Dr. Reality Steve
Hellooo Steve! (btw is your real name Stephan?)
Anyway, I have got a situation and I just want someone other than my mates to tell me I am delusional, because I know I am…but, I still have hope. I mean what else can one have? I am in my second year at Uni and I am completely mad for this guy….the only thing is he is engaged… But, let me start from the beginning…
We met one night at this fancy dress party my girlfriend was throwing for her 21st. He was there because he was seeing a girl my friend knew. Anyway, loonnng story short, we end up being the only ones up whilst everyone else had passed out pissed as hell. We talked all night and it was just electric.. He would touch me and I would feel electricity shooting up me. I never believed in love at first sight but that moment changed everything for me.
When he goes to leave in the morning after talking for five hours he grabs my face and looks like he will kiss me but he doesn’t, he just stares at me sadly and walks away…I knew I was already in love with him before he set foot out of the door.
So thanks to Facebook we become freinds and begin to banter back and forth. We end up talking all the time on Skype, texting, emailing, on the phone- anything you name it. The thing he lives in ******** for work, and thats a good six hours from me… so we never met up. But somehow, we start building this relationship…I considered him a really good friend. I knew he had ended it with the girl he was with at the party because of me. It also turned out that he was engaged….and has been for several years. That didnt stop me from talking to him, because thats all we were doing….
Well, then one day things get messy. Its been getting closer and closer to his wedding date, and I cant stand it anymore. So, I asked him why he talked to me in the first place? He knew I had developed feelings for him. He knew we couldnt meet up, and that I knew he was engaged. Well, then he goes, there is just something about you. I cannot talk to anyone like this for days on end. When we met, there was something there. You know it. If I was with you now, I can promise you we would be getting married tomorrow. I feel like we are star crossed. I know we could be soul mates, but I dont know how this would work…. and then he stopped there and I hung up.
That through me for a loop. I was like stop playing games with me! This is quite unnecessary, but the truth was I was falling deeply for him. About four months ago, I had to stop it because I knew he would never stop the engagement and I was getting in deeper feelings for him. So, I deleted and blocked him from everything. He ends up calling me from a work phone and asks me why I did that. I told him, I couldnt do this…not as long as he was “promised” to another. He explained that he had never felt this way about anyone (me) and that maybe we should see if we had the chemistry we thought we did in the first place- because when it came down to it, we had barely even touched. We had only met once. He proposed we meet up. he told me he was having second thoughts about the fiance. I was thinking my Gosh, this is it. This man is the one for me.
So, we planned a date and meeting place. I left that weekend with my pulse racing. We were supposed to meet in _____. I got to the station before him, and waited outside. Then as his train pulled in, I saw him get off of it. He was wearing this blue coloured shirt that I knew would bring out his eyes once we were face to face. I was frozen because he was exactly what I wanted. and then I did something SO stupid. I ran away. I couldnt do it. I couldnt put a poor girl through the trouble of breaking her engagement. I just couldnt. He called me and I told as such. He said…. he could not guarantee that he would break up with her should we not meet. He needed something more substantial even though he loved me. Hes much older than me at 29 and he wants a family now. I dont want that now, but with the fiance he can have that now. He does not want to wait much longer.
He then said, I do not want shag you or even snog you , I just want to know if what we have is real. I said I couldnt and he said I love you. I said I love you too and I hung up.
Its been a long time since then. We have not talked. I feel mad for him. I cry all the time. I feel like we broke up even though we were nothing. I feel like I am losing my soul mate if thats even possible. I cant possibly love another. I know I will but right now it just hurts so much. His getting married in two weeks. What do I do? Do I go stop the wedding? I know I shouldnt but… what if this is it? What if he is the love of my life? Was he just playing me ? Was I just a game? Why would he do that?
Is it normal for a man to say he loves a girl when he doesnt? Is it normal for a man to say we ‘could be soul mates”? I mean what does that even mean?!
So, Steve am I being completely irrational? Do you think there is such a thing as soul mate or love at first sight? I just cannot stop thinking of him. Do you think he is my soul mate? I feel he is, but is it worth ruining someone elses life over it? I dont know what to do and feeling so desperate as to ask a complete stranger in America what to do. As I alluded in my first paragraph, my freinds think its bad idea and that I need to get over it- especially considering he was cheating on her in the first place with the girl he ‘broke up” with because of me. I know this, but I dont care. I just know he is something to me that I may never find again in this lifetime.
Lost, Lovely and Lonely at Uni
Comment: Is this a plot to a Nicholas Sparks book or something? Even the way she worded it was so over-the-top dramatic, I don’t know whether to help this person or laugh. “Mates,” “Uni,” “whilst,” “electricity shooting up me,” “grabs my face, stares at me sadly and walks away,” “shag,” “snog?” Sorry, but this one is too funny to take seriously.
However, Dr. Reality Steve must give all people advice so here it goes: Stop being so overly dramatic about an engaged guy you met one time and move on. Do you really want a guy who’s engaged to someone else who’s telling you he’d marry you tomorrow if you’re together? Let it go.
This is not a romance question but I’d love an objective opinion.
I live and work overseas. Last week, I went to the phone store with a friend and coworker (the only friend I’ve made here in two months) and put credit on my phone, but the person at the store made some mistake and the credit didn’t go through. So yesterday the friend’s husband (a local) gave me a ride there and agreed to be a translator so we could figure out what went wrong and fix the problem. The woman remembered me coming in and found the record log of me buying the credit. The way it works here is they write your number down on paper along with the amount you’re adding. I explained that I never got the text verifying the deposit, but practically the first words out of her mouth were that I had gotten it. She was hostile immediately, insisting she’d done it. Then she checked and when she realized she hadn’t, she started blaming the handwriting, saying she thought the 6 was a 4, and said she must have put my money onto someone else’s phone. Then she tried to claim that I wrote the number myself, which was obviously a lie since all the numbers for the entire day on that record were in the same handwriting — hers. Finally she flat out refused to either refund my money or give me any credit.
I went behind the counter, slapped her across the face and took money out of the drawer. I showed it to her before I left, proving that it was the precise amount I was owed and not a penny more. She didn’t stop me, but my friend’s husband was furious. He refused to give me a ride back home and drove off, leaving me to a long walk home in the rain. On the way, I passed another store from the same company and gave them the money I had just taken, and got credit added to my phone with no problem. Then I texted my friend multiple times to apologize for involving them in the first place, and even tried to call her but she didn’t answer. When I finally got home I emailed her to say again that I was really sorry for getting them involved, had no intention of the scene becoming so ugly due to my temper, and how sorry I was for causing them trouble and pissing off her husband. She emailed me back a couple of hours later and said she considered my actions stealing and didn’t want to stand by as my friend anymore.
What do you think? I admit my reaction was over the top. I have a bad temper. I shouldn’t have hit the bitch. But I reject the idea that I stole anything. She admitted to making the mistake then refused to give me my money back or the credit I paid for — and when I took my money back, I almost immediately gave it all back to the company anyway. I can understand her not wanting to be friends with me, though I’d like to change her mind about that if I can. If you have any advice for how I could make it up to her or her husband, I’d welcome it. I see her at work every day so I think I can gradually win her back, but I only see her husband when we get together socially and I’m afraid he won’t be willing to do that anymore. If you were a guy in that situation, what would you need to hear from me or see from me to help you get over it and go back to being social? I don’t need to be his best friend, but I’d like to keep hanging out with them and I’d rather not lose their friendship over something I consider so trivial. I’d also welcome a third opinion on whether what I did really counts as stealing, or not. In my view, I simply took what was mine, fair and square. If the company lost money because of her mistake and her inability to read her own handwriting, that’s hardly my fault. But I accept full responsibility for anything that happens as a result.
Comment: The foreigners love me this week.
Ummmm, you couldn’t have handled that any worse if you tried. You slapped a civilian in their workplace then stole money from the register. You’re lucky you weren’t thrown in jail. Unless whatever country you’re in encourages that sort of stuff. Yes, you were wronged and should’ve either been given your money back or had your phone credited, but, yeah, your temper sucks. Doesn’t give you a right to slap someone and steal money last time I checked.
You’ve apologized and they don’t seem to have accepted it. The more you keep trying, the more annoying you become to them. If she wants you back in your life, she’ll come to you. But I’ve never heard of anyone acting like that over some phone credit. Your behavior was uncalled for for something so meaningless. Ask to talk to a store manager, get on the phone with corporate, refuse to leave until the situation is handled. Whatever. Don’t just slap an employee at their job and steal money and walk away. That’s just bizarre and incredibly rude.
So I’ve been with this guy for 2+ years now. It was 1 year of courting/flirting and 2 years of a serious relationship. I have my career in order, done with college, good job but he doesn’t have anything figured out. He’s not educated (as in on and off community college), he’s 28 and I’m 24 and the job he works at now doesn’t pay well or is going to lead him anywhere. I’m not really sure what the future holds for us, I know we love each other and he wants to marry me but I don’t think he’s financially capable of taking care of me. It doesn’t bother me but I know that it bothers him cause even though I make more money he always insists on paying for everything when we go out or buying me things I hint at needing or wanting even though its beyond his means with rent and bills to pay.
I’m not sure what to do at this point, our sexual chemistry is great, we can’t be away from each other for long and the honeymoon stage has never left I feel like I could be with him for the rest of my life. We’ve done the meet the parents, family and friends, and share the same values.
Friends and family can be nasty and they tell me I’m too good for him and its been slowly polluting our relationship. It’s made him try harder and its made me think I need to compromise in some way when before I don’t think I’ve had any high expectations. I’ve met people interested in me who were more financially stable and successful, educated but I’m simply not attracted to them. I’ve tried dating others before we entered a serious relationship but sexually they just couldn’t do it for me.
There doesn’t seem to be much going for him as he’s not amazingly attractive but I really like the way he treats me, respects me and tries to take care of me. Could this relationship be the one for me? Should I care about a college education, career, and financial assets or should I try to get away from the friends and family that are convincing me to break up with him?
Comment: Should you care about a college education, career and financial assets? That’s a personal preference. If you don’t, you’re probably in the 1% of women in this country who don’t. Well, at least the career and financial assets part. So I commend you for that.
It’s simple, if you don’t think making more than him and being the financial supporter will ever be an issue in your relationship, then who am I to say what’s right for you. By what you described, it seems you like everything else about the guy outside of those three things. If that’s his situation, then yeah, obviously there are men out there who are 1) better looking, 2) having a college education 3) have a career and are 4) financially secure. But if you don’t want them, it shouldn’t matter.
I’m sure friends and family are just looking out for you, but if you’re happy, then I guess screw them. Is it the most ideal situation with a potential spouse? Probably not. But if you have no problem with it, and you can convince HIM not to have a problem with you being the breadwinner, then I don’t see what’s wrong.
I have two short questions about men:
1. If a guy is interested in you, he will approach you, right? If he didn’t do so, it only means he’s not really that into you?
2. Does the answer to 1 changes if he knows you’re taken ?
I will greatly appreciate your answer.
Comment: 1. Yes. Usually, but there could be circumstances where that’s not necessarily the case.
2. Ummmm, no. Plenty of guys have zero regard for whether you’re taken or not. Just ask pretty much any guy from the Bachelor franchise.
First of all, I am a fan of your blog and the show. I love that you are somewhat harsh on the critics of your blog. First little thought is Emily Maynard is a fame whore… ya think? I feel like Jef moved to Charlotte and even Brad was ready to make a life with her and she just pushes these guys away. Sad for Ricki. But my question for you, as a single mom, when should I tell “potentials” that I have a 3 year old? I have been single for about 1.5 years and recently trying to date again. My daughter goes to her father’s every other weekend now, so I have some time to have a social life and get back in the dating scene. Love my daughter and she is #1 priority, but I dont know if it is better to wait a few dates or broadcast it from the beginning? Just kinda awkward when approached from a guy, say in a bar, ” Hi, Im ______ and I have a 3 year old.” And I just ruined his buzz.
Comment: Well obviously it’s not your first thing out of your mouth when meeting a guy, but I certainly wouldn’t wait to drop it on him if you’ve been talking for a month or so. I mean, I would think just over the course of normal conversation within the first week it’d be tough to keep that from any guy, wouldn’t it? Do you say it in the first conversation? No, unless he directly asks if you’ve been married or have any kids. Then don’t lie. But something that’s that big of a part of your life, I’d say you kinda need to let him know about rather early. If he runs the other way, then obviously he wasn’t for you. No need to keep something like that secret. It’s a huge part of your life, so, it needs to get out there sooner rather than later.
Okay. So I could really use a guy’s perspective on this. I’m 24 and have never had a boyfriend. I am beyond not religious, or have any other moral type reasons for not dating. Apparently having a serious boyfriend just hasn’t happened. But it’s getting to the point where it doesn’t seem like it is going to happen.
I am in the Masters program at DePaul university in Chicago so I meet a lot of people and have plenty of guy friends but every time I like a guy it seems like he just doesn’t “like me back”. I’m far from shy and I put myself out there a lot. Also, (and I am seriously not trying to toot my own horn here), I am definitely an attractive girl. All of my friends both guys and girls say “they don’t understand it either”. Eh, whatever. It’s been like this since high school. Hell, I was voted Prom Queen for gods sake. I just could never shake the rut I guess.
So my question is- as a guy, obviously, is there a reason why you wouldn’t go after a girl who is smart and attractive? Knowing you, you may laugh at this and think I’m crazy but I would just like a different guy’s perspective on why some girls just seem to be a guy repellent. Hanging out with my guy friends I definitely drink beer and joke a round a lot and can be very sarcastic when I’m “flirting” with guys so I’m starting to think that may be a turn off for guys?
Comment: It does seem kind of odd you’re 24 years old, say you’re an attractive woman, and have never had a boyfriend. But not knowing anything about who you are and how you act around the guys, it’s impossible for me to say exactly why you’ve never had one. I think plenty of guys want girls who are smart and attractive. Not sure why it hasn’t happened for you.
I mean, you say you have plenty of guy friends, right? Have you slept with them? Maybe they aren’t seeing you as a challenge? Do they flirt with you? Do you flirt back? Have you ever at least dated any of them? What’s been the reason the dating hasn’t continued longer? Without knowing these answers, it’s kinda hard to help.
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