It’s finally here! Just in time for the season to start tonight. Well, most of it. You’ll see when you read further that episodes 6 and 7 were the toughest to get info on, but what I do have is accurate. And after tonight when they show us the season overview teaser once the episode is over, they give a lot of stuff away in that 4 1/2 minute “This season on the Bachelorette…” video. So yeah, I’m sure more of those will be filled in after tonight because the teaser will make it obvious. So today’s column is a combination of three things: 1) The episode 1 breakdown I posted last Monday 2) All the spoilers I have from episode 2 thru episode 7 and 3) Your Final Four breakdown that I posted last Thursday. So the only new stuff in here is the episodes 2 thru 7 spoilers, which are pretty complete. A lot of stuff in there I hadn’t posted yet, so this’ll be the first you’re seeing of it. Granted, I’m sure most of you just care about last Thursday’s post which was your ending, and that’s fine. But dammit, I worked hard to get you everything else this season. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it took hours to put all this together. Mostly the formatting and linking of stuff. But anyway, it’s finally here so enjoy your spoilers to JoJo’s season. Rejoice! Rejoice!
Episode 1: (airing May 23rd) Los Angeles, CA (26 guys down to 20)
This episode breakdown was posted last Monday the 16th, but in case you missed it, here it is again:
-Episode starts with a recap of Jojo on Ben’s season. We see her limo entrance, their 1-on-1 in Vegas, him telling her he loves her and that he promises she won’t be blindsided, the final rose ceremony where he dumps her, her being taken away in the limo, etc. Then we cut to the typical shot of the lead walking on the beach talking about her journey with Ben and looking forward to this season as the “Bachelorette.”
-Ali, Des, and Kaitlyn come to the mansion to talk to her before she meets the guys. Pretty much the same stuff you’d expect since we see this a lot now with former contestants giving advice to the lead. JoJo asks “Do you kiss on night one?” They tell her just go with what feels natural. She also asks how do you know if it’s lust or love. Ali tells her if there’s someone you reeeeeally like on the first night, ignore them for a week. She felt her mind was on Roberto too much that she didn’t open herself up to anyone else. Interesting, since basically JoJo falls in love with Jordan on night one. Then JoJo gives the typical “I’m excited and I hope that I find somebody but I’m scared I may not.”
-We then get 8 guys with intro videos – Grant, Jordan, Alex, James, Evan, Ali, Christian, and Luke. Quick overview:
-Grant is a firefighter from San Francisco. He saves lives.
-Jordan tells us he’s the younger brother of Aaron Rodgers. He was once in love, but was so focused on his football career, it ruined his relationship. Now he’s ready to find love. I think it was at this point I threw up in my mouth.
-Alex lives in Oceanside, CA, didn’t know where his life was going, so he enlisted in the Marines. He has a twin brother who’s married who are also in the video, and he says once he saw their marriage, he knows it could work for him.
-James S. (don’t know his last name) had the cheesy intro video. There’s always one a season that’s just over the top corny, and it was his. You remember his bio says his occupation is a “superfan,” so his video is him just talking about how much he watches the show, running shirtless in AZ and doing pushups on rocks, he has watch parties every Monday and fills out his “Bachelor” bracket, they show him sitting on a couch watching last season with friends, and there’s a picture of Chris Harrison on a table that he asks what color shirt he should wear. Dumb.
-Evan is 33 and a director of men’s erectile dysfunction clinics in Nashville. Says he has three boys and then makes a bunch of penis metaphors in regards to the show before ending it with “Mojo for JoJo.”
-Ali lives in Santa Monica and likes surfing and skateboarding. We can definitely tell that by looking at his IG account. Also, we see him skateboarding with his dog in Santa Monica.
-Christian is the most motivated person you’ll ever meet. Says he’s up at 3:30 every morning and in the gym by 4:30. He’s a telecom communications tech consultant. His background is he’s biracial, his dad was white and his mother was black. Said his father’s father was very racist, so he’d pretty much disowned his dad growing up. Now he lives with and takes care of his two brothers, Micah and Justice.
-Luke is 100% country boy. We see him on a ranch with horses and cattle. From a a small town, was in the military for 9 years, and basically they could’ve draped him in the American flag during this piece. One weird thing about his video is that there’s zero mention of his music career.
The limo entrances were next. Here’s the order all 26 guys come out of the limo in: Jordan, Derek, Grant, James F., Robby, Alex, Will, Chad, Daniel, Ali, James T., Jon, Nick B., Chase, Jake, Sal, Coley, Brandon, James S., Nick S., Vinny, Peter, Evan, Wells, Christian, and Luke.
Here were what some of the guys did:
-Jordan was out first. He tells JoJo his parents met and they got engaged a few months later and have been married for 36 years. She tells him he looks amazing twice, then says a third time “you look so good.” Then when he walks away she turns around and says, “Hotttttt!” Don’t be too obvious now JoJo.
-Grant tells her “I’m not gonna do what Ben did to you last season. I’m not gonna fall in love with two girls.”
-Robby brings a bottle of wine, but no glasses. Says they’re going to drink it “Fletcher style” like JoJo’s mom who chugged from the bottle last season on the hometown date.
-Will had cue cards that he dropped (on purpose) out of the limo. Then they were mixed up when he started reading them and said, “I am the most beautiful woman in the world.”
-James Taylor comes in playing his guitar singing a song he made up for JoJo. I don’t remember a word of it.
-Jon comes out wearing a kilt. Says he’s ½ Chinese and ½ Scottish, but the ½ Scottish part is below the waist. JoJo says what does that mean? Uh huh. I’m sure she had no idea what he was referring to.
(After they show Jon in his kilt, they cut back to the mansion and we see Daniel in an ITM saying “you couldn’t pay me to wear that. Not like I’d even take off my shirt.” Which is clearly foreshadowing since he strips down to his underwear by the end of the night).
-Nick B. comes in a Santa suit because he’s “St. Nick.” Then annoyingly all night walks around saying “Jo Jo Jo” instead of “Ho Ho Ho.” He also gave her a present, yet, she never opens it all night so we never see what it was.
-Chase had on fake glasses and mustache. His bit? He says to her, “I mustache you a question…but I’ll shave it for later.” I swear this show needs better writers.
-Sal brought a pair of blue stress balls. Tells JoJo that if at any point during the night she gets stressed, she could squeeze his balls.
-Brandon is like a fish out of water. Says he didn’t watch last season and he knows nothing about JoJo. Great, then why are you here?
-Vinny wants to make a toast – with actual toast.
-Peter brought a heart pillow and wants to be her Man Crush Monday.
-Wells brings in 90’s R&B band to sing “I Swear.” JoJo lip syncs to it and pretends to know the words.
-Luke came in on a horse that they stuck a unicorn head on. Because JoJo wore one last season and they needed you to remember Luke.
-Once inside the cocktail party, it was basically the JoJo and Jordan show. Alex steals her first and he does pushups with her on his back.
-Derek tells her he’s shy and kind of a nerd. Was told he used to look like Harry Potter.
-At this point, JoJo is saying on ITM’s how nervous the guys seem and she doesn’t have any instant connection with anyone. Well, guess who we see her talking to next? Jordan. She says she feels that “natural ease.” He gives her his jacket. He makes her feel “confident and sexy and helping my nerves go away.” Jordan tells her he’s in “media and sports broadcasting.” Generic. Says that he used to play, but he retired almost a year ago, which is completely laughable. Jordan Rodgers never took a snap in an NFL game in his life. You didn’t retire. No one wanted you. Big difference. Anyway, once they’re done with their love fest, Jordan is bummed he didn’t kiss her. He felt like he should’ve and thinks he missed his chance.
-We see her short time with a couple other guys, then we see her with Will who has Origami with him. He tells her to pick a color and she says “red.” Then numbers and it’s 5-6-1-2. That means she has to kiss him and she gives him a peck on the lips. Then we see her immediately after that in an ITM say “I wasn’t ready for a kiss with Will. It was awkward.” And whaddya’ know, the very next scene is Jordan coming to steal JoJo away and he finally gets his make out with her. As Jordan walks away, JoJo says, “His butt…his butt…I gotta start doing squats.” Jesus woman. I’m guessing if giving fellatio on night one was an accepted behavior, JoJo probably would’ve done it with Jordan. She certainly made it known from the get go who her front runner was.
-Chad had a lot of ITM’s spaced throughout the night where he’s basically just sh** talking a lot of the other guys and pumping himself up. Then when he sits down with JoJo, he acts completely different and tries to be all sensitive and vulnerable. JoJo says afterwards “Chad is surprisingly vulnerable. I saw a soft side to him. He’s very mysterious. I can’t pinpoint it.” A quick flip to Chad’s ITM after his talk and we hear him saying, “I’m content. If I wanted her, I could have her. I’m a manlier version of Ben.” Aaaaaannd scene. We all know where this is headed this season with Chad as I told you a month ago he’s this season’s villain. Made that perfectly clear from his edit night one.
-Daniel talks to JoJo and is completely hammered. Says “I heard you were from Texas. I’ve never been there before because I’m from Canada.” Then just rambles on about something he saw on YouTube and JoJo is clueless. We then see him talking to the other guys in the kitchen about what he’s had to drink. 2 tequila’s, 2 vodka’s, then he poked Evan’s belly button, which elicited a “WTF are you doing” from the other guys. Then when they’re outside, Daniel takes off his jacket and his tie is abnormally short. Like it barely comes halfway down his shirt. He then starts stripping down to his underwear, he’s flexing for the camera, JoJo tells him to put his clothes on, and then he jumps in the pool.
-After this, JoJo is in her ITM room filming, and a drunk Nick S. walks in, puts his arm around her and starts babbling about nothing. Out walks Nick, then in walks Vinny, who says this:
Vinny gives us a new take on falling in love. What just happened?!https://t.co/tm2mGkRNzt
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 13, 2016
-We then see more quick clips of her with the guys. Ali playing the piano for her, her sitting on St. Nick’s lap, James fumbling over his words with her telling her he’s a fellow Texan and that his brother lives in Uptown (downtown Dallas) and is married, so the pressure’s on him now. Basically, James comes across as this season’s Joshua Albers. No doubt in my mind he’ll be on Paradise. He told her at least 5 times she’s beautiful.
-Then we see her with Luke, who gave her a pair of boots. She likes Luke’s “silent, sexy, confidence.”
-First impression rose time, and of course, she pulls Jordan aside and gives it to him. We cut inside to Jon who reminds everyone that Olivia got the first impression rose last season. Don’t worry Jon. You won’t be around long enough to even matter.
-The rose ceremony begins, and right before JoJo is set to hand out her first rose, we see someone arriving out of the limo and walking into the mansion. You know by now it’s Jake Pavelka. He hugs her and asks if he can talk to her real quick. You hear some guys saying “Who’s that?” Then others saying “that’s Jake Pavelka.” JoJo says in an ITM that Jake is a close family friend, “almost like a brother to me.” So Jake tells her that they have way too much history together and he can’t let her go through with this without talking to him. Jake: “I want love…for you.” Blah blah blah, trust your gut, heard you got some great guys in there, blah blah blah. It was literally the most pointless cameo this show has ever done, and that’s saying something. It’s strictly for people who don’t follow spoilers and they want to trick people into thinking through a commercial break that Jake is there to compete for JoJo. So lame.
Rose Ceremony Eliminations: Jon Hamilton, Sal DeJulio, Jake, Peter Medina, Coley Knust, and Nick Sharp.
The 20 guys remaining after night one are: