Ahhhh, it’s finally upon us. Your first episode was released to the media yesterday and, luckily, I got a chance to view it early for the 7th consecutive season. I know some of you will ask, “Where can I watch it?” You can’t. It’s username and password protected. Can’t give that out. Sorry. As we know, next week is the premiere, but since we know there’s two “Bachelorettes,” they’re going to drag out the first episode and make it two episodes. Monday night (2 hrs) is the episode that was released yesterday, and it ends with Chris Harrison about to reveal who the “Bachelorette” is, so there’s your cliffhanger. Tuesday night (1 hr) will start with the reveal that Kaitlyn was chosen and begin her cocktail party and first rose ceremony. Good thing that’s only an hour because we already saw her talk to a few guys in Monday’s episode. Probably a lot of the same conversations. Anyway, today’s column will give you all the spoilers you need to know for what happens in Monday’s episode. There are two themes to episode 1: Which one do the guys like and, well, Ryan McDill. We’ve seen the first night drunk on this show before. Happens every season. You’ve just never seen first night drunk like Ryan McDill. McDill should become a verb after Monday night. Like, “I went out last night and got totally McDill’ed.” There is ZERO drama on night one outside of Ryan McDill. He’s the center of it all. If you like to drink and act a fool, you’ll think it’s funny. Parts of it are. But if you watch this show as a hopeless romantic and think this stuff is real, then you’ll probably hate him. More on Ryan later.
The only “Bachelor/ette” recapper that I follow consistently is the “Right Reasons” podcast on Grantland.com with Dave Jacoby and Juliet Litman. I’ve promoted them numerous times throughout the years because they’re stuff is really good. And for the fact that they’ve had me on and give me shout outs. Shout out to Dave and Juliet. However, they don’t talk spoilers so it’s tough to watch/listen/read them sometimes since they are either A) legitimately don’t know what happens or B) have read spoilers but don’t talk about them, and that’s what makes it tough for me. Knowing what happens on this show and hearing people talk about it who don’t know (or pretend not to know) is pretty useless to me. However, despite not talking spoilers, Dave and Juliet still do a great job on their own because they think outside the box when it comes to this show. Well, Wednesday night they held a live “Right Reasons” podcast breaking down the “Bachelorette” bios that you can view here. WARNING: There is cursing involved:
Dave also has his weekly Friday column up talking bio breakdown” target=”_blank”>about the bios, which is more or less a condensed version of their broadcast Wednesday night. Also, they don’t do anything to reference the fact Kaitlyn was chosen, so keep that in mind when watching. They know Kaitlyn is the “Bachelorette,” they just couldn’t talk about it. Also, Kaitlyn and Britt both did a conference call with the media this week that was a colossal waste of time because neither of them talked about anything outside of the first night. They couldn’t even address who the “Bachelorette” was, so, that call is a whole lot of nothing.
As a reminder, your episode-by-episode spoilers are coming Monday. It will have everything you need to know about the season in it. As for episode 1, here’s what you’ll see on Monday:
-9 guys got intro videos: Jonathan, Joe, Josh, Brady, Joshua, Ian, Jared, Tony, and Ben Z.
-Joe Bailey is from small town Columbia, KY and his accent is THICK. Like, thicker than we’ve probably ever heard on this show. Very, very, very country accent. He will be well liked this season and you can mark him down for “Bachelor in Paradise.” Heard he’s in. So yeah, he doesn’t win.
-Josh’s intro video was just as I had told you – filmed at a male strip club with women running their hands on him, one woman straddling him, him taking a dollar bill out of a woman’s mouth, and basically everything you’d expect to see out of a male stripper.
-Ian talked about his track days at Princeton but was also in a major car accident and almost died. He was in a coma for a day and a half.
-Tony is just an odd bird. He’s all into the zen meditation, tries to sound really deep when he isn’t, and he talks to his plants. Cuck-koo, Cuck-koo.
-In some of the vidoes, the guys would say which girl they were hoping would be the “Bachelorette.” Jonathan and Brady said in theirs they wanted Britt. Joshua, Joe, Ian, and Jared picked Kaitlyn. Tony, Ben Z., and Josh never said in their video which one they liked better.
-As for the limo entrances, they really did cut down on the gimmicks this season since each guy had to basically introduce himself to two girls. For pretty much all of the guys, you saw them greet both girls. The question would be, which girl would you go to first? Here’s the order of limo entrances on the show and in parentheses which girl they approached first. If they did anything noteworthy, that’s added in there as well.
Ben H. (Kaitlyn) – But when he went to Britt, he “lost his words” and both sponsor children, so that was a big deal to both of them.
Ryan B. (Britt)
Jared (Britt) – Unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt, except it had an “L” for “Love Man.”
As we all know, these limo entrances are shown out of the real order they actually happened, and once 6 of the first 7 guys they show all went to Britt first, you could tell they were setting Kaitlyn up to the be the underdog and making you think all the guys wanted Britt. During these first 7 entrances, Kaitlyn doing a lot of ITM’s about feeling uncomfortable and feeling that the guys all wanted Britt. Total misdirection since we all know what’s going to happen.
Cory S. (Kaitlyn)
Ian (Kaitlyn) – Even whispers in her ear “I’m hoping it’s gonna be you” before walking over to Britt. Ian is definitely TeamKaitlyn. He makes that quite known this episode.
JJ (Kaitlyn) – Being a hockey player and knowing Kaitlyn is from Canada (and has two ex’s who played hockey) went with the most creative entrance of the night, if not a little on the dirty side. Gave her a puck and said, “I would love to puck you.” To which she responded “You pucked me good.” He went over to Britt and apologized for not having a puck for her but did say he’d like to “puck her too.”
Ryan M. (Kaitlyn) – He was already sauced by the time he got out of the limos, so he probably doesn’t even remember who he went to first. He declared once he stepped out of the limo with arms wide spread, “Honeys, I’m home!” I think he even told Kaitlyn he was obsessed with her. Or maybe that was the alcohol talking.
Brad They never show his walk to the girls, we just see him talking to both of them who are right next to each other, so can’t really say who he went to first. But since he played tennis in college, he had on a headband and had a racket saying it was a “love love match.” Tennis humor. Always a knee slapper.
Daniel (Kaitlyn) – He was dancing.
Josh (Britt) – Unbuttoned his shirt, let the women feels his abs, tried to girnd up against both, may have passed on an STD.
Joe (Kaitlyn) – Gave her a jar of moonshine since he’s out of his element and this reminded him of home.
Justin (Kaitlyn) – Had balloons and sucked the helium out of them.
Tanner (Britt) – Watched last season, knew she cried a lot, so he brought her some tissues as a gift.
Shawn B. – Asked for a group hug so technically never went to one girl first. But lets make one thing perfectly clear this episode: Shawn B. is in love with Kaitlyn. Like from the first night. Told her “You are the reason why I’m here.” Definitely had the longest intro in terms of camera time out of the 25 guys.
At this point, Kaitlyn ran inside the mansion just to thank the guys and say a quick hello while Britt stayed outside. Britt’s ITM’s suggest that she thought maybe that was a little cheating on Kaitlyn’s part and maybe didn’t seem fair. Well, you certainly had the chance to do the same thing, but you chose to stay outside. You snooze, you lose.
Corey (Kaitlyn) – Says he plays competitive volleyball, he’s not a farmer, but “I was hoping the offer to plow your field is still on the table?” Kaitlyn enjoyed that.
Tony (Britt) – He says to her “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a while. I believe in love, real love & hope that universe provides.” Or something ridiculous like that. Cut to an ITM of Britt saying how into Tony she is. Then he walks over to Kaitlyn and says the exact same line. Britt: “Really? You say the same line to her?”
At this point, Ryan McDill is at the window of the mansion and banging on it because he’s drunk. Some of the quotes we hear at this point while he’s schmammered:
“I’m all horned up right now, you don’t even know what’s going on.”
“I’m horned up everybody.”
“I apologize for nothing. I’m sorry for being awesome.”
“I wanna date both of them, but because I’m selfish.”
“Hell, I’d like to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again.”
Trust me, the Ryan McDill show is what everyone will be talking about come Tuesday morning. He is a one man wrecking crew this episode.
Shawn E. (Kaitlyn) – While Shawn is pulling up in his hot tub car, McDill has made his way outside and his sitting under a tree about 20 feet away from the girls. So when Shawn pulls up, Ryan blurts out “That car sucks. You suck dude.”
Kaitlyn said if she had to give the worst impression rose out that night, it’d go to Ryan. Both girls liked, or pretended to like, the hot tub car and weren’t happy with Ryan interrupting it.
Chris (Kaitlyn) – Arrived in the cupcake car. He’s a dentist, and he’s always telling people to avoid sugar, but “I’m really sweet for you guys.”
Ben Z. (Kaitlyn)
So if you’re into numbers and math as much as I am, 14 guys approached Kaitlyn first, 9 approached Britt first, and 2 it was never made clear on. Bradley and Shawn B. who did the group hug, but Shawn B. is all about Kaitlyn. 6 of the first 7 went to Britt first, meaning only 3 of the last 18 did. Ouch. But of course they were shown out of order, so it probably really wasn’t 6 of the first 7 but you get the point.