Bachelor in Paradise 2

“Dr. Reality Steve” & Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

Getting closer to the start of filming for the “Bachelor” and information is starting to come in. I will have your start date of filming for you on Tuesday, but contestants won’t be released until much later. However, the biggest question I seem to be getting is, “Which former contestants are gonna be on Ben’s season? Is Becca gonna do it? Is Britt? Is Tenley?” The answer is no one knows until filming starts. Maybe they will cast someone from a previous season, maybe they won’t. However, IF they do, I don’t think it’ll be any of those three. Tenley has gone on record saying she wouldn’t do it. Could she be influenced by producers? It’s possible. But right now I think it’s highly, highly unlikely she’ll do it. Britt? Not happening. As for Becca because she sent out a tweet, once again, it’s a case of just because you see something on social media doesn’t mean it’s true. I highly doubt Becca will be on the show either from what I’m hearing. I’ve been working on next season for the last month or so. Hearing certain things, have quite a few contestants, but I don’t like releasing them til we get towards filming. But I will tell you what date filming begins in Tuesday’s recap. Don’t forget the live chat tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. See you then.

This is the penultimate “Dr. Reality Steve” of the season, along with the live chat tonight. Next week’s “Dr. Reality Steve” will be on Wednesday with “Reader Emails” and the live chat will be Wednesday night because I’m out of town Thursday. In case I hadn’t already been there enough the last 3 months, gotta make an annual opening weekend of NFL trip to Vegas. I’m giddy football season officially begins tonight with a few good college games, then a full slate this weekend. Best time of the year. Now, onto “Dr. Reality Steve…”
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Dear Dr. Reality Steve,

Eight years ago I met a man at work and have been emotionally attached to him ever since. He is 15 years older and married with 2 teenage kids. I was stupid, young and naive as somehow, over time, we fell into what I guess they call an emotional affair (with me obviously and sadly being the more attached). Our relationship consisted mainly of emails, texts and occasional phone calls. It had not been that physical but there was some sexting, makeout sessions and phone sex. At various times over the last years, there had been some times where he and some times where I try to break it off – but we always end up back where we started… It has been pretty heartbreaking for me and I often regret ever meeting him for all the tears I have shed for him… Lately I have been thinking and wondering if I should tell his wife. Not so much to be vengeful but because I think it would be the only way to really make sure it truly ends and we both move on once and for all, and also because I do care for him and would want him to somehow get the emotional support he is obviously not getting from his wife. What would you advise – would you want to know? Under what circumstances? Also, I read the comments section too and so if any of your readers are in or have been in similar situations, I would be thankful for their advice too.
Don’t know how to end this.

Comment: So this “emotional relationship” has been going on 8 years? And his wife is clueless? I mean, I guess I should be surprised but not really. I’ve heard worse.

If I’m the wife, yes I’d want to know. I just wouldn’t want to know from you. Even though you don’t think it, you are being vengeful if you tell her, because deep down I don’t really think you want this to end. If you did, you’d have put a stop to it a long time ago. I think you’re thinking that if you tell her, that’ll upset her, could lead to a separation/breakup, and of course he’d come running to you. This guy doesn’t care about you. You’re a side piece and nothing more. If I were you, I’d just show some self-control and end it on your end and move on with your life. Dragging his wife into this will only make it worse and your drama will not end. If anything, it’ll keep going. If he wants to tell her (which I highly doubt he will), then let him. But since it obviously seems like he’s not leaving her anytime soon, I’d just be done with this guy and try and start a real relationship.

The fact he has kids involved makes this a hell of a lot worse. You could ruin a whole family by bringing this up. If it was just him and wife, I’d wouldn’t be as against saying something to her. But this could be a whole mess and I guarantee you’d feel worse once you told the wife.
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Dear Reality Steve,

So I met this guy off Tinder. I’m 23 and he’s 27. He seemed pretty average and I was pretty neutral about him till he we decided to talk on the phone one night (we planned it earlier in the day). Up until this point, we had a very brief texting conversation. That night, on the phone, we ended up talking for four hours. That was honestly one of the best conversations I’ve ever had and we both felt an instantaneous connection. Right after our conversation, he texted me to tell me how he deleted his Tinder account and I did the same. I think that was even better than many of the first dates I’ve been on. The only thing keeping us from meeting each other is a major exam I’m studying for which I’ll be taking towards the end of September. So we are planning to meet after that and till then, we have decided to keep in touch. Also, I don’t want to meet and then be distracted while studying for my exam because of the date which is another reason I thought it might be a better idea to wait to meet.

Then, yesterday, we decided to talk on the phone again. I don’t know what happened but I felt kind of awkward yesterday. It was weird because I didn’t feel that way on our first conversation. I think I may have the Ashley I. syndrome where I can be myself as long as I don’t have feelings for the guy. As soon as I get feelings, I become a little awkward (minus the tears lol) and have a hard time being myself. And last night, after talking for about an hour, he said he was tired and went off to bed. I could just tell something was off… hopefully, it’s all in my head. I apologized for the awkwardness last night and he said, let’s not worry about that, let’s just continue to be ourselves and everything will be fine. He also said to call him anytime and not to worry about planning it ahead of time and that he would do the same. I guess he could sense that I was a little different? Then this morning, I texted… “Good morning, hope you have a good day at work.” He said… “Thanks !!” I’m not trying to make a big deal out of this, but I feel like that was kind of short of him. I’m not sure if that’s because of our conversation last night. My only concern is that I don’t want to lose the connection we have by the time we meet. I also don’t want to overwhelm him with my awkwardness. I know we had a great connection the first time we talked… He even said that he could have talked to me for hours afterwards. Any advice on how to keep the connection alive till we meet without overwhelming him and also without being so awkward and just being myself? Also, when is it normal to try to contact him next… later this week or maybe next week? I don’t want to get so emotionally invested and have that as something that makes him freak out. I’m trying to be chill, but like Ashley I., sometimes that’s hard for me when I really like a guy. I just want to be normal with him and go with the flow but I forget how to do that sometimes.

I know this might sound kind of petty to you, but it’s really important for me. I want to stop myself from doing anything stupid and losing something great! I’m hoping he tries to contact me first since I made the last attempt at conversation, but I really don’t know what he’s going to do.

Sincerely,

Looking for love outside of paradise

Comment: I think you’ve already ruined the “I’m trying to be chill” part of your game. You’re being excessive, and yes, in an Ashley I. type of way. Guys don’t want that.

I think you’re reading into the texts too much as well. Be thankful that he at least responded with “Thanks,” as opposed to not responding at all. I’m sure that wouldn’t have sat well with you in the least bit.

I know you say you’re studying for a big test at the end of the month, but really? You can’t meet up with this guy one time in the next 30 days or so? I’m thinking that as great as your conversation was, this guy really isn’t interested in waiting 30 days to meet you. It’s Tinder. I know that we hear about some success stories off that site recently, but those are far more the exception than the rule. I’m sure he’s talking to other women now too and your chance may be gone.

If I were you, I’d tell him you do have time in your schedule to meet up sooner than after your test. See what his response is. It’s just way too hard to judge your relationship with this guy after 2 phone conversations. You’re still in the such early stages, and like I said, because he met you on Tinder, I guarantee he’s talking to other women. That’s how that app works. So meet this guy as soon as you can, THEN see how he acts towards you. Right now, you’re just a girl he’s talking to that he has to wait til the end of the month to meet. He’s 27. There aren’t many on Tinder, or in general for that matter, that want to wait that long to meet someone. Seize the moment and tell him you’re available before your test then gauge it from there.
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Dr. Reality Steve,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months, and things have just turned serious. This is the first serious relationship I have had since high school (I was “that girl” who dated the same boy on and off for almost all four years), and during the past three years of college I have been dating around to try to figure out what else is out there and what qualities I want in a significant other. I definitely feel like my current boyfriend possesses many of these qualities; not only that, but I’m crazy about him.

A little background info: I met T at my little sister’s softball tournament back in the spring, where he was there watching his cousin play. It was the weekend before finals at my school, and I came home early to move some things back to my parents’ house from my apartment. The attraction was immediate, as well as the chemistry, and I knew almost instantly that we were on to something good, especially after I found out that T was living with his parents as well for the summer, and that their house was only five minutes down the road from my summer job. This softball tourney was on a Saturday, and we went out on our first date the very next day. After surviving my last week of finals, I moved home, started work, and T and I began to see each other almost every single day.

Flash forward to now. Unlike me, T finished school this spring and has a great career. His job is located right in-between our hometown and where I go to school, an hour each way. Because I go back to college on Monday, T has been looking for places to live in the city where his job is located; if he lives there, we would only be an hour apart, but if he stays at home we would be 2. As far as I knew, he was planning on living with a friend from work, however I found out just yesterday that the plan fell through. Now he is planning on living with two of his friends from his hometown…friends that I’m not particularly fond of. They constantly get in trouble with the law, and their everyday lives are filled to the brim with stupid decisions and not thinking things through. Not only this, but they are two years younger than T – when it comes to boys, I’ve learned that every year until they are at least 25 is typically a year of great maturity. They don’t go to school, they don’t have jobs…overall, it would be a bad situation for my boyfriend to be in.

I thought my biggest issue this year would be seeing my boyfriend only on weekends instead of almost every day of the week after work. How can I tell T that I think his new living situation isn’t the best? I would much rather him live at home and be 2 hours away from me rather than closer with these two specific friends…and although I do love him, is it too early in our relationship for me to discuss this kind of thing with him? If not, how do I go about it?

Thanks for all your help!

Sincerely,

Stressed Student.

Comment: I would tell him you aren’t the biggest fan of the friends he’s living with, and give him the specific reasons why. Say it makes you nervous because you think they aren’t a great influence, but you’re glad he’s closer. Don’t flat out tell him “No, I don’t want you living with them.” Maybe even joke about the fact that you hope he doesn’t turn into a criminal like them. Or make poor decisions, etc. Does he realize these guys aren’t great and he’s just living with them to be closer to you? Or does he really think they’re good guys and he enjoys their company?

If he’s living with them to be closer to you, unfortunately there probably isn’t much you can do. I guess look at that as a compliment that he’s serious about you even if he’s living with a bunch of dolts. But if he thinks these guys are great, then that’s a little red flag. Maybe just try and have him stay with you as much as you can so you don’t have to deal with them. But I’d definitely find out how much this guy values those friends or if he’s just using their location as a way to be closer to you.
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Hi Steve,

Here is my question:

I dated this guy who I met in medical school. Things were really great in the beginning. However, he wanted to end things because he didn’t want to be distracted from his board studying. He reached out to me after his boards but I had already moved on at that point. My question is this: Is it common for men to not want to date when they are in a very busy point in their lives? OR was this guy just not that into me?

Thanks!!

Comment: Without knowing all the details of what’s going on in this guy’s life, it’s hard to say. He could’ve really been focused on studying for the boards and not had time for a girlfriend. Seems logical. But it could also be he didn’t have time for you. I just don’t know. Not enough information to go off of.

And if you’ve moved on since then, does it matter? Or are you just curious if maybe it was you and not school that caused him to end things? Again, it’s tough to tell. Not sure you’re ever really going to get your answer unless he flat out tells you.
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Hey Dr. Steve,

I know my email is a bit late so I’m not even sure it’ll make the cut for this week’s column.

So, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for over a year. We’re both in our mid twenties. He got accepted into a graduate program back in April, and for a long time I debated on making a 400 mile move with him. I also have family near his graduate school so it’s not entirely a ‘whole new world.’

Well months later, I’ve made the move! Getting here had its pitfalls (unreliable movers, which delayed unpacking, having to buy furniture and build it, and just a whole slough of things). I guess I should also say that this is the first time we’ve lived together. But the point is that we’re here!

Also another thing I should mention is that I left my job for this move. I hadn’t been there for an extremely long time, but it was one of those things where the job didn’t mean more to me than the relationship. I know people will fault me for this, in fact, as I’ve tried reconnecting with some relatives, I’ve gotten questions like, “Is this a good thing for you?”

Of course since I’ve made the decision I will continue saying that it was a good thing for me. But in the back of my mind I’m questioning it. Since the move, my boyfriend and I have had more arguments than ever before. I also have to keep myself from inquiring too much about his classmates. There are more women than men in his cohort, and I do know I have jealousy issues (but that’s a whole other message). And, I’m on the job hunt. All of my friends are people I either have to text, call or Skype. When I’m not interviewing or applying to jobs, I’m often alone — since he’s already had to start doing massive amounts of reading and his classes start in the later afternoon and go until the late evening.

For another reason, my doctor has put me on antidepressants recently. I guess it’s helped for this too, since I haven’t felt too down about this situation since taking them.

Anyway, I guess what I want feedback on is, besides getting a job, what steps should I take to ensure I’m not going down a slippery slope? And how does one overcome jealousy?

~ Cloudy Californian

Comment: Jealousy issues are something you’re just gonna have to put behind you if you ever want to have a successful relationship. I mean, you’ve just moved in with the guy and already you’re questioning him spending late nights with classmates? That’s not good. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with anxiety from the move, and the fact you’re on antidepressants, but you somehow have to find a way to not let something like him spending time with classmates make you jealous. I’m sure you feel some sense of entitlement now because YOU made the move for HIM, so he should be more understanding of your situation. While it was a major move on your part and you were the one who was making the concession in the relationship, don’t use it against him or else it’s gonna backfire big time.

I don’t think moving in with your boyfriend in your mid 20’s after dating for a year is any sort of bad decision on your part. It doesn’t sound like you uprooted everything and are completely alone in where you are. I know you say you’re alone because of the work he has to do for classes, but I meant in that you said you family near where you are now. Maybe make an effort to spend some time with them if you’re feeling lonely or annoyed. But you need to control jealousy issues because that will drive a stake through your relationship quickly. Have you had trust issues with him in the past, or ex boyfriends? What has he done that makes you jealous?

You’re in a new phase of your relationship with him, so don’t let something like this ruin it.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

20 Comments

20 Comments

  1. aliciajones

    September 3, 2015 at 10:35 AM

    I feel like the long time “mistress/emotional relationship lady” needs to realize that she may not see that she is a mistress but you are and that is how the wife will see it. I have been the wife on the other end of that phone call. I tried so hard to not be mad at the woman and just put the blame on my husband but no matter what, I have always hated her. I have never met her but I hate her. if you really want this to end, be a grown up and block his number and delete it out of your phone!

  2. rob22

    September 3, 2015 at 10:55 AM

    Oh boy, another “I met a guy on Tinder” email. As RS noted, you are definitely anything but chill. So, obviously that’s not you. I thought the next step on Tinder was to meet for coffee or lunch… or maybe drinks? How long does that take exactly that it couldn’t be a study break? I don’t think you’re studying 16 hours/day for a month. The reason? You are imagining some elaborate date that starts with a horse drawn carriage, flowers at the door and ends up with rose petals leading to a silk sheet covered bed.

    It’s ridiculous really. Meet him for lunch. Tell him you need to be back home in an hour or 90 minutes and do that. The next week, meet him for drinks on Saturday night. And, if you just want to knock boots with him, then just invite him over at 11:00 for a booty call. I don’t think that’s what you want, but it IS Tinder. So, that’s likely what he wants. He’s not going to marry you. Ever. Guys don’t join Tinder to find spouses. They want to find girls that they can have drinks with, followed by a standup out in the alley behind the bar. Then maybe a cigarette & a nice wave & a too-da-loo. So, maybe that fact alone will take the pressure off you.

  3. ineedcoffeekthx

    September 3, 2015 at 10:58 AM

    Cloudy, you’ll have to determine for yourself whether he is giving you enough attentions in light of his intense studying. As for yourself, you should definitely keep in close contact with your friends. Talking through things helps. AND I would suggest finding an activity or activities to occupy your time and give you a sense of purpose. You’ll feel better about yourself, more fulfilled, which will help you feel better about your boyfriend. If one partner is really busy with something “important” it’s best if the other partner also has their own priority or priorities outside of the relationship. Maybe this would be a good time to focus on getting in really awesome shape, or learning a new skill or hobby, or doing some volunteer work–which will also help you meet some new local friends. Get out of the apartment and do something for you and you’ll be less inclined to fret about your relationship.

  4. ineedcoffeekthx

    September 3, 2015 at 11:04 AM

    Looking for love,

    Yeah, telling a guy that you had an incredible 4 hour phone call with that he needs to hold off a month to even meet you is kind of a red flag/stop sign, don’t you think? I mean, he can’t read your mind, so he has to go off of what you say and do. What you’ve told him in addition to “nice, like you, great connection, etc.” is “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE.” OK then.

  5. ineedcoffeekthx

    September 3, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    Stressed,

    Everything in the last paragraph of your email looks great to me. You should talk to him about your concerns with the living arrangement and that you would be OK with him staying at his parents’ house until something better comes through in the in-between town. Present it lovingly and from the point of view of a concerned girlfriend. But don’t argue the point. He may already have made his decision and may also really prefer to avoid a one hour commute each day to work–in addition to being closer to you. Just be a friend and then drop it. Don’t nag. (Never nag!)

    If the situation doesn’t work out (a) he may spend even more time with you and (b) it can be a learning experience (Hm, maybe I better listen to my girlfriend next time).

  6. ineedcoffeekthx

    September 3, 2015 at 11:21 AM

    Yeah, your guy who wanted to end things so he could study for boards was not that into you. I wouldn’t say that most guys don’t want to date when they are in a very busy point in their lives. Well, we might not want to date new people when something life-altering like medical boards are coming up. We need to focus and avoid unknowns. Frankly, if we already have an understanding girlfriend we are much more likely to stay with her during these times. It’s still nice to have some companionship, even if limited, and maybe also someone to cook for us a little, help with laundry, etc. That’s a very common scenario. Sounds like your guy decided you just needed too much of his time or were otherwise going to be too much of a distraction. Good thing that you moved on versus investing more time in this relationship.

  7. rob22

    September 3, 2015 at 12:49 PM

    On the one with the emotional affair. RS is right. You are definitely not the one to tell the wife. Your motives cannot be pure, by definition. It’s either you’re trying to make her leave him, so you can step in, or you might be trying to get back at one or the other in a vindictive way, or you’re just trying to relieve your own guilt. None of those are good reasons. So DO NOT contact his wife. Your job is to break it off, sever ties and move on with your life. You are harming other people as well as yourself. There are all kinds of reasons women get involved with married men. None of them too flattering. So, even if you are the most selfish person on the planet, it is in your own best interests to stop contacting this man & get some professional help so you’ll stop this now & not repeat it with some other guy in the future. BTW: should you “win” this guy at some point, you will then be married to a guy who has already cheated. The most likely result is that he will cheat on you with someone else. Cheaters cheat. That’s what they do. What I’m saying is that you can’t win by staying in this relationship. Even if you “win” , you really lose.

    As for him, as long as nobody else is aware of what you’ve been doing, you are both stopping what you are doing, and there is no chance of his wife being blind sided with this revelation, then he should keep his mouth shut & be faithful going forward. His wife doesn’t need to be burdened with this information just so her husband can clear his conscience. His conscience problems, if he even has them, are his burden to deal with. He can get professional help where he can confidentially unburden himself.

    If the info is “out there” with other people that know the wife, then yes, the husband should come clean so his wife doesn’t have to find out from someone else. If others are aware, and know the wife, eventually they’ll come to the conclusion that they need to make her aware that her husband’s a cheater. It might be sooner, it might be down the road. But it will happen.

  8. ruby3009

    September 3, 2015 at 1:03 PM

    I wanted to comment for the boards guy. Both of my sisters are doctors and both of them fell off the face of the earth for the month before they took their first round of boards. The first round of boards is very critical in their paths to become doctors. Their score is used to determine where they can get their residency and ultimately what field of medicine they will end up in. You also only get to take it one time unless you fail. So if you end up with a mediocre score you may miss out on your dream job of being an open heart surgeon and instead end up as something else that may have less pay or worse hours.

    I would give med school guy the benefit of the doubt regarding studying. Though it is good to know that at the end of med school they will mostly likely be moved across the country for a few years during residency. That doesn’t mean they aren’t looking for a committed relationship, on the contrary, many will get married before they leave for residency.

  9. rob22

    September 3, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    The college boards guy, yeah, if he was totally into you, he never would have broken it off. He would have found ways to steal away some time with you whether it was some quick takeout together for dinner, a cup of coffee, a quick study break, whatever. And you would have been integrated into his effort in some way…. maybe bringing by stuff that he needs to keep going, whatever. Cutting you off completely? Either he’s the coldest most compartmentalized person on the planet (who wants that? Nobody), or he’s not that into you. And by “not into you”, I mean he likes you. Maybe likes you a lot. But he’s not willing to put himself out for you. He comes first & if you don’t fit into whatever is going on with him at that time, then you’re out. Is that the way you want your relationship to go? I didn’t think so. Women tend to think “not into you” means he doesn’t like you. It doesn’t mean that. It just means he doesn’t like you enough. And it will never be enough for you either.

  10. rob22

    September 3, 2015 at 1:38 PM

    ruby, the point here is that, yeah, the guy would have been a little scarce and unavailable. Exams ARE important. But if he was into her, he wouldn’t have broken it off entirely. Guys would NEVER do that with a girl they were totally into. Yeah, they would have been super busy & probably largely unavailable. But they also would have been apologetic about it & made some plans for after. “Hey, I”m so sorry about this…. when this exam is finally all over, let’s go to the beach for a few days, just us”. That’s what you should have heard if he was into you. Really what he did by his actions was tipped off his level of interest, which was middling, at best.

  11. dmb1985

    September 3, 2015 at 1:39 PM

    “Looking for love”: if you have time to talk on the phone for 4 hours, you have time to go on a date.

  12. rob22

    September 3, 2015 at 2:09 PM

    For the one who had to move 400 miles and is now fighting more. I will say it’s not unusual for couples to fight more when things start getting more serious. Like it, or not, you made a major statement about the future of your relationship when you made the move. The statement is “I intend for us to be married (or at least VERY serious)”. He’s obviously not opposed to that, or he would have pushed back or suggested you not move, unless he’s incredibly passive. But, there is pressure there and you guys are bound to run into it. The pressure creates those kinds of fights.

    Now, if the fights are because you are now alone, dealing with depression, jealous of the people he’s hanging out with and have basically become a clingy mess…. that’s another ball game. I’m not a huge fan of medication since it’s basically masking the underlying issues. I’m not saying to get off the meds, but you need some professional counseling to deal with your issues. It does sound quite likely that your issues are coming out & contributing to some negativity in your relationship. Meds aren’t going to solve anything except making you feel a little better. Get some help & sort out the issues in your life.

  13. akb88

    September 3, 2015 at 7:43 PM

    To the girl asking about med school boy not wanting to date while he was studying for boards– that’s extremely common and not surprising at all. Most of the med students I know who were in casual relationships at that time (myself included) shut it down to focus on studying. Super lame, but he would’ve been hard to deal with then, so you dodged a bullet. Glad you’ve moved on, too!

  14. tiggertamer

    September 3, 2015 at 10:24 PM

    In response to “Don’t know how to end this,” I was in a somewhat similar situation about 25 years ago. Like you, I was young and naive; I had never even been involved with a man before. (I was 25 – a late bloomer.) I was working for my parents; a man, a few years older than I, who was very attractive, a really sweet person, in a common-law relationship, and also worked for my parents, swept me off my feet. I had no idea what I was getting myself into emotionally.

    The physical relationship was brief, because I ended up overhearing a co-worker comment that his CL wife was trying to get pregnant. In that moment, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I turned my back on my relationship with him, but it took me several years to get over my feelings for him.

    After about a year, I decided to leave my parents company, so I got a job somewhere else. I couldn’t handle seeing him every day. Unfortunately for me, his relationship with my parents deepened, to the point where he, his wife (they eventually got married), and their young son (she eventually got pregnant) spent Christmas with my family. The situation was very painful for me; it consumed me through my mid 20’s to early 30’s.

    In fairness to him, I never shared with him how I felt; I didn’t have the guts. He just thought I had lost interest.

    In all those years, it never occurred to me to tell his wife. Why would I? I never told my parents either, and I’m sure they weren’t aware of it. (I’m a private person, and I was good at hiding my feelings.)

    I don’t blame you for getting emotionally involved with this man. You were young, you didn’t know any better, you’re human and you have feelings that you can’t always control. But to tell his wife would be a manipulative, selfish, thing to do. You stated that it may be the only way to make sure it truly ends. Are you delusional? How would telling his wife help you end your relationship with him? That man’s relationship with his wife and his children is absolutely none of your business. I cannot imagine being accountable for destroying a family and permanently altering the lives of the people in that family. If he decided to leave his wife for you that would be a different matter; that would be his decision. And, as I’m sure you realize, that’s not likely to happen.

    If you can no longer handle having a relationship with this man, end it. If you still work together, you may have to leave your job to put some distance between the two of you. If and when you decide to end it, use it as a learning experience and focus on improving your own life. You’ve given a lot of your younger years to your relationship with this man, from which it seems you’ve gained very little. That’s something you’re probably going to have to work through. And stop lying to yourself about your motivations.

    I’m glad I can come into social contact with the man I was involved with, and his wife, every few years, knowing I did not make enemies out of both of them by letting her find out what happened between her husband and me. Creating pain in their lives would not have diminished my own pain; it would, ultimately, have made it worse.

  15. yankeesgirl

    September 4, 2015 at 11:27 AM

    Welp, I agree with basically all of you. Again, can I mail these women copies of “He’s Just Not That Into You”? Wait for the guy/girl/politicalcorrectgender that fights for you and doesn’t want or need any other options. I met my soon-to-be-husband while on a casual group date with one of his friends. Seriously. When you relax, feel comfortable in your own skin, and set your expectations not to find the love of your life and start having babies – but to have fun and be yourself, good things are bound to happen. Good luck to all of you, if you read the comments (:

  16. yankeesgirl

    September 4, 2015 at 11:28 AM

    Oh and does it need to be said – don’t date married people? Just… don’t… do it

  17. lilcatcheer

    September 4, 2015 at 12:19 PM

    Why would you upset this woman? If you are unhappy then get out of this ???relationship. If you want to continue in this relationship, which I cannot understand why you would then that is your choice but do not ruin this woman’s life. Why would you do something so hateful to someone else?

  18. kimmyfromdablock

    September 5, 2015 at 9:04 AM

    To the girl having an “emotional” affair with a married man:

    A). Sexting, kissing, etc. is not an “emotional” affair. You are having a full-blown affair plain and simple. (No pun intended!)

    B). You have NO right to tell the wife. The fact that you rationalize and entertain this as something you want to do has all the signs that you are young and naive.

    C). Affairs between two married people are one thing – they both have the same to lose. But, an affair with a married person and a single person, to me, is the lowest of all lows. You my friend have nothing to lose beyond your dignity. This man is risking his marriage, his children and his finances.

    Figure out a way to get out of this no matter what you have to do. You don’t need to explain, you don’t need to have a face to face chat, you don’t need to do anything other than cut off contact. Block his number. Block his email. Figure out a way to move on and do it fast. Time will heal your pain. Do it. Now. You have no excuses.

  19. rob22

    September 8, 2015 at 7:17 AM

    One final comment. I think the upshot of a lot of my comments is around the idea of “what is the relationship you want?”. Define what you want, what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. Women get emotionally involved with guys who are not really giving them what they want, and then seek to rationalize it, rather than just say “this is not acceptable & compromises what I really want”. And then, move on in search of something better.

    The medical board guy is the best example. Do you want a guy who puts you first? Or do you want a guy that’s stated clearly that school and work comes first? If you want to be first, then pick a guy who puts you first in his actions. If you’re OK being a distant second, really OK with it, then fine.

    I know a young couple where the guy is constantly travelling for work. He was doing that when they were dating, but now that they’re married, and she’s sitting home alone a lot, NOW it’s suddenly a major problem. It’s a big mess. What this young woman doesn’t realize is that she picked a guy who travels a lot for work. Now she wants to change who he is. Well, you maybe can hide that ugly denim jacked he wears & update his wardrobe (maybe), but you can’t change who he is. He’s a guy who travels for work & plans to keep doing it. It’s kind of silly that she didn’t see this coming. If you have to change someone, then make sure they change before you go ahead and marry them. Odds are, they won’t change. On the whole, people don’t really change much & tell you who they are when you’re dating. If you choose to ignore their actions & rationalize them, then you get what you get. You may “love” someone, but that’s kind of irrelevant if he isn’t giving you what you need. What you call “love” will pass pretty quickly once you get unhappy with his lack of change.

  20. ajay85

    September 8, 2015 at 8:30 AM

    I don’t normally comment on these things but this time I feel compelled to and I know some may not agree with me but that’s okay – to each their own.

    To Ms. Emotional Affair –

    I’m sure a lot of these comments have been really hard for you to hear and even harder for you to accept the advice because you don’t yet see past your own pain and feel like they don’t understand you. I know, I’ve been there.

    First, let me say that this is a bad situation but that doesn’t make you a bad person. And yes, you are responsible for your own actions and putting yourself in this situation but he is every bit as at fault, maybe more so if he has ever led you to believe the standard lines (i.e., this is different, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before, my marriage is pretty much over already, I’m going to leave, I love you, you’re my soulmate, etc. etc.). You aren’t the first person to believe these things and you certainly won’t be the last. Hell, he may even have believed them when he said them but that’s beside the point.

    There is something intoxicating (and yes, selfish) about someone who risks so much to be with you, or so you think. You try to tell yourself that if it wasn’t real, he wouldn’t do that. Your feelings are genuine and you want him to be happy and you think you can make him happy or he wouldn’t be with you and his wife must not appreciate him or being something wrong or he wouldn’t be doing it. Take it from someone who has ignorantly believed those same things — its not true. He stays with her because that’s where he wants to be. Maybe his marriage isn’t perfect, but he doesn’t want to end it or he would have. And he doesn’t love you, or he never would have put you in that situation to begin with. If he loved, or even respected you, he would not be leading you on or telling you things when he is not willing to offer you a relationship you deserve.

    While you may think up a hundred reasons why you think you should tell his wife, and some of them may even feel legitimate, deep down I think you know you are hoping for an outcome that makes him yours. Chances are, she may suspect something but he probably reassures her and tells her all the same sweet things he says to you. You may want to let it all out, but I doubt you are prepared for the emotional fallout for both you and her that would follow. I wrote a very long letter to the wife of the man who led me on for 3 years detailing every thing that went on – all the lies he told to me, all the things he said about her, but I couldn’t send it. I realized that I was looking for both my own absolution, and an end to their relationship, and what kind of person did that make me? She deserved to know what her husband had been up to, but she deserved to hear it from him, not me. It would be one thing if she found something and confronted you about it, but for you to seek her out will only hurt her and him and their children. Its not your place to tear open their wounds in the hope of healing your own.

    I know it feels like you can’t move on, that you need some kind of closure, but I’m here to tell you that you will never get it in the way you seek. He won’t ever admit that he used you. He will continue telling you the same pretty words he has been feeding you this whole time and they will make you want to hold on tighter, not let go. Please realize that you got into this relationship trying to fill something inside of you that he will never give you. He will never love you how you need and deserve to be loved. Even if he left her, you probably wouldn’t ever really trust him and your relationship would always be based on a broken beginning. You will probably carry a lot of guilt and hatred at yourself but you can choose whether to let it make you bitter and more self-destructive or you can choose to forgive yourself, accept that you made a mistake, and make different choices going forward. While your heart may cling to the hope that it was real, I’m sure deep down you know better. You’re not stupid or evil or callous or any of the things that “mistresses” get branded – you’re human.

    Like several other people said, the only way you will ever be free of him and these feelings is to cut off communication and don’t look back. You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you respond to it and how you approach relationships in the future.

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