Dr. Reality Steve
I just want to start off by telling you that your column just overwhelms me with joy.
Now comes the story…
Last week my boyfriend if two weeks proposed to me! I was overwhelmed with surprise! I never saw it coming..
I have never been engaged before so this is a very new experience for me. So everything seems perfect, right? Or so you thought..
He hasn’t talked to me in two days and it makes no sense at all. I’m just overwhelmed with confusion.. Does he not love me anymore? Does he not want to be engaged to me? This is just all so overwhelming.. I just don’t understand what’s going on..
Thank you for listening.
Comment: I just found this email impossible to believe, so, no need to respond to it. But just wanted to let you all see the kinda stuff I get. Fun, isn’t it?
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I’ve created an email account especially to get your advice, so I hope you will respond. My profession is a bit public, and I am hesitant to take any risks that might reveal my identity. So I will trust you to keep things private! I am not anyone famous, just under a lot of online scrutiny from people in my line of work.
I have a ton of questions, and I will probably email you again in regards to other questions.
In a nutshell, I am a 30-something professional who has been in many relationships, but none have turned into anything permanent. I have recently relocated to a TINY little town for my job, and I met someone who seemed to be interested in me. On a retreat a while ago, we ended up spending some quality romantic time together (no hooking up) and he asked me a million questions about myself, trying to get to know me. He was very flirtatious. He expressed his attraction to me several times. We are very different, and have some serious differences, such as the fact that he doesn’t drink, and I do. After that, we have maintained a professional relationship, at he sometimes is very sweet towards me, and other times very cold. I don’t know what to make of it. Despite the fact that I would like I really like him and would like to pursue things, I am maintaining my distance and being professional. Is this the best way to proceed? Is there a chance to make something happen, or is it best to give up? He is the only attractive single man that I know here, so that is part of it. But at the same time, I think of him often, I think he is great, and would like to at least be friends with him.
I am also in touch with a number of ex-boyfriends, who are my friends. One of them seems to want to get serious with me, but I am hesitant because we had some serious issues as a couple. Another is very friendly, but not ready for a relationship, and probably would be looking for someone different than me anyway. I will not get into the rest of the details of them.
I am wondering what you think. I am getting older, and would like to pursue something serious. My line of work has led me to live in a place where there are not many prospects. It is hard for me to let go of my feelings for this one guy in my office, who is wonderful. But if he is not interested, I don’t want to make things weirder than they are already. If you have any advice on how to get over him, that would be great! And, what do I do now?
Comment: With the guy at work, I guess you need to spend more time with him to determine if those “serious differences” are actual deal breakers. If they are, then you’ve got the answer to your question. If not, then pursue it.
Keep in mind with any ex-boyfriends you’re thinking of getting back with. There’s a reason you broke up with them. While it all may seem great in the beginning of getting back together, just know those problems didn’t magically disappear while you were broken up. They’re still there, they just haven’t come to the forefront yet.
Love your site and your spoilers/columns! I always get very excited when I see new tweets from you on twitter too!
I have a quick general Dr. Steve question: I’ve always wondered, if I just meet a single guy at a party and we start talking and we hit it off and I casually mention through normal conversation that I have a boyfriend, will the guy stop trying to get to know me?
For example, there’s a guy in a class of mine that I’ve been getting to know and I’m worried that if I mention having a boyfriend that he won’t care to maintain/develop our friendship anymore. I feel like as a woman with a boyfriend I’m auto-friendzoning every new guy I meet, and that discourages them from wanting to talk to me further. Of course I don’t think this makes them jerks, just normal guys who realize their next relationship won’t start with ‘me’. What do you think?
Comment: All depends on the guy you’re dealing with. If you mention to a guy you’re talking to that you have a boyfriend, and then he completely cuts off all communication from you, then you know all he cared about was getting in your pants. So you shouldn’t care if he ditches you anyway since he wasn’t all that interested in anything more than a hookup.
Is there a reason you’re actively going out looking for guy friends? Do you WANT someone else on the side? Or want to have somebody lined up in case things don’t work out with your boyfriend?
I am a fairly normal 34 year old woman. On paper I have it all – great career, good looking husband, good financial situation, etc. I cheated on my husband last night for the 2nd time. The first time was while we were engaged, 2 different guys with no real feelings involved, just great chemistry. I can’t figure out why I keep doing this. We have been married just over a month. I love him a lot, but the sexual part isnt there for me. I need things to be new and exciting.
For the record I cheated on, and eventually divorced, my first husband. I have never had a long term monogamous relationship, but I would like to have children. In spite of everything I have just told you, I am actually a decent person and think I would be a great mom. The cheating thing is really my only big flaw. Is it possible some people aren’t meant for monogamy? Or do you think I settled for the wrong guys and maybe I could change?
Comment: Your marriage is doomed. You’re a month in and already hate the sex and you cheated? What’s the point of being married to him then, or why did you even in the first place considering you also cheated when you were engaged? I’m assuming he doesn’t know about this, so you’ve already lied to him twice, and your marriage doesn’t seem like it’s got a solid foundation for anything good to happen. Have you told him the sexual part doesn’t work for you?
You’ve never had a long term monogamous relationship, yet you’ve decided to get married twice? May I ask why? You’re admitting you’re not good at it, and if your answer is, “Well, I just want kids,” then that’s a horrible reason to get married. You’ve got some issues you need to work through. I suggest a therapist because there’s gotta be some deep seeded issue as to why you cheat on every guy you’re with, including two husbands. Go talk to someone. You need it.
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