-At the after party, we see Emily first pulled aside with Chris, who has been begging for two episodes now to get time with Emily. Last week, he was bummed about not getting the first impression rose. Earlier in the episode, he was begging to get a 1-on-1 date. Now, he’s trying to appeal to her to get the group date rose. Seems to me that Chris is a little too giddy over this process. He’s completely intimidated by Emily and acts like a 5th grader around her. And all the while is able to do this without moving his mouth. Do his lips even move when he speaks? Are we sure this guy isn’t a professional ventriloquist? If he’s not, he should start up a second career because I’m fascinated by how small his mouth is and how he barely moves it when he talks. While they’re talking, Chris tells her “You’re so good looking” and “You’re like the most gorgeous woman I’ve seen in my life” after she compliments him on his looks. If this was a cartoon, you’d see a bunch of hearts floating above Chris’ head and his face colored in red. It’s safe to say Chris has never dated a good looking woman before because with as much as he’s complimenting her back, it’s becoming nauseating. Dude, you’re overdoing it. You sound waaaaaaay too eager and have zero confidence. That’s not working too well. I half expect you to start pulling her hair or writing “C&E” all over your pee chee folders.
-Next up is Jef. Emily flirts with him saying that she’s been giving him the eye, trying to get his attention, and then when she sees him looking at her, he looks away. She’s been wondering where he was all night because she was excited to talk to him. Jef is completely clueless and has no idea anyone like Emily would ever have an interest in him whatsoever. I can’t quite figure out who had a worse reaction sitting next to Emily, Jef or Chris? Both of these guys completely put Emily up on a pedestal and are shocked to hear she even has an interest them. Trust me, so am I. Especially considering Jef is wearing his skinny jeans again tonight. Didn’t Emily say in a pre-season interview when asked about what type of guy she likes that she made a reference to, “Well, I at least gotta fit into his jeans.” Sorry, but there isn’t a chance in hell Emily fit into the jeans Jef was rocking last night. I’m sure that Jef’s sperm count was low last night due to the lack of blood circulation being able to flow through his body. Did he spray paint those pants on or just buy a pair that had “XS” on the tag? Yikes. I guess if these two ever end up together, they could both shop at the same jeans store, so that’d be a plus.
-Stevie gets some time alone with Emily to creep her out even more. He slow danced with her. I guess this was Stevie’s way of showing Emily what a fun and interesting guy he is, and to not look at him as some wedding singer, but rather, as someone who can be a productive member of society even though his father was held captive by the grumpy old lady in the “Goonies” all those years. Is Stevie best friends with Chunk? Because as we all know, Sloth loves Chunk. And Baby Ruth. I think Stevie is like that proverbial car crash to the rest of the guys. So much so that they go spy on him dancing with Emily just so they can have a good laugh. I’m guessing none of them think for a second Emily is actually into this guy, or else why would they be laughing at the guy so much for just dancing with her? Of course, since the producers wouldn’t dare have any of the guys interrupt Emily with Chris or Jef considering they are final four guys, it was only a matter of time before a producer went up to Kalon and said, “Ok, Stevie is in the other room dancing with Emily right now. Go in there and ask to talk to her. You know, cuz you had conflict with him in the first episode, this will just continue our early season feud with you two. Now go interrupt him so we can get some footage.”
-So now when Kalon butts in and steals Emily away from Stevie, we get to see his Don Johnson look – no socks and loafers. Lovely. I can’t tell you how douchey that look is. Well, yes I can. You probably already agree with me. Ladies, can you really take any guy seriously under the age of 30 who’s already rockin the slacks with no socks and loafers on? Didn’t think so. We’re two episodes in and Kalon once again is referring to how “my mom always told me…” Was this guy breast fed til he was 10 or something? Why does he have to keep telling us what mommy did for him or told him how to act? Is that necessary? He also said he was raised a gentleman, but is a little “more eloquent” about it compared to some of the other guys. Really? Verrrrrrry interesting. Why? Remember how I told you I have a copy of a memoir that Kalon emailed to friends a few years describing his “exploits” on a weekend trip to LA? You want to read the first 3 paragraphs of it? Unedited, left all the grammar mistakes and punctuation as is. Ladies and gentleman, Kalon McMahon. You’ve been warned:
“Imagine a trip so crazy that you don’t even spend a single night in
the luxury hotel room you paid for… The Roosevelt was sexy, but I could only manage enough time there to change clothes and brush my teeth. Lets take it from the top. I take the obnoxiously early flight out of Houston hobby and manage to land @ 9am. Listing to the voice in my head as I wait for by bags I convince myself the time zones had actually allowed me to time travel. Left Houston at 7 and arrive in la at 9 after a 3 hr flight… how is that not time travel?
Anyways my friend cary picks me up in his prius… awesome car by the way super shiek in la. As long as you have good music… Everyone drives with their widows down at all times here and I love it. The weather and the city are equally infectious. Its January, its 75 degrees out, and not a cloud in the sky. Witin 17 seconds of being in the car I proclaim to cary “I am moving here” just as I’m sure every tourist fresh of the boat does, but I convince us both I am genuine and actually mean it. Hey, if you can convincingly lie to yourself you can do anything…
First things first, cary and I get high and I enjoy the drive down the 405 through bev hills and up into the hills. All you see is beautiful people, lots of billboards, and exotic cars. Carys living situation is a special one… he lives in a 3 million dollar Spanish mini castle with 4 other people… A porn producer, a Victoria secret model, and two model/actors (that’s what everyone is here). They tell me they have an open guest house… Again I tell cary I am moving here (not the last time). Carey changes clothes and we head back down the hill. At this point I realize that carey is the worst driver in the world. I am getting nasious… He texts, chain smokes, and dj’s this fuel efficient death trap all while stearing with his knee… I tell him I need to get out of the car so we grab a coffe at earth café (as seen on entourage) Cary thinks I am impressed by this kind of stuff but I tell him if I am moving here I want to experience real la not stupid tourist destinations. Once I taste my smoothie I realize this place is actually amazing and I apologize for calling cary cheesy. At this point cary gets a call from his agent and discovers he has a call back for a nokia commercial. Forgot to mention he is also one of those actor/models. I guess I also neglected to even mention how I know cary sorry… We partied for a week straight for spring break in Acapulco my jr year of college with 20 arizona girls (previous equally hilarious chapter) Anyways, cary has to go to his callback in a few hrs so we decided to go check me into the Roosevelt. Pulling in I realize this hotel is equally sexy to any girl I have ever been with and like them I can already tell I wont want to ever pull out… I check in and they give me a cabana room over looking the pool. life is good… cary and I have lunch and a few cocktails by the pool all while discussing how perfectly cary thinks I would fit in here. Everyone keeps telling me I have the look… I really wish I understood what that even meant? Cary finally leaves so I reside to a poolside bed to read tucker max, jam my ipod, and text every girl I know in town to inform them I have arrived… I love this game. Its never first come first serve… I text everyone to gauge the potential of the night then weigh my options. Survival of the fittest I think is the scientific term. So this introduces our cast of potential characters. First is the “friend of a friend” set up from a friend in Houston that im not really friends with funny. Usually this is a last resort bc I am not one for blind dates bc of my obnoxioyusly high standards that I love to remind everyone of. “I only f**k supermodels” comes out of my mouth frequently when im drunk. Hey f**k one model you get a little cocky… f**k two models you can convince yourself you are capable of anything… even writing a book about it (cut to me writing). I digress…
Trust me, it only gets worse. And longer. It’s 10 pages of this nonsense where this pretentious dbag talks about hooking up with chicks, who he saw in LA, and how he fits in so well there. Uh huh. I’m guessing Kalon is loving the attention that this show will bring him, regardless of if its good or bad.
-Next up we have two guys at the cocktail party basically giving us the equivalent of two chicks slap fighting, Stevie and Kalon. Question: If Stevie and Kalon are arguing in a forest, does anybody hear it?
Stevie: (sh** eating grin and hammered): “I don’t like you.”
Kalon: I wouldn’t like me either if I were you bro…but fortunately I’m me. Did I tell you I only f**k supermodels? Yeah, that’s totally who I am. Me and supermodels. You know it. Bro.”
Why do I get the impression that Kalon’s senior yearbook quote was, “All the women want to be with me, and the men want to be like me.” – Ric Flair. King Douchenozzle is really separating himself from the rest of the crowd this season. I think Derek Zoolander looks at Kalon and thinks, “My God, could this guy be any more stuck on himself?” I’m glad Zoolander only has a few episodes left before getting the heave-ho. He’s nauseating to watch. People who aren’t that important yet think they are are quite possibly the most annoying people on the planet.
-Emily gives Jef the rose since, according to her People.com blog this morning, basically she felt sorry for the little kid like his parents had just dropped him off at summer camp against his wishes he’d just dropped his ice cream. Whatever the case, Chris is pissed. He’s under the impression no one on this earth had just had a better conversation than he and Emily did in their time together. Funny you say that Chris, because according to Jef, what he and Emily talked about in their time alone was the greatest conversation ever as well. So one of you is lying. I think it’s Chris. I’m guessing that Jef and Emily being able to discuss what jeggings they were going to buy at Forever 21 together was far more exhilarating than what you two talked about. Ska8er Boy has you beat there, dude. Any time you can talk fashion with a woman, you are golden. Especially when you share the same waist size.