Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

I’m sick. I hate being sick. It’s never fun. Granted, it’s not like this is bad at all. Nothing flu-like or anything of the such. It’s just my nose is running all day long and I used up a full box of tissues yesterday. So yes, tonight during the live video chat (which I might cut short depending on how crappy I feel), I’m going to turn into the male Kelsey as I sniffle my way through the whole broadcast. You’ve been warned. Doesn’t mean I won’t take all your questions on anything and everything having to do with the “Bachelor” and now “Bachelorette,” which starts filming next week. The announcement will be made on the ATFR Monday night, so you can expect to see Kaitlyn in that role, despite the numerous rumors circulating. Of course production keeps saying they haven’t made their decision and it’s the toughest one yet, but they know what they’ve decided. We’re now only 4 days away from the finale. Yay. I’ve waited over 3 months for this day to happen. Finally it’ll be over. Been working on “Bachelorette” stuff for the last month or so, so I will reveal the first few guys to you in Tuesday’s column. I said filming started either Tuesday the 10th or Wednesday the 11th. I think it’s gonna be Wednesday night.

A few of you have asked me this week (including one in “Reader Emails”) about this information I had all season that I didn’t share but I’m going to share on Tuesday. Just wanted to specify that this bit of info I didn’t share was more for my own good. It just would’ve led to a bunch of unwarranted emails and questions that didn’t need to be brought up. So is it something major? Not really. But if I would’ve given it to you back in November or December, or before the season started, trust me it would’ve been something that would’ve come up probably every week if I had. You’ll know once I tell you on Tuesday why I didn’t share it earlier. Would’ve led to a bunch of speculation that I couldn’t prove, and I just didn’t feel like dealing with it so I’ll share it after the fact. You’ll see. It’s not major, but it’s somewhat significant. On to “Dr. Reality Steve”…
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Hi Steve,

This season of the bachelor has been particularly difficult to watch, mostly because I can’t enjoy wine with the show. I’m pregnant and although it is a planned pregnancy, it is my first and I’m having a hard time adjusting.

My husband and I dated for 2 years, just got married a couple months ago but are both in our 30s and didn’t want to wait longer to have children. This is both of our first (and only) marriage and neither of us have other kids. I want to stress that I have a wonderful loving husband who has been to the prenatal exams, is ecstatic to be having a child, and would never even consider cheating on me.

Since I’m in the first trimester, I’m not showing and I haven’t been physically ill much but I constantly feel like I’ve had one too many rides on the tilt-a-whirl. My husband is understanding that I feel awful and I try not to whine about it much. However, the problem is the OB said it was fine to continue having sex while pregnant. I could kill that woman for saying that!

We have always had great sex that both of us enjoy. However, now it isn’t as enjoyable for me and yet I don’t want to keep turning him away. We are still newlyweds and I understand he isn’t feeling any different.

So my question is, as a guy, would you rather be denied sex for what could potentially last for months, or would you rather have sex even if you could knew it was uncomfortable for your partner? I don’t want to become the wife that is never in the mood.

And you couldn’t possibly know the answer to this, so I’m hoping someone from the comments section can help. If you have had a child, does sex ever go back to “normal”?

Sincerely,
Painfully Pregnant
(That was for you Steve, I’m not big into the alliterations)

Comment: You know how last week all of the “Dr. Reality Steve” emails missed the boat on the alliterations in their signature? Well this week it’s basically the exact opposite. Almost everyone gives one.

From what I’ve heard, your sex life will decrease dramatically once you have a child. Not for lack of interest, or lack of physical chemistry with your husband, or even lack of desire. It’s just that your child will become the focal point of everything you do day in and day out that it’s easier to put it off. Sure you’ll still have it occasionally, but the frequency won’t be nearly as close what it was pre-child. Of course, every couple is different and maybe it will be with you guys, but that’s the consensus. Has nothing to do with how much you guys love each other, but everything to do with how much your life now revolves around someone else and not yourselves, that you can keep putting it off every night.

As for during the pregnancy, that’s a whole different ball game I would imagine. I think the guy has to have some expectation that the sex life is gonna die down a bit during pregnancy. Lets face it, most women don’t feel their sexiest carrying around a giant bowling ball in their stomach, so insecurities probably have something to do with it. He just needs to get over it if you’re not in the mood or it’s just too uncomfortable.
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Paging Doctor Steve. Doctor Steve to e-mail 101.

I have a friendship question, not a relationship question, so I’m hoping you can still send some advice this way.

My best friend, Skyler, and I have been best friends for twenty years (basically our whole lives). We have been through thick & thin together, whether it was boy drama, distance drama, high school drama, you name it, we’ve been through it & overcame it. I honestly thought nothing could ever come between us. We were each others’ maids of honors, picking one other over our own sisters. I would die for this girl. Skyler is more than a friend; she is my family,

When I got married two years ago, my husband’s job had us move out-of-state to a neighboring state. I now live five hours away from Skyler, so we don’t get to see each other as often, but we talk, text, communicate in some way every day. And we try to see one another every other month on a weekend trip. A couple months ago we spent Christmas together and had a great time.

January fifth will go down as one of the worse days of my life. I went to my gynecologist for a regular check-up, had some blood work done, no big deal. Routine stuff. That day, my doctor found a lump in my breast. He was worried that I had cancer. My heart sank. I felt sick and hopeless, but that’s another story. Anyways, down in the dumps I was, I texted Skyler at work and told her what was going on. She was shocked and told me to stay positive, that I didn’t know anything 100% yet. Also if there was anything I needed, let her know & she would be there in five hours. She said she would call me later than evening.

I never received a call from her, but I know she’s busy, so I thought nothing of it. I went & had some testing done the next day, tried calling her afterwards, but nothing. Texted her to say I survived tests & I still had not heard anything from her. I was beginning to think something was wrong with her. My next thought was to check her social media & then saw she had been updating her Facebook, posting photos of herself with some other friends. I figured she was busy with friends & would get back to me when she could. Fast forward to today & she continues to ignore me. I called, texted, Facebook messaged, etc., everything i could to think of to get a hold of her. Nothing. I know she gets my messages because it says “seen” on Facebook & she’s active on there, but she won’t respond no matter how hard I try. I’m going through a very difficult time in my life & need her now more than ever. I never thought a medical issue would break us. What did I do wrong? Do you think she’s separating herself from me because she’s scared to lose me? But what friend does that? If it was her, I would be there, by her side, holding her hand the whole way. What can I do to get her back in my life, or has she shown her true colors & I should just end the friendship for good since she’s not there for me? Desperately needing advice/help her.

Sincerely,
Forsaken Friend

Comment: Just know you did nothing wrong. This is on her.

So since Jan. 5th, the day you initially saw the doctor, you still haven’t heard from her? That’s a sh***y thing to do honestly. She hasn’t even checked to see how you are? I couldn’t tell from the email if you said the lump ended up being cancerous or not? Regardless, she hasn’t even checked in? It certainly looks like to me if you’ve really tried getting a hold of her through all those avenues, and she hasn’t responded in now exactly 2 months to the day, doesn’t look like she’s going to respond. Why? I have no idea. I’m sure at some point later on down the line you’ll hear from her if you guys were that close, then maybe you can ask her, but until then I wouldn’t focus on her. It sucks and I’m sure you have a million questions, but it looks like you have yourself to worry about now more than her. Geesh, what a bitch.

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14 Comments

14 Comments

  1. amyrn22

    March 5, 2015 at 10:12 AM

    Good news for Painfully Pregnant… I just had my first child a few months ago…. At first, I had horrible morning (all day) sickness) and didn’t want my husband anywhere near me. Sometime in the second trimester, things got better, and I felt better, more energetic, etc. I have never wanted sex more in my life. We did it every day and it was great. It was like I finally accepted my pregnant body and my husband thought I was sexier than ever. Now after baby, that’s another story. Steve hit it head on…. after baby, you’re so tired, and so sick of taking care of someone else 24 hours a day that at the end of the day, the last thing you feel like doing is having sex. The “no sex for 6 weeks rule” was great, but now we’re past that, and I have just have to suck it up and do it sometimes. Wine helps. So do date nights in which we both take a shot of vodka before we even leave the house. :) Things do change, but different doesn’t always mean worse. Good luck on your pregnancy!

  2. dfall

    March 5, 2015 at 10:37 AM

    Have to agree with stumped and clueless as I had the same experince. Men are intimidated by a successful woman. The right man will think that your success is an asset. Believe he is out there and be yourself. Mine came, albiet a little later in life. Been hapily married almost 10 years now.

  3. fcew

    March 5, 2015 at 10:39 AM

    Everyone is different. Sex was a complete no for me during pregnancy, so we went 9+ months without it. Our daughter slept in our room until she was about 3 months old, which is when sex started up again. But it’s been relatively back to normal since then.

  4. keddo

    March 5, 2015 at 11:03 AM

    Painfully Pregnant,
    I’ll add to what amryn22 says: When the baby no longer gets you up to be fed, etc. at all hours it will get easier. Also, when the kid gets to an age when she wants to sleep with you, allow it occasionally, but most of the time insist she sleeps in her own bed.

    Forsaken Friend,
    Get in touch with whichever of your friend’s parents or siblings you know the best, explain what’s happening, and ask them what to do. Hopefully they can offer insight, and possibly on their own initiative (not at your request), get in your friend’s face about their crappiness.

    Aggravated in Arizona,
    You, and any other woman of any age who is getting unwanted boundary-crossing attention should read the book “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. Look it up and read the reviews if you like, or just risk the $10 or less and buy it right away. You won’t regret the read. Even if you aren’t fearful of your coworker, De Becker offers excellent advise concerning people who won’t take “no” for an answer.

    Movie theatre girl,
    If a guy says you should do something together “one day”, that is NOT asking you out. Asking you out consists of actual solid plans. Don’t waste mental/emotional energy on this guy until he actually asks you out. He knows you’re interested and will do something about it if he is more than just curious about you.

    Stumped and Clueless,
    Men worthy of you are NOT turned off by successful, non-needy women. Worthy men, however, may need to know you’re interested in them in order to get the courage to ask you out, and some men are not tuned in to subtle clues.

  5. V1Man

    March 5, 2015 at 12:17 PM

    Is there anything sexier than a woman who knows who she is and what she wants? I think not. This Alpha Male stuff is greatly overrated — even for big-time players like Arie. There are a lot of us who are also comfortable in who he are, have healthy egos and have achieved success prefer women with whom we can be full and complete partners.
    ~~~
    If you are having problems with a coworker who makes you uncomfortable through his unwanted advances, save those email, texts, etc. Should he or she become your supervisor later, your future lawyer will be delighted that you made his or her work so much easier.

  6. arod

    March 5, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    Stumped and Clueless,

    Guys tend to have a sixth sense when it comes to how much the woman wants a relationship. I’m guessing they get the feeling from you that you either are ready to settle down or that you want it to be on your terms. You’ve got to focus on EVERYTHING and anything else but finding a man, and then the guys will come to you. When the time comes, you simply have to choose one.

  7. vessel

    March 5, 2015 at 3:05 PM

    To the pregnant emailer-the answer is everyone is different. When I was pregnant (all 3 times) I never wanted sex more, and I didn’t have any decline afterward in how interested I was. We resumed relations 2 weeks after delivery (the OB/Gyn I worked for at the time assured me it was fine, IE: I wasn’t bleeding, didn’t have stitches, etc.) and yeah frequency changed just because the baby slept in bed with us and nursing took up a lot of time, etc. But it wasn’t for lack of desire.

    That said I have known plenty of women who just didn’t have ANY sex drive for quite a long time after having the baby. However you feel, and how you manage for yourself is perfectly normal, don’t force yourself to do something until you’re feeling it. Pregnancy and new Motherhood is a big deal, and I’m sure your husband will be as understanding as he can about that. It’s a big deal for him, as well! Congrats, and be kind to yourself!

  8. bostoncpa

    March 5, 2015 at 3:28 PM

    About pregnancy- I’m towards the end of my 2nd trimester and while it’s gotten better, I don’t have much of a sex drive. However, that is a vast improvement over my 1st trimester were I didn’t want sex (now I’m just indifferent). As your belly gets bigger, it will take some adjusting to get into a comfortable position (and I feel like a turtle), but that hasn’t been a huge deal. Everyone is different, but we definitely have less sex than we did before.

  9. justforfun

    March 5, 2015 at 9:21 PM

    Forsaken Friend- it sounds like your friend is breaking up with you. Granted, she is doing it in a very immature way, like a guy that just stops answering your calls. :( You may never know why, some people are not comfortable ending a friendship so they take the easy way out. I wouldn’t contact her again, move on with your life. Sadly, not all friendships are forever.

  10. katieottawa

    March 6, 2015 at 4:36 AM

    This is for the forsaken friend- I know too well how you are feeling. Same thing happened to me last year with my best friend of 15+years. I had moved away too but still kept in touch daily. I got really sick all of a sudden and after having tests done I was told that I needed to have my gallbladder removed. There were complications from stone blockage that had caused me to have liver and pancreatic damage. Honestly 2 weeks after I told her I was really sick and was waiting to have surgery for my gallbladder, she stopped answering my calls, wasnt calling me back. When I mentioned trying to have surgery quicker in her city, she told me to not count on her to take me to the hospital because she was too busy with work. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I did call her out for being a crappy friend and not being there for me during this difficult time and she took that opportunity to disappear. I never heard back from her after that. It was very hard going through the ordeal on my own without her support. No question, difficult ordeals like this can make or break a friendship. Just like in my situation, your friend has shown her true colors and how little she truly is invested in your friendship. Even if you hear back from her and she gives you some BS excuse, best to cut your loses and move on, as you will never be able to forget, forgive or even trust her in the future.

  11. jlj02

    March 6, 2015 at 11:55 AM

    Painfully Pregnant,
    This definitely will vary by person and relationship, but here’s my take. I would talk to your husband about how you feel and get his take. My husband didn’t want me to be uncomfortable during sex while I was pregnant and I didn’t want him to have unfulfilled needs, so we figured out what worked for us. Sometimes he served me by just not getting any action and other times I would serve him by finding ways to fill those needs. Communication is the most important thing there!

    As for after, newborns are tough and sex after baby can be painful (it was only temporary for me though). Just keep communicating and you’ll figure out what works for you. My 2 kids are 6 and 8 now…we have sex at least 4 times a week and it’s great. So, it does get better!!

  12. rob22

    March 6, 2015 at 3:19 PM

    “I have been single by choice for about 10 years. I am not really looking for someone”…. “not really actively pursuing one (a relationship)”. “My question to you is why are men intimidated, turned off by a successful non needy woman.”

    Your comments speak for themselves. By your own words, you are happy being single and not really looking for a relationship. So, somehow then you think guys are somehow intimidated by you?

    No, they’re picking up the vibe… or you may be telling them directly that you’re not interested in what anyone is selling. Guys aren’t going to bother with someone who don’t seem to be on the market. I guarantee that it’s not that you’re successful or that they’re intimidated. Some guys love that.

  13. rob22

    March 7, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    Just to add: I often see high powered career women with less than high powered guys. Often, those guys are not terribly ambitious & have basic, non demanding jobs. Some are even “house husbands”. Not always, but I can see the logic. If both of are you high powered, then why would you need one another. In fact, you’ll probably annoy one another. Balance is good & high powered people need someone different than they are to help balance out their lives. On the flip side, non ambitious people realize they need balance too. If they marry a non ambitious person, then they’ll live a more modest life than they might like.

  14. erolyn

    March 8, 2015 at 10:36 PM

    Forsaken Friend:

    I was diagnosed with cancer in college, and my best friend at the time acted almost exactly the same way as your friend. We had been friends since grade school and I took a trip down to her college so I could tell her in person that I was sick. My first surgery happened right before Thanksgiving break and she said she’d come see me when she was home visiting her parents. After that, I didn’t hear from her for six months – after my treatment was pretty much over.

    She tried to contact me several times over the next few months and I ignored them all. She tried to tell me she had been “scared”; never mind the fact that I and my family were just as scared, and she obviously didn’t care much about our feelings…just her own.

    Selfish people will always be selfish. There’s nothing you can do about it and you’re better off without them in your life. I know that’s not what you want to hear, and believe me, I know exactly how much it hurts when people you love abandon you when you need them most. But several years later, I’m cancer-free, doing great, and next month I’ll be the maid of honor at the wedding of my current and forever BFF, who brought me Disney movies in the hospital and sat with me at home on my 21st birthday when I was too sick from radiation treatments to go out. Because that’s what real friends do…and your real friends will do the same. I promise.

    Good luck. Stay strong.

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