-Cocktail party time and they immediately show us Emily getting some alone time with Arie. This is important because it sets up their 1-on-1 date next week at Dollywood. Arie tells Emily that he once dated a girl that had two children, and he loves kids. That’s interesting to hear Arie. I’ll be more than happy to expand on that in a couple of days here. Yes, it’s that time. In Thursday’s column, it’s time to break out the “Arie Luyendyk: This is Your Life” column and reveal to everyone the mess that he’s made of his life since going on the show. Names will be printed, pictures will be given, links to facebooks and Twitter accounts will be given as well. Just wanted to give everyone a better picture of what kind of guy Arie actually is and how great of a “friend” he is to others. Stay tuned. In the meantime, the load of BS he’s feeding Emily and all of America really is fun to watch. I’m enjoying it. I’ll just lay out what Arie’s life has been like the last 5 months and let you decide for yourself if you think this guy is legit. Bring a pen, paper, and an empty chart. It might get confusing.
-If the producer manipulation with the whole Kalon/Stevie thing wasn’t enough this episode, what happened with Tony at the cocktail party definitely took the cake. So Tony is talking about wanting some alone time with Emily but now is bothered that Ryan is with her because Ryan is already safe with a rose. So of course Tony, prompted by a producer obviously, goes to break up their little chat. Unbeknownst to him, Ryan has decided in his down time since the 1-on-1 date to write Emily a novel rivaling “War and Peace” and present it to her right now. At the cocktail party. Right before you walk in to interrupt. And not only that, Emily just HAS to read it right then with you standing there in the corner with a thumb up your ass looking like a complete doofus. Look, if that situation were remotely real, Tony would’ve walked in the room, seen Ryan was presenting her with a journal, and left the room to come back later. Him standing there listening to her read was just ridiculous. If I were Tony, I’d have just walked up and been like, “Dude, you had one date with her and you just wrote her a 7 page letter? Are you also gonna poke her on FB, follow her on Twitter, and comment on every picture she posts to Instagram as well?” This whole scene was ridiculous. From Ryan’s 7 page letter to a woman he’s known 4 days, to Tony standing like a fool, to Emily actually being forced to read the damn thing in front of him, ha ha ha ha. What a joke. At least it made for entertaining TV. Good thing none of it was real.
-Zoolander’s turn to pull Emily aside and make an ass of himself even more. He even started a sentence with, “One thing my mom did instill in me….” Ok dude, we get it. Mommy pampered you during your childhood and you ate your cereal every morning with a golden spoon. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pretentious nerd with glossy lips, loafers, and completely illogical sense of self worth. In other words, you’re a douche. Maybe Summer’s Eve is a better nickname for him. Hey, even John Wolfner agrees with me. “If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you’re a dude, you’re a _________.” Best Line of the Night #1. Easy. Not that Wolfner didn’t tell us anything we already didn’t know, but, props to him for actually saying it in front of the camera.
-Rose ceremony time. Jef and Ryan already safe with roses. Emily: “Interesting night…so patient…being open and being honest…looking forward to growing my relationship with each of you…Joe called and said he and Kathleen are doing great. He misses you guys and sends his best.”
Summer’s Eve: Seems like someone who’d wear flavored lip gloss.
Arie: Well, there’s more than Cassie in his life, that’s for sure.
Michael: A green puppet got more screen time than you this week. Not good.
Nate: Yes, his name is Nate. Mystery has been solved. Or I guess I just lost interest in trying to figure out more about someone no one cares about.
Sean: For a guy that lasts as long as he does, we sure haven’t seen a lick of him for two episodes.
Chris: I think he should take his ventriloquist act to Vegas. Maybe he can give Terry Fator a run for his money.
Doug Did you see his answer when Emily asked him if he’d accept the rose? He had the most defeated look on his face and said, “Yeah.” Gee, don’t get too excited there big boy.
Travis: Hey, where’s the egg? Oh wait, here it is:
Great. He named the egg “Shelley.” Honestly, I’m glad Emily smashes that thing next week. Stop singing Travis. Please.
Tony: Well, I guess the producers convinced him that if he stood in the corner looking like an ass, he’d get a rose. I don’t think that was a fair trade off, but that’s just me.
John: Best line of the night, yet, we’ve barely seen him as well.
Alessandro: He is just as shocked as we are, trust me.
Terminator: Hey Charlie, tell your boy Uggla he’s killing me on my fantasy baseball team.
Alejandro: One small step for man, one giant leap for all mushroom farmers of the world.
“Emily, gentlemen. This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. With my divorce looming and Gwen getting half my sh**, maybe I will need to hit up the Muppets for a second gig alongside Statler.”
Stevie: He’s the poster child for all bad wedding and Bat Mitvah DJ’s out there. He gives them hope. God help us.