Crap. We’re six days away from the premiere. I better get on the ball. To hold you over until then, here is your review/spoilers for the first episode. I believe ever since Emily’s season, I’ve been able to view the first episode in advance, minus the rose ceremony (ABC doesn’t release that part of the episode bc they don’t want anyone spoiling it). It’s not like ABC lets me view this because they feel I’m some respected media journalist who’s going to kiss their ass and write glowing reviews about their show. Basically I’m not supposed to, but I do. Deal with it. However the way this “off season” has gone, things are gonna be a liiiiiiiitle different this time around. I’ll tell you more on Monday. But as for the first episode airing next Monday, pretty much the same as all the rest, just with a different cast. One little shake up in the limo exits that we’ve never seen before, but nonetheless, a whole lot of the same. Remember, next Monday is a 3 HOUR live premiere. They are inviting a ton of former contestants back, Chris Harrison will be in studio basically doing a live viewing party, coming in and out of commercial breaks getting fan reaction and talking to former contestants as they watch the show with the rest of us. Should be exhilarating TV, really.
Here’s what to expect about how the episode breaks down:
-1st 5 minutes is the typical montage of the lead. Chris on his farm in Iowa, doing dirty work, telling us about life in a small town, hanging out with family, telling us his family owns 6,000 acres of land in Iowa, blah blah blah. It’s a small town, he doesn’t meet a lot of women, therefore doing something like the “Bachelor” really will open his eyes to meeting women he never would’ve met otherwise. Of course, Chris fails to mention that he was once engaged and it got called off close to the wedding date, so technically Chris has met a woman before and been serious enough with her to plan a wedding. So it’s not like he actually NEEDS this show to find someone. He’s just choosing to do this show to find someone. Big difference.
-Chris is already sucked in to what is commonly referred to on this show as “Stupid Bachelor Metaphors.” We’re barely 3 minutes in and Chris is hooked. “Love is a lot like farming…plant a seed, hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t on your side, but with luck something beautiful can come from it.” Oh boy. I’m guessing that’s the first of 841 farming/love metaphors we’ll hear this season. Get your popcorn ready.
-Chris continues on telling us how this is such a rare opportunity for him, but it comes during harvest season, so he’s leaving at the most important time for his family business, and that’s a big deal. Gee, Ben left during his harvest season as well to do this show. So as big of a deal as it is, two of the last four “Bachelors” jumped at the chance, so lets not overestimate it’s importance. Chris: “If I didn’t take this opportunity, it’d take a lifetime to find someone.” Ummmm, probably not considering you were once engaged. Apparently Chris is trying to forget that or hope someone doesn’t dig around and find out more about it. I’m sure the tabloids will Chris. No worries.
-One final thing they show is Chris being trained on his farm by Cody, which was back in September when Cody moved to Iowa, before moving to Utah to be with Michelle, only to break up 3 months later. I know a lot of you have asked me what happened between Cody and Michelle. My answer is I don’t know. But if you look at the track record, I think you’ll have your answer. I’ll never understand why some of the people from this franchise do what they do when they get into a new relationship, but just know, that just because you see something on Instagram and Twitter (over and over and over again) doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. All I know is that in September, Cody was the greatest human alive, Michelle was the luckiest person in the world to have him, she couldn’t possibly love someone as much as him, and three months later they broke up. Go figure.
-Next they showed introduction videos for 7 girls on this season. In the past, they’ve put more of them up on ABC’s website after the first episode aired, so maybe they’ll do that again. But this season, they just showed 7. Here they were:
Britt: The 27 year old waitress from Hollywood tells us that the last relationship she was in was for 3 years, and they never had sex (cough…bullsh**…cough). “I’m a very touchy person. I’m a feeler.” Yeah, but no sex for 3 years. Got it. They show Britt walking Hollywood & Highland carrying a little piece of paper that says “Free Hugs” as she walks around giving random strangers free hugs. This is a theme throughout the episode with her.
Jillian: A 25 year old national news producer who is doing back handsprings on the grass in Washington D.C. I wonder if it’s in the same location Lesley Murphy stood outside holding a “Sean & Lesley 2016” poster? Whatever the case, Jillian likes to work out. And hard. She could probably kick Juan Pablo’s ass. She says she can probably dead lift more than most guys she knows, and judging from the video, she’s probably right. I’ll predict that Jillian will fireman carry Chris once he inevitably dumps her.
Amanda: 24 year old ballet teacher from Lake of the Hills, Ill. We even hear the producer ask her, “Why are you still single?” Her response? “Can I say because I’m f***ing crazy?” Amanda then proceeds to tell us she’s currently living at home with her mom. Why? “I like not paying bills, I don’t cook, and I don’t like cleaning.” Wonderful first impression, Amanda. I’m sure guys will be lining up around the corner wanting to get with you.
Whitney: 29 year old fertility nurse from Chicago, Ill. Look, you know the deal on her by now if you’ve been reading this site the last 3 months. What I will say is that you might want to prepare yourselves for Whitney’s voice. It’s very baby-ish, it’s very high pitched, and quite nasally. I know you absolutely think I’m exaggerating. I don’t think I am. Of course like anything, we all have our likes and dislikes. Some of you will think it’s annoying, some of you will be fine by it, and some of you will be driven up a f***ing wall by it. It’s that different. It almost sounds cartoonish to me. I’m just warning you. I can’t think of any former contestant in the history of this show that sounds like her, and it’s not even close.
Mackenzie: She’s 21 years old and a dental assistant from Maple Valley, WA. She tells us she already has a man in her life, and that’s her son Kale. 21, already with a kid, already posted pictures on Instagram since she got back from filming with her baby daddy that she’s since deleted once I pointed it out. Next.
Alissa: A 24 year old flight attendant from New Jersey, with easily the cheesiest intro video we’ve seen in years. They show her giving her air waitress speech at the front of the plane (even though I’m sure it’s a fake plane set and the cameras never actually went on a real plane, with real passengers, heading to a real location and had her spew out this nonsense). Some of things she says:
“Smoking is not permitted on this aircraft, unless you’re smoking hot. Hey Chris.”
“Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in continuing this journey to find love.”
“And if you aren’t here for the right reasons, your nearest exit may be in the limo behind you.”
Kelsey: She’s 25 from Austin, TX and is a school counselor. Her big thing is she’s been a widow for 1 year and 4 months as her husband suddenly died one day when his heart stopped as he was walking to work. She tells us she does believe soulmates exist and “you can meet more than one soulmate.” Wait, isn’t that completely contradictory? I thought soulmate meant there’s one person for everyone? Or have I completely been oblivious to the definition of soulmates my whole life?