“Reader Emails,” “Dr. Reality Steve,” and My Breakdown of the Bachelorette Guys’ Profiles

Hey, it’s only been 3 weeks since I last wrote a word. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Well, apparently if you’re a die hard fan of this show it is considering how many venomous emails I’ve gotten asking me where I’ve been and if I’m gonna have any spoilers this season. Huh? Have you checked the site in the last two months? More on that later. Anyway, yes it’s great to be back and we’re almost there. Only 12 days away from the premiere. The “Bachelor” blooper show airs this Tuesday the 21st. I’ll probably have a column some time next week with my thoughts on it, then starting on the 27th, back to recaps on Tuesdays, and at least 2-3 columns a week. Working on a couple different things now that I’m trying to finalize before the season, but should be fun.

Now to get to the question I’ve been beaten over the head with for the last 3 weeks which is, “When are you posting your spoilers?” The answer: Tomorrow. I will have your episode-by-episode spoilers posted tomorrow that covers all of Desiree’s season. Most of the spoilers I’ve already given you, but there’s a few that I haven’t, some minor details to fill in here and there, plus your final four breakdown. First time in the last 3 seasons covering the “Bachelorette” that I’ve had the episode-by-episode spoilers up this early. So look forward to that tomorrow.

People.com released a :30 second promo last week on Des’ season. Unfortunately I can’t embed it into the column, so you’ll have to click on the link to see it, but it shows the Brian/gf scandal. One thing to note about this video is the clip of Des saying “Are you guys here for the right reasons” then the next 10 seconds are showing the Brian/gf angle. However, the reason she actually says that line is because that is from the first group date of the season where 14 guys collaborate with Des and Soulja Boy to make a rap video. The song they make a video to is called “Right Reasons.” So there you go.

Also Yahoo! released a promo for the season set to a newly released single. First time they’ve ever done that. And Stefano Langone’s of all people? He must need the pub. Anyway, thanks to those who released it since it gives away quite a few spoilers. You’re the best. I love when other people do my work for me.

As I mentioned, tomorrow I’ll have all your episode-by-episode spoilers including more stuff that happens in episode 1. Here’s a few things to tease you with until tomorrow:

-6 first impression roses were given out, with 2 of them going to guys that go far in the show
-9 guys have intro videos, but only 2 of those 9 last past episode 4.
-For the second season in a row, a couple of the prominent guys on Des’ season barely get any airtime in episode one.
-Someone gets down on one knee out of the limo
-A couple of these guys have alcoholism in their family and it’s touched upon
-As is the case every season, there is the complete drunk on night one. At least I think he was.
-The limo exits were definitely shown out of order in which they actually took place, which happens every season
-Someone reads a poem out of the limo
-There is blurred out nudity in one of the intro videos
-I mentioned last column Robert goes home night one. That’s wrong. It’ll be corrected tomorrow.

I’ll fill in all these blanks tomorrow, but for now, lets get to the bios and headshots that were released on Monday. First time they’ve ever actually included excerpts from their written questionnaires they filled out during casting. Genius. Makes you wonder how the hell some of these guys got cast in the first place. Anyway, if you click on each guy’s name, it will bring you directly to their bio home page. Here are my thoughts on each guy’s profile. Enjoy…
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Ben

-He likes “Transformers” the movie. Now, is that because Brody plays with transformers, and he’s just grown to like them? Or does he actually think Shia LaBeouf is one of the greatest cinematic actors of our generation, and his on-screen romance with Megan Fox in the first two films can only be duplicated by Leo & Kate? These are things I need to know.

-When asked about his 3 least favorite things to do on a date, he responded with: “Go to a club” (agree), “talk politics” (definitely agree), and “drop off if the date didn’t go well.” Ummmm, huh? That didn’t answer the question. Then again, you go through all 25 of these questionnaires, you’ll see a lot of guys didn’t answer the question asked of them. Saying one of your least favorite things to do on a date is to “drop her off if the date didn’t go well” is basically saying that you’d rather not drop her off if the date didn’t go well. Semantics.

-Best answer: When asked what he loves on a date and he says she’s talkative, willing to make suggestions, smiles and laughs, then when asked what he hates about a date he says, “won’t do the things above.” Awesome. Well there you go.

-Second best answer: When asked if he could live in any other time period, he said “Jesus’ timespan.” So Ben wants to hang with Jesus and his boys. Ummmm, ok. Whatever floats your boat. I’m guessing there are about a 1,000 other different time periods most people would choose to live through, but hey, you wanna chill in your sandals and robe and watch your buddy get crucified, have at it. I’ll be hangin’ here in the 21st century with, oh I don’t know, running water? TV’s? Electricity?

-Very much an outdoorsman with hiking, fishing, camping, jet skiing, water skiing, horse back riding, and snow skiing all stuff he’s done for years. This is something that Desiree immediately liked about Ben, hence the reason he got one of the first impression roses.
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Brad

-He wants to have lunch with Mike Tyson of all people. Of anybody in the world, that’s the one he chose? Interesting.

-He thinks Will “Farrell” is the funniest man “a live.” That’s good. I personally think Steve Cerrell is funny yer than him. To each their own.

-He doesn’t have a favorite author because he can’t remember the last book he read. I guess MENSA doesn’t have a book of the month club, huh? Too bad.

-His ultimate date is on a beach with a private jazz band playing so they could enjoy the beach “while we drink champagne and enjoy each other.” Generic. Does he like long walks on the beach and reading poetry too? Oh wait, he doesn’t read. And Brad, could you please define “enjoy each other.” Inquiring minds want to know.

-Best answer: His longest relationship didn’t work because “I wanted to start a family and own a house, and she wanted to party and had no goals.” Hmmmm, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but could he possibly be talking about his baby mama Brittnee, the Twin Peaks waitress? Sure sounds like it.
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Brandon

-The most outrageous thing he’s done is “drive 170 mph in a lambo.” The fact that he used the word lambo says two things: 1) he’s a complete douche 2) he didn’t know how to spell Lamborghini.

-3 things to bring to a deserted island: Vitamins, water, Bear Grylls, Nutriants, Hydrate. Ok, that’s five not three, and last time I checked, “hydrate” wasn’t something tangible. Nutrients is with an “e.” Other than that, great answer.

-Says he was engaged for a year but “never found a venue, and never really made plans. It was never like we were actually going to do it.” You don’t say? Never would’ve been able to figure that one out. What a beautiful engagement you had. I’m sure she was thrilled.

-He drew three emoticons in his answers. Totally unacceptable.
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Brian

-Knowing what we know about Brian (that he went on the show with a girlfriend back home who shows up to bust him), his answers are truly laughable.

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
I hope to get an in-depth look in a larger-than-normal-life setting of the reality of the idea of love and connection. The idea of the integration of normal love and companionship into the various situations this show presents would be something I believe very worthwhile.

Huh? In English please. Who talks like that? Especially when you left your side piece at home and didn’t bother to tell her you were coming on a reality dating show. Very impressive.

What are your dealbreakers when it comes to relationships?
Main deal breaker is someone nonsecure & non-trusting with no basis to where I live on egg shells and I’m unable to live my life as well.

Ahhh, now it all makes sense. Stephanie was smothering him so he just needed space in the relationship and he figured the best way would be to not tell her where he was going, yet in a few months, she’d see him on national television courting someone else to be his wife. I totally get you now, Brian. You are a winner.

-What does being married mean to you? “Commitment and family.” Okkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. And? Can you elaborate a little please? You sound like a robot.

-What’s your biggest date fear? “Massive incompatable.” Wow. He is a man of many words, this Brian Jarosinski. And if you look at his Twitter account, he’s already gone on the defensive with some of his tweets.

-What’s your best date memory? “Bliss Happiness Feelings.” Yes, that was his answer. Is that even an answer?

-Longest relationship he’s been in was 3 years because they “just grew apart.” Translation: I cheated.
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Brooks

What do you do for a living, and how important is your career to you?
I feel that we get caught up in defining who we are by what we do. I am not so concerned with the perception of others. If my work becomes dull or boring but is prestigious, I’ll change it.

Way to completely dodge the question. What the hell kind of answer is that? Translation: I don’t really have a stable job, so lets not talk about it. Or, he’s a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.

-His handwriting is completely illegible. I don’t have a clue what he’s saying in half his answers.

-He loves it when his date “explores those initial emotions.” Then feels the need to throw in “what’s the point of going on the date if you don’t see something coming of it.” Translation: If I don’t get laid, why would I continue seeing her?
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Bryden

-His haircut in his head shot looks very Lloyd Christmas-y. The barber had to have used a bowl to get that perfect length all the way across his forehead. Cool look, dude.

-His answers look, and read, like a 5th graders. Do you consider yourself a romantic. “Sometimes I can be. I have a big heart.” Is your big heart red? Are you able to form more than 4 word sentences?

-His ideal made has “dark hair, nice teeth, good skin.” I’d say that’s about as low of standards as you can get. Really? Your ideal mate, the one that would fit you perfect, and that’s all you can come up with? Are they bred differently in Montana?

-His best date memory is “go carts and lazer tag.” Wow. Is it still too late for me to move to Montana? Sounds like I’m missing out in this metropolis of Dallas.
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Chris

Do you consider yourself romantic and why?
I think being romantic requires spontaneity and the ability to tell the girl how you feel about her at all times.

It’d be nice if you’d actually answered the question, Chris. Not hard.

-He doesn’t dislike anyone enough in this world to write about them. Well then. Sounds like I can cross Chris off the list to someday replace me on RealitySteve.com.

-Looks like he originally had written Chicago as the most romantic city in the US, then changed it to Seattle where he lives. How convenient.
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Dan

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
I really do hope for the chance to meet my future wife. I really don’t go out to meet people (I don’t do the club scene) and the older I get, the more I realize I don’t want to keep dating just for the sake of it. I have not given up faith in it, but have pretty much come to terms that I probably won’t meet my wife in Las Vegas. I see the show as an opportunity to hopefully meet a girl who I would have never had a chance to meet otherwise. I really am looking for a partner in life. I used to really enjoy traveling alone but it hit me pretty hard on my last trip and I promised myself it would be the last one I did by myself. I am a little older and a little more goal oriented than I was during my last relationship. I would love to meet the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with and am very open to finding that person and not letting them go.

Easy there, Hemingway. We didn’t need a dissertation for an answer. And what do you mean you won’t meet your wife in Las Vegas? Plenty of guys meet their wives in Las Vegas. It might cost them a few thousand bucks, but hey, there are plenty of wives for the taking in your city. Take advantage of it.

-Any guy that lists “Dumb and Dumber” as one of his favorite movies scores points with me. Dan and I need to have a cold one and recite Harry & Lloyd lines while in the champagne room at Crazy Horse 3. Uhhhhh…

-He grew up swimming “and have worn a speedo since I was 5.” Ummm, still? Like, every day you just walk around in a speedo because you used to swim? Ok, weird.

-He makes no bones about why he wants to do the show: To be the next “Bachelor.” Well Dan, I’m sorry but that gig will go to someone else next season. The next time they cast a lead who never made it to the traveling stages of their season will be never. Hope you enjoyed your time though. We have a t-shirt waiting for you on your way out the door. And a speedo.
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Diogo

-What does his ideal mate look like? “Girly.” Lets hope so, Diogo. Lets hope so.

-Diogo wins the award for most legible handwriting, and it’s a landslide. Thank you for not writing chicken scratch that makes me have to squint just to read. I hope they gave you a penmanship award before you left the mansion.

-Whatever producer told you that wearing a suit of armor would be a good idea to woo Desiree you might wanna punch in the face. Horrible idea.

-He thinks that John Mayer and him would be best buddies. Well, we know John Mayer is a fan of the show after his Ben Flajnik impression he did on “Ellen” a couple years ago. Somehow I don’t think Diogo will be getting backstage passes to any of Mayer’s concerts in the future. Call me crazy.
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Drew

-Favorite actors right now are Tom Hardy and Christian Bale. Safe to say, Drew probably wears Batman underoos.

-Honestly, his answers were about as vanilla as his personality. You’ll see.
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James

-His favorite author is Dr. Seuss, which puts him one step ahead of Brad on the reading level. Congrats.

-He would like to be an NFL head coach. Yeah, because his players would totally respect the fact he once was on a reality TV dating show.

-He left the “what is your greatest achievement to date” question completely blank. Don’t be so hard on yourself, buddy. Sounds like you ripped through “Green Eggs and Ham” and “Cat in the Hat” at some point. That’s a start.

-He’s never received a romantic present from an ex. I’m sorry James. I hope someday a lovely young lady buys you that coaches’ whistle you so desperately want.
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Jonathan

-One of his favorite things to do on a date is make out, which he makes quite clear the first night. At least he’s honest. One of his least favorite things to do on a date is get slapped. Must be speaking from experience. Maybe he tried to make out with someone and got slapped.

-He wants to be Tom Brady for a day so he can win a Super Bowl and go home to “Gizelle.” Like gazelle. Tom Brady hasn’t won a Super Bowl in 8 years, and the last Super Bowl he won, he wasn’t with Giselle. So that answer makes no sense. Maybe you should look into being Colin Kaepernick or Russell Wilson.

-He wants to have lunch with Ghandi because he “seemed like a really enlightened cat.” That was actually funny. However, if he were to speak this, I’m not sure I’d be able to understand him all that much.

-Believe he was the only guy who when asked what three things he’d bring to a deserted island, used one of his answers by mentioning a woman. Marisa Miller. Jonathan is a horn dog, and Desiree sees it within 10 seconds of meeting him.
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Juan Pablo

-Apparently not a fan of Meatloaf. The singer, not the food. Maybe he doesn’t like the food either or had never heard of Meatloaf. Don’t know what kind of following The Loaf has in Venezuela.

-Cuts right to the chase by saying his ideal mate will have “good size breasts.” Sorry Desiree. You are not for Juan Pablo.

-His ideal mate is someone “that doesn’t get upset with jokes.” Translation: I tell a bunch of crude, chauvinistic, and vulgar jokes. Better like them.
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20 thoughts on ““Reader Emails,” “Dr. Reality Steve,” and My Breakdown of the Bachelorette Guys’ Profiles

  1. I’ll read the spoilers tomorrow. I didn’t care to read through Steve’s opinion on each guy. Too much trouble to click back and forth to each bio.

    Whatever.

  2. I agree. These names mean nothing to me at this point, but it might be interesting to go back and read what Steve said later in the season. Right now just a lot of words.

    At least it appears the logging in issue was fixed.

  3. Geez, tough crowd today! ;) I stopped reading the Dr. Reality Steve emails a long time ago, but I thought Steve’s comments about the guys’ responses were pretty hilarious. I hope he decides to do this every season.

    Looking forward to the column tomorrow with the scoop on how everything went down.

  4. ummmm ok how the heck do I stop making the winks and smiley faces appear as actual emoticons? kasey’s right, they ARE creepy. And I was about to do another one but I’m afraid it will just show up as another damn emoticon. Too bad we can’t use emoji on here, that would be awesome.

  5. Totally cool to see my email make the column! Of course it takes very little to jazz me these days……but this kinda did it!

  6. wow, i didnt think you’d go into that much detail with each guys bios and questionnaires! but some of these answers the guys put down are quite hilarious.

  7. I am so glad the website shows their handwriting. I’ve done handwriting analysis before as a hobby and I have analyzed the final four’s handwriting. Here goes:

    BROOKS – His handwriting is inconsistent, sharp, piercing, and would up tight at times. It also has a large degree of pressure, which means he can get intense. His handwriting in different paragraphs look like they are written by different people. I would be scared of his emotional stability.

    CHRIS – Although at times his handwriting slants to the left, then slants to the right, (which could mean he was stressed at answering these questions), his writing gets more relaxed the more he writes. The spacing between letters is close and his letters are round. he is friendly and likes to be with people.

    DREW – His handwriting is very neat, but don’t let that fool you. The spacing between words is far apart and could mean he has trust issues with others. His capital “T”s have what is known as clubbing. Which could mean he has anger issues. However, his words are straight up and down are very consistent, so he is straightforward and consistent emotionally.

    ZAK – He likes to have fun and admits he s a partyer, but he is more than that. The fact that he numbers his answers show that he is very organized. However, he doesn’t always play by the rules, as is noted by how his last sentence is completely off the line.

    If I were to choose a husband from this group, I would choose Zak, Chris, and Drew in that order. Brooks handwriting is too scary and unstable. My choices are based on who seems to have the least amount of issues and baggage.

  8. Oh, I hope I’m not picking on Brooks, but I also forgot to say that his words are very squeezed tightly together, which could mean that he is clingy and codependent. Chris also shows a little of this closeness between words, but his letters within the words are rounder, showing that he has a friendly loving clingyness, whereas Brooks’ clingyness could be neediness and more unhealthy since his letters within the words are so tight, as if to say “I want you close to me, but I won’t let you in”. (Sorry, Brooks, if you are reading this. I call it like I see it).

  9. PixiePoet, I loved this analysis! That’s so cool and I’m interested to see if these characteristics show up in the show or not. If Des does end up picking Brooks, it seems that it will be shortlived.

  10. Pixie….thanks for that interesting insight!

    Everglades….I agree! If this analysis is true to form and if Des did, in fact, end up picking Brooks, then I don’t see it lasting long at all.

  11. Pretty much none of them last all that long anyway. This franchise, as we all know, has a horrible track record of couples actually staying together. It’s a train wreck really.

  12. pixiepoet- very cool analysis!! thanks for sharing that : )

    iheart, there u go agreeing with me again! haha.. do the “;” then spacebar then “)” = ; ) see? no creepy faces…

  13. Great reporting Steve, keep plugging away. Always glad to get your info.

  14. As to first impressions rose ending up the last guy standing…didn’t Roberto get the first rose and ended with Ali? Help me long time posters…maybe I’m wrong.

  15. @Sunnyside422: I’m not positive but I believe it only happened once if Roberto did get the FIR.

  16. Ok whew does Ms. Cindrelli Dessi have a handful of man meat rack this season! I have a feeling she’s not going to end up with a dude that everybody finds hot. Because since she’s hot and an LA girl she’s SO used to the mega hot dudes that hit on her and its basically “all cake and no ice cream” these dudes are going to try every trick of the trade, but a hot LA girl can Windex away all the douche these burly men are going to pile on!

    - Drew is by far the best impression and besides looks his dependent introspective personality DESSi will dig alot!

    - that black guy he’s a character and looks better when he’s sweaty half naked doing yoga. He is too much for her. Dessi doesn’t want a pitbull extrovert flamboyant man, she’s used to show offs in LA, so Next!

    - magician man would make a great friend.

    - Kasey is a #creeper

    - Mikey me likey likey! Damn that’s a man! Wonder how tall he is because Dessi didn’t have to look all the way up to see him. Shorty? Giant ?

    - Jonathan, a lawyer! Haha tried to get a booty call at hello.

    - Zak is hilarious and you gotta understand he’s from B.F.E!! Mico Texas! Where is that! His balcony explained it. He’s a stallion living in the woods.

    - James is creepy and probably got inspired being in the show by being rejected from eharmony

    - whew the ABC H.R. Department had a field day in casting. Fat men, black men, and another ethnic guy that cussed.

    - once the knight took off his mighty mask, he needed to take a mighty walk back to Lake Tahoe where he came from.. DOWN BY THE RIVER!! (miss ya chris Farley)

    - Chris is as boring as his name & personality

    -Mike looks like a Sims character. Who wears their white dentist coat at Dessi’s first meet.

    - Brandon must be a “chosen character” for the show as well as Micah and his “custom” outfit. On a motorcycle at the meeting ceremony?

    - has Nick watched the show? His poem was NOT a new move. #cliche

    - Dan looks perfect. No personality showing at Dessi’s first meet. Those kind of contestants don’t last too long. But Catherine had a Normal first meeting with Sean last season…

    -why in the HELL did Ben bring his kid!!! Only girls like Emily Maynard would enjoy that first meeting. Then sending the kid off to the limo after showing him off? #DoucheDad

  17. I loved Steve’s snarky comments about all these guys! I knew that Des didn’t have a great bunch of guys to choose from, but I didn’t realize it was THIS bad!

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