Dr. Reality Steve
Dr. Reality Steve,
WARNING!! Super duper long!!!
I was dating a guy for 2 years, and I was starting to get bored. It was the longest relationship I had ever had at that point. I went to a party one night without him, met a guy, broke up with the boyfriend, and have been with that other guy for the past 3.5 years. So I have not been single in 5.5 years. I am 24. Also, my current boyfriend and I just had a baby, and we are obviously living together. He is renting out his old house, and we have a “happy” little family together. Let’s call my current boyfriend ‘Z’.
Sounds perfect, right? Well not so much. When Z and I got together, he also had to break up with his then-current girlfriend. Well he did, but a few months into our relationship he cheated on me with her. So we broke up for a few months and ending up getting back together. Yes, I do think “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but we are going to throw that out of the window for this situation at the moment. Getting back together was easy yet hard. It obviously felt good, but it was hard because I obviously couldn’t trust him fully. Over the past few years, we never got back up to 100%, but we got close and I ended up forgiving him for cheating on me and we moved on. We still are not perfect, and it still gets brought up every once and a while, but I’ve become accustomed to it.
But that is over and done with… the problem now is that I am so so so BORED in the relationship (and in bed). I got bored in the last one too, but just quit trying and obviously moved on to the next relationship. I have tried lots of stuff to get to be more interested- going on new adventures together, hot dates, rearranging our bedroom, even got new ‘toys’ to play with. Nothing really worked. We don’t have sex much, because its boring to me. Even trying new positions. Same old, same old.
I am even bored with the way he looks. He has totally let him self go because we are so comfortable together. I hate kissing him because he lets his facial hair outgrow and when he eats I just sit there and stare at all the food in his mustache. Then he asks for a kiss. Um no, gross. And its also itchy on my lips and doesn’t feel good. His hair looks like a giant mop, because he only gets it cut like once every two months. And there’s the normal weight gain issue.. let’s just say he’s not as muscular as he was when first got together. The hottest thing about him when we met was his muscular arms. I don’t think he’s lifted weights in the past 2 years. I know looks aren’t everything, but its gotten so bad in the last year. He basically made me lose all physical attraction I ever had to him. And I’m not trying to point fingers, because there was a time in the past 3.5 years where I gained 50 lbs bc I got so comfortable. But I have since lost all that since the baby, and am super proud.
It’s also boring to me because he rarely does anything “sweet” for me. And I’m a sappy person and I love the romance, but I know he SUCKS at romantic gestures so I let it slide. But it still bothers me on the inside. Like, for my FIRST mothers day, he got me a card that was supposed to be from our then 1 month old, but didn’t even sign it. He got me a BLANK CARD for my FIRST mothers day (and nothing else). Who does that?!?! And don’t even ask me to tell you the last time he got me flowers, jewelry, something homemade/thoughtful, or planned a date for us (I do all the planning). I wouldn’t be able to remember.
So, I’m super bored. And feeling stuck. Here’s the kicker: I am trying to finish up my college classes, and there is this guy in my class that I really like. We worked together on a group project, and he’s super sweet and super nice, very clean cut and in shape. I’m in that super middle-school crush stage at the moment. Oh, and my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and is getting to be all flirty with all these guys and be single again. I’m slightly jealous. But then I remember that I have a DAUGHTER, that I want to have a dad (I grew up with a single mom, with dad not being in the picture much at all. I don’t want that for my daughter). I want to have a family! I want my daughter to grow up knowing her dad. But I am so unhappy/bored. It’s a case of, do you stay together for the kids? Or do you make yourself happy? Oh and on a side note, the tiredness/stressfullness of having a newborn has made us both basically hate each other. We have 1 good day a week, on average. And our daughter is almost 6 months old.
But I do love him a lot, its just been really hard lately. And I am willing to work on it with him, but that has to be double sided, and I’m not so sure he wants to put forth that effort to work it out either right now.
Comment: Ok, first off, I’m gonna plug Insanity. Again. Go tell your husband to do that to get back in shape.
As for your situation, I’m going to be honest with you – you are completely relationship immature and very fickle. And the end of your email, you seemed to somewhat comprehend that you are a mother now and need to take a bit of responsibility for that, but everything else you wrote just sounds like you want another dude to play with and not necessarily a father/husband. I get it. Your marriage sucks right now. But you made your own bed, now you must lie in it. So either separate from your husband, or try to work things out. Staying with him because you have a kid will only make you more miserable by the sound of what you wrote. You don’t seem to be satisfied in any part of your marriage right now, so why stay?
But because your sister is flirting now, and the guy at school is good looking and in better shape – those aren’t reasons to end a marriage. You need to re-evaluate what’s actually important first, then decide if that means fighting to keep your marriage. If it’s not, then get out. You don’t sound happy.
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
One of my closest friends has been dating a complete loser for a little under a year now. I’ve been in a different city for the past six months, and I didn’t think they were that serious. The first time I met him I remember “jokingly” saying that if she married him I couldn’t stay friends with her. Well, apparently I was wrong about them not being serious because they just got engaged.
I’m aware it’s not my place to tell her how to live her life, but this dude is just such an idiot. He’s been working on his undergraduate degree for six (!!) years now. And I doubt he’ll be graduating anytime soon. He seems to be content to mooch off the world, racking up student loans and thinking he’s a brilliant scholar. And if by some miracle he does graduate, I don’t see him capable of holding down a job. I pointed this out to my friend early in their relationship, but she just laughed it off, saying that he was “still growing” or some sh*t like that.
My friend is actually a really great girl and could do so much better. She’s an accountant at an excellent firm and is already in line for a promotion. She’s intelligent, pretty, stable, and an overall decent person. The douchenozzle groom, on the other hand, has no direction in life, a questionable sense of humor, and is lacking in the looks department. He’s somewhat overweight right now, and the rest of his family looks like a bunch of walruses. So you know where that’s headed. And he has a beard. I’ve met him multiple times now, and he seems to think sexist jokes are hilarious. And you know, some are, but I think it’s a bit odd when a person sticks exclusively to that sort of material. Oh, and there was that time at a barbecue when he asked her to get him a beer and slapped her ass. This is a girl who once aspired to be a Supreme Court justice.
On one outing I asked him if he had any plans for once he finished school (there was some sarcasm in this question), and he made a joke about living off his wife. I may have then cast some aspersions on his character, and I’m pretty sure he dislikes me rather strongly now. Oh, and the ring he proposed to her with? His grandmother’s. Sentimental, sure. But also free.
Our other friends agree with me on how much of a loser he is, but they don’t feel like they can say anything. I understand that, and I know that if I did break them up, my friend would probably never fully forgive me for it. So I’m writing to ask for your advice in how to break them up without implicating myself. I have a few ideas, but you’ve dealt with the underhanded Bachelor franchise, so perhaps you know a few tricks. I feel like I’m in some sort of bad movie cliché, but I’m being completely honest when I say that if this friend marries this guy, our friendship will never be the same. Beyond that, though, I don’t see a happy future for her if she marries him, and she deserves a lot more than that.
Comment: “Oh, and there was that time at a barbecue when he asked her to get him a beer and slapped her ass. This is a girl who once aspired to be a Supreme Court justice.” Sorry, but that made me giggle. I don’t know why.
Your situation is not uncommon. The ol’ “We-don’t-like-your-boyfriend/fiancé” deal. Look, there’s really nothing you can say or do that’s gonna change her mind. People in that state never want to see the negative side of their relationship, even when all their friends are telling them what a dbag their significant other is. She’s gonna have to find out on her own. I mean, you can try to stage an “intervention” with you and your friends, but considering she’s engaged now, it might just go in one ear out the other. But if you do, you need to give her specific examples like you just gave me. Maybe she knows they go on, but doesn’t think it’s that big of deal. All you can do is plant the seed in her mind, and maybe one day it’ll click with her.
However, if you do stage some sort of intervention where you all sit around and each of you tell her essentially she’s making a mistake and can do better and here’s why, just know the ramifications could be pretty bad. She might cut all of you out. That’s the risk you’re going to take, but if you think that’s the right thing to do and she needs to know more than just a comment here or there to her, then I’d try it. But be prepared to possibly lose a friend. She might completely get turned off by it. However, if she’s really a good friend and rational person, she’ll listen to what you said and give it more thought than she probably already has.
I can’t believe she hasn’t said anything or noticed this stuff on her own yet. Does she have low self esteem? Did she lose her virginity to this guy? Is this her first serious boyfriend? Did she not date much?
As a little bit of background, I’m 27 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for just short of two years now. I’ve always thought of him as a trustworthy person, more so than any guy I’ve ever dated, because I’ve always felt like we were on the same page. We met online, but after a few months of living apart, I moved to his state and have been living with him since. Next weekend he was/is supposed to be getting me an engagement ring.
Anyway, Saturday morning I wake up and reach over to check his phone for what time it is, since mine was charging across the room, and notice that over the course of the night he has accumulated 3 texts. That’s odd for him, because he doesn’t really text any of his buddies very much, and we’re both not the most social people ever. He’s given me the unlock code for his phone and we’ve never really hidden anything, so I decide to check on the texts, just figuring that it’s his best guy friend that I’ve talked to and looked at texts from before anyway. I come to find out, 2 of the 3 were from a girl I had never even heard of before. As I’ve mentioned, we don’t really keep things from each other, so I’m kinda shocked. I opened it up and there’s a -huge- string of texts from this girl. According to our mobile site, it’s been 300+ so far this month. So I scan through it but it’s so long that I only pick out a few things before I end up deleting it: 1) he’s called her cute, after what seemed like a fishing statement on her part, 2) they were having the whole “what’s your favorite food/color/whatever” conversation that through the years, I’ve found to be reserved for people you are interested in (I could be wrong, but I don’t get to know a friend the same way as a potential love interest), and 3) we had gotten into an argument that Friday night, a small one that would usually be forgotten by morning, but yet he was complaining about me to her.
I proceed to wake him up and ask what the f*ck is with all of that. Who is this girl and why is he texting her so much? Turns out he met her on the job. He’s in IT and repairs stuff for retail stores in the area. He did mention at one point a few weeks ago that he’d had a decent conversation with one of the employees at Target, but I never heard about it again after that, especially not that he gave her his number or vice versa. In the context of our relationship, this is a pretty huge betrayal of trust. We’re both a little jealous and like every detail being divulged. Hell, he often likes to say that withholding information is tantamount to lying. He even said himself that if he had been in my place, our relationship would probably be over. He says he doesn’t know why he did it, that I haven’t made him unhappy or anything, and that he wasn’t interested in her. He seemed honestly upset and apologetic, and offered never to speak to her again. The way I see it, it seems that I caught this before it went too far, but that if I hadn’t, it very well could have.
My questions are: What do you think his motive was? I mean, why would he hide it from me if it was innocent? Could he have solely wanted a friendship, and this just be a one time mistake on his part? What should my reaction be? Is this something I should overlook, or should I take a few steps back before getting engaged to this guy?
Comment: I don’t think he’s sorry for what he did. I think he’s sorry he got caught. Because yes, like you said, if you didn’t find anything, was he going to stop the relationship on his own? Probably not. He’d have no reason to since you had no idea about it. He only said he wasn’t interested in her because you found it. What could he say at that point? He realized he was busted.
I don’t think you overreacted at all. You’re living with this guy and he has over 300 texts to another girl. Yes, he was interested in her, but who knows how far he was willing to go. Only he knows that. It’s definitely a red flag, and something the two of you need to hash out before any engagement happens.
If I were you, and he’s serious about cutting off all communication with her, I’d ask him to show you that text where he ends things with her and says that he can’t do this anymore. Because if you don’t see it actually happen, what he’ll really text her is, “My girlfriend just found our texts. I have to be more careful now, so don’t text me unless I text you.” Count on it.
A friend of mine was not interested/emotionally ready to pursue a romantic relationship in her mid to late 20’s, but she was ready to be a mom, so she adopted 3 young kids as a single mom by the age of 28. She is now 30 and decided she is ready for a relationship and wants to try dating. She also wants a father figure for her kids. However, she told me that even if she eventually marries a guy, she doesn’t want to allow him to legally adopt the kids. Her rationale is that in case they later divorce, she doesn’t want him to have any legal rights to the kids, thereby avoiding a nasty custody battle.
This didn’t make much sense to me. I wouldn’t trust a guy who agreed to serve as a father figure without wanting or demanding to secure legal rights because he seems to be indicating that he’s not really investing in a relationship with the kids. He knows full well that if things go bad in his relationship with her, that she can rip the kids away completely or drastically limit his time with them, and there’s not a damn thing he can do to stop her. This arrangement is also problematic because the kids are going to invest in this guy whether he’s their legal dad or not, and it wouldn’t be fair to them for her to cut him out of their lives simply because her relationship with him didn’t work out (no matter how bad it ended).
My husband disagrees. He thinks most men would be thrilled with this situation as it would allow them to walk away without 3 child support payments. He furthermore thinks that most men would prefer more of a “stepdad” role anyway, and will not want to continue a relationship with the kids if things go sour with her.
Is she attracting bad guys by seeking this arrangement? Or is she clever for protecting her sole custody rights and attracting guys by giving them an easy out?
Comment: So before she gets married, she’s already implanted in her brain, “Well, in case it doesn’t work out…” I think that’s the wrong thinking if she’s serious about finding a husband. She should WANT the guy she’s with to want to be her kids’ father. If not, then it just sounds like she’s looking for a male companion to satisfy her other needs, and isn’t truly all that invested in a marriage.
If a guy is really interested in marrying into your friend and her three kids clan, I would think it’s because he’s serious about being their father. I guess it all depends on this: When she starts dating guys and it gets a tad serious, does she flat out tell them she’ll never want them adopting her kids? If she does, and the guy has no problem with that, then who am I to say anything? If the guy is fine with it, then that’s his deal. But if she’s springing this on them later, that’s a problem and I’m sure the guy won’t be too happy.
I just don’t think your friend is really, truly interested in getting married, and I feel for the guy that does marry her because he’s playing 4th fiddle to the three little ones she obviously cares more about since she’s already looking for a scapegoat if things go south.
I could really use some outside, unbiased advice and I’d really appreciate your input!
I am 27 and going through a divorce. My ex and I have two amazing kids together. It wasn’t a great split, very unexpected on my part, a lot of trust was broken and long story short he has been dating someone since like a week after I moved out. It took me a while but I’ve dealt with it all and now see that our marriage wasn’t as healthy as I once thought.
Anyway – quite a while after everything happened I reached out to an old ex that I dated briefly when my husband (then boyfriend) split up. He was someone I had a blast with but ultimately ended up going back to my relationship. We met up and the attraction and everything was definitely still there. We’ve been seeing each other A LOT since then. My concern is he is really into this and I’m scared that this is just a rebound thing for me. When I’m with him I have an absolute blast. He has been so understanding and comforting in regards to what I’m going through. When we’re together I have absolutely zero reservations about him. Once we’re apart I start over analyzing things. He’s never been married before, and he also doesn’t have kids. I’m worried that my “baggage” (sorry Emily!), and his lack of experience will cause future issues. He has not met my kids and I have zero intention on going there for a very long time. I guess my biggest concern is me hurting him. He’s been through a lot of hard times over the past 7 years and I can’t stand the thought of being the next “bad thing” to happen to him. I also know he has wanted kids for a while, he’s 30, and I don’t want to rush into anything just for that reason. I have been honest with him about all of this, but he seems to be full steam ahead.
Should I bail now? Or wait it out and see if this could be something real???
Comment: I think you’re scared to jump into something after your divorce, which make sense, but you seem to have nothing but good things to say about the guy. Don’t kill it before it ever starts. Give the whole thing a chance. You seem to like him, so see where it goes.
“He’s never been married before and doesn’t have any kids. He’s 30.” Wonderful. You really made me excited about how women think about single guys in their 30’s who’ve never been married with no kids. Thanks for the support. Ha ha…kidding. Sort of.
You can’t prejudge him based on that. Not everyone who’s never been married or hasn’t had kids yet doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of it. Maybe we…uhhhh…some of them are just looking for the right one. There could be a myriad of reasons he’s single and 30 with no kids. I wouldn’t hold that against him.
You haven’t stated anything in your email that made me think you should bail, unless there’s something you didn’t tell me. Relationships aren’t easy. This one seems to be going well right now, so ride it out and see what happens. Can’t hurt.
There is a girl that I met through work. One day, I texted her, along with other co-workers (they give us a call list to use so that we can have others cover our shifts) and asked if she could take my shift. Now, I wasn’t 100% sure it was her, but at the time I didn’t care as I really wanted someone to take my shift. However, she replied two days later and said she couldn’t take my shift. Now, here is where it gets interesting…
That day, I ACCIDENTALLY texted her something along the lines of “I hope your morning is going well”; I meant that to another girl. In fact, I was going to apologize and tell her that I didn’t mean it for her. But I just said, “whatever”, and let it be. So, she texts back and tells me how her morning went and so on and so forth, and then we get into who we are. Anyway…
She remembered me and we began a series of long text messages back and fourth, just getting to know each other more. Now, I want to note that she has a pattern of sometimes going a couple days without replying. Furthermore, we finally hung out (this was after over a month of texting each other) last Saturday. We met up at an ice cream shop right before her shift that afternoon and spent maybe 20 minutes chatting. It was nice; we laughed and got to know a bit more about each other. But here are the few points that leave me in “doubt” in regards to her interest level…
1. When I attempted to take the tab for our ice cream, she literally went out of her way to pay for it; she even requested to the cashier to make our orders separate (after I already told the cashier our order was together).
2. I caught her looking around during the initial few minutes of our hangout. It stopped once we got to talking, but I’ve always known that to be a bad sign (that she’s not interested in what I am saying). So just something to note.
3. On the trip from our cars, all the way back to them, she walked ahead of me. This is something that I would generally consider as a way of her keeping distance. However, I did get a hug at the end.
4. In the last text I sent her following the date, I told her I had a great time and commented on my observation of her one dimple that I didn’t notice before: “for the record, I think it’s cute that you only have ONE dimple .” She replied later that night with “I wish I could say the same jk ” she also said ” and you didn’t come into work today! ”
The comment about work was because as we were getting into our cars she told me I should come in (we work at a retail store). I told her that I might come in to get my bro something. But as you know, I didn’t. This is because I kinda took that as a “sh*t test” and I wasn’t about to drive ALL the way back out that way (unless I was going to take my bro shopping that day, which I contemplated) just for a few more minutes of face time. Anyway…
I replied by telling her that I was “stumped” with reading and subsequently asked her how work went. Which brings me to Monday; she finally replied to me and apologize for the late text, along with the usual “things got crazy” followed by asking how my reading went. Keep in mind, this was two days after our first hangout “date”. Now, I was and still might be getting to like her. But the days to reply thing (this actually peaked in the days leading up to our ice cream date) is killing the momentum for me. And unlike the “me” of a year ago, I wouldn’t regret ceasing communication with her as this is a peeve of mine. And I’ve seen the LJBF/not really interested thing before and I favor just “getting out” before allowing the inevitable to come into fruition.
What do you think? Is she just “not that into me”? Should I just let her go?
Comment: Sorry dude, she ain’t into you. I’d let it go. Who the hell splits the bill at an ice cream shop? What a turn off. Ugh. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.’
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