-Once returning from the rose ceremony, there is a date card awaiting the group. It’s for Tanner and you won’t believe who he takes. The date card tells them that their flight leaves soon so they immediately head off to the airport. And even though this is “Bachelor in Paradise,” which still isn’t close to being on equal ground as the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette,” dad gummit, they still somehow convinced Jade to throw a pun in there. “This is a good moment for my and Tanner’s relationship to take off” as we see the plane rising from the runway. I think it would’ve been more appropriate to say something, “I can’t wait for this date since it’ll definitely allow me and Tanner to take off – all our clothes.” Much, much better. And more fitting. They are heading to Tequila, Mexico to visit a Tequila winery and mash up some agave plants. I don’t want to say Tanner had any pent up sexual frustration when he was detroying the agave plants with a shovel, but ummmmm, he did. He attacked those plants like Jade gave him an ultimatum of, “You either murder those agave plants or you ain’t gettin’ none tonight.” Tanner won. We all won.
-Hey, guess what? After giving us a little taste of Tanner and Jade, we are back on the Samantha/Joe story, which will now become a love triangle as Nick Peterson has entered the mix. Why? Because as Nick arrives he makes it known to Chris Harrison immediately he’s most interested in meeting Samantha since they’ve talked and texted before the show, not to mention ended up meeting once. Oh this is gonna be juicy. Lets see how Samantha handles this one. Nick immediately pulls her aside and basically she tells him no to his date offer. Lets just say this, after re-watching the BP3 finale, hell hath no fury like a Nick Peterson scorned. Probably not your smartest move, Sam. So now Nick’s plan is to find out who’s available. Mikey T fills him in on everything happening and that Samantha was also talking to Joe before the show. Nick ends up asking Ashley S. out on a date because there are zero options left, and she seems like she could down a bottle of Tequila fairly easily. You’re in Ashley S.! Don’t screw it up.
-Back to Tanner and Jade’s date and it has turned into an overnight because, well, we need more of those on this show. Since Tanner has basically been the narrator for the last two seasons and we never see him get any 1 on 1 dates, he figures he’d make up for all of it by playing Mr. Vulnerable as he lays on the bed with Jade in a maxi dress that was about the easiest access ever. Ladies, we love maxi dresses. Well, at least I do. Points for Jade. And I’m sure Tanner was looking at that dress as a majority of the male watching audience was last night. But before the sexy time happens, Tanner has something to say. And no, it doesn’t have to do with quizzing Jade on all things “Bachelor/ette” history. Would’ve been kinda funny though, no? “Jade, before we continue this relationship, there’s really one thing from you I really need to know. Do you have any idea who got the first 1 on 1 date in Ali’s season and what they did?” (Btw, it was Frank and they visited the Hollywood sign). No, it’s time for serious Tanner. “I’m scared our lives will lead us in different paths…I want to be in love at the end of this and that be it.” Included somewhere in there was the phrase “my goosebumps are getting goosebumps.” Really? Even better than that, Tanner’s goosebumps have a hard on. So there. Jade eases Tanner’s mind by saying she essentially wants the same thing, these two are now shipped (in a relationship for those older generation), and the baby making commences. Janner is now officially this seasons Macey. Or Marcey. Or Lacus.
-Nick’s date with Ashley sure was…interesting. They began by taking tequila shots, then moved on to a tequila massage. If you thought Ashley might’ve been a little off her rocker sober, well after a few tequila shots, she’s not only on another planet. She’s basically the president of it. Nick: “She’s a little out there. I don’t know how to take it.” How to take a drunk Ashley? Verrrrry carefully. You never know what you’re gonna get when you mix a little spacey with tequila. Well, we got some entertaining ITM’s from Ashley, that’s for sure. I believe she referred to one of the couples she wanted to be like as “Kark and Carly.” Yeah, they’re one of my favorite couples too. But it’s tough. I’m kinda partial to Manner and Tade as well. Although, Moe and Hamantha are starting to heat up. But don’t forget that sneaky couple who’s been together for a while now, Henley and Hosh. In case you couldn’t tell, Ashley is completely schmammered at this point. Which doesn’t stop the rest of the night as once they get into the hot tub, Ashley likens Nick to possibly being like a sibling. Except siblings that make out, which is only appropriate in Joe’s neck of the woods. Sorry. Too easy.
-It’s Jared’s time to man up and confront Ashley by telling her, “I’m just not that into you. Like, at all. Like, so much so that I’m still not over a girl from two months ago who is now engaged to someone else.” If Ashley I.’s self esteem wasn’t already in the toilet, I’m sure this truth serum Jared is about to drop on her will work wonders. He tells her he’s not over Kaitlyn and that he’s not feeling a connection with her. He wants her to “experience Paradise.” Translation: Please go date other people and stop following me around like a puppy dog. Thanks. Apparently their chemistry in Ashley’s mind was off the charts crazy because he kissed her, and Jared doesn’t think their chemistry is strong at all. He’s still wounded by the Kaitlyn. So what’s the next most logical thing for Ashley I. to do:
1) Cry until your eyeballs fall out
2) Tell us 1 million times how you’ll never find love ever again bc a guy you kissed a couple times that you thought was gonna marry you is now moving on
3) Call Kaitlyn crying to her about your guy
Answer: All of the above. Yes, she called Kaitlyn asking, “What’d you do to Jared?” in one of the most pathetic, unexplicable things anyone’s ever done on this show. Really? Like, what does Kaitlyn care at this point about Jared. She’s too busy snapping pictures of her and Shawn in bed half naked. Like she really wants to be bothered with this petty nonsense right now. And as you saw on “After Paradise” last night, she just chalked it up to Ashley being Ashley and didn’t pay much attention to it. I’m really curious to how we got from that point Sunday night, to the clip in the previews where she’s begging Chris Harrison to give her an overnight date with Jared. Yeah, cuz that’s the even smarter thing to do. Give up your virginity to a guy that doesn’t want you, in hopes that’ll make him stay. I think Ashley’s planet is calling her back now. Her time on this one seems to be over.
-It’s Joe’s birthday. And since he has no friends on the island anymore, and one girl who is quickly losing interest in him, he decides to throw a birthday party for himself. He invites Samantha who doesn’t have good news for him. Basically she doesn’t like drama, she’s never had so much drama surrounding her, and she calls it off with Joe. I think. None of us really know what the hell Samantha is doing, but she isn’t having any of Joe’s party for himself, doesn’t even stay around for cake, and bolts. I mean, c’mon. You really must not like the guy if you passed up cake. Even with chocolate covered strawberries on them? Samantha, that’s sacreligious. Joe’s being a little hard on himself. “She’s out of my league…a girl like her doesn’t end up with a guy like me.” Well not talking like that, they don’t. Samantha has officially begun “Operation Distancing From Joe” and everyone sees it. Although they seem to be happy considering they feel he got what he deserved, they also think Samantha is delusional to think she isn’t the reason for all this drama and just as guilty as him. Samantha: “Why is all this drama happening…there’s red flags…I can’t handle it.” Have you noticed Samantha laughs a lot when she’s engaged in a serious conversation. How is anyone supposed to take her seriously when she does that? The show then ends with Joe talking to Josh telling him he’s got 700 text messages between them that he wouldn’t mind for a second exposing if he doesn’t get his way. This is gonna end well.