I think I need to be more asking of my readers from here on out. Remember in the beginning of the season when we were getting 2 to 3 “Dr. Reality Steve” emails every week? Those days seem to be long gone since the last two weeks I’ve made it a goal to try and get 10. Last week we came up one short and this week we exceeded it by having 14 emails. I don’t know if I’ve ever had 14 “Dr. Reality Steve” emails in a week before. Now you’ll see that some people will even state in their emails they sent it in to try and get to 10, so maybe their issue wasn’t all that pressing and they weren’t gonna send it in otherwise but they did anyway. I’m fine with that. I’d always like to have more to answer than less any day. So I guess from now on I’ll
beg ask every week in hopes that we get 10 emails, since that seems to be the only way we approach that amount. Couple doozies in here this week. Especially ones where you might get completely lost as to what the hell was happening. Also don’t forget tonight the live video chat happens at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. Special guest that will join us at some point: my mom. Lets pray she doesn’t embarrass me.
As promised, with Bryan Fischer taking this season off, assuming that their columns are up by the time of this posting, here are your “Survivor” recaps by two of the better ones out there. First, we have EW.com’s Dalton Ross recapping episode 2, along with his weekly chat with Jeff Probst. I think Probst loves the Caleb/Tai bromance as much as loves Tai loves Caleb. Also, Fishbach has his recap up for People.com. I’m not sure what the hell Jenny was thinking last night at Tribal, but what a boner that was.
Lets get to em’. 14 to read through. Enjoy…
I know, I am early, or late really. Since today is Thursday, so I thought I would get this in for next week.
I have been dating my guy for about a year and a half. He is pretty emotionally scarred from a past relationship. His ex was very physically abusive, and to breakup with him she showed up at their apartment with 2 guys and told him to get out, and then she beat the sh*t out of him. She constantly is still trying to harass him although she is married now, she also waits outside for me at the gym almost every night. We are in active correspondence with the city police department to get a restraining order. Anyways irrelevant, just want to paint the picture of how crazy she really is, not just a guy saying he has a “crazy ex”.
So because of everything she put him through, he is a little guarded. We do have a really healthy, and loving relationship. But he has actively told me he is scared to move in together because of that past experience. I get it, I totally get it, I know he isn’t comparing me to her. But I also get his trust issues, and wants of solidarity. He does want to move in together, but is very hesitant. How do I make him feel ok to move in together? I have clearly established myself as not crazy, faithful, and I like to think very kind to him.
Thanks so much.
-A Girl who lives in a state which is dominated by Potatoes.
Comment: I think time is your only answer here. I can see why he’s hesitant. He should be. But it’s not something you should take personally. Unfortunately, you’re with a guy who has a crazy ass ex and, well, it’s impossible for him to not get that out of his head. She hired goons to show up at his door? She follows you out of the gym? I know you said police are involved, but what are they doing? Better yet, what are you doing?
I think you just have to keep things the way they are right now with him and your move in will be on his terms because of how much his ex f***ed with him. You just be you, and he’ll come around eventually. But the fact his ex is going to these lengths to mess with you sucks. Bad. I mean, it’s not like you can ask for a police escort going to and from the gym. I would just make sure you are never by yourself walking to your car at night. And this ex has moved on and is married and is still doing this to you and him? That’s some serious issues. Unfortunately, it happens. Hope things turn out well for you, since you don’t deserve any of this.
I appreciate your rally to get 10 questions, so I thought I’d do my fair share since I love reading these!
I made the silly mistake of dating, and falling for, a “separated,” but still married, guy. I won’t go into the relationship I had with him because this would be really long, but we had a really good thing going, and I believed I would marry him. I’m sure you’re already rolling your eyes, but at the time, the divorce was 100%, they even had the divorce papers signed. Beyond that, I really did believe the divorce was a for sure reality because the marriage is pretty horrible: they haven’t slept in the same bed together for years, they’ve both cheated, she even blatantly had a boyfriend for more than a year, and they frankly just don’t really like each other. That said, they have kids together, and entangled finances, so they’ve decided to hold off on divorcing for the time being and try to fix things. To his credit, the second he realized the divorce wasn’t a for sure thing, he told me and did not string me along even though he easily could have. I never once felt like “the other woman” which was important to both of us.
I have quit talking to him out of respect for his “marriage”, but the last I heard, they were continuing on a trial separation (oh, and she was still with her boyfriend…). I do still see him from time to time which is unfortunately unavoidable, but we keep the conversations brief when we run into each other.
From some basic research (I research things. Don’t judge), I’ve read that, statistically, separations are not successful unless there are clear rules such as a set length of time, completing counseling during it, not dating other people, etc. As far as I know, it was just a “let’s see what happens” kind of separation, with none of those rules. I just can’t help but believe that the divorce is an inevitable reality that will happen someday…I just don’t know if “someday” is tomorrow or in 15 years. Or never, I guess.
I’m not naive enough to ask a question like “should I wait for him?” I obviously know that would be a horrible decision. My question is more what do you think I should do to move on? It drives me crazy to know that 1) his marriage sucks and will probably end eventually; and 2) we only broke up because of that – not because we weren’t good together. It doesn’t help that I still see him somewhat regularly. I’ve tried dating other guys, but I just can’t seem to get over the married guy without some closure. In previous relationships, I’ve been fine moving on when I know it’s for the best…this just doesn’t feel like it’s for the best, so I’m having a hard time moving on.
Any thoughts from you or the peanut gallery (comment section) would be very welcome!
Comment: It sucks that you’re stuck on a married guy. Rarely does this ever work out well. You answered your own question when you said you know you shouldn’t wait for him. Absolutely not. It’s like Valerie waiting for Kenny to leave his wife, then never doing it then making up a pregnancy and going to his front door and delivering diapers to his wife. Then blackmailing him for $10 when she was never pregnant in the first place, of course figured out by super detective Brandon Walsh. Sorry. Where was I?
I think you’ll eventually get over him by just dating and going out more. It’ll happen. It still seems pretty fresh in your mind about this guy, and doesn’t sound like you’ve met someone who interests you enough yet. You will. And then I guarantee you’ll eventually be laughing at yourself for having feelings for this guy. I mean, look what he’s doing to his current wife. How do you know that you wouldn’t eventually end up like her if you guys did end up together? That’d absolutely run through your mind. How can it not? I don’t think enough women who are messing around with married guys/guys in relationships, ever think to themselves that they’re gonna be that girl if he ever does leave his significant other. I get it. They’re naïve and aren’t thinking that far ahead. They should.
I don’t know anything about your relationship with him other than what you told me, but my guess is because he’s in a sexless, crappy marriage, you’re just someone new for him that’s not giving him what he wants at home. He’s already cheated on his wife with someone that WASN’T you, so that’s now two people we know he’s hooked up with as a married man. Which means there’s probably more. Why would you even want to be with someone like that? I don’t get it. Cut your losses, date around, meet other people, and try and get this sleaze out of your head.
I have a job related question. It’s lengthy but I wanted m you to get the whole picture.
I currently work 16-20 hours a week at my job. I love my co-workers and the top boss I work for. I like that I have some flexibility.
However, my direct supervisor, my office manager, is terrible at her job. We are a small office (10 employees or so)- but we are a healthy business. I have an idea of what kind of money is made and it’s not that we are operating in the red or anything.
BUT- we did acquire a new office and since then, my manager has been trying to cut corners, but she is doing it by cutting ME! First I had my hours cut by one day a week. Then I wasn’t able to fill in any extra days if the person I job shared with was out sick or on vacation. Then I found another part time job that would complement this job but she would not even discuss with me about possibly changing the days a week I work so this other job would work out.
January was my 2 year anniversary at this office. I asked for a small raise since I had been there that long and I always had good performance. It took her 5 weeks to get back to me (after I asked her 3 different times about it) and she just flat out said no. Not even a counter offer. The original offer would have cost her about $80/ 2 week pay period. She could have countered me with at least the lowest end which would have been about $20/2 week increase. It wasnt really about the money but more that they valued me as an employee.
The manager has, however, asked me to come in at the last minute to cover things if she is desperate and I always do (I am still learning how to say no)- so she totally uses me when it is to her advantage.
I will be honest and say that I don’t really have to work if I don’t want to- but I enjoy working part time and using my graduate degree. It gives me extra money to spend on things I prefer (like organic food and Starbucks coffee) without feeling guilty or feeling like I have cut into our regular budget.
Also- I will reiterate that I do love my co-workers. My issue is feeling so de-valued at my office. They obviously don’t appreciate the great work I do. Is it worth staying somewhere that treats you like that bc you like the field you are working in and your co-workers? I am just having a hard time staying somewhere that doesn’t think I am even worth $20 extra bucks a pay period. Thanks for your input.
Unappreciated in Orange County
Comment: You said you found another job that would complement this job correct? But your boss wouldn’t work their schedule. Ok, so is there any way this other job could give you the 16-20 hours this job does? Because it doesn’t sound like this job is gonna improve anytime soon outside of your office manager leaving their job, getting fired, or moving on. Didn’t sound like that was happening anytime soon. If I were you, I would look harder at finding a different job to replace those 16-20 hours that this job is giving you. I just don’t see your current situation getting any better in the near future.
Your own question of should you stay at a place where you like the people (outside of your manager) but feel unappreciated is a good one. So what’s it worth to you? I can’t answer that for you. Suck it up, keep the same pay, hate your office manager because you like your co-workers, or try and find something different. I guess it all depends on your level of tolerance with the office manager. Can your manager enough to 1) receive less pay and 2) feel devalued because you like the relationship of your co-workers enough to offset it? That’s what you have to weigh. I think once you know the answer to that, you’ll have your answer of what to do.
Hey Dr. Reality Steve,
To get a guy’s impartial opinion, I thought I’d email you in a question I’m struggling with in my relationship with right now.
Basically, my boyfriend of almost 3 years and I have been doing long distance since September. We’re about 4 hours away from each other, but he’s in a pretty inconvenient city to travel to and from without a car (can’t really take a bus/ride share easily). We see each other about once every 4 weeks. I have a car, so since September I have driven to see him every month except once, when he came to my city for a friend’s birthday and got a ride from another friend also coming for the same party.
I also took an 8 hour bus ride to visit him in his hometown with his family over the Christmas break…
This weekend, his family decided to drive up from their home town to visit his sister in my city (she’s here for school) and he came along. We saw each other Saturday and Sunday evenings, and made plans to hang out again on Monday evening before he left Tuesday morning. On Monday, he mentioned he would be going out with his buddies around 9pm and that I’m welcome to come. But my thought was, what kind of single guys want their friend to bring his gf to a boys night out? Also, I work a lot right now and didn’t want to go out too late so I told him I would pass, and would like to go for dinner and hang out before 9pm (this is us texting while I’m at work). He replied that he was having dinner with his family tonight and that he’d like to see me at 9pm. I explained I’d rather not and if he didn’t want to hang out earlier then we wouldn’t see each other, and he said Ok, and that he’d call me later (this was around 5pm). I asked him why he didnt want to hang out before 9pm after dinner, and he said he wanted to sleep because he felt sick…He didn’t end up calling me later, despite me texting him that I was off work and free, and I didn’t hear from him until 10pm when I told him I was going to bed.
Now, what makes me upset is that he had all day Monday to sleep as much as he wanted, while I was at work, and he could have made time after dinner to see me for at least an hour? I’m fine that he wanted to see his friends, i totally understand you need guy time, but I do not understand why he refused to see me between dinner and 9pm. It also makes me mad that we see each other once a month, and I always make the effort to drive to see him, and the one time he actually had the opportunity to come to my city, we didn’t take full advantage of the time we could have had together… I feel like he’s taking time for granted and saying “oh but we’ll see each other again in the future” as an excuse to not seeing each other now. Also, I work a lot right now (50-60 hour weeks) and I probably would have worked last night, but I made the conscious decision to not work last night and work more the rest of the week so I could spend it with him. So when he bailed on me and barely communicated to me all night, it made me pretty upset that I was willing to shift my workload to spend time with him but it didn’t even cross his mind to be considerate of my time.
I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, because he says that we saw each other Saturday and Sunday already so it’s not as big of a deal. But to me, since it’s a long distance relationship, any time you have together counts. And I make effort to clear weekends to drive and see him, but the one time he’s in my city he can’t even make effort to clear one evening.
Anyway, just curious what you think of the whole situation, and if I’m overreacting or if you agree to an extent with me. If you agree, what kind of approach do you think is best to explain why I’m upset and to get him to actually listen to my concerns, instead of just shrugging me off as being an over reactive girlfriend?
Hope you hit 10 this week!
Conflicted in Canada
Comment: I think there’s a bit of an overreaction because you did spend Saturday and Sunday with him. It’s not like he came to town and you never saw him. However, I do have an issue with you doing the long distance thing and he’s yet to come visit you outside of this trip. Could be an issue, could not. All depends on how he responds when you bring this up to him. Which you will because I’m telling you to. And what I say goes. No questions asked. I’m Miyagi, you’re Daniel-san and I’m training you right now. “I say, you do, no questions.”
You’ve been with him three years, so you’re intuition may be right. He maybe taking your time together for granted. Or maybe since your long distance has only been going on since September, it doesn’t quite dawn on him yet how stuff like that needs to be planned a little bit in advance. And to see each other one, if not both you, need to create a plan. I’ll be honest. Guys aren’t great with that. I’m the opposite. I’m like you. I’m the planner and I get bothered when the other party doesn’t seem to care or takes it for granted. You need to just ask him soon if he’ll come see you. Even if you have to make up an excuse that you’re working a lot, you don’t know when you can make it out to see him next and can he come see you. See how he reacts. Does he jump at the chance? Does he hem and haw about it? Does he say you can talk about it later? I think you’ll have a good idea where you stand.
Right now all I know is you’ve been together 3 years. But I don’t know where you stand with him. He could just need a kick in the ass and this conversation will start. Or, maybe the long distance thing isn’t working for him anymore (and trust me, they aren’t easy) and this is his way of slowly pulling away. When you start analyzing texts the way you did that Monday night, you’re gonna drive yourself nuts. You have to bring this up to him and see what he says, because wondering about it won’t get you anywhere. And you can easily do it by not coming across as nagging or overreacting. Ask him what I told you earlier about coming to see you and gauge his reaction. If it’s not up to your liking, then you might wanna have the “Do you like the long distance thing” conversation. Might not wanna hear his answer, but it’s better than not asking. Good luck.
Hey Steve! My husband and I have been together 6 1\2 years, married 1 1\2. He and his mother are pretty close, (especially since his dad passed away in 200) so close in fact that he is on her bills with her. Well, I’m very lucky that while they’re close, he didn’t inherit her money issues. She couldn’t save money if her life depended on it. With my husband being on her bills, when she doesn’t pay them, that reflects badly on our credit, too. Currently we’re trying to get prequalified for a mortgage and when the report came back, we were stunned with a rejection. We’re never delinquent on our bills and we have great credit, so upon further inspection, we discovered his mother hasn’t paid her property taxes in 2 years! Now, why would someone give us a loan if it looks like we’ve not paid our taxes?? I guess my question is, how do we approach his mother about cutting the cord with him financially. She’s remarried and her and her husband both work, so she isn’t relying on us for money, and him being on her accounts is preventing us from moving forward with our lives…
Trying to grow up
Comment: First off and most importantly, I think your husband needs to get over the death of his dad back in 200. That’s over 1800 years ago. I know it’s hard, but he’s gotta move on.
How do you approach it? You flat out tell her you just got rejected for a home loan because he’s on her bills and she’s delinquent. There’s really no way to beat around the bush on this one. If she doesn’t agree, then you need to put your foot down. Hubby shouldn’t be on mommy’s bills, especially when she doesn’t need his financial help. You said she’s not relying on you for money, so you tell her that. Buying a house is a big deal, and it’s his mom’s screw up that made you get rejected. That needs to be fixed.