The “Bachelor” Juan Pablo Recap Including Elise As You’ve Never Seen Her Before

January 14th, 2014 | 35 Comments | Posted in The Bachelor 18 - Juan Pablo

Once again, A LOT of stuff to get to before we dive into today’s recap. We’ve got Ed Swiderski in the news, someone taking me to task for spoiling the show, a podcast you should be listening to, what’s happening the next two weekends, Molly the Dog, the ratings for last night, and probably the most revealing news – who exactly is Elise Mosca? As I’ve always said, if you choose to put yourself on a reality show, you absolutely cannot get mad when stuff from your past gets out. Especially when that stuff can be found by two clicks of a mouse. Let the tabloids dig and find child support payment delinquencies, legal documents etc. But when you’re presenting yourself as someone you’re completely not, you’re gonna get called out for it. Oh I’m sure you’re gonna love today’s little nugget on Elise. I sure did. It’s hilarious/embarrassing/ridiculous all at the same time. Hey, she was the one who did it, not me. How in the world she thought no one would find this is just plain stupidity on her part. We’ll get to Elise in a little bit, but first lets get started with some of the other stories.

I had no idea Ed had a new girlfriend, but apparently he does. It’s Natalie Bomke, a co-anchor on “Good Morning Chicago.” Apparently some blogger had fun at her expense, so Ed came running to her defense by writing a letter to this guy. Which he then printed for everyone to see. Oh Ed. 70 million tabloids? Really?

According to this author, apparently what I’m doing with my blog is ruining Hollywood. Fans hate bachelor spoilers and I’m what’s wrong with the world or something. I mean, just read that you’ll realize it’s one of the more uninformed, naïve, ignorant, and just flat out wrong dissection of me and my site. I could take down that story sentence for sentence and embarrass her, but there’s no need to do that. Here’s all you need to know about the Examiner. This is directly from their “About” page and read what qualifications you need (or in this case don’t need), to write for Examiner.com. I rest my case.

A lot of people ask me if I have an ultimate goal in all this, or what I plan to do after RealitySteve.com is done, or this show goes off the air. I mean, I have a few ideas and there are some irons in the fire that I don’t plan on getting into publicly, but one thing I’ve always made known is I’d love to write for Grantland.com in some aspect. Their content is pretty much right up my alley, including the weekly Reality TV Fantasy League column that runs every Friday. Very funny stuff. It’s also accompanied by the “Right Reasons” podcast, hosted by Dave Jacoby and Juliet Litman, which skewers the reality TV world. It’s a must listen for me every Friday afternoon. Check it out. Funny stuff.

In case any of you weren’t aware, Molly the Dog has her own Twitter account (@MollytheDog). I think I’d rather follow her than some of these other hot messes who really have nothing to offer. So go follow Molly for a daily dose of what it was like to really live in that house.

For further proof that this is just a television show first, and is not about finding a perfect match for their lead, did you know that final casting for the “Bachelorette” is the next two weekends in LA? This weekend and next, the final 50 or so finalists are flown to LA for their final rounds of interviews to be on next season, even though the next “Bachelorette” hasn’t even been decided on yet. So good luck to all the men auditioning this weekend. Mug for the cameras, give BS answers to the producers, and make it seem like you’ll bring the drama since that’s what they’re looking for. You’ll be a shoe-in to get cast.

The ratings from last night are in and, as expected, it trended down a little from the premiere to the tune of 600k less viewers. 8.5 last week, 7.9 last night. The premiere is always the bigger draw, then for the next few episodes it’ll dip just because there’s still so many girls left. Once the field starts dwindling down, the ratings always rise.

“Reader Emails” and “Dr. Reality Steve” will be this Thursday, along with another live video blog Thursday night, so send all your questions/comments/sex queries/relationship problems to steve@realitysteve.com. I think the “Reader Email” bag is already over 25 emails, and the Dr. only has about 3. Ha ha. Good chance your email will make Thursday’s column if you send in today or tomorrow.

Ok, let’s get to Elise. I want to first start off by making something perfectly clear that she’s been perpetuating on the show. She’s NOT a first grade teacher. She USED to be one, but isn’t anymore. Back when she lived in Pennsylvania. Remember her intro video shown on Sunday? That was shot in LA. Why? Because she moved to LA once she was cast for the show. She even received that rose from Chris Harrison in LA, so the BS of that footage with her “first grade class” in the intro was completely staged. That wasn’t a school, that wasn’t a class, those weren’t her students. Elise is a freakin’ cocktail waitress at the trendy Playhouse Nightclub on Hollywood Blvd in LA. So this 1st grade teacher stuff is just nonsense.

Also, did you see last week where the paparazzi had photos of Elise in a bikini at the beach? Yeah, the paparazzi doesn’t take photos of random girls who last 5 episodes on a reality show walking around on the beach unless it’s set up by someone else. That whole photo shoot was arranged by Elise’s publicist. Couldn’t have been more staged if they tried. Really? She wore two different bikini’s to the beach? Uh huh. Celebrities do it all the time. Why do you think paparazzi can get pics of them just randomly at the park with their family, or at the grocery store, or walking their dog? Because these people’s publicists contact the agencies and tell them to send a photographer out because so-and-so will be there. That’s a publicist’s job, and that’s what happened with Elise last week. She is a wannabe actress trying to make it LA, she moved here almost 6 months ago, and supplements her income by waitressing at a trendy nightclub. Hell, her Instagram will tell you she’s not a teacher and hasn’t been for a while. All she does is post pictures from work and hash tag it with #Playhouse.

But beyond all that, I think this will get to the core of who Elise is. A quick google search and you can find Elise’s acting resume online. You’ll notice that under “Film” it says “Yule Log Hotties.” Well, type that into a Google search and it’ll bring you to this “Yule Log Hotties” video that was released in 2005 when Elise was either 19 or 20. To watch, you need to pay $1.99. Consider today your birthday since I already did that for you. Best $2 I’ve ever spent. Now, this video is 65 minutes long, but Elise doesn’t show up til the 52:00 minute mark and stays til the end. I’ve downloaded all that for you right here. Before you think it’s porn, it’s not. There is no nudity, no kissing, no masturbation, nothing along those lines. But if you want to watch one of the stupidest things alive, here you go:

So Elise won’t go on TV and wear something covering up her lady bits, but she’ll mouth rape a marshmallow all while laying around in lingerie giggling with a bunch of other pervy girls? Uhhh, ok. Elise Mosca everyone! Yes, that video is 65 minutes of 12 women in lingerie sitting around a fire, not talking, while cheesy porn music plays over them as they rub stuff on themselves and pretend to act sexy. I’m at a loss for words what would make someone think this was ever a good idea. Well, apparently Elise thought it was a brilliant idea and she did great work in it since she PUT IT ON HER RESUME! Yikes. First grade teacher? Not quite. On to last night…

35 thoughts on “The “Bachelor” Juan Pablo Recap Including Elise As You’ve Never Seen Her Before

  1. Hahaha.. When Clare said last night, “I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing,” I had to pause it and rewind it to make sure that’s what she really said. Wow.

    Hands down, one of the best recaps I think RS has ever written. Usually I just skim through the recap, but this one was just too funny.
    Nice job!

  2. I suspect Nikki is getting a lot of positive airtime early in the show so that the change to being the bitch is more dramatic. At this point, most anyone would think Nikki is in the finals. And that’s strange for the Bachelor to show it this way. So, this must be the reason. Can’t wait for the turn. I hope it’s next week.

  3. Great recap. Steve please tell me who Clare looks like, I keep thinking Tenley, but she doesn’t seem like the right one. I thought her performance while blindfolded was extreme over-acting.
    Watching the show and seeing the black boxes on the “nude” shot, I wondered if all the girls got a good look at JP’s tool and that is why Sharleen decides to leave. But seriously, I thought it was in very poor taste to do a nude shot on the first actual group date, and who would want the dog because of that? Guess that is why I don’t live in CA.
    I do enjoy watching Juan Pablo as the bachelor more than I thought I would, he is easy to look at. And seems very much a gentleman, well, except for expecting girls to get naked with him right off the bat!

  4. ““I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing.” It’s coming from machines, Clare. It’s fake.”

    I just legitimately LOLed. Thank you for this line! And thank you to Clare, for being Clare.

  5. Also I noticed that the “nude” girls were definitely wearing at least a bikini bottom – you could see part of the blue fabric in the final shot on Andi. I’m not surprised that ABC tried to make it seem like something it wasn’t, but who was going to buy that Lucy was actually nude outside in LA? For one, it’s illegal.

  6. OMG, i have never laughed soo hard..Your hilarious Steve. I’ve been reading this site for years but finally decided to sign up to comment….Just a very entertaining site. Keep it coming!!!!

  7. The “Hymen Maneuver”… hahahahaha…I don’t think that girl has been acquainted with a hymen for quite some time. But she’s a hilarious drunk.

  8. I know he doesn’t write the date cards but did anyone else notice the random capitalization on it? I cracked up….it said : Kat, I can FEEL The electricity. Reminded me of his dumbass tweets. Awesome recap!

  9. Ksrs fan- Same thing I kept asking myself last night. I thought she looked like Tenley, too, but with a mix of the actress from the Burning Love series- Kristen Bell.
    She acts just like her, too.

  10. @ksrsfan– did you ever watch Dexter? To me she looks just like Rita from that show… I thought that right away.

  11. Excellent recap Steve…as always! Too many instances to repeat, but enjoyed laughing at your comments. Poor Juanny will give you plenty of material to come.

    Juanny saying “will you ahhh cept this rose” I laughed each time!

    And truly does this man ever speak in full sentences? Probably not. The girls are running off at the mouth while dumzo sits there and stares. Oh and I love how he puts his hands up to cover his mouth (I bet Camila does it too) when he is surprised. He is definitely a featherweight in the brains department.

    Sorry, I don’t find a single thing about him attractive. That doofus hair do and those beady little eyes…yuk. Nothing for me. Kept leaving the TV to do other things…that is how engaging he is.

  12. Did anyone else see the Catherine / Sean wedding teaser at the end of the show?

    Catherine, pointing to their wedding night bed called it….”Consummation Station”…..thus confirming why I can’t stand this awful couple.

  13. I also have wondered how they are hiding Nikki’s bitchiness? Are they going to just not show her interactions with the other girls much so America doesn’t see her as the villain? Or do you think she’s behaving up until this point. My sources say she was trash talking most every girl (besides Andi) behind their back the moment they moved into the house.

  14. Sad to hear Clare stays around for awhile – what’s up with the awkward pauses in the middle of her sentences?Seriously distracting. Probably needs to think too hard about what she’s saying next.

  15. I don’t care how badly that dumb babe mispronounced the Heimlich manuever, given that that “procedure” was not the one being faked.

    The girls were faking CPR – clearly not the Heimlich. Did that one slip by you Steve-o?

  16. Just watched Elise’s awful 13 minute video. What a waste of time. Who would produce such a stupid movie? I’m embarrassed for her. The highlight was when Elise kept tossing her hair while that other broad was brushing it.

    Did you notice last week (1st episode) that Juan handed out the first four roses to the final 4 girls? I thought that was ironic.

  17. Darn you RS, all the witty points I thought I could write about you covered and much better that I could.

    The only thing that you did not cover that I thought was funny, was the “between Juan Pablo and I” quote. I forget which women screwed up the English language with that sentence (it was repeated a few times).

    As an earlier poster remarked, I also see the Jennifer Aniston resemblance with Renee, but some how no where near as hot. Perhaps since Renee has been cast as house mom, is skewing my opinion on her looks.

    I really found amusing Andi’s nudity dilemma. So if I guy states that he is willing to go nude, most women she that as brave as then go nude? Isn’t that a trick from HS that never works? Or the, go nude for the dogs, it is a good cause. I never thought to use that line.

    Really disappointed in how boring this episode was. However, I usually FF. My high hopes about how funny this train wreck of a season would be, seems to be misplaced. I will try a few more episodes, but I might be back to just reading the recaps.

  18. Clare reminds me of AshLee in Sean’s season (the adopted one with the emotional issues).

  19. That was hilarious to read. I also believe that Juan Pablo has not really interest in any of the Bachelor girls too, but for different reasons than has been mentioned. I believe it’s b/c deep down he likes nice Latina “take home to moma” types and a girl that would go on El Bachelor would not meet that standard. My Latino friends are all the same…want an old fashioned girl, but will have ventura with a naughty girl like Nikki until they are bored.

  20. Bigfatwoman :: I cannot stand Catherine/Sean either and her comment is so typically unclever.

    All : Don’t forget to check out Jen Frase’s blog http://jenfrase.blogspot.com/
    Where she has a priceless screenshot of Juan in the hot tub.

  21. Ayyyyy Elise! Maybe she should go back home and try to get another teaching job. Dad’s picking up their kids will keep picturing her without her clothes on. Moms will be trying to keep their sons away from her….hmmm…maybe she ruined her chances of a teaching career….cocktailing may be her safest career choice. Poor girl…if only she could see the bigger picture for herself.

  22. jazzmine..you beat me to it….Jen Frase has also become a must read during Bach season.

    Great recap RS.

    Ditto on the Sean/Catherine comments. Something about Sean just grosses me out.

  23. Do people really spend money on videos of girls preening in front of the fire? I mean, if you want porn, then buy porn. Same number of clicks and no more expensive, I’m sure. Are those videos for straight guys, or for the sexually confused who aren’t sure if they want porn or tips on cross dressing makeup and outfits?

    Elise looked really awkward in it too. The other two had their vibes and were doing their thing. It looked like Elise was unsure of whether she should thrust her pelvis, lick another girl or touch herself. Oh yeah, she’s really going to make it in Hollywood. Look for her next appearance to be on a pole somewhere.

  24. Did anyone notice how white Sean looked? And this was in September from a guy that lives in Texas. Either he completely stays indoors on his couch all day or he has an advanced case if Aids.

  25. Hi RS , I live in Barbados and have been reading your blog for a couple of years now. I have to say Juan Pablo comes across as the most disingenuous yet and your observations are spot on. By the way Clare reminds me of Giada from the Food Network . Look forward to reading your update next week .

  26. ““I don’t know where the snow is coming from, but it’s snowing.” It’s coming from machines, Clare. It’s fake.”

    I was really hoping she was going to say it was some sort of sign from her father that he was watching over her. So disappointed that she didn’t.

  27. BFW– I agree with Catherine & Sean being an awful couple. They make me cringe. I bet Sean’s preacher dad and oh so perfect sister just loved the “consummation station” remark. Classy chick, that one.
    Juan P was so dopey on Des’ season. He always looked like he had no idea why he was there. And the one time he had alone time with her and they were told to kiss, he didn’t bother to get his hand out of the popcorn bowl! LOL

  28. Thank you guys for the Sean/Catherine comments!! FINALLY someone seems to agree with me. They are sooo annoying and ALL they talk about (especially Catherine) is the wedding and “her boo” and how hot her man is and her wedding workouts. She clearly has no life, own interests, or independence. They act codependent, is weird. They are such famewhores. And the most annoying thing is how hard they try to be funny all the time and NOTHING they tweet or say is funny. I thought their save the dates were so stupid, just trying so hard act like they’re silly and weird, it always just comes across as trying too hard. It’ll be interesting to see if they actually try to become a normal couple like Molly and jason or JP and ashley when this wedding crap is over. Also, it is more clear this season than any other season that Juan Pablo doesn’t give a crap about any of these women or finding love. He just seems completely apathetic. It cracks me up because the women look even more ridiculous.

  29. The show is sure giving the clue that Nikki is a top pick. I wonder if this is the setup before showing her dark side.

  30. Juanito might have a small pickle….always suspected that, why would so many women want to leave such a handsome guy? once you do the mattress mambo you see what you no want…..nice dude, he needs to grab Sharleen and f*** the s*** outta her….that will make her want him
    Latina’s are good looking and that’s that, and he likes his Latina’s….there is no step moma on his season that can fill his ex shoes.

  31. @duckquack…LOL!!! I think that the only girl that really has a shot at winning Juan P’s heart is Sharlene, but she’s not into him. She is the only real girl with substance and I have no idea why she’s on this show??? Why did she audition in the first place? Did a friend talk her into it as a joke???

  32. @rob22..that’s really a nasty comment to make about Sean. Maybe he just plain doesn’t like the sun, or the sun doesn’t like him. But, to comment “or he has an advanced case if Aids” is really not an appropriate thing to say.

  33. Sorry burst your bubble, Elise Mosca is a school teacher and she is from Penna. She is a wonderful person and I think you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to ruin her reputation. I have known her and her family for years. Her mother had passed away about a year ago and I know she raised her children with honor and respect.

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