relief I might add) that he moved on. But he just broke up with her and now he’s starting to get romantic with me again, sending me phone calls and text messages. I never did tell him how I really felt, because I’m a nice person and don’t like hurting other people’s feelings. And the thing is that, he has this rule that he never dates the same girl twice, but apparently he made an exception for me, and I’m afraid that he’s starting to fall in love with me, and I don’t know how to let him down gently that I’m not into him like he’s into me. Please help! Thanks.

Comment: This is easy. Tell him you don’t like him. I’m telling you ladies, telling guys things you think they want to hear to spare their feelings will never get you anywhere. It’ll only put you in situations like this. You tell him you don’t want him like that, then he immediately gets the picture. But if you hem and haw, and flirt, and stay coy about things, he is still gonna try to get in your pants. Just tell him while you think he’s a great guy, you don’t see any future between you two so you think he should move on.

I have a few pet peeves when it comes to relationships, but nothing bothers me more than someone who tells me things because they think it’s what I want to hear, and not because they actually believed them. If I had a dollar for every time that happened to me, I’d be able to buy a newly released Blu ray DVD.
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Hi Dr. Steve,

I have a guy issue that literally none of my friends know how to advise me on anymore, so I’m hoping you can help me out.

I’m a 25 year old female, and I’m having an issue with a guy I used to hook up with. The short of it is: we’re both in grad school together; we met in April through mutual friends and started dating. Things were all sunshine and roses, then the day the semester ended and he was moving back home for the summer (he lives 2.5 hours away), he broke things off with no explanation, only stating “I just want to be friends.” I figured he just wanted to be single and bang whomever he wanted over the summer, and thought that was that.

However, come fall semester, the dude wouldn’t leave me alone. For 3 months straight he texted me every day asking me to do anything: to go to lunch, get coffee..just anything to get face time with him. I ignored his requests until I finally realized he was serious. He recently got a great internship in our field, dropped a lot of weight (30 lbs), gained muscle, and looks amazing- so he fed me the whole “now I’m taking my life seriously and I’m ready for a girlfriend” bs. I gave him a second chance, and lo and behold he got freaked out because we started to get too close emotionally. Yet, 2 days later he was back to texting and calling me every day. Over winter break I told him not to talk to me because I needed time to get over things and he agreed (yet still attempted to see me over break). However, now, it’s spring semester, and after all that, he still constantly calls/texts me and wants to try dating again. FYI: I’ve never slept with this guy; and we’ve done nothing more than making out since his 2nd attempt to win me back again began this past fall..so hs persistency is confusing because it’s not like he’s getting ass from me.

He is a headcase who constantly flip flops, and I’m aware of that. However, I don’t know how to handle the guy anymore because he just literally won’t leave me alone. My feelings for him aren’t even that strong, but the fact that I just KNOW he’s going to pop back into my life doesn’t allow me the time and space I need to get over him. I’ve tried ignoring him, calling him out on his issues, being straight up with him and telling him I can’t trust him enough to date him again and to stop contacting me, but he comes back and tries to start things up again every single time! This is the 3rd go around and I’ve had enough. How do I get him out of my life without being a total bitch, in order to give myself the opportunity to fully move on and get over the situation? We go to the same school and have several mutual friends who all hang out so never seeing him again isn’t really a possibility as of now.

Thanks for any insight you can give!

Comment: If you’ve already tried all the things you said you did – ignoring him, calling him out on his issues, etc – and he’s still making advances towards you, then you do the right thing and kick him in the nuts next time you see him. Outside of running into him in person, if you ignore all texts, emails and phone calls, he will eventually get the picture. But if you even respond to ONE, he’ll use that to keep creeping on you. So ignore EVERYTHING he does and I guarantee he’ll move on.

I love the fact I seem to be getting a bunch of college kids emailing me about their problems. This is awesome. If I could set up a booth on a college campus all day long and spew the knowledge I have now to those who were in my position 15 years ago, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I could listen to sh** like this all day and never get bored. And yes, it has been 15 YEARS since I was last in college. Good God. When can I start applying for Social Security?
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Hey Dr Steve..

I was wondering if I could get your take on *mother-in-laws*. I’m using that title for lack of a better term; because really I’m talking about a situation when you’ve been dating someone for a long time – like a couple years – how important is it for you to get along with their parents? would you consider it a deal breaker if your significant other’s mom thought you were terrible and made no effort to change that opinion? even though you’ve attempted (respectably of course) numerous times to show them that there is a pretty decent person under there that their child has deemed more than worthy of spending a lot of their time with?

Now I know Mother-in-laws have a really bad rep, but to be honest – I’ve loved the parents of the majority of people I’ve dated or been friends with.. in fact, in the past when relationships have ended (whether it romantic or just friends) I ended up missing the parents more than the actual partner/peer.. haha.

Comment: Well, I’ve never had a mother-in-law, but I can tell you if I did, and she didn’t like me, that’d bother me a lot. And I’m sure it would cause strain on my relationship. With that said, every girlfriend I’ve ever had, their mother has loved me, so, I’m not worried. I mean really, can you blame them? What’s not to like about me? Ha ha..

For myself, if I were in that situation, I’d really need to know the specifics about why their mom didn’t like me. And if I thought it was some BS reason, or she was just a cold hearted bitch, then yeah, it probably would be a dealbreaker. I do not want to be married to someone where we can’t hang out with her family without their being some sort of tension because they don’t like me. That’d be awful.
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