Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” and Your Live Video Chat Returns Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

As you know, the “Women Tell All” tapes next Saturday in LA. The story about Kelsey from yesterday stated that she left for Paris Tuesday and would be gone for 2 weeks. I said if that story is accurate, then she wouldn’t be there for the WTA taping. However, Kelsey’s sister took to the comment section of this article to say that Kelsey would be there. So I have no clue what’s going on anymore. I guess she will be there. Not to mention, that same girl has posted back on the link from yesterday saying that it was actually Sanderson’s father who wrote the obituary, and not Kelsey herself. Nothing but drama surrounding this girl. Seriously. And you know she’s loving every second of it. At this point, I really don’t care whether she is or isn’t at the WTA. That’s not important. What is important is that the WTA represents one of my favorite annual occurrences in BachelorNation, and that’s which former “Bachelorette” contestants will invite themselves to the WTA after party to starting stalking their prey on Chris’ girls. Robert Graham and Zack Kalter must be salivating over next Saturday night looking at this new meat they can try to stick their teeth into. I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

Your episode-by-episode spoilers are here for your convenience. After Monday’s episode, you probably won’t need them much anymore. Didn’t have all the details of the first 5 episodes, but from episode 6 on, it’s all there.

Don’t forget the live video chat tonight right here at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. Taking all your questions on everything “Bachelor” related and any other shows you wanna get caught up on. Still need to watch the “Challenge” from this week, but other than that, I’m pretty caught up on everything. See you tonight.

Here are your “Dr. Reality Steve” emails for the week. Lets all pray for the dude who has trouble getting it up. Moment of silence…
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Checking in with the doctor… My best friend & I have been friends for fifteen years. I love her to death & would do anything for her. She’s married & has been married for five years now. Her husband & her have been together a total of seven years (so they dated for two years, then got married). When she went to meet his family for the first time (they had been dating for three months at this point), she ended up performing oral sex on his brother. She told me about it right away & I kind of just laughed it off since this is very typical of her seeing as she’s never had a serious relationship at this point and is all about just having a good time with men. I asked her why she did that & she responded that the relationship wasn’t serious, so she didn’t care. Well, that relationship has turned serious & now they’re married. Since them being married, I have gotten to know her husband better. He’s a genuinely nice guy, has good moral values & loves my friend so much. I have never seen two people that truly look like they are made for one another. So, this brings me to my dilemma.

A couple weeks ago I went to lunch with just her & brought up the time she was with his brother. I asked if her husband ever found out from his brother or her & she said no, he had no idea. She said though that she wished she could tell him as it fills her with guilt daily, but she thinks telling him will be the end of their relationship. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her she needs to tell him, or should I just mind my own business since it doesn’t involve me? I have become friends with the husband, so every time I’m hanging out with them, I just feel like I’m lying to him & he doesn’t deserve that. I feel like an accomplice, so now I’m being ridden with guilt. So maybe I should tell him? Or is that breaking “girl code” as she is my best friend & I just need to stand by whatever she decides? But then again, she knows she made a mistake & it was in the beginning of their relationship which she didn’t think was serious at the time, so maybe there’s no need to ruin the relationship by telling him.

Any advice you can give me on this situation will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance for taking the time out to read my situation. Looking forward to reading what you have to say.

Comment: I wouldn’t tell him. Hell, maybe he does know because his brother told him but he’s chosen to ignore it and not bring it up. I don’t think this situation has anything to do with you other than you know both of them. If you found out one of them was carrying on an affair and it was killing you not to say anything, then yes, I’d step in. But for this? No. It’s their situation to deal with. It happened a long time ago when they were dating. It’s her decision whether or not she should tell him, not yours. I’d stay out of it.

As for her, she’s in a tough position. Honesty is the best policy, and maybe some day she has to have a sit down with the three of them, but I don’t know when that time is. They’re 7 years into their relationship. This happened at month 3. I’m guessing if they haven’t had the talk now, they’re not going to have it.
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Since you’ve been getting alot of updates lately, I thought I’d send mine. I wrote 2 years ago regarding how to handle friends, family, and even acquaintances who kept giving me unsolicited updates on my ex-husband’s life as much as 2 years after the divorce (even though we had no kids and had cut all ties). I used to live in a town of 120k people, so it was a somewhat small town where everyone knew each other through 1 degree of separation, and gossip gets around quickly.

Anyway, I got re-married and moved to another state shortly after I had written you, and the good news is, the updates have stopped. With my new job, new husband, new house, new dog, etc., I guess the ex-husband subject just wasn’t top-of-mind anymore. I think people were finally ready to accept that I was over it.

Whenever I go back to visit, I’m a little wary about running into certain people–the type of nosy folks who love to get the inside scoop, even if it means putting people on the spot about deeply personal things. But I suppose you’ll get that anywhere. There will always be people who love to stir the pot, and then act like they were asking out of “concern”. Kinda like what Elan must do to the contestants on the Bachelor. My canned response is “out of respect for my husband, I don’t talk about previous relationships.”

Comment: Good to hear. I never understood why people were giving you updates on your ex 2 years after the fact, but I guess the small town factor had something to do with it. I’m sure you’re glad that’s over. Thanks for filling us in and congrats on the new marriage and new life.
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Dear Dr. Reality Steve,

Here is an update about my relationship, here is the original email (first email)

http://realitysteve.com/2014/07/17/the-bachelorette-andi-spoilers-reader-emails-dr-reality-steve-8/5/

First of all, I wanted to thank you and thank your wonderful readers (Jillicious, Vessel, Vicky15, Mariet, Karynr, Deedee99, Keddo, Jovismom, Val717). I was very moved when I read your answer and their thoughtful answers, their sharing of their stories and their and your advice. I can’t describe enough the impact they had on me but suffice to say that I have kept your and their wisdom in mind during the months that followed.

Since you asked on your column for us to send you an update, here it is: After my letter to you, I ended up not moving in with him, we just continued dating. Fast forward seven months later, I’m no longer in a relationship with him. I still love him, deeply. You wrote on your answer to my original email “why?” and I have been trying to understand myself and the reason why I love a man like that. Yes, we were really attracted to each other, sex was fantastic and it continued to improve over the months as we got to trust each other more. Yes, he had the ability to be caring, and was indeed caring some of the time, and had some kind gestures when I wasn’t expecting them, such as picking me up from the airport even if it was really late and he had to work early the next day. Yes, we liked doing the same things and he is really smart so I always enjoyed our time together.

We broke up a couple of weeks ago after he told me he was no longer sure he wanted to marry me and was not ready anymore to have kids with me. At least he was honest… although sometimes he was “too” honest and said hurtful things that came into his mind, I realized he didn’t have a lot of filter between his thoughts and his words getting out of his mouth, which sometimes caused some fights or hurt feelings on my end. He told me he thought he was not going to make me happy and he was concerned about our ability to be together without fighting. He also told me that I was expecting him to do the same things I did for him and he wasn’t going to.

Add to this that his best friend and other people were always asking him why he wasn’t dating around for fun younger women and playing the field rather than settling down again (I was his first relationship after his divorce). I guess that mattered to him in the end.

I still love him very much and I truly thought we could make it work and I feel terrible because I feel that at times I asked too much from him when he wasn’t ready and that I screwed up multiple times by getting frustrated and upset when he just wanted some peace. In a nutshell, I feel terrible, but things are still too recent so I’m hopeful that I’ll feel better over time.

Here is a pathetic detail: the week we broke up, I went to bed early those days crying myself to sleep because I was so terribly sad that I didn’t want to deal with the outside world. Well, it seems that he was actually out because he texted me some nonsense at 2am that Friday night (he used to send me texts at 2am only when he was out clubbing or drinking with his best friend, otherwise he is very disciplined to go to bed at 11p because he starts working early). So there you go.

BTW, I wanted to clarify that I wasn’t attracted to him because of the lifestyle he could provide because frankly he never provided any. He is actually a bit cheap and he is still paying a very large alimony to his ex-wife, so he used whatever money left to spoil his kids and buy expensive clothes for him. Whenever we went out I would pay, or pay half of the bill or pay for my ticket if we went to the movies. He didn’t use to pay for me and his gifts to me (Christmas, birthday) were always small although I appreciated them because I could tell he did spend time thinking about them (e.g. a CD of my favorite band, or a book he thought I would enjoy). I never minded that part because I earn enough to sustain myself and I loved him.

Anyway, thanks for everything and thanks to your kind readers.

Comment: I appreciate the update. You made the right decision.

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5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. vessel

    February 12, 2015 at 10:13 AM

    To the 3rd letter, how kind of you, and I’m so glad I could offer any words at that time that may have given comfort. You sound like a loving, caring, and quite thoughtful person, and I am sorry for the pain that you’re in right now. Break-ups are simply awful even if it’s ultimately for the best, we’ve all been there at one time or another, please know that. You say that you’re “hopeful you’ll feel better over time.” You will, without question. For now when you’re feeling your lowest just know this is one of many experiences/challenges that’s helping you know more about who you are and what you need in a partner. You’ll get through it, all my best :)

  2. rob22

    February 12, 2015 at 12:56 PM

    Letter #1 – Yeah, stay out of the issue with the brother and your friend. Nothing good will ever come of getting involved. Most likely you’ll be in some way blamed for it, or for knowing about it and not doing something sooner (even just knowing what you know could come back on you). See the email on Page 2 where the person in the middle of things ended up getting nailed & blamed, even if they didn’t spill the beans… or really do anything besides listen. BTW: I had this happen to me when I was in my 20s. Two buddies of mine were having a very contentious business dispute. All I did was try to reconcile the two of them (it seemed like a big blown of proportion misunderstanding) & then it got all turned around & both of them thought I was supporting the other person. Boom. Lost two friends over that & I did nothing wrong except stick my nose into something that was none of my business. I also found myself having to explain things to a myriad of people who heard from both of my buddies what a cancer/bad guy/bad friend I was. I sure didn’t see that coming. Learned from that, for sure. Stay out of these types of volatile situations. You can’t help, but you can hurt things for them & for yourself.

    With the email on page 2 with the mean girls who stole a painting. I hesitate to even report the painting. If she’d reported it right away, maybe. But now, with everything going on, the other girl could claim that YOU stole the painting and are trying to blame it on her. Also, the timing could be a problem & she could maybe say that you were involved in the theft with her. And since you knew about it, and didn’t report it immediately, at minimum it might look like you had something to do with it to your boss. (See note above on getting involved with things that aren’t your business.) The whole thing could blow back on you. To me, it’s kind of a “Danger, Will Robinson” situation. These things have a way of coming back at you. Think long and hard before you go down this road. The better solution would be to completely distance yourself from these people and move on. Never look back. These are not friends. These are drinking buddies or acquaintances. Honestly, I’d start looking for another job (don’t tell anyone). There is a chance that all this drama will implode your career there too. Don’t be unprepared for that. Most bosses hate drama, especially involving theft, and may look to clean house of any perceived cancers. Bosses often look for simple solutions. Crap is going on… it appears to be related to 2-3 people…it’s effecting the office environment…. if I get rid of them, no more problems.

    It’s hard to predict how these things will play out. The law of unintended consequences definitely applies. Dive in at your own peril.

  3. biogeek

    February 12, 2015 at 5:10 PM

    I’ve never commented on ANYTHING on the internet before but I might actually be able to provide some useful information to the email-er concerned about her man’s machinery.
    I teach a class on stress and how it affects various body systems (like the reproductive system). You can use something called the “stamp test” to see if the issue is physiological or Psychological (you can also get this tested by a doctor with a tumescence machine but generally guys don’t seem to like having weird machines attached to their junk).
    If all machinery is working properly then a man will typically get an erection during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. For the stamp test, get a line of stamps and form a ring snugly around your man’s flaccid penis before he goes to sleep. If the plumbing is working properly he should get an erection and the stamp ring will break during his sleep.
    If this happens, then the problem is likely Psychological. In order for a man to get an erection the parasympathetic nervous system has to be active (the “rest and digest” system, if you will). When someone is stressed the sympathetic system is active (the “fight or flight” system). These systems can’t be active at the same time. If a dude gets an erection and starts to think about something stressful that can lead to premature ejaculation because the sympathetic system controls ejaculation while the parasympathetic system controls arousal (i.e., getting an erection). If a man is stressed in general it can be hard to get an erection in the first place because the sympathetic system will be active instead of the parasympathetic system. Basically, your dude may need to relax (easier said than done when not being able to get an erection also starts to stress you out).

    One thing he can do is start to take deep, slow breaths (exhaling longer than he inhales) because exhaling can activate the parasympathetic system (this is why most relaxation techniques involve deep breathing).

    Another thing to try would be to incorporate a vibrator or toys into your lovemaking. This strategy could help your man relax and achieve an erection because all the pressure is not on his junk to pleasure you. If you start off with the vibrator and you both start to get really into things he might relax enough to achieve and maintain an erection (and knowing that if the erection does fade he can always go back to using the toys to pleasure you will take some of the pressure off having to maintain that erection).

    I hope some of this comment will be helpful for you. I’m not a medical doctor but I do hold a PhD.

    All my best wishes for more steamy and satisfying love making in your future!
    – Your Friendly Neighbourhood BioGeek

  4. ineedcoffeekthx

    February 13, 2015 at 11:15 AM

    Responding to the woman with the 36 year old boyfriend with performance issues: Just about any of these can happen infrequently but to have all of them happen, and with some frequency, is definitely a problem. I would HIGHLY recommend a full medical checkup. Another issue might be whether he is overusing porn and therefore not allowing sufficient time to “recharge”. It’s one thing to have trouble from time to time getting hard but to become flaccid after becoming fully erect and even penetration is more serious. I think there are quite a few of us that have never had that happen. Stress can cause some of these but not all. Having some drinks beforehand is a really good way to ease stress if that is the only problem. Doesn’t sound like it is, though. The frequency and diversity of symptoms is not at all normal. Get him to an urologist.

  5. mfp123

    February 16, 2015 at 1:53 AM

    For the last letter about the American boyfriend/cultural backgrounds, to answer your questions: in American culture, it’s not as common to start discussing marriage and kids after a few months of dating. It can happen, but most of the time, guys are just trying to figure out stuff like… if they like their job or should they look for something else, if the fav sports team is going to make the playoffs, if they should get DirectTv but wait they won’t get Red Zone WTF, is Uber really the best way to get the group together for a beer fest tour, etc. An American man can be ready for marriage at age 18, or not ready until age 45, it just depends on the circumstances. But I want you to know that it’s normal for you to date for 6 months and not meet his family. What if they are racist, or just plain mean/rude people? What if his uncle is like the character Drunk Uncle from SNL? He might be trying to protect you from that. As for his friends – some guys have their prospective dates meet their best friends right away. My friend met up with her date for the first time at a bar, surrounded by all his friends. Other times, a guy might want to date for a while, see how things are going, without the opinion of a ton of other people. It’s not a red flag that you haven’t met his friends. He seems normal and ok to me. I want you to know, it is so important that you guys are moving at the same pace in a relationship emotionally. It’s a turn-off to have someone be like, “I love you. Let’s do this. Let’s get married,” and you’re thinking, “woah what? I don’t know if you are the right person for me, because you are way into me, and now I’m uncomfortable.” It makes it harder for romantic feelings to develop, because it feels so one-sided. So my suggestion is to just focus on having fun together. Don’t bring up the future, marriage, meeting family, meeting friends, babies, etc. Just enjoy the time right now. And really take a look at him to see if he is what you want. If you can’t stop talking and thinking about those things, and he can’t get there with you, then he probably isn’t the guy for you. You deserve happiness, and if meeting someone and making future plans right away is what you need and want, then go find that person. Best wishes to you :).

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