Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

Back with another live video chat tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST talking all things “Bachelorette.” I’m sure a lot of your questions will focus on the spoiler and the Kaitlyn/Nick sex that takes place this Monday night after their 1-on-1 date. That’s fine. Lets talk about it all. Obviously I can only go into so much regarding the spoiler and the how’s and why’s of it changing and the new spoiler, but I’ll do my best. Based on every email I’ve received since Tuesday, 100% of you have said you don’t care the spoiler was wrong and that you still enjoy the site. Very much appreciated. I think there have 2 tweets that have been negative, but other than that, seems like it wasn’t a big deal to you. Good to hear, but obviously it’s still a big deal to me because you know, I don’t want to be wrong on stuff like that. But I am glad to hear pretty much all of you don’t care, especially since you now know the real ending 5 weeks before the finale. We can talk about it all tonight and how this sex with Nick story will play out the rest of the season. I mean, we know how it plays out in terms of the ending, but I guess it’s a matter of if it’s something if you were in that position you’d be able to do (if you were Kaitlyn), or handle (if you were Shawn). We’ve never had to discuss something like this on the show before, and it’s going to drive the conversation for the rest of the season, so I’m sure there will be many differing opinions. No one’s wrong or right because it’s a matter of personal preference.

Got a couple emails yesterday and today regarding the column former “Bachelor” contestant Katie Levans wrote about her time on the show saying it was immediately removed shortly after I posted it. Not sure why since Katie wouldn’t be under contract anymore and, frankly, it wasn’t really anything we hadn’t heard before, although maybe a tad more detailed about how the process works. Whatever the case, thank you to the person who emailed me the long that’s been cached. If you missed it yesterday, you can read it right here.

On to “Dr. Reality Steve…”
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Dear Steve,

Love your site, been reading it for years.

I have been watching UNReal and I’m hooked, thanks for the recommendation. Can’t wait for the next episode, particularly because I have some extra free time these days as you’ll read below.

Here is my Dr Reality Steve question, bear with me it’s long…

I’ve been dating this guy who works at my same work building for a year and a half (our building has several floors with different companies). Early last year he asked me to be exclusive and I accepted. Around October last year we spoke about getting married, we went to buy some new furniture for his place, we even got a new bed and a couch that he allowed me to choose, etc. More time passed but he neither asked me to move in, nor proposed.

About 3 months ago we started having some stupid fights, we were very stressed at our jobs, so we both decided to cool things down a bit and have some time apart. Having said so, during those months, we kept emailing, texting, etc, almost every day, we would still commute together or bump into each other at our jobs (we have a shared cafeteria and we live close to each other, so we park at the same place and take the same shuttle to work) and we would see each other during the weekends and would go out to the movies, dinner, etc, and yes, we slept together. So really not a lot changed from before although the frequency of our interactions changed a bit.

During memorial weekend we didn’t see each other but he emailed me at the end of the weekend telling me that he “has been dating and maybe in the future we can get back together when we are both in different places, when he has figured out what he pretty much already knows, that he won’t find another woman that fits like me”

I cannot tell you the pain and shock and grief I felt when I read his email, I actually felt pain in my chest (I guess that’s what a heartbreak feels like). From his letter I inferred that he has been going out on dates and sleeping around for 3 months or maybe more (he is very attractive). I didn’t see that coming, so I wrote him back asking why he didn’t tell me earlier, that I thought we were exclusive and why he slept with me three weeks ago without telling me he had been already with other people (yikes!) and why he told me he loved me 3 weeks ago.

He wrote back saying he didn’t remember asking me to be exclusive last year, and that from his point of view we broke up since February. He said that we weren’t in a relationship anymore and that therefore he didn’t cheat. He added that he is “in love with me but that he doesn’t think we are going to work out because we have so many miscommunications and our fights.” I wrote him that I felt we were in a relationship all this time, I felt cheated or at least mislead, and that I don’t do friends with benefits.

We still bump into each other at work and yesterday we were both getting coffee and he asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him (calmly and quietly) that I didn’t really want to have a conversation. He said that we were still friends. I told him he weren’t. He sent me an email later saying that it hurt him that I told him we weren’t friends. He told me that in the beginning he was really in love but then listed all the things I did wrong that alienated him (I got angry and jealous for stupid things, I would feel disappointed at times and I would tell him so, etc). He finished his letter by saying that he can “still love me but does not feel we were going to share a happy life together.” He added that if we got married we would have had a very challenging marriage and he “didn’t want to feel every day feeling like he was disappointing me and contributing to my unhappiness.”

The thing is, I feel guilty and I feel he is right and it’s my fault and that my behavior ended up alienating him. The ironic part is that I was/am so much in love with him that some of my reactions last year were precisely because I felt let down.
On the flip side, he is not a saint, he was mean sometimes and very selfish, and he actually recognized it last year, that he is selfish and he said that “he is going to do what he is going to do.”

Suggestions on how to handle this? I don’t even know if I should answer his email. I’m angry and very sad and the ironic part is that if he comes back and apologizes I would take him back. I still have feelings and attraction for him, which make me feel like a big idiot (and he does look good these days). The thing is, we had such a great fit in so many things, we used to laugh and understand each other so well, it never happened to me with anybody else. On the flip side, it hurts like hell and I don’t even know what to think. I cry every day, I don’t want to go out and risk bumping into him on a date (small town), I probably look terrible these days with my puffy eyes and lack of energy, etc.

I read the comments if any of your readers have suggestions.

Not Joyful in New Jersey

Comment: What’s that saying, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” He seems to be a priority to you right and, really, you’re not even an option to him. And he’s not being discreet about it. He’s being as blunt as possible. He’s told you he doesn’t think it’s going to work out, and that he doesn’t think you’ll have a happy life together. That’s two whacks across the face with a club if I’ve ever heard them. You should probably take him at his word when he says that. Forget what he might’ve done or said before that. Whatever happened in your relationship that made him change the way he thought about you happened, and this is the way he now feels.

You did the right thing when he approached you at work. You just need to stick by it. I know you’re hurting, and maybe you’ll never get your answer as to why things changed the way they did. But they did. You have to accept it and move on. Especially from a guy that’s telling you what he has. You chalk it up to it being his loss. But crying every day and staying in for fear of running into him is basically the opposite of how you should be handling this. Easier said than done, I know, but you’re gonna have to. You had some heartbreak, but continuing to dwell on it is not gonna do you any good.

And don’t beat yourself up over thinking you were the one who ruined the whole relationship. That’ll make things worse. I think you’re probably feeling that because of what he said, but I’m sure he played a role in it as well. Sometimes things just don’t work, and apparently you two didn’t. I know you’re gonna focus on, “But we did work. So many things were great, then they weren’t because we were stressed and I felt let down.” Well if you felt let down by him, then maybe it wasn’t as great as you thought. Hell, it looks like you guys were on two completely different pages. You thought you were exclusive and together and he’s out sleeping with other women and said you weren’t.

So yeah, this relationship is over unfortunately. And the sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be.
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Dear Dr. Reality Steve,

First off, I love your website. It actually makes Bachelor/Bachelorette more interesting! It’s crazy how they show people falling in love in a span of 2 months. I never believed that’s even possible. Then, I got a little taste of that feeling myself.

I met a guy through Tinder. I am 23 and he is 29. To be honest, normally, I don’t take it seriously and I wasn’t trying to look for anything serious because I know that most guys on it only have one intention. However, this one guy struck out to me. Initially, I was very casual with him. However, after we FaceTimed one day, I just knew there was something different and very genuine about him. I still stayed cool. Later that night, he texted me. From that point on, we didn’t stop talking. We would basically talk from the time we woke up till we went to bed. I was loving it honestly. I’ve never had that kind of connection with anyone. He asked me if it scared me that things are going so fast, and I said no I am not scared of things going so fast, but I am scared that they may fall just as fast. I told him to stay the same and never change. He knows I am a virgin and waiting for the right guy and he really respected that part of me. It actually made him like me even more. He and I have talked about things such as dating, being in a relationship, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and having children. He told me how much he respected me and how mature he thought I was. He said he has never felt like this before and I told him, neither have I. I would never talk to someone about those things after a week or two of talking to them, but with him, it felt different. I think he was concerned that he and I were at different stages in life, but I tried my best to reassure him that that’s not the case. I think he thought that I would not want to get married for a while. I told him that if I found the right person, I would get married earlier depending on the circumstances. After a week of talking, we had our first date. Everything went amazingly. Even after our date, we had great conversation for about a day. I could tell he enjoyed it and I definitely did as well.

But after a while, he started getting distant. It was weird to me. This is exactly what I was scared of. He told me that he was tired and busy. I completely understand since he wakes up at 4:30 am for work and usually doesn’t get home till 8 pm. So I let it go. Then, after a few days, he was back to his normal self. A week after our first date, we were supposed to go on another date. However, he canceled last minute saying he forgot that he had to see his cousin who was visiting from the other end of the country. I completely understood. Family first. But I wish he had told me earlier rather than waiting for me to ask him. He said we could still hang out later that day. But then he had to cancel because it was taking too long at his cousin’s place. Honestly, something seemed fishy. While talking to him, he said that he liked me but he was scared to like me since I am at a different stage of life than him. He said his heart says yes but his mind says no. I guess I put myself out there for him more than I would for anyone else because I’ve never felt this way before, and maybe that is overwhelming for him? He also keeps telling me how he thinks my answers are scripted and sound perfect… but I genuinely mean everything I say. I feel like he’s letting a good thing go because he thinks it’s all too good to be true. He’s the type of person who doesn’t trust easily and I want to gain his trust, but I feel like I need a chance to do that and I don’t think I am getting that chance right now.

Anyways, I tried to get him to call me, so he said he would call me the next day in the morning on his way to work. Then I texted him some stuff, but he didn’t respond. I figured he was busy with his cousin. But then he never did call me on his way to work. I waited a few days to text him, which was weird because we usually never don’t go a day without talking. I was kind of hoping he would say something. In the past, he had told me he doesn’t like playing texting games but it seems like he does. Here is what I texted him… It should give you the gist of our relationship.

Me: “The way you’ve ignored me the past couple days is unacceptable. Not that it seems to make a difference to you as to how I feel. But honestly, you should know that you’ve hurt me a lot. This is exactly what I was scared of and you did exactly that. At this point, I really do feel like it’s an ass move to just ignore all of this and treat me like sh*t. No matter how you feel, a real man would own up to his thoughts. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore, say it. Don’t hide and make me wonder. It makes no sense because one day you being up topics like relationships/ engagement/ marriage/ pregnancy/ having babies and the next day you’re scared to like me and don’t even want to talk about it. It’s funny because you said age bothered you. And yet I’m being the more mature one in this situation because I’m confronting it head on rather than hiding from it and hoping it disappears like you are. When I’m with someone, I would give up anything for them, but not my self respect. So this is it, either tell me what you want or I’ll know that it’s over if I don’t get a response by the end of the day. Even if you have to say no, I would have more respect for you if you said no rather than let me guess it at the end of the day.”

Him: “Hey sorry I’ve just been busy. I’m not seeing or dating anyone else I’ve just been focused on work and I’m not around the next 3 weekends so idk when we would be able to hang out. I think we should keep in touch and I can give a more valiant effort in a few weeks.”

Me: “Oh okay. I understand, no worries. I was just concerned that you were not sure about where I stood. I know you said you were concerned about us being at different stages, but I wanted to reassure you that that’s not the case. And that sounds good. We can hang out once you’re back. Good luck with everything! Call me when you get a chance. Hope you have a good night!”

Since then, we haven’t talked. It has been 2 days. He also hasn’t called yet. I understand he is busy so that’s fine. He also has his best friend’s wedding to go to this weekend so I don’t expect much really.

To be honest, I would wait 3 weeks for him. I would wait a month… 2 months… 3 months for him. You get the point. I really think he is the one. With any other guy, I would have stopped talking to them if they treated me like he did. But he is different. I just want to know what is going on. I know he mentioned earlier that he would be busy the next couple weekends, but I feel like we took a step back with our relationship because I am used to talking to him every day all the time. I don’t know what to do. It is quite possible that he is genuinely busy, and if that’s the case, I completely understand. I don’t mind waiting. But I need to know that he’s going to be there for me after a few weeks. How can I show him that I am there for him and that I am not scripting my answers? I don’t want to overwhelm him and fully scare him away. I feel like he might be scared of how fast everything is going with his feelings and my feelings. I kind of want to slow things down and really just make this work. Any advice for what I should say to him (if anything)? Or should I wait three weeks? Do you think he is still interested? Or did something go wrong? Do we still have a chance? I don’t want to let this go. I like him too much. I know it’s crazy to like someone so much after a couple weeks, but he is different. I wouldn’t say I am in love yet. Love is a strong word and I’ve never used it in a romantic way before. But, I do think he is someone I could fall in love with if things kept going the way they were initially. Even that is something that is very rare for me.

Please let me know if you need additional information about us before answering.

Sincerely,

Not So Perfect

Comment: Maybe I should’ve used the “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option” for this girl. Lets break this down:

1) Your text to him was waaaaay too much. You went on ONE date. I understand you talked all the time for a week before that, but that text sounded like you were in a 3 year relationship and all the sudden he became aloof. I honestly think you scared him away with that.

2) Your response to his response was much too forgiving, but understandable based on how you told me you’re feeling. You send that long diatribe of a text, he barely responds then hasn’t talked to you in 2 days?

3) You saying you’ll wait 3 weeks, a month, 2 months, 3 months for him is probably your biggest mistake. Lets first remember you met this guy on Tinder. Yes, I understand people have met serious boyfriends/girlfriends on Tinder recently, but I think that’s much more the exception than the rule. You’re revolving your life around a guy you’ve been on one date with who hasn’t been very responsive since. You can still hold out a little hope for this guy that maybe after his 3 busy weekends he’ll come around, but I hate to tell you – he’s probably not.

I know you have all these feelings for him but since your date, has he done anything to make you feel like he has those feelings for you? It doesn’t sound like it. Wait it out the three weeks, just don’t pull the rip cord immediately, but if he says once the three weeks is over his schedule will be free, then see if he’s telling the truth. But he’s already started ignoring you and talking a lot less, so I highly doubt he’s gonna come back to you in 3 weeks saying, “Ok, I’m finally not busy, lets pick up where we left off.” It’s Tinder, he’s 6 years older than you, and frankly, I just don’t believe anyone goes on Tinder looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Good luck.
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First time emailer sort of new to your site.

I have been reconciled with my boyfriend for over a year but lately he doesn’t communicate through any means on his own, he doesn’t visit willingly for several months at a time claiming he’s too busy taking care of his grandparents. Lately he’s been very protective of another girl that he doesn’t want me to contact when I deleted the number (it used to be his number before he lost service). I want to believe he’s not cheating but something seems fishy and that old adage of “out of sight out of mind”. He claims the girl is an old friend and nothing more. My question should I stay in the relationship or get out or should I seek the truth from his family who still like me and him together?

Comment: I don’t really have a lot to go off here. But from what I understand, you got back together with an ex, he doesn’t communicate with you, you don’t see him much (even months at a time), and he claims a girl in his phone is just a friend.

Cut your losses. Not worth it. Why do you want to be with someone you can’t see for months at a time? Especially when it’s because he’s “taking care of his grandparents?” Something seems totally off about that. Just move on.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

13 Comments

13 Comments

  1. purplerayne

    June 18, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    I have to say that for the spoilers you’ve missed, you’ve been close to the mark. Its not like anything you’ve said it soooo far off base. And honestly, having the wrong info once in a while kinda makes all of this more exciting.

  2. shouldbeworking

    June 18, 2015 at 11:44 AM

    I’m kinda curious, and forgive me if I missed it, but the only two people that know if they (Nick and Kaitlyn) for sure had sex, is Nick and Kaitlyn. So, who spilled the beans?

  3. rob22

    June 18, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    @Not Joy in Jersey: If you take “time off”, the guy is going to take it that you broke up… or at least rationalize it that way if he finds something better. Guys are simple. If you tell them you’re taking a break, they assume you mean it. I know women are more complex and there’s a lot of shades of gray in there for you. But for guys you’re either (a) together or (b) not together. There’s no (c) sorta together after I make you pay penance for the crappy way you’ve treated me. “C” looks a helluva lot like “B” to a guy. Keep it simple from now on and avoid miscommunications and misunderstandings. Sounds kinda like you’re the queen of nitpicking and criticism… which guys HATE. Stop it. Otherwise you’ll never end up with a decent guy. Decent guys have other options & they’ll take them. Unless you’re OK with ending up with Mr. Kinda Sorta right in a mediocre kinda way.

    Not So Perfect. I go back to my constant refrain. If a guy is interested in you, you’ll know. Obviously, as RS noted, this is frigging Tinder not Christian Mingle or eHarmony. You should expect flaky hookup type of guys. Yeah, he acted interested in you… and probably was in a “workin you do see what he can get kinda way”. Then you had one date and he fell off the map. Why? It really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s not really that interested anymore. Period. End of story. I know girls want to know the reason, but remember, it’s only important that he’s not interested. The two most likely reasons are that either (a) the date didn’t go nearly as well for him as it did for you. Or, (b) he really was just trying to hook up with you and realized that wasn’t likely going to happen without a ton of work on his part. Which, is not why he’s on Tinder. Tinder is for easy, low effort hookups.

    Who wants to work at these things today anyway when you don’t have to. If you want something long term, find another dating site that’s more serious. Tinder will not attract the best cut of guys who would be looking for a virgin. It’s just not.

  4. rob22

    June 18, 2015 at 12:02 PM

    shouldbeworking: I think the show spilled it based on the trailer for next week. Looks like they channeled their Dan Rather, 60 minutes, bust into the room with a camera moment. Maybe that was bogus, but it looks like it was the show that outed them, much like they did with the Ben/Courtney skinny dipping episode.

  5. serapa

    June 18, 2015 at 1:23 PM

    both of those girls should ditch the guys.

    once I hit 30, I started dumping guys as soon as one of my red flags came up. I never looked back. I found my husband…13 years still together.

    dumped one guy on NYE and then met my husband at a NYE party later that night. so glad I started following my red flags list.

    What are your red flags? Mine were:

    1. Being late without calling with a real reason.
    2. Not calling when you say you will or not calling enough
    3. Not wanting marriage
    4. Not wanting kids
    5. Not ready for a relationship with me “right now”

    Get your red flag list together girls and dump them when they hit one of your red flags. Don’t fall in-love so easily…see them with a skeptical attitude for the first 6 months to make sure your heart doesn’t take your logic.

    Wait to have sex if sex makes you feel attached. I told my husband that I wouldn’t have sex with him until he could commit to monogamy. It freaked him out and he didn’t call me for 5 days afterwards and when he did finally call, I let it go to voice mail and I waited 2 days to call him back. HE SO wanted me after that when I played it cool. 13 years later…married, 2 kids…happy.

  6. rob22

    June 18, 2015 at 2:10 PM

    serapa: great challenge for a guy. No sex until they will be monogamous. Though, I’d recommend waiting a while before even posing that challenge. You don’t want a guy that’s going to lie his way into the sack and then disappear. If you don’t have sex with a guy for a few weeks, and he’s still around, then he’s interested in more than just bedding you. You really have to watch that. It seems like most of the emails RS gets are guys who are basically trying to get what they can vs. women who are trying to make it something more than that.

    I’m actually a little surprised that a guy who was “freaked out” about the monogamy rule actually ended up returning at all. I’d say 90-95% who freak out would be gone for good (which is not a bad thing btw). You lucked out that it went that way.

    At 5 days, your husband was getting dangerously close to my “no contact in one week and you’re gone” rule (for all you women). I give you credit though. Most women, well, first they would never have the guts to issue that challenge for fear that they’d become nuns in a monastery. (really). Second, if they did issue the challenge they’d call, text or tweet right away or right after he finally called back. So, well done. It’s not game playing if you mean it. If you’re just trying to manipulate a response from a guy, you’ll lose in the end. They’ll either see through it, and resent you (no coming back from that), or they’ll just figure you’re high maintenance and hit the door.

  7. angelsbbfan

    June 18, 2015 at 7:14 PM

    Glad you found out about the incorrect ending before the season ended. Not your fault the information you got was not correct. I totally believe you check things out otherwise you wouldn’t have a job or be doing your job correctly. We all get wrong information from time to time at our jobs – people need to get over it. I always enjoy the spoilers and reading your posts. Keep up the great work no matter what the “haters” say.

  8. shouldbeworking

    June 19, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    @rob22 thanks for responding to my question. Appreciate it.

  9. vessel

    June 19, 2015 at 3:17 PM

    @Not Joy in Jersey, aren’t you the same person who asked for advice on here regarding whether or not you should drive your ex to his surgical appointment? In any case it’s obvious that you’re really hurting but you’ve got to sort of force yourself to pull it together a little and get out of the house. I know how hard it is when you feel so brokenhearted, but you deserve someone who knows 100% you are the one for him, and doesn’t waffle at all. I wish you all the best, in time you will find happiness :)

  10. jay2

    June 20, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    Hey Vessel and Rob22, yes it’s me. Thanks so much for your answers. I followed Vessel’s advice and sent my same email to Steve a couple of weeks ago to see what his take was, and I included more details on my email.
    Anyway, I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and the time you take to answer this. Your guidance has been very very useful and it really made me feel better. I try to learn from my mistakes and I’m feeling a bit better these days. Thank you.

  11. jay2

    June 20, 2015 at 3:39 PM

    @ serapa, this is great!

  12. mfp123

    June 22, 2015 at 1:50 AM

    @ Not Joyful in Jersey: so to summarize, he talked about getting married, but later said you weren’t even exclusive last year – that he didn’t ask. He has been sleeping with you & other women at the same time, yet telling you he loves you. He stated he doesn’t think you guys are going to work out, that you wouldn’t share a happy life together. You also wrote he was mean and selfish. Is that all correct? Look I dated a guy like that, and we tried to be friends afterwards. I even got along ok with his girlfriend. I visited them, we had a nice dinner of spicy chicken enchiladas, and she announced they had a great anniversary. I asked, “oh cool, 6 months?” (we had broken up 7 months prior). She replied, “hmm what? oh no, it was our year.” I almost choked on the enchilada. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. He had been cheating, and I had nowhere to go. Seriously learn from my naive mistake and just save yourself the heartache and hassle. What exactly is this “friendship” of yours with your ex going to look like? Are you going to double date with his new girlfriend? Because he told you he’s going to do whatever he wants and you aren’t exclusive, so that new girl thing is probably going to happen. My advice is to stop crying, get some sleep, and try to look better than him while ignoring him. It’ll drive him nuts, and you’ll look fabulous when you meet the next (hopefully better & hotter) guy. Best wishes to you.

  13. yankeesgirl

    June 22, 2015 at 7:42 AM

    These poor girls.. I know that feeling and it is absolutely terrible. I have dated – and then engaged to – a guy that seems so perfect and so right – and to have that illusion (I’m sorry, but it is an illusion) crumble is heart wrenching. It’s worth it to wait for someone that fits you as well or better and sees you as well worth giving up any single ambitions, and fighting to be with and keep. The person that you want to be with that is the “one” will not make excuses, will want to be with you and only you, and make your well being and happiness a priority. It’s okay to be sad about losing something/someone you thought was more than what it/he was. Eventually though, dust yourself off and realize you deserve better! Best wishes to all of you.

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