Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” and Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

So please tell me you all caught “Celebrity Wife Swap” with Jason & Molly and Sean & Catherine last night. I’ve never watched that show before and probably never will again, but holy crap, that thing is so fake, scripted, and edited it’s laughable. All you needed to do was read Molly’s tweets last night along with Sean’s to realize they basically just had to act the whole time. Which then makes me question why even do it in the first place? Sean said he’s never written Catherine a to-do list in his life, nor would he ever and Molly saying she’d never even drive a mini van. The whole thing is so over-the-top corny and campy, it was nonsense. And then to hear the involved parties basically say parts of it are not even stuff they even do in their relationships, you know it’s all stuff they were put up to. The best part about the show? I saw one of my wedding gifts I got Sean and Catherine. Good to see they put it to use. Then Molly informed me on Twitter that the pillow shams I got them are still on their bed 5 years later. I knew I got them bedding, but I couldn’t remember what it was. It was 5 years ago. Hell, I don’t even remember exactly everything I got Sean & Catherine and Des & Chris, and those were more recent. All in all, a truly dumb show that is so unrealistic and so made-for-TV there’s nothing genuine about it.

As of right now, the live video chat is still on for tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. My cough hasn’t gone away but it’s much less frequent than it was on Monday and Tuesday. And still has a pretty deep bass to it. If it becomes unbearable I’ll stop but for now, the show will go on. See you tonight. On to your love queries…
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Hi, Doctor Steve!

First off, thank you for taking the time to read my e-mail & thank you even more for replying if you do.

I met this man three months ago & we had a bit of a whirlwind romance. After first meeting, we talked on the phone everyday for a week & that following weekend, we talked on the phone for fourteen hours straight. Then when he got back in town, we hung out several times that next week & the days we weren’t able to hang out, we talked on the phone for hours at a time. After two weeks of talking everyday & going on many dates, I knew I was in love. I told him & he said it back. Things were going great. I’ve been in love before, but this was beyond anything I ever felt. Our connection is so crazy. We get along so well & enjoy so many of the same things. It’s hard to find that person that after you met the first time, you can just talk for hours. There are never any awkward moments or dull times in our conversations. After one month of dating, I told him he was the one & he felt the same way. We were soulmates. He became my best friend, my confidant, my companion, my boyfriend, my lover, my life partner, my future, I could talk to him about anything. For two months, things were great & I was on top of the world. I’ve never felt happier.

About a month ago, I went out of town for a week to visit family in another state. I didn’t really get to talk to him much during that week because I was so busy, but I at least texted him every night before bed. Things seemed really distant. When I got home Sunday, he said he wanted to talk, so I called him & he said that I had been lying to him. He found out that I had a kid from a previous relationship & was very upset that I didn’t tell him. The reason I didn’t tell him was because I felt like it was too soon in the relationship & I know that can be a deal breaker for people. I know I should have told him sooner, especially since we were moving so quickly in the relationship & I wanted a future with him, but I just didn’t know how he would handle it. I was nervous & didn’t want to be judged. It was a hard situation I was in. For that following week, we didn’t talk at all. No communication. I wanted to give him space & time. That week was the hardest week of my life. I missed him like crazy & cried everyday because the pain of missing him was too much. He finally reached out to me a week later & we began texting again. He said he just wanted a friendship with me & thought he couldn’t get over the lie I told. We’ve been texting a little bit everyday, but that’s it & our conversations are awkward. It’s like there’s an elephant in the room. I apologized, but I guess he can’t get over that I have a kid, which he said wasn’t the deal breaker, just that me not telling him about it was.

So what do I do now? I want to be with him, so I thought I would just try to be his friend & maybe we’d work back up to being in a relationship again, but things are so tough. I just want to tell him that I’m still in love with him, but I feel like that will push him away for good. Should I keep trying with hopes of getting back together or just move on by breaking things off for him for good? I don’t feel like I can be just friends with him.

Thanks again for all your help.

Sincerely,
Little Lost Liar

Comment: I think you were in lust, not love. You don’t know someone well enough after two weeks to say you’re in love. You might love the thought of being with them and how they make you feel, but you don’t know them well enough to know that.

I don’t understand how you were talking to him that often for that long and at no point did he have a clue you had a kid? Wouldn’t he hear your kid in the background? Wouldn’t you have to stop talking at some point to tend to your kid? And even with that much talking, I understand you didn’t want to bring it up to him, but that’s kinda something someone should know. Now meeting your kid is something to definitely hold out on, but not even telling him you had one? I don’t understand that one.

It doesn’t sound like you want to be just friends with this guy, so I’d just tell him that. And if he doesn’t want that, then move on. Even though you withheld information from him, seems like a rather weird reaction on his part after spending all that time with you and then not. So maybe the kid really is a dealbreaker and he just doesn’t want to admit it. Sure, I’d be a little put back by you not saying anything at first, but now that he knows, I’m questioning why he can’t get over it. I think there’s more there than he’s not letting on.

If he can’t handle your lie or the fact you have a kid, then you don’t want to be with him anyway. While I disagree about you withholding that info and never bringing it up, I certainly don’t understand his reaction since. I also think you’re jumping the gun a bit about how you feel about this guy. Two months in relationship bliss is not enough. You need more time than that in my eyes.
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Hi,

Question for your Dr. Steve column but if you could answer sooner, that would be great!

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and while were dating, starting about 2 years ago it crossed my mind as to what it might be like to go on a date with the realtor/building manager who manages the office building I work in. He’s around my age. 2 years ago he came to my work holiday party where I was with my boyfriend and as far as I know .. He thinks I have a boyfriend.

I have been seeing him a lot in passing lately and have passing conversations such as him asking me if I was going to lunch then following up in another passing asking if I was going back to the same place.

I would like to go on a date with him but feel like I can’t ask him due to his connection with my job .. Awkward if it does not go in my favor.

What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Comment: How does him being the building manager for the office you work in conflict with your job? He’s not your boss is he? He’s just a building manager. I don’t see the conflict. I think you just need to spend more time talking to him and flirting and see where it goes. Doesn’t sound like you know much about him. Maybe he’s got a girlfriend or a wife and this all becomes a moot point. You need to do more digging, but I don’t think work should prevent you from making your intentions known.
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Hi Steve:

I threw my spouse out approximately one year ago after 7 7 1/2 years of marriage and two little kids.

The divorce is pending he filed first I was unable to secure a lawyer. I am doing my best to move on however, I can’t help but feel jealous of the fact that he has someone and I don’t.

He lives with his mistress the one he cheated on me with he was also abusive verbally and physically. He actually put her on the phone a few months ago like an idiot.

Well, I hate it that I am not even dating (I gained weight during pregnancies) bored all the time and wishing to go out to a swank hip trendy restaurant like he does.
However, no one is interested.

Any suggestions on how to not be jealous?

Sincerely,
Divorce Pending

Comment: Your making your self worth be determined by an ex-husband who was verbally and physically abusive. That’s your biggest mistake. Who cares what he’s doing with his life. Doesn’t sound like he’s the greatest guy in the world, you got out of the relationship like you should’ve, and now you’re free to do whatever you want. Don’t let what he’s doing affect your life in the least bit. Sounds like a real dog. You just need to get this guy out of your head. The last thing you should be is jealous of him. If he treated you like that, I’m guessing his mistress will eventually get the same treatment, so no need to be jealous. Pity her.
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Hi Steve,

So I will just get right to it. For context, I am 25 and he is 23.

In January I met a guy through my gym. We would see each other most days of the week and it was always cordial, until mid-February when we actually had our first real conversation. We had an instant connection and we became friends on Facebook and started messaging for a few days on there before it switched to phones. We started texting and snapchatting regularly. After about a week, I found out he had a girlfriend since I decided to really look at his Facebook for the first time.

I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with the situation since we had started talking about deeper things other than the gym, sports, work, etc. We agreed and didn’t talk for a couple of days until we saw each other at the gym. We went out on our first date shortly after that (yes, while he had a girlfriend), but nothing physical happened even though we both wanted it to happen.

For the next FOUR months, we dated without being physical at all (we both tried to walk away at different points, but couldn’t). We both knew what we were doing, and he knew he was wrong, but we couldn’t help ourselves. In June we went to a concert together, had a few beverages and ended up kissing. After that night and one other night with just kissing, all of the physical barriers came down and we slept together. He told me after the night that we slept together that he was going to break up with his girlfriend. It took him another 2 weeks, but he did end up breaking up with her.

The day after they broke up, we spent the whole day together and have virtually been inseparable since. He told me within that week that he was in love with me and all of which encompasses that (I’ve never felt this way about anyone, I want to spend my life with you…). He took a 10 day road trip with a friend and everything was fine between us the whole time. We didn’t argue once, we spoke on the phone all of the time, I had no worries about our relationship. He came home on Sunday and we spent Sunday night and Monday night together and everything felt perfectly fine.

Well last night out of the blue, he told me he has a lot going on in his life and he needs some time to think. I asked him if he has doubts about us and if he loves me and he says “I’m not sure”. This was about an hour after him telling me how excited he was to meet my mom on Thursday, so I am very confused on that, too. (also his idea to set up a dinner with her)

I’m ruling out his ex girlfriend because she went BATSH*T crazy on him and I don’t think he’d be talking to her again after what she did when he ended it.

I know that we jumped into this fairly quickly after their breakup, but I asked him multiple times if we should take it slow and continue to date before getting really serious. He assured me that he KNOWS this is what he wants and he can’t imagine it being any other way. He kept saying “we’ve been dating for 5 months, I know this is what I want…”

I’m trying to give him his space, but I am having a really hard time maintaining my composure. I told him that I’d be there for him when he’s ready to talk and that if he needs time, I will give it to him.

Thinking about it from a logical point of view, I think it would be good for us to slow things down a bit and start fresh and not be super serious, but I don’t want to break up.

I guess I just don’t know what would cause someone to flip a switch so quickly like that, when it’s been so consistent for the past 6 months. He’s been the one propping me up and telling me that everything is going to be okay and to just trust him.

The things he’s told me about why he’s feeling this way are:
His parents are fighting a lot and he’s getting dragged into the middle (he lives at home)
He’s looking for a new job (he has one now, but hates it) and the interview process is really stressful
He’s trying to complete a second degree and school is overwhelming
We went “facebook official” (HIS IDEA) and he’s getting hounded with questions about me and his ex (since it was so soon after their breakup)

I don’t know what I’m looking for other than a male perspective.

Thanks!

Comment: Here’s a simple answer to your question of “How can he just flip a switch so easily?” He’s 23. 23 year olds are still early in the dating stage of their life, and the fact that he was essentially cheating on his gf for four months might show you the level of maturity this guy was at. So if he did that to his gf, what makes you think he wouldn’t do that to you?

I would just chalk this up to another guy you just don’t put all your eggs into one basket with. There’s ex drama, he lives with his parents, has a job he doesn’t like, so yeah, maybe just take a step back and realize this guy is very fickle and sensitive right now and I wouldn’t take everything he says at face value.

Not to mention he’s told you he has doubts about whether he actually loves you. Of course he doesn’t. He’s 23. Now, I’m not blaming ALL of that on his age, but a lot of it is. Can someone be in love at 23? Sure. I just think it’s rare. And at 23, I probably thought I was in love a few times. Here I am 17 years later looking back now saying there’s no way I was. But in the moment, I sure thought it was. So I would slow down with him, continue to talk, let him get his life situated, and see where it goes. No, I don’t think you need to break up with him in the meantime, but be prepared that he might. This guy seems to have quick impulse reactions to things. I would just not hold out hope that this guy is someone you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

13 Comments

13 Comments

  1. rob22

    July 30, 2015 at 11:02 AM

    The first and last emails had a common thread. Things happened fast and furious and then things went “poof”.

    I want to clarify that flirting and semi dating a guy for four months while he is cheating on his present girlfriend does NOT count as relationship time. That’s just flirting and pre-coital dancing. Counting that time as relationship time lacks a sense of reality. It was one month and it went poof really fast.

    So, now that I’ve established that both relationships were common in that they went really fast, here is the deal. If you go that fast, things will often flame out. You get on a high and ride it as long as you can, and often that is a month or two. Then questions arise. Oh, she has a kid. Oh, her hair is kind of weird. Oh, hmmmm, she is not that deep. Whatever. Then, hmmm, it’s one month and she’s super serious, and I really don’t know her that well. Maybe I went too fast. How do I get out of this. Yes, that’s what the guy is thinking while you’re all in a state of bliss and planning the wedding in your head.

    If you allow a relationship to go that fast, you have to prepare for the bubble bursting. A better approach would be to take things slower. Get to know the guy. Then, at maybe the three month point, decide whether you think this has the potential for a longer term relationship…. and by longer term I mean, maybe marriage potential, but I don’t mean “he’s the one” or “let’s set a date”. You’ve just established that this moves beyond the phase of a casual relationship.

    I would honestly say that you may believe someone is marriage material, but it will likely be more like 18 months before you really know. At that point you should really know each other well…. including the incredibly large number of flaws you both have. Then you can both make good decisions about whether you can live with this person for the rest of you life, flaws and all. Honestly, you can’t fix other people’s flaws. You just learn to live with them. If you can’t live with them, then you shouldn’t marry them.

    Whirlwind romances are a really cool idea. Great in a paperback romance novel. In reality, 99% of the time they implode. Slow down. Don’t sleep with them right away. Get to know them. Start to notice their flaws. If the guy you met was cheating on his girlfriend, then his flaw is that he will cheat. He finds cheating exciting. So, he will look to cheat as soon as the high with you wears off. That’s not such a good character trait, and it’s not one that’s likely to change. A trait nobody should be willing to live with. So, you were right btw. The guy wasn’t cheating with his ex. He was done with her, and now he’s done with you. He found someone exciting to cheat with and will soon be done with her too. That really shouldn’t be that hard to see.

  2. cjscjs711

    July 30, 2015 at 11:34 AM

    I agree with most of what the two guys said. In the future don’t you think now you need to TELL someone with whom you’re having hours long convos about this extremely important person totally a part of your life – your child? And let the chips fall where they may. You put your relationship with the guy, the guy of two months, ahead of your relationship with your child OR you didn’t think your relationship with him was serious enough to mention this detail.

    You were afraid it would scare him off? That makes the omission even worse. So you wanted to string him along presuming there was no child till he was good and hooked, then break it to him?

    It also shows what deceit or coverup you’re capable of. If you can conceal the existence of a beautiful child, what of the nasty skeletons in your closet? God forbid, he’d find bout the hard way.

    Fairy tale romances and trying to create them….. Will work about as well as it did for Nick……

    Second guy, agree. He probably suddenly changed his tune after finding someone else. Likely around road trip time. Like women, a lot of guys are in love with falling in love.

  3. angelfish

    July 30, 2015 at 11:38 AM

    @rob22, all good points and advice.

    My rule of thumb is that if you haven’t embarked on, and survived through, a 2-week car trip with your beloved, including several relative visits along the way, you’ll never make it through a marriage.

    That and a long-term house renovation project. Those are great barometers for the longevity of a relationship! *LOL*

  4. vessel

    July 30, 2015 at 1:56 PM

    Steve seems not to have taken into consideration that the woman who didn’t admit she has a child might not have custody. I doubt she would have had the time on hands to devote to him if she lives with her child.

  5. jillannap

    July 31, 2015 at 9:35 AM

    Your is spelled you’re when replacing the words you are.

  6. flightgirl

    July 31, 2015 at 3:58 PM

    OMG I am watching the Celebrity Wife Swap right now and if you hadn’t said it was staged, I would die if I was married to Sean. Wow. What a backwards marriage they portrayed for the show. I would have refused to stage it if it wasn’t truly that way. That list Sean left was ridiculous. He is a male chauvinist pig!

  7. flightgirl

    July 31, 2015 at 3:59 PM

    Sean is also narcissistic, boring and an absolute jerk. His world only revolves around him.

  8. flightgirl

    July 31, 2015 at 4:25 PM

    Catherine is also an enormous disappointment. First off she is lazy. She was upset Molly took stuffy, pretentious Sean to an Ethiopian restaurant because SHE wanted to do all their FIRST things together!

    Molly and Jason came across as laid back, fun loving, empathetic ROCK STARS compared to Catherine and Sean.

  9. tiggertamer

    July 31, 2015 at 6:46 PM

    I created an account specifically to reply to the poster who did not disclose the fact that she has a child. I agree with what Rob22 wrote about relationships that progress quickly. (I tend to agree with most of Rob22 writes.)

    I agree, even more strongly, with cjscjs711. I felt the need to reply because I feel for the child. So, to the poster,

    Having a child is something that should never be concealed, because it’s not something to be ashamed of or fear being judged about. Concealing the fact that you have a child, or concealing anything of significance, for fear of rejection, will only make the revelation more difficult as the relationship progresses.

    If someone rejects you because you have a child, you shouldn’t be with that person. I have seen too many relationships where people didn’t take the responsibility of parenthood and step-parenthood seriously enough, and that is never good for the child, or the adult relationship.

    I never wanted to have a romantic relationship with a single parent, and I never have. I was raised with step parents and step siblings, and it was a negative experience for both my sister and me, mostly because my parents were young and didn’t give a sh*t whether the people they chose to be with would be positive influences in our lives. As an adult, the last thing I wanted to do is jump back into that type of situation. The single dads who thought I was selfish for not giving them a chance should have been thankful for my unwillingness to screw up their kids’ lives due to my inability to be good a step-parent.

    From the perspective of a 50 year old woman who has chosen to not have children, there is no shame in having a child, so be up front about it. There is also no shame in not wanting to have a relationship with someone with a child; accept that it will happen, maybe more often than not. It’s better to find out before allowing feelings to develop.

    Focus on having a healthy relationship with your child and make sure your relationship with your ex (if there is one) is as healthy and trouble free as possible. That’s what will be attractive to a potential mate, provided he is an emotionally mature and stable person, which is the kind of man you should want around your child.

    And, I hope you are open to dating single dads. They have the advantage of experience. They know what they are “getting into.”

  10. karynr

    August 3, 2015 at 5:20 AM

    I don’t get not mentioning a child with someone you think you’re getting close to, and totally understand why that would cause him to back away. When my son was younger and I was dating a lot, I probably talked about him too much! But, if someone couldn’t handle it, they obviously weren’t meant to be in my life..

    I also don’t get these instant relationships. It takes a while to build a serious relationship, but a lot of people throw the term around a little too quickly. I’m good friends with a guy I dated for a few months about ten years ago. I’ve known him most of my adult life, and while I had fun dating him, it wasn’t anything serious. I was out to breakfast with him a couple months ago and he used the term “when we broke up.” I looked at him and said “we didn’t even have a serious relationship, so I didn’t even consider it a break-up.” He looked very surprised. It takes a while to build a relationship, and what I call the instant relationships, usually crash and burn pretty quickly.

  11. j1scarlett

    August 3, 2015 at 9:04 AM

    @angelfish I have no desire to go on a 2 week car trip with anyone ever. I think I can do marriage, but I sure do hate long car trips. IMO this is why airplanes exist lol.

  12. j1scarlett

    August 3, 2015 at 9:16 AM

    Based on the way the first poster wrote about their child, I get the feeling maybe they dont have custody. I can’t imagine a parent with custody not mentioning the child to every person they have an interest in, because you don’t want to date someone who hates kids or something. But its still really weird they didn’t mention they have a child in the course of 2 months. I can see why the guy would back off and worry about them being a total liar. Maybe they are hiding other things that are “inconvenient” and don’t want to be judged on. Think it might be time to find someone else and mention the kid right away…

    As for the girl dating the 23 year old cheater…just get away from that guy and don’t look back. He didn’t tell you about his gf right away, and then proceeded to “date” you for months behind her back (physical or not, he was going out with you and lying to her about it). Finally he broke up with her, and you referred to her going “batsh*t crazy,” probably based on what he told you about her, but the asshole was cheating on her for months…so odds are her reaction was totally normal. Id bet anything hes met another girl that hes “in love” with and is just not interested in you anymore, and since hes already clearly a jerk, just doesn’t want to be honest and tell you.

  13. Athena

    August 3, 2015 at 1:37 PM

    I realize that everyone’s situation is different, so I’m not trying to judge the letter writer; this comment is in response to the idea that “lots of men won’t be interested in dating a woman with a child”. I was a single mother from the time my child was 2 until I remarried when she was a pre-teen. I never ever considered being a parent a detriment to meeting/dating/getting serious with a man. My child was the light of my life, and as I saw it, a value-added benefit of being involved with me. If any man I met along the way thought differently, I never got a whiff of it.

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