Reality Steve

Bachelor in Paradise

“Bachelor in Paradise” Finale Recap

Robert and Sarah

So as we’re watching Sarah and Robert have an overnight date, these two are saying all the right things. Sarah is loving it. “I’ve watched these overnight dates on TV growing up, and they are so romantic…I’m with the hottest guy…Robert and I are on the same page…most comforting feeling in the world…this is a huge step in the relationship…I hope he goes there…I hope he digs deep.” Apparently not digging deep was a huge no-no. This was another case of two people that seemed to be on completely different pages. Robert thinks everything on the overnight date went great. And we all assumed it did until the next morning when Sarah basically complained about what a disaster the fantasy suite was. Uh oh. Another fantasy suite disaster? Did he not perform well? Could he not perform at all? Was his junk less fulfilling than say, oh I don’t know, Cody’s was to Michelle? Ummmm, none of the above. In fact, nothing happened.

Sarah: “This room begged for romance, intimacy, getting to know each other…didn’t happen at all…Robert was ready to go to bed…he had his jeans on under the sheets…Robert did not want to be physical with me…I went to unbuckle his pants and he stopped me…his hands did not touch my body…I don’t even know if he has a penis.” Of course, Robert immediately took to social media to shoot down the jeans comment:


So it’s a he said, she said now. Either way, that’s not good. I say a guy does that, then he’s not into you. Sorry. In that setting, under those circumstances, and he doesn’t even touch her? Look, I don’t know Robert at all. I have no idea what this guy’s sexual history is, and maybe, just maybe, the guy got freaked out by the cameras and froze up and just didn’t want to have sex out there. But knowing he lived 10 minutes from her, and would have to come back to LA with that on his mind, and from what I’ve heard, they haven’t dated since they got back, well, that pretty much explains it. My opinion is that he pretended to be into her while he was out there (he sure said and did things to make her think he was) so he could last longer on the show, but in reality, he was never really thinking about anything long term with her.

What’s even more awkward is as Sarah confronts him about this saying, “I couldn’t make any sense of why you went straight to bed…last night I felt incredibly, not loved…I don’t think I’m getting what I need in this relationship from you…” Robert seemed to think everything was great. Even called the night “perfect.” Huh? Talk about being on two completely different pages. How is that even possible? Actually, I think I have my answer. Remember, Robert is the same guy that was hooking up with Des’ roommate back in the day, then goes on Des’ season as a contestant and doesn’t even recognize her when she calls him out on it (which wasn’t shown). So yeah, apparently Robert has a completely clueless side to him that’s becoming more and more apparent. Sucks for Sarah that she had to find out that way. Sarah: “If a guy doesn’t want to hook up with you in the fantasy suite…he doesn’t like you…I want to stay up all night…pillow talk for hours…I can’t really make sense of the way things went down last night.” Don’t worry Sarah. Neither can anyone else.

Cody and Michelle

I think the most important thing to realize in this whole relationship is that Michelle’s 9 year old daughter Brielle might have given the most sound advice ever told by anyone. Of any age. Michelle called her and said she had a decision to make about a cute boy and didn’t want to screw it up again. Brielle: “It doesn’t matter if he’s cute or not…he’s gotta be nice, and have a lot in common.” She said other stuff that sounded like she was talking to a seasoned 25 year old veteran or something. That was crazy. Brielle is 9? Is that 9 in dog years? What 9 year old talks like that? I only say that because my niece Olivia is 10 and I couldn’t see her saying something like that, let alone know anything like that. So through the power of her daughter, Michelle realized she had a good thing going with Cody and they decided to continue the relationship. Not before we heard Michelle talking about his manhood, how sore she was the next day, and comparing him to the Hulk. Yeah, I hope Brielle had earmuffs on watching that back last night.

Marcus and Lacy

As reported here on July 7th, they got engaged. Nothing too shocking there. They spent every minute together out there off in their own little world, and convinced themselves that after three weeks, they knew each other so well that engagement was the next logical step. Ok. Time will tell. And considering there’s already Twitter chatter from last night that Marcus has been texting some girl and she still has the texts on her phone, I’ll take a wait-and-see approach with these two. I don’t know what the texts said, when they were sent, or if it’s legit. Maybe it was taken out of context? Maybe the texts were before he left for Paradise? I don’t know. There is a picture of these two together, so he definitely has met her. I just don’t the extent of the relationship, and at what point they met. But when I have five different people tweet at me, including the girl in question, it’s definitely something I’m gonna look into.

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  1. Jman123

    September 9, 2014 at 11:16 AM

    I have yet to see it as ABC “needed” to air the football game on top of having it on ESPN. I’m sure the cast and crew were happy to see the finale scheduled for around 1:30 am. Maybe Robert can become the spokesman for those pajama jeans I have seen advertised.

  2. shouldbeworking

    September 9, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    Does anyone else wonder about the ludicrousy of this show, where 6 supposedly intelligent individuals, and a host, are standing around clapping, crying, and hugging two people that got engaged after knowing each other for only a few weeks? Sometimes I wonder about MY taste in the TV shows I choose to watch. I thought the ending last night was lame and I had to fast forward pretty much through it all.

  3. shouldbeworking

    September 9, 2014 at 11:23 AM

    Oh, and as for Robert…glad Sarah called him out. She is way too good for him.

  4. erin4

    September 9, 2014 at 12:02 PM

    “But it still doesn’t change the basic premise of the show which is no challenges, no money, and no strategizing. Ultimately, if you’re basing the premise of your show around people hanging out for 3 weeks and being forced to decide whether they want to continue seeing each other or not, you don’t really have a solid foundation of a show. But hey, that’s just me.”

    Not just you, Steve. That’s the entire reason I only watched the first episode of this show. Boring!

  5. mush

    September 9, 2014 at 12:31 PM

    the bachelor and its spin off are so popular and well established within the American culture now (falling in love after a day or two, getting engaged after a week or two, talking incessantly about your feelings, making them up if you don’t have them yet and actually believing yourself) that abc can pull off a show like this with the only premise being hanging out and maybe hanging out even after the show stops filming.

  6. angelfish

    September 9, 2014 at 12:41 PM

    It was trashtastically awesome to me, and I’ll tune in again next year. As long as they have the same editors and cue up the same snarky & sarcastic end credits and updates, I’ll be happy.

    Re: Brielle vs. Olivia and “cute boy” situations, Michelle has dated before and has had to explain certain things to her daughter. If Olivia has 2 parents in her home, she’s obviously not had those kinds of conversations with her mom. Children of single parents and children of married parents may learn different life lessons at different ages. It doesn’t mean either is right or wrong, it all depends on the child.

  7. caffeinequeen

    September 9, 2014 at 1:29 PM

    I was puzzled by some of the same things Steve brought up. Why would these people need to make a commitment then and there about dating once they go back home? And the veiled threat, “Don’t try to fool yourselves or try to fool me.” Because…. ??? And why did the pairs who decided not to stay together have to leave immediately? To save ABC from another night’s lodging and food expenses?

    As for Graham– If he had wanted a nice vacation, all he needed to do was continue to hang out with AshLee despite all the warning signs. That’s what Marcus and Lacy got: a relaxing vacay in Tulum. Neither was going to be sent home unless they did something different with the show format and made them compete to stay a la Bachelor Pad.

    Sarah – Maybe Robert wasn’t into her. Maybe he was cautious because he could tell how much more emotionally invested she would become if they took their relationship to the next level. Why didn’t they just talk about it? Sarah only thought her night with Robert was a fail after she heard TMI from Michelle (especially) and Lacy about their nights.

    When this returns next year, I am sure I will find myself watching for the entertainment value. I hope they do something to the format so there’s more incentive to mingle – something/anything to make it more interesting.

  8. bigfatwoman

    September 9, 2014 at 1:30 PM

    @shouldbeworking….I was thinking the same thing last night about how ludicrous the premise is of getting engaged after 3 weeks, but then I thought The Bachelor/ette is not that much different — so the whole franchise is really quite ridiculous.

    I kinda lost a little love for Sarah last night. I thought that comparing her relationship to the other two dumb couples was really junior highesque. She wants the “hot” guy to ravage her in the fantasy suite yet there is nothing confident or sexy about her.

    I’m sorry, I’m sure I’ll get lambasted for this — but the arm thing has got to be intimidating for a guy. No one can tell me that when she puts that stump on the picnic table, that it doesn’t look odd and potentially painful. Do you grab the arm during sex? Do you watch the blow job while one arm is placed on the bed and the other is dangling in the air?

    She is fishing out of a pond until she gets a prosthetic. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

  9. Scout

    September 9, 2014 at 1:33 PM

    Those end updates were pure gold! I nearly cried I was laughing so hard! It completely made up for how awful the show was. I can’t believe Steve didn’t mention them.

  10. angelfish

    September 9, 2014 at 4:02 PM

    Kalon in his “I Heart Juan Pablo” t-shirt was hysterical, as were the updates on Bukowski & Elise, and the raccoon!

    They’ll have to do some tweaks to it for sure, but as anything with The Bachelor/Bachelorette, it will bring in ratings no matter what. They’ve got another cash cow without having to actually fork out cash.

    And I’m betting some of the previous contestants that didn’t do it this season will do it next season.

  11. rob22

    September 9, 2014 at 5:38 PM

    BFW: oh no you didn’t!!!

    Ha! I’ve been thinking similar stuff all through the season. But I was too chicken to put it out there. Didn’t think it would go over well…. And that’s me saying that!

    Like, wouldn’t it have been awesome if she got pissed at Robert and beat him with her stump! It would have been great if she was the type to do something that. And reality folks…. Robert had to be thinking “if I do her, I guess I’ll have to touch it…. And OMG what if she tries to stroke my back with it!!!” Dude was probably freaking out of his mind thinking about stuff like that.

    That aside, if you’re looking for a hookup, you want someone not too bright and not too fragile. Someone like Clare that will never really put two and two together. And you don’t want someone that’s going to tear up and become a blubbering mess of insecurity. Then you’re stuck trying to console her. Sarah’s just isn’t hookup material. So, Roberts best bet is to pull a stall… The old, “gee I’m really tired” routine. Kinda old school, but it does the trick. He didn’t have a lot of options if he wasn’t planning on doing her. Faking a heart attack would have been a little overboard in my opinion.

  12. kinbville

    September 10, 2014 at 9:32 AM

    BigFatWoman and Rob22, you both are awesome and I totally agree with your comments! Yes, Sarah’s arm is difficult to look at and would take some getting used to. She has to understand that and accept it as reality. She is a beautiful girl and honestly, I don’t see how she has trouble finding a boyfriend. But I did totally lose respect with her after she went off on Robert for not “molesting” her in the fantasy suite. Uh Sarah, just like a woman doesn’t HAS to have sex with you, neither does a guy. Has it ever occurred to you that MAYBE he was trying to be respectful and a gentleman. He has to let you unbutton his pants or you kick him to the curb. YEESH! If that’s all you need to make you feel validated, I assure you that there are tons of guys in any bar on Saturday night that will oblige, especially now that you told all of America that you expect sex, dammit!

  13. mush

    September 10, 2014 at 12:46 PM

    after graham left sarah thought the other guys would get cold feet too, that hes insecurity in his own relationship would rub off on the other guys. her thoughts are so strange. her missing arm is strange but not so strange to not hook up with her if she was hot, which she is, and if she was confident and fun.

  14. Jman123

    September 10, 2014 at 1:50 PM

    When asked what went wrong with Robert, Sarah replied “I’m stumped.”

  15. addicted2rs

    September 11, 2014 at 8:47 AM

    Robert never seemed that into Sarah. He was clearly trying to stay there for the vacay or camera time. He stalled at kissing her, but he had no problem kissing Lacy minutes after meeting her.

    He just wasn’t into Sarah. Hopefully Sarah will get a prosthetic. Why in the world wouldn’t you get one if you had a missing limb?

  16. missannmcd

    September 12, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    I do think Sarah’s arm might be a source of anxiety at first. If she showed some confidence and inner security though, I would think a guy could get past that. She definitely needs some pointers in being sexy, but not trashy like the other slits…haha!

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