Tomorrow will be the last column for the rest of the week as I’ll be in California for the holidays. But hey, that doesn’t mean Juan-soever that I Juan’t continue with my Engligh/Spanish tweets. Hey, it’s almost Juan-uary and it’s his world, so we might as well enjoy living in it right? I mean, I don’t really get why they couldn’t call this past one “Sean-uary” and why JP is getting all the love next season, but hey, not my call. I took 3 years of Spanish in high school. I still got a little Latin game, so I figure every time Juan Pablo does an English/Spanish tweet, I can follow with the same in my own way. Get ready for my brilliance because it’s coming. I think it’s important you know that my car is grey and I like strawberries. Not only that, but you MUST know how to say those phrases in Espanol. If I was forced to learn them in Senora Kaulig’s Spanish 1 class freshman year, then dammit, you all need to learn it too. I’m just a fountain of information for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome.
And of course, be sure to check out this season’s episode-by-episode spoilers. They’re Juan-derful.
-Looks like the tabloids won’t get off the Kris Jenner/Ben Flajnik whatever-is-happening, and Ben is already responding. I haven’t seen any stories about him driving her Bentley and partying with her and Joe Francis in Mexico, but I guess they’re out there. Ben even went after US Weekly on Twitter this morning so I guess they’re the culprit in this story, although I haven’t seen anything yet. Welcome to dealing with the Kardashian family, Ben.
-Plenty of you have seen this by now, but if you didn’t, you need to. We all saw Kanye’s “Bound” video that came out last week with him essentially having sex with Kim on top of a motorcycle. You figured it wouldn’t be long before “Funny or Die” spoofed it, but to have James Franco and Seth Rogen play the leads, well, that’s just genius:
-When I saw over the weekend that Francesca Eastwood got drunk and married Jonah Hill’s brother in Las Vegas, I figured it wouldn’t be long that an annulment was coming, and that’s exactly what happened a week later. I mean, I don’t know why these two lovebirds couldn’t make it, however, one look at each of them and I think I can figure it out. I’m smart like that.
-Leah Remini got booted last week on DWTS. So when are the Scientologists going to end their battle with her? Something tells me Leah might want to beef up her security team. These people don’t play around.
-You’re never gonna believe this, but Kelly Clarkson went on a morning talk show to talk more about being pregnant. I get that people are excited to be pregnant and welcome a child into this world, but this chick is relentless. She’s suffocating the baby already and it’s not even born yet. I’m guessing Kelly will totally be a Helicopter Mom.
-As we know Miley’s 21st birthday was this past Saturday. And many of you probably wondered, like myself, exactly what that party consisted of. If I told you a provocative cake, sexy dancers, and midgets would ANY of you have been the least bit surprised? I bet Miley totally got her freak on that night.
-You know things didn’t work out if you’re leaving whatever national news job she had to join Yahoo news. I’m on the internet for multiple hours a day. I have never even heard of Yahoo News. She’s gonna be a “Global Correspondent?” Uh huh. Gotcha.
-Malin Akerman split from her husband Roberto Zincone because, well, I’m guessing she looked at this picture of them and realized, “I’m Malin Akerman and I’m married to Robert Zincone.”
-Even though it’s been a long time since this season aired, maybe some of you remember Irene from the “Real World: Seattle.” She wrote a blog discussing her time on the show, and as you can expect, it’s no different from any of the stories we hear about how the production of those shows REALLY happen. You can read the full blog by clicking here. As I always say, I think a lot of people have resigned themselves to reality TV not being real, but I still don’t think they comprehend HOW fake it is. However fake you think it is, it’s 10 times more fake than that.
-So if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, what do you buy Miley for her 21st? Well, naturally what any 21 year old who’s spoiled rotten and has everything wants: An ATV. Red. Neck.
-The second I saw Katy Perry open the AMA’s looking like a geisha, I immediately went, “Ah hell, she’s gonna take some sh** for that,” and sure enough, she is. It’s almost 2014. Basically anything anyone says, does, tweets, FB posts, texts, prints, writes, etc will offend somebody somewhere. That’s the world we’re in.
-The Redskins got clobbered last night by the 49ers. However, this guy taking a hot dog to the face probably feels worse than they do.
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