-Sean walks in to greet the ladies and exchange niceties. You know, thank them all for coming, excited about the journey, and to drink up and have fun and without a couple of them getting sloshed, the producers won’t have enough night one footage for the drama. Apparently Lindsay, Taryn, and Ashley P were the only ones listening as they had no problem warming up their esophagus’s with some Chardonnay. It’s always fun to look around the room right before the lead walks in to watch all the fake conversations happening between the girls. “Ooooohhh, I LOVE your dress.” Then when the girl walks away she’s telling someone else how ugly that girls dress was. Women are the best. They all hate each other yet pretend to like each other. Only a matter of time before they start backstabbing a talking junk about one another. But on night one? Everyone is like, totally, BFF’s forever and ever. However, to let some tension out of the room, Sean and the women agree to do a group scream on the count of three. Never been done before but that seemed to calm everyone’s nerves. Or at least the ones whose BAL’s weren’t .16 at the time.
-First girl we see Sean pull aside to talk to is Kacie. For a while there, I was still referring to her as Kacie B., but since she’s the only Kacie on this season, pointless to keep throwing her last initial in there. She’s Kacie. During their sit down, they both admit to having recently hung out before about a month earlier at the RealBeanz Scavenger Hunt event in New York. Hey look, he’s even standing next to her with his arm around her in this picture:
Well if he had his arm around her a month earlier at an event, then was at an event the very next night in Philadelphia as well, surely Kacie is the one for him, right? Uhhhh, no. But when I first announced Kacie was on the show back in September, you would’ve thought the Jemily fans had be reborn with how many people were wanting to marry these two already. Tap the brakes people. Just because YOU think two people from this show should be together means jack sh**. Wasn’t going to happen. Sometimes two people just don’t connect. Like these two.
-Desiree is up next and tells Sean she works at a bridal salon but can throw a football better than any woman in the house apparently because she learned from her brother. Why didn’t we see this? Anybody can talk the talk, lets see her walk the walk. These are the things I need to see. I really don’t have time for all the dilly dallying around now. If Desiree can chuck a football further than 5 yards, I wanna see it. Whatever the case, Sean seemed impressed by her all-talk-no-walk approach, so he gives her a rose right on the spot. Throughout the course of the night, he will end up giving out 12 “first impression” roses to whomever lies to him the best…errrr…impresses him with stories about their athletic feats. Or in Selma’s case, just her voluptuous bosoms. We don’t see his alone time with over half the women he gave first impression roses to so we have no idea what went through his mind. Brooke? Diana? Jackie? Who knows, and really, who cares?
-But once Sean gave Desiree her rose, it was on like donkey kong in the house. All these catty bitches trying to figure out what the hell was going on and who was getting roses. Catherine even described it as once they realized there was a second rose given out, girls started “mean mugging each other.” Translation: I’ll cut a bitch. As previously stated on my Twitter when I answered questions about episode 1, they definitely didn’t do Catherine any favors in terms of introducing her to America. I think she had two ITM’s outside of her limo exit, and that was it. Zero interaction with Sean that was shown. Obviously it was done on purpose since they know the spoiler is out there and they didn’t want to make their interaction obvious on the first night. Or maybe Catherine really didn’t spend much time with Sean that night and she was off in a corner writing her blog about the latest cool, hip vegan donut store in Seattle she found. Let me tell you something, if you ever catch me eating a vegan donut, I give you permission to shoot me.
-Time for some of the women to turn their attention to Tierra, who was the only one to receive her rose right out of the limo. This didn’t sit well with AshLee. At all. AshLee wants Tierra to slow her roll and stop being so excited about getting the first rose because, well, it wasn’t REALLY the first rose. Or something like that. AshLee: “I mean, you’re stunning but…it’s definitely not the first impression rose, just the first rose.” I love how she prefaced her insult with, “You’re stunning but…” which was basically a set up to Tierra of “I’m about to hate on you, but I’ll throw in some phoniness beforehand to soften the blow.” I have no idea what the point of that passive aggressive approach was to Tierra until I realized, “Oh yeah, I forgot. Women hate women. And AshLee is obviously insanely jealous.” And didn’t we see in a promo recently of these two later on this season arguing and Tierra gets up and walks off? Rawwwrrrrrr. AshLee vs. Tierra, Round 1 winner: Tierra. Sorry AshLee, but any way you spin it, Tierra made a bigger impression out of the limo than any of the other 25 of you, even though I don’t really understand what she did. Even if Sean was just randomly told to give it to someone and the rose really didn’t have much meaning, she still got it first no matter how your warped mind tries to spin it. Now go organize my closet. Dress shoes closest to the door, athletic shoes in the back, and make sure my long sleeve dress shirts are in the front, dammit!
-Lindsay is excited but nervous to talk to Sean because, according to her, “Honestly, I wish I was more sober.” Awesome. This is gonna go well. Nothing better than making a first impression when you’re three sheets to the wind. And lets face it, from her droopy eyelids to her somewhat slurred speech, to her arms draped around the back of Sean’s neck and holding on for dear life so she wouldn’t fall down, Lindsay was pretty hammered. Lindsay: “Gimmie a kiss. I swear I’m not contagious.” You may not be contagious Lindsay, but I’m guessing your breath reeks of gasoline fuel right now with how bombed you are. I will say this for Lindsay though, her drunken state was much more tolerable and endearing than say, oh I don’t know, 50 Shades of Plastered girl over there booty shakin’ all over the house. I think it’s quite obvious that Lindsay is going to be a fan favorite all season and without a doubt, is going to be your next “Bachelorette” when it’s all said and done. I mean, it’s not like I’m really going out on a limb here considering she’s the girl who gets dumped at the altar, but her storyline couldn’t be any more of a perfect set up for them if they tried. She probably just needs to lay off the sauce next season or 25 guys might think they’re signing up to date Lindsay Lohan and not Lindsay Yenter.
-If 50 Shades of Belligerent hadn’t already caught everyone’s eye, she certainly has by this point. When Sean is talking to Paige, 50 Shades of Whorey wants to cut in, but Paige asks for just an extra minute. So being in all her 50 Shades of Skank mode, she decides to just trail off into the distance where Sean can still see her and continue her hideous dance moves. All while bending over, slapping her butt, and making a complete spectacle of herself while everyone else looks on and says to themselves, “Whew. Glad I wasn’t the one who gave in to producer’s suggestions this season.” And when she finally gets her time with Sean once Paige is done, 50 Shades of Slutbag does nothing to disappoint. Because something a guy always wants to hear on that first night, is a long drawn out story from some inebriated coed talking about how after Emily dumped him, she told her mom that’s the guy she’s gonna marry. And Mom started referring to Sean already as her son-in-law. That’s normal. Sweetie, if at any point during a first date the guy, even jokingly, throws out the phrase “rape whistle,” you should probably pack your bags. So mom, what do you think of your spawn now acting like a high school senior blitzed off her first Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill? I’m sure you must be proud. Lets hope you didn’t invite friends over for a watch party tonight. Or family. You know how your parents always tell you that they will love you no matter what, just don’t ever embarrass them? I think Ashley was at happy hour and missed the memo.
-So is Taryn just cold or drunk? Or both? She’s got that whole red nose/crying thing going on and already whining about not getting any time with Sean because “I don’t compete for guys.” Oh, so they usually just throw themselves at you and your giant stomach tattoo? I’m glad that Kelly the Cruise Line singer was there to comfort her, because I could just count the number of brain cells combined these two had left after all the frying their bleached blonde dye jobs did to them. Lets just say that wasn’t a meeting of the minds those two were having. I wish Kelly would’ve stuck around longer just so these two could end up BFF’s and maybe at some point come up with a cure for AIDS. Or even enlighten us with their thoughts on the fiscal cliff and who’s going to suffer the most. Taryn just seems like someone who goes to dive bars on the weekends and is making out with a new guy daily, so she’ll fit right in to this “family.” I half expect to see Kelly next Wednesday night during the audition rounds for “American Idol” again. And instead of doing a cover song, she should sing that little ditty she performed for Sean. Anytime you can rhyme something with “sweet tea” you know you’re going places.
-Sarah still hasn’t talked to Sean yet and says she feels a bit left out because according to her “sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve what everyone else deserves,” and “by having one arm, I sometimes feel it’s easier for a guy to date a girl with two arms,” and then caps off her thoughts by telling America sometimes “I think I’m single because I have one arm.” Well, if that didn’t make everyone watching show get behind her, then nothing will. ABC certainly didn’t hold back this season casting minorities and people with disabilities, etc. I can only imagine what’s coming next season: trannys. Seems like that would complete the cycle. Of course, we have no idea if Lindsay is in to that sort of thing, but hey, at least ABC will score points with the transgender people of America. I think it was very brave of someone like Sarah to partake in a show like this, but I’ll be honest, it’s obvious to me that she’s going to get completely overwhelmed by all this. She should have no problem finding a dude after her appearance this season, and I’m sure that’s part of the reason she went on in the first place, but on a show where they basically love to exploit women and make them look bad, I’m not sure why Sarah even chose to be a part of this garbage. Oh well. Her decision not mine. Good luck.
-Rose ceremony time, and thank God it won’t take nearly as long with only 7 roses to give out. Tierra, Desiree, AshLee, Selma, Robyn, Brooke, Katie, Catherine, Jackie, Leslie H., Diana, and Sarah all safe with roses. Sean, the floor is yours. “Thank you all for your patience…not easy waiting all night…few moments made a lasting impression…love to find my wife…unfortunately gonna have to make some tough decisions along the way…you know, like, do I choose who I think will never eat a carb again for the rest of her life, or just go with the vegan chick. Tough call.”
Amanda: Did her lipstick get brighter by the rose ceremony?
Lesley M: Intentionally getting an ass shot from a guy will always score you points.
Kacie: Jenna Burke was probably sitting at home with smoke coming out of her ears.
Kristy: I didn’t check her Twitter last night. Any news? Did she f-bomb the show at all? Or is she still telling us how we can lose weight by drinking a shake a day?
Daniella: Probably the first and last time a high five introduction will ever get anybody a rose again.
Taryn: Go powder your nose, woman. You look like Rudolph. And no, not with that powder.
“Ladies, Sean, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’ll be around the corner here tweeting Justin Bieber’s mom because I have a little kiddie crush on her. It’s really cute. I retweet things she says now to let everyone know that I’m friends with her and met her when I took my daughters to see Justin’s concert. I’m kind of a big deal now.” No, you’re still a douche.
Lindsay: Can’t say much suspense here, but easily my favorite girl this season already. Definitely a “Bachelorette” season I might actually look forward to seeing.
So Paige has now been on “Bachelor Pad” and the “Bachelor” and has yet to receive one rose. First night dumpee both times. You know what I say? I think they should continue to cast her every single season until she finally gets a rose, but the running joke would be that she never gets one. Just keep bringing her on and promise her one, then have her go home the first night. That could be a reality show in and of itself.
Kelly is crying while orange goo runs down her face saying “Who wants to date the crazy girl who sings a song for Sean then gets kicked off the first week?” Actually Kelly, you are factually incorrect. You didn’t get kicked off the first week. You got kicked off the first night. Getting kicked off the first week would mean you actually made it through the first rose ceremony but got eliminated at the next one. You weren’t able to manage that. It’s ok. Carnival Cruises is excited to bring you back aboard so you can sing for a bunch of senior citizens while they play shuffleboard. Good luck.
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