The Bachelorette 12 - JoJo

“Bachelorette” Bio Breakdown

Bachelorettegrouppic
Photo Credit: ABC

Well, filming is over. I’m already starting to hear things but nothing that I’m 100% confident to run with just yet. Obviously in 2 of the last 4 “Bachelorette” seasons, I initially had the ending wrong so I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen again. Just want to check as much as I can and make sure that what I report is accurate. Not to mention, based on how everything played out will determine how much of a role the stuff I was hearing about the two narratives went. I know, it all seems a little confusing now, but it’ll make sense once I tell you. About a month ago I told you I heard it was the “JoJo and Jordan show.” If they ended up together, then I guess that information was accurate, just like last seasons Ben and Lauren show I reported halfway through. If JoJo didn’t end up with Jordan, then something either could’ve happened to that dynamic, or that info ended up being wrong. I’m sure I will find out soon enough. However, I think this season the more important aspect is going to be the information I was told that I’ve been teasing just because there’s a couple layers to it. One of the more interesting seasons I’ve been a part of and I’m just as interested as you are to see how it all played out. I hope to know by next week some time.

In the meantime, your annual “Bachelorette Bio Breakdown” is upon us. Literally 10 minutes after I posted yesterday’s column, the bios went up on ABC.com. You can view them right here, although when you scroll through each guy below, you can get to their bio clicking on their name as well. I went through each guy and gave my quick thoughts on something they said or how they looked. For the record, this has to be the most douchiest group of hair styles we’ve ever seen in “Bachelorette” history. And also in case you weren’t counting, exactly half of the 26 guys this season are from California (8) or Florida (5). With that said, enjoy this season’s bio breakdown…

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Alex Woytkiw
AlexBio

Says one of his favorite movies is “Inglourious Basterds.” Lets hope the intern who’s paid $10/hr to translate his chicken scratch handwriting from his questionnaire is the one who actually misspelled both words of the movie title wrong because, well, if you can’t even spell your favorite movie, there’s a problem.

He also ripped the door off a burning car and saved someone before. So he’s basically Superman. Except maybe a foot shorter.
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Ali
AliBio

Ok, one of his favorite movies is “Her,” and that immediately should creep everyone out that knows him. He wants to bang the voice in his phone. Just no.

Every time I see someone on the show who’s from LA and I know doesn’t last long, I always get the impression they were called up late in the process and asked to come on just because of their proximity to the mansion. Ali strikes me as one of those contestants. Like, if he lived in Greenville, South Carolina there would’ve been zero chance he made it on. Don’t hate me Greenville. I just randomly chose you to make a point. No hard feelings.
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Brandon Howell
BrandonBio

I’m done commenting on the stupid professions that the show gives some of the contestants. We’ve already been made aware that it’s done to create conversation and means nothing. Yes, we know “hipster” isn’t a job. Like “twin” wasn’t last season with Emily and Haley. All it’s doing is to get people discussing their show, which plenty of people did on social media yesterday with their, “OMG, this guy’s job is hipster” posts. Shoot me.

This is now back-to-back guys who’s listed “Her” as one of their favorite movies. I think Ali and Brandon should probably get a room together. Forever.
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Chad Johnson
ChadBio

Told you weeks ago he’s this season’s villain and he played the part in his questionnaire by answering 3 questions exactly the same, essentially thinking he’s God’s gift to the world. Just go check yourself right in to Paradise to begin your character redemption, a la JJ Lane. We know it’s coming.
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Chase McNary
ChaseBio

His answers were very straightforward and bland. So, other than the fact he listed “Ace Ventura” as one of his favorite movies, not too much in this bio to make me think he’s a complete meathead.
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Christian Bishop
ChristianBio

He doesn’t like it when his date is “high maintenance” and “snobby” and he tries to avoid pretentious people. Unfortunately Christian, if you are looking to hook up within this franchise, that’s pretty much all you’re gonna come across. “Bachelor in Paradise” could technically change its name to “Pretentious Island” and it’d fit just as well.
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Coley Knust
ColeyBio

His head. I can’t explain it. It’s got like 17 different angles on it and I’m totally weirded out by it.

Anybody that calls America, ‘Merica, needs a severe beating with a shovel.

And if it weren’t for the Harry Potter books, there’s a good chance Coley will have never started reading. So thank you JK Rowling for jump starting Coley’s literacy.
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Derek Peth
DerekBio

Here’s the one Derek answer I was most interested in: What does being married mean to you? I’ve seen my parents work through life’s challenges and successes for 33 years, so I’m looking for someone ready to give as much as I will to make life fun and fulfilled. I say this because, ummmm, have you seen his mom’s profession? This is her website: www.MariaPeth.com. She’s an Angel Enlightenment Therapist/Coach. She helps people communicate with their guardian angel and access the “infinite wisdom of the angelis realm.” Then she coaches them on their own mediumship so they can communicate with the spirit realm on their own.

I’m sure Derek had a wonderful childhood. I mean, when your mom is basically Oda Mae Brown, how can you not? If it weren’t for her, Molly would’ve never known that it was Carl who had Willie Lopez kill Sam. Molly, you in danger girl.
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Daniel Maguire
DanielBio

Twice he references the fact that his whole being is like a lambo, and why would you ever need any upgrades to a lambo? In case you couldn’t tell, he’s a complete douche.

If you call a Lamborghini a “lambo,” you should be slapped silly.

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7 Comments

7 Comments

  1. hsl1

    May 13, 2016 at 7:52 AM

    That’s how “Inglourious Basterds” is spelled. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/?ref_=nv_sr_1

  2. las4361

    May 13, 2016 at 8:11 AM

    Grant Kemps ex appears to be a “reality show producer”

  3. angelfish

    May 13, 2016 at 8:36 AM

    I just want to know why Grant has the number 268 tattooed on his arm.

    And in that group photo, Evan looks about 65 years old.

  4. rob22

    May 13, 2016 at 9:40 AM

    I don’t want to give Jordan too hard of a time. The guy did start out at a small college, which means the better teams didn’t think much of him. And he parlayed that into a successful SEC career. So, good job. But to call him a Pro-QB or an ex Pro-QB is a joke. The closest he got was being signed to the practice squad for part of one year. Meaning he never suited up for a single game. Those guys are hoping to parlay the practice squad job into a real position, which generally happens when the team has an injury & needs someone, or they flat out give up on someone and cut them. The NFL churns through players, so it happens, but it didn’t happen for Jordan. If he was a “Pro-QB”, it’s only because he got paid about $6300/wk for about 10-12 weeks one year. Not terrible, but not really a Pro – QB.

    By comparison, Jesse Palmer was actually drafted and played 8 games, throwing 120 passes. He was a backup for 5 years. So, Jesse, who I’ve made fun of since he was really a low level player, who hardly anyone knew about, was a complete stud compared to Jordan. And I’ve always given kudos to Jesse for parlaying the Bachelor into a pretty big time ESPN gig. Maybe (maybe?) that what Jordan’s angling for. Just follow the path blazed by Jesse & follow it up by being interesting and informative (and, at times, a little controversial with some strong opinions) on the air. Otherwise, he’s just Aaron Rodger’s little brother.

  5. rob22

    May 13, 2016 at 9:49 AM

    Interesting on the spelling of Inglourious Basterds. I don’t know if Tarantino has publicly stated why he did it that way, but some suspect he was trying to differentiate his movie from another movie titled Inglorious Bastards. Or, he was trying to rip off the name without using the exact same spelling. Bottom line: Tarantino purposely spelled the name of the movie wrong. So, I understand why RS thought the dude was just a moron who misspelled the name of the movie. But, apparently he was actually paying attention.

  6. cjscjs711

    May 14, 2016 at 8:27 AM

    From IMDB, Tarantino said on “The Late Show” it is the “Tarantino way of spelling it.” He is dyslectic. At Cannes he said he has not explained why and is not going to.

    I’ve been reading about Andi’s book and just might get the e-book. I’ve always liked Andi and she’s articulate. Not interested in her dating advice, but they say there is quite a bit about behind the scenes and about the contestants from her point of view. The latter would be interesting.

  7. rob22

    May 14, 2016 at 1:51 PM

    cjscjs: I caught an interview with Aaron Murray on Sportstalk radio. The question came up about his brother Josh and Andi. The polished pro QB (pro in the vein of Jesse Palmer) fell completely out of his media savvy mode & dropped into heavy sighing and unintelligible utterances for a few seconds before regaining his composure. Then he essentially said it wasn’t a great experience & that Andi was a disaster of a girlfriend for her brother. So, I gotta say. It sounds like there was enough drama there for a book. I won’t read it, but I don’t blame anyone that’s interested.

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