-For some reason, the show has Ben staying at the Four Seasons in Westlake Village rather than a house close to the mansion. Not sure if they’ve ever done that before. It’s not really a big deal, but something that we found out last night after his love lab group date when he took the girls there for their after party. We immediately start in with Lace telling us, “I’m not the crazy girl at all.” Translation: I’m the crazy girl. Honey, do you realize the more you say it, and the more you freak out at Ben for not looking at you enough, the more we realize how incredibly crazy you are? Not just norm cray. We’re talking boiling-rabbit-in-a-pot cray. You might want to tone it down one or a thousand notches. I get that there always has to be a crazy person every season, but this was a bit over the top, no? Not to mention, your name is Lace. Like, isn’t it already pre-determined with a name like that she’d be the crazy one? Or a stripper.
-Group date is up first with 10 of the girls going to “Bachelor High” to compete as 2 person teams in a variety of subjects. The teams were Jennifer/LB, Lace/Jubilee, Jackie/Lauren H., Mandi/Amber, and Becca/JoJo. Didn’t it seem like all these competitions were rushed? The first subject had the first 4 teams to build a volcano and make it explode advancing to the next round, yet, we barely see any of the process of how the hell this even happened. I mean, we all had to make a volcano in middle school, didn’t we? But I certainly don’t remember how to do it. All I know is that Lace & Jubilee were eliminated because they
couldn’t get Ben off didn’t get their volcano to explode quick enough. Oooooohhhhh, tough luck ladies. Maybe next time try pumping it faster. Maybe wet it down a little bit. You know, to get the lava flowing.
-The next subject was bobbing for apples, but you couldn’t use your hands. So you had to pass an apple to your partner without using your hands, yet another sexual innuendo they’re throwing at us, and we’re only 10 minutes into the episode. Then again, I’m sure the kids who actually attend Verdugo Hills High where this date was filmed probably think this isn’t even first base. Jackie and Lauren H. are the team eliminated because Jackie can’t get it into her mouth. If it wasn’t already humiliating enough to even participate in this sexual fantasy of Chris Harrison, I’m sure Jackie isn’t all self-conscious now about having a small mouth on a date where you’re essentially simulating oral. Lets see how emotionally traumatized she is after this experience. My guess? She’ll be on a therapist’s couch within a week.
-The third subject was geography where you had to place Indiana on a map. You know, because that’s where Ben is from. Maybe they should’ve looked that up before appearing on the show. Becca and JoJo lose this one because, well, they had a hard time figuring out that Indiana wasn’t Pennsylvania. Maybe next time, girls. The fourth “subject” was basketball where it was Jen/LB vs Amber/Mandi for the title. And they had to make free throws. This was so rushed, we have no idea how many they had to make, what the score was, or if these were even being shot by the right girls. So much choppy editing and who was shooting, for all we know, producer Elan was draining jumpers and these girls couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Somehow, even though she admittedly couldn’t shoot and even shot one over the basket, Mandi made the winning shot and she and Amber ended up winning, but now must face off against each other on the track to see who the ultimate winner is. As a viewer, I’d say none of us watching, that’s for sure.
-Mandi had heels on, took them off, ran barefoot, and basically Usain Bolt’ed past Amber. It wasn’t even close. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought Amber was running in one of those 3 legged races with how slow she was. Yikes. For winning, Mandi got to ride around the track in a car with Ben, and we heard exactly zero of their conversation, which goes to show how important Mandi was to this episode. Kinda like whoever won the tractor races on Chris’ season last year, then we never really got to see their conversation after she got extra time with him. Was it Ashley I.? All I remember was Mackenzie was the one who got extra time and a rose with him that night. Hey, why are we talking about Chris anyway? This is Ben’s season. Perfect Ben. The guy who doesn’t do anything wrong and who everyone gushes over (and also with the 42% completion percentage in high school football). That’s a lot to live up to. If it wasn’t bad enough the show can’t stop throwing up all over themselves about how he’s their best “Bachelor” ever, imagine how Ben must feel to keep his relationship going? Oh boy.
-At the cocktail party, they show us Ben having conversations with about half the girls. First up was Becca, who takes him to shoot some hoops. Ummmm, when did Becca turn into a lefty Steph Curry? She’s draining jumpers in heels and dress all while Ben is bricking and blaming it on his shirt. Did Becca miss? In “Reader Emails” last week, someone asked me to make out a starting five basketball team with Ben’s girls. I can’t even remember who I had in the starting lineup, but if I didn’t have Becca in there, she is now. And she’s the point guard. And every play runs through her. I want her jacking up 30-35 shots a game, and if she passes to anyone, her ass is coming out and she’s going to get a tongue lashing on the bench next to me. Since, you know, that’s about as far as any guy is allowed to get with her. So major points to Becca for not looking like a spaz when she shoots a basketball, and minus a gazillion points to Ben for not hitting the rim and blaming it on his clothing. I don’t even remember what these two said to each other. All I remember was Becca basically auditioning for the Harlem Globetrotters.
-We then see Ben with Jennifer who’s “confident that we could really be a good match.” They make out. For those keeping score at home, mark that down as #1 for the night. You know, before the season Ben was telling any reporter who’d listen that he wasn’t gonna just make out with anyone and didn’t want these relationships to be all about the physical. Uh huh. Sure you didn’t, buddy. You may not have beaten Chris Soules record for most make outs in an episode, but you were damn close. And that’s only by what was shown to us. For all we know, you tongued down a few others that were kept quiet. We know Mandi kissed you on night one that was never shown, so it’s certainly possibly there were more this episode.
-Speaking of Mandi, she was talking to him next and you’ll never guess in a million years who
was told by a producer interrupted their conversation to talk to him – Lace! In case you haven’t figured this out in one episode and 20 minutes, Lace needs attention. Like, a lot. Kinda like she needs air and water on a daily basis. Lace apologized for how she came off the first night and Ben said it wasn’t intentional that he didn’t make eye contact with her at the last rose ceremony. Lace is getting everything she needs here other than a tongue down her throat, which she’s basically begging for. She tells us their conversation is going great, Ben is totally into her, and “we’re basically just like eye f***ing.” Ummmm, shut up. No you’re not. We now know Ben has no problem making out with whoever. If he wanted you, you’d know by this point. Other than that, it’s you being delusional and, well, Lace.
-Jubilee interrupts in and of course Lace thinks it was right when Ben was going in for the kiss. Again, it wasn’t. Jubilee applauds Ben for the charity work he’s done in Honduras because she was born in Haiti, she was in an orphanage at a young age, and ended up being adopted at 6 years old. I guess that was a good enough story for Ben so he made out with her. That’s #2. While Jubilee is getting her Ben on, Lace is back with the ladies and complaining about how she barely got to talk to Ben. So we see Lace get up and leave to go talk to Ben again and she interrupts LB’s conversation with him, giving us an ITM of “these bitches can suck it.” Oh yes. Definitely the way to become part of the group when you feel like you’re on the outside. Apparently Lace never read “Bachelor for Dummies” because she’s essentially broken every cardinal rule about how to act on this show and we’re barely two episodes in. I think someone needs to stage an intervention. They talk about Denver and…ummmm….errrrr….that’s all I remember. All I know is he definitely didn’t kiss her. She’s still clueless.
-Next he takes JoJo to the roof overlooking the city, and you could kinda see where this is going. Both of them say how excited they are about getting to know the other, yet, there they are, together on the top of the hotel, and there’s nothing in the rule book that says you can’t start getting to know each other right then. If you never know where you stand on this show, and every second with the lead is valuable since you barely get any time, maybe in your time with him you shouldn’t talk about how excited you are in getting to know them. GET TO KNOW HIM! Sorry JoJo. You seem like a nice Dallas girl, so I guess I gotta cheer for you. And Jenna told me to. With that, Ben and JoJo make out. That’s #3. JoJo: “I have 100% developed feelings for Ben.” That’s nice to know that a 12 minute conversation already has you picking out wedding dresses. JoJo gets the rose. You’ll never believe who isn’t happy about it either – the girl whose name rhymes with something she probably wants to spray in Ben’s face right about now.