Getting closer to the start of filming for the “Bachelor” and information is starting to come in. I will have your start date of filming for you on Tuesday, but contestants won’t be released until much later. However, the biggest question I seem to be getting is, “Which former contestants are gonna be on Ben’s season? Is Becca gonna do it? Is Britt? Is Tenley?” The answer is no one knows until filming starts. Maybe they will cast someone from a previous season, maybe they won’t. However, IF they do, I don’t think it’ll be any of those three. Tenley has gone on record saying she wouldn’t do it. Could she be influenced by producers? It’s possible. But right now I think it’s highly, highly unlikely she’ll do it. Britt? Not happening. As for Becca because she sent out a tweet, once again, it’s a case of just because you see something on social media doesn’t mean it’s true. I highly doubt Becca will be on the show either from what I’m hearing. I’ve been working on next season for the last month or so. Hearing certain things, have quite a few contestants, but I don’t like releasing them til we get towards filming. But I will tell you what date filming begins in Tuesday’s recap. Don’t forget the live chat tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. See you then.
This is the penultimate “Dr. Reality Steve” of the season, along with the live chat tonight. Next week’s “Dr. Reality Steve” will be on Wednesday with “Reader Emails” and the live chat will be Wednesday night because I’m out of town Thursday. In case I hadn’t already been there enough the last 3 months, gotta make an annual opening weekend of NFL trip to Vegas. I’m giddy football season officially begins tonight with a few good college games, then a full slate this weekend. Best time of the year. Now, onto “Dr. Reality Steve…”
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
Eight years ago I met a man at work and have been emotionally attached to him ever since. He is 15 years older and married with 2 teenage kids. I was stupid, young and naive as somehow, over time, we fell into what I guess they call an emotional affair (with me obviously and sadly being the more attached). Our relationship consisted mainly of emails, texts and occasional phone calls. It had not been that physical but there was some sexting, makeout sessions and phone sex. At various times over the last years, there had been some times where he and some times where I try to break it off – but we always end up back where we started… It has been pretty heartbreaking for me and I often regret ever meeting him for all the tears I have shed for him… Lately I have been thinking and wondering if I should tell his wife. Not so much to be vengeful but because I think it would be the only way to really make sure it truly ends and we both move on once and for all, and also because I do care for him and would want him to somehow get the emotional support he is obviously not getting from his wife. What would you advise – would you want to know? Under what circumstances? Also, I read the comments section too and so if any of your readers are in or have been in similar situations, I would be thankful for their advice too.
Don’t know how to end this.
Comment: So this “emotional relationship” has been going on 8 years? And his wife is clueless? I mean, I guess I should be surprised but not really. I’ve heard worse.
If I’m the wife, yes I’d want to know. I just wouldn’t want to know from you. Even though you don’t think it, you are being vengeful if you tell her, because deep down I don’t really think you want this to end. If you did, you’d have put a stop to it a long time ago. I think you’re thinking that if you tell her, that’ll upset her, could lead to a separation/breakup, and of course he’d come running to you. This guy doesn’t care about you. You’re a side piece and nothing more. If I were you, I’d just show some self-control and end it on your end and move on with your life. Dragging his wife into this will only make it worse and your drama will not end. If anything, it’ll keep going. If he wants to tell her (which I highly doubt he will), then let him. But since it obviously seems like he’s not leaving her anytime soon, I’d just be done with this guy and try and start a real relationship.
The fact he has kids involved makes this a hell of a lot worse. You could ruin a whole family by bringing this up. If it was just him and wife, I’d wouldn’t be as against saying something to her. But this could be a whole mess and I guarantee you’d feel worse once you told the wife.
Dear Reality Steve,
So I met this guy off Tinder. I’m 23 and he’s 27. He seemed pretty average and I was pretty neutral about him till he we decided to talk on the phone one night (we planned it earlier in the day). Up until this point, we had a very brief texting conversation. That night, on the phone, we ended up talking for four hours. That was honestly one of the best conversations I’ve ever had and we both felt an instantaneous connection. Right after our conversation, he texted me to tell me how he deleted his Tinder account and I did the same. I think that was even better than many of the first dates I’ve been on. The only thing keeping us from meeting each other is a major exam I’m studying for which I’ll be taking towards the end of September. So we are planning to meet after that and till then, we have decided to keep in touch. Also, I don’t want to meet and then be distracted while studying for my exam because of the date which is another reason I thought it might be a better idea to wait to meet.
Then, yesterday, we decided to talk on the phone again. I don’t know what happened but I felt kind of awkward yesterday. It was weird because I didn’t feel that way on our first conversation. I think I may have the Ashley I. syndrome where I can be myself as long as I don’t have feelings for the guy. As soon as I get feelings, I become a little awkward (minus the tears lol) and have a hard time being myself. And last night, after talking for about an hour, he said he was tired and went off to bed. I could just tell something was off… hopefully, it’s all in my head. I apologized for the awkwardness last night and he said, let’s not worry about that, let’s just continue to be ourselves and everything will be fine. He also said to call him anytime and not to worry about planning it ahead of time and that he would do the same. I guess he could sense that I was a little different? Then this morning, I texted… “Good morning, hope you have a good day at work.” He said… “Thanks !!” I’m not trying to make a big deal out of this, but I feel like that was kind of short of him. I’m not sure if that’s because of our conversation last night. My only concern is that I don’t want to lose the connection we have by the time we meet. I also don’t want to overwhelm him with my awkwardness. I know we had a great connection the first time we talked… He even said that he could have talked to me for hours afterwards. Any advice on how to keep the connection alive till we meet without overwhelming him and also without being so awkward and just being myself? Also, when is it normal to try to contact him next… later this week or maybe next week? I don’t want to get so emotionally invested and have that as something that makes him freak out. I’m trying to be chill, but like Ashley I., sometimes that’s hard for me when I really like a guy. I just want to be normal with him and go with the flow but I forget how to do that sometimes.
I know this might sound kind of petty to you, but it’s really important for me. I want to stop myself from doing anything stupid and losing something great! I’m hoping he tries to contact me first since I made the last attempt at conversation, but I really don’t know what he’s going to do.
Looking for love outside of paradise
Comment: I think you’ve already ruined the “I’m trying to be chill” part of your game. You’re being excessive, and yes, in an Ashley I. type of way. Guys don’t want that.
I think you’re reading into the texts too much as well. Be thankful that he at least responded with “Thanks,” as opposed to not responding at all. I’m sure that wouldn’t have sat well with you in the least bit.
I know you say you’re studying for a big test at the end of the month, but really? You can’t meet up with this guy one time in the next 30 days or so? I’m thinking that as great as your conversation was, this guy really isn’t interested in waiting 30 days to meet you. It’s Tinder. I know that we hear about some success stories off that site recently, but those are far more the exception than the rule. I’m sure he’s talking to other women now too and your chance may be gone.
If I were you, I’d tell him you do have time in your schedule to meet up sooner than after your test. See what his response is. It’s just way too hard to judge your relationship with this guy after 2 phone conversations. You’re still in the such early stages, and like I said, because he met you on Tinder, I guarantee he’s talking to other women. That’s how that app works. So meet this guy as soon as you can, THEN see how he acts towards you. Right now, you’re just a girl he’s talking to that he has to wait til the end of the month to meet. He’s 27. There aren’t many on Tinder, or in general for that matter, that want to wait that long to meet someone. Seize the moment and tell him you’re available before your test then gauge it from there.
Dr. Reality Steve,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five months, and things have just turned serious. This is the first serious relationship I have had since high school (I was “that girl” who dated the same boy on and off for almost all four years), and during the past three years of college I have been dating around to try to figure out what else is out there and what qualities I want in a significant other. I definitely feel like my current boyfriend possesses many of these qualities; not only that, but I’m crazy about him.
A little background info: I met T at my little sister’s softball tournament back in the spring, where he was there watching his cousin play. It was the weekend before finals at my school, and I came home early to move some things back to my parents’ house from my apartment. The attraction was immediate, as well as the chemistry, and I knew almost instantly that we were on to something good, especially after I found out that T was living with his parents as well for the summer, and that their house was only five minutes down the road from my summer job. This softball tourney was on a Saturday, and we went out on our first date the very next day. After surviving my last week of finals, I moved home, started work, and T and I began to see each other almost every single day.
Flash forward to now. Unlike me, T finished school this spring and has a great career. His job is located right in-between our hometown and where I go to school, an hour each way. Because I go back to college on Monday, T has been looking for places to live in the city where his job is located; if he lives there, we would only be an hour apart, but if he stays at home we would be 2. As far as I knew, he was planning on living with a friend from work, however I found out just yesterday that the plan fell through. Now he is planning on living with two of his friends from his hometown…friends that I’m not particularly fond of. They constantly get in trouble with the law, and their everyday lives are filled to the brim with stupid decisions and not thinking things through. Not only this, but they are two years younger than T – when it comes to boys, I’ve learned that every year until they are at least 25 is typically a year of great maturity. They don’t go to school, they don’t have jobs…overall, it would be a bad situation for my boyfriend to be in.
I thought my biggest issue this year would be seeing my boyfriend only on weekends instead of almost every day of the week after work. How can I tell T that I think his new living situation isn’t the best? I would much rather him live at home and be 2 hours away from me rather than closer with these two specific friends…and although I do love him, is it too early in our relationship for me to discuss this kind of thing with him? If not, how do I go about it?
Thanks for all your help!
Comment: I would tell him you aren’t the biggest fan of the friends he’s living with, and give him the specific reasons why. Say it makes you nervous because you think they aren’t a great influence, but you’re glad he’s closer. Don’t flat out tell him “No, I don’t want you living with them.” Maybe even joke about the fact that you hope he doesn’t turn into a criminal like them. Or make poor decisions, etc. Does he realize these guys aren’t great and he’s just living with them to be closer to you? Or does he really think they’re good guys and he enjoys their company?
If he’s living with them to be closer to you, unfortunately there probably isn’t much you can do. I guess look at that as a compliment that he’s serious about you even if he’s living with a bunch of dolts. But if he thinks these guys are great, then that’s a little red flag. Maybe just try and have him stay with you as much as you can so you don’t have to deal with them. But I’d definitely find out how much this guy values those friends or if he’s just using their location as a way to be closer to you.
Here is my question:
I dated this guy who I met in medical school. Things were really great in the beginning. However, he wanted to end things because he didn’t want to be distracted from his board studying. He reached out to me after his boards but I had already moved on at that point. My question is this: Is it common for men to not want to date when they are in a very busy point in their lives? OR was this guy just not that into me?
Comment: Without knowing all the details of what’s going on in this guy’s life, it’s hard to say. He could’ve really been focused on studying for the boards and not had time for a girlfriend. Seems logical. But it could also be he didn’t have time for you. I just don’t know. Not enough information to go off of.
And if you’ve moved on since then, does it matter? Or are you just curious if maybe it was you and not school that caused him to end things? Again, it’s tough to tell. Not sure you’re ever really going to get your answer unless he flat out tells you.
Hey Dr. Steve,
I know my email is a bit late so I’m not even sure it’ll make the cut for this week’s column.
So, I’ve been with my current boyfriend for over a year. We’re both in our mid twenties. He got accepted into a graduate program back in April, and for a long time I debated on making a 400 mile move with him. I also have family near his graduate school so it’s not entirely a ‘whole new world.’
Well months later, I’ve made the move! Getting here had its pitfalls (unreliable movers, which delayed unpacking, having to buy furniture and build it, and just a whole slough of things). I guess I should also say that this is the first time we’ve lived together. But the point is that we’re here!
Also another thing I should mention is that I left my job for this move. I hadn’t been there for an extremely long time, but it was one of those things where the job didn’t mean more to me than the relationship. I know people will fault me for this, in fact, as I’ve tried reconnecting with some relatives, I’ve gotten questions like, “Is this a good thing for you?”
Of course since I’ve made the decision I will continue saying that it was a good thing for me. But in the back of my mind I’m questioning it. Since the move, my boyfriend and I have had more arguments than ever before. I also have to keep myself from inquiring too much about his classmates. There are more women than men in his cohort, and I do know I have jealousy issues (but that’s a whole other message). And, I’m on the job hunt. All of my friends are people I either have to text, call or Skype. When I’m not interviewing or applying to jobs, I’m often alone — since he’s already had to start doing massive amounts of reading and his classes start in the later afternoon and go until the late evening.
For another reason, my doctor has put me on antidepressants recently. I guess it’s helped for this too, since I haven’t felt too down about this situation since taking them.
Anyway, I guess what I want feedback on is, besides getting a job, what steps should I take to ensure I’m not going down a slippery slope? And how does one overcome jealousy?
~ Cloudy Californian
Comment: Jealousy issues are something you’re just gonna have to put behind you if you ever want to have a successful relationship. I mean, you’ve just moved in with the guy and already you’re questioning him spending late nights with classmates? That’s not good. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with anxiety from the move, and the fact you’re on antidepressants, but you somehow have to find a way to not let something like him spending time with classmates make you jealous. I’m sure you feel some sense of entitlement now because YOU made the move for HIM, so he should be more understanding of your situation. While it was a major move on your part and you were the one who was making the concession in the relationship, don’t use it against him or else it’s gonna backfire big time.
I don’t think moving in with your boyfriend in your mid 20’s after dating for a year is any sort of bad decision on your part. It doesn’t sound like you uprooted everything and are completely alone in where you are. I know you say you’re alone because of the work he has to do for classes, but I meant in that you said you family near where you are now. Maybe make an effort to spend some time with them if you’re feeling lonely or annoyed. But you need to control jealousy issues because that will drive a stake through your relationship quickly. Have you had trust issues with him in the past, or ex boyfriends? What has he done that makes you jealous?
You’re in a new phase of your relationship with him, so don’t let something like this ruin it.
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