Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” Including “The Dratchelor” Episode 3

The live video chat returns tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. Last week we had some audio issues in the second half of the chat. I’ve been assured by Spreecast that those issues have been fixed and they will not happen again. So much so that they even credited my account for the technical issues. Thanks Spreecast! Weeeeeeee! Anyway, I’ll be taking your questions on anything and everything regarding the “Bachelor” or whatever the hell else you’d like to talk about. Maybe you want to talk about Ashley I.’s eyebrows, or Whitney’s voice, or Tony on “Real World: Skeletons” living with his roommate that he just slept with, and his two ex’s from back home that he still wants to hook up with. Fascinating storyline going on over there. That guy has no shame. He’s all worried when the first ex showed up, then starts to feel more comfortable and sleeps with her. Then his second ex shows up, starts freaking out again, then by the end of the episode he’s making out with her. Tony is either the greatest Playboy known to mankind, or the biggest idiot walking the planet. I’m still trying to decide. Anyway, I’m sure most of your comments/questions tonight will be on the “Bachelor” since they usually are, but hey, I’m game for talking about any shows you may be interested. You know, as long as I watch them too.

Since the “Dratchelor” was such a big hit last week, here’s episode #3. For those that missed it last week, former SNL cast member Rachel Dratch (she of “Debbie Downer” fame) has decided to do a video recap of the show every week. She admittedly has never watched the show until this season so it’s definitely a different take from someone naive to the process and how things work. But still very funny. Enjoy…

By the way, some good “Dr. Reality Steve” questions this week. Very impressed. Keep em’ coming. You know you want to since my advice is basically spot on. Here you go…

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Dr. Reality Steve,

What are your thoughts regarding sex on the first date? Total nail in the coffin for an actual relationship? If it’s really good, maybe he’s coming back for more? Or just, f**k it…don’t overthink it, two consenting adults, and if it goes there and everyone’s having a good time, no big deal?

Comment: I don’t think there’s a universal answer to this question. For some people, yes, they look at it as a good time, but nothing with long term potential. Some are still together with someone they slept with on their first date. It’s more up to the people involved in how it’s done.

I’d say it’s a lot more common now than it was say back in the 1980’s. For sure. If this is happening and you’re in your teens, I’d say the success rate of a long term relationship from it are probably 0%. But grown adults, knowing exactly what type of situation that they’re in, sure it could work out. Sex on the first date doesn’t guarantee success or failure of any potential relationship.
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To Dr. Reality Steve,

Love your column, I have a question for you. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. We’ve been having serious problems lately and I have been seriously considering ending our relationship but was interested to hear your opinion.

We are long distance and have been for almost our entire relationship. We live about 3.5 hrs apart by bus and lead busy individual lives so only see each other for a weekend about every month and talk a couple times a week. Christmas 2013 he went overseas with his family to visit relatives and we only spoke twice and then this Christmas he also went travelling. Due to the nature of his trip and his poor organizational skills he didn’t communicate with me for three weeks. This was extremely difficult and I was on the verge of ending our relationship. However as soon as he came back he came to see me and has visited me a second time since then. Generally speaking he has problems with communication and making time for our relationship. He’s been honest that though he will try and improve this is apart of who he is and I can’t change him.

He’s put the entire responsibility of the potential break up on me, I have to make the decision. He is totally in love with me and would never break up with me, so it’s all on me which I am finding is a lot of pressure.

He is a really great, charming, funny, loving and caring person and we are a great fit in a lot of ways but I’m not sure its worth it because of the distance, communication and time problems plus his bad organizational skills. By the way, it’s over a year before we’d be able to live in the same place.

Should I end it? Or should I stick it out? I do love him, but I don’t feel like that’s enough.

Thanks!!

Comment: He has a problem making time for your relationship? Why? How? And what boyfriend goes away for 3 weeks and doesn’t communicate with you? I don’t care if he was in Timbuktu, there seems to be an issue with that. I don’t think you can chalk that up to “bad organizational skills.” That’s just flat out rude.

I’m not gonna tell you what to do because it’s not my relationship, but I can see that you guys are going to have problems moving forward. You have to ask yourself can you stick it out another year doing the long distance thing, and are his baffling organizational skills going to eventually be too much to handle? I think once you know the answers to both of those, you’ll have your answer.
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Hey ,

So a guy is married to a great gal and has a toddler. He’s been cheating for years. Says he’s the perfect husband and there’s so much trust in the marriage.

Obviously he’s a selfish douche but does he (and other men like him) actually believe he’s the perfect husband? Wouldn’t he feel guilty? Doesn’t he realize he’s just using the other chick for sex to fill some void?

What are your thoughts?

Comment: A married man is cheating? No way! I’m sure he’s convinced himself he’s the perfect husband, sure. Does it mean he is? Of course not. If you’ve been cheating on your wife for years, you’re a scum bag and you know it. He’s apparently trying to justify what he’s doing, even though there’s no real good reason why he is. Karma will eventually come back to bite him in the ass, be sure of it.

You didn’t go into much detail about who you are in this scenario. My guess is you’re either the wife or the one who he’s been having an affair with. I mean, I guess you could be an outsider and this is happening to a friend of yours, but I’ll bet you’re not. You’re one of the two involved. If you are the one he’s having an affair with, I’d end it and tell the wife. Wait, you can’t be the wife because then you would know and you would’ve left him by now. Wow, I’m solving this mystery while answering the question. So you’re the one he’s having an affair with. Just kill the affair and tell the wife. If he hasn’t left her by now, he’s not going to.
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Hi Dr. Steve,

I could use some help navigating the world of modern dating. Specifically, I’m a bit confused as to the connotations when a guy you’ve just met asks you to coffee.

Should you automatically say no if you’re not romantically interested? Or make it awkward by saying you’d like to meet as friends?

When I meet another female I’m happy to meet up and grab coffee, but when it’s a single male, there’s always the question of whether it constitutes a date. I don’t want to string a guy along, but I also like to keep connections and make new friends.

Also, I think drinks (as opposed to coffee) are automatically a date. Right?

Thanks for the advice!

Comment: Well this is a tough one since I’ve never asked a woman to coffee in my life. Coffee? How did you meet this guy and in what way did he ask you? Is it some guy off a dating site who said “Hey, lets meet for coffee some time?” If that’s the case, I guess he’s just trying to make your first “date” a little more low key. Somewhat understandable, but if you’re interested in someone, I don’t know about asking them to coffee. Seems very 1970’s-ish.

It sounds like you aren’t into this guy and don’t want to go. And it seems like you think he’s into you. I don’t think you need to tell him yes, but then follow it up with “but it’s only as friends.” Don’t do that. That’s lame. Just either say yes, or say no and take it from there. I would say it only becomes a “date” if he asks again, and or, he continues on for more than coffee if you agree to this. No harm in just meeting up with him. If you’re not interested afterwards, then let him know.

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8 Comments

8 Comments

  1. walker

    January 22, 2015 at 10:43 AM

    Re: letter written by 35 year old woman who wants a family but 5 year relationship hasn’t progressed to marriage/family.

    I personally do not believe in giving a man an ultimatum when it comes to marriage. It seems from what was written that the letter writer has been very forthcoming re. her desire for marriage and children – if the man wanted the same thing, he would have acted by now. An ultimatum in this case may push the boyfriend into marriage b/ he is scared to be alone, but will not ensure a good partnership or father for life. From my experience, more often than not when a man agrees to marry/have a baby due to an ultimatum, that marriage has ended in divorce soon after the first child arrived – leaving a single mother and sad/negatively impacted child/children. At this point, if children and marriage is her dream, let go of this relationship and look for what you want/deserve – a life partner and father to your children. Do no wait any longer. It is ok to want children and family and to look for a partner who sincerely wants the same thing – you should not have to beg/threaten for it. The sooner you get out of this going nowhere situation the sooner you can heal and get back out there to be available to find a better match to your life dream of creating a loving family. Please understand that your current boyfriend probably does love you, but just doesn’t really want the responsibility of being a husband/father which does include much financial and time sacrifice in addition to the blessings and joy of being part of a family – it is not for everyone – do not push him – he most likely will be bitter down the line and take it out on you and the kids if he feels forced to marry in order to not have the inconvenience/hardship of change of you leaving. Bottom line, if you really want kids, this is your dream, find a man who is excited to share this with you – they are out there – don’t wait until you are 40 – the time is now. Good luck!!

  2. rob22

    January 22, 2015 at 11:21 AM

    To the girl who has a boyfriend with “poor organization skills”, so poor that he can’t communicate for three weeks. Well, any guy who’s really interested in a woman will contact her regularly. I would say a minimum of once a week if he’s just a crazy busy guy. But probably more like 2-3 X week should be expected. Heck, when I travel, I call my wife nearly every day just out of respect & interest in what’s going on. Sometimes that might be a 5-10 minute call if I’m super busy, and she understands that. And there wouldn’t be anything wrong if his communications with you had to be cut short because of work obligations. However, not communicating more often shows a lack of true interest in the relationship. Sure, when he’s in town and you guys are getting naked as often as possible, he’s interested. I suspect the real reason he can’t communicate is he has another girl in the place he’s at (or travels to) and it would be difficult to contact you without alerting her to your existence & vice-versa.

  3. rob22

    January 22, 2015 at 11:40 AM

    To the girl with the “conservative” boyfriend. I honestly don’t think the fact that he’s conservative and you’re liberal will be a problem. Why? Because if it was a problem, he’d be driving you crazy & it would be a blatant issue between the two of you. Obviously he doesn’t hit you over the head with his opinions & vice versa. So, that part could work.

    However, religion is another thing all together. When you’re single, he can go to church or Bible study & it’s just something that happens when you’re not together. If you got married, you may be able to pull that off for a bit, but eventually and especially when kids come along, it will force the issue. There will be big time pressure for you to start going to church and raising kids in the faith. I think the person who hasn’t been around faith doesn’t understand how these things work. When we’re raised in the faith, yeah, we might just go off and do whatever the heck we want for a few years. But we know there will come a time when we need to return and start being more serious about it. For many, having kids is the spark for the return to taking religion seriously again.

    Now this all assumes that he’s more than nominal in his faith. If he claims a religion, but doesn’t actually practice it, that could be a different thing. Lots of people claim affiliation with a religion, but if you dig deeper, you might find that he’s been to church twice in the last 10 years. Both times at Christmas when friends took him as a prelude to some Christmas Eve bar hopping. That’s someone who may not really be serious at all about religion. But if it’s more than that, there still could be a pull back towards his religion when kids arrive, so you need to be aware of that.

    It seems that you get that, long term, it won’t work out for the two of you. So, to Steve’s point, why not have the conversation about your differences? Maybe you’re not as different as you think. I guess you could put the timer on it and end it in September, but I guess I fail to see the point. If the relationship is doomed, why keep plugging along? Have the conversation and armed with more facts, go from there.

  4. kmannone723

    January 22, 2015 at 11:46 AM

    to the girl with the “poor organization skills” guy: There should be no excuses for a guy not to contact you at least once a week especially if he has social media. My boyfriend and I make a point to at least Skype or Facebook private message at least once a week when he’s phoneless. The last I saw him was very briefly Christmas Day.

    To the girl with a possible backpedaling guy:
    I personally think you should say something to your guy about how you feel maybe not an ultimatum but say something or if you really love him and can’t imagine being without him maybe take the bull by the horns and propose to him or make a promise to him with a timeline of say 6 months to get his act together and after that length of time passes with no proposal from him(if he tried to stop you from proposing to him) then move on.

  5. vessel

    January 22, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    The sex is a “c”??? Yikes. Forget the ultimatum. Why would you want to be with someone whom you have no desire to have sex with, it happens once a month, and when it does it’s average at best? To each his own but my husband and I have been together 7 years and there is no decline whatsoever in the “gotta have you now butterflies” feeling. I’d never staywith/want to have kids with someone I wasn’t VERY physically attracted to. (Obviously the other stuff is all very important as well, I’m just speaking toward that particular aspect of her letter.) I’d get out now and find someone who you are compatible with, attracted to, and who knows what they want enough to 100% commit to you instead of making vague promises.

  6. iammesoucantbe

    January 22, 2015 at 12:50 PM

    I never post on this site, because well, I don’t feel it’s worth my time to log in and go through the trouble. However, today I obviously feel differently.

    To say that a relationship/marriage would never work because of religious difference is, well, wrong. To put it simply. Any relationship can work as long as the two people involved want it to. My husband and I have COMPLETELY different religious views. He is very religious and practices his religion regularly. I, however, do not have a religion. I’m agnostic. We have the best relationship out of anybody I know and that’s saying something. Compromise is the only way it’ll work, but it can work if you want it to. It doesn’t matter the differences. He and I also have some other fundamental differences as well and we’ve been together for 7 years, have three children, and are truly happy with our lives. I can’t imagine my live without him, and he can’t imagine his without me. I’d like to even be able to say “It was hard, but we made it work.” But, the fact of the matter is that wouldn’t be true. It wasn’t hard. We talked about it, decided we wanted to be together despite our differences and we are. Period. When we made the choice to have children we discussed how they would be raised BEFORE bringing them into the world and they are all three happy, well adjusted, kids.

    So, yes, a relationship can work with different religions or different anything…….but only if both parties involved want it to. =)

  7. vessel

    January 22, 2015 at 2:07 PM

    ^ I completely agree. I don’t think anyone can say a marriage can’t work if______ anything really, fill in the blank. It makes me NUTS when I read comments like in Sean’s season “Desiree’s crazy brother ruined it for her, you marry someone you marry their family.” Sorry but 100% doesn’t have to be true. You love someone and want to be with them what your family thinks won’t make one bit of difference. My husband’s family and I have never gotten along and aside from our child occasionally visiting his grandparents we just don’t do things with them. Simple. Anyone can make any set of circumstances work if they are in love and committed to a lifetime together. And also agree, it doesn’t have to be ‘work’ or ‘hard’ at all. For us it’s easy.

  8. rob22

    January 22, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    OK, vessel & iam: you are both correct that it can work with different religions as with bad relations with the in laws. It’s just a lot more difficult. Different religions is a big check mark in the column of potential future difficulties. So, yes, you can talk through it…. adult conversation are always required & perhaps it can work. I was just trying to layout the potential mine fields that lay in front of people that a non religious person may not understand. It happens all the time where a guy is not currently serious or semi serious about their religion now, but later on, especially with kids, then everything changes when they get more serious & expect the spouse to go along with it. It creates problems. Obviously every situation is different, and it can work out. I think, though, I wasn’t hearing that she was super interested either. It sounded like she was kneeling on the football and letting the clock run out on the relationship. That probably has a lot to do with her age. She doesn’t sound like she’s ready to be serious. There are kind of a lot of variables involved. But, to everyone’s point, why not sit down and have those adult conversations & then decide the best course. I don’t think letting the clock run out & parting in Sept. seems like an adult way to handle things. It seems more like a way to avoid having a serious conversation at all.

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