Reality Steve

The Bachelor 18 - Juan Pablo

The “Bachelor” Juan Pablo Recap Including What’s the Incident Next Week Involving Clare

-Juan Pablo doesn’t like saying goodbye to Camila. He tells her he’ll be seeing her on the computer and talking to her on the phone while he’s gone. A nice way to start the episode to remind everyone that yes, he has a daughter. And yes, he cares about her. And yes, he voluntarily has decided to leave her twice to go on a reality show. But he’s all about setting a good example for her. Well, then I suggest she doesn’t watch this episode whatsoever considering the mixed signals he sends for two hours straight will probably make her head spin. By the way, now we know why Juan Pablo didn’t tell the girls at the end of the cocktail party last week that they were headed overseas. That’s a job for Chris Harrison! I mean, he’s gotta earn his 60k an episode paycheck somehow, so might as well bring him in the beginning to tell the girls they have one hour to pack because they are headed to beautiful Seoul, South Korea. It was at this moment that I felt what it would’ve been like to be in Oprah’s audience when she gave her audience a bunch of free sh**. The piercing screams, the jumping around, the hugs, the make outs…ok, maybe not any make outs…but man, these women were giddy.

-We get the camera phone footage of the girls on the plane and in the airport in LA and landing in South Korea. It’s a nice touch they’ve added in the past few seasons. Although they never really show all that much other than the truckloads of luggage these women bring. Like they’re all Princess Vespa from “SpaceBalls” or something. The girls are walking the streets of Seoul, arms clasped, like they’re about to be robbed. Once they get to the hotel, the date card says, “Pop.” Elise, Nikki, Cassandra, Kat, Chelsie, and Danielle are on the date. Nikki is not thrilled because, well, she doesn’t like interacting with other females. “This blows. I have to share this date with 5 other girls who are quite annoying.” Ahhhh, yes. Let that bitchy side out Nikki. In real time, they were roughly 10 days into filming, and already Nikki thinks everyone is annoying. Cassandra is unsure what that date card could mean. “Pop? Maybe we’re making popcorn.” Yes, they flew you half way across the world so you could make popcorn. Unless this date was going to include the ol’ hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-popcorn-bucket trick, then it was most likely not going to involve anything having to do with popcorn. I mean, before you left, Chris Harrison did tell you girls Seoul was the capital of Kpop. Cassandra must’ve been asleep. Or trying to watch a Pistons game illegally in the house.

-Juan Pablo: “I love dancing. If a girl knows how to dance, it’s the best way to win my heart.” Lets face it, Juan Pablo was a walking contradiction this whole episode. My gosh, did he not watch Kat warming up? As I said after the first episode, more of Kat dancing is a good thing. I thoroughly enjoyed that. She’s been dancing since she was a little kid and made the Phoenix Suns dance team right before going on the show. I’m guessing she’s got a few moves. But Juan Pablo’s head was so far up his ass all episode, apparently he didn’t notice. He’d rather spend his time with a negative sap like Nikki who will suck the life right out of a room. Nikki was not too thrilled with Kat being a better dancer than her. Translation: Nikki was jealous she wasn’t the top dog on this group date and would be outshined. Nikki: “If there is a sign that says ‘I’m the best at this,’ I’m sure Kat would be wearing that right now.” Hmmmm, sounds like someone is extremely insecure. Debbie Downer looks at Nikki and thinks, “Man, lighten up.” Speaking of Debbie Downer, outside of her Harry Potter skit, was there ever a better SNL skit with Lindsay Lohan than the one at Disney World with Debbie Downer? I think not. I hate that it got taken off YouTube due to copyright laws.

-So the six girls and Juan Pablo get to perform on stage with the popular Kpop group 2NE1, who according to Nikki, has “77 million views on YouTube.” Wow, that’s a lot. You know how many “Gangnam Style” has? 1.8 BILLION views. 2NE1 is basically Psy’s bitch. I’m sorry, but I will never get tired of this song, nor one of the most bizarre videos that makes no sense whatsoever:

I mean, c’mon. How much better would this date have been with the girls up there with Psy? Probably the greatest date ever. I would’ve much rather preferred these girls getting to dance with Psy just so I could see how much more miserable Nikki could get up on stage. It was quite the sight. I don’t know this for a fact, but when 2NE1 took the stage and were chanting, “Nega Che Chala Ga,” I believe that translates to “Get the hell off the stage Nikki.” Yes, I know I spelled that wrong, no need to correct me. I don’t speak Korean, nor do I care to know the correct spelling of whatever the hell they were repeating over and over again at the beginning of the song, or what it means. I’m pretty sure that was the correct translation though. Question: Who hated Nikki more, the girls or 2NE1? Close call. Just watching everyone up there dancing the whole song, it was pretty comical to see the lack of rhythm Juan Pablo had. So were the DWTS pros watching that episode last night drawing straws to see who didn’t have to be Juan Pablo’s partner this season? Just curious.

-At the after party, we finally learned a little more about Kat. She says she feels like she hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to him much. As she starts telling him a story, the cameras show us clips of the little ball of hate Nikki saying how much she thinks Kat mugs for the camera. “Kat is on ALL the time. There’s no way that’s real.” Maybe, maybe not. However, I do know one thing that is real. That giant zit on Nikki’s face that she claimed last night on Twitter was because of stress from the group date. Excuses excuses. Damn that thing was scaring me. I thought at some point it was gonna grow it’s own head and start talking more sh** about the other girls. Crazy. Anyway, Kat begins to tell Juan Pablo that her dad was an alcoholic, he divorced her mother when she was six years old, he’s had 7 DUI’s in his life, and basically wasn’t much of a father at all. Which in return, has made her vulnerable and she isn’t the greatest at opening up and that’s a fear of hers. Of course, she now has to ask Juan Pablo his fear (I believe that’s 3 episodes in a row now) and he says “Not being a great example for Camila.” The same answer he said last week. I think maybe they should just tell all these girls to ask him that every week and see if he’s bright enough to ever change his answer. My guess? No.

-So on this group date after party, three different girls make it known that Nikki is the most negative person in the house. Elise, Danielle, and Chelsie. And considering Nikki talked sh** at Kat’s expense, I’m guessing Kat wasn’t too fond of Nikki. And this was BEFORE Nikki got her second consecutive group date. Nikki goes to talk to Juan Pablo, tells him how difficult this has been for her, hates group dates, blah blah blah. She ends up getting the rose. Look, it’s not like what Nikki said this episode hasn’t been said on EVERY season since this show started. We get it. You want time alone. You don’t want group dates. I’m sure others feel the same way. However, none of them acted like a giant b***h the whole day, which was apparently that she did. None of the girls on that date said anything nice about her and it had nothing to do with her getting the rose. They weren’t voiceovers, they weren’t spliced together ITM’s, nor were they made up. Clear shots of women saying the words that Nikki is the most negative person in the house. Hey, I told you that months ago that she wasn’t liked. Now it looks like they’re starting to show it.

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  1. marybods

    January 28, 2014 at 11:31 AM

    WOW, no way JPabs ex, Carla wants her daughter to be around such a be-ouch like Nikki. If she is jealous of the other girls garunteed she’s gonna be jealous of gorgeous Carla. Baby momma is probaly telling Don Juan to pull a Mesnick and switch his choice to mother hen Renee.

    Please, please SHARLEEN for next bachelorette????

  2. strick432

    January 28, 2014 at 11:35 AM

    I can’t stand it anymore. It’s “all of a sudden” not “all the sudden”. I thought maybe Steve the writer would correct this at some point but he hasn’t. Please Steve, get a grip on your English grammar!!!!!

  3. strick432

    January 28, 2014 at 11:37 AM

    I held out as long as I could – it’s “all of a sudden” not “all the sudden”. I thought Steve the writer would correct this at some point but he hasn’t. Get a grip on your English grammer Steve!!!

  4. fashnnggt

    January 28, 2014 at 11:56 AM

    You mean “you can’t stand it any longer?”

  5. serapa

    January 28, 2014 at 11:57 AM

    I agree that Carla will never accept Nikki. JP is not into
    Renee. He’s really into Sharl, but Sharl is way out of his league. JP will end up marrying a nice Latina girl from Miami in about 2-5 years.

  6. serapa

    January 28, 2014 at 11:58 AM

    I would love to see Sharleen as the next Bachelorette too. RS is right though…ABC producers are rooting for Dorf Dorf Dorf….

  7. serapa

    January 28, 2014 at 12:00 PM

    One more comment, is it just me or does JP seem really out of his element and awkward on this show? He just seems really uncomfortable as the Bachelor. Even with the edits, he’s totally not into this…it’s obvious to me.

  8. rob22

    January 28, 2014 at 12:20 PM

    serapa: JP wasn’t into his time on The Bachelorette either…. you know during the 90 seconds of air time he had all season. His MO is to stare blankly, nod his head occassionally, and then act confused once he realizes someone asked him a question. With these qualifications, he’d make an excellent bus boy at a chinese buffet.

  9. iheartvino

    January 28, 2014 at 12:22 PM

    I love all the nicknames everyone has for Juan Pablo. JP, J’Pabs, Juanny P, even Rob22’s favorite, Hu-wahn Pahhblow, etc. haha.

    serapa, yep, JP looks very uncomfortable as the Bachelor. Same can be said about some of the contestants- I wonder how many takes they did for the ITM’s. I can just see the producers “ummm can you talk about how much fun you had today, but it doesn’t have to be something from today, just think of a fun day you had with your ex-boyfriend or whatever and we’ll just edit it to make it look like you’re talking about JP, okay?”

  10. texasfight88

    January 28, 2014 at 12:23 PM

    Has anyone else noticed how Ali seems to always go out of her way to connect and form some sort of relationship with the “hot item” contestants and couples? First it was Ashley H., then Emily, Sean, JP/Ashley (the couple), Des, Sean/Catherine (the couple), and one would assume she’ll do the same if/when Andi becomes the Bachelorette. From afar, it looks like she goes to great lengths to connect with them. And she has done a fair share of tweeting/instagraming pictures of her with them. Does she still want to stay relevant?

  11. SeaDub

    January 28, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    So far, I don’t mind Nikki. Nothing wrong with a little crabby-ness. I would be crabby too around the positivity and smiles on steroids that some of these women are emulating. It’s Clare who I want to K-Pop in the mouth.

    Definitley Sharleen for the next Bachelorette!! Has it really taken this long and this many women to have one who has sophistication and candor?

  12. jazzmine

    January 28, 2014 at 12:43 PM

    1. Nikki danced worse than Elaine Bennis
    2. If DeYawna Pappas Stagipoopolis and Ali were at the wedding, why wasn’t Holly Durst Julian?
    3. Did Jeremy Cade Anderson adopt another baby????

  13. paisley17

    January 28, 2014 at 1:04 PM

    Sharleen should be the next bachelorette! Is there any chance of that happening? Did they ask her and get a “no”?

  14. terrads

    January 28, 2014 at 1:17 PM

    What about the shocking surprise in the promos for Sean and Catherine’s wedding? Never happened.

  15. strick432

    January 28, 2014 at 1:39 PM

    Sorry my post posted twice – computer acting up. I still can’t figure out why Ali Fed and her nerdy ugly boyfriend and DeAnna Pappas and her hubby were wedding guests. They are not Bachelor/ette success stories and wouldn’t seem to know Sean and Catherine from Adam.

  16. rob22

    January 28, 2014 at 1:45 PM

    Did everyone like Sean’s faux-hawk? Or did he just get a bad haircut? Was it editing that propped up this guy and made him seem like a stud? He sure seems like a big blonde propeller head now. I can see why he liked Catherine. Two doofuses in a pod. God it would be intolerable to have them as neighbors.

  17. Sunnyside422

    January 28, 2014 at 1:57 PM

    Actually success is not a criteria for the many appearances of past Bachelors/ettes. Just wanting to get their faces in front of cameras and free hotels/trips/food. Ali Fed will be a career Bachelorette. And I agree her new man is fuggly looking. Roberto is probably scratching his head with “why him”.

    Said I wouldn’t watch the wedding and I didn’t. Grammys were far more interesting. Next we will hear that giggly girl got pregnant on the first insertion by Seanie…and all the details on how it happened! These two are cray-cray and need to fade away.

    I like Renee. She is a normal, sweet, smart lady who deserves a decent man. Juanny is an airhead and definitely gonna hook up with another like him after many years of sampling.

    Sharleen has an exotic look that would attract men but she is waaay to bright to attach herself to this show after this appearance! Nah…Fleiss and his minions want dumb and dumber as their leads…as they have proven season after season.

    Great recap Steve…had many laugh out loud moments but then we knew Juanny would be terrific fodder for you.

  18. jazzmine

    January 28, 2014 at 2:06 PM

    I think I answered my own question — Holly Julian wasn’t at the wedding because she’s not a “career bachelorette” like DeYawna and Ali Fed.

  19. lawestie

    January 28, 2014 at 2:25 PM

    I’m Korean! It’s “Neh gah jeh-eel jahl nah gah,” and the literal translation means, “I go out the best,” or, “I present myself the best (or better than you)”

    It was utterly annoying for Clare to shout, “KOREA?! I’ve never even worn a KIMONO before!” or something to that effect. Kimonos are Japanese, you twerp.

  20. lawestie

    January 28, 2014 at 2:28 PM

    Oh, and I have to say it was pretty hilarious and endearing at the very end of the episode when JP was lip synching to the song, getting all into it. 🙂

  21. chumley

    January 28, 2014 at 2:49 PM

    Hey Steve,

    We actually already know that three of the girls see JP and Claire frolicking in the ocean at night in the next episode from this preview clip:

    It’s toward the end. Three of the girls are standing on the beach watching them. Maybe you can tell which three girls are watching?

  22. strick432

    January 28, 2014 at 3:31 PM

    Depending on where DeAnna lives, I would think her doc would have advised her not to travel this late in her pregnancy.

  23. bigfatwoman

    January 28, 2014 at 4:30 PM

    Totally disagree on Sharleen for next Bach. She definitely is different than the mold we’re used to, but I think she’s more awkward and apathetic than sophisticated or interesting.

    @rob22-totally agree about Sean. He has really turned out to be quite the Lunkhead. He and The Giggler are a perfectly matched emotionally stunted couple. I can only hope they fade into oblivion.

    If all that virgin talk, bed footage and lingerie shopping wasn’t reason to keep a wedding personal and private, I don’t know what is. And no, I would never have a televised wedding if offered. Not everyone wants their life made public in order to make money.

  24. jacey

    January 28, 2014 at 5:53 PM

    Haven’t watched any of the franchise’s weddings and saw no reason to change that on Sunday.

    I hopped on to comment on the “kimono” revelation from Clare’s dumb arse last night, but I see someone has taken care of that.

    Imho, Sharleen *wants* to be the next Bachelorette, however, unless she becomes much more pliable and compliant real quick, that ain’t happening. I’m pretty sure the DA is the producer choice — and not a bad one, I think.

    JP’s contradictions basically stem from his lack of interest in the process as a whole. He obviously resents being manipulated, and the only girl he has any true interest in he knows is way out of his soccer league. Nikki is chosen by default. Oh! If you exchange Nikki’s blond hair for dark tresses, you pretty much have that chick Ben chose from his season. What was her name? Courtney? Same five-finger foreheads and facial characteristics.

    I absolutely love Kelly. Kelly on Clare:
    “It (the piece of octopus) was about this big. And I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that”

    Claire said she had chocolate breath. JP missed her whiff of desperation. Her whole schitck during that conversation was cringe-inducing. I don’t think it’s as much about JP as it is getting camera time.

    Btw… I’ve seen at least a couple comments about the lack of ethnicity in the current cycle. There was the black lady who left a week or two ago, and Danielle is undoubtedly part African descent, Sharleen is part Aboriginal, and a couple of the other girls have some ‘flava’ as well.

    Lastly, I was lmao when Elise who thought her place for another week was so secure, got the boot. Kharma

  25. gemsnob

    January 28, 2014 at 8:31 PM

    A few comments were made about “who” is invited to these weddings. I believe anyone that was married on a Bachelor televised wedding is pretty much automatically invited (4 couples). Chris & Des are engaged so of course they are invited. Based on comments they have made I doubt they will opt for a TV wedding. Deanna most likely got invited since she is pregnant and ABC wants to flaunt “Bachelor babies” and she lives in the area. Ali continues to “cling” to the bachelor world and with her job at E she interviews the bachelors, etc. A side note about Ali she is the only contestant who did NOT return her Neil Lane engagement ring. She was nice enough to say that on E one night that “she fought ABC to keep the ring” she felt she “deserved” it. Not sure why you want the ring since she is no longer with Roberto but then again the value was $50,000 so she has that going for her. I would say “clinging” to her bachelorette days is an understatement. As for the rest that were there Arie, Jeff, & John they were all on Emily’s season with Sean.

  26. mrsb

    January 29, 2014 at 1:02 AM

    I had to create an account just to say how much I love the recaps this season! Wow, JP has really given you ALOT of material. I have never laughed so much, thanks for making this season so entertaining, this site is so much better than the actual show.

  27. marybods

    January 29, 2014 at 5:38 AM

    If JPabs had any second thoughts about giving Elise the boot, that dress alone sealed the deal! WTH was that thing? Half ball gown-half shorts. In freaking neon green yet! In what universe was that ok?
    How bazar is it that that ABC producer is tweeting out…Dorf, Dorf! Wow dude is creepy as hell. DAndi has the next season in the bag. But one question. As per RS, DAndi chooses to leave the show. Have they ever used a contestant for the next lead if they left the show on their own accord? Hummm

  28. serapa

    January 29, 2014 at 6:25 AM

    Marybods, yes, Ali left Jake on her own accord b/c she had to go back to her job at Facebook.

  29. mariet

    January 29, 2014 at 9:41 AM

    This guy’s recaps are always funny.

  30. mush

    January 29, 2014 at 9:57 AM

    funny how people on this site comment which person juanpa should chose. I mean, don’t you get it yet? its fake. he agreed to do as the producers told him to do. I do worry about sean lowe, though. is Catherine mature enough for him? she giggles, I get it. that’s fun to be around I guess. but all the time? is her faith as strong as his? if not, its not going to work. can she be strong when shes not “loved enough” because the kids come first? or when sean is depressed (we all are at times) and needs to be alone?

  31. ladybirdrn

    January 30, 2014 at 3:49 AM

    I also like Sean and Kathryn -so she giggles-she is just a fun happy person. I respect how she handle Sean’s being on Dancing With The Stars-had to be hard when she sat I the audience and had nothing to do while he practice in a town she knew no one! DWTS has been the beginning of the down fall for many. She clearly lives and respects Sean and fits in well with people-easy going, so what they goof around and laugh and have fun-more people should try it, Sean went for the marrying girl he didn’t fall for the ones that only came to win or get TV time, I see them as truly being happy, not sure I buy Trista and Ryan’s whole story any more-clearly look like it’s forced-like they are trying too hard.

  32. Dianne

    January 30, 2014 at 7:07 AM

    Sorry JP, but nobody, and I mean nobody, rocks red pants like Ames!

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