These are your latest inquiries to “Dr. Reality Steve.” The first couple were from December, so I apologize for not getting to those sooner. But knowing that “Dr. Reality Steve” will be in session every Thursday for the remainder of the season, get your questions in early and often. And dammit, where did all the teenie boppers go?
I just found out through mutual friends that the girl my ex ended up dumping me for is having a kid with the guy she was with when my ex was with me. This means my ex is an alleged free man and tho we haven’t spoken since the summer, I am dying to send him an email since the feelings are still there but would it be a good idea not knowing if the feelings are still there or if he’s with another girl?
Comment: I had to re-read this one about ten times to figure out who was who and what was being said. And I’m still a bit confused. So this person who’s emailing me, they have an ex-bf, who dumped them for another girl. The girl that her ex-bf is with is having a kid with the guy she was with before she got with this girl’s ex? Does that sound right?
Whatever the case, since she you didn’t go into detail about your relationship with your ex, I’ll just ask you one question: Why do you want to get back with your ex who dumped you for another girl? Regardless of his situation now, he dumped you to move on to someone else. Obviously there were reasons behind it, and I’m guessing none of them were because you were the most perfect, awesome, caring, loving girlfriend anyone’s ever had. So why do you even want to be with him? There’s nobody else out there that you have to run back to someone who dumped you for someone else? Don’t waste your time. Ain’t gonna work out.
Okay, so here’s the story.
I had been with this guy for about a year. Everything was going really well for a while until we started having little disagreements a couple of months ago. I had been burned badly in my last relationship and I think I let if affect me in this one. I questioned how much he cared about me on a few occasions, and it really made him upset. He got frustrated because he felt like he continued to show and tell me how much he loved me in so many ways yet I still would question.
In the meantime, we were still planning our life together. He would talk about moving in, getting engaged and getting married. We’d even spoke seriously about kids’ names. When we first started talking about marriage and the future, he thought we should wait a few years. We’re both just 25 and starting out in our careers. I was fine with that. Then, a few weeks later he had talked about maybe getting engaged as early as May. I was a little surprised at the change in timeline but we’re in love and relatively happy so I went with it.
I didn’t think the little arguments were that big of a deal because we would talk about them and move on. Every couple argues. However, I guess he was still not quite over the disagreements and letting it start to build up within him. I also guess it makes sense that I kept letting my insecurities creep up and we’d have the same disagreements on multiple occasions.
This all built up to about 1.5 weeks ago. I made a comment that made him think I was questioning his love for me again, and he completely snapped. He got so angry and hurt and said he couldn’t talk to me anymore and that he wanted to be left alone. I was hurt and confused but didn’t contact him for 4 days to give him time to cool off. I called him 4 days later and he was basically still just as angry as before. On Friday, he came over to my place and we had a discussion that boiled down to it’s not working right now. He said he was very confused about everything because he was so sure of where our lives were going but now he doesn’t know what he wants. He is so upset, etc.
Since then, we’ve talked every day but he says that he needs space. He says that he thinks we’re not good together right now but he doesn’t want to close the door on anything in the future yet he blocked me from Facebook. He says he did it because he got so upset when he saw I changed my profile picture from one of us to one by myself and that I changed my relationship status. He also says that he thinks we can’t go forward to the next stage in our relationship until we take a step back, that we can’t go anywhere if we keep having the same disagreements.
The thing is…I totally understand. He’s right. At the same time, I’m not sure why but seeing how upset he got about the whole thing made me really see how much he does care and does love me. I don’t doubt those feelings anymore, so I just want to make things right. We were so good together aside from that one issue, and I think the issue can really be resolved. I do also understand that he needs his space right now to get over being upset and to kind of start over.
In our last conversation, he said that he just needs a few weeks of space. He said that we should wait until after the holidays are over and that stress has been dealt with and reconvene then. He says we will still talk and hang out and be friends and that he still cares about me. I asked if he meant that we will be friends and that’s it, that there’s no hope of getting back together. He quickly interrupted me and said no, that’s not what he meant, that we’ll take the time apart to grow as individuals and then see from there. He said that we’ll “figure it out” and “make it work.”
My big question to you is this…Am I being delusional for thinking there’s hope that we’ll get back together? Do you think he’s just stringing me along or do you think he really just does need some time and space to get over my hurting him and see where to go from there? Any suggestions as to what I should do?
I hate that I hurt someone I love so much and that it’s taken basically losing him to realize how much he actually did/does care. I feel so dumb for ruining a potential life-long relationship.
Comment: Couple of issues here, and in case you couldn’t tell, this email was sent at the beginning of December, so I have no idea what happened with this situation. But you are dealing with a few things.
First, the whole “relationship status” on Facebook. Some people it bothers, some people it doesn’t. If it bothered him that you changed your picture and relationship status when he just said he needed some time, then maybe you shouldn’t have done that. Seemed a little early to jump the gun and do that and his reaction reflects that.
Second, any time the situation arises where you’re talking about marriage, kids, and a future together, and then within weeks because of an argument he’s talking about needing space, that could be a red flag. Either he’s getting cold feet, or he’s interested in someone else and wants to see if there’s something there. Seems awfully quick of him to go from one extreme to the other so quickly, so you have to keep an open mind that maybe he’s not telling you the full story.
Lastly, he said you guys will “take time apart to grow as individuals and see from there.” That doesn’t sound good to me. I understand the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing, but if things were going well outside of a few arguments why the quick need for such space? It’s after the holidays so maybe you guys are back together and everythings great again, but just keep this all in mind if he brings it up again during an argument.
Hi Dr Reality Steve! First off – love the blog and your spoilers make the seasons so much more fun to watch!
I’ve got a bit of an odd relationship with a friend of mine, who I kind of like, and would love a guys opinion on if you think he’s into me as well. I’ve known him for about 5 years and when we met through friends, he was home from military leave. He’s since left the military and came home for a few months before moving 3 hours away to finish his college education (he left after his 1st year of college to join the military). Basically our entire relationship I’ve known him only in spurts of seeing each other every few weeks/months. When we do see each other, most of the time he is very affectionate towards me – finding any way to stand/sit next to me when we’re out with friends, looking for me when I walk away (I’ve caught his eye a few times while out socializing with friends), holding my hand, rubbing my back. We’ve even spent a few nights cuddling together during trips and visits with friends. But he never tries to kiss me – we’ve only kissed once after one of the first times we met. I reciprocate all his small advances back, but just when I get the courage to think I’ll try to make a move the next time I see him, he acts more like we’re just good friends. Most recently, I saw him at a party a few days before Christmas and he was running his fingers through my hair, putting his arm around me, pulling my chair closer to his, holding my hand and really showing that he was interested. Again, he didn’t try to kiss me. So I decided that when I saw him in New Years Eve, I was going to be more aggressive on my end and really show him I’m interested in him and make a move. However, he showed up at my house with another girl who he never mentioned to anyone he was bringing. It completely deflated me. He hardly paid attention to her all night and even followed me around the house as I socialized at times. They shared a quick peck of a kiss at midnight and that was really it. It confused everyone – including my friends – and brought me back to square one as to why I never really make a move.
He’s since gone back to school so I won’t see him for a few months again. Based on his behavior, do you think he actually likes me and maybe is shy to make a move? Maybe it’s because he lives a few hours from me and doesn’t want to start something. He’s surely had plenty of opportunities to make a move on me if that’s all he wanted so I can’t help but think there’s something more going on in his head. I admit while I reciprocate most things, I could be more aggressive to show him I like him back. But at the same time, every time I think I’ll be aggressive, he gives me a reason to back off (ie his New Years Eve date or acting like he’s not interested the next time I see him). I know I should just let it go, and I’m still actively dating. I just wish I knew what his thoughts were bc for a few days after I see him each time, it’s all I think about. I’d love to get your opinion on this!
Comment: I’d let it go. Dude had plenty of times to make a move on you and he didn’t. He doesn’t seem all that interested no matter how many times he held your hand, stroked your hair, and rubbed your neck. Who knows? I’m curious to know what age you guys are because by his actions, that’s something you would do to someone you have an interest in, yet, he never even bothered to kiss you? Bizarre. Move on. Not worth your time. Continue dating and you’ll realize the guys that actually do like you will follow up their hair stroking, hand holding, and neck rubbing ways with something bigger. Like a tongue down your throat and pinning you up against a wall. So there. Tell this guy to grow a sack and worry about other men.
I’m getting to my wit’s end with one of my friends. She’s a hilariously awesome girl with a great career and is a lot of fun, but she has issues with guys. She tends to get really involved in relationships and falls head over heels at (what I think) are mixed signals. She’s been “seeing” this guy for a few months and I don’t know what to tell her anymore. They met through a mutual friend who the guy previously had a thing for (but they never officially dated). They started hanging out one on one as friends and of course, she developed feelings for him. He seemed like he was reciprocating, but then he’d pull back. He will say things that makes it sound like they have a future together, and they would go on a lot of “dates”, but then he’d disappear, or not text back, or just hold back in general. They slept together a few times and the behaviour still continued. He says he has a “list” of things he wants in a girl and she’s “the closest person yet to the list”… I think it’s strange behaviour and that he’s interested long run (this has been going on for almost a year now), but she’s really hung up on him. She insists that she’s okay with them being friends, but she’ll have a meltdown if he blows her off or get super excited if he says something that sounds “date-y”. I don’t know what to tell her anymore… They had one blowout where she made her feelings known and he didn’t reciprocate, yet now they’re back to these old habits. I’m not even sure it’s just about sex for this guy either… they haven’t slept together in a while and she’s been drunk and alone at his house and he told her to go home and not stay. I don’t know what to do as a friend. Should she tell him how she feels? What’s going on in this guy’s head?
Comment: Your friend seems to like the chase this guy is giving her and not much else. Nothing you wrote in that email makes it seem like this guy is all that serious about her, he knows he’s got her wrapped around his finger, and he’s using it to his advantage. What can you do as a friend? Not much, only because telling her the truth is something that she probably doesn’t want to hear. Let her fall on her face with this guy, which will happen eventually, and she’ll see her ways. Later on down the line you can share your feelings with her about what a king douchelicker this guy is and you guys can have a laugh about it.