-Time for the group date where 8 women will be going roller derby-ing. If that’s a word. And yes, they stuck the one armed girl on the roller derby group date. You know, because with balance being one of the biggest essentials in conquering roller derby, why not throw the girl on there who due to her physical limitations, admittedly says it’s very hard for her to balance. Yeah, and these producers give a rat’s ass about any of these contestants. Sure they don’t. In the limo ride over, Sarah announces to everyone, “This is my first group date.” Yes, we know. We’ve been watching the show. There’s only been two other episodes with dates. One of them you had a 1-on-1, and the other you didn’t get a date. We’re well aware this is your first. But hey, now that Amanda has chimed in with, “It’s my 3rd,” we all know where everyone stands heading into this train wreck waiting to happen. Ashley’s guys having Muay Thai matches against each other in Thailand thinks this is an awful idea. Never in a million years could anything possibly go wrong with 8 uncoordinated women (ok, maybe 7 since Amanda could at least skate) on roller skates trying to push each other down. Brilliant idea.
-So once the girls arrive to an abandoned garage, they see women competing in roller derby and realize that’s what they’re going to be doing. Of course, they all look extremely sexy while doing it in their little short shorts, fishnet stockings, cute little tank tops with glitter painted on their arms, then topped off with their “Spaceballs” helmets they were forced to wear. I’m sorry, I can’t find one woman who could possibly look sexy in one of those things. I even just did a Google image search of “Kate Upton helmet” to see if I could even disprove something I just said. Nothing. Nada. Those helmets looked ridiculous. As Farmer Ted once said: “Would you take those ridiculous things off!!!” The leader of this roller derby class informs the women, “Today we’re gonna teach you the ins and outs of the game,” and immediately I was quite intrigued as to how in the world they were going to transform 8 lovely looking women into lesbians. I mean, that’s the #1 prerequisite to be in a women’s roller derby league, right?
-And of course on cue, outside of Amanda, none of these girls can skate with any gracefulness. Robyn couldn’t even conduct an ITM standing in one place without falling on her ass. I mean, I don’t wanna brag or anything, but look at what Olivia and Nicholas can do when I take them roller skating, and they are 8 and 5 respectively:
Sarah knows this is going to be difficult for her overcoming this emotional hurdle of skating without face planting. She doesn’t do a very good job of it, but then again, can you blame her? I half expected the producers to throw some astroglide out on the track to embarrass her even more. I understand this was probably done so we could get the rah-rah speech from AshLee and then Sean coming over to tell Sarah, “Hey, don’t give up! You can do it! You’re a strong person!” But it just didn’t work. She still wasn’t very good after the fact either and probably won’t be for, oh I don’t know, the rest of her life. Although on the very first episode, Sarah implored us to not treat her any differently because she has one arm, yet, that’s all anyone did when they were roller skating.
-Amanda of course being the best skater by far is the one that ends up maiming herself by falling down and busting her jaw. Sean: “Amanda’s jaw hurts and she’s having a tough time opening her mouth.” Translation: Which means she’ll be about sexually appealing as Selma tonight, so that’s not a good thing. Then again, maybe Amanda actually fell down because she was stone cold blitzed. Chick seems to have issues laying off the bottle. Maybe she snuck a flask into the roller derby rink and started downing it before she put on the skates. So because Sean realizes that if the best skater could fall and crack her face open, probably don’t want to chance with the rest of these clowns who have the balance of an 12 month old taking his first steps. So instead, he has an ever better idea: Couples Skate!!!! Awesome. That’s more like it. I think somewhere in Princeton, NJ, JP & Ashley were secretly weeping over watching Sean couples skate to Journey’s “Foolish Heart” with every girl. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling,” but no doubt, the cheese factor was just as strong. And in case you were wondering, Sean skated on Sarah’s right side.
-The cocktail party held at the Roosevelt hotel was clearly time for Tierra to shine. I mean, nobody puts Tierra in a corner. And if you’re gonna talk to the other women around her, you BETTER address her as well, cuz bitch be crazy if you don’t. She hates the fact that she’s already been on three group dates. Whew. I’m glad she told us, because judging from her scowl, body language, and outright disgust for every other woman sitting around her, I never would’ve noticed she wasn’t thrilled to be there. But before we get to Tierra-ble and she was so aptly named, Amanda returns from her jaw injury to join everyone else and pull Sean away. Sean: “How’s your mouth feeling?” Amanda: “It hurts.” She admits she’s gonna milk this injury as much as she can, although, it leads to nowhere since Sean only gives her a quick peck on her jaw. Amanda ain’t having that. “I should’ve told him, ‘Actually, I had to have my tonsils removed…’” That’s more like it Amanda. Unfortunately, it’s too late in the game, and your breath probably reeks of vodka/Red Bulls at this point, so it’s best you just shut your trap and enjoy the little affection Sean gave you. He’s much more interested in swallowing other girls faces, you know, ones that he actually likes. Your sob story just isn’t gonna do it, sweetie. Sorry. Have another drink. Or ten.
-Speaking of women that Sean is interested in tonguing down, we see him enjoying his time with Lindsay’s tongue as they’ve become quite good friends. Sure, we don’t hear a word they actually say to each other, but that’s ok. Then out of nowhere, Lindsay somehow has brought her bikini and asks Sean to join her in the hot tub. But of course, just when things are about to get steamy, Mount Tierra begins to erupt. “I’m not gonna let another girl stop me from what I want out of this…” On and on and on she went about how Robyn dissed her, and she’s being tortured by everyone in the house, and she can’t take this anymore, and she wants to leave. Hey, be our guest. The door is that way. Please. Leave. Just don’t stop by and tell Sean your leaving because then he might get suckered into actually thinking you’re a normal human being who isn’t flying off the handle over nothing. She’s this season’s resident lunatic who can’t understand why when she signed up for a dating show with 25 other women on it, that she’d have to deal with Sean dating 25 other women. Imagine that?
-I mean, Mount Tierra is literally about to pop her top off, and that’s saying a lot. With circus hoop earrings, to her shiny lip gloss, to her practically screaming “I CAN’T BE TORTURED LIKE THIS,” she is literally setting the women’s race back a good 50 years. And you know it’s bad when your crying has resorted to a snort cry. Tierra is in full snort cry mode in the squatting position now and it’s not pretty. Of course, Sean is sitting there with a hook inside his mouth and Tierra is just reeling him in. “I really like this girl…I see something special in Tierra,” then tells her “I’m crazy about you…I wanna see where this goes…” Lets just say if you really are feeling it with her, I’ll tell you where it’ll go. Soon you will get to meet her best friend, Lucifer. Not sure you’re ready for that Sean. And you know how I say this is the same show every season? How is Tierra any different than a Courtney, or a Vienna, or a Bentley? Same thing every season. There’s always someone who acts different in front of the lead than they do with the rest of the group, the rest of the group complains about that person, but the lead keeps them around and stands by the, “Well, I didn’t see how they were acting around the others. I’m not seeing what you’re seeing on TV. They were always great around me.” Sean is already on the defensive about Tierra in every interview he does because he knows everyone watching at home is frantically screaming at their TV as to why she’s getting a rose, including his People.com blog today. Nothing we haven’t seen before and nothing we won’t see in every future season. Same ol’, same ol’.